WHY DO MARRIAGES CRUMBLE?
Definitions: Two key words drive this topic:
- Marriage: [a] In both English tradition and African culture, marriage is a contract based upon a voluntary private agreement by a man and woman to become husband and wife. However in African tradition, marriages involve more than two people. It involves the family, community, Church family and other relations.[b] Christians marriage is a long life commitment between a man and woman with exclusive love and fidelity with one another
- Crumble: as a transitive verb to mean: to break into small pieces. As an intransitive verb it means to disintegrate or collapse.
The salient concern or intuition people don’t often have is: does marriage collapse? It’s easy to think that marriage collapses or fails but in reality, it doesn’t and cannot. Author Angie Lewis wrote, “Marriages do not fail; it’s the people in marriage that fail. God would never design a marriage program that fails. God is perfect and He has established perfection in marriage. Marriage fails because we are not taking responsibility of ourselves in marriage. If we do not work the program, we do not know what to do when troubles strike and ultimately we fail the class…………..” No one else cares about your marriage more than God does. That is why He left His people with the most infallible instructions on how married couples are to treat one another in marriage. These instructions, if followed properly, will not break apart the bonds of matrimony between a man and a woman. It will infact, unite the bonds of marriage and make it a sacred and holy union created by God Himself……….God explains to us in detail what the roles and responsibilities of husband and a wife are. The problem is many couples have difficult times heeding God’s guidance because God’s instructions often get trampled upon by unbelievers and rebellions living outside of God’s boundaries, and then, many Christians heed it, believe, and live it. And then, they wonder why their marriages are failing”
Highlights of principles /recipe that make marriages work:
i].Good marriage doesn’t just happen; it needs great work. Great marriages are built on:
trust,
forgiveness,
respect and
commitment and
underlined by love.
ii] The foundation of good family is a strong marriage. It takes more than having children to have a good family; in order to have a good family one must start with good parenting. Good parenting rest on good marriage and good marriage rest on committed couples who trust in God and selflessly serve each other as well as determined to make it work. So the problems we have in family do not begin with children but with parents.
iii] Love in marriage is not about feelings good but about giving of oneself and respecting one another [1 John 4:8].
Common Features of sick marriages:
a] Sick relationship: see ‘near love’ where outsiders know much about their marriages than the couples. Live lonely together – in the eyes of the public they are couples but within them they are co-tenant: no quality communication and time together, not interested in fun, sex, and conversation, no plan for outing together and for the future.
Compare spouses with other people [mates] and are quick to blackmail them before their children and visitors. They find reason to leave home or stay apart; work become an escape place for troubled home, find something wrong with whatever you do; spend quality time on phone with outsiders and hid the conversation from your by using slang or hiding in a closet. Some keep secret accounts and friends: acquaintances and knock about friends; direct more attention to the kids and tell them what he/she want them to hear (things they have no business telling them).
b] a fight for power, ego and gain control thereby disrespecting the other half and resulting in conflict leadership. There is competition and comparism; two captains in the family ship and the one that bakes more bacon fight and flaks more muscles to possess headship. They demoralized one another – nagging, complaining, grumbling and put on ‘me-first’ attitudes and mentality that become common place.
Marriage techniques that work:
Marriage is likened to a good hand washing technique: the two fists wash, scrub and rub each other until there are thoroughly clean. The two fists are in a dance of love always and they need each other and do better when the two work together. Marriage is also liken to a walking process where one foot steps forward, the other behind upholds supports as well get ready to step forward in an exchange position. By so doing the walk is smooth and advances with little or no difficult.
God designed and instituted marriage relationship and how it shall work [manual], where principles to make it work is contained or detailed. If I may ask:
i] Wives, are you submitting to and honoring your husbands – your head? [Ephesians 5:22-23; Colossians 3;18; 1 Peter 3:1, Titus 2:4-5].
ii] Husbands are you loving your wives as Christ love the Church? [Ephesians 5:25-28, 33; Colossians 3: 19; 1 Peter 3:7].
These two are God’s designed roles and duty of Christian’s couples. Any deficiency on the part of couples to these principles could cause stress and conflicts on the relationship.
Some reasons marriages crumble?
Ungodly foundation: Godly foundation is where marriage originated. Through marriage God demonstrated His love for the Church [His bride] and all mankind. Where the house is built on a weak foundation, it’s likely to collapse or crumble in the face of strong wind or any natural calamities. The foundation of God is His word, empowered by the Holy Spirit. God word is higher then heaven and earth, indeed above everything; it’s the manual in which God’s principles for marriage is laid. God designed marriage in such a way that only Him can satisfy and fulfill it. Jesus said, I am the way, the truth and life. The scripture says, except God builds a house, in vain do the builder labor. Couples who daily yield their marriages to God make it to the end.
Marriage premise: Some go into marriage with wrong motives: to cheat, to exploit and exhibit control. For examples: some go into marriage looking for a horse [medical practitioner: nurse, Pharmacist, Lab tech. etc] who they intend to hire and put to work. Others just look for citizens or legal residents who they could ‘climb their back’ into any foreign country. The intentions are neither like nor love, but survival scheme. If you don’t get a wife, you can settle for a knife; if not a husband, it is a horse-band.
Societal deficiencies: Most societies are hostile to marriage and raising a good family. The feminist and woman liberals did not stop at equal rights for women; they have introduced alternative lifestyles that are detrimental to the original family wellbeing. God is the originator of marriage and Satan is the destroyer of it. Any challenge against its principles is a challenge against the God of creation who designed and invented marriage. The effect of alternative lifestyle is: gays, lesbians, swinging partners, sexual lust and covetousness. In advance world, submission is looked at with ‘gender prejudice’ and misrepresentation. Chauvinism is the antithesis of submission and God love. Debra white Smith book, Romancing your husband says, “Submission is influence, submission is beauty, submission is a great worth to God. It’s also the key to your husband’s heart and the avenue through which romance flourish. When it comes to sex, submission is electric; to romance, it is magic. It is unconditional love in action………” God’s word prescribes mutual submission to God and one another. Submission is not a weakness but internal strength is built through it and it is in obedience to God’s directives; there is a reward. In Christian community, the principles of submission control and govern all relationships [Ephesians 5:21; 1Peter 5:5-6]. Submission is a perfect thumbnail that would ensure harmony and health in the family; neither wife’s subservience nor husband’s dominance.
Equal rights emancipation: God designed marriage and proposed a plan to make it work. In the plan it has the authority of the institution. If mankind believe and honor God, why are we finding it difficult to adhere to God’s approved authority in marriage? Women emancipation did not only stop at equality but extended to selfish choices. Some Christian women have bought into the constitutional provision ignoring the biblical commands; these have created unimaginable conflicts and tussles in the family, the consequence that has turn our society to near fatherless, if not all. Couples have roles: man is the head; a woman is the neck without which the head cannot turn. God has given the husband a clear responsibility for spiritual leadership: the husband not the wife is to be the head of the family. This is God’s design!!!
Lack of community parental/ family influence: Marriage is bigger than two people, man and woman. During marriage ceremony and wedding, the community or Church family pledge to support the couples in their new relationship. These community and Church family help to mould and support the couple as they grow into the marriage life. In foreign land and advance countries, we do not have communities. We have ‘elders’ by virtue of long stay abroad; some of them do not have the experiences and muscles to mediate or intervene rightly in crises. Even in Churches most pastors are afraid to intervene especially where those involved are their enablers and high money givers [supporters]. Because of this flaw, the institution suffers and they live by subjective truth. Some Church leaders take to the subjective advises of spouses who bake more bacons and caucus members to stay aloof and allow the sleeping dog lie. Isn’t this terrible!
Emancipation – Environmental and cultural bondage: Most people in multicultural society emulate people of other cultures and live by what they see on television and appear to be lost in the crowd. Advanced society has multiplicity of gods and cultures but they respect and honor individual cultures. These people live life’s designed for them by the society and neglected their God given life. They end in disgrace and unfulfilled dreams.
Lack of commitment; Commitment is a significant factor in managing success. Committed couples find way to improve and nourish the union. They work through differences and find compromising solutions; more tolerant of each others flaws and tend to accept each other for who they are than trying to change him/her. They will help out the other spouse who is working more hours for the family; help out in places of needs and share, bear each others burden. They also work hard to make the marriage work.
Mutual respect: Couples should strive to respect each others position at home and in the work place [Ephesians 5: 21]. Angie Lewis wrote, “I respect my husband and his spiritual leadership in the house. I respect his judgment and guidance. Even if he makes mistakes, we shall discuss it privately. He has a masculine influence and I have the feminine disposition – our children need both.” Angie asked what influence I would show to our boys if I constantly boss and belittle their father. Respect each other for who He/she is. If a man feels disrespected the natural instinct to provide, protect and adore the wife is derailed. If a woman feels disrespected, she wouldn’t have the urge to provide care and warmth for the husband and comfort for the family. Disrespect kills the wife willingness to submit and a husband urge to love. As a matter of fact, people earn respect; man and woman each deserves respect. It is a two-way street: what you give out comes back to you. You may not agree with the opinion of the other person but know that he/she is entitled to an opinion; listen to her/him and gently and courteously say your opinion and why. Be careful to choose the words you use and how you use them. The respect couples have for each other is the same they share with their children. When we treat each other and our children with respect at home, we carry the same outside the home whether at Church, work place, community gatherings and even with our neighbors as well as all the people that comes in contact with us. The book, Good family don’t just happen expresses, the way we speak to and treat our spouse is a sign of respect: it’s not only the words that matter.
Lack of intimate moment [quality time] together: Quality time together is not necessary to have sex but it could lead to it. It is not time to discuss bills, schools, kids, work house chores and any other everyday duties/activities. Rather it’s a time to appreciate each other, learn to listen to each other; to share about yourself and what we could do for each other. We could talk about how we feel about certain issues and things that could possibly suffocate the relationship [Ecclesiastics 9:9]. This intimate moment make marriage more alive, provoke more love and appreciation of the strength and weakness that both brought into the union. It stimulates romance, provide opportunity to share feeling with each other and communication meaningfully and productively – respect is the core to effective communication. Learn to honestly listen; share thoughts and feelings with your spouse and in return listen to his/hers. In this moment you learn to understand each other by accepting what your spouse shares even when you don’t agree with all his/her viewpoint. If the atmosphere is ripe for it, you talk about troubling issues and new ideas, suggest things you could do together in future, holidays and other projects as well as discuss changes you would like adopt into the family. It is a time primary to talk about how you love each other and appreciate what you are for each other and for the family.
Partnership: Literally, a partner is one who joins in an activity with another or others; one of two or more persons jointly owning a business. It could be a spouse or two people dancing together or players in the same team. A book, Building fulfilling marital relationship defines “simply put, a partner is someone who has a part in you. He may be in business partner in which case he has a part in your business; or a room partner etc. If he is your life partner, it means he has a part in your life.” When one does not take care and relate with his/her spouse intimately the relationship may be hurt and it affect two of them. Unfortunately people apply partnership in a business sense into marriage. It is two people doing business under one name and individually responsible. They are accountable to their capital; interest from the capital is share between the two and the Deed of Partnership includes an exit plan. However, in marriage the two becomes one [money, plans, investment, assets and liability]. Joint account is preferred in marriage. Every income is for the family; it does not matter who makes what. The marriage relationship ends in death of one of them. That is why I prefer the use of companionship to partnership in marriage.
Competition: Many marriages are nothing more than on battle-ground for power. One day these couple stood at the Alter and vowed to love, honor, respect and cherish each other. And before long, one is trying to dominate the other. Physical attraction though powerful will not sustain a relationship in which mutual respect has died. Couples are companions; should not compete but complete and compliment each other. Competition bring unruly rivalry that is un-conducive to the union.
Controlling your spouse: What do you gain in being bossy and controlling? Controlling and manipulative tendencies and behaviors are detrimental to marriage wellbeing. This is considered an emotional abuse. Very few men, if at all would want a drill sergeant for a wife. Men hate and abhor living with domineering wives; women dread controlling mates. Debra Smith wrote, “One of the signs that respect is dying or has never existed is when attempting to control the other person creeps in.”
Lack of openness and oneness: The scriptures says that our first parent were naked with out shame. This expression describes openness and oneness. Couples who have ulterior motives play hide and seek game. They are very secretive and keep information to self, out of the reach of the other person. People outside sometimes know more about them than their spouse. They hide pay slips, secret accounts, promotion and projects from their spouses. Lack of nakedness could help to add pressure in marriage and make couple life like strangers.
Marriage is not for everyone: Marriage has its responsibilities and commitments. Just like many people want the crown but not through the cross, so it is with relationship. It was for this reason that Apostle Paul warns, “….A man does well not to marry” [1Corinthians 7:1]. Marriage has its price to pay; if you are not ready to abide by the laid down principles that the designer and maker put in place, its better to stay away from it. You will not only end up causing hard times in the relationship with yourself but also with the spouse who had hope of having great relationship; you also disrespect the intelligent of the God of creation who instituted the union. Marriage is not for boys and girls whether they are under or over grown. You must be fully aware and knowledgeable of the commitment you intend to enter. If you decide to stay away from marriage; be kind enough to be blind to the gains associated with it. For this reason I respect those who have taken to celibacy for the sake of their calling, who do not blackmail the name of the Lord and discourage those who would have come to the Lord by their behavior and actions. Marriage demands commitment, respect, submission and of course intimate time together.
Selfish Behavior [Unrealistic Expectation]: People with ‘me-first’ type of attitude should stay away from marriage. The union of marriage is about sharing life selflessly with the other half; respecting the other’s person not only as human being but also as a spouse [mate, your body] that has a will. Some spouses are so demeaning and demanding on each other. They are very insatiable and put a lot of pressure on the other spouse that he/she may begin to act in a certain way. When the other spouse gets fate up, it becomes a problem. Some are good in comparing their spouses with other people and full of unrealistic expectations
Taking your marriage for granted: In our world today many people take God’s love, grace and mercies as well as His institutions: the Church, marriage, relationship for granted. In the same way some spouses take their marriage for granted that it no longer deserve their priority. They do things and believe the other spouse will understand and accommodate them. Some of the things that worked for or tolerated by their parents do not have a place in marriage relationship. Marriage is likened to an old car that needs care and attention all the time. It should in no way be taken for granted.
City Lifestyle: Some people come to the city; watch televisions and films and become addicted and customize themselves to living the Broad Street or Manson Avenue lifestyle. Many have imbibed the city magazine and Hollywood lifestyle and easily get dissatisfied with their spouses. With this mentality, some have told and behave “I just manage you” and others are even ashamed to identify their other half because they are no longer good enough for them. These behaviors put untold hardship and stress on the union and could lead to living lonely together and graduate into separation or divorce.
Greed: Some people allow money to rule their marriage life. Even though the scripture says, money answers everything but money is not everything. Money can only do what you want it to do. Money is just a tool to aid our relationship; it’s neither the foundation of marriage relationship nor drives it. You can choose to honor your relationship or worship money that brings quest for gain, power and ego. The scripture says the love of money is evil but money is not. When we love money above God, human being including our spouse, it becomes a mini god, an idol and evil.
Conflict Leadership: The purpose of marriage is for couples to be united and become one; striving together and sharing life intimately together. It is also true that men and women pursue life and parent differently but where the couple respect themselves and honor the authority in marriage, they always find a meeting point: the game of love – give and take. When strife exist continuously in a marriage, couple detest relationship; become angry epileptically, bitter and resentful. When couples do not know how to allow each other play his or her role: a man being the husband and exercising masculinity and leadership and woman, being the wife, bringing her feminine and motherly tenderness into the union. The man tends to become bossy, controlling and intimidating as well as threatening; while the woman makes all decisions, live independently, nagging, demeaning and confronting as well as force her whims on him. The situation becomes worst when she bakes more bacon than the male spouse. Couples in this situation live lonely together and no longer care for each other. Higher resentment kills the joy of marriage; hates takes center stage.
Wrong Choices: A wrong selection process produces a wrong employee. No matter the training the staff undergoes, most times she/he turns out misfit. Wrong choice of a spouse brings about bad marriage and sour relationship. Some went out of God’s will and plan for their destinies to marry and such union are incompatible, lack compromise and experiences conflicts as well as ends in jeopardy. Some choices could lead to imprison without walls and end up in jail of conscience. It could bring a lot of pressure and great tension on the union and result into domestic violent and untimely death.
Lack of taking responsibility and accountability: For marriage to success, couples must take responsibility and be accountable. Lack of taking responsibility could lead to giving excuses and being lukewarm and nonchalant. Couples must learn to stand at their duty post: performing their role and duty less it brings burden on the other person.
Curses and spiritual pin down: What may be wrong with your marriage may not be physical; it could be spiritual. It could emanate from curses, family hindrances, household wickedness and spiritual mates: marine spirit and monitoring spirit while you seek for the solution in the physical and perhaps accuse other people. Such person needs deliverances and to keep guide of his /her life.
Reach Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com OR P. O. Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272.