True Relationship: Apology and forgiveness.
My parents taught us three [3] great phrases: I’m sorry, thank you and excuse me. We learnt from home that I’m sorry is a form of apology. When we do something wrong, we should say to the offended person: ‘I’m sorry.’ The same I’m sorry was repeatedly taught in schools. These were preparing us for real life situation. When you say or do some wrong to someone, even while playing or studying, you should say it without waiting for the offended person[s] to ask for it. Some people are quick to say ‘please forgive me’ or ‘pardon me.’ However ‘I’m sorry’ could mean sorry for being caught in the act [remorse] or I regret my actions; I shall try not to do it again. [Repentance]. The first explains why some do not accept I’m sorry as an apology. These people consider the phrase so common to come from the heart. They think it’s a mind game and said for saying sake without regards to the consequences of the actions or misbehavior.
Most times when people say I’m sorry, you may not see the reflection on their bodies. Some say it so arrogantly that one is tempted to doubt or wonder whether the person really meant it. So when such person says I’m sorry it seems he/she hasn’t apologized. Such apologies often fall flat and lack motivation of the offended to forgive or be accepted indeed regret. In every communication, our body language expressions speak louder and add credence to what we say. A Roman Catholic who attends confession walks humbly and speaks in sobriety to the priest to show sincerity from the heart. However some people may be sincere but their body language speaks the opposite.
Writing in Marriage Partnership under the column Twenty-four seven: the fastest road to forgiveness, Gary D. Chapman said he and Dr Jennifer Thomas discovered that people have different apology languages. They found out after two years of research work that a person may be sincerely apologizing and yet, the apology isn’t perceived as sincere because it’s spoken in wrong language. They discovered five distinct language of apology:
[i] Expressing Regret: I’m sorry; I feel bad that my behavior hurt you deeply. It identifies with the emotions of the offended person[s]. You don’t only say it you feel it and is seen in you [ii] Accepting Responsibility: I was wrong in what I did or said. Name your mistake and accept your fault. Do not generalize your apology as if you do not know or not sure of what your lapse is. What I did was wrong. I should have known better. You could say: I’m ashamed of my behavior and feel terrible. [iii] Making Restitution: Your actions may have caused pains or hurts and could destroy or break a long time relationship. You could ask: what could I do to make this right? How do I make this up to you? How could I restore your confidence in me? [iv] Genuine Repentance: I will try not to do it again. It calls for a change in behavior. I don’t like this to happen again. I shall make effort to change the behavior or attitude. [v] Requesting Forgiveness: Will you please forgive me? I realize I can’t restore this relationship alone; it requires mercy on your part. I need that affirmation from you. I sincerely desire your forgiveness and let us continue our relationship, putting what happened behind us.Most apologizers speak more than one apology language, but they may not fix the lapse if these aren’t the languages the offended person[s] wants to hear. Even if he/she forgives or pretends to forgive you, he/she may still doubt your sincerity. It becomes necessary to speak the language of the offended person and get the matter off the way once and for all.
In Marriage relationship, apology and forgiveness is a daily decision. Couples first go to God to ask for forgiveness of sins and with that grace forgives each other. As they approach the throne of grace, they learned God’s language that Jesus taught his disciples: and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors [Matthew 6:12]. Most Christians do not pay close attention to this statement. This is likening to swearing an oath. One of Jesus’ last words on the cross is: Forgive them for they know not what they do. The scripture says: all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory [Rom3:12]. While we were in sin Christ died for us [Rom 5:8]. If we say we have no sin we lie. But if we confess [apologize] our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive all are wrong doings [1 John1:8-9]. I’m writing to you little children because for His name’s sake your sins are forgiven [pardoned through His name and on account of confessing His name] – 1 John 2:12.
Most couples seldom apologize. They may lack this word in their dictionaries but I know our bible ask us to confess to one another. Some cry, frown and complain but may not say they are sorry. They think it is a sign of weakness to apologize; so they claim rights and fight it out. Others wish to apologize but find it difficult to learn the language of their spouses. Or be able to apply it when needed. Instead of apologizing, they blame their spouses or find excuses to justify their misdeeds. Others say they are sorry but the body language speaks differently. These occur where couples have no respect and regards for the other; where a couple appears to control the other and is insensitive to the plight of the other person. It could happen where the couples do not care about the relationship and the success of the marriage.
Gary Chapman PhD co-author of the Five Language of Apology wrote: “It isn’t enough to be sincere. You must express your sincerity in a language your spouse can understand.” While some couples are satisfied with I’m sorry, others desire and demand more than that. They want to hear I’m sorry. I realize I hurt you and I feel bad about it. What do I do to make it right? Will you forgive me? It may not be difficult to learn the body language of your spouse: Just ask him/her when you apologize to someone, what do you typically say or do? When somebody apologizes to you, what do you expect to hear him/her say to you? The answers to these two questions will reveal primary apology language. In Forgiveness poem, Laura Mazoch says: “Forgiving the one who hurt you is not an easy thing to do; it’s however God’s way- but the choice is up to you. When you hold onto the hurt and you won’t let it go, it turns to bitterness and your problems start to grow………I experienced a way that truly set free; by turning it over to Jesus the one who died for me.” His Last words, “Forgive them for they know not what they do.’ Can you think of anyone who suffered more injustice than you? ”Let go, let Jesus handle it.
In Intimate Moments with the Savior, Ken Gire prayed: Dear Lord Jesus, I confess with shame that there are times I have stood in the midst, condemned. And there are times I have stood in the crowd, condemning. There are times my heart has been filled with adultery, hate greed and covetousness. And there are times my hands have been filled with stones yet I live in a glass house. Forgive me for a heart that is so prone to wander, so quick to forget my vows. Forgive me too for my eagerness in bringing you the sins of others and my reluctant to bring you my own. Forgive me for times I have stood judging others; others I’m not qualified to judge yet I do the same thing in secret. Help me to live more like you, full of grace and compassion……………………. Thank you for those sweet words of forgiveness: go and sin no more.
Reach Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill at:weefreeministries@yahoo.com OR
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