WHAT MARRIAGE IS – Part 1

Part 1

Marriage is a choice

Our world and its surrounding events suggest that the most taskful problem facing mankind is that of choice. Mankind is faced with a variety of options that compete for our priority. Since God created mankind a freethinking agent, every human being has the freewill to choose between good and evil and the responsibility to do so. Peter Kreeft writing on Making choices opined “You will make three choices sometimes between your birth and your death that will change your whole life. There are: [i] the choice of a God to believe in [ii] The choice of a mate to marry and [iii] the choice of a career to work. Even if you choose not to work anything, not to marry anyone but you cannot choose not to believe in something. If it’s not the true God, it will be one of the society’s many false gods. Something or somebody has to be your number one.” Whatever choice one makes whether it’s inappropriate or wrong, it’s better than Agnosticism viewpoint of no choice.

Indeed in marriage as well as in life, choice is a crucial factor and an ongoing event. Jerold Aust writing on marital happiness for Good News Magazine opined “Some of the choices we make actually create anxiety and disagreement while other choices make live noticeably happier.” Gone are the days God chose a wife for Adam. Even though the wife was within Adam before and then married to her thereafter their marriage still experienced problems. Adam blamed God for making that choice for him. It was not long the sons of God chose to marry the daughter of men. It repented [feel regret, grieved] the Lord and thereafter allowed mankind choice of spouses. God possess an intense love for mankind and divine attentiveness to the plight of human race [Genesis 6:5-6]. Some in our society especially those living abroad return home to marry either through recommendation or chosen by parents, relations or friends. Some on the long run work out while others collapse. They are held accountable for their choices.

In Christian marriage one is required to choose one spouse. Some make this choice without weighing the implications and consequences. It could turn out to be a wise choice or foolish one. It’s foolish when its based on infatuation, little or no knowledge or education pertaining the institution, thinking it’s a handbag affair: you can pick up and let down at will and most importantly taking such decision for granted. Some fail to realize that people are uniquely created and are different from one another, so do their choices differ. Others hold the misconception that since it was God’s designed and authored, it is problem free. It becomes a wise decision when made diligently, with better understanding of the wisdom, purpose and rules of the institution; have faith that it’s a life long decision and workable. Even though you may not get all the indices right but trust God who instituted marriage to make it not only work but joyful.

We live in an age that the institution of marriage has been dangerously attacked especially in advanced countries. Some laws seem to negate the interest of marriage. Folks want marriage but reject submission the same way they want the crown but not through the cross. There are struggles of leadership in some homes; most times innocent children are rubbed into the conflict, exposing them to unhealthiness. Some complain that their spouses are controlling. These rivalries most times cause misunderstandings and upset home peace. Reports on advanced countries reveal about half of all marriages end in divorce. Most of them had long time emotional hangover, just like gunpowder awaits fire. As often as these happen, the couples point accusing fingers at each other.

Among many Africans especially those who married at home countries and moved to reside in advanced world such as United States; it’s a cold war of two cultures. While the man insists on the headship conferred on them by God and culture, the woman protected by the laws of the land maintains they too have equal right to headship. Little surprised in this society most women head households; it’s a societal norm and tussles that cut across religious belief. Many of them have sour relationship held together by what people would say, children, financial coexistence and security, lack of sufficient muscle to call it quit as well as religious bondage. Since our culture frown at divorce, these people live lonely together; publicly they are husbands and wives but within themselves they are just cotenants living in pretends. Some talk to each other and call sweet names only when they have visitors or are in public in cheerful deceit. Frankly, most African marriages crack beyond meaningful repairs yet they still share the same roof, perhaps waiting who has the muscles to fire the first shut. Other races are quick to call off the game.

Most people believe God created the union of man and woman out of his wisdom and plan but they enter into the institution without giving the Creator his rightful place. They only run to him when they are caught up in troubles emanating from lack of adequate knowledge of the rules of the love-dance, not making Jesus the chairperson of their relationship or not abiding in him. Good enough these troubles bring them back to their senses and make them seek their maker.

God the creator of the universe, the designer and institutor of marriage holds the union very highly. He established plans and rules to run the institution without which it would fail. These are contained in the manufacturer manual [the Word] placed at our disposal. The manual reveals how marriage should be entered into, run and managed as well as exit plans, if it becomes necessary. In it, God advised uncompromising adherence and abiding to the rules. Entering into marriage without first weighing its implications would chase one into conflicts. Those who dash into it unprepared get burnt and turn around to blame God.

Funny enough, marriage is neither compulsory nor a temporary affair. For this reason Apostle Paul opined that it is good for one to remain unmarried, but to avoid immoralities associated with single’s lifestyle every one should marry. It means you can choose to remain single. But if you make that choice, ensure you live in decent and moral purity, void of fornication and resist sexual vices. That will keep you from sexual transmitted diseases and also have a sanctified life.

The most important choice that any couple would make in marriage relationship is to put God first. After God spouse follows. There’s no competition between God and spouse. When God is given his right place, He provides wine to the feast, calms the storms and restores peace. Through reading the scripture and praying together couples discuss ways to nourish their relationship and serve each other better based on biblical principles. By so doing couples achieve joy in marriage and attains collective progress while unnecessary disagreements are eased off; closeness brings unity and oneness resulting to healthy relationship and home.

           

IS MARRIAGE STILL COMMENDABLE?

     In our society marriage is disintegrating and its values depleting, divorce rate is skyrocketing; gay marriages are instituted and getting unholy welcome while single parenthood had long gained general acceptance and becomes another way of life. The common law provision supporting cohabitation for six months as marriage does not help matters.  The questions that often come to mind are: Is marriage still commendable? Is marriage preservation still relevant? In our society today and most advanced countries of the world, young people are happy single; they may cohabitate, make love, born and raise children but still single. Some enjoy rides together, countersign credit cards and lend money to each other, share in each other’s burdens but are not good enough to commit to one another; they seem to enjoy their freedom. Most folks perceive marriage as bondage and somehow old fashioned or something that has lost its values and dignity in this age. The young men are more skeptical of marriage than ladies. One young man decried: ‘at slightest turn you loose your freedom, treasure, property and children to a woman and get kick out. Boo, the laws of the land are in their favor and more so marriage kills love.’  Could it be a wrong perception of reality or a deliberate avoidance of commitment? Are there indeed genuine and disturbing fears? These happenings are commonplace.

    Notwithstanding, marriage is a union between two persons-man and woman, whereby they vow to be committed to sharing life together. This corporate existence is God’s designed and instituted for companionship, multiplication and fruitfulness, and nurturing life together. Because this union is God’s oriented, ordained and intended to transcend all human relationship it’s often perceived to be problem free. When couples are pronounced husband and wife, they have become one flesh, even though physically they are two persons; spiritually they are cleaved and glued into one. After God created mankind, He commanded them to have dominion, subdue, multiply and fill the earth. Human multiplication involved copulation of two opposite sex [not same sex relationship]. Then God caused a man into deep sleep and out of him made a woman whom He brought to man. Adam excitingly acknowledged, ‘This is now the bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.’ Adam named her woman because she was taken out of man and not ‘woo to man.’ It signifies that the first marriage was a union of a man and a woman who had existed within one body before and became one again after marriage [Gen.2: 22-24].

      Pastor T.D. Jakes wrote, “After marriage the two became one – a couple or a unit, working together, surviving together and striving together.” God intends that each couple remain dedicated to each other, through Him. Therefore marriage covenant is made with one’s spouse and with God at the center. God is the originator and designer of marriage relationship and in Him all the imperfections work perfectly for His pleasure and glory.

 Marriage is honorable among all. Couples should respect and honor each other least their fires extinct. If marriage is to be honored it means it’s worthwhile, dignified and has a sure foundation. It’s not to be taken for neither granted nor treated with lesser concern. It derives its definition and authority from God rather than contemporary cultural ideas. No matter what cultural practice is obtained, marriage is God’s idea, led and determined by Him. Also God who instituted it will judge immorality and unfaithfulness [Hebrews 13:4].

        Jesus expressed the original intent of marriage when He said, “Don’t you know that in the beginning, the creator made them male and female? And for this reason a man shall leave his mother and father and joined to his wife and they become one person with his wife and no longer two. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate” [Matthew 19: 4-6]. Isn’t it therefore honorable to be married? Little wonder Proverbs 18:22 says: He who finds a wife finds a good thing and favor from the Lord. Whatever is honorable is commendable. God became a husband to Israel while Jesus has the Church as His bride and also her Head. God spoke to the Children of Israel through Prophet Jeremiah: “marry and have children. Then let your children get married so that they also may have children. You must increase in numbers and not decrease [Jeremiah 29: 6]. For men to subdue and dominate the earth, they got to multiply and increase in number. We have to get married and raise children, teach them fear of the Lord and to obey His commandment, so as to possess the land, win and conquer in battles.

     Marriage is not only honorable but marriage bed should be undefiled. Both couples should enter into marriage relationship pure and undefiled. Marriage should begin in marital bed; two come together naked in body and soul. The Institutor of marriage intended a pursuit of purity and newness. Couples were never to have had sex before marriage.  That being the case, there was no basis to compare one person’s act of love with another; they would’ve no bad experience of past relationships. Whatever they do would be fresh and new [Leviticus 21:13-15]. Any act of impurity was punishable by stoning to death. Apostle Paul advised that it was good for one not to marry but to avoid the sin of immorality, let everyone marry and be subject to the laws of marriage and maintain sexual purity [1Cor.7: 2-3; Rom7: 2-3].

     It’s no surprise that Apostle Paul advised Church Officers to be faithful in marriage and be able to manage their household well. He as well urged young widows to get married, have children and take care of their household so as to give our enemies no chance of speaking evil of them [1Tim.3: 12; 5:14]. These injunctions are more relevant today than there were in the days of early Church. Our society enjoys sexual promiscuity and this act is invaded by AIDS, HIV and other incurable infectious diseases. In the Old Testament, sexual sins attracted punishment by stoning to death but in our days incurable sexually transmitted diseases stone the body and there are heaps of stones beside many hotels, motels and brothels. Despite the imperfections often experienced in marriage due to not heeding to the formula of mutual submission, mutual respect and sacrificial love, the word of God commend marriage as honorable.

       Marriage has been so persecuted in our age than any other by same sex mates, broken vows, comparing and conflict relationships; experiences infected by sore past, infidelity and disease spreading yet those who put their faith in God and hold to the tenet of the institution, are like clay in porters hand. We may be marred and damaged yet when we become renewed in Christ He cleans us again and by the power of the Holy Spirit put together the pieces and remolds us into perfect whole. Whatever one may be going through in marriage, it’s nothing for the designer to touch and heal. Only be willing to let go and sacrificially begin again. For marriage to be commendable it must be entered with commitment and determination to make it work, uphold and nourish it daily. From the start it must acknowledge God at the center, be treated as a priority and impute daily nourishment. Marriage is both honorable and commendable but the crown is obtained through the cross. That’s why people still believe in the institution and daily couples take the vows of togetherness, sharing lives and pursuing excellence.

Choosing a spouse

          People are going through a lot in our world; some are hard to mention, others unbelievably doubtful and makes no sense yet its true and every day occurrence. For example: Marriages are collapsing; homosexual lifestyle getting popular salutation and married couples openly identifying with Swinging clubs. Divorce rate is steeply on increase and associate problems begging for attention. A great number in marriage relationship are so frustrated that some want to jump out while those outside are zealously knocking for entrance, not knowing what to expect. Others are quick to say yes I do before thinking about what they said. Yet most young people look forward to getting married while single parents still hope in God for a second chance of catching, ‘Mr. or Ms. right’ loving spouse and getting married. As married couples go through the difficulties of understanding each other, some still wonder whether they made right choices. On the other hand the institution of marriage is daily rudely attacked by those who hate ‘real’ relationship. They live on feelings and sentiments; have regards for nothing meaningful.

        Despite the attacks on this God-oriented institution, many people still believe in its place in human history and society. They believe that marriage is a relationship between man and woman. The underlying footstool is based on unconditional love and not infatuation. This belief opposes the opposite virtue of same sex marriage subtly created by Satan to further attack God, his institution and creation. Again most youths desire spouses in their lives. They look forward to dating and marring someone someday, as well as raising a family. Parents are quick to ask when they shall have their grand and great grand children. By getting married and raising a family, we raise children that increase the family and our communities as well as nations.

         Many of us get thrilled traveling to Country of origin to get married while some prefer to choose spouse in our communities abroad. The latter should be encouraged because such choices give our children born and raised abroad the rare opportunity to be married to someone from their ancestral town and country. More so those born and raised abroad appear to understand the system better than those imported from home. For those who married at home, some spouses were hand picked by parents or some family relations. A good number of our people living abroad did not have adequate courtship to know or understand who they were marrying. Some married out of infatuation or just to end single lifestyle. As couples come together and experienced the un-envisaged challenges of married life, some pause to wonder if they were to do it all over again, would they choose the same spouse? Some are quick to say yes in their mouths but probably no in their hearts. As a matter of fact those living as co-tenants already regretted ever getting married to one another.

Are you then surprised at the statement, “Single people are sad while married people are mad?” On the contrary, in this abode a great number of singles claim to live happily while married people are mad and sad; quarrelsome and live in conflict. Because of all these problems some singles are scared going into married relationship. Many among them who are survivors of conflict homes where marriage was a disaster carry that fear too far. Others in relationships that were shortened by divorce or separation still wear the pains and that affect their moving on. However they breathed sigh of relief saying, ‘thanks God it’s all over’; we’ve put that behind us and can now move on.

           When one reflect deeply on some of the issues confronting married relationship these days, a great deal is depended on choice. This is a serious cause for concern and very frightening too. Are you surprised many singles are consciously asking how do we know and choose the right spouse? It may not be easy to provide all the answers in this discuss, since experiences differ. However there are some crucial factors to consider. I stumbled on Focus on the Family publication of November 2005, Home Reference Guide where an expert, Dr James Dobson answered “what are factors I should consider before saying I do” and shall attempt to incorporate some of his opinions here:

1)      Choose someone that you cannot live without; one you have great passion for, you can forgive without his/her saying sorry; who you like and love. Don’t choose one you think you can live with; you love but do not like. It should be one you like his/her fancies and frowning and of course always fun to be with. Not someone you barely try or struggle to be with, hoping it will get better. Perhaps you were just crazy about appearance and threw character to the air. You can’t stand his/her utterances, body disposition and negative behavior. You should better be mentally prepared to accept both good and bad, once you say I do.

2)      Choose someone you can tolerate not someone you plan to change in future. You’ll soon find out that you can’t change anybody. You may end up biting more than you can chew. Human beings are complicated in nature. Do not play silly and get into unending troubles. Choose meticulously and sensibly.

3)      Some people make impulsive choices; marry as if something was chasing them. They marry with little or no thoughts to what they do. Others choose because their age mates were getting married or just to get over it. An African adage says, the market that hurriedly assemble also disperse in the same manner. As they hurriedly say I do, the same way they say I don’t. Marriage is a critical life determined decision. It calls for careful thoughts and prayers. Before you say I do, seriously and meticulously walk through the early stages of bonding process. Do not allow infatuation to push you to what you don’t need; that may hurt you a lifetime. It is very easy to enter but difficult to quit especially where kids are involved.

4)      Many youths move in with their prospects before marriage. As simple as that may appear they have complex consequences. You appear to run where you should walk, rush in what you should have for a lifetime. If you get free what you should’ve paid for there’s no hurry to commitment.  It’s gotten by compromise; the same manner shall it hold.  It’s an immoral behavior and a violation of Gods’ law. The couples are insensitive to God’s instructions. There are some Spiritual repercussions for such actions

5)      Some people enter into marriage institution ignorantly. They have neither education nor knowledge of what they have entered into. That is also reflected in their behavior and altrances. Some marry too young, thereby floating in instability and immaturity. When the wind blows they are uprooted without resistance. Many spouses lack exposure and have been living individual life. They find it hard to change to the real life of sharing when they get married. They need some coaching before attempting cooperate lifestyle. This situation could breed incompatibility and selfish lifestyle that could break the union.

6)      Choose someone who shares the same faith with you; not just church goers.  If you are a strong Christian don’t choose a moribund or weak person for he/she may help to draw you down. Be prayerful and carefully open your spiritually eyes because some run into the church when they want to marry. That is very good but the bad news is that the moment they get hook up some backslide; they turn against and become worst than unbeliever.  The Church used to be and still is a good place to choose from but do not be deceived for not all believers in the Church are true Christians. Some are agents of Satan and soon become internal enemies and accusers of brethren. Don’t marry unbelieving believer whose beliefs are only superficial and nominal.

7)      Choose a spouse and not a partner who believes in life long relationship. One who shares most values you share: such as mutual respect and submission as well as willingness to honor spouse than oneself. One who will respect God’s provision of authority in marriage. Do not be deceived by physical attraction or character pretense. If you think that you may not get along, it’s dangerous to manage. Some couples are just husband/wives but their relationship never developed into friendship. Others live in competition instead of complementary. These dilemmas help to ruin intimate family life.

Common mistakes associated with marriage.

Most African marriages take place during the last quarter of the year known as ‘ember months. At this time indigenes worldwide return home for the celebration of festivities. From New Yam festivals to Christmas, people return home to re-commune with their kith and kin. It’s also a time that many people of marrying age get hooked up; some leap before they look and make most common mistakes. In every facet of life, human beings make mistakes in choices, in evaluations, in judgments and in decisions whether in business, family or religion. Whether we call it error, mishap, misdeed, lapse or mistake, it all amount to sin.  Rev. Sproul, a Presbyterian wrote, “We are not sinners because we sin; we sin because we are sinners”. So it’s our nature to sin or make mistakes; everyone is vulnerable. Some mistakes are avoidable because documented information on how to go about them rightly is in the manufacturer’s manual. Many hurriedly open new products and begin to use them without perusing the manual attached to the products. Those who chose to gloss over, pay little or no attention to details: especially on safety and warnings and end up making mistakes. They blame every other person except themselves. Marriage is an age long event that information regarding how to enter into it, manage it and nourish it is abounding especially in our culture and in the scriptures.  However despite the exposures and experiences we still make silly mistakes in our choices and decisions that elude joyful relationship and end in enduring life or divorce.

These mistakes include:

No God in marriage: Just as it’s true that God created all mankind but not every person is a child of God, marriage was designed and instituted by God but not all marriages have God at her center/chair. Some only rush to God when swallowed in troubled waters. Even though God asked us to call Him in the days of trouble, He also urged us to seek Him when it is day. They suddenly realize that God still cares and awaits their recognition; He is the originator of the union and knows all about it. We need to deliberately surrender our relationship to God and ask for His leading and protection. It should be a priority.

Lack of courtship: Many opined that our great grand parents married spouses’ chosen by their parents or close relatives. Is that still feasible today? This is like buying a box with content unknown. That’s not to say that those who had years of courtship don’t have problem but you have a little knowledge of what you are bargaining for. This sort of relationship is full of crises and unresolved issues. For a lifetime you are trying to know whom you married. You may end up marrying the very opposite of what you desire and it may not be easy to quit or mend.

False courtship, living in pretends and deceit. As the honeymoons end, the real selves begin to show up and very glaring too. There is no hiding place for false pretests any longer as infatuations fall apart. Our courtship should be honest, real and devoid of pretends. After the exchange of vows, some complain of the very things they endured during courtship thinking there would easily vanish.

 Sympathy marriage: Some have fallen into this trap and most ends in regrets. That one helped you in one way or the other does not means he/she loves you. Somebody may like you but does not love you. It’s better to open up to the truth and stand by it than live in bondage a lifetime. You may not eat your cake and still have it. Sympathy marriage is not real, does not last; it is a wrong choice Lack of Love: Infatuation is love at first sight. Most times it is a surface thing and not deep-rooted on sincere love. Some people just get hooked up because they feel they were getting old and just want a person to make babies with. Others marry for financial security and sexual enjoyment. Some may carry the waves of past disappointments into their marriage. From the very start it appears a trial deal; there’s no close chemistry. Such relationship is full of conflicts and crises. But the bottom line is sacrificial love. Choose one whom you love and like. Unfortunately many equate free hand with money to love. You can give without love but you can’t love without giving. It’s a life’s long journey and should be entered into diligently and prayerfully. Incompatibility: this is the great weakener of relationship and causes conflicts in marriages. The inability to agree on one thing or see things the same way causes problems. Can two walk together except they agree?[Amos 3:3]. The man thinks it should be one way but the woman thinks otherwise and they end up yelling at each other creating controversies and indecisions. Some times it’s like two captains running a ship resulting to leadership tussle. As much as I concede to mutual submission, I also believe that every house should have a head. Perhaps only God can love an in submissive person unconditionally. Submission and love goes together. It promotes genuine love and forbearance. Little wonder why Eph 5:22 first request wives to be submissive to their husbands in all things, then conclude with men to love their wives as Christ loved His Church. I am not suggesting that a man’s love should be subject to his wife submission. Not at all. Apostle Paul’s appeal rests on the creation order and authority. However a woman who continually opposes her husband will soon discover that such behavior depletes her husband’s love for her. A woman should choose to be a wife not a husband and vice versa. On the contrary, most men have abused their wives’ submissiveness, taking their obedience to God for granted.

Change of spouse: One simple truth is that no man can change another. If you notice a habit or behavior you do not like, commit it first to God in prayers and then discuss it with your spouse. Trying to change somebody may be an uphill task. It may result to disagreement, resistance, fight or hate and separation.

Church camouflage: Many people get involved in the church: sing in the choir, partake in Sunday school, prayer fellowship and other activities but when they are mistaken for good wives or husbands, people get worst deals. Even though they are in Church, the Church is not in them. In the Church everyone poses like an angel of light but outside the Church some become who they are. Don’t be fooled by some Church folks who practice religion, even when they are born again but behave born against.  Again not all that shout praise the Lord mean what they say. But for the fear that the church members would replete their regards for them, they hide in religion as passerby’s not members. This constitutes Church camouflage or hypocrisy; they are in Church practicing religion.

Unforgiveness [hardness of heart]: The scriptures repeatedly caution against hardness of human heart. In Matthew19:8, Jesus said it was the reason for quarrels, disagreements, separations and divorce. Three words that must not be wanting in our relationship are: thanks, sorry and please. Yet many people lack these words in their vocabularies. In our Lord’s Prayer, Jesus taught us to pray ‘forgive us our sin as we forgive others.’ Again what we say and how we say it matters. There are two types of sorry: [i] for being caught in the act [remorse]; [ii] for wrong doing and vow never to do it again [repentance]. Sometimes we do not wait for an apology to forgive someone who wrongs us. Murdock taught that what we receive from God depends on what we are willing to let go. We can’t buy or pay for our past; Jesus had done that on the cross. Marriage is a union of two good forgivers. To move on we must halt, examine where we are, try to let go and move on.

Misconception of marriage ideals: The most critical ideal for couples is openness as well as sharing. Some come into marriage relationship with selfish ambition. They pursue the “I” or “me” first goals instead of “us”. They dip where it suites them and skip where it’s unfavorable. If one decides to go into marriage relationship he/she should forgo selfish ambition and be naked to each other sharing every information, feelings and affection. Some even go as far as denying one another love on flimsy excuses; others keep friends outside who know all about them but not their spouse. When one gets married the marriage family becomes a priority. The greatest calamity happens when marriage is taken for granted. Married couples should deliberately choose to serve each other. Negative attitude breeds’ hurt, hate and disservice to one another. Doing things together: prayers, devotion, bible studies, shopping, outings, bathing, eating, and sleeping together help build closeness, security, trust and happiness. True love lacks fears and has nothing to hide. The choice before married couples is to serve one another in love, respect each other’s opinion and be always supportive, sharing both successes and failures. Marriage is an association of two imperfect people who depend on God for perfection, love and peace.

Comparing achievement: Some are quick to compare their spouses with others. You often hear your mates have done this or that. Every person is created uniquely and differently. Again we are not in a rat race. People are identified and recognized not on whom they are but on the cars they drive, the house they live, the cloths they wear, sometimes the monetary contributions they make. The society has little or no concern about the source of the new found wealth. While most record these achievements, they do not enjoy them. Some buy big houses but sleep at job or in workplace twenty four seven. They buy things because of ego or show, not that the family needs it. The biggest problem is that couples do not spend quality time together and children hardly know their parents. They simply work for bills chasing their dreams but loosing their families. They live in fallacy and fantasy; a media influenced lifestyles and artificial standard of living.

Unrealistic expectation: No matter how one tries, some spouses are insatiable. Like Oliver Twist they ask for more. Some of them are by nature ingrates and selfish. They strive to live according to the society and the groups they belong or admire. Where they can’t meet ends, they complain, feel dissatisfied and over bearing. Over expectations could push one into greed, robbery and treading on dangerous grounds; it could produce excruciating stress and anxiety. Patrick Morley in the ‘Man in the mirror’ describes it as pursuing the Madison Avenue lifestyle [call the beautiful, wrinkle-free life]. This style produces spending beyond income or debt pressure and manifest lack of contentment. There are byproducts of consumerism society. There are two ways of creating a standard of living: income or debt. Spending beyond our income accumulate debt. We live according to society expectation, to impress other people or even our spouse at the detriment of our health and beloved families. How do you feel living your whole life for another person? Whose coat are you wearing? You need to become who you are and stop being people’s slave.

Pursuit of significance. Man was created with natural inclination of being task oriented with the mandate to fill, subdue and rule the earth [Gen.1: 28]. Most people work to provide for the family but some loose balance along line between task and relationship. At work they escape the unpredictable spouse emotions and children’s whiny behavior. However no amount of success at work can compensate for failures at home.  It’s generally opined that men are task oriented while women are generally relationship oriented. This supports another opinion that men are physical and women emotional. The societies we live in acknowledge financial achievement as measure of success, higher than people and relationship.

Little wonder most people succeed at work and fail at home and in life. Patrick Morley opined most men may not be unhappy with their marriages but don’t really enjoy their wives. Perhaps for this reason Martin Luther said, let the wife make the husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave. We need to redefine our significance in terms of fame and fortune.

Reach: Evangelist Ogbonnaya Godswill at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com OR Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272.

                                     

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF GOOD MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP

            In our age and time most marriage relationship are legally together but emotionally and mentally divorced. The couples may be admired for staying together through years, when in reality their relationship is waned. They put on smiling faces in churches and at public outings but this is simply cheerful deceit. The romance flame is dim while sex is epileptic at will, if not completely shut down. Most women use sex as a tool to seek for affection or control while men counterparts lack romance in their dictionary.  According to Gary Smalley in “Love is a decision,” women are relationship oriented. “Women have a built in relationship manual…. A wife is a gold mine of relational skills”. Debra White Smith in ‘Romancing your husband’ said women have a thermometer that constantly measures the statues of their marital relationship. If their relationship is going well, then romance and sex will be excellent. If the relationship is ill then the romance dwindles and sex is infrequent or totally withdrawn. A lady once said ‘I could give excuses of having headache, pains and weakness or not in the mood.’ Most men pay little or no attention to women’s feelings and understanding their ever unfolding nature and world.  A young man opined, ‘I too give excuses of work, weakness and illness.’ Funny world we live in! God gives, devil steals, kills and human hoards.

            Williard F. Harley Jr in ‘His needs, her needs,’ said that while a woman’s first need in marriage is affection, a man’s first need is for sexual fulfillment. Another school of thought, Gary and Barbara Rosbery opined that both husband and wife’s first need is for unconditional love and their second needs are sexual for men and emotional intimacy and communication for women. Most women would tell you that their husband is less romantic while the men would wish their wives were more sexual. Dr Ross Campbell teaches that a woman has a difficult time initiating love for her husband when she feels the husband is not supportive in areas of family life, emotional and otherwise. The same is true of the husband family responsibility. He wants to know that the wife is ready and willing to help. A woman feels cheated to assume responsibility because her husband simply ignored it. That could make her feel insecure and uncomfortable in responding to his love. A husband feels willing to go extra miles, work over time for a wife he feels love and respect him; present him well to the children as a spring rock of authority and head. A wife can be wonderful at accepting love initiated by her husband amplifying it manifold and reflecting it to her children. Most women expect the man to take responsibility of initiating love. In response they return to them a priceless love, rewards and appreciation. These priorities must be set right. Of interest wives are more competent in the area of their love, caring and identifying emotional needs in men and children. Men desperately depend on their wives’ help in leading them in this relative foreign world of feelings. The woman must be careful to exclude badmouth and nagging since these deflate man’s inspiration to take responsibility and be sensitive to the wife’s needs as well as the children. I’m yet to see a man who loves his wife and hate the children.

Debra Smith observed that it’s very easy for a woman who feels emotionally cheated by her husband to stop meeting his sexual needs. After the woman stops meeting her husbands’ needs, the man in turn would decline to meet his wives emotional needs for romance. The cycle continues in a downward trend until the marital relationship is non existent. This could result into living like cotenant and divorce brings the marriage to a halt. Debra condemned this odd behavior and encourages couples to follow the golden rule. “Do unto others what you wish them do unto you in everything. Give and it will be given unto you…forgive and you would be forgiven [Matt 7:12; Luke 6:37-38].

            Simply avoiding doing evil to others does not mean that a person is doing good. In the same view a woman or man may not do evil to each other but are passively ignoring or depriving his or her needs. When couples scorn their spouses in their needs for each other, they are living against the golden rule, ridiculing them for the need God placed within each other. Debra opines, ‘When your husband makes erotic suggesting by touches or words, towards sex, he’s treating you the way he wants to be treated. By this behavior he entreats his wife his needs…… If romance is what a woman needs, she should pour romantic synergies into her marriage. She should not wait to say it’s my husbands’ duty to romance me. By so doing she stops yearning to be romanced and step up to lay hold what belongs to her. She could set the motion by dropping him a text message or love note taped on his car steering or make candle lit dinner just for him; no complaining or murmuring. Even if at first your husband wasn’t romantic after a time the strong flame of your love shall sweep him in. On the same note, men can make their wives look forward to making love. Men could provoke that by making calls and thanking her for yesterday, stopping by shop to pick a little thing to show concern for her and children. The woman feels appreciated and loved.

 Apostle Paul urges Corinthians saints, {1 Cor 7:3-5}”the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body doesn’t belong to her alone but also her husband. In the same way, the husbands’ body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent. Meeting the marital needs of our spouses is obedience to Gods commands and a choice we must make daily. It’s a priority and should not be neither compromised nor denied, by this way we build intimate relationship and good marriage that endures.

Evangelist Ogbonnaya, G. can be reached by email: gkapin53@yahoo.com

           

   Part  2

 Good marriage breads good family.

   Pope John Paul II once said, “As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live”. As many couples take vows of marriage, they desire to have good marriage, wonderful and responsible families where love, mutual respect, commitment and unspoken sense of security exist. Some enter into marriage relationship with great optimism and expectations, but sooner had the honeymoon period ended the couples began to feel sense of disappointment, dischantment and incompatibility. What must have gone wrong?  Why sudden feelings of indifferences? Is it natural or could it be a failure on their part or an experience in the journey of togetherness. Some of the couples had baggages from their family upbringing ragging from the relationship between their parents, how issues were resolved, decision-making, and response to incidences as well as the challenges of mutual respect and communication. These baggages could run couples into conflict and crisis that if not properly handled may end the union. So they should be prepared to make adjustments, choices and compromise on issues.

       However, good marriages just don’t happen. There are deliberately cultivated and nurtured over times. These take hard work and commitment on the part of couples. A good family starts with good parent. Couples should first decide what they want, how to get it done, who does what, how issues are resolved and how to handle finances etc. One great decision is to leave behind what their various parents and families were doing and evolve a new culture and way of life. Most importantly they need to inculcate new sets of values, better communication skills and give God a place in their union. They must be committed and willingly serve each other, respecting their opinions as well as accepting their differences. These could be obtained through observing faithful mentors and other good parents. They should willingly visit experienced Christian counselors, if need be.

     Before couples get married they should attend marriage counseling session, where experienced counselor would examine their backgrounds and goals to determine the probability of good marriage. This happens early in courtship. Recent statistics reveal that very few couples make this choice. Most Africans neither consider this option due to ignorance or negligence nor court sincerely.

Many married couples got into the union without thinking about the demands of marriage relationship. Some married because their age mates were also marrying or were persuaded by parents so as to have grandchildren timely. Again marriage was a symbol of coming of age and becoming responsible.

Some chose neither their spouse nor had the privilege of courtship. As they traveled home from abroad, their parents, relations, or mentors had already hand picked some ladies thereby limiting their choices. Worst still these folks have little or no time to play with. The only option that prevailed would be to quickly get marriage and return to America or Europe within the limited time allowed by employers and of course to work and pay bills already due.

Whether they respect each other or are compatible are no initial factors. Sometimes most arranged marriages work where the couples were trained in marriage values and trust God to make it work. They may not know what was needed to nurture and nourish the union, but they believe in each other and determined to share life together. More so both couples are representing their families in the union, to maintain the covenant that existed from the days of their great grand parents, keep the family reputation and raise children that will together uphold their culture and tradition. They believed in the sanctity of marriage and were willing to pay the price of togetherness. They had to make it not only work but gradually galvanized into healthy marital relationship.

      How would you expect a strong family that share great values when the marriage is torn apart or exist in conflict and crises? We are quick to blame it on the now generation and their behavior, when indeed they learnt from the parents. The children speak trash because their parents speak trash. The children are insulting and abusive because their parents raise voices at each other. They fight at school and public places because they watch their parents resolve issues by fighting. When a man get married, it’s to have a helper who would share life’s aspirations and family values with him; together they raise a family and inculcate great values in them. But regrettably what is obtained these days is to have a competitor who does not believe in collective growth and success but on individual achievement and pride. This negates the purpose of marriage. How can good children be raised under that atmosphere except by God’s intervention?

     Most children have never seen their parents spend quality time together. They never experienced time together except one that ends in quarrel or fight or raining abuses on each other. Are you surprise that we are raising a generation that never experienced peace, love and patience? All they know is to war against each other. The saying for every successful man there is a woman and vice versa applies in turmoil. Where are the supports we owe one another? What we see are couples that brand their spouses failures while they boast their individual achievements. For you that call your spouse stupid, you are married to a stupid person. Also those that brand their spouses failures, no matter how loud they blow their trumpets of successes are also failures. Marriage is a relationship for collective success and achievements. No amount of individual success can compensate for the lost of collective achievement.

     When couples say marriage vows they are committed to each other. That commitment and covenant entails working willingly with each other, solving their problems together, making necessary changes if necessary to strengthen their marriage and making each other better individual and the couple a better whole.

Catharine M. and Joseph A. Garcia- Prats writing on ‘Good families don’t just happen’ opined “you can’t build a marriage by fulfilling most of your needs outside the relationship. Time together allows the relationship to develop and mature.” The vow is for better and for worst. Sharing your feelings and frustrations with outsiders may not solve the problems, even though it could for a moment ease internal stress -the malady causing the death of most African men.

    Good communication with one’s spouse and sharing feelings help to strengthen relationship and build good marriage. Talking to each other keeps couples connected and enable them share their daily experiences. Unfortunately most couples build barriers against each other. They chat with other people on cell phones and by e-mail but have nothing to talk with their spouses. It could be because of already stained relationship or some entered into marriage relationship with poor skills learnt from their families and peer groups. Unfortunately the language that was accepted by your parents and peer groups may not work with your spouse. If our marriage must work we need to determine to change that pattern and develop new ideals. The way couples communicate with each other is the same way they communicate with their children. That is observed in children when they respond to their parents, teachers and relate with peers as well as other people. You cannot run down your spouse before your children or in the public and expect respect from them. When you oppose or openly criticize one another before your children that leaves the children with the impression that you have no respect or regards for each other; they no wise would have respect for both of you. Respect happens to be the core of good communication. Any good marriage must maintain high level of respect and close communication to thrive.

     Erich Fromm writing on ‘The Art of Loving’ states, “to love somebody is not just a strong feeling, it’s a decision, it’s a judgment, it’s a promise.” In effect, to love someone is a continuous decision and ongoing choices. This love needs to be reaffirmed each time; it’s a learned behavior. Even though this attitude may not be popular in African culture but it’s a value that we ought to learned and practice just like we’ve learnt to wed after traditional marriages. It’s necessary to mention that reaffirmation of love is not meant to be initiated by one sex. Most couples that desire to hear I love you do not initiate it; they wait for the other partner to say it all the time. That makes no sense. Some only reaffirm their love during anniversary celebrations. That’s for showmanship. The me-first philosophy does not give room for good relationship. The willingness to shift grounds, adapt and adopt changes enables couples to grow from one experience to another. They learned in each experience a little more about each other and realize how compromise and working together strengthens and enrich love and marriage relationship. It’s therefore important to strive to maintain good marriage since it breed good family and healthy nation.

     Happy marriage is rooted in sacrificial love. The Garcia-Prats also said “Love therefore is the ingredient of good relationship and brings forth happy home where children are raised in love and they develop habits of walking in love of God.” This love fosters good life, harmonious home and enduring relationship. Happy families do not always connotes marrying someone who is compatibles with you. You could be different people ideologically but are prepared to subject to one another, learned to work out things little by little, adapt to one another and also learned to value your differences.  I’ve often over heard people arrogantly say, ‘you can’t change the way I behave because that’s the way I was created; you may not like it, that’s your fault.’ These folks believe everyone should accommodate their behaviors and see things from their own perspectives. Specifically I heard a wife say to the husband, ‘if you don’t like what I do, quit and stop complaining, after all I did not force you to marry me.” These outbursts do not give room for adjustment. It portrays a complete ignorance of the demands of marriage and good family life.

     The scripture admonishes couples to submit [or subject meaning adoption] to each other. It further instructs wives to subject to their husband as unto the Lord; husband to love their wives as Christ love the Church [Ephesians 5: 21ff]. Subjection becomes a command and religious obligation. How can a wife ever claim to be subject to God she does not see when she has turned her husband to a doormat; disrespect him whom she had vowed herself to love and cherish for life. Again no husband can claim to love God whom he has not seen when he hates his wife – the love of his life. The scripture does not teach that marriage is cheap and easy. Indeed love involves a lot of sacrifice to work. It’s beyond infatuation, courtship and honeymoon. It’s a life long commitment and involves ongoing choices, adjustment, concession and adoption.

     In November 2005 edition of Men’s Health Magazine, the University of Michigan Researchers submitted, “Women tend to automatically associate sex with submission. Amy Kiefer, PhD opines the more that women reports adopting a submission sexual role, the less they could express their opinions and desires during sexual activities.” In biblical times it was the submission to her head [the husband] and the Lord Jesus whom she worshipped that lead Sarah to call Abraham, ‘my Lord.’ Our generation rejects submission but propagates Eros – sexy love. When submission exists in marriage, the children learn from what they see and put it into practice.  This good relationship breeds good families. However when people go into marriage with selfish mindsets, they hold to their individual ways inside a corporate setting. Even though they are married and stay under the same roof, they’re simply living lonely together. The mindset of selfish people is stupid; they are never happy because they live in conflicts. A house divided against it shall collapse. Some were built on sand without a solid foundation and it’s a matter of time before they give way. Two cannot move together except they agree. That’s why many married people live like co-tenants. The scary thing is that their children may end up living like them and the hurricanes keep coming. Little surprised that Apostle Paul wrote, ‘love does not insist on its own right or its own way. It’s not self seeking.’

      What’s baffling is that many Christians claim to love the Lord but neither attempt to keep his commandment nor love their neighbors. They may not complain about their marriages but are grieved with their spouses and grudge against the family. We sing God of love but learnt nothing of the unselfish nature of God’s love and grace. It’s this unselfish nature that took Jesus to the cross to die for those who hated and rejected him. Unselfish couples give in to one another and look for ways to live happily together. Even though our spouses are human and imperfect, but God commands us to subject to one another. The submission Apostle Paul called for is in reference to Christ. When we come to Christ we learn to love and yield to each other in reference to Christ. The word submission has been expunged from the bibles of many hurting couples even though it still stirs at them and alive. Submission is not a sign of weakness, as many perceive but a sign of maturity and mutual respect. It gives opportunity for discussion, expression of opinion and learning from one another. Let us do away with self-pride that was once crucified on the cross and seek for things that holds the marriage together; these result in good marriage and family.

Good families don’t just happen; they are worked out. They evolve in subduing, overcoming many challenges and having better understanding of the dance of togetherness; make right choices towards it. You have to pay the price, let go the past and humbly lay down prides while pursuing the goal. An African adage says, “What you will pay to stop an elephant from entering the farm is far less than the cost of what the elephant shall destroy when it enters the farm.”

A Healthy Family Stay Married

A Healthy society spring up from a healthy family. A healthy family is where mom and dad live and rear their children in love. A healthy family is where couples are happy and secured; they bring into the relationship their various strengths and weaknesses, determined to make them work for good. The foundation of a good family is a strong, secured marriage. The couple must have love and commitment for each other; treat each other with mutual respect, acceptance and willing to relish each other’s shortcomings [weaknesses]. They must have God in the centre of their relationship, strong belief in His saving grace and sufficiency in all they do; whether it’s in rough times or good times, they raise their children and deal with other members of the family as well as the society in love and sound mind.

However, two strong elephants have invaded the farm yard of good marriage and caused insurmountable damages that is costing the society a great deal to fix. They are divorce and fatherlessness. These have caused not only break down in original family structure as invented by God, the creator but also causing a threat to the future family well being as well as the society and nation. The divorce rate has suddenly surged upward; juvenile delinquency and unwanted pregnancy become common features of our society. The crime rate is on the increase, abuse in marriage a common feature; our children suffer depression, earn poor grades at schools and drop outs. On the other hand, many families are struggling to live without father’s presence while the associated consequences beg for urgent attention. For these reason we urged couples to stay lovingly married, to avert the problems arising from separation, divorce and fatherlessness. Don’t forget that good families don’t just happen; it’s achieved through hard work.

 The following features are elements of good marriage:

God’s design and Institution: The key to good and secured family rest on the foundation of God and His word. God designed and instituted marriage to reflect his relationship with the church and prepare mankind for immortal relationship in eternity. The purpose God created human beings [male and female] in his image and likeness was for blessing, multiplication, fruitfulness and to have dominion [Genesis1:27-28]. It was not God desire to keep man alone. That is why He made a helpmate, companion to complement and help man in his daily endeavors [Gen.2:18]. For marriage to be successful, it needs undivided commitment to God. God becomes in-separatable part of any marriage and good family that then depend on Him for sustenance and guidance in living and rearing their children [Due 6:5-7]. Couples should study, meditate daily on the word of God, worship and praise and offer prayers to Him in the name of Jesus. They should teach their children their God and beliefs; attend a bible believing Church with them. “A family that prays together stays together.”

Become one: God instituted marriage on the bases of two becoming one [Genesis 2:24-25].  For this reason a man leaves his father and mother, cleaves to his wife and becomes a couple, a unit and one. Even though they are two physically but are united to share life as one. This is an area where many couples have failed to fully understand the working together in God’s wisdom and fulfilling His requirements.  To stand before God and crowd of witnesses and promise to be cleave to each other; to love and abide in good and bad times; then turn around to play feeble is folly on anybody. Building a loving, lasting and fulfilling relationship calls for strong commitment and constant effort on the part of both spouses. It takes love, mutual respect, trust and compromise; open and good communication, sharing goals, values and acceptance of each other as well as willing to forgive always. Becoming one entails standing against influence of families, peer groups, old friends and past experiences. Both must be willing to be opened [naked] to each other. Most especially couples need time together to develop and nurture their relationship.

Unconditional Love: To love your spouse is a daily decision and promise. It’s not based on what the person does, weight, height or failings. However, good behavior lightens the burden. There’s no marriage without a conflict; no relationship without disagreement. Some conflict shall never go away because marriage is a union of two imperfect people. In his book, unconditional love, John Powell says, “weathering the storms of the love process is the only way to find the rainbow of life.”  Couples should be quick to resolve conflict. “The process of forgiving is different but it’s essential in a loving relationship.” We should be able to ask and give forgiveness. Many spouses have no forgiveness in their dictionaries. They keep malice and live week after weeks holding resentment against each other. Life is a journey – that will cause you to grow and mature. Forgiveness will stretch and strengthen you. When bitterness and anger flare up, let go those feelings to the Lord and let God help out. A parent who harbors resentment towards the other spouse will transfer same to the children. The Bible commands men to love their wives as Christ love the Church; wives to honor and reverence their husbands. However it takes God’s grace to love unconditionally. Only God loves, when we are unlovable.

Mutual Submission: Submit to one another out of reference for Christ [Eph 5:21]. We are living in a society where submission is looked on with ‘gender prejudices’ and misrepresentation. Chauvinism is the antitheses of submission and God’s love. Apostle Peter urges wives to be submissive to their husbands, so that if any of them does not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of the wives……… [1 Peter 3:14]. In Romancing your husband, Debra White Smith says, “Submission is influence, submission is beauty, submission is of great worth to God. It’s also the key to your husband’s heart and the avenue through which romance will flourish.” It’s also the key [not nagging] of heightened romance and excellent sex.” She adds, ‘When it comes to sex, submission is electric; when it comes to romance, submission is magic. Submission is unconditional love in action.  A wife who experiences this kind of love for her husband is eager to meet his needs. Their men in response to wives striving to meet their needs open their hearts and envelope their wives in love and submit to their needs. One of the most powerful acts one can accomplish in one’s marriage is submission. It’s not weakness; it’s an act of inward strength that will revolutionize a marriage. Submission offers husbands the security they need to completely release their hearts to their wives.

Multiply and Fruitfulness: ‘Didn’t God make you [husband and wife] one body and Spirit with her? It was that you should have children who are truly God’s people……….’I hate divorce’ [Malachi 2:15ff]. When God created man and woman and cleave them together in marriage, He charged them to multiply and fill the earth [Gen1:27-28]. God’s design and creation was that children would be reared and raised by two parents [male and female]. Mom and dad parent differently. While moms care and nurtures children, dads develop skills that help them face the world around them. Studies have shown that children raised by active involvement of two parents [male and female] are emotionally secured, balanced and matured with full personality. These children grow in love, secured, healthy and in fear of God. They become healthy family, good society and nation.

Selfless Service: The purpose of coming together in marriage is to love each other and offer oneself selflessly to the other. ‘True self love is different from selfishness. Selfishness ends in the self; true-self love is integrated with a desire to love and serve God and others.’ When you become conscious of self and practice me-first behavior, then you’re selfish. You think highly of yourself and care little or nothing about your spouse. A Christian behavior should flow in JOY =Jesus, others and you.

Controlling factor: “There are very few men who would want a drill sergeant for a wife.”  Men as well as women dislike controlling partners. Men abhor living with domineering wives and women dread controlling mates. Unfortunately many marriages are nothing more than a battle ground for power. This is disillusioned. A woman who tries to control her husband can in no way respect and revere him. Laura Doyle opines, “If you trust him and respect his ideas rather than trying to control, that frees and empowers him to be all he can be in all his relationship including marriage. Doyle further says, “Until you stop trying to run his life, you’ll never know what it’s truly like to be married to your husband…..” If he feels dis-respected, his natural instinct to provide, protect and adore his wife is derailed….” Debra smith says, ‘one of the signs that respect is dying or has never existed is when attempting to control the other person creeps in.’

Reach Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com or P. o. Box 720035 , Houston , Texas , 77272

 

 

Responsible parenting:

          Wilfred A Peterson once said in practicing the art of parenthood, ‘an ounce of example is worth a ton of preachment.’ The old philosophy, “Do as I say, not as I do” does not hold water anymore. Our children do what they observe us do. In effect our children mirror what we do and practice them. Catherine Musco Garcia- parts and Joseph Garcia prats in good families don’t just happen opined, “Children are always watching us-the adults and can easily spot hypocrites and discrepancies.” They further said, “If we want our children to be responsible, we must accept and fulfill our responsibilities to our spouse, children and communities.” Since our children constantly watch us and are interested in what we do, we must continuously strive to do good things so as to become better individuals. Our children emulate us, so we must set good examples for them.

            Good parents do not mean we don’t have personal weakness, but it poses the challenge to work and improve on them. When we make mistakes we should own up to them. Through generic hormones, we observe similar attitude in our children, and should appreciate where that comes from and know that we’ve been struggling to improve them in our own lives. So good parenting does not only entail teaching and educating our children but also struggling with our lapses and improving them so that our children could see them in good light. For example: We cannot be taking a nap and tell our children we are not home. We cannot be latecomers at work and other activities and expect our children to be prompt at church and school. We cannot say mean words before our children and expect them to speak kindly and respectfully. We cannot smoke and ask our children not to smoke. If we do they will not take us seriously.

            Good parent involves a lot of choices. Choice of a good spouse who is not only determined to sharing life vision with you but together you share life’s aspirations, enjoy your relationship and raise great family. If you choose a spouse whom you do not share mutual respect with, you will end up in constant conflict and unending emotional torture. You have to respect your spouse before you can submit or love him/her; accept who he/she is and the differences between you, if not overbearing. It’s not in all cases that you are compatible, but you should be prepared to make concession, compromise, shift grounds and let go. Many have been known to go into marriages with baggages from their backgrounds and believed they’re the best. These give no grounds for options and choices. Parents should love themselves and exhibit high sense of value- respect, honesty, love, kindness, and forgiveness.

          Most couples are just incompatible and thorns on flesh of each other.  They neither believe in nor practice collective achievement. They live in competition with one another and shares life’s goals differently. Children are quick to notice the infighting that most times burst into conflicting leadership tussles. When couples fail in their relationship, they attempt to woe their children to their side by telling them what they were not supposed to hear and buying them pettish gifts. Responsible parents should keep their children out of their chores. Pestering children with complains about each other’s misdeeds drive children crazy and make them feel like running away from the hell of a home.  This situation avails their peer groups more room to feed them with wrong ideas.

            Good parenting involves loving “Joy”- Jesus, others and you. You cannot love others unless you love yourself and accept who you are. Again you cannot love yourself unless you love your Creator. The love of God begins with loving your spouse, and if you love your spouse you will also love your children. If you respect your spouse, you will do the same for your kids. When you love your family, you will be motivated to work hard and provide for them- good house, best school and other life necessities. In turn the children shall be encouraged, motivated and do well at school and become good citizens.

           Parents should be unanimous in their principles and consistent in response to their children’s actions and needs as well as being constructive in their approach. Even though each couple parents differently, they should avoid giving conflicting instructions. There should be an authority structure in every marriage relationship. God provided for this structure to enhance effective administration and controls in families. Except this order is adhered to respectfully there’s always a problem – conflicting leadership. When children observe these lapses they are quick to exploit them. The couples would end up blaming their children not understanding they created the loopholes. They should be good communication flow and mutual respect between parents. You would still be the authority you are if you tell your child, “let me confer with your mum / dad and get back with you.” It portrays mutual respect; collective leadership and ensuring you are on same page. The children will learn to respect and appreciate such feelings; that debars them from playing manipulating games.

            Being a good parent entails enforcing discipline in a gentle, firm, and consistent manner. Standards and rules are set out and each time there is a violation, there’s an appropriate consequence for the action. It could be to loose privileges, time out or additional work. Parent should not be reluctant to enforce discipline. Most parents establish guidelines and rules and consequences but do not enforce them and the children know that they are weak in enforcement and cash on it. Even though fathers and mothers parent differently they should not be split in decision when it comes to discipline. Let it be known that behaviors that are belittling, mean, unkind and unloving is unacceptable. We must educate our children on how to respect themselves, others, authority and property. We equally speak to them politely, in appropriate tone and insist they do not raise their voices on each other and on other people. We must be conscious of the words we say and how we say them. We should also decease from making derogatory comments about people before our children. Our words and actions speak volumes and means a lot to our children.

            Good parent should train their children on simple hygiene and cleanliness- wash hands before meals, after using restrooms, sneezing and other times they get hands dirty. They should learn proper showering, teeth washing, barbing, nail cutting and general cleanliness. To protect them from childhood diseases, we immunized them timely. Responsible parents should insist their children wear protective headgear when riding a bike or skating. Parents must wear seat belt every time they drive, and ensure that their children do it. It protects children from hazards. We need not learn the hard way or cry when the head is off. Responsible parents lock up their guns and other equipment to protect children from harm and untimely death. Yet often we hear that children carry their parent’s pistols to school and shoot others. You will be wondering how can this happen? They usually name it a mistake or mishap; unfortunately someone is gone.

        Responsible parents pursue intellectual development and education of their children. Educating children to their fullest potential is a primary parental responsibility. Does it surprise us that most parents blame teachers, and school authorities for children poor performance when indeed the bulk responsibilities rest on parents? Learning is a natural evolving process that starts from home ever before a child begins to attend school. Before we point accusing fingers on teachers and others, how often do we read with the children, providing intellectual stimulation: teach children simple things even before school age. Do we provide a good environment for their studies? Or support the efforts of the school and teachers by being involved and ensure they do their homework’s and observe where they are having problems and relate to the teachers. By being involved we observe their talents, gifts, and abilities, encourage and be proud of their peculiar talents and ingenuity. We note their weakness and jointly with the teachers offer helps. These responsibilities is not met because parents prioritize pursuit of money, doing two to three jobs and hardly make time to check what their children are doing. They are only interested in buying them new things to cover their lapses and have no time for their development.

            Good parents are also responsible for the spiritual development of their children. The children should be brought up in the fear of the Lord. We should share our faith with our children. Apart from being involved in a bible based church, we should maintain family altars at home, study the word and pray together, “for a family that prays together stays together”. We should lead our children in attending religious activities and practicing God’s presence. Parents should learn to incorporate God in all aspect of their lives and not just to be Sunday Sunday medicines. At home children should be taught how to pray and avail them the opportunity to lead in prayers. By so doing they build confidence to pray often and for others. We should make choices in the interest of our children and family.

            Many things contest for our time. One of the negative challenges is consumerism. This is living the media-generated artificial lifestyle. The American dream is defined in economics terms: money, career and power. Many parents pursue money and are hardly there for their children. They buy big mansions but live at work. They chase their careers and miss their homes, pursue power and cling onto it at all cost. What was the primarily concern for going to work got lost mid-stream; work has become an escape route for troubled homes. Children hardly see their parents; talk less of spending time with them. Good parents need to spend time with their children. They watch their parents do things- wash, clean, make bed, prepare meals and set the meals tables etc.  Children start being responsible from home. They learn to do laundry and fold them and put in closets, make their beds, keep their rooms clean, empty trashcans. They also iron their clothes, set up their bags ready for school. Good parents ensure children learn four types of responsibilities: responsible for themselves, responsibility for others, and responsibility for God as well as responsibility for society.

            Our children today appear different because their parents are different. We may criticize them for being irresponsible, rude, materialistic and unethical etc. The open secret is either they inherited the emotional and moral character of their parents, or watch us disrespect others or ourselves, so they have no respect for us. We are quick to curse others, abuse and yell at other road users while our children are in the car, make silly remarks about their teachers before the children and ridicule or make fun of others under the watchful eyes and attentive ears of the children. Most parents today were fortunate to have parents that taught them the values of responsibility. We cannot as parents let outside engagements, be it work or fun take precedence over our home responsibilities. For no amount of success or achievement at work or outside the home can compensate for the failure of the home. If we expect more from our children, we must be ready to put in more. Being a responsible parent takes time, patience, perseverance and accommodation. It also takes faith, determination and discipline – functions we cannot derelict.

Part 3

THE VIRTUES OF A GODLY MOTHER

As the continent of North America celebrates motherhood I make bold with great sense of humility and honor to congratulate my mother and all mothers on the occasion of Mother’s Day celebration. I join with Abraham Lincoln and pray fervently, “God bless my mother…….all I am I owe to her.”  Apostle Paul’s writing to the Saints of Ephesians said, “Honor [esteem and value as precious] your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise: That all may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth [Ephesians 6:2-3; Exodus 20:12]. We honor our parents while they are alive and after they’ve passed. On this Mother’s Day we reflect on the joy of having a mother [or mothers]. A mother could be a woman who gave birth to us – biological or a female in our life that has helped to raise us into outstanding citizens. They share their experiences and knowledge with us along side with mentoring us into holy living and the reality of life. Some are still living and others have passed into great beyond but still live in our hearts. We salute and appreciate them.

Moses admonished the Israelites, respect your father and mother [Leviticus 19:3]. Whoever hit or curses his mother [and father] shall be put to death [Exodus 21:15, 17; Leviticus 20:9; Proverbs 20:20]. Despise not your mother when she’s old [Proverbs 23:22]. Why were such hard laws concerning mothers [and fathers] made? I may not have all the answers. My mother often said, “If God did not want me to be your mother He won’t have put you in my womb or you would have died before I gave birth to you.” This explains the special place mothers occupy in children life. Again these laws were made for those who strike, beat, rob, grieve, abuse and even murder their mother [and father] for manslayers [1 Timothy 1:9-10].  The hand of the law usually catches up with them and put them behind bars where they remember the unheeded advices of their mothers, mentors and teachers. They failed to listen and act when the light shines. Today they are in a dark world leaving their moms in agony and tears. However a woman’s tender care never ceases towards the child she bears.

A godly mother advises her child in godly fears and righteous living. Her teachings improve the child’s character; keep away from bad people and from violence [Proverbs 1: 8, 15, 19]. Godly moms untiringly correct their children and do not hesitate to discipline them [Proverbs 13:1; 23:13]. She strives to provide the genuine needs of her child and does not give the child everything he/she cries for. Her children emulate her behavior than her instructions. She behaves politely and respectfully even before her child. She is not disrespectful towards others even when her patience is tested. She commends her child for good behavior and rebuke for acting rudely; keep her promises and maintain rich family values.

A godly mom is a virtuous woman. Prophetic Awareness and Healing Ministries teaches that a virtuous woman is one who is obedient, radiant in her works, majestic in her speeches; who uses the word of God to address her people and circumstances. She neither waste time declaring her grounds when it comes to area of her faith nor compromise anything at all whether her body, soul or time. A virtuous woman is woman of faith that triumphs after a very long walk with God through the shadow of death. She holds unto God when it seems the word of prophesy concerning her life shall not come to pass. She musters courage even when it seem meaningless to those around her. She thinks of people around her: her husband, children, family and friends. She shows mercy and compassion as well as loving kindness through her works and the world sees and come to know Christ very personally.

A godly mom is a praying woman who finds time in her busy schedules juggling to seek the face of God and learn at the master’s feet. A story goes like this: A Christian mother had a son who after High School traveled to a far city but was not communicating with his mother. He got married to a strange woman and blessed with nine children but did not visit home. His mom constantly prayed for her son to embrace the Lord Jesus Christ. This appeared illusion. The woman died and somehow the message reached her son. Two days to her burial, the son returned with wife and nine children. His returned ignited joy and celebration. During the funeral service, after a powerful sermon, a clergy stood up to pray but asked if anyone would want to be remembered that on the funeral day of this great woman of God he/she gave his/her life to Jesus. Following a quiet moment his only son step forward and received Christ. There was tearful joy. God answers mom’s prayers in his own time and way. Billy Graham’s wife, Ruth, says, “If God had said yes to all my prayer requests I’d have married the wrong man- several times.” Let’s devote ourselves to prayers and learn to be satisfied by his judgment; being watchful and thankful in his answers. We should teach our children the Holy Scriptures to make them wise and how to depend on God’s decision [Col 4:2; 2 Tim.3:15].

A godly mom is a hard worker, strong and industrious. She is concern to meet her family needs; brings home food and get up early to prepare food for the family. She’s generous to the have nots; provide comfort for her husband and children. She speaks wisdom and her tongue is seasoned with kindness [Proverbs 31:14-27]. Susannah Wesley was a busy mom with 19 children yet she set aside time [an hour day] to meet with God and pray for her children. Our Daily Bread of May14, 2006 opined, “Being a mother is hard work Indeed it is. The labor to bring a child into the world is only the beginning.” A godly mom involves her children in Christian activities; teaching them godly love and values.

A godly mother is a respectful wife. She respects her husband and honors him. She does him good and not bad. Because of her industry her husband is well known and highly respected among leading citizen. She has high regards for her husband and holds him as an icon in the presence of her children. Little wonder her children appreciate her and her husband praises her. [Proverbs 31:11-12, 23, 28]. She does not only respect her husband but her good deeds are extended to her in-laws and people in the city know she’s a woman of strength. She is capable, loyal and trustworthy [Ruth3:10-11]. Moms aren’t perfect. Sometimes they are fair; favoritism and deception can skew their judgment.[Gen 27:13]. St Augustine wrote God can hit right even with a crooked stick. God can still bless moms and uses their flaws in decision for gainful good. Their passions are understood by God. Thank God for using them to fulfill perfect purposes in our lives.

People in different countries of the world celebrate Mother’s Day on various days of the year because of different origins and history. The British and some of her ancient colonies in Africa like Nigeria celebrated Mothering Sunday on the fourth Sunday of lent [March 18, 2007] while North America and most countries in South America celebrate Mother’s Day on the second Sunday in May [May 13, 2007]. There’s no better time to revive the Mother’s Day Proclamation of 1870 and call for peace and disarmament than now. Join me to appreciate our mothers. They are awesome and wonderful. God bless our mothers, give them good health and long life that they may live to see their children’s children and be cherished and appreciated for their untiring love to us. Amen.

Evangelist Ogbonnaya Godswill can be reached by email: gkapin53@yahoo.com

                                   

RESPONSIBLE FATHERHOOD I

Our society is sadly becoming fatherless. By ‘fatherless’ I mean the disappearance of fathers from homes. Some traveled out in search for daily bread; others are emotionally absent, separated or divorce. In most western countries of the world moms and grandma’s raise their children alone because of the absence of fathers. Current statistics reveal that only a third of the children in US will reach the age of 18 with both biological parents living together. Dr Wade Horn, US Department of Health and Human Services in 2002 address said “The most consequential social trend of our time is the dramatic increase in the number of children growing up in father-absent families. In 1960 this number stood at less than 10 million. Today [2002] it’s 24 million. This means that one out of every three children in America goes to bed in a home absent their father; 40 percent of children who don’t live with their fathers haven’t seen their fathers during the past year. And one–half never set foot in their father’s home……”

Good News magazine writing on the Epidemic of missing fathers said, ‘Studies found that children who live apart from their biological fathers …….are twice as likely to suffer physical or emotional neglect; to manifest emotional or behavioral disorder, including suicidal behavior; to abuse alcohol or illegal drugs; to be suspended or expelled from school or to drop out; and at least are likely to end up in jail.’ According to a Princeton university study, “each year spent without a dad at home increased the odds in the future incarceration by 5 percent”. Again according to the Bureau of justices statistics, “70percent of juveniles in state reform institutions grew up in a single parent or no parent situation, and 53% of state prison inmates grew up apart from their fathers……..”

Before the World War 1, family law awarded custody of a child to the father, who was considered head of household, central to educating children, providing for them and preparing them for adult life. After World War 1, the American nation experienced a shift in culture. The family law adapted a view that the mother was the primary nurturer of children in their early ages and awarded custody of young children to them. Since the 1970s, courts have been making a slow swing back towards the reality and in most cases inclined to awarding custody to father as much as to mothers. Today the court would order the man to leave the home when there’re irreconcilable conflicts. When a man leaves the house it’s regarded not uncommon and treated with a wave of hand. As good as the decision stands, it does not truly meet the need of children that require both parents.

Years back, fathers were concerned in only providing for the family. When mothers joined the work force, the average time parents spent with children dropped. As both parents pursue their careers and head off to work, the children were commonly dropped off in school or daycare facilities. However daycare and schools are no substitute for parents in the children’s life. It’s impossible for parents to train and influence their children if they don’t spend enough time with them. As journalist Caitlin Flanagan put it, “The one thing you cant buy – the presence of someone who cares deeply and principally about that home and the people who live in it; who is willing to spend time, thinking about what these people will eat and what clothes they will need for each occasions….”

It was not long the feminist and women liberals came up with alternative family lifestyles. They opined that white-collar moms could rear their children just as well without dads. This led to the assumption that moms can raise children just as well without a father in the home; suggest that fathers were not really needed in parenting. Statistics and studies have shown that this assumption is illusive and undermined the crucial role fathers play in the life of their children. Studies suggest that children feel an emotional bond more than any other thing. By carrying the baby 9 to 10 months during pregnancy, breast feeding and staying, nurturing the children; the moms are emotionally available to the children. The society has thrown away dads; denied them opportunities to realize their contribution to the children and not recognized as crucial partner in parenting.

However it is important to know that mom and dad communicate in different ways; both are necessary for the child’s balance growth and personality. It also reveals that children do better in two parent families. Men are becoming concern in balancing work and family. They found out that the more they play, share recreational activities and humor with their children, they get closer, more open and satisfied as an adult human being. This emotional investment brings enormous benefits and rewards in the life of both parents and children. Fathers play unique and distinctive role not only in child nearing but in sharing the burden of daily care as well, said Dr Ross Parke. “New studies have shown that dads, who normally are not given as much credit as moms in child bearing actually plays a virtual role in the upbringing of children and their future successes”.

Dr Kyle Pruett observed that children social, physical and intellectual development benefits greatly from the involvement of fathers. Indeed his masculine child nearing tactics often include horseplay with kids cause worry and anxiety in mom. Surprisingly these activities fulfill vital roles in the children’s social, physical and intellectual skills in school and beyond. Little wonder Harmon Killebrew was quoted, “My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mom would come up and say “You’re tearing up the grass”, Dad would reply “we’re not raising grass; we’re raising boys”. A father’s playfulness helps his children develop motor skills, hand-eye coordination, balance and confidence. Such activities create lasting bond between father and children and help them lose their fears about taking on new challenges. Kids who learn early social skills from their dads do better with peers, have higher levels of verbal skills, and score higher as well as better prepared to face life challenges and problems-solving. These exploratory skills are crucial in school and work place. People, who are inquisitive, socially developed and not afraid to try different methods and roles are prone to being successful in meeting challenges. Dad already taught them how to explore the odd world, develop curiosity, self-esteem and confidence.

Most importantly as a spiritual head of the family, a father should not only teach his children spiritual and moral values but live them. For this reason Clarence Budington Keller said, “He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived and let me watch him do it”. Confucius opined, “The father who does not teach his sons, his duties is equally guilty with the son who rejects them.”  Mothers normally give care and comfort while fathers focus on teaching children about the world around them.

CELEBRATING FATHERHOOD

As the world celebrates Father’s Day in 2007, America is on global war on terror. Many beloved young country men and women are standing sentinel at various war fronts defending American interest as well as the world. Families are separated for prolong period; most dads are at war while moms work in the offices or factories. Needs are not met; children left uncared for and become fatherless by emotionally absent, divorce or death. In this age and time we acknowledge that the family is under severe attack. The attack on the traditional family setting is a direct attack on fatherhood and on the God of all creation. About 1970’s and 1980’s, the liberal thinkers [feminist, social liberals] designed new family structures: the homosexuals, gay and lesbian unions, swingling clubs lifestyles, etc. They claimed they can raise children without men; even the child is better off without them. They propounded two myths: fathers are incompetent and don’t care. Jerold Aust of Good News Magazine opines that modern TV shows like: Desperate Housewives, Wife swap and Two and a Half Men represent the wrong side of the family values and help corrupt reality.

As crime rate soars high, many young dads are serving various jail terms in penitentiaries. Those who survive strive to work and provide child support diverted to other uses than care for the child. These new structures came with certain attractions: freedom of choice, self-fulfillment, right of abortion and freedom to divorce. The effect was sudden surge upward in divorce rate, juvenile delinquency, unwanted pregnancy, truancy among children while child molesters and rapist roar around looking for those to devour. The environment has become more unsafe with numerous home invasions The attack on fatherhood ushers in conflict leadership at home, mutual disrespect; distort families and disorientation; Children involvement in drugs, alcohol and gangs as well as obscure behaviors

  It’s not uncommon in this abode to hear some people talk much about their moms and little or nothing about their dads. The society culture throw away dads: emotional absence, frustrated to leave home, discarded, incapacitated or incarcerated. The mom usually give care and comfort while fathers focus more on teaching children about the world around them. During this prenatal period, a child-mother bond is established; improved during breast feeding and at toddler year as the child looks into the mom’s face, knows her and she imparts his /her life. Children yean deeply for dads; are born with a drive to find and connect with their father and not only their mothers. In Christian and African relationship, a man proposes and marries to a woman; becomes her husband. From biblical records, God created the man first, through him he made the woman as a completion to the man. God made the man a head [an overseer] and the woman a neck [pivot] without which the head can not turn. God’s intent is to establish authority in his institution. Dr Ross Parke, author of Fatherhood, opined, “The most impressive thing is fathers are finally waking up to the fact they do matter and society is also recognizing it. Fathers as well as their wives are realizing fathers do play a unique and distinctive role not only in child rearing but in sharing the burden of daily child care as well….”

The change in nuclear family culture of today where both husband and wife work, have also affected the role of fathers in the family. They are no longer seen as only providers but also involve in child rearing, cooking, changing nappy and putting the baby to sleep. Some men may not perform these functions as well as the women do [no naggings] but cultural changes are helping to strengthen father-child relationship, emotional development of the child and building stronger family bonds. The role of the father is by no means secondary to that of the mother. In God’s design of family unit, children are to be reared and raised by father and mother to have balanced and full personality. Even though the mother conceives, carry pregnancy, give birth, breast feed, rear and nurtures the child, the father gives the child spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial as well as social well being. A father is the ideal man in the life of their daughters; the first man they adore and fall in love with. While their boys idolized and emulate him and aspire to be like him. Ideally parents are role model for their children. The children do what they see their parents do. Children with both parents feel safe as they watch position interaction between their parents. If children watch their parents raise voices in anger and being sarcastic to each other or rain insult and put down other people, their children learn fast and emulate these wrong values. Our children should inherit good values and blessings and pass them to their own children.

“Fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation. It‘s the leading cause of declining child wellbeing in the society,” warned social historian David Blankenhorn. ‘It’s also the engine driving our most urgent social problems, from crime to adolescent pregnancy to child sex abuse to domestic violence against women’ [Fatherless America: confronting……..urgent social problem]. ‘Infants who have been well fathered during the first eighteen to twenty-four months of life are more secure than those who were not exploring the world around them and they do so with vigor and interest. They tend to be more curious and less hesitant or fearful especially in the face of novel or unusual stimuli’ [Dr Kyle Pruett]. These exploratory skills are crucial in school and workplace. People, who are inquisitive, socially developed and not afraid to try different methods will easily excel in challenges. Researches reveal that women who are high achievers, such as Margaret Thatcher and Indira Ghandi [Former Prime Minister of Britain and India], respectively  were highly influenced and encouraged by their fathers in their academic and political careers. ‘Sons of fathers who took more responsibility for limit setting, discipline and helping their child with personal problems and social work had significantly higher empathy scores…….Father deprivation is directly linked to difficulties in a child’s self control’ [ K. Pruett]. ‘Dads in the family are even more important than women in the workplace.’

“Honor your father and mother” this is the first of the Ten Commandments the ends with a promise……..You will live long life and it shall be well with you. Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord’ [Ephesians 6:2-4].  This underlined Anna Jarvis’s spearheading the struggle to promote mother’s day celebration as well as inspired Ms Dodd. The honor and celebration of fathers came after many years of celebrating motherhood. The idea of celebrating fathers originated and was vigorously pursued by Ms Sonora Dodd, a loving daughter from Spokane. Her father, Henry Jackson smart single-handedly raised Sonora and five of her siblings following her mom’s demise during child birth. Over the years many Church groups and communities celebrated Father’s day. The campaign and general acceptability got the attention and recognition of President Woodrow Wilson who approved the idea in 1916. As its popularity became eminent, President Calvin Coolidge in 1924 supported the idea of a National Father’s Day. This passion provoked in 1957, Senator Margaret Chase Smith’s letter to the Congress, “Either we honor parents, mother and father or let us desist from honoring either one. But to single out just one of the two parents and omit the other is the most grievous insult imaginable.”  Following protracted struggles and campaign President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday in June as father’s day in 1966.  President Richard Nixon in 1972 established a national Father’s Day to be held on 3rd Sunday of June every year. This concept has spread beyond geographical boundaries and the world celebrates Father’s day in June, yearly.

Father’s day celebration give us opportunity to express thanks and gratitude to our Dads for all their unconditional love and affection; working hard to provide our numerous needs and encourage us in our failures and being there all the time. It could occasion apologies for our insensitive behavior and silly rudeness; ask forgiveness and blessings on our lives. We pray for our fathers and family asking God for long life, good health and peace. We appreciate our dads for the discipline and for not giving us all we needed; for not granting all our permissions to go everywhere we wanted. Phillip Whitman snr said, “Any fool can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy.” .Pope John xxiii said it’s easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.

Buttressing TV Psychologist Dr Phil McGraw quote, “It’s time …hey don’t surrender, don’t give up. Don’t be intimidated by all the forces tugging on your children and family. Don’t accept the epidemics of oral sex, drugs and alcohol in middle and upper schools. Don’t give up on a child that ignores your instructions because God has not given up on us. As custodians, present them daily to their owner. You may not be their best friend but you are charged to be their leader. Don’t parent out of fear that your kids shall run away from the home; they won’t like you or let the internet or TV baby sit them. You may not borrow money to buy them designed made dresses or shoes but provide the ideal.” Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams said, “It kills you to see them grow up but I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.” Helen Rowland opined, ‘I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection’ “Small boys become big men through the influence of big men who care about small boys.” Thank you daddy.

FATHERS COMMAND YOUR CHILDREN AND HOUSEHOLD.

“It’s easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.” Pope John xxiii

Hulaaah, it’s another Father’s Day; let’s celebrate it. By celebrating fathers, we appreciate the important role they play in the family. It’s a way of restoring the image and authority that had long been wrist away in many homes; where moms and grandmas raised children, dad’s absence. We return the honor to the family as we reinstate the headship as designed and instituted by God. By so doing we honor God who had created marriage institution and set up the authority of a man over his household. The scripture says the head of Christ is God, the Father, while the head of man is Christ and man is the head of a woman [1 Corinthians 11:3]. That means even within the Trinity where they are fully God and perfectly equal in essence, there is a head [John 10:30; 14:9-10]. The scripture is quite clear in assigning headship in every family to a husband, not to the wife and the responsibility of teaching and leading the home and Church to a man not a woman; men should not abdicate that function. Man and women are spiritual equals [the redeemed of the Lord] in the sight of God. However the role they perform in the family and Church clearly differ [1 Timothy 2:12; 1 Peter 3:7]. Mothers normally give care and comfort while fathers focus on teaching children about the world around them

The husband is the head but the wife is the neck without which the head may not turn. This is a mystery of God both in the family and Church. This could make or mar your marriage, profession and relationship with God and man. The word of God is eternal even when you attempt to twist it to suit your behavior, it does not change. People of all ages have tried to dip and skip the word of God but thank God it has been secured in heaven. As for God His way is perfect [Psalms 18:30ff].The consequences of man’s erring behaviors are commonplace. Even in this troubling times and age in our history, men should carry out this responsibility like a life fish swimming against all the currents. It may not be easy especially in the society we live in. The institution of fatherhood has suffered great set back to the extent that some children do not believe in the place of father in the family because they never had one. There is also deliberate fight for headship that has resulted into conflict leadership in some homes. What happens is that the two captains in the family ship give conflicting directions and continuously live in disagreement. This plants seeds of discord in the family. “When two elephants fight the grass [children] suffers.” Again it appears the institution of fatherhood is offered for sale depending on who bakes more bacon and can pay the price. This state of affair causes disharmony and disunity in the family and body of Christ as well as before God, whom we claim to worship and serve.

Fathering in this age and society can be challenging and extreme difficult but men must take their calling seriously and be as wise as serpent, applying all wisdom. Successful fathering requires the father being personally and actively involved in the training the children. Fathers need to influence their children just like God commands [Deuteronomy 6:5-9]. God’s command is control by His unconditional love; being there for us even when we err and fallen short of his expectation. God in Christ demonstrated the agape love in the parable of the prodigal son [Luke 15:11ff]. In the scripture, God had singled out some great fathers who demonstrated good parenting skills and godly qualities; such a man in the like of father Abraham whom God recognized his upbringing and parenting skills. King David messed up after God had shown him favor and lifted him to a place of prominence. But he applied rebound technique and had the privilege to enjoy the power of God’s forgiveness and restoration. The scripture also recognized fathers who enjoyed the high office of leadership but could not raise their family after God [1 Samuel.2:22ff]. Little wonder some people are successful in the office but failure at home.

Concerning the father Abraham, the Lord God said, “Shall I hide from Abraham that thing I wish to do? Seeing that Abraham shall surely become a great and mighty nation and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him? For I know him that he will command his children and his household after him and they shall keep the way of the Lord, to do justice and judgment……” [Genesis 18:17-19].

The implications of God’s statement are:

*Shall I hide from him? God is comfortable with and trusted Abraham such as to make him a revelation to his generation. The secret things belong to God; He only reveals them. When you are obedience to God, He reveals to you the deep things that are mysterious. If God would not hide his secrets from you, you’ve become not only his child but a friend. Apart from Abraham, God revealed His secrets to Noah, Samuel, Daniel, Joseph etc; He still does even in our days and time. Can God trust and depend on your obedience and faith for a revelation to your household and generation?

*Become a mighty and great nation. God has made him an institution, authority with great dominion. He will be a nation with ambassadorial authority of heaven and through which God intend to establish His kingdom. Little wonder God would not hide his secret, whether it’s good or bad [Genesis 18:16ff]

*For I know [yada] Him. I have a personal experience and intimacy with him; I can feel his heart beat. I can depend on him and trust his decision, that he will be subject to me and obey me. He appreciates that which I have entrusted into his care and depend on me to fulfill and satisfy them; command them into fruitfulness and success.

*Command his children and household after God. He will lead, train, instruct and teach his child and household to fear and obey God. Read, meditate and reflect the word daily. He will pray his family and all that live in his household to fully surrender to God as their source of living and satisfier.  He shall be exemplary to his children and household such that they will reveal the love inside to outsiders [Genesis 17:23ff].

* They shall keep the way of the Lord. As for God His way is perfect [Psalm 18:30]. They shall obey Him even when it makes no natural sense. They shall follow Him even when they do not know where they are going: shall yield their lives to Him and do whatever He says even when they do not know the outcome.

* To do justice and judgment: By justice, we mean righteousness, fairness and equity; the use of authority in the fear of God to obtain right judgment. Any thing short of justice is bias, partiality and lack of mercy.

God is looking for fathers who will train [not only teach] their children and household on how to fear and seek after God; to listen, obey, depend and wait on Him. Fathers who are willing to leave their familiar and comfort zone in obedience to God’s command and follow Him, even when they do not know where they are going or the outcome.[Genesis 12:1ff]. God seeks fathers who will believe the word more than news reports and physicians findings; those who call on God before 911. He is looking for men who will fall and rise again, and again until they fall no more. David was a man after God’s own heart, yet he made mistakes and repented; God still used him to accomplish many tasks. He enjoyed God’s forgiveness, mercies and grace as well as unconditional love.

God is seeking fathers who would care enough to know what happens to their children and household; where they are and who are their friends. These fathers shall know what they are exposed to: communication, environmental, physiological and spiritual. In these days and time we need to know who they chat and hang out with. He needs a prodigal father who will keep open hearts for their children and forgive them unconditionally; must be as compassionate as Moses and teach his kids the skills to face their world. God is looking for a father who will be a good husband to his wife and mother of his kids. A father whose wife will respect and selflessly support his ministry and vision in life, not one who is cantankerous and always attempt to control as well as become wet blanket [Genesis 2:18ff]. Some wives respect their men and know how to allow them be the husband of the home. We wish our fathers fruitful celebration.

Reach: Ogbonnaya, Godswill at weefreeministries@yahoo.com OR P.O.Box 720035, Houston, Texas77272

ELIZABETH – THE GODLY MOTHER

“The title of mother is the biggest honor I have ever received.” Mother Teresa

As we celebrate 2008 Mother’s Day, I shall attempt to look into the life of one great mother in the scripture: Elizabeth – the mother of John the baptize. She was a daughter of Aaron and married to a priest from the course of A-bia named Zacharias. The scripture [Luke 1:5ff] says, she and her husband were both righteous before God; walking in obedience to all the commandments and ordinances of God. They were also blameless; served God faithfully and vigorously through their youthful days and even in their well advanced ages. But Elizabeth was barren because she could not bear a child. Let me reiterate the key words in the passage that described the great and uncommon qualities this wonderful mother possessed. She was righteous, obedience and blameless. Does it surprise us that God could withhold the desires of one who possessed these qualities? Why should God wait until she was stricken in age to put her through the agony and pains of child bearing? These and other questions kept bothering my heart. Why should one who had served God in obedience and preserved in faith suffer such setback? No answer would make sense except saying: for God’s glory and honor.

Let us consider some of the qualities that made Mother Elizabeth:

1. Righteousness: [Luke 1:6].  She was right with God both in heart and action. She was just and devout. Translated from Greek word dikaios [Hebrews –yasher] means straight. It does not mean just mere conformity to the commandment but person who is truly passionate towards God from her heart, based on sincere and honest faith. She believed God and His word even when it did not make natural sense. She was not a perfect person but knew how to acknowledge her short comings in repentant and apply rebound technique. She believed in God no matter what and lived in purity of heart.
2. Walked in obedience to all the commandment and ordinance of God. [Luke 1: 6] She is described to have exhibited great love for God. Only those who believe obey and obedience to God portrays love of God. Little wonder Jesus says, If you love Me keep my commandment [1 John 2 : 3 ]
3. Blameless: Blameless portrays purity of heart. She was pure inside out and preserved in faith. One who walks blameless with God, make God honor His covenant and satisfy the person [Genesis 17:12].
4. Trusted God: Even though she had some unmet desire, she had an excellent heart towards God. She relied on the integrity and ability of God to do, fulfill His promise. She firmly believed in the honesty and reliability of God and was fully surrendered to Him.
5. Honor God in her marriage: She came from a priesthood family and joyfully accepted the constraints to married one of the great God’s servant of her time. She was a helpmeet; became submissive to the authority in marriage. Had great respect and honor to her husband and supported his calling and ministry. Even her husband’s family loves her and rejoiced with her when she had her unique baby [1:56-61].
6. Praying woman of faith: Even when she had no child of her womb, she had children by virtues of our ministry; submitted to God and her husband. She maintained a prayer ministry and upheld her husband in prayers. Elizabeth must have loved and prayed for numerous children. She never lost hope on God and kept prayed expectantly. Even now you don’t just pick any woman to become a wife to a priest of God. She was a woman that could be trusted and feared God.
7. Pursue godliness: “Godliness is the sacred impression and workmanship of God in a man, whereby from being carnal he is made spiritual.” When godliness is wrought in a person, he does not receive a new soul, but he has ‘another spirit’ [Number 14:24]. Greek word eusebeia express the idea of inner piety and spiritual maturity. She maintained undivided fellowship with God through confession.
8. Bore a unique child: [Luke 1:15-17, 44, 76-80] She bore a delayed son and named him, John meaning Jehovah shows favor. The messenger of God delivered his name and annunciated his ministry. Even in the womb, as a baby he leaped in salutation to Jesus, his Lord and master. He was a prophet of the highest God and was filled with the Holy Spirit; came to forerun Jesus by preparing people’s heart to remit their sins. In most delayed children God padded more wisdom and anointing in them and used them mightily. Yours could be the next; keep faith.

Not withstanding the advancement in medical care, in this age and time, they are women or families who are yet to be blessed with a child and some are still expectantly praying for one. Some are advanced in age and may have lost hope. Others have adopted children and some have secretly hired ‘Hagar’ to help them out! Do you think Elizabeth was not ridiculed and mocked for being barren or trusting God without evidence or a heir? Could others who witnessed her setback doubted God’s sufficiency to provide and fulfill dreams? They may have sought medical advices but trusted in the word of God. Being barren was a grave disappointment in ancient times as well as in this age. This state could harass couples who are not preserved in faith and trust God for who He’s. But one day, God remember her and the throne of grace sent an answer to her many years of prayers. In the midst of her frustration, an angel of God brought a message of hope, “Your prayers are answered; your wife Elizabeth shall bare a son and you shall name him, John.”  She wondered could this be a joke or a surprise!

On this special occasion, I dedicate this piece for wives and mothers who await God’s manifestation in the area of child birth. Some are stricken in age and may have lost hope. Others are still in their youthful ages and almost loosing their breath. I pray that this season, God shall remember them. He shall take away their reproach and wipe away their tears. There shall be a reassurance that God is faithful and worthy to be trusted in their lives. God is about to compensate them for all their failures, looses, delays, defeat and tears. All their past disappointment, pains and even pleasures are only a tiny faction of God’s ordained great destiny on this planet.

You may have been down to nothing because of your setbacks, but be joyful for God is up to something: new, greater and more rewarding. He has a better alternative. Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow you down a little bit but the moment you drive past that spot or season, you drive smooth again. Also know that God’s delay is neither denial nor refusal. God is never late but always on time. When God remembers you, those who mock at you shall laugh and rejoice with you. God is turning around everything in your favor. For with God nothing is impossible. Begin to rejoice and praise God for the joy of being a mother and for great things He’s doing. Your dumb founding miracle will surprise you, friends and even enemies. They shall celebrate you at last. This is your season of refreshment and compensation. Have a fruitful mother’s day.

 Reach: Ogbonnaya, Godswill at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com OR P. O. Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272.

THE HELPMATE SPIRIT

As I move around my evangelical duties, I’m often confronted by young men and women who look forward to being initiated into marriage institution.  Most desire marriage but some are scared of the galloping problems that the institution suffers in this age and time. Some observed marriage conflict and tussles from their relations and think it’s not worth the troubles. Others who have witnessed cordial relationship among their elderly relatives cannot wait to join the group. Those who are married become the mirrors that the young see and look upon to learn and emulate the joy and goodness of the institution. Just as it is with Christianity, believers are the gospel and letters that the world read and learn the tenet of our faith and calling. My advice is and shall always be that marriage is designed and created by God and it’s perfect. It’s a wonderful relationship to be married.

The institution is a product of God and it’s based on His agape love. One very salient fact about marriage is that it may not be for every body.  It’s for those who desire it with the aspiration of abiding by the principles that the designer laid down for successful accomplishment. Some people are fascinated about the institution but do not want to go by the rules and boundaries set forth.  They behave like those who want to drive on our roads but ignore road signs and traffic lights; those who buy products from the store but do not care to read and follow the user instructions, safety precautions and warnings. Yet marriage has universal obligations and commitments that those who enter into it must abide in and keep its way. These principles and rules are found in the manufacturer’s manual [The Bible].

Since marriage is not for everybody, it becomes necessary to know what to look forward to in this union. I shall attempt in this piece to answer the question most young men ask: what do we look for in a woman and how do we know whether she will be a good wife? What behavior and attitude should we look for? The scripture says He who finds a wife [not a woman] finds a good thing [Proverbs 18:22]. A prudent wife comes from the Lord [Proverbs 19:14b].  When God said, it’s not good for a man to stay alone; I will make him a helpmate for him, He meant there was a vacuum and needed a companion [not a partner] and helper [not a co-head or competitor]. He does not look for another man [as in gay]. This question is a difficult nut to crack. I romanced my thought and concluded that only God can answer this question rightly.  I also know that God had already revealed His ways and thoughts in the scriptures: the written word of God. I therefore prayerfully search for direct and implied answers. As I peruse the book of the beginning [Genesis], I found that God is the creator of the universe and all that dwells in it [Genesis1:1; Psalms 24; 1ff].  He created man in His image and likeness; created them male and female [Gen 1:27]. God observed that every other creation except man was created in twos. And God said it was not good for man to be alone. The Trine God decided to create a woman as a helpmate and a wife. So a wife is to be a man’s [husband] completion and not a competitor. The story went ahead to say that God caused Adam into a deep sleep;  He made supernatural surgery on him and let out a bone from his side [not his head or feet] and made it into a woman whom Adam named Eve, the mother of all earth.

One significant fact drawn from God’s wisdom in creating a life companion [helpmate] for Adam is both Adam and Eve were in one body before marriage and became one unit, a couple after marriage. The qualities God considered in creating a helpmate was not clearly listed in the book of creation; however it is best known to God and still a mystery. Not withstanding, we could deduce from the passages of the book that: She was to be:

                               a companion [ Genesis 1:27],

                               a helpmate [Genesis 2:18, 23] and

                             Eve, a mother of all living [Genesis 3:20]

A Companion was to be a completion [not a competitor or smothered woman]. A Helpmeet/Helper [Heb’ezer]; another you specially designed and made to meet your needs. The scriptures call God, our Helper; God is the Helper of His people, Israel. [Psalms 118:7; Hebrews 13:6]; Jesus was indeed the helper of the disciples [Mark 1:31] and He prayed the Father to send another Divine Helper as He departed and returned to the Father [John14:16]. The Holy Spirit will be by the disciples to help, comfort and counsel as well as strengthened them [Matthews 14:18, 26, 30-31]. He also intercedes in prayers for them [Romans 8; 26]. It is in this sense that a wife is to be a helper of a husband. It neither belittles nor makes the woman inferior to man. “……for the Lord hath created a new thing in the earth. A woman shall compass [surround and protect] a man” [Jeremiah 31:22]. Eve, [Heb chavah], the mother of all chai, living. She became the mother of all physically alive. By faith in God’s promise of [Genesis 3:15]; she became the mother of spiritually alive. A helpmate serves respectfully; without respect you can neither love nor serve.

When Abraham and Sarah gave birth to Isaac, they knew an heir to the throne was born; he became a child of promise.  Abraham had the responsibility and duty to scout out for a bride for the heir apparent. It was a great task especially for Abraham’s head servant [Eliezer], whom he sent on that errand. What would be the qualities to look for when choosing such a woman who will have to wear into the shoes of Sarah? In our era and times, where some beautiful looking women turn out to become ‘knives’ instead of ‘wives’; they become Jezebel [Ahab’s wife] and Delilah [Samson’s wife]. Abraham’s servant was wise enough to ask God for His enableness and enquire for the sign to confirm His choice. Since God was invited into the scouting process, He led the way and made all things work out well. God responded: …the damsel who would voluntarily offer him and his camels a drink of water would be a good choice. It means Eliezer shall be looking for a young female who was willing to be compassionate and go extra mile; posses a servant’s attitude and helpmate spirit.

In our selfish world, where many people live “a me-first” lifestyle, that was a difficult assignment to carry out. The errand was not looking for a facial or body attraction or academic qualification or a rich parental background. He was not looking a nurse, medical doctor, a Pharmacy or laboratory technologist but for a wife. He was not looking for a macho or tough built robust female who would be strong enough to dig for the gold nonstop but someone with inward strength, humble spirit and compassionate heart who could win by stooping low. Many women who are stars at Fun world and other fun/work places can be successful in careers but they can not be a wife; those who have tried to become one have failed several times. It will be political incorrect to mention submission because that word has been deleted or expunged from relationship manual for advanced world. It was incited when we lived in a world of male dominance. In today world, women have equal rights and opportunity with their male counterpart and in most cases they are preferred in work places and are better of at home without men. Indeed most women, some liberals and feminists have surpassed men in academics, in sports, in politics and in profession as well as in housing a boy friend or gay partners but not as a wife.  When they happen to marry, they end up kicking men away and raising children as single mothers. This is a development that has become a commonplace in our age and time.

Rebakah must have been drawing water from that well year after year and must have shown great kindness to some home people and passerby’s; perhaps with only thank you or God bless you, as consolations. Those who take ‘God bless you’ as a mere greeting and for granted should learn from this. The scriptures warn us not to be tired of doing good; at God’s own time and in His mercies, you will be rewarded.  It may not be the person you showed kindness to, but some strange person shall reward you. You could liken it to the story of the Good Samaritan. It was this passerby stranger who saw a dying soul [not a wasted person] and had compassion on him. When your kindness reaches the throne of mercies, God shall send an uncommon favor your way. It may be different or delayed but trust God your kindness shall be rewarded. Rebakah kept doing good until, this bright day, she went out to do what she knew best to do. As she saw Eliezer with camels, she ran to the well and fetch water for him and the camels [Genesis 24:20]. This one act of generosity and great kindness coupled with her humility in serving earned her a ticket to inherit Abraham’s blessings and riches.

When young people scout out for brides some do not know exactly what they want; while others have no clue which direction they should go and what to look for. Some depend on the winds of fashion, physical attraction and of course, sexual satisfaction. This could answer to why one young female is preferred or chosen among her mates. You may have a lady with good credentials and wonderful disposition but she’s not marriageable. She can boast of dating great stars but none is ready to offer her a ticket to become a wife. It’s one thing to be lucky to hook a spouse but another to uphold and maintain the relationship. You may package yourself just like a resume to get a man / a woman or a job but to excel, you must know the import of that job and meet the goals and aspirations of the organization that engaged you.  You may know the job but when you have an attitude or behavioral problems it could result to disharmony in the work place and you could be fired or force to quit. When you engage a wrong staff, no matter how much training you expose the person, there is always a problem. So also is with a spouse.

Leaders look for can do spirit, humble people who serve willingly and ready to go extra mile. They also have bigger picture of the goals yet do not miss details. A man want for wife, a woman with inward strength, who will willingly support her man and ready to go extra mile to see that they succeed. One who sees a bigger picture of what marriage is about and willing to persevere to make it work. Her attitude is not pretence but true and straight. Her love is transparent and noticeable everywhere she is; however it must start from inside out, exhibited in a most friendly manner. In that day, one act of kindness changed Rebakah’s whole life for good. The God of heaven decided to remember her. She was at the right place, at the right time and did the right thing. You may not realize it, but your attitude and behavior determines your future. In this congested market, people device ways to eliminate the fake or never do well and the pretenders; pick the gem and lads.

Prophet John Chinedu teaching during a 21 day fasting and prayer meeting at Hour of Liberation Ministries, in Houston once said, “If your wife is not your Mary Magdalene, you will surely have problems.” Jesus delivered Mary Magdalene of seven demons and since after then she glued to Him before, during and after His death. Prophet Chinedu also added, “If your husband is not your Moses – the most compassionate leader in Israel and in the scriptures, then you will have headaches. Wives need husbands who are ready and willing to die for them, just like Christ died for the Church but there is a price to pay……

Rebakah was God’s favor; she was a wonderful woman and great wife; respectful to her husband and raised her children in the fear of God. However as a human being she was not perfect. She favored one child over the other and this caused untold disagreement and conflict between the two brothers. Those who work hard will prosper [Proverbs 13:4]. This brought to mind the washing of feet that Jesus bathed His disciples [John13:5ff]. Jesus humbled Himself, took the position of a servant and served His followers dutifully. Washing of feet was a mean job for people of low cedar. In some cultures, slaves performed this function. But Christ did it to demonstrate the quality of leadership His disciples must possess. Jesus was the only leader who served and died for His subjects. In our world, the slaves and commoners serve the king; go to war to defend and die for the king and His kingdom. But Jesus went to the cross to pay the price of our sin that mankind could not pay. He became the Lamb of God that took away the sins of the world. Brethren, a serving and helpful spirit is what we need in our lives, in marriages, in our professions and communities as well as our nations. Leaders look out for those who have a serving spirit and are willing to go extra mile. A helpmate spirit is the wife’s spirit and the selfish spirit is the knife’s spirit.

In ‘The world for you today’ Pastors Kerry and Faith Wood writing on ‘Make effort to show kindness’ narrated this story: “Before William McKinley became President of the United States, he was riding to his congressional office one morning on a tram. A sick woman got on and unable to find a seat, clutched all overhead strap next to one of McKinley’s political collogues. Pathetically this collogue hid behind his newspaper to avoid offering her his seat. Immediately McKinley rose, gave her his seat and took her place in the aisle. Years later when he was President, this collogue was recommended for the position of ambassador but McKinley turn it down. He said, ‘If his kindness is of the quality he showed that morning on the tram, I fear what he might do representing us in a foreign land’  The disappointed congressman never did learn why McKinley preferred someone else for the job.” Couples should serve each other selflessly and diligently. It will be out of place for a me-first person to go into marriage; it is a sharing institution where two people are determined to share their life together.

Reach: Ogbonnaya, Godswill at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com OR P.O. Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272.

Part 4

Relationship, the core to marriage success or failure

             Relationship in marriage rests on intimacy, mutual respect and willingness to accept spouse differences. In relationship, couples enjoy love, being with one another and accommodating their differences. They feel concern, combat and spew out whatever attempts to come in between them or spoil their joy. They seek after things that would create, infuse and provoke more acceptance, joyfulness and intimacy amongst them; try not to waste precious time on issues that would never go away. Instead they find ways to celebrate and appreciate their lives together; dwell on the things that unite them. Daily they yield to God in worship and to each other in commitment. They renew their vows and determination to sustain the relationship and accept the challenges to make this difficult task/journey workable.  Some married couples show no respect and pay no attention to what happen to their spouse. They cleave together but are still two persons [flesh]. Even though they are married, their relationship has not grown positively or no longer exists. Surprisingly, relationship is the core to marriage success or failure.

              It’s not strange that people take important things common only to cry had I known when they loose them. “We live life forward and learn from it backward.” We learnt from the story of biblical Adam and Eve the ills of relationship taken for granted. Adam and Eve had enjoyed wholesomely God’s presence, God’s love and relationship to the extent that they took it common. The woman consequently took her husband’s authority and love for granted and it no longer deserved the honor and respects it worth. Eve turned her focus and attention to the serpent and started listening to its lies. What you listen to influence and affect your life and behavior. The more she listened to the serpent the more she believed his deceit and the less of God’s truth she believed as well as her husband’s. The element of doubt set in, grew deep and held strong roots. It was not long, she decided to try out serpent’s lies. The result is common knowledge. Both took their focus off from God and placed it on the serpent; took God’s love for granted. God loved them unconditionally and provided all their needs. He was always there with his glorious presence and shared His love with them. In their eyes, He became common even though he is still God.

           Today some Christians take God’s love and grace for granted. They may not have a healthy relationship with Christ and care little about it. They believe God is always present and loves unconditionally. He paid for their sins through the dead of His Son, Christ Jesus on the cross of shame. He’s therefore sufficient in mercies and grace. They became religious and lived in wrong doings. The scripture ask: shall we continue in wrong doings so grace may abound, the answer is not no or I think not but: God forbid. Today in this odd world, we have more religion but less Christianity, plan more but accomplish less, work two jobs but have less healthy family and have higher knowledge/learning but lower morals. We talk about Church functions and religious activities but none helps one another or wear the sign post of Christ. We pretend in Church and public outings but our inner character is in a mess. We may have conquered the world space but our inner space is in slavery. We celebrate and commemorate our wedding dates but have lost the relationship. We keep records of wrong doings and have no remembrance of God’s love and mercies. Some are born again but stagnant; such people take their Christianity common leaving non-Christians to believe that Christianity is a weak faith. That is far from right.

            Most marriage relationships are on trial and taken for granted. Even when the relationship has deceased, they live like cotenants but neither separated nor divorced because of attempts to protect their lost prestige, fear of what people say, financial coexistence and perhaps the children. When you ask them about their relationship, they enumerate the bills they pay, how many jobs they do and the provision for children. As good as these gestures are it’s much but nothing when the relationship is fade. When the relationship has lost it taste or consciously not cared for and undernourished, whatever follows is artificial and meaningless; at best cheerful deceit. As many as take their relationship for granted have shifted focus to other things/ people. There’s no empty space in life; something, somewhere occupies their mind. It could happen unawares and continue to roam their thoughts and rules their lives. The truth remains that nothing replaces one’s spouse, not even the children or other friends and acquaintances.

         What suddenly happened to this amazing couple who had great passion towards each other during their courtship and in early time of marriage? They never slept or parted without emotional kisses; waited for one another at the car parks and always walked into church auditorium and shopping malls holding hands together. They picked one another to films, beaches, eat outs and fellowships; were full of surprises at one another including exchange of gifts. Why the sudden complains that the other asks for more attention than one can afford. Why don’t they walk hand in hand, cuddling and smiling as they did in the past? These days they work lonely together; no more smiles and chatting in the car and strolling down the street. They hardly spend quality time together. I can’t believe they sleep in different rooms and have lost interest in romance. It appears the intimacy is gone and couples withdrawn to their little corners.

       John Gottman, Julie Gottman and Joan Declaire writing from ‘10 lessons to transform your marriage’ in Readers Digest of June, 2006, stated two truths about happy marriages:[i]Happy married couples behave like good friends. Their relationships are characterized by respect, affection and empathy; they pay close attention to what happens in each others lives.[ii]Happily married couple handle conflicts in gentle positive ways. They recognize some conflicts are inevitable but they don’t get gridlocked in separate positions. Instead they keep talking, listen respectfully to each other and finding compromises that work for both of them. For this reason they opined that “every marriage has perpetual issues – conflicts based on personality that never go away.” How we accommodate these differences [if not over bearing], and tolerate flaws in behaviors determines success or failure in our marriage relationship.

        When relationship is taken for granted, it start loosing its vitality and begin to rot. If left unredeemed and salvaged, it gets beyond repairable condition and become stinky; the outsiders whom they tried to hide the rot from initially would smell it and get attracted to it. The children would observe their parents show no respect for themselves in speeches and actions, so they play games. When this happens the tendency especially among weak parents is try to buy the children’s love with gifts which is also artificial. If they cared much for the children they would’ve kept the relationship by exercising mutual respect. Don’t forget that before the children were couples and after the children they shall be if the relationship survives. Again, a strong relationship breeds healthy family and children. Couples in dwindling relationship leave home in the morning and return next day [working two jobs] without talking /calling one another. They may call their friends, acquaintances and perhaps children; chat with other people and enjoy their jokes and advices but not their spouses. However sharing feelings and needs together is crucial means of communication that strengthens the relationship. Again marriages need affective communication in order to thrive. “Talking to each other during the day keeps you connected and allows you to share your ups and downs.” Marriage therapists have found that couples can live in harmony and peaceful with perpetual issues as long as they talk about them in an open productive ways.

         Most couples claim they love themselves but exhibit behaviors that portray the opposite. You can not love or submit to one another without first respecting each other. This lapse is the reason most discussions end in conflict and big time quarrels even to the surprise of the couples. They might’ve noticed the misfortune but instead of trying to discuss them, they begin to distance each other. Alienation has never solved problems for couples but worsen them. That cannot keep the conflict away. You will observe the couples behave carelessly or nonchalantly to the other. It simply signifies what can you do? Whatever you want to do, do it quick; I do not care. My focus is some where-else. That’s the sum of lack of mutual respect and love. Such relationship is sick and need help. Unknown to them they could be under Satanic attack of Spiritual household wickedness, seeds of marital failures from ancestral trees of evil inheritance, inherited curses of law upon the families of origins affecting their marriage or forms of bondage peculiar to people from their family lineage. It could be powers or Spirits assigned to destroy their marriage, finance and prosperity, out of hatred, jealousy and mere wickedness. On the other hand one of them could be engaged in evil Spiritual marriage. Something is not going right. These Spirits provoke them to just hate themselves not knowing the reasons. Everything about the couples bugs the other. They squabble, bicker and fight all the time and are not in the life of the other. They hardly touch one another. That’s weird, isn’t it? They may accuse other people /vices of causing their problem but not knowing the cause is in them. Some of them do not believe in demons and reluctance to seek deliverance. We do not war with the flesh; our weapons of warfare are not carnal but Spiritual that destroys enemy’s strongholds. [2 Cor.10:3-4].This is beyond mere saying. Spiritual victories result from Spiritual warfare.

No matter what has put you down, hold your confession strong and dare not fear the devil because Jesus is present to raise you up; had through his death on the cross defeated the common foe called Satan. By the testimony of our mouth and pleading the blood of Jesus we overcome and conquer Satan [Rev.12:11]. We need not be afraid of Satan and legions of demons because He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world. Again God has made a way of escape in the powerful name of Jesus. The scriptures alert us that Satan and his demons are now awaiting final crush by Jesus the king of glory. No matter what the bondages you are being held Jesus looses every chain of the enemies and set you free. He can also redeem your marriage and set you on better footing.

 The Gracia-Prats and Claire Cassidy writing on Good families don’t just happen said, “Good communication requires practice, constant efforts, determined Spirit, understanding and trust. Sharing your time and your heart with your spouse is what matters in the long run, not dozen of roses or meaningless gifts/dinner” Many couples are just husbands and wives but not friends or best friends. Is your spouse your best friend? Little wonder one crazy young man said, ‘marriage kills love.’ That is why minor issues are easily blown up. Being friends and laughing together are integral part of  marriage relationship. Some couples are so tensed up against each other that there’s no room for minor jokes. Many spend better time at work and just come home when they shall not meet the other. Asked when last you eat together, showered or even watched television together and prayed together? Their answers may surprise you. They are quick to take out work and financial stress on their spouses. Some in the midst of all this ‘silence war’ behave as if they don’t care – it does not matter and living as if that alternative is sure and better. The truth is when a person shifts his/her focus from his/her spouse onto other things or person he/she feel some sense of infatuation and near security; but it’s all fake and unsure. Again you may have been praying for God to heal your marriage and none of the couples work towards making it happens; then there’s no vessel for God to use. You can deceive yourself and the world around you for a time but not always; God knows the truth.

           Sometime it’s better for the couples to exercise time-out awhile to see whether they still need each other. This is also an interval to seek help if they need one. You may spend time in prayers and fasting but there is mountains of unforgivenesses and strong won’t standing tall against your answers. You could spend time and resources trying to fix an irreparable dead junk in vain. It may do you well allowing sleeping dog lie. If you take your relationship for granted don’t be surprised when it collapse; nobody shall help you fix it. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. In most divorce/ separation incidences, the remote cause is always taking your relationship for granted. The second is behaving as if one doesn’t care anymore or it does not matter when in actual sense it still means a great lot to you. Pastor Jakes in one of his classic sermon said, if he/she wants to walk away, let him/her do it for nothing just happen. Charles Kingsley said “There are two freedoms – the false, where one is free to do what he/she likes; the true where he/she is free to do what he/she ought.”

             Keith A blow, MD, writing on Good marriage, bad patch in Good Housekeeping, July 2006, said, ’Turmoil in a marriage can be the start of new phase….rather than the beginning of the end. Nearly every married couple runs into a bad patch sooner or later. The life of a relationship unfolds as they live lives as individuals….’ Every good marriage is built on true love. Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians describes the great qualities of this true love. “………love is patient, love is kind…..is not self-seeking…keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth…..” [1 Cor.13:4-7]. For this reason Rabbi Julius Gordon admonished, ‘Love is not blind, it see more not less but because it sees more , it’s willing to see less.’

            We should quit enduring our marriages and start enjoying them. If an automobile develops a fault, it’s commendable to take it to the manufacturers/dealers. They usual trace and fix the faults. God is the sole designer/creator of marriage and can fix all the problems. Take your marriage to God and leave it there. It may surprise you that what the road-side mechanic have been trying to fix by trial and error, the manufacturers would trace and fix without much to do.

 In our era, some manufacturers have recalled equipments – cars, computers etc they dictated some faults in them. In marriage God does not make mistakes; He’s perfect in all his ways and his creation. Even in the first marriage between Adam and Eve, the fault was not God’s. The couple chose the devil’s deceit to God’s instruction.  Couples might’ve chosen body appearances, financial gains, education and wealthy family background than fear of God and character. Even then God still visited them, covered their nakedness and redeemed them, giving them new lease of life. He sent his only begotten son as their Savor and Redeemer in whom we have eternal life and enjoys our lives. God has not changed. He’s able to redeem our marriages and give us new phase, more enjoyable and meaningful than all our years of trying to fix it ourselves. The God, who turned water into wine in Cana, can turn your relationship for better. Psalm of David says, ‘He allowed us to pass through water and fire and now he brings us to a better place.’[Psalm 66:12]. This could be your testimony.

Evangelist Ogbonnaya could be reached by Email:gkapin53@yahoo.com

BIBLICAL VIEW OF CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE AND MONEY   [Part i]

Preface: This presentation shall attempt to briefly define Christian marriage from biblical viewpoint, examine the responsibility of couples in handling material things particular money and the havoc inappropriate handling of money could cause marital peace and harmony. It shall also look into money pitfalls in marriage and how to avoid them. Finally it shall consider the strategic roles money plays in marriage – how couples should use money as God designed it to work for them to bring about marital harmony, collective progress and achievements.

What’s Christian marriage?

A Christian marriage is a union between two persons [male and female] whereby they vow to be committed to sharing life together. God designed and instituted it for companionship, multiplication, fruitfulness and nurturing life together.

Let us briefly peruse this passage: Gen. 2:18-25 and highlight salient truths:

Vs 18- God said it‘s not good for man to be alone. He created a companion, helpmate suitable for his need. Then Proverbs 18:22 added, ‘He who finds a wife finds a good thing and favor from the Lord.’

Vs 21-22.God then chose [not picked] one rib out of man, made the rib into a woman and brought her to the man. The first marriage was a relationship of two people who had lived as one and later married again into one – a unit or couple.

Vs 23. Man excitingly acknowledged his missing rib and named her woman, because she came from him[not woo to man].

Vs 25. They were both naked but never embarrassed and ashamed. They were transparent and had no hiding place or act.

  A i. What Christian marriage is not? I. It‘s a mistake of God’s intent or biblical position to address marriage as partnership. In partnership, two people do business together with their identity and personality distinct; are individually legally responsible. Two people cleaved together and became one in Christian marriage in marriage.

2. In partnership exit plan are in place right from the start. In marriage two cleave, glue together and only death do them part. Divorce is man’s made and not God’s plan. Moses concession to the pressure of the Israelites was because of human selfishness, hardness of heart and unforgiveness.

3. In partnership profit and loss are shared individually but marriage share their gain and loss collectively. Married couples should pool their money together and be jointly responsible for their bills and each other’s debts.

        B. Highlights of basic principles of Christian marriage:

[i] When two people decide to marry, they must be prepared to assume responsibilities of each other; the opposite complement the other to perform tasks, harmonizing self to ensure collective growth, progress and achievement.

[ii] Be ready and willing to share in each other joys, burdens and predicaments.

[iii] The bible says you can have both God and money but you cannot serve both. When you serve God He shall cause money to serve you.

[iv] Drop every aspect of me-first mentality and selfishness. Deliberately choose to be naked or open to your spouse in communication, values, goal setting, and accomplishments as well as in every thing.

[v] Agree on mutual submission and choose to respect each other’s opinion and accept differences. For example: Men and women are different in how they view money and related matters. Generally, men are physical while women are emotional; men are functional while women are more relational.

C. Money and relationship:

Literally, money is a legal tender for exchange of goods and services. It’s any stamped piece of metal or any paper notes, authorized by a government as a means of exchange and store of value. An author said, “if sex is the impulsive marriage assassin, money is the killer that slowly strangles.” No pressure on couples and family today exceeds money pressure.’ Money is intoxicating and capable of enslaving people. It will work you till you die. It possess the power to rule our lives, not for good and forever as Christ; but to lure us like a moth, too close to the flame until finally our wings are set ablaze. Money could promote pride, greed and selfishness.

Money is not just a temptation for a moment of carnal pleasure; it’s a temptation for us to be conquered by an inert, mindless master, one incapable of saving us from sin or satisfying the deep hunger of our soul for true peace, meaning and purpose. ‘Money is morally neutral just like a handgun. Put a pistol in the hand of a policeman and it’s a tool of justice but in the hand of a criminal, it’s an instrument of evil.’ Money is simply a commodity, an inert means to other ends but what we do with money brings problems. We need money to meet our family needs; money is a real need whether one is rich or poor. Everybody needs money and we never get enough. More money brings more responsibilities [Eccl.5:11].Four [4] means through which we get money are:

* We exchange our labor for it.                    * We hire others and earn profit on their labor.

* We take risks calculated to earn money.   * We lend it to others.

Money represents power in relationship because money is wealth and God gave us power to get wealth [Due. 8:18]. Money answers everything [Eccl. 10:19]. Money is a defense [Prov. 7:12]. The power money brings can be a wonderful asset in marriage if used wisely or causes abuse and conflicts if handled foolishly. So money does whatever we put it in use to do.

Marriage is a relationship between two persons [male and female-not same sex] from two different families linkages. Each family has its own history of money matters – how incomes come in, are spent and saved, if at all; who pay the bills and run bank account[s] and how decisions are reached. Mary Hunt writing on Debt-proof your marriage said, ‘the way your parents handled money during your childhood may have a lot to do with the way you think about money today.’ People’s beliefs about money are learnt in their families of origin as they grew up and affect their concepts and approach to money matters when they get married. Money management at home is not a core school subject so it’s learned by observation or emulation. If you came from a loving home where money was handled behind closed doors you may not know or seen who pay bills or bring more money home. Surprisingly, you never heard any complained yet your mum cooked great meals, kept clean and spotless house and had great respect for your father. As you grew up and get married, you never actually thought about how money matters would be sorted out in your marriage. It could even be that your mum did not work or worked for convenience or even own a home-based business but with your father meager income they were happy couples and raised wonderful family. Today, you and your wife work two jobs each and earn higher income yet you cannot make ends meet; quarrel over money and bills settlement than any other matters. Most times the way their current family [marriage] deals with money may differ from the family of birth. This could pose some teething problems if not handled discreetly and in wisdom create a huge matter.

It was neither our custom in Africa nor were we occasioned by our circumstances to discuss money matters with our spouse during courtship or early in our married life. To initiate such discussion could have been considered a taboo or bad omen for the marriage. If the woman should probe much into her husband’s finances, the man may think she was after his life and that could end the relationship. The husband and even the wife’s income handled money matters, if she earned any. So most people were reluctant to raise or discuss money issues and wealth during courtships [if they had one] and in early years of marriage. This failure has constituted unexplainable problems especially as they move to America that operates different culture and way of life. Some cease the opportunity of the new environment [new found freedom] to make mountain out of molehills especially where the wives bring home more bacon. Even when discussed some had developed unforeseeable uprisings that affected initial plans.

 Such issues include: * Change of status in life    * Extended family demands    * Societal expectations  * Individual crazy spending habits – shopping spree   * Loss of job or in ability to get befitting job by one’s spouse. * Payment of bills   * operating separate accounts  * Inability to harmonize diverse interest of spouses  * Trying to emulate the manner family of origin or friends handled money matters etc.

However, the truth about money and relationship reveals if couples could agree on four [4] things before marriage, they will have higher probability of success and harmony.

There are: [a] religion,  [b] in – laws,  [c] parenting and  [d] money. These are very important because men and women are different in how they view money. Men tend to take more risk and may not save for emergencies – money is scorecard, while women see money as security matter to accommodate their fear for rainy day or otherwise. Again opposite attracts – One of the couples could be good in keeping figures while the other a free Spirit. This affects the way they see or spend money. Money is either the best or the worst area of communication in marriage. Financial counselors advise that money and money fights are number one cause of separation and divorce. Couples should discuss all finances, work the budget together, and settle expenses. When they agree, who pay the bills is irrelevant.

Money Influence on marital harmony   [Part ii]

D. Money and marital harmony:

The bible says, ‘the love of money is the root of all evil’ [1 Tim.6: 10]. It does not say money is evil but the love of money above God, human beings including your spouse is evil. Money answers everything. It’s what you choose to do with money that makes it good or bad. We can tell what they are by what they do [Matt. 7:16]. We are called to look out for one another’s interest, not just our own [Phil 2:4]. Selfishness towards our spouse is a sin that blocks our fellowship with God and keeps our prayers from being answered [1 Peter 3:7; Proverbs 28:9]. Jesus sums up the problem of money, “no one can serve two masters. You cannot serve both God and money [Matt.6: 24], just as you can’t serve your spouse and money. Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income [Eccl.5: 10]. When Jesus is your master, money serves you but if money is your master you become its slave. Wealth is no sin but failing to use it for Gods glory is. God uses money to test our faithfulness as a servant. How we manage our money affects how much God can bless our lives. If we have not been trust worthy in handling worldly wealth who will trust us with true riches? [Luke 16: 11].

 Pastor T D Jakes said in marriage two persons cleave together and become a unit, a couple in flesh, Spirit and soul; working together, surviving together and striving together. These two vowed in the name of God and before great crowd of witnesses [angels in heaven and men on earth] to be together [in joy and in sorrow] till death separate them.

God command wives to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord and husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. The opposite of submit is resist while the opposite of love is hate. Patrick Morley writing on Man on the mirror opined, ‘most women in our contemporary society take exception to the concept of submission. The goal of this instruction is not to reduce women to servants or doormats but to provide an authority structure in marriage.’ Many couples eat together, sleep together, have children together but are divided in money matters, because of the love of money above each other and above God. The result is that they live lonely together like roommates than couples. ‘Their social and sexual needs are met but intimacy as friends never developed.’ It’s impossible to yield [submit/love] to one another unless you respect him/her. You could be forced to obey someone but not to respect him/her. It’s a disobedience to God commandment to disrespect each other [Eph. 5:21; Col.3: 18,19]. If there’s mutual submission to God by couples how an intangible thing like money can or who earns more separate couples; cause quarrels, disagreements and fights. Does it matter who earns more? Why should that affect decision making or spending? If Adam was sufficient alone, God couldn’t have made Eve. If one spouse brings home more bacon than the other, should the financial imbalance present potential source of conflict between spouses? Their children can tell who makes more or bring more money home, pay their bills and provide for their needs. What a shame?

In my opinion, moneys made by either husband and/or wife are for the family. Every family should use it judiciously to meet their needs. It’s a blessing from God. Every family has a head. As the man is the head of the family, the woman is the neck without which the head would not turn. When money becomes a priority one person begins to neglect the other and that create conflicts and emotional separation. When your spouse is not your main focus you begin to neglect your duties to him/her. When Eve took her eyes off her head-Adam and started listening more to the serpent, she believed the deceiver than God. She took her marriage for granted. The outcome was lust and produced sin that led to Spiritual death.

Again the book of Proverbs 31 expounds the qualities of a virtuous woman. She is hard to find, worth more than jewels. Her husband put his confidence in her and she never disappointed him, she does good and never harm. She work hard to bring food home and get up early to prepare food for the family; she’s a brilliant, strong and industrious, always busy looking for the family needs. Her children appreciate her and husband praises her saying many women are good wives but you are the best. This woman is exceptional, respect and submits to her husband just unto the Lord. She put on the apron of humility to serve her husband and household [1 Pt 5:5].

The scripture teaches us three [3] perspectives of money and prosperity as follows:

[i] Poverty Theology: Those who believe in this perspective are disgusted with worldliness. They are non materialistic and believes possessions are curse and reject materialism in any and every form [Luke 18:18-22].

[ii] Prosperity Theology: These disciples believe that prosperity is the reward of the righteous. They live consumption lifestyles; believe you have not because you have not asked. Explain the lack of others as lack of faith. They learned and teach tithing and experiencing material blessings. Wealth to them is a right from God. You have to give to receive[ 2Cor.9:6-8].

[iii] Stewardship Theology:  Stewards believe God owns and control everything. Possessions are privileges and not rights. They concede that possession is a trust given in varying proportions. It comes from faithfully administrating of talents as given by God in His sole discretion.

While prosperity gospel holds no water because it claims you must give to receive in disregards of your motives whether you are living in sin or obtain the wealth in obscure manner. Poverty theology is equally full of holes. People in it think they must be poor to be humble. These appear mistaken. Being a steward is more of an attitude and a means of looking at life as a caretaker. It considers our own interest and that of others and upholds a better balance of God’s word. A gospel writer opined that when you host a dinner party, the preparations, clean ups and service are as important as enjoying your friends company and meal. It includes both work and reward. The blessings of the Lord bring wealth, and he adds no sorrow or trouble to it [Prov.10: 22].

As Christians – be husbands or wives, we are stewards of God’s gifts. Whatever you do in the family you are a servant, administering God’s gifts and God is the Master and Judge. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus [Phil.2: 5]. A wife is a gift from God and in His eyes and design man and woman are as one [Gen. 2: 24]. Our children depend on us for their needs in the same way we look up to our Heavenly Father for ours. Every healthy family flows from a joyful couple and are blessings to the Church, for they shall together become good stewards in the house of God and become lights not only to their children, Church family but their world. They shall be faithful servants of the Lord in their homes and communities. If you weigh your services, how would God receive you – well done good and faithful servant or sorry, I don’t know you. Rick Warren in The purpose driven life said, most people fail to realize that money is both a test and a trust from God. You can’t hate your spouse and claim to love the Lord. It does not matter how often you lift up your hands in praise. God loved and gave His all [Jn 3:16]. God tests our marriage vows; how we treat our spouse, respect their feelings and opinions, accommodate their differences and treat their silences.

Conclusion. I recommend as follows:

1.Couples should understand their natural tendencies and appreciate their differences. Be open to each other in all things; discuss the issue of money and how it should be handled.

2.Be honest with each other about specific desires and priorities. Together you should define and develop your peculiar lifestyle that may be different from those of your parents, friends and relatives. The approach that worked for your parents may not work for your marriage.

3. If you could do it, joint account is the best. If not share responsibilities according to your income and leave some balance for personal expenses like gas, lunch at work, sanitary items etc Married couples should pool their moneys rather than have separate accounts. All incomes belong jointly to both couple and should be use for the family

4. Learn how to manage money wisely. It gives you both a sense of control and security that is imperative to building a solid future as couple.

5. Disagreement are inevitable when it comes to financial commitments to each other but be able to discuss your differences openly and settle them fairly. Money is intertwined with trust in a relationship, so the more you can talk about money the better the relationship.

It’s pertinent that most people go to work to enable them provide for the family but some loose balance along line between task and relationship. Unfortunately the society we live in acknowledges financial achievements as measure of success higher than people and relationship. Little wonder most people succeed at work and fail at home and in life. However no amount of success at work can compensate for failure at home. It does not really matter how much each couple makes or bring home, the whole money belongs to the family and should be spent jointly judiciously and diligently to meet that need. For this to be achieved, a healthy communication pattern around money matters should be an on going process. This builds security in your relationship and harness closeness and healthy relationship and home.

Patrick Morley writing on ‘man on the mirror’ opined that most men may not be unhappy with their marriage but don’t really enjoy their wives. They have wives but not best friends. In their relationship, there exist fears, anxieties and insecurities. Couples should submit to each other, delegate functions but share responsibilities; express opinion on all matters especially money matters.  If you do not trust your spouse on money matters you can’t trust him/her for nothing. Let money build your home than wreck it.

Email:gkapin53@yahoo.com can reach Evangelist Ogbonnaya G.

[Extracts of Talk presented by Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill at  Marriage Seminar 2005  on November,13 held at Temple Rebuilders Ministries,Inc  Houston ,Texas, USA]

FORGIVENESS- A HALLMARK OF WELLNESS

      Forgiveness is a crucial topic in Christian life. we define ‘forgiveness’ as cease to feel resentment, pardon and excuse; refuse to hold onto the past; to cancel debts, to release grievances, prejudices, recrimination, and blame as well as to reconcile. Wellness’ enjoys reawakening in its importance in this age and time; every emerging day it becomes more diverse meaningfully, such that many care-givers and healthcare professionals have dabbled into offering services in this area. Most times wellness relates to eating well, looking well, living well and engaging in regular physical exercises or fitness. The media realizing that people increasingly desire to look good and feel well help to publicize its sentiments as well as promote the venture.

        Our world appears to have resigned the provision of healthcare [or better put illness care] to medical professionals who by their training care for our illnesses and prevention of illnesses. Beyond these, we expect them to play God and fix every health problem. These aspirations are not met because they’re simply human and not God. When these realities occur we pursue lawsuits and other forms of remedies because of our dependence on their care and the huge sum of money expended on these services especially if clients have health insurance coverage. Regrettably we accept medical treatments as the only visible option or only way of dealing with illnesses. Many have bluntly refused to give other alternatives a chance even when our medical services evolve high tech, are expensive and sometimes fail us; we get stuck there not minding the risk and inadequacy. In effect, we have granted our healthcare practitioners the express permission to be responsible for our lives and the right to determine what our minds and bodies need. Before healthcare exists God’s healing power that leaves no side effect.

          John W. Travis and Regina Sara Ryan, joint authors of Wellness workbook opined that, ‘As a society we have given up our personal power in many ways: to the teachers in our schools, we give the responsibility to telling us what we need to learn, when and how to learn it; to professional mechanics – the decisions about the up keep of our automobiles; to our professional politicians – the right to use our money and direct the military power of our country.’ Also in Spiritual things, we’ve trusted our pastors ‘the holy ones’ to tell us what God demands. It’s wise and expedient to depend on other people for our needs and to entrust with trained professionals handling of issues they have expertise in. The bad news for example is that our teachers at schools teach our children idolatry – the plurality and equality of all gods; that public expression of their faith is insensitive; sex education or lack of it, whereas teen pregnancies and incidence of venereal diseases increase and persist with general lack of reverence for their bodies.

          We should examine the Pastors we trust our spiritual lives to; some are mere professionals, their qualifications are depended on College theological degrees; some homosexuals while others are traditionalist. Some have neither heart for God nor experiential knowledge with Christ and are afraid of the power of the Holy Spirit. Surprisingly Jesus was filled with the Holy Spirit and only with His indwelling, inspiring and infusing power can we do the work of Christ. This brings to mind a Sunday bible class joke. The class was reflecting on faith in God and the teacher asked, ‘should an incident occurs that is life threatening, God or 911 who should we call first? 95 % subscribed to 911. They argued God is believed to be present always and already aware of the problem. They needed medical services for immediate care. The truth is that the Spiritual determines the physical and God is not only omnipresent, but also omnipotent and omniscience.

        Most medical professionals profess that “We care but God heals.” Even though some healthcare providers do not believe in biblical God, they offer services on God’s created beings. The earth and heavens and all that exist therein testify to the existence of God Almighty – the Creator of the universe, the Lord of all the earth. The scriptures reveal this great God to us through the power of the Holy Spirit in things we do and fail to do, see but do not understand. In our interaction with Him and one another [fellow human beings], we exhibit our flaws of imperfection – by mere omission or commission. Some are in areas of our weaknesses; we burden ourselves with guilt’s, blames, shame and feel unworthy. These flaws keep bothering us and leave feelings of inadequacies and regrets. Yet these feelings solve no problems but create worries, depression, anxieties and hopelessness.

         The truth is that ‘we sin because we are sinners.’ The scriptures reveal that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. The good news is that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. Not by our works or services or feeling guilty or shame. We are saved by grace through faith. It implies that we are forgiven, redeemed by God and the blood of Jesus sanctifies us. God had fore-planned ways of escape through the life, death and resurrection of His beloved Son. But disheartening, most times we asked God for forgiveness and refused to accept His pardon or forgive others. We keep recalling, blaming, mourning over our sins again and again after God has forgiven and erase them. Funny enough while we recall them, God remembers them no more.

The bible teaches that all powers belong to God. When we accept Jesus as Lord and Savior, He grants us His power to live an enduring, fruitful life. Little wonder Jesus said, ‘I came that you may have life and have it abundantly.’ Apostle Paul testifies, “God has not given us the Spirit of fear and intimidation but of love, courage and sound mind.” The Spirit of sound mind give us the power to make right judgment,  right decision , obey God’s commandment and hold unto what is right and proper even when others feel otherwise. His Spirit grant us the power of forgiveness and reconciliation; love, seek peace and mutual submission. It’s the power of His Spirit that does what human beings thinks it’s impossible as well as what medical sciences fail to achieve. God’s Spirit gives us power to abide continuously in Him and reveals the mind of God as well as the mystery of God. His power heals without side effects

PART II

Forgiveness includes the willingness to look below the surface of behaviors or feelings. Forgiveness may take some processes; some grief, some letting go; acceptance of the loving grace of God in us. We should be willing to accept things the way they are. God paid for our debts – the price of our sinfulness; no more collection agents calling, mailing and threatening to summon us to court.

Our past has become part of our history and will not change. No one is rich enough to pay for his/her past. Therefore let go; put them behind us and press forward towards the future. Forgiveness is neither a feeling nor suggests that our memories are erased; it’s a deliberate decision to obey God’s instructions. However to forgive ‘oneself’ or others often promotes relaxation in the body and peace of mind. This harmony is the essence of healing and the heart of wellness.  We may not feel immediately any difference after forgiving ourselves or somebody-else but gradually we begin to regain our peace, the assurance of God’s grace and mercies in Christ and the fulfillment of His promise. Forgiveness brings along freedom; that’s why Jesus said on the cross, ‘It’s finished.’

If God could pay a bigger price with the life of His Son- Jesus the Christ, I wonder what difference our grief’s, sorrows and shame would make. In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus taught, ‘forgive us our debt as we forgive others’. He simply implies forgive so as to be forgiven. If we need peace of mind, forgiveness should weigh large spot in our hearts and occupies our mind. It evidences love of our body, our emotions, our intelligence and Spiritual being. As all things in the universe are connected so also is the body. As forgiveness releases pains in one area of the body, it brings relief and healing to the whole body. We must learn to accept the uniqueness [weakness and strength] of each other, understand our differences and forgive our failings or shortcomings.

The Psalmist wrote, ‘if God should mark iniquities Oh Lord who can stand? But there’s forgiveness with God that He may be feared’ [Ps 130:3-4]. In Isaiah 44:22, God revealed, ‘I have swept away your offences like cloud, your sins like morning mist. Return to me for I have redeemed you.’ Apostle Paul affirmed, in Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding[Eph 1:7-8]. More so if we harbor unforgiveness in our hearts the Lord neither will nor hears our prayers [Ps 66:12]. Unforgiveness may be a failure to acknowledge the beauty and strength of who we really are. It breeds anger and hatred; spore up agitation and ill feelings, recall past incidences and may seek revenge. It also raises blood pressure in our systems as well as obstruct prayers; causes disagreements, quarrels, fights and even murder. Unforgiveness is the greatest weapon the devil uses to destroy relationship: be it marriage, friendship, association or fellowship. Unforgiveness is the brain behind accumulation of unresolved issues. The result is not only devastating but leaves us in doubt and wonder. Yet good relationship [including marriage] is a union of two good forgivers. Whenever a believer refuses to forgive or is in strife with someone, it hinders answer to prayers, nurse’s aches and pains from the past which bogged down into grudges, despair, hurts and depression

Forgiveness is a Spiritual exercise. It brings blessings, purification and cleansing, release of burden and attracts God’s mercies and peace of mind; an assurance that a forgiver is forgiven. In turn God will forgive our sins, heals our diseases and redeems our lives from destruction; crown us with loving kindness and tender mercies as well as avail us His grace.  Like Paul we should put past failures behind us and replace thoughts of yesterday’s failings with scriptural promises of the future. God’s mercies are renewed every morning. As we hold God at His word, we can wake up every morning to a brand new world and live life totally unblocked by the past. Kenneth and Gloria Copeland writing on From Faith to Faith [Daily devotion and guide] said, ‘God wants you well. He wants you healthy and strong in every single area of your life; want you spiritually strong in faith, strong in the word, strong in redemption and strong in the love of God…………..your body to be well and free from the bondage of pain, sickness and care; free from worries and woes of earthly life.’ Our Heavenly Father wants us well; to live in victory and healing so that we shall experience not only new life but also teach others God’s way – forgiveness, the hallmark of wellness.

Part 5

The place of traditional marriage

           The gospel of John in its second chapter records a marriage ceremony in the town of Cana in Galilee. The scenario presented in this passage depicts a traditional marriage ceremony. Some clergies use the text of this passage in exultation during wedding ceremonies. Does that suggest the Cana ceremony was a wedding and not traditional marriage? Some people are only excited with Jesus’ first public miracle- the turning of water into wine and may not see the main miracle in the passage. The marriage ceremony was the event of the day. Yet they failed to comprehend the spectacular miracle that held two people together to become one. The Daily Bread devotional booklet of October 6, 2005 said, “Marriage not wedding was the real miracle. Anyone can have a wedding but only God can create a marriage. The union of marriage is so strong that two become one flesh. God wants marriage to be the way it was when He first created Eve from Adam.” Some neither thought whether it was a wedding or traditional marriage nor can distinguish between the two. Now what was it?. It couldn’t be a wedding because wedding was not a Jewish Custom and tradition. The Jewish practice is akin to African traditional marriage rites. This setting provides forum for the families and relations of both couples to gather in the brides’ family compound and celebrate their daughter and son entering into a marriage covenant and institution.

         Before this ceremony, the couple got acquainted with each other and agreed to marry; intimated parents and close relations as custom requires. Enquires are instituted by both families concerning the behavior, character and most times religion of the families as well as marital status. The enquiries help ascertain the suitability of the relationship. Some go in-depth to find out whether the intended couples’ parents are married and still living together; not ruling our class distinction. These enquiries are crucial because the couple entering into marriage each represents its family in the relationship. The ceremony opportune members of both families to know one another and familiarized themselves.

        Traditional marriage is a community affair. In this forum the man publicly ask for the woman hand in marriage. If the woman accepts the proposal, the groom’s family presents bride price and associated items to the bride’s parent. When accepted, vows are exchanged and covenant entered. Each covenant has a senior partner and God appointed the man. God created a woman for a man and brought her to him to name. God then enacted a rule, “for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they become one.” This rule was for the man whom God through this event satisfied his loneliness. African traditional marriage requires parent’s knowledge or consent and blessings. Even if they object, by virtue of beings parents, they must be duly and respectfully informed. It’s an honor due to them that recycles to us when we become parents. They shall witness, bless and rejoice for God’s fulfillment and support; encourage them as they pass through new experiences of starting life together.

       During this event, relations and the community witness the presentation of dowry and bride items to the bride’s parent. The dowry and bride items include token money and various gifts. These items show evidence of ownership and when accepted by bride’s father or his representative symbolizes transfer authority of ownership of the bride from the father to the husband. These are  customary gifts [far from being the price for buying a bride] in appreciation of the gift of a bride. On the other hand, presentation of the bride price and bride items demonstrates the man’s capacity to plant a family unit in the community as well as coming of age. As they witnessed their daughter and son make vows of marriage and enters into this God’s designed institution, they joyfully solicit Gods blessings on the new couple, wishing them God’s blessing, increase and fruitfulness.

     The ceremony in Cana is similar to African traditional marriage rites.  Mary – Jesus’ mother was the host of the event and Mary, Jesus and his disciples were duly invited. Little wonder Mary appeared so concerned when the marriage ran out of wine. Again neither the Jewish synagogues nor their temples had a place for wedding.  Some English bibles record this ceremony as wedding because wedding is purely European concept and tradition. They have no reason to impose it on people who already had their marriage rites. The wedding tradition came along with colonization from the inception of Christianity in Africa. It’s no surprised therefore that wedding is usually conducted after couple’s had performed their traditional rites. As a matter of fact, before any Church wedding commences in Africa or of African descent the clergy would ascertain that traditional rites had been fulfilled. If one may ask, would a European [or an American] subject himself to African traditional marriage rites after he has wedded? Your guess is as good as mine. But in the name of ‘Churchanity’ [not Christianity], most Africans appear to regard European wedding superior to our rich African traditional rites. This is neither biblical nor African custom but an aftermath of religion, colonization and perhaps misapplication of the scripture.

          In some African Churches, couples that had performed their traditional marriage rites and live together without wedding are considered fornicators. This appears a misconception. All they need is marriage blessings. Our African Christians after performing marriage rites that the Europeans do not engage in, are subjected to wedding that involves spending of fortune. Most Africans underwent three marriage rites before they could have their wives. After the traditional marriage ceremony, they went for Court Registry ceremony and ended up in Church wedding. Some clergies make the Probate [court] Registry certificate a requirement for Church weddings. These three ceremonies involve fortune and time. Some Church parents of the brides stipulate the three, as if that guaranteed the success of the relationship.

        What is new is the reaffirmation of marriage vows during marriage anniversaries. Even when some fought their ways through years of conflicts, it’s amazing they have some good thing to celebrate. Most couples these days appear in wedding gowns and suits rather than put on our rich traditional costumes. The good news is there’s always the benefit for RSVP – Rice and Stew Very plenty and social interaction. Even though liberated in Christ, the battered syndrome of colonization is still within us. The problem is our refusal to be who God created us to be and not proud of whom we are. We should be reminded that we have it as our responsibility not only to uphold our tradition but also pass it to future generation. Our parents have done their turn; we must pass the baton.  Hopefully by representing marriages to God, there would be a fresh touch of God on relationships and the Holy Spirit shall put the pieces together, making them whole. It takes faith that requires belief in miracle to pledge ones’ life to another. Blessed be the God of all creation for being in the business of creating marriages as well as rebuilding and amending them.

       This author is in no way against wedding for it’s a Church practice. I paid my toll twenty-four years ago. I pray African Christians to re-examine most European concept we give prime place while undermining our rich traditional culture. The good news is that Government has approved some Churches as marriage centers; couples in these Churches have no business going through Court Registry marriages anymore. Africans should evolve reforms that promote our culture and reduce cost that appears to debar most young people from entering into the institution. Marriage is a noble union and institution. We should enjoy it. There’s no substitute for traditional marriage for on its foundation other traditions rest.

Email: gkapin53@yahoo.com can reach Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill.

CONFLICTS AFRICAN MARRIAGES FACE IN WESTERN CULTURE

        African marriage is a communal event. During the glorious ceremony the community and members from both [bride and groom] sides gather to initiate their young ones into marriage institution. The event also signifies coming of age and recognition to plant a family in a community. As the couple enters into this respected group, they have family members from both sides to help out with kids and household chores. If they have problem, they invite elders of their community to intervene and mediate. The elders entreat the man to treat his wife with passion, love and respect while the woman would be admonished to honor and be submissive to her husband. Their aim is to maintain authority in marriage and keep peace at home; conflicts in homes breed untold consequences. Even though they go to Church, many rarely involve Church leaders in their marriage palaver, for fear of loosing their prestige and respect.

          The wife runs the house and sees that the household is well fed, house is clean and children look neat while the man works and provides most of the family financial needs. The man may not be around all the time; the search to keep the family happy could take him far and near.  The man is the family head and highly respected. One may grow up and never saw or heard money matters being discussed. The man is the bread winner; it does not matter if the wife earned more than he does, you never find out. Most women work for their convenience while others do home based businesses. Even though some are professionals and business women they still get to know what goes on at home. Should your mum report to your dad your bad behavior you’re in hot soap; your best bet would be to accept her lesser corrective measures before your dad hears it.

          In advance countries, these norms have disappeared. Life appears different.  One African woman said, “This is the woman’s world, take it or leave it. Here is freedom from men’s dominated lifestyle. Women are independent to pursue their careers without men’s hindrance. Boo, we have the right to do whatever we like.” The laws of the land seem to support them. Over here a great number of women circumstantially contribute significantly to the family upkeep and some bake more bacon than their spouses. They put their mouth where their sweat and money is. In some homes, the women assume leadership and take decisions without consulting their spouses. In others, two captains steer the ship resulting in conflict leadership. The rate of divorce is high and single parent is an acceptable norm.  Domestic violence, homicides, broken hearts and broken homes result from abuses. When two elephants fight the grass suffers. Children raised from conflict homes are insecure, lack love and depressed; make poor grades at school and fraternize with wrong peer groups as well as have problems with the law enforcement.

          In western cultures, marriage is partnership between two persons. A typical western family is a man, wife and child [children and may be dog or cat]. The household chores are divided between man and partner. There are no house-helps; both couples work and get tired as they return home while some even passed to the third job. There’s no extended family. Even when they are privileged to visit, they have no authority or say in the running of the home. The couples are stressed out running errands – picking the kids to and from school for classes, games and extra curriculum activities; helping them do their home works and picking stuffs from stores. In the process they invariably picked on themselves. In this abode marriage is no big deal. Many people cohabitate, have kids and raise them outside marriage. Some say they are happy single and are in control of their lives.

           Femi Awodele says marital conflict is a disease that affects people from every part of the world, whether in Africa, Asia, Europe or America. Whenever two people come together, there is bound to be conflict. It cut across geographical, cultural, economics or Spiritual beliefs. As Africans migrate to Advance world, they face new set of values and conflicts. In European world the roles of men and women differ significantly. Men lead the homes in both cultures but wives in Africa are a bit passive. Western culture recognizes a woman as an equal partner in marriage. Most courts award fifty percent of family value to women in case of divorce, where the women are sit-at-home mums.

          Marriage is a union of two individuals with different personalities and family of origin traits; visions as well as expectations. Each person attempts to entrench into the union great values and lifestyles as well as weaknesses imbibed from their origins. Some lifestyles are inculcated from peers, associations and what appears invoke or culture of new abode. These and more constitute the conflicts and perpetual issues that invade the peace of our homes. Conflicts, crises and daily hassles become part of every marriage relationship. Some conflicts are universal to every union: like money, parenting styles, communication, sex, in-laws, stress, anger and host of others. Others new to African culture include: romance, public expression of affection, communications, etc. Judith Wallerstein in the Good marriage: How and Why love last, opined marriage brings changes…..good marriage have common thread of flexibility – adapting to unexpected changes……and anticipating potholes and detours; these make marriage strong and last.

           Even though marriage is defined as a union between two persons, African marriage is bigger than just two people: parents, grand-parents, children, in-laws, brothers and sisters, nephews and cousins, friends, acquaintances, communities and Church families, crowd of witnesses etc.  Also as we go through conflicts, we should bear in mind that just like temptations are no sins, conflicts are no crises but how we handle them constitute problems or solutions. No matter the changes we face: abode, financial contributions and differences in opinions, equality partnership; these are not sufficient to cost us our marriages. The effects of these nemeses on children are enormous.

           Most Africans migrated to western world thinking once they get here, their problems are over. But the truth is that as they arrive here, they meet new set of values with their associated problems and challenges. For example: The American English and jargons differ from the queens’ English, they learnt in Africa: Trousers are called pants, fuel named gas and the word ‘stuff’ could mean anything. Uninterrupted light and telephone means money to meet the bills and services. Of course it’s better than the epileptic or no power for month’s situation in Obodo. You need food, job, a car to move around and gas money. Crucially you need to regularize your immigration papers less you live in fears and could be bundled back. You need to learn the laws and city rules and limits. For example: In Africa your wife may not deny you sex but here she can and any attempt to have your way is considered an abuse. Here you can abuse your spouse sexually, verbally spiritually and even financially. Be therefore careful and learn to apply the limits and boundaries. Here you may not spank your child or your brother’s children or make noise to disturb their peace. They can call Peace officer on you or the near by neighbors could do same on their state. You can abuse someone by calling names or say something bad and by behavior. Try to keep the disagreement between Mom and Dad to the minimum; not to buck your kids or next door neighbors; they could call 911 on you. Buckle your belt and welcome to the land of the freed.

Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill can be reached by email:gkapin53@yahoo.com

PROBLEMS AFRICAN MARRIAGES FACE IN WESTERN WORLD [Part 2]

Marriage relationship in western culture is purely partnership; man and woman are co-pilots. There are two captains in a ship and no gender supremacy. Each partner brings equal stake, strengths and weaknesses to the union. African culture deals with women differently because they regard them as weaker vessels and mothers of children. Cultural values do not regard women equal to men. A male child has a prime place than their female mates. He’s regarded as heir apparent and possesses greater portion of inheritance in the family. Women are raised to be submissive to men. They take care of children and household chores while the men pursue sources of family upkeep. That was then; in today’s age and in western world things have changed. Should we still keep this statuesque?  These have attracted stain criticism from African women in western world. Our female folks living abroad have enjoyed freedom from men dominated lifestyle and bought into the European approach, ignoring the consequences.

 Surprisingly, most African men abroad have not fully imbibed western approach of co-piloting in marriage. Some still hold tenaciously to the African culture and tradition. Should this be a plus? This issue has been identified as number one remote cause of men insecurity and conflicts in home. Unfortunately in this land of freedom men can not unleash their fury and have lost the support of the community as in Obodo-Africa. Both men and women choose selected scriptures to support their gender prejudices and domineering attitudes. For example: ‘every beast and man was formed from the dust except a woman; God used a man’s rib to make a woman and man named her. God made a man the head and a woman his completion. A woman committed the first sin; after then her desires are subjected to her husband and He rules over her.’ On the other hand, women claim God created man – male and female; man charged to love women unconditionally and both have mutual submission and respect. Man should honor wives as weaker vessels and be courteous to her. These issues appear as bunch of ancient religious stuffs irrelevant to this age and time! Surprisingly we still have these evidences in the bible, being our manufacturer’s manual. African husbands are further accused of sitting on their wives’ progress especially in pursuit of careers; feel threatened by strong and sophisticated women  who are determined to make differences in their fields of studies and achieve success, even when the ladders to their achievements were fetched by their  husbands. These situations cause crises and conflicts at homes; a commonplace in most African marriages in western world.

We have female chauvinists who adopt ‘down with men’ behavior and attitudes. They crack jokes that put down men, dishonor husband and scorn their needs. They treat husbands like children and attempt to control and feel superior to men. Some are quick to discredit their husband’s decisions, dreams and masculinity; cheapened, ridiculed as well as criticized them openly even in front of their children. In attempt to overcompensate themselves over years of male chauvinism in motherland, most women abroad put on overbearing attitudes that degrades them not only before God’s eyes but the Church. How much do Churches care? This group of women pride in activities while the relationship is lost; sadly live as co-tenants with their men and raise holy flags in worship service. Are these injustices against women? Are women not created by the same God as men? They’re born just like men and many among them are intelligent and even more creative than some men. Yet some men contend that all animals are equal but some are more equal than others. Women are more sensitive and better home builders than men. Many are better managers of resources and show emotionally ruggedness. Tired of men’s’ superiority stuff and chauvinism, women dread and call it slavery to submit to any man, abuse to cook for so-called husband, a molestation to yield to men’s sexual advances especially when they feel indifferent. Having children is doing men unmerited favor, dis-service to women as well as indignity. Apart from the agony and pains of pregnancy and child birth, it interferes with women’s pursuit of careers and wearing their best slim outfits.

On the other hand some men have conflict between African traditions and western cultures.  Surprisingly, equality issues do not surface during courtship or while in Africa but in foreign land. Men usually take their place as head and pull out their superiority strings after marriage. Debra Smith writing on ‘Romancing your husband’ opined that some women see their men as helpless and perform mother-wife roles in their husband. They do everything alone grumbling and complaining. Some even find it difficult to train their children to help them on domestic duties because they feel insatiable with helpers. They should learn to respect their husbands on their character not on their domestic abilities or shortcomings. Some women nag and criticize their husbands in every thing they do when they attempt to help. The food may not be as tasteful as if she made it, but appreciate that he did something to ensure there was meal on the table. Again as willingly and often as he does it, he gets better. A great number of African men know how to cook and help in other household chores. You may have to stop nagging him and demeaning him just because we’re in ‘Oyibo’ land; it usually backfires and the consequences is unbearable.

Before we throw away our rich African culture in preference to white men’s culture, we should reexamine what we have at hand, the challenges and the consequences of other choices. I read with great admiration a well tailored commentary titled: Equality in African Relationships: the problem with some men, some women and our society, authored by Folasoyo Dele-Ogunrinde, published sometime at Nigerian world. Com. It’s thought provoking and sensitive to the affairs of women. Most of these women bake more bacon and return home to attend to men’s needs as well as that of the children. Folasoyo raised the issue of insecurity among men whose wives love and pursue their careers. She applauded strong, persuasive and assertive women, who compete with men folks to leave a landmark on the sand of progress. But let’s ask: should pursuance of careers and riches be at the expense of the family; raising secured and loving children? Little wonder some people are successful at work but failures at home. A society that neglects the family is extinct.

Due to other pursuits we are already raising a generation that feeds on junk food and pizza ordered on cell phones. Many among our young people don’t eat healthy home-made meals. Cooking for the family is considered time consuming and en-slavery. Funny enough those who claim to admire western cultures fickle out and troubled when their children marry or get married to them. Unfortunately, even the Westerners have problems in the system some Africans admire. They have set up study groups, some headed by African organizations [NGOs] to find ways of solving these problems. It’s an on going exercise. Dinner time used to be family time; we interact with kids, listen to their needs and problems as well as watch children’s table manners. These had died a natural death.  Sadly enough, our marriages are in shambles and the consequences are: living lonely together, separation or divorce. Most divorce couples regret their action and suffer the consequences of their strong won’t. The psychological effects on children include: poor grades at school, depressions, mingle with bad peer groups and indiscipline in society.

Brethren, no matter what our goals are in the society we live in, we should remember “we live life once and if we plan it well once is enough.” We have a responsibility to live rightly and hand over the batons to future generations.  We can not afford to neglect this high calling in preference to chasing wealth and worldliness. If we succeed in chasing wealth and fail in raising a secured family, we have failed. Whatever we give our children and household, they receive and live by it; it affects their being and the world around them. Dan Millman, in The life we were born to live said, “People from all walks of life share an innate drive for meaning, direction and purpose. This drive to understand our life purpose seems as important to our psychological growth as eating is to our biological survival.” We cannot change our world if we can’t change ourselves. The world is not to be put in order; the world is order, incarnate. It’s for us to harmonize with this order [Henry Miller]. He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe [Marcus Aurelius]. When righteous people live in integrity; their children are blessed after them [Proverbs 20:7]. If we have built castles in the air, brood no longer because our work is not yet lost; now let us put foundations under it. – Osa Johnson.

Reach: Evangelist Godswill Ogbonnaya at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com OR P. O. Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272.

 Again since men and women believe that God created everything and is perfect in all his ways we should have no problem adhering to the authority He placed in His institution of marriage. Even though men and women have equal standing in Christ and equal spiritual privileges, our roles are quite different. There are physical and functional differences between man and woman for God to fulfill His purpose. God had assigned spiritual headship to the husband, not the wife. Men should not abdicate that role and responsibility. Again the responsibility of spiritual oversight over the home and Church are given to men not women [1 Timothy 2:12]. The husband not the wife is to be the head of the family. The scripture unambiguously assigns that duty to men, not women. The men are the heads while women are the necks without which the heads cannot turn. They are to share life as a unit, couple. However, when there is mutual respect for each other, love flows and takes away insecurities, uncertainties, equality stuff; who makes what and self pride as well as conflict in headship. It all bothers on choices the couples make. Welcome to the land of the freed.

Reach: Evangelist Godswill Ogbonnaya at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com OR P. O. Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272.

Part 6

               I REMEMBER AND I’M THANKFUL

The Psalmist got so used to thanking God that in almost all his writing he expressed one form of thanks or the other. King David often said: I’m thankful, I give thanks, I’m grateful, I remember, I cannot forget, and I appreciate, etc. He saw so many reasons to thank God. Psalm 30 is a song of thanksgiving and praise by one who has gone from security and prosperity to near death and deliverance. He was a man after God’s own heart that enjoyed God’s grace and mercies. David saw the hand of God in every situation and circumstances of life. Even when he failed God, He was quick to repent from his heart and returned to Him in praise and thanksgiving. He experienced God’s saving grace and protection from enemies; cried to God and received healing in return and on his way to the grave God restored his life. He experienced that God’s anger lasts for a moment but His goodness lasts for a lifetime; the same God turns nights of tears into a new dawn of joy. What are thanks: Literally thanks are described as expression of gratitude, gratefulness and appreciation. We say, I thank you or thanks, I appreciate and I’m grateful. Gratitude is pleasing thankful appreciation for favor received. ‘Gratitude takes three forms: a feeling in the heart, our expression in words and giving in return’ – John Wanamaka. Thanksgiving is a formal public expression of thanks to God. George Herbert prayed, “Thou has given me so much…give me one thing more, a grateful heart.”

Why do we give thanks? Thanks is a sign of gratitude [Isaiah 12:4-5]; The scripture commends it; It’s pleasing to God [Heb 13:15]; Thank a giver and he gives more [Behavior rewarded is behavior repeated]; It demonstrates inward/ silent appreciation of thoughts; for being our creator and that of the universe; for the gift of salvation – Jesus and the Holy spirit; He’s good and His mercy endures for ever; His faithfulness remains, no matter what [Psalm 100:4-5]; has sovereignty over all his creation; He’s our shield, Refuge, Strength, Helper even in times of difficulties; For His unspeakable gift [of protection from terror by night and arrow by day and as we pass through the valley and shadow of death]; for His unfailing love.

How do we give thanks? Giving thanks is good but how we do it is more important. The attitude of the heart matters a lot to God. Our desires and thoughts and physical domino should be to give glory to God and good pleasure.

i.                    By expression: oral – telling God, the person or others – witnessing; written Apostle Paul wrote letters [Psalm 75:1; 92:1-2; 136:1-3].

ii.                  By behavior / attitude: Elizabeth thanked God for remembering her at old age [Luke 1:24-25].

iii.                By presentation [presenting for dedication: children, house, cars and self etc [John 12:3].

iv.                Fulfillment of vows [1 Sam1:26-28].

v.                  By testimony: The Samaritan woman proclaimed: come and see the man who told me everything [John 4:28-29]; the 40 year old blind man healed by Jesus said: I know I was blind but He made me see. [John 9:25].

vi.                By doing it to another person [1 Peter 4:10].

In Thanksgiving [2 Cor. 9:6-8; Luke 14:1-4; Luke 17:11-17]:

i.                    willing from the heart

ii.                  not grudgingly or arrogantly

iii.                not compulsion [by force]

iv.                but cheerfully, joyfully and lovingly. You can give without love but you cannot love without giving. For God so love that He gave……… [John 3:16].

We can express our gratitude [1 Tim.1: 12 – 17; 105:1-2; 107:1-3].

1. In supplication; when only God matters. E.g. we are hurt to a point that we have no other person than God to console and comfort us. Every other person or thing or situation is irrelevant and unimportant. Only God and only Him, no other.
2. In praise and adoration: We come, give thanks and glory to God for who He’s and the great things He has done. We uplift our heart to Him and recognize Him as our Creator, Maker and Sustainer as well as our end.
3. Intercession [1 Tim 2:1; 2 Tim1: 1-5]. We could love someone through prayers. Uphold others: family members, love ones, the sick, mourners, leaders in Church, community and government as well as our enemies; everyone that God has put on our ways.
4. Thanksgiving: We are good when asking God for something but somehow quick to turn our back on Him the moment we’ve got it. We appear to forget so easily His manifold blessings and fail to return thanks to God. {Luke 17: 17-19] One out of the ten lepers returned to give thanks and was made whole. Thanksgiving is a demonstration of gratitude and is a daily affair. “Be thankful for what you have, you will end up having more, if you concentrate on what you don’t have you will never ever have enough” – Oprah Winfrey. We should know that life is not a chance and we don’t live by luck. We are not God’s accident but God’s children. He created us for His glory and good pleasure; to praise, magnify, and appreciate His grace, mercies and provision. We should not forget his benefits [Psalm 103:1-5].

My father often said a child who earns #100 [dollars] and does not remember his father will not remember him if he earns #1000, #10000, #1000000, [dollars]. He said there are always things competing for our treasure, time and talents. There are always problems to solve, things to cater for that deplete the money away. He could start a new business, build a house, invest in stocks, buy new cars or replace furniture. He could even begin to train the girl that he plans to marry at school or play lotto in order to get more. In simple economics, we learnt lessons on wealth, scarcity and opportunity cost. It teaches that money is scarce but there are many opportunities to expend it on. We have to apply the opportunity cost concept because supply is limited and demand is high. The same apply to real life situation. We always have a top on list preference. If God is not our number one, some other thing is: money, lust, greed, covetousness, gain or ego; the 3 W’s: wine, weed and woman, etc.

God seems to know the ingratitude in human nature that He reveals to Apostle Paul to prophesize for the times we now live in. We are living in terrible days and are lovers of ourselves, lovers of money, proud, ungrateful… lover of pleasure rather lovers of God [2 Tim 3:1-2]. Many remember God’s manifold blessings but postpone thanking Him. This is an evil tendency to deny us additional blessings. Others simply assume that it’s their right for God to bless and favor them. Some make vows and pledges when they are asking for God’s favor but forgets it no soon after they received the blessings. Like Oliver Twist, they ask for more. Some when blessed by God claim they are lucky. They do not know God is not a grocery store or Supermarket; that wealth is scare and upliftment comes from God [Psalm 75:6]. God gives us power to get wealth [Due 8:18] and every good and perfect comes from God [James1: 17]. Some people claim they are grateful at heart but do not express it; they find it difficult to say I thank you. They could smile at you to show they are pleased with the gift but it’s not in their character to say thanks. Feeling grateful and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it – William Arthur Ward. For example: Women love praises. They usually keep records of what they do. When men fail to match it with equal expression of praise and thanks, they make them feel the pains of their ingratitude. Don’t ask me how!

The reason God blesses us: God blesses us for various reasons:

i.                    to establish Himself as our source

ii.                  to reveal His nature as a giver

iii.                to give us opportunity to become givers

Man hoards, Satan steals but God gives. God knows all He has done for you; don’t forget them. God knows how much or little you have. Your obedience to God’s word always secures God’s attention. God holds us accountable for 3 T’s – Talents, Time and Treasure [money]. The three walk together and God deserves all [Mark 12:38-44 – The widow’s gave what and all she had]. Whatever you sow, is what you reap. [Sow money and reap money, mercy for mercy, etc]. Jesus promotes expectation [Mark 11:23]. A television Evangelist and Preacher, Mike Murdock teaches, “You use what you have to create what you need. Whatever you let go, God replaces it more by what He holds for you. Your seed blesses another but your harvest blesses you. God had a son, Jesus but wanted a family; So He planted his best seed on the cross to produce a glorious family, the body of Christ. Little wonder we are urged to joyfully praise and worship Him in His good pleasure.” The Psalmist said, “You have turned my sadness into joyful dance, I will not be silent, I will sing praise to you; Lord, you’re my God, I will give you thanks forever [Ps 30:11-12]. Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but also the parent of all the others – Cicero. The Lord has been awesome to us that it’s only appropriate to carefully return thanks to Him. Let us therefore join the songwriter to sing,”We just want to say thank you, my Lord.”

Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill can be reached by email:gkapin53@yahoo.com

                                   True Relationship: Apology and forgiveness.

My parents taught us three [3] great phrases: I’m sorry, thank you and excuse me. We learnt from home that I’m sorry is a form of apology.  When we do something wrong, we should say to the offended person: ‘I’m sorry.’ The same I’m sorry was repeatedly taught in schools. These were preparing us for real life situation. When you say or do some wrong to someone, even while playing or studying, you should say it without waiting for the offended person[s] to ask for it. Some people are quick to say ‘please forgive me’ or ‘pardon me.’  However ‘I’m sorry’ could mean sorry for being caught in the act [remorse] or I regret my actions; I shall try not to do it again. [Repentance]. The first explains why some do not accept I’m sorry as an apology. These people consider the phrase so common to come from the heart. They think it’s a mind game and said for saying sake without regards to the consequences of the actions or misbehavior.

Most times when people say I’m sorry, you may not see the reflection on their bodies. Some say it so arrogantly that one is tempted to doubt or wonder whether the person really meant it. So when such person says I’m sorry it seems he/she hasn’t apologized. Such apologies often fall flat and lack motivation of the offended to forgive or be accepted indeed regret. In every communication, our body language expressions speak louder and add credence to what we say. A Roman Catholic who attends confession walks humbly and speaks in sobriety to the priest to show sincerity from the heart. However some people may be sincere but their body language speaks the opposite.

Writing in Marriage Partnership under the column Twenty-four seven: the fastest road to forgiveness, Gary D. Chapman said he and Dr Jennifer Thomas discovered that people have different apology languages. They found out after two years of research work that a person may be sincerely apologizing and yet, the apology isn’t perceived as sincere because it’s spoken in wrong language. They discovered five distinct language of apology:

[i] Expressing Regret: I’m sorry; I feel bad that my behavior hurt you deeply. It identifies with the emotions of the offended person[s]. You don’t only say it you feel it and is seen in you

[ii] Accepting Responsibility: I was wrong in what I did or said. Name your mistake and accept your fault. Do not generalize your apology as if you do not know or not sure of what your lapse is. What I did was wrong. I should have known better. You could say: I’m ashamed of my behavior and feel terrible.

[iii] Making Restitution: Your actions may have caused pains or hurts and could destroy or break a long time relationship. You could ask: what could I do to make this right? How do I make this up to you? How could I restore your confidence in me?

[iv] Genuine Repentance: I will try not to do it again. It calls for a change in behavior. I don’t like this to happen again. I shall make effort to change the behavior or attitude.

[v] Requesting Forgiveness: Will you please forgive me? I realize I can’t restore this relationship alone; it requires mercy on your part. I need that affirmation from you. I sincerely desire your forgiveness and let us continue our relationship, putting what happened behind us.

Most apologizers speak more than one apology language, but they may not fix the lapse if these aren’t the languages the offended person[s] wants to hear. Even if he/she forgives or pretends to forgive you, he/she may still doubt your sincerity. It becomes necessary to speak the language of the offended person and get the matter off the way once and for all.

In Marriage relationship, apology and forgiveness is a daily decision. Couples first go to God to ask for forgiveness of sins and with that grace forgives each other. As they approach the throne of grace, they learned God’s language that Jesus taught his disciples: and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors [Matthew 6:12]. Most Christians do not pay close attention to this statement. This is likening to swearing an oath. One of Jesus’ last words on the cross is: Forgive them for they know not what they do. The scripture says: all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory [Rom3:12]. While we were in sin Christ died for us [Rom 5:8]. If we say we have no sin we lie. But if we confess [apologize] our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive all are wrong doings [1 John1:8-9]. I’m writing to you little children because for His name’s sake your sins are forgiven [pardoned through His name and on account of confessing His name] – 1 John 2:12.

Most couples seldom apologize. They may lack this word in their dictionaries but I know our bible ask us to confess to one another. Some cry, frown and complain but may not say they are sorry. They think it is a sign of weakness to apologize; so they claim rights and fight it out. Others wish to apologize but find it difficult to learn the language of their spouses. Or be able to apply it when needed. Instead of apologizing, they blame their spouses or find excuses to justify their misdeeds. Others say they are sorry but the body language speaks differently. These occur where couples have no respect and regards for the other; where a couple appears to control the other and is insensitive to the plight of the other person. It could happen where the couples do not care about the relationship and the success of the marriage.

Gary Chapman PhD co-author of the Five Language of Apology wrote: “It isn’t enough to be sincere. You must express your sincerity in a language your spouse can understand.”  While some couples are satisfied with I’m sorry, others desire and demand more than that. They want to hear I’m sorry. I realize I hurt you and I feel bad about it. What do I do to make it right? Will you forgive me? It may not be difficult to learn the body language of your spouse: Just ask him/her when you apologize to someone, what do you typically say or do? When somebody apologizes to you, what do you expect to hear him/her say to you? The answers to these two questions will reveal primary apology language.  In Forgiveness poem, Laura Mazoch says: “Forgiving the one who hurt you is not an easy thing to do; it’s however God’s way- but the choice is up to you. When you hold onto the hurt and you won’t let it go, it turns to bitterness and your problems start to grow………I experienced a way that truly set free; by turning it over to Jesus the one who died for me.” His Last words, “Forgive them for they know not what they do.’ Can you think of anyone who suffered more injustice than you? ”Let go, let Jesus handle it.

In Intimate Moments with the Savior, Ken Gire prayed: Dear Lord Jesus, I confess with shame that there are times I have stood in the midst, condemned. And there are times I have stood in the crowd, condemning. There are times my heart has been filled with adultery, hate greed and covetousness. And there are times my hands have been filled with stones yet I live in a glass house. Forgive me for a heart that is so prone to wander, so quick to forget my vows. Forgive me too for my eagerness in bringing you the sins of others and my reluctant to bring you my own. Forgive me for times I have stood judging others; others I’m not qualified to judge yet I do the same thing in secret. Help me to live more like you, full of grace and compassion……………………. Thank you for those sweet words of forgiveness: go and sin no more.

Reach Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill at:weefreeministries@yahoo.com OR P.O. Box 720035, Houston, TX, 77272

,

                         PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER

           Marriage is an honorable thing. The creator designed and instituted it with a manual to work through its success. Any diversion from the laid down principles attract associated consequences. Most times we easily blame our failings on God and other people but not ourselves. It does not matter how we perceive it, the creator and designer said, ‘it is not good for man to stay alone. I shall make him a helpmate’ [Gen.2:18]. Before then God created man in his image and likeness; male and female He created them [Gen. 1:27]. The word man symbolizes a spiritual being; could be male or female. These two creatures were one and naked before each other without shame. They had left mother and father and cleave together to establish a new unit, a couple bonded or glued such that only death was supposed to separate them. These days divorce and legal separation do put them apart. Other than God, their relationship was the ultimate commitment.

            In advance world due to freedom to live life as one likes, some people just run into one another simply hibernate or cohabitate and chose to forgo marriage. Initially it was between a man and a woman but it has unbelievably escalated to man and man, woman and woman and human beings and pet [dogs, monkey etc]. Years back it was an open secret but today it is an acceptable norm and common knowledge.  They do not care what the repercussions of their behaviors are. The government in an attempt to arrest the problem compounded it by creating common law marriage and gave women support to have children without husbands. Today the problem has grown beyond mere imagination. In the name of liberty most adult have multiply sex partners that it now takes DNA to determine the biological fathers of their children. A great number of teens even below the age of eighteen get pregnant and make babies out of marriage. Just like their parents some are not sure who the fathers of their kids are. Others behaved out of control that they are spending time in the penitentiaries. Some of them still believe they are happy single; independent and in control of their lives.

             Despite the high rate of divorce and negative images portrayed in movies and televisions, human beings are social beings and crave intimacy; have a culture that prefers marriage relationship. Marriage in cultural sense and in Christian prospective implies relationship between a man and a woman, committed to a life long marital union. Caught up in adolescent and youthful bliss many young people plug the fruit before cementing the stem. They appear to confuse sex with love. Some get pregnant and give birth to one or two kids with their first time lovers and are neither married nor have any intent.  These young people failed to see things in ideal or realistic fashion. They failed to envisage the changes and challenges of new relationship and the consequences of sex outside marriage; the security of life as age ticks away. They failed to realize that sex is more spiritual than physical; when one person yields into another it’s a bond beyond words.

           Others just jump into marriage but have no anticipation of the associated stress arising from conflicts, crises and daily hassles. They want the gains but reject the pains. They believe they can make mistakes and learn from them. As easy as that saying goes, it’s more difficult to learn from one’s mistakes than simply follow the manual instructions and adhere to the wisdom of parents as well as learn from their experiences. Some mistakes are costly; could ruin one’s life and lands one behind the bars. It could destroy one’s self image beyond repairs. However mistakes could serve as promotional tools. These do not make us less human but show we are growing. Funny enough many still learn nothing from their mistakes. The truth is revealed as many of those who made mistakes in their early ages feel need for life’s partners in their middle life [ages between 30 and 45]. They come to realized that to be married is still the best option and secured way in life; even when some hate the idea of having one man or woman as partner all their life. Others just need someone to satisfy their innate orgies and help raise their children as the biological partners are incapacitated, incarcerated or unknown.

              Pastor T.D. Jakes opined that the ideal is that couples should enter into marriage pure and undefiled. Marriage should begin in marital beds where two persons come together naked in body and soul, in pursuit of purity and newness. But today we enter our marriage beds with burdens and weighted down with our sore past. These include broken vows, comparing past relationship and experiences; failures we find difficult to let go as well as diseases spreading and killing young people at their productive ages. Many couples today are not waving blood stained bed sheets after wedding nights since the honey had already been taken out of the moon. Why do we still put on veils’ when virginity is no longer a virtue and go on honeymoon when there’s no honey in the moon? Individual experiences may differ.  “Life is very much like a puzzle. I mean a riddle wrapped inside a puzzle and we like pieces have fallen on the floor. Some stepped on, some lost or scattered, carelessly kicked under the couch but amid these oddly shaped fragment, there are two that fit each other. Not because they are perfect but they cleave together to compliment each other. They are the fitting of two souls who have come together believing God to heal their past and enhance their future.” The good news is like clay in porter’s hand, we are marred and damaged but the Holy Spirit put together the pieces.

           When we come to our senses, there’s an inward desire to return to the ideal or reality and make peace with our father. One wonderful characteristic of our Creator is that He has always kept an open door for his runaway children. Even when we exclude him in our scheme of things, he included us on the cross of shame, resurrected for us and ever willing to accept us back any time. All we need is quest to return. The God who cares for the birds of the air, grass in the fields and different creatures in depth and surface of the earth has more provision and passion for mankind. When we turn to God, confess our failings and put our faith in his son Jesus Christ, we are saved and become new creatures. Our past ceases to matter. God in his mercy restores us and gives us the Holy Spirit, the Enabler, the Advocate to bind the wounds and put the pieces together. God open new phase in our lives that shall be full of his mercies and favor. He takes our mistakes and replaces them with his grace and righteous. He has risen so that we also rise above our past and live new in the future.

Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill can be reached by email:gkapin53@yahoo.com

VALENTINE – LOVER’S DAY

Every year February, 14, is the traditional day lovers express their love for each other. They send cards, chocolates [candies] and rose flowers. This tradition has grown over time to include engagements, weddings, anniversaries and others expensive gifts like jewelries, cars etc. A source reveals that the Greeting Card Association estimates approximately one billion valentine’s cards sent each year worldwide. It has become the second largest cards sending period next to Christmas. This day is dedicated after two men both Christian martyrs named valentine – the Valentine of Rome [a priest in Rome who suffered martyrdom about AD269 and the valentine of Termi [a Bishop of Intevamna killed about AD197 during the persecution of Emperor Aurelian].  However history records the third St valentine from Africa who was martyred on February 14 but was not given a saint day. The reason is obvious; we shall talk about that on Hate Day.

The word valentine is derived from a Latin word valor meaning worthy. Webster’s new World dictionary describes it as sweetheart chosen or greeted on St Valentine day. Valentine has been associated with romantic love since the days of Geoffrey Chaucer. This perhaps was inspired from the songs of Solomon in the bible that contain more romantic expressions than any other known book. However the tradition of valentine celebration was probably imported into North America in the 19th century by British settlers. Our age and generation have witnessed increase in erotic [romantic] love and decline in agape [unconditional] love.

As we celebrate the valentine day for 2007, the meaning of love diminishes in the face of hate, grudge, greed, covetousness, terror, rapes and homicides, etc. Many who send cards, flowers and even expensive jewelries have no idea that love means passionate affection, intimacy and accepting the other person the way he/she is. Globally our world is besieged in wars, resulting from self won’t and unforgiveness; ego, gain and power. In this struggles to survive, big fishes feed on small fishes and cause disharmony, untold hardship and bloodshed. Many among them are refugees in their own states.

As we celebrate love yet hatred in our minds, many families are in shamble and unsettled. As we send cards filled with romantic words, how I wish we could live a loving, respectful life; less there are futile, empty and deceitful. The rose flowers we send out symbolizes intimacy, lovers and best friends but our gestures, expressions and actions appear the opposite. Our commitment to each others should reinforce fidelity in relationship but the societal illness ‘do it if you feel good’ syndrome pervade us. ‘Our society is now paying the price of irresponsible sexuality in the form of increased unwanted pregnancies, abortions, divorces, rapes and life debilitating and life threatening sexual transmitted diseases.’ It’s also reflected in the high rate of abuses, domestic violence and homicides with their associated broken hearts, broken Spirit and broken homes.

Yet Valentine reminds us a-new of the greatest reality of God’s life that God is Love [1 John 4:8b]. Real love is unconditional and should evident in all love relationship. Apostle Paul outlines the distinguish qualities of unconditional love:  “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy or jealous; love does not parade itself and not puffed up; does not behave rudely, or seek its own, is not provoked, think no evil; does not rejoice in iniquities but in truth; bears all things, believes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” [1Cor.13:4-7]. It does not depend on what your spouse does or not, age, weight, mistakes and bad language as well as bad decisions, etc. Even though unconditional love is a daily decision and most ideal, it carries with it daily pains. It may be impossible to attain it completely but the closer one come to it, the nearer to God and wellness. Daily bonds are amended and guilt’s resolved. No marriage can have true intimacy until both couples give their hearts to God. This is different from being a member of a Church. That a person [or couples] attends Church meetings and worship does not guarantee that the person has good relationship or intimacy with Christ. You may be born again, yet have problems in your marriage because you’re still puffing up, complaining, murmuring and thinking very highly of yourself. Yet humility and mutual submission is the required menu. Most couples live in pretence but that can only work beautifully at first and would not last long. It can become revolving and requires continuous suppression. As time goes on you may discover more negative stuffs that could be disturbing. When we can no longer suppress those negative behaviors, we face the thoughts of disagreeing with our spouse. Disagreement leads to quarrels if not handled maturely.

. We can stand against this common foe that plagues and threatens our love life and family wellbeing by realizing that marriage is a union of two imperfect beings; every person has strengths and weaknesses and learns to accept our spouses for what they are as well as our children. Mother Teresa once said, “We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature – trees, flowers, grass – grow in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, ….we need silence to be able to touch souls” Let us learn from nature and heed to King David’s injunction, ‘Be still and know that I am God’ [Psalm 46:10].  Debra Smith advised, ‘Heightened marital romance only occurs when one has already had deep intimacy and romance with God. A divine intimacy develops through regular dwelling in the Lord’s presence. From the supernatural romance, God’s power will flow through you and supercharge your relationship with love from heaven. Your marriage shall be revolutionized and every relationship benefit from God’s unconditional love oozing from you.’  That’s the way out. Hee, we have worked so hard, let us have some fun while the meals are still warm. Happy valentine.

NO MARRIAGE IN HEAVEN!

Sometimes ago, I attend a funeral ceremony where we celebrated the life of an elderly man who died at about the age of 85. The preacher reflected on the riches of heaven. He charged men and women to live a life of righteousness that will earn them a place in heaven. One young adolescent in his youthful arrogance joked, “If I had known the deceased would die, I would’ve sent him on an errand to my deceased parents.” Initially I enjoyed the joke and laugh over it; but as I ponder on it I begin to feel different. I wondered, could that be true! Is that possible! Some hidden revelation came to mind beyond the jokes. What would heaven be like and how big is it? What qualifies people to heaven? Will families live in heaven just as they live on earth? Would happily married couples be able to translate their joyful relationship to heaven? Would couples who had bad marriage on earth be able to better their life in heaven? These and many others questions pop up in my mind and as I got home I sort answers to these questions.

Heaven is believed to be a place of eternal pleasure and rest from the ills of this earth. ‘Even though everyone desires heaven but nobody wants to die.’ When one dies he/she would no longer suffer pains, looses and persuasions. There shall be no more sin and death. In her book, Heaven My Father’s House, Anne Graham Lotz pondered, “Even though I have been to the cross and received forgiveness of all my sins, I still sin. The reality of sin is the single most discouraging, defeating, depressing fact of life. But I can look forward  with hope, because one day when I get to My Father’s House, all of my sin…my sin tendencies, my sinful thoughts, my sinful actions, my sinful habits, my sinful words, my sinful feelings …all my sins are going to fall away like stinking garment …… There will be no more…disagreements, misunderstandings, busyness, rivalry, jealousy, selfishness…….nothing at all to mar our full enjoyment of being with our loved ones forever. She added not only will we live with Him but we will live with our loved ones who died trusting Jesus Christ as their Savior” [Revelations 21:4].

The life after death is presumed to be joyful if you end up in heaven or excruciating pains, sufferings and agony in hell. Heaven is a place where the saints join the heavenly bodies in praise and worship of the King of kings and Lord of lords [Revelation 4:2-8]. They bow continuously before the throne of Most High God.  Prophet Isaiah had a glimpse into heaven and was thrilled by what he saw: The Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted and the train of His robe filled the temple………the temple was filled with smoke [Isaiah 6:4ff]. “…….where the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to Him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and for ever………fall down before Him……worship Him…….lay their crown before the throne……” [Revelations 4:9-11].  You have to be in Spirit to see what was revealed to Apostle John.

Many people have put their trust on earthly wealth but do not know that earthly riches are vanity [Psalms 49:6-10, 16-17; 1 Timothy 6:17]. Others believe that when they died they will go to heaven with the flesh. Some others believe that if their great grand parents died in righteousness, they had already secured a place for them in heaven. They shall inherit the righteousness of their past parents. Are they in error or mistaken? It also connotes that family members will live together just as they live on earth and shall be able to identify one another. Another school of thought holds that couples who married on earth shall remain married in heaven. Married couples who had horrible or conflict relationship here on earth shall have opportunity to make amend in heaven. But Jesus said in all these, you are mistaken and living in illusion; in heaven there shall be no marriage [Mark 12:24-25]. Invariably what Jesus means is that marriage relationship among human beings shall only take place here on earth. Jesus’ statement implies that we should give our marriages a priority since only on earth we shall marry and enjoy it. We must celebrate our spouses; appreciate what God has given us in each other. He has put us together as one [a couple, a unit] to share life together, until death do us part. Marriage is honorable; like faith, it should be preserved. Marriage was designed and created by God for us to enjoy it and not endure it. We should recognize that God ‘gives us richly all things to enjoy” [1 Timothy 6:17] and also ‘every good and perfect gift……..is from above [James 1:17]. Again a good marriage breeds a good society.

Marriage is a perfect gift from God for our enjoyment. As for God His way is perfect, so are all His gifts. We should appreciate the gift of marriage relationship; sharing life together, where God’s miracle: one plus one is equal to one. It’s for companionship and completion. One may ask if marriage is perfect why it crumbles! The answer is that marriages do not crumble; it’s those who enter into it either ignorantly or ill-prepared and refused to adhere to the laid down principles that the Designer and Maker had put in place that collapse and fall apart. As against that illusion, we are witnesses that daily people desire and enter into the honorable union and are blessed in it. Those who are obedient to the rules and make their relationship a priority enjoy it and meet their destinies; only death separates them. God does not fail, so does his way and institution.

Marriage is design to last until death separates it; it’s a life long engagement. This is why it must not be entered unadvised or uneducated; it must not be entered in a rush, in infatuation or in sympathy. Where there is separation or divorce, it shows how Satan has hampered on God’s perfect creation and institution. It means the union lacks commitment, mutual respect, submission and intimacy. It could be an evidence of self won’t [unforgiveness]. It does not means that marriage couples do not have misunderstandings or step on others toes but the ability to resolve problems as they come, is what makes the difference and keep the relationship going.

 Our existence on earth has a limit time. Mankind is like a flower – it blossoms and dies away. Everyman’s life is but a handbreadth. Little wonder King David asked God, “Show me my life’s end and how to number my days.” [Psalms 39: 4-5; 90:12]. How we utilize this limited time and opportunity availed us depend on the choices we make.  I cannot agree less with the Preacher’s saying: To everything  there is a season and a time for every purpose under the heaven………….a time to love and a time to hate; a time of war and a time of peace…..[Ecclesiastes 3:1ff]. Marriage is a season of selfless love and completion; a time for enjoyment and peace. In this engagement you make daily decisions to live and love. You cannot seek enough of each other. King Solomon put it this way, “My beloved is mine and I am his; he feedeth among the lilies … Thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck…… How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse! How much better is thy love than wine and the smell of thine ointments than all spices……thy lips o my spouse drop as the honeycomb; honey and milk are under thy tongue……..”  [Song of Solomon 2:16; 4: 9-11]. We do not marry on earth and enjoy it in heaven. God welcomes us into this honorable institution to bring us delight and glory to Him. So you are mistaken if you think your marriage will be translated into heaven.

Consequently, if we can only marry here, it then becomes our responsibility to make do with what we have on earth. It means we can only bear fruit and multiply on earth and even children are the inheritances from the Lord. We then utilize the time frame available to us to love, give birth, nurture and raise children who succeeds us and effect their generation. When we take our marriages seriously we shall be committed to each other and preserve in faith; trust God to make it work. When marriages are given priority couples will put God first and serve each other selflessly. They shall respect and uphold each other all the time; the love that flows from parents shall affect the children and the entire community. Learn therefore to enjoy your marriage, for it is a gift from God.

.

Part 7

WHEN THE HEAD BECOMES THE BOTTOM

The world is full of interesting news these days. News in the market place, in the government, in the Air- space and in the changing world economy; news of wars on terrorist, of unending peace talks and peaceful negotiations. Daily we hear news of natural disasters claiming numerous lives mostly among the innocent, news of murder incidents, of drugs infected society and its effects, news of unmonitored kids carrying guns to schools to shoot their mates, rapists, child molesters etc. Unknown to many, there are numerous news in the family that receive less coverage and gradually becoming a way of life. Sad news of rampant and escalating home break –ups fill the air, resulting from divorces.  It will make huge news if a man should dare bite a dog, but no news when dogs bite men [its owner or anybody]. Now how do you react to the news about the head becoming the bottom and the bottom becoming the head? Professor Chinua Achebe envisaged a situation where the unusual happens in his books titled, “things fall apart”, and “no longer at ease”. This appears to justify the saying, “wonders shall never end” and “no condition is permanent”. Today, evidence abound that the unimagined, unexpected, never dreamt of has been happening. This is what creates the breaking news we read, and watch that make us wonder.

Before dabbling into the main issue, it is necessary first and fore-most, to give credence to our women who in spite of their ‘advantage position’ humbly respect and honor their husbands, presenting them as icons to their children and the world. Their sacrifices, love and care are highly commendable and appreciated. Indeed, such are great monuments of our culture and tradition, and our hope in raising our future generation. A Christian woman has a duty to respect and honor her husband as her head and that of the household regardless of his status [1 Corth.11:3; Ephesians 5:23]. Other religion also keep to this tenet with stiffer retribution. A prudent wife comes from the Lord [Proverbs 19:14]. It does not matter who makes higher or all the money, what matters is that it’s used collectively to meet the family needs. 

A woman Evangelist once opined, “A woman is either a wife or a knife. While a wife supports her husband, holding him with respect and honor, a knife slices the husband to death and becomes a young widow”. She stressed that whatever a woman does, she was only fulfilling her role, helping the husband out. She cited two great women of the scriptures: Deborah- a one time prophetess, a wife, a mother and a Judge in Israel. She was a woman of many talents and substance, yet contended her ego, humbled herself and honored the husband. Another was Lydia who worked hard, making and dying purple clothing’s to bring home bacon for the family. She still found time to worship God, kept His precepts, including submission to her husband and being benevolent to others. The list of faithful, modest and hard working women in the scriptures will be incomplete if Ruth’s deeds and lifestyle is not mentioned. “I shall not leave you, for your people shall be my people and your God, my God. All my fellow townsmen know you as a woman of noble character” [Ruth1:16-17, 3:10-11]. She was deeply loyal to those she loved.

 A mother who has a true motherhood instinct will be fighting to respect her husband and present him well to the children as spring rock of authority and head of the home. Little wonder the Proverbs of Solomon commend that a wife of noble character is scarce and worth more than money. Her husband trusts her and he’s blessed by her tireless industry all the day of his life [Proverbs 31:10-12]. For he who finds a ‘good’ wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. A virtuous woman is an emblem of honor [crown]

to her husband while a smart woman with no character is a disaster; she’s like a constant dropping on a rainy day and cannot be restrained [Proverbs 18:22, 12:4, 27:15-16].

Naturally, a man is regarded as the head of family [Genesis 1:26-31; Numbers 1:4].  It’s a God given role with its associated responsibilities.  Evidence from the scriptures and cultural practices support this claim. There’s yet no proof that man ever asked or lobbied

for this position but God designed it. Perhaps that justifies why Adam was created first and he named every living thing, including the woman whom he called Eve. In line with the Devine plan, a woman was made out of a man and assigned her a helper [or help mate] to man. In trying to expound her roles, some teachers have described the woman as “the neck” on which the head rotates or “the tail” that drives away his enemies; she cares, nourishes and protects the man. Whichever way one puts it supports her role as a helper [not the head]. However, as the two cleave together in marriage, they use their different roles to serve, support and complement each other.

In the olden days, families engaged mostly in farming. The man wakes up early and sets out to the farmland to cuts and clears the bush or digs the ground, while the woman also wakes early to keep the house [including children], prepare meal for the family and join the man, taking food to him. She planted the crops or engaged in weeding.  Depending on the family arrangement, both may leave together after a hard day’s job. Whatever yield harvested from the farm was a product of the couple. As civilization sets in, the man worked and brought home money to meet the family needs, while the woman had a home-based business and cared for the home. In today’s society, with the associated high taste and standard of living, both couples work not only to make ends meet but also to meet extended family responsibilities. Ideally, the two should cleave together in all things, including their finances. In the days when we had no female wrestlers, a man assumed physically stronger than a woman and was looked upon to make more money but in our modern society and world, making money depends on one’s smartness, profession or trade; most women make more fat checks than their men. Ordinarily, this should not create any puzzle or problem, but unfortunately ‘this blessing’ has resulted to an insurmountable relationship chaos in most families.

About two months ago I watched a channel 26 television Divorce Court proceeding, where a woman brought home the bacon. She became over controlling, over assertive, issuing instructions to the man and treating him as a nobody. Repeatedly she asserted, since she was making the money, the man must clean the house, toilets and kitchen, care for their children and changed the baby diapers even when she was present in the house. Every item in the house she described as “my this or my that”. She showed a lot of disrespect to her spouse that the Honorable Judge expressed disappointment over her behavior; and wondered aloud why they were still in the relationship.

PART 2: REVELATIONS AND REALITIES

After watching that television divorce court program, coupled with talks of similar incidents becoming common place, I went to town, visited three African stores and sought opinions of men and women of African descent on the matter. The opinion survey was carried out between the months of March and May 2003 and about the same time, I also chatted with some people at various wakes.  In the middle of the chats,  

                                                                            3/

I chipped in questions such as: “Is it true that when women  make more money than their husbands, they feel bossy? How do you feel if your spouse makes more money than you? “Some African men find it difficult to adjust to the change in culture and life in America, hence it’s affecting their behavior and marriage relationship” what’s your opinion? An average of 50 African men died last year in Houston and most of them were attributed to heart failure. Could it be linked to internal frustrations, what do you think? And so on.

Some people simply smiled and made no comments while others responded but begged to remain anonymous. One woman jokingly revealed, “Boo it’s a rat race. Our men went

home in search of women whom they intend to turn into money making machine, while women looked for men whom they shall climb their backs into American soil, so it’s a done deal”. Surprisingly a great number of men and women upheld this opinion. Another group expressed a general view: It is an open secret that most couples live in pretends, our marriages are sick, divorce is rampant while many just live lonely together. Few men and women reacted this way, “some of our men are lazy, they think when they marry industrious wives, they should just hang on to one poorly paid job and do nothing else”.  However a Christian woman had this to say,“ it’s true that most of our women frustrate their husbands because they make more money; they have forgotten that these men married them, some paid their fares to America and supported them through their careers or trades. It’s sad and against God’s commandment”. One woman made fun of it and spoke in pigeon, “say una no go leave our women alone, una no see men where de abuse, abi maltreat their wives; we de for woman world oo”. On the whole the women despite the finger pointing were more responsive than men.

Some families don’t have this problem. A colleague’s wife went on hunger strike because her husband refused to touch her pay check. She said her mother instructed her that submission includes pay checks, her life and all. They must do everything together. She even warned her not to send her any money without the knowledge and consent of the husband. Her mother revealed that ‘oneness and truthfulness’ were the keys to her successful relationship with her father. Another modest woman reacted, ‘you already know I am an RN, and my husband works with the state. I had a degree in Agric-economics before I met my husband. He married me and brought me here; saw me through nursing career in early ‘90s. We have a joint account and he runs it and pays all our bills. I’ve always trusted his judgment. A Muslim wife had this to say, ‘the Koran commands wives to be totally submissive and loyal to their husband, holding them in honor. Another woman noted, ‘I am a Nurse. When I started work after passing my Board Examinations, I foresaw that a time will come when my salary alone shall not meet the family needs and could bring misunderstanding, so I encouraged my husband who was already an Accountant to read a course in medical field. Both of us are RNs and we work four days a week. We are comfortable with what we make; at least it sustains us’.

Surprisingly, the chats also brought out a silent fact that some men are blessed with industrious and submissive wives who worked hard to support their husbands and households but out of greed, self-centeredness and lack of fairness in decision making, the men ruined it for their families and in turn brought self imposed anarchy to their homes. These women were initially submissive to their husbands, worked extra hours and handed them their hard earned pay checks, allowed them make major decisions concerning their household but their husbands misconstrued their humility and

                                                                        4/

submissiveness for weakness, thus abused the golden opportunities through misappropriation of funds, unfairness and lack of appreciation. This partly explains why some women get rebellious and uncompromising with their men. That doesn’t make it right, for such behavior shall affect the atmosphere in the home as well as the children. It would be a shame to see the marriage failed and the family ruined. A greedy man stirs up dissension and a man who remains stiff-necked after many rebukes shall failed and be destroyed. Also a man’s greed is his shame and he who brings trouble on his family will inherit only wind. For this reason, a good man obtains favor from the Lord while the Lord condemns the crafty and wicked [Proverbs 19:22, 16:28, 11:29 & 12:2]

PART 3: OPTIONS – COMPROMISE OR JOINT HEAD

However it was also revealed that some couples right from the onset of the relationship had inordinate ambition and ulterior motives, which they brought into the union. When these motives hatch, they took turn for the worst. Some of these people were hurt in their past relationships and had transferred ill feelings to whoever would be ‘lucky’ to meet them, while others had hidden unresolved spiritual issues. The Watch Tower of September, 2003 expressed the views of a medical journalist who nips the matter at bud, “we enter the institution without any training whatsoever; the lack of proper education on what marriage entails is the major root of failures”. Indeed many went into marriage without the faintest knowledge of what it takes to enter and sustain the relationship and the devil loves that, because he takes this situation to build strongholds and cause terrible chaos in the mind of many folks. One cannot live a positive life with a negative mind.

On the contrary, in some families the unexpected happens.  Where the woman earns more money than her male spouse, she assumes the role of the head and manhood pushed to the bottom. She attaches her ego to the money she makes and bears some false sense of security.  She’s bossy and possessive, wants to make all the decisions, control the finance [because she brings home more bacon], and to discipline the children. In a family affected by the money ego problem, the woman operates different bank accounts, hides her pay checks and stubs from her man; buy things at will and uses the money she makes to influence the children, showing them she cares for them more than their father. She nags, orders the man around, talks mean to the man and disrespects him even in the presence of their children.  She becomes a mini-god, blowing her trumpet and dictating tunes. She’s assertive, controlling, and treating the man as a no body, just like the telecast on divorce court.  One boasted to the husband, “in America, home women are heads of families and it’s no big deal”. She often threatens that, ‘the laws in America favor the women than the men as well as job opportunities’. Another Egoist woman was quoted to have said to the husband, “If you desire to head a home, be a man and make more money”. Poor him, for he did not know it’s a curse to be poor because a poor man is hated by his own relatives and even household [Proverbs 14:20, 19:7].

Unfortunately, we live in a wealth-minded society where money speaks and its power radiates; it means everything to some people. Funny enough, human beings associates’ money with power; the more you acquire the more power and authority you wield.                                             The society now cares a little on how you make it, as long as you have made it successfully, you are flattered with recognition, respect and honor; you can even dine with royalty, be awarded as many titles as you desire and willing to subscribe to, be it in Church or society.

                                                                                  /5

The Ebony magazine, May 2003 issue contains this statement: “It is amazing that women want to be treated as equals but don’t want equal responsibilities. This type of behavior has men around the world scratching their heads”. If a man makes more money than his female spouse, it’s an acceptable norm, but if the reverse, it’s a curse; may raise dust, puzzle, nagging, resentfulness and in some cases may crack the relationship; why is it so? The only crime these men commit is that they are not making enough money and the problem these women have is not knowing how to allow their men be the heads of household as God ordained and is culturally instituted. “A good partner can make or break your life”.

Some of these men are well read, enlightened, and wish to be engaged in a well paying job but somehow are disadvantaged in terms of job opportunities. Some have tried severally, and appeared to have resigned to faith, just to allow sleeping dog lie.  Attempts to fashion out solution to these ugly situations, have  some advisers, including our columnist, E. Emeaba suggest that men should toe the path of compromise. They argued since in Rome we must act like the Romans. Come to think of it, should we emulate every tradition of men? What’s not yet clear is what to compromise- headship or husband?  Whatever be the case, men headship was not conditioned on ability to solely provide for the family. If men could do it alone God would not have made women to help them. When the Scripture says, a man who cannot provide for the family is worse than infidel, it was on the premise that a man as the head represents the couple; also he’s blessed with wealth but spent it elsewhere or on other things. Even in the days of our fore fathers some women were more industrious and wealthy than men folks yet that only humbled them and made them more supportive to their husbands. There’s a new school of thought: the partnership concept [or Joint head], where both partners are considered head of the household and both are equally accountable and responsible to each other. This concept appears fairly new and could be tried but requires change of perception. However when two captains man a ship, it could sail into disaster. In my opinion, marriage is too fragile to be planted in  waterloo; the Inventor had laid the design on which it’s built and work. Marriage is a critical choice that requires great care. “A wise woman builds her home while the foolish tear it down [Proverbs14:1].

As these internal war rages on, some men in this sordid condition who do not wear the heart of stone break down in frustration and emotional torture. It’s better to live in the desert than with a brawling and contentious woman [Proverbs 20:9, 19; 25:24]. This emotional tumult comes from lack of peace of mind, denial of love and unending emotional conflicts and could cause heart failure, high blood pressure, strokes and ultimately untimely death. Last year alone about 50 Africans men bowed to great beyond and most of them suffered from one or all of these silent killers. A marriage counselor had once advised, 4 things that can make a man commit suicide are: i] feeling unloved  ii] feeling unneeded  iii] feeling no hope of that changing  and  iv] feeling lack of comfort expressing these feelings.  Inevitably, feeling loved and feeling needed is vital to human psyche; also while women’s strength is their façade of weakness, men’s weakness is their façade of strength. Another great thinker had opined expressing feelings of vulnerability brings women affection and men rejection; men support system supports men on being invulnerable.

                                                                                     

                                                                                 6/

PART 4: THE PALAVA & HINTS ON REMEDIES.

This sad situation may sound ridiculously exaggerated but truly it’s now very common, as matter of fact an open secret, even though many live in denial. A lot of factors could be

responsible for this strife, ranging from: wrong mentality complex, peer group influence syndrome, incompatibilities in marriage, lack of intimacy, lack of proper education and wrong concept of marriage relationship; bad societal and environmental influences and of course wrong parental upbringing and expectations. Against these background psychologists, Dr Paris Finnier Williams and Robert Williams, authors of “marital secrets: dating, lies, communication and sex” advise as follows:

i] Couples should learn to manage their money rather than allowing their money to manage them; they should not define their relationship in terms of money alone.

 ii] Couples must establish an open line of communication, whereby each party has equal access and equal opportunity to express and share their concerns and their interest; solid line of open communication around money matters help to alleviate misconception, misjudgment, suspicion and wrong assumptions that could damage the relationship. The relationship can be successful if there’s an agreement between the two on how the money is handled and if the couples are sensitive towards each other, rather than dominating.

iii] Avoid feelings of emasculation, resentment and animosity, begin with a thorough assessment of your partner’s money history and respect the significant it brings with.

iv] Accepting your partner’s situation and respecting your individual’s needs are keys to the success. A man must feel secured in his manhood and the woman must respect the man for what he has to offer.

A man’s ego is attached to money and a woman’s sense of security is attached to it as well. It’s therefore crucial that couples should be open to each other and discuss money matters along other issues before entering into marriage, to enable them deal with the differences when they occur. Unfortunately marriage is like ordering a parcel, until it is received and opened, no one can say for certain what is inside. As they start their journey, no body ever dreamt that the unexpected would happen, where the man would not be able to fly and these relevant issues were not dealt with early enough.  It posses a huge problem when it eventually happens. The bottom line is when couples stop looking at money as “my money” or “your money”, then it really doesn’t matter who is contributing to the pot as long as you look at the whole pot as a resource to enhance the family.

Are you in deep trouble now in your relationship and you appear to feel aggressive, tensed up and hopeless? Could it be your partner has abandoned you and you are experiencing rejection from your children with whom you desire to be friends? It is a problem sometimes faced in our journey in life. That may not be the only drama in your life, suddenly you’ve noticed that friends and people who were initially around you have started keeping a distant and no longer believe you. It could be that God is trying to set you aside for something different. You are a Christian and have been struggling to be right with your God but passing through a lot of internal strife. Often times strife is a cold war in the house that everybody knows exist but no body deals with it. Have you taken a second look at your situation? It may not be as huge as you think and you may have your own faults that need to be addressed. Sadly people always justify their behavior. When we are able to face our shortcomings, learn to put them behind us, by forgiving self and others, we would be surprised the dramatic changes that shall occur in us and in our relationship.

We should not allow our past and how we were raised to run our lives. Our pasts give excuses and reasons for what we are facing but our destiny is in the future and God knows it all. The truth is that Jesus came, died and rose again to set the captive free and give them eternal life. We must not live according to our past but according to our destiny. No temptation or strife has come to us that are not common to man. God is faithful and can’t allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear, but will provide a way of escape [1 Corth.10:13] Again, if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts and He knows all things [1John 3:20]. It’s important we recognize God’s direction in our lives.  When things are badly wrong, God’s even closer. He does not abandon us or leave us helpless. He patiently corrects us, put us on the right path and continually change us from inside out. It may not be a one time thing affair.

 If you believe Jesus died on the cross for you, and have put your trust in Him, then changing your situation for better is a little matter. I have not heard nor seen anything God does not resolve. He will deal with them perhaps not quite in the way you expect. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life; the unchangeable changer. The scriptures teaches that, we glory in tribulation [problems, trails, persecutions] knowing that tribulation produces perseverance [patience], and perseverance, character[experience]; character, hope. And hope does not fail us because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom He has given us. [Romans 5:3-5]. You need to have an experiential knowledge of God and His ways [not just talk or read about him alone]. As you taste Him, you will end up like Job testifying, ‘I know my Redeemer lives’. 

Always expect the unexpected and remember everything is for a season; nothing is permanent. Finally, God is bigger than your problem and powerful than all your enemies put together. As you approach His throne of grace daily, join a great hymn writer- Henry Hart Milman -1701-1808 [personalized]   O help me Lord each hour of my need,

                                                                       Thy heavenly succor gives;

                                                                       Help me in thought, and word and deed

                                                                       Each hour on earth I live.

Feel free to contact any experienced pastor or marriage counselor in a living Church if you need further help; Or else, we will be glad to help out. The choice is yours.

Elder G. Ogbonnaya

WHY FATHER’S ABSENCE FROM HOME

“Fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation. It’s also the leading cause of declining child well-being in our society. It’s also the engine driving our most urgent social problem, from crime to adolescent pregnancy to child sexual abuse to domestic violence against women,” says David Blankenhorn, Fatherless America, confronting our most urgent social problem. Does this suggest our state is fast becoming an increasingly fatherless society? Fatherlessness describes a father absent from home where moms and grandma’s struggle to raise children on their own without a dad’s role. In Throw Away Dads, Dr Ross Parke says, “The effect of filling our children’s head with negative images of their father’s; of ignoring men who share equally in raising their children and of showing nothing but part-time or no-time father is quite simply devastating.” Our children are not only denied the love and presence of their dads but also fed with negative images of their father’s to suggest that women don’t need men to raise children; they are even better off without them.

What happened to dads? Where have they gone? Raymond R Rubino reviews opine “we have no shortage of fathers in the pro-creative, biological/ physiological sense of the world. What is missing in our society is the institution of fatherhood, the process whereby the patriarch of the family takes his rightful place in the family as leader, provider, protector and nurturer.” William Muchlenbery referring to Fatherless America said, “perhaps most disturbing of the information Blankerhorn uncovered is the fact that “tonight,” about 40 percent of American children will go to sleep in homes in which their fathers do not live.” “Whether unwittingly or by design, feminism and women liberals had played a big part in destroying the sacred institution; their call for the “right” of women did not stop there. There has been a full scale diminution of fatherhood, to the detriment of all involved, and ultimately, society.”

 Little wonder the primary results of this trend are decline in children’s well being and rise in male domestic violence. The problem is not just the absence of fathers, but the absence of our belief in fathers. Even though the traditional society had some problems, the fatherless society is a greater dilemma. In it, fatherhood is completely devalued, decultured and deinstitutionalized. Blankerhorn isn’t saying that mothers aren’t good enough for the kids but that children need mothers and fathers equally and healthy families are prerequisite for healthy society.

FACTORS AFFECTING FATHER’S ABSENCE FROM HOME:

Conflict leadership: The purpose of marriage is for husband and wife to unite and become one; striving and sharing life together. When strife exists continuously in marriage, couples detest marriage. They become angry, bitter and resentful; trust and confidence vanish.  When a woman doesn’t know how to allow her man becomes the husband of the home; she’s bossy, controlling and makes all decisions. She’s independent, nagging and very demanding and confronting. If she happens to bake more bacon than her man she then becomes the boss/head of the home. The man suddenly becomes incompetent, stupid and perhaps crazy. Some women even when they profess to be Christians buy into the feminist ideals and cultural norms. They believe that marriage in this society is partnership and any partner could head the home by coarse or clutter. These by all means affect the relationship and result in conflict leadership; affect the children both at homes and in schools. Couples in this situation live lonely together and no longer care for each other. Such situation could result into separation and divorce.

Disrespect: You can force someone to obey another but you cannot force a person to respect another. ‘Very few men would want a drill sergeant for a wife.’ Men as well as women dislike controlling freak as partners. You must first respect your spouse before you love and submit to him/her. Men hate living with domineering wives and women abhor being controlled. Unfortunately many marriages are nothing more than a battle ground for power. A woman who attempts to control her husband can in no way respect or revere him. Children watch their mom disrespect their dad and sooner or latter join the club; however this happens only on the short run. As children grow into adult, they become aware of their parent’s real character; their behavior may begin to change towards them. In most cases by then it has become too late to amend the wrongs of several years. When the situations get unbearable and uncontrollable, the couples becomes grieved and frustrated; if something is not done to keep them apart, it could result to violence. A wise woman builds her home [Proverbs.14:1]; he who finds a wife finds a good thing and favor from the Lord [Proverbs18:22]. What’s good in a domineering and brawling spouse? She’s disrespectful, competitive and contentious that is not conducive for healthy living. A virtuous and worthy wife is a crowning joy to her husband but she that makes him ashamed, provoked and irritated with vexation is as rottenness in the bones [Proverbs12:4]. ‘A father at home is better than a mother in the work place.’

Ungodliness: God designed and instituted marriage as a secure union between man and woman. He made a woman out of man and later brought them together as a couple and completion to man. For marriage to succeed both couple must have strong belief in God, and obey the principles He laid and accept His authority in marriage. Many couples belong to a Church family, which is commendable but do not honor God enough for Him to reflect in their families. They lift ‘holy hands’ in worship but have no experiential knowledge of God’s grace and the effect of His death and resurrection. They have no idea of the demands of Christian marriage. Marriage was designed in such a way that God is at the center as a sustainer and enabler. The key to good marriage is based on the foundation of God and His word. We must build an intimate relationship through the study of the word, meditation and prayers; being led by his Spirit. If God leads your union, then you will be submissive to Him and the authority He placed in marriage.

Wrong Choices: Some men made wrong choices and married out of infatuation and lack of knowledge. When the love air settles down, they suddenly realize they are in a mess. This results in panics, conflicts and frustrations as well as domestic violence because of the crises at homes. Some get involved either in drugs or alcohol to release the tension and frustration at home and feel good temporary. Some were denied their pleasures and they got into trouble trying to demand their right; perhaps to get out of the controlling spouse in a wrong manner. Higher resentment kicks the joy out of marriage and it becomes a hell on earth. Just like living with an enemy, it breeds distrust; live independently together like cotenant. ‘A parent who harbors resentment towards the other shall no doubt pass it to the children.’

         Absent of fathers: Some young people who were raised by single parents, were somehow fed with wrong ideas and information about men and fatherhood as well as the world around them. Even though we have single moms who through struggles and hard experiences raised their children well, they are many others who were not as successful. As these children grew up dads absent, they were influenced by adult who had no business being around them. Some of them make huge mistakes, ends up in juvenile and graduate into penitentiaries. Others live in fears and insecurities. As they grew up they feel agitated with self, the environment and culture they were raised. The father is indispensable for the full sociological status of the child as well as of its mother” Children are raised better where mom and dad are present, in loving relationship.

            Cultural norms: Many who latter got married had no intension of doing so; they were caught up by the status of common law marriage. They were interested only in the physical funs than sharing life and rearing children together. Other groups made babies and preferred to get/pay child support than go through the burden of living with a spouse to raise kid[s] together. Among them some were products of single parents and divorcees; feel it’s too much a burden living with a spouse. These people are concerned with their selfish interest/happiness than the overall well-being of the child [To be continued sometime].

              Sons of men, let accept this hard evidence while we seek counsel from God on how to deal with the emerging problems. Even if your earthly father is absent or passed, you have a heavenly Father who is omnipresent. Happy Father’s Day.

           Reach Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com Or P.O. Box 720035, Houston, Texas, &77272.

Part 8

God hates divorce

A story goes like this: In African country, a couple had sore relationship after years of marriage and the woman moved out with her four children of the union. She was lucky to open a business in a far city and became comfortable. After years of separation, the woman brought members of her family and asks for dissolution. The man informed his family who in turn invited the community as both participants and witnesses. The wife told the gathering that she asked for dissolution of the marriage because her husband no longer loves her and asked to have the two girls of the four children. The husband was then asked his opinion. He thanked the community for gathering and surprisingly chose the wife, adding that she is her first investment in life and he still love her and had no intention of re-marrying. At this point the dissolution ran into stalemate. Those who had gathered for dissolution turn out the reconciliation team. The case ended and the couple worked out a new beginning. I appreciate the first move of the wife, the choice of the husband and the wisdom of the community. True love has a price tag; we must not feel reluctant paying it. We come to marriage not to find a perfect person but to learn to see an imperfect person perfectly. Marriage may appear a daunting task even as we experience unbelievable pressure, but we were created for relationship and made for intimacy; so we have to make it work. However, sometimes the reverse happens.

We are living in an age and time that witness rampant divorces. The sky rocketing of divorce rate in our society today has become nightmare for concern. People are quick to marry and divorce for various reasons, some flimsy, others deep rooted issues. Some court for several years and married for months, and then divorce within a twinkle of an eye. These havocs we witness daily in our society, watched on TV programs and experience in our relationship and those of our closed ones. Divorce has become a way out of marriage deadlocks while its associated problems begging for our attention.

Divorce could mean separation, deform or severe of a relationship. When people divorce they part ways and become alienated from one another. They no longer share common bonds or mutual affection. Divorce is neither God made nor did the laws of God create or establish it. God detest divorce and never takes it lightly. As a matter of fact, though prophet Malachi God spoke explicitly on the matter. The Lord God of Israel says, “I hate divorce” [Mal.2:16]. Divorce had it first entrance into the affairs of men in the Garden of Eden. Here Satan in a serpent body deceived our first earthly parents into disobeying God’s commandment. By so doing he created a barrier between mankind and his Creator and that was sin. But God who had foreknown that mankind would fail had a redemption plan in place. God fulfilled this plan by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. On the cross of shame, he defeated Satan, crossed out death, sin and sadness, repossessed what the enemy had stolen; broke the barrier created and reconciled man to his Creator.

Divorce was a common practice of the Egyptians. The children of Israel imbibed that lifestyle from their host and put out their wives at will. They persuaded Moses to grant them permission to divorce their wives. Moses seeing the hardness of their hearts conceded to them, a near impossible permission, whereby only the highest court presided by Moses could issue such permit. The implication was that it could take several years before the highest court could hear, deliberate and decide on such cases, by which time the couples might’ve settled their difference or passed on. Even though Moses injunction did not encourage divorce but the children of Israel understood it differently. However the books of Ezra 9-10 and Nehemiah 13:23-27 urged the “men of the land” to put away their foreign wives married from among the Canaanites and Egyptians as means of national cleansing and attempt to revert to the covenant with God. Some Jews had continued in this practice even in Jesus day.

However it was to further buttress their chances and tempt Jesus that they confronted him about his stances on divorce. But Jesus answered “Don’t you know in the beginning God made them man and woman? That is why a man leaves his father and mother and joined to his wife and becomes like one person. They are no longer two people but one. He added what God had joined together let no man separate.” Jesus response supported preservation of marriage. They were grossed and then asked him: why then did Moses grant us permission to divorce our wives? Jesus again replied: it was because of the hardness of your heart (Matt. 19:8). It implies that even though God hates divorce but may permit it by means of concession because of unforgiveness [or hardness of human heart). The Law of Moses established guidelines to reduced rampant abuse of marriage through divorce. The Israelites divorced their Jewish wives to take pagan wives or/and remarried in order to collect dowries.

There are three types of divorce: Spiritual, Emotional and physical. Spiritual divorce occurs when the man [Spirit/image of God] in us is not link to God [who’s Spirit]. When the Spirit in us is so grieved that He becomes silence or inactive and does not control the body, all we do is fleshy. Emotional proceeds physical. Couples may be together but emotionally separated; their feelings and passion have been so hurt that they are distance from one another even though still together. They no longer care for each other and live lonely together. Physical divorce occurs where couples are physically separated; granted either by court of law or unanimously agreed. These are few biblical grounds where divorce is permissible: (a) adultery [Matt. 5: 32; 19:9] (b) desertion of a Christian by an unbelieving spouse [1Cor. 7:12-16]. Another contemporary reason that could warrant divorce is persistent physical and emotional abuse. However no matter on what grounds: immorality, desertion or abuse, none is an unforgivable sin.

Rather divorce is an acknowledgement that sin wreaks havoc in God’s design. Believe it or not, most times divorce may not be an answer to troubled relationship. Couples should give their relationship a priority and do not allow anything, I mean anything to come in between it. Marriage is like an old classic car from the first day that needs a lot of time and attention. It’s always getting older, needing constant tuning. If parked unattended to outside and exposed to weather, it becomes rusty and decay and devalued. However, if properly maintained: kept in good repair, regular tuning, polishing; regular attention: check oil, water and gas levels, tires and alignments its increase in value and serve longer. You can’t ignore it and expect it to run smoothly. Like wine beverage, the older the better. If you try to separate what has been glued or cleaved, it tears. Therefore strive to preserve the institution for the consequence of divorce is more than we can imagine. However, sometimes divorce is inevitable. It could be conceded where there are continuous abuses, lack of respect for each other and being wrong role model for the children and society.

MARRIAGE TUSSLES – WHO LOOSES and WHO GAINS?

People have different understandings about marriage tussles. It can be described as the constant squabbles, conflicts and disagreements between married couples. The less spiritually and emotionally mature the husband and wife, the greater the potential for conflict. Some blame it on men while others believe women cause it. Those who blame it on men opine they are the supposing family heads and the onus to make marriages work rest on their shoulders. They are charged to love their wives unconditionally and as their own body. They are to initiate spiritual leadership in their homes and maintain harmonious oversight over the family. They are to treat their spouses tenderly as weaker vessels; protect and provide their needs as well as ensure peaceful homes. Those who blame it on the women say while men are described as heads, the women are the necks without which the heads cannot turn and function properly. Women are charged to be submissive to their men; be wise enough to build their homes. They are home makers and great is their reward. The scripture teaches when a man finds a wife he finds a good thing and favor from the Lord. They can make or mar marriage relationship. They are urged to show respect and honor to their husbands always. Little wonder the scripture says that Sarah called Abraham [her husband] my Lord. The issues of equality, partnership in marriage and alternative marriage lifestyles create huge problems for western world  and those who came from other cultures.

Marriage tussles arise from constant and continuous conflicts between husband and wife. Conflicts could come from money management, parenting styles, leadership struggles, lack of respect and care for spouses and their families; a lot of marital inconsistencies and inadequacies. Behind these flaws are: in-submissiveness, dimness of love and unforgiveness as well as disrespect. No human union is perfect but the ability to be sensitive and quick to resolve issues as they come matters as they came is the solution.  Couples should realize that where two human beings co-exist there is bound to be errors, mistakes, stepping on others toes and perhaps genuine misgivings. After the honeymoon, the infatuations clear and ‘love fools’ disappear; couples begin to think clearly and see things differently. They attempt to right some wrongs. Things overlooked during courtship begin to draw attention. Some begin to ponder whether they made the right [wise] choice of their partners. In the process they compare their spouses with their ex-sweetheart friend. Areas of comparison bother on: character, disposition and sex life as well as compromise and free hand on money. They feel dis-satisfied in a lot of areas; blame the devil and even God for the inappropriate choices they made. “The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.”

In the midst of all these doubts, ill thoughts and life realities, they forget they are sworn for better and for worst and to uphold each other in good and bad times. They are stocked with each other. Some who failed to look beyond body or facial fancies now see the character they have to deal with for the rest of their lives. Some who made choices based on momentary values, ego and gains begin to rethink and ponder on alternatives.  Those who did not consent God when they made their choices now learn to call Him for help. They pray to God for a change but remain with the choices they made because some could be outside God’s destinies for their lives. Not all marriages are God’s designed. As they think in their minds so is their confession. As they confessed wrong choices, that affect their attitude and behaviors towards their spouses. The outcome is dissatisfaction with spouse that leads to living lonely together. “Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.”

Who looses? Marriage is bigger than just the couples. As many people as are affected by the union loose. Marriage tussles may cause disharmony, separation and divorce. A colleague and friend, Mr. James Okafor says Divorce is the highest level of rejection. When it happens the couples reject each other and severe the relationship that binds not only the two people but also relatives of the couples, the communities and the body of Christ.  The foundation of God’s designed institution is hampered; vehicles to create and maintain good families and peaceful society suffer damage.  Satan rejoices because he has succeeded in causing havoc in God’s family and institution. The stigma associated with divorce may follow a life time.

The children of divorced parents are often disorganized; these usher in a new world of dis-orientation and dis-illusion. Depending on the ages of the children many suffer nightmares and depression; unbelievably doubts on the reality of love and God.  These children feel sad especially when they see their dad and /or mom begin another relationship. The children who shared in the dance of love parents poured on each other feel chilled out and emotionally deprived. These affect their lives and comfort at home; dis-stabilized their efficiencies at school and their relationship with other children. They may make poor grades at school; feel uncomfortable staying at home and difficult in trusting any person. They increasingly gain the support of peer groups; be lured and initiated into gangs and witchcraft not knowing what they are in for. Trace the history of most gang members they are people from dis-stabilized and dis-illusion families. They constitute problems to themselves and society; suffer juvenile delinquencies and graduate into jail.

A society that most of her young ones, the future expectation and hopefuls are deep necked in crime is doomed. These groups of people fall out of faith and doubt their beliefs in God and in the salvation that comes in believing in his son, Jesus Christ. They do lip service prayers, absent from Christian gatherings and loose interest in Gods’ word and God’s people. The communities of faith loose her future cross bearers to the world; just because couples fail to live in harmony. How I wish couples reading this write up who lives in conflict and considering separation understand that their marriages were witnessed by great crowd of beings: some angelic creatures in heaven and saints of God and traditional communities on earth. As long as they continue to live in conflict and tussles, self won’t and selfish nonchalant, they are in themselves not happy and their families are in dis-harmony; the society and church family are loosing. The society suffers great groan; resulting to no-win situation.

Brethren, every marriage has peculiar problem that is unique to it. In romancing your husband, Debra White Smith advises, “When a couple is not getting along and experiences conflicts that need to be resolved, both [partners] must recognize that the value of the relationship is greater than the conflict at hand. A primary tool in conflict resolution is to identify the problem and together attack the problem instead of each other.” You must discuss it; let go and let God….  Don’t allow self won’t and unforgiveness to strip your joy and marital happiness.  In Good family don’t just happen, The Garcia-Prats writes that “Family strength is built on the three principles of: love, commitment and respect. All three are intertwined. One does not exit without the others. It takes more than love to be a good parent. People are successful at the things to which they devote most of their time and effort.” People must work hard to make marriages work. The respect couples share with each other is the respect they share with their children.  Children need to feel they are important in their parent’s lives. They need to live in the home flowing in God’s love. Couples must know that behaving as if they live only for the children [not for each other] is  deceitful;  They must first honor and respect themselves before they do so to others. People do not begin to love other people until they have loved themselves. “Your success as a family, our success as a society depend not in what happens at the White House but inside your house.” The feet find the road easy when the heart walks with them-Anonymous. Family tussles and conflict does nobody any good. Therefore let put personal idiosyncrasies out of our family life. It costs time, efforts and believe in each other; most importantly faith in God to build a loving home. “ Judge your success by what you have to give up in order getting it.” Hatred stirs up dissension but love covers over all wrongs [Proverbs 10:12].

Reach: Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com OR Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272

IS BAD MARRIAGE BETTER THAN DIVORCE: How true and to what extent?

It has been stated that sticking with a bad marriage generally is better than divorcing. This “truth” is supported by scientific observations that married people are happier, healthier and lives longer while divorce couples are sad, easily prone to sicknesses that invariably shorten their lives. Supporters of this concept say that bad marriage tends to get better as years go by; favor the traditional arguments in support of marriage preservation. They further state that marriage is made for companionship, procreation and for raising a family. The conservative community and Church family welcome this view. However the feminist and liberal women groups do not favor it because they subscribe to alternative lifestyles. Also those who were subject to abuses in marriage coupled with unending tussles and conflicts; sitting daily on gun powder and had obtained freedom from the court of the law, think that statement is unrealistic and unthoughtful. These people have worn the shoes of bad marriage and know how terrible the shoes pinch. They had experienced the harshness and nastiness of unhealthy relationship and thank God they are off the hook.

Jim Killam writing on: The case for marriage in Christianity Today comments on the book: The case for Marriage: why married people are Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher [Double day]. Their research made some provocative findings in favor of marriage: That unmarried people are far more likely to die young especially men, who on average engage in riskier behavior when single than when married. They added that statistically divorce is as dangerous to a man’s health as starting to smoke a packet of cigarette a day. Married people have more money and they make long time plan and decisions. Most importantly, they are committed to each other and also to their plans and goals. They attest that married people have more sex than singles, and also enjoy it more, both physically and emotionally. The authors supported this opinion by stating that any single act of sex cost them less in time, money and psychic energy; a long time emotional commitment of marriage brings more sexual satisfaction than found with singles or cohabiting couples.

 In further support for couples to stay married, the authors stated that in “high-conflict” marriages, divorce generally creates more problems than solves it, especially when children are involved. The children are known to become worse educationally, financially and psychologically. Indeed divorce hurts children.  Researches found that eighty- six percent [86%] of unhappy married people who stuck it out for five years reported that their marriages experienced turn around and became much better and happier. Also about seventy-seven [77%] of people who rated their marriages “very unhappy” reported a change to “very happy” or “quite happy” five years later. They opined that just because you’re not getting along now doesn’t mean if you divorce, things will be better. Also it does not mean if you stay together things will stay that bad. At the same time, there is no fast rule that if you stay put things will not get worse or out of hand. These concepts may be very difficult to accept and seem illogical to someone stuck in a terrible marriage, going through crude and disrespectful relationship.

However these views are viable to some extent; they support couples to stay married. Again whatever God designed and created should be right and very good. When we cherish marriage relationship, we applause companionship. God says in the Genesis of the scriptures, it’s not good for man to be alone. He made him a companion, a wife not a knife. What God made for man was so adorable that when he saw her, he was excited and joyfully exclaimed “This is the bone of my bones and the flesh of my flesh.” It also depicted that God hates loneliness. Loneliness is a dreaded disease and it hurts to see your dreamed beloved leave, if any element of love was still in existent. God created mankind as social being who enjoys the company of each other. They blend into each other, the more they stick together in love and peace. They share good and bad times together and enjoy the gains and the pains of togetherness. They respect and appreciate each other as well as their children. When in love they think of what to do to nourish their relationship and always ask: what shall I do to add flavor, inject or provoke more love into the other half. Together they strive to preserve their love for each other and this strengthens their relationship; boycott every intruder and external influences and invaders. The love that flow from couples, descend on the offsprings and engulf them. The children become more secure and will be able to withstand threats from outsider. Healthy marriage just don’t happen, it requires hard work on the part of the couples. Good marriage has been likened to good hand washing. It washes better when the two hands are at work; the water and the sink [or basin] must be clean. As the hands meet with the water, the two hands rub and clean each other until both hands are thoroughly washed clean.

People admire good marriages; good married couples are applaud everywhere they are present but however not every good looking marriage on the outside is healthy. Some may look good on their way to Church service or wedding ceremony. It could be just a make shift or pretense to cover up. A friend of mine calls it cheerful deceit.  Whatever it’s they are still living together, I mean lonely together. In the eyes of the public they have a good marriage but deep inside it’s liken to living in a red hot fire. Nobody in his right frame of mind loves bad marriage; it’s worst than death and could be likened to dying slowly. The couples live like co-tenants; living lonely together. Instead of love, hate takes center stage. They are incompatible and underlined is gross disrespect. Mutual respect is a great gain and juicy ingredient for living together. You can obey somebody but have no respect for him/her. But respect proceeds love; you cannot love somebody except you first of all respect him/her. Not because He/she does things right; but he/she is a human being and deserves respect. He/she is your spouse whom you have a vow to love and cherish. Not a carpet to match or piece of furniture to sit or stand on. Some people believe because they make more money than their other half, they must worship them. They love and value money than their spouses. Apart from disrespecting and abusing their spouses, they also deny them their love [sex] as punishment as well as ridicule them before their children. Others are bent on pursuing their careers; they put their personal goals over the family; spent less time with their spouses and children.

When the relationships with their spouses sour they turn on ‘do or die’ love on the children. Thank God for the gift of children; they were not given to us to use as tools. Are they trying to satisfy some mundane ulterior motives? Who are they in competition with and for what? If you do not love your spouse whom you had a marriage covenant [vows] with, how do you think you will love the offspring’s that came from the marriage? Even though women are blessed to be carriers of our offspring’s in their wombs and enjoy the associated bonding better than men, they have the ultimate responsibility to make their children see and feel sacrificial love as against selfish hate. It’s also the corporate responsibility of parents to ensure the home is hospitable for their children. They can only see and feel that love in their parents. More so, the love between husband and wife is different from the love between mother/father and child. Where parents are always in locker heads, the children see, learn and emulate strife, conflicts, hate and tussles. It’s better for a child if he/she was not born than being born into warring parenting hateful relationship. Children born into conflicts start experiencing conflict in the womb, witness and experience this inhabitable lifestyle as well as emulate it. They learn to quarrel over little matters, become aggressive and angry; fighting the ‘me-first’ war and learn to be manipulative in order to achieve their goals. Unfortunately they go to school with that bias, become stubborn and indiscipline. Many of them in want of the love and security denied them at home are lured into gangs, witchcrafts, and other sorts of cult. They live believing they should always have their ways by fair or foul means. They are prone to end up in Boot camps and later graduate into penitentiaries; may constitute societal menace or even meet untimely death.

Events have revealed that high tension or high conflict marriages breed incidents of domestic violence and homicides. When couples have had incidence of prolonged abuses and emotional torture, it’s dangerous to still have them together unless one is waiting for imminent clash or hostility to occur that will be detrimental not only to the couples but also the children.  Most couples tolerate and endure marriage because of their claimed love for children. It could be underlined by financial security or what people shall say. They live like co-tenants for years and raise children who cannot wait to leave home; some may have nothing to do with the hostile home that raised them. Again most couples in bad marriage do not go for counseling. They fear being turned into laughing stock. Even when the tussle is very glaring, they often deny them, just to keep the battered prestige, if one ever existed. Again not all who possess sign post and Call cards as counselors have the very practical experiences to handle and bring about reconciliation between couples in crises. They have theoretical knowledge [the letters of the law] and not the spirit of the law. They may not be experienced in what they have not experienced. This group of ‘arm-chaired councilors’ end up causing more troubles than offer solutions.

Most people who have become elders by virtue of long stay in foreign land and long distance from our lands of origin are not worth their salt. Many of them have been drinking that bad water of high tension marriage for years that they cannot distinguish between what is bad and good. Even if they know the truth, they may not speak because they too stand on slippery grounds. Most clergies dare not talk about the mess in marriages for fear of loosing their enablers [high tithe payers]. They keep sealed lips and watch their backs.

Neither bad, high- conflict marriage nor divorce has a good outcome. For this reason we should make our marriages work by making it a priority. We should place our marriages above money, career, children and any other business. If you love your spouse, you will love her children; care and work to provide for them. We should take our marriages seriously for the effect of divorce is catastrophic. We should love God enough to honor and respect His designed and created union. He also designed and instituted authority and principles in which good marriages is workable, flourish and sustained. If our marriages must work, we ought to abide by God’s intentions and principles. When we practice God principles and respect His authority in marriage, we could then go to Him in repentance of our failures, mend our broken lives and rebuild our temples. Neither bad marriage nor divorce is commendable. There are evidences that Satan had wrecked God’s creation.

Reach: Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com OR Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272.

A BOWEL OF RED HOT FIRE

            A bowel of red hot fire is synonymous to divorce, hurting, irritating and injurious as well as causes severe pains. Literally divorce is described as actions taken to end a bad marriage. These are bunch of vital options taken to put to rest a sick relationship. Elizabeth Marquardt writing on “New reasons to stay together {the effects of divorce on children can last a lifetime} in June 2006, Readers Digest said, “A good divorce is better than a bad one, but it still isn’t good. No matter how much love and caring divorced parents devote to a child, that can’t ease the radical restructuring of the child’s world.” It’s meaningless how much love the parents claimed to pour on the child, for the child sake they could have preserved the marriage and worked on the relationship. Again issues resulting to divorce don’t just happen over night, there are made up of accumulation of unresolved issues over time. They built stronghold because of self won’t and un-forgiveness as well as nonchalance behaviors. If couples could seek solution on daily basis on issues and misunderstandings as they come, relationship would be made easy. These backlogs are like bags of cement or instant coffee exposed to air, they start congealing and freeze up.

            I’ve come to believe that every marriage has some concrete issues and conflicts on lifestyle that never go away. Some of them were hidden pretence during courtship and thereafter; others were observed but couples believed there would go away over time. Surprisingly there becomes increasingly revolving as days go by. One person may not like certain happenings and the other makes no effort to check them; these become annoying and provoking. Findings reveal chief among them is money palaver and household chores. Money problems exist where couples pay more attention to who brings more than they do to their spouse’s feelings. It could be spending habits, style of parenting, decisions making and communications.  Initially the other couple endures and accepts things grudgingly but that could be straight to the wall. Due to bridge in communication the other becomes passive; spends time alone, becomes irritable and depressed.

            Regrettably most times the matter has been discussed over and over again but the other couple keeps doing the same thing with reckless abandon. In another situation, couples continue to harp on each others weaknesses than appreciate their strengths. They pray for their individual weaknesses to disappear but that result in illusions. Sometimes weaknesses help to promote hidden strengths but could backfire to problems. Some good divorces could be attributed to constant domestic violence and abuse. Rapha Ministries describes Domestic violence as an abuse of power within relationship of family trust or dependency; that includes: wrong use, mistreatment, corrupt practice and insulting language etc used by persons on another. Abuse could be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual as well as financial. Domestic violence is a crime against the state with serious repercussions. When we talk about abuse our first thought is about women. Truly records reflect that about 85% of women suffer abuses. But an open secret reveals, “a great number of African men in western world suffer abuses from their spouses and they weep in solitary silence.” This is rampant among those who bake more bacon than their men. It does not matter whether they were supported by those spouses to climb the ladder.  “Thisis a new world, a woman country where we are free to live our lives and pursue our careers; it does not matter what you think about it;’ even at the detriment of their families.”Come to think of it, is this new world enough to cost your marriage?

On the other hand, some little minded men think because they went to the country to fetch “working machines,” its time to put those horses to work, to pay their dues. Again it’s normal for a man to work 2 to 3 jobs to keep the family, but becomes exception for a woman. We have on good records that many of our women work hard to support their families; they shall earn their rewards and it shall be permanent. On a bad note some couples talk and behave rudely as well as nonchalance to their spouses even in the watchful eyes of their children. This is sad and totally unacceptable; the repercussion on children is enormous. Also children suffer this dilemma by being hit or forced to, talk to carelessly and punishment. If not checked or no quick intervention, it could result to depression and anxiety, restlessness and hopelessness as well as suicide. The kids start behaving badly at school, earn poor grades and join bad peer groups; feel uneasy to stay at home and become nuisance to the community or may end-up in jail. Our children deserve good home where couples respect each other and their children.

            If we wonder why victims of abuse do not leave? They could be trying to preserve cultural and religious values and contain the associated pressures: what people would say, financial coexistence and self [bartered] prestige. Again they may remain in that situation because of fear for their lives, that of the children, and their future. The reality of domestic violence homicides that occur after the victims left their abusers indicate that leaving does not guarantee safety. Recent strange reports of some African men who murdered their wives after unresolved conflicts are common place. Conflict is one messy, dirty game; nagging, nit picking, whining blame and belittling adds insults to injuries and create uncertainties. Back home in Africa divorce is a near taboo and not rampant but a common phenomenon in the western world supposingly applied in extreme situations. Divorce has becomes a necessary evil, an ill wind that does nobody any good but better than lost of human lives.

Many among these folks attend church services regularly. Some have stood as Godparents for many children at dedication and mentor teens. Others are community leaders and corporate executives. In the church they lift holy hands in prayers yet face conflicts and involved in family violence at homes. Life is too precious to waste; instead of fighting all the time, being bugged by the others presence and behavior, living a lonely together lifestyle and struggling in agony, you could contact an experienced Christian counselor for mediation. Beware that not all who claims or put sign post as counselors are so disposed. If that failed to work, you could have some time out or stay apart and see whether you still need each other. It’s a notable fact that most divorce couples regret their actions thereafter and are still hanging around with men or women friends awaiting the perfect replacement. That may not mean the marriage is over; the turmoil in marriage can be the start of a new phase rather than the beginning of the end. A good divorce may be an option but there’s a more excellent way………… [1 Cor. 12:31].

Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill can be reached by email: gkapin53@yahoo.com