THE REALITY OF LOVE

Welcome to the month of February. February is the second month of the year in the Julian and Gregorian calendars, with 28 days in common years and with the quadrennial 29th day being called the leap day. The word February comes from the Roman festival of purification called Februa, during which people were ritually washed and cleansed. Every year on 14 February people celebrate this day, St Valentine’s Day by sending messages of love and affection to partners, family and friends. It is an annual festival to celebrate romantic love, friendship and admiration.  While Valentine’s Day is celebrated in most countries, different cultures have developed their own traditions for this festival. In some parts of the world Valentine’s Day is observed as a day for expressing love between family members and friends, rather than that of romantic couples.. Many couples choose to celebrate Valentine’s Day with dinner, a picnic or special home-cooked meal. Many restaurants offer Valentine’s Day dinner promotions and food is often presented with symbols of love like hearts and flowers. Another popular Valentine’s Day activity is for couples to get away from home and enjoy some quality time together in a luxury hotel stay in a beautiful location. Marriage proposals are often made on Valentine’s Day, considered as the perfect day to express their love and commitment. This year, this time around, I shall attempt to reflect on the Reality of love. “People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.”— Joseph F. Newton Men.

We live in a world of romance and sex. What we call love is how we feel in the newness of an encounter. It soon wears off and there’s not much to build on. We desire new things and get aroused and stimulated by them. It may distract us from the ordinary reality of life. According to Ann Smith, on Reality of love, “We become easily disillusioned with sameness which of course is part of humanity. We are in a chronic state of desiring and waiting. When we like something, we want more of it. We tend to be happy with newness and be looking for the next fix as soon as something or someone becomes too familiar.” We seem to forget that whatever is new today is on the journey of being old next day, next month or next year. Some prefer living in fantasy hoping that would make them happy. When it doesn’t we are quick to search for other limited options or alternatives, better still call them substitutes. To a great extend we cannot distinguish between romantic fantasy and real love. “A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.”- Colin Powell

Ann Smith added, “The excitement of infatuation feels better than any drug but it can be deceiving. The mere fact that there tend to be chemistry between two people does not necessary mean that there is a good relationship. Sometimes what we want and what is good for us (we need) are in conflict.”  The sad news is that we are capable of showing that similar chemistry with other people that we have known for a little while. We are happy and excited when we begin a relationship. The other person may not know much of you but believes you’re great. At this point there is not much to gain or build on but there is so much to loss. However, the good news is a relationship that begins with the excitement of infatuation which of course is not an affair, and thrives as the gist begins to fade will gain an amazing warm memory to remember when he/she reflects on the brief moment they enjoy together through the years.

Very often, in our minds, we have a picture image of what we think we love or how we think ideal love should be. Most times when we are faced with real life situation (experience) it is nothing to compare with what we had hoped for and we get disappointed. Everyone desires love but many have not experienced real love or been in love before. We watch love movies or love couples dance the good dance of love and desire such love but have no idea what it takes to be in real love. Most of us, the only love we have experienced is mother’s love while growing up or lack of it. We sometimes and somehow seem to measure our sense of love from what we have seen in our parents, uncles or older brethren. That’s why some young men would be looking for a wife material like their mom. In most cases it ends up in illusion since you may not ever see one who is like your mom.  We care and love each other and could play back old memories of sharing deepest secrets. These assumptions become fairly tales unfolding. However, those who had watch from sideline bitter experiences of love-turned-hate of parents, or relations may become so afraid to aspire the dance and challenge of real love.

Real love is about someone who you know you can be yourself with. According to Alyssa Ho, on The Reality of love…., “You want to find someone who will be when you’re at your happiest but more than that, you want someone who will be there when things are at rock bottom, when you’re struggling to deal with life’s setback and struggles and when you are perhaps, not in your finest form. The reason being that the two of you will see a part of each other at your weakest, angriest, most vulnerable, confused, lost, broken, bitter, rude or hateful but you will love and feel the same about one another when all is said and done.” Ho added, “We need to take love for what it is. When we find someone, it’s about knowing that we will be embarking upon a journey with this person, including his or her flaws, faults, regrets, and mistakes his or her worst side and our disagreements.”

Real love is about someone who you know you can be yourself with. According to Alyssa Ho, on The Reality of love…., “You want to find someone who will be when you’re at your happiest but more than that, you want someone who will be there when things are at rock bottom, when you’re struggling to deal with life’s setback and struggles and when you are perhaps, not in your finest form. The reason being that the two of you will see a part of each other at your weakest, angriest, most vulnerable, confused, lost, broken, bitter, rude or hateful but you will love and feel the same about one another when all is said and done.” Ho added, “We need to take love for what it is. When we find someone, it’s about knowing that we will be embarking upon a journey with this person, including his or her flaws, faults, regrets, and mistakes his or her worst side and our disagreements.”

Ho continues, “The biggest task is finding that someone who we will love through the worst and darkest moments, falling in love with that same person, despite his or her flaws constantly unfolding along the journey in that true love, you will feel surrendered and notice that your rigid should’s, would’s and have to’s start to become more flexible as you bend to accommodate the one you love. You begin to know your own reality of love when you feel it, see life differently, loosening grip on your old reality, and experience a lot of surprise on how you feel about yourself. You begin to feel free and bound, empowered and helpless yet courageous and fearful. Like a rollercoaster, some love the thrill and danger of it, as potential pains yet have learned to enjoy the rollercoaster that is real love.” “Love isn’t about who you envision spending the rest of your life with; it’s about who you imagine being unable to live a life without.”

According to Lisa Firestone, on True love and Fantasy bond, “There is a misconception in our culture concerning the reason why intimate relationships deteriorate and end. The typical relationship cycle is depicted as follows: Two people meet. They fall in love. They enjoy a certain portion of exhilarating time together. Then, reality sets in. The spark fades. Routine takes over. Fights begin. And love ends. A common conclusion surrounding the downfall of relationships is based on the distorted notion that falling in love has more to do with living in fantasy, and falling out of love has more to do with facing reality. The truth, however, is almost always just the opposite.” She adds, “When two people fall in love, they’re very often the most simultaneously open, vulnerable, interested, and independent versions of themselves. They are on their own side, going after what they want, and consequently showing the best aspects of themselves.  When a couple meets, they are typically more independent and respectful of each other than they will be as their relationship develops. “True love is probably the hardest thing to find in this world; but it’s also the most gratifying and most beautiful experience you could ever share with another person.”

Lisa Firestone continues, “As they let their guard down and get close to someone else, people let go of long engrained defenses that have held them back throughout their lives. Whether it’s overcoming a fear of getting involved, breaking a pattern of only dating one’s polar opposite, or finally being willing to open up to someone else, these are the personal tipping points that often send people tumbling into love, and this feeling of love is inarguably real to those who experience it.” For example, when a couple first gets together, they may enjoy feeling romantic, looking into each other’s eyes, exchanging compliments and outwardly expressing affection. However, as time passes and one’s defenses kick in, they may start to feel less comfortable with eye contact, more disbelieving of compliments, and less open to affection. Qualities they once adored become traits they are guarded against, and quite often, even critical of.

Nothing good in life comes easy, and if you want a happy love-life, you’re going to have to prepare yourself for all of the bad things that come attached to falling in love and getting into a relationship with someone. “All relationships are always going to require a lot of work, but the best relationships are always the ones who make things work.” So many men and women today are falling in love with a dream; falling in love with someone or something that doesn’t really exist, by taking the image of someone they don’t actually know and giving them the character of who they want them to be. When fantasy becomes our reality, we may find we’ve fallen in love with a dream, fallen in love with an idea, but ultimately- fallen in love with a lie. There is something provocative about living in a dream, but there is something even more paralyzing about it. When we live in a dream, we lose sight of what’s real. We exchange our realities for something that can never actually exist.  We live for what could be, and end up missing what really is.  And in the end we are led into disappointment, disillusionment, and destruction. We set ourselves up for failure by seeking to find this thing that doesn’t actually exist, setting expectations that cannot be met by ourselves, much less anyone else. “True love doesn’t happen right away; it’s an ever-growing process. It develops after you’ve gone through many ups and downs, when you’ve suffered together, cried together, laughed together”.- Ricardo Montalban