The presence of a father in the house makes a tremendous difference in the life and future of a child…. true or false? Before now, fathers were bread winners who worked hard outside the house to put food on the table and took care of the family’s needs. Mothers on the other hand, bore and raised children as well as managed the resources brought into the home to ensure there were well distributed and benefited all. Fathers were not involved in the actually care of the children and as a result had disconnection with their children. They were in some sense passive: emotional detached and somehow disconnected to their children. They were not involved in the day to day life of their children. Even though they went out there to work hard and bring resources to the family, it made little or no impression and did not directly touch on the lives of children. He was still a stranger to the children.
Even though the other spouse knew that the father was working hard and earned a living for the family, it did not make any meaning to the children. All they knew was the one who fed, bathed and put them to bed, etc – that person touched their lives. Unfortunately, those days men neither fed, bath nor changed diapers, played with children nor felt the impulse of their children’s lives on daily bases. The only time the fathers featured prominently was when it came to discipline. He was seen as a police man who always found faults/ wrong doings with the child’s choices, behaviors and decisions; issued reprimand or/and punishment.
In this age and time, there is a change of routine and behavior on the part of both parents. More women are getting education and certifications; some among them do two or more jobs while others climb career cadre and make more earnings than their male spouses. Fathers have imbibe a new behavior pattern. They now spend some time with their children and are more actively involved in the upbringing of their children. These involvements get them emotionally connected to their children. In some situations the female spouses obtain better work certifications; bring home higher income than their husbands and work to support the family while the male spouses revert to stay-home-dad. They now feed children, sing to put them to bed, bath and clean them up when they are mess up, play and bond with them, etc. This behavior and care on part of fathers have help to build dad and children relationship, bonding and emotional well being and indeed, that involvement is paying off.
Jesus attunes that even earthly fathers who are sinful know how to give their children good gifts; no child who will ask for bread and the father gives stone (Matthew 7:9). God, our heavenly Father gives greater gifts (much more generous) than earthly parents and gives good gifts to those who ask expectantly and in faith. Apostle Paul used four words to describe father’s action/role. “For you know how we treated each of you as a father treats his own children, we used to exhort each of you personally, stimulating and encouraging and charging you” (1 Thess. 2:11) – The Amplified Bible:
i) Exhorting: – urge by strong, often stirring argument, admonition, advice or appeal and encourage;
ii) Stimulating: – to rouse to activity or heightened action, excite or invigorate;
iii) Encouraging: – giving hope, courage and confidence; and
iv) Charging: – Impose a duty, responsibility or obligation on, to saturate, impregnate, instruct or urge authoritatively, assign a duty or task.
Ephesians 6:4 says, “Father’s do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” This text contains two commands; one is negative while the other is positive. On the negative side, we are not to exasperate our children. The word exasperate could mean: to make very angry or to provoke to wrath; impatient, annoy greatly; to increase the gravity or intensity of; to make rough or crushing the spirit of your children. It’s a thin line that many fathers have crossed in anger or frustration or disappointment. Our children are no demon to cast out; they are our blood to be loved, owned and appreciated. They need our time, our talent and our treasure as well as our playtime. Fathers need to chill down and enjoy their children – their smiles, joy, cry and sorrow well as errors …all gained through bonding with them. By so doing, we see ourselves in our children, even some of those character flaws we detested.
Couples who have issues with themselves will find out that it will affect their children giving that one of them will attempt to bias them against the other. When Dads notice that moms used their closeness to the children to bias them against their dads, most dads put up a defense mechanism or behavior that could affect or provoke their children. Even though, children became victims of cross-firing between both parents, that were not intended or directed at them. Such behaviors could provoke children against their parents. The children may not understand why their fathers act the way they do towards them but moms who manipulate them to their advantages pretend and hid under the provocation. Apostle Paul writing to the Saint in Colossi put it this way, “Fathers do not embitter your children or they will become discouraged” (Col. 3:21).
Most fathers suffer and fight the overwhelming pains and agonies of being denied their marital rights, rightful place in the house, emotional torture and denials as well as being cut off or presented as a never-do-well or not caring Dads to their children. If the children buy into these manipulated lies, they start behaving badly and hateful to their dads; the fathers get embittered and provoked to react in defense. Surprisingly, the bible says, “Wherefore come out from among them and be separated,…..And I will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, said the Lord Almighty” (2 Cor. 6:17-18).
Jesus taught us in the Lord’s Prayer to refer to God as “Our Father who are in heaven….” May I ask, if God is our Father and we obtain our fatherhood from God, would our children honor and reverence God because of our relationship with them or would they say if our father got his fatherhood from God, then God should be a bad person and we do not want anything to do with Him. A Father should always have a child’s best interest at heart and must concern himself with the child’s welfare and well being. The scripture commands the discipline of a child but cautions against crushing their spirit or demeaning them. “Parents deliberately or unaware, teach their children from birth how to behave, think, feel and perceive. Liberation from these influences is no easy matter” – Eric Berne.
It’s God’s will for fathers to train and instruct their children in the ways of the Lord. “My son, listen to your father’s advice. Do not turn away from your mother’s teaching….” (Proverbs 1:8). “My children listen to your father’s teaching. Pay attention and gain understanding…..(Pro. 4:1). Father’s are to admonish and keep training; by so means preparing their children for adulthood and the challenge of life. Parents watch their children grow up under God’s instructions and mercies. Even when parents have failed severally their children watch them exhibit confidence in the forgiving power of God and His grace and come up again as forgiven people. They also learned that parents are not perfect people but depend on God for everything and if they will go as far as their parents, they too must depend on God, the Father.
Children learn to honor God and serve Him by the words and action of their fathers. Children learn how to communicate respectfully, honestly and responsibly. They learn the value of hard work and diligence as well as integrity and obedience. Children learn when and how to respond to words, actions and God’s instructions through their parents. As parents pass through the up and down of life, their children watch and learn patient and perseverance as well as endurance. They know how to make choices wisely. Most importantly, they learn the reality of love life and daily forgiveness as well as mutual respect. They also learn that to grow in love, couple must accept and be committed to each other as well as appreciate the one God has given to them to cherish and uphold.