Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?
As I celebrate another Father’s Day, I reflect on a Christian husband. Many times a Christian husband is also a father. The roles of husband and father are interwoven. Dr Tony Evans on Christian Marriages writes, “God’s definition of manhood is the ability to put divine truth into action at home and on the job.” According to Robert Driskell in The Role of Husband in a Christian marriage, “Being a follower of Jesus Christ changes a person. It changes the believer’s priorities and focus, it changes the way in which the believer relates to others, it changes everything about how the believer lives. Therefore, the believing husband should have distinct characteristics evident in his marriage, characteristics that come from his relationship with Jesus.” Also Jack Wellman in How to love your wife, writes, “The Bible commands men to love their wives as Christ loves the church. This is a very difficult command to obey because Christ gave His own life for the church. In fact He died for it. The church is spoken of as the Bride of Christ and Jesus is the Bridegroom and the two are engaged to one another. The marriage feast of the Lamb of God will take place after the consummation of the marriage at His return. The kind of love that Christ has for the church is the divine kind of love; a self sacrificing and unconditional love that humans can only hope to mimic. So how are husbands to love their wives the way that Jesus loves the church?” He adds, “There is no better marriage advice for husbands given anywhere, by anyone, at anytime, than in the Bible. There is wisdom for husbands in how they should love their wives that is unlike any advice you will find in the world; the Holy Bible.”
In this presentation, I shall attempt to define a Christian husband, the qualities that make a good Christian husband and the challenges he faces in the 21st century.
A Christian Husband: The word “husband” could mean so many things to so many people. I shall, however, describe a good husband as a good man who is married to a good woman or simply a married man. A Christian husband is a Christian man joined to a Christian woman in marriage – a male spouse. She becomes his companion and completion, the two shall become one. From the genesis of life, it was God’s plan and intent that a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall become one flesh [Genesis 2:24; Ephesians 5:31]. This is to satisfy the need that it is not good for man to be alone. God dislikes loneliness but cherishes togetherness. The Lord God said, “It is not good for a man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” – Genesis 2:18.
The word husband has been widely misconstrued, misunderstood, and misapplied. In the new-era’s society known as the ‘now generation’ alternative and unholy lifestyles receive unhealthy and unethical welcome. Also the institution of fatherhood is under serious attack and depleting in significance. Notwithstanding, the roles and duties of fathers are critical and essential to the family and society. Wherever they are ignored and neglected, huge negative consequences await the society. Throughout the scriptures, however, the best description of a husband is found in the book of Isaiah 54. In verse 5, Prophet Isaiah describes God as the husband of Israel. He’s God Almighty, the Redeemer, the Holy one of Israel and the God of all earth.
The position of the husband in the home and his related responsibilities are quite clearly defined in principle in Ephesians 5:22, 28-31. Here, Paul says the Christian’s model for husbandly conduct is Jesus Christ Himself. In other words, God expects Christian husbands to love their wives sacrificially, fully, and unconditionally, the same way our Savior loves us. Little wonder Walt Larimore on Husband and Wives are hardwired to complement each other summed up, “Job No. 1 for a husband is to sacrificially love his wife — above his work, children, recreation or hobbies. After our personal relationship with God, our wife should be our first priority. Is this easy? Nope. At times it can seem impossible (at least it is in our own power and strength). It requires God’s supernatural love acting in and through us.” The Bible also says, “Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body” (Ephesians 5:28-30). So I am to love my wife as my own body — for indeed she is one with me. “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” – Ephesians 5:33.
Qualities of a Good Christian Husband
Prophet Isaiah’s chapter 54 descriptions portray what a godly husband should look like, aspire to be or become. The good Christian husband must among other qualities, be honest, faithful and loyal to his spouse and family. He should build trust and confidence around his spouse, display godly character and train his children in the fear of God. The key qualities of a good Christian husband could be summarized as follows:
A Protector: God designed and created marriage and in His blue print had a coupling of two distinct designs – one male and one female [Genesis 1:27]. A good Christian husband protects and guards his home, spouse and family from all odds; shields his spouse and family from outside infiltrators and unfriendly friends like a bird protects her young with her wings; shielding them from chilly and inclement weather. He should not be an uncaring tyrant, wild beast or an over controlling macho man.
James Walker in his book titled, Husband who won’t Lead and Wife who won’t Follow said, “Deep within each man and woman is a common longing: the desire to find comfort, companionship and fulfillment. God installed this longing in us for a purpose: one of the purposes of marriage for a man is to become as truly masculine as he can be. Likewise, a woman’s fulfillment in marriage comes as she become as distinctively feminine as she can be. Each will have a unique role and definable function.” He added, “Throughout recorded history, society has depended on male protection and what men by their strength provide. In the short span of the last hundred years, we have taken away a man’s hunting rifle and put him in a computer, which may have obscured but not removed him from the role of a protector.”
A Preserver in Faith: A good Christian husband must be God-fearing; holding the faith and having a good conscience, preferably a born again. He must be the head and have spiritual oversight over the family [Ephesians 5:23; 1 Corinthians 11:3]. It is impossible for the husband to head without the neck’s [wife’s] submission to his authority, less they experience conflicts. He should however, be a leader not a boss or dictator.
I say to every Christian, ‘Do not even at all think of marrying an unbeliever with the hope that you will convert him.’ Even though it is not impossible, it may be an uphill task that could turn out to become a disappointment. Again, the scripture warns that we should not be equally yoked with unbelievers [2 Corinthians 6:14-16; 1 Corinthians 2:14]. You may say he was born into a Christian home; his father is a bishop or the founding member of a Church denomination. It could also be that his mother is a woman leader in a Church. He may be a Church-goer and religious but if he is not saved, it is not good enough; God does not approve of it. More so marrying an unbeliever is disobedience to God’s instruction. We should resist whatever pressure or inclination to work against God’s commandment, whether it is riches, firm, gain or ego. It will end up hindering the achievement of your goals. The person must be someone who is established in the faith and matured in the Lord. Remember, if the head is deep in faith it shall overflow and affect the whole body.
Must be spiritually and physically matured: The American Heritage College Dictionary describes “maturity” as a state of having attained full natural growth or development; of having reached a desired or final condition and completion. It relates to or is characteristic of the full development of physical, mental and spiritual growth suitable for adults – have reached a maximum development of the form that no longer subject’s to great expansion or development. Marriage is not a boy and a girl [amateur] relationship or for those still sucking mama’s milk [or mamma’s boy]; or those who have no will of their own. A man in marriage must not only be spiritually but must also be physically matured. He must be able to know who he is; exercise his authority as God’s symbol; know his privileges and boundaries [Genesis1:28-30; 2:7-8]. He must understand the signs of the times and be able to discern the gimmicks of intruder [Genesis 3:1ff]. He must be able to give sense of directions, keep communication open, and answer responsibly on behalf of the wife and children [Genesis 3:8-10]. “I’ve had a hard life, but my hardships are nothing against the hardships that my father went through in order to get me to where I started. — Bartrand Hubbard
A good Christian husband must be able to give his spouse affection and love, understand the game of love; conduct and rule his household after God’s will/desire. He must be so matured and have understanding as to bear any shock arising from his intimate knowledge of his wife. Some men are overgrown baby boys who still have to confer with their parents before reaching decisions with their wives. The scripture says, “For this reason a man [not a boy or a baby] shall leave His father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife (not his parents, brothers, uncles & aunties, etc) and they shall become one flesh [Genesis 2:24; Matthew 12:47-50].
A Provider: A man should have a viable means of livelihood or job prospects. A good Christian husband provides for the needs and avails the support systems needed in the home to the best of his ability. This will enable him fulfill his responsibility to the spouse and family. From the genesis of life, God gave man the responsibility of cultivating the earth [Genesis 2:15]; his nature of masculinity drives him to provide for his family’s needs. It gives him great satisfaction and respect to perform the function of a provider. The book, Building a fulfilling marital relationship says, ‘God has confidence in the Christian man, expecting him to provide leadership, care, and love for his wife and the home entirely on behalf of the Lord.’ He is to responsibly seek help, salvation and divine covering for her.”
It should be understood that whatever a wife is, has, does, or achieves is to the glory of the husband. She is a companion and a helper to the husband. She should not be made to bear alone the whole family’s financial responsibility. A man should be able to work and contribute his own quota to the family’s needs. In fact, women look forward to receiving something, no matter how small, to add to the family upkeep. When a woman has more economic power than the husband, they are often tempted or inclined to assuming leadership of the home. No woman is happy to bear alone the financial burden of the family. Every woman wants to help and support the husband in running the house.
Compassionate: A preacher once said, “if your husband is not your Moses [the most compassionate man and leader in the scripture], then you will experience problems in your marriage. A compassionate man is one who exhibits love in action. He loves his wife as himself; bear, respect and treat her as his own body. A man who must not count wrongs but deals with his wife in wisdom, understanding, giving to her and treating her as a weaker vessel…….[1Peter 3:7-9]. He takes away all her fears by showing her compassionate love – even if you get angry, let it be for a short while. God is love [1 John 4:8, 16] and love has no fears [1 John 4:18]. He must be a man who will not bear bitterness in his heart towards his wife but must treat her tenderly, always forgiving her [Colossians 3:19]. We should not lose sight that we are a forgiven people, saved by the grace of God. A compassionate man is one who does things without grudges, grumbling, complaining or disputing [Philippians 2:14; Colossians 3:19].
Show love and respect for family: A man who loves his family will protect his wife and children. He will ensure he works to provide for their needs. Such a man would have great love for the family – wife, children and be willing to support them [Colossians 3:19; Ephesians 5:25]. He will respect the opinions of his wife and create time to listen to his wife and children. He will respect not only his immediate family, but also the families of in-laws and his extended family. You could force someone to obey another but you cannot force him/her to respect another person. You cannot claim to love someone until you first respect the person. A good Christian husband shows his wife committed-love and mutual respect [Ephesians 5:25, 28; 1 John 3:18]. He treats his wife as his own body [Genesis 2:23] and cherishes his wife, keeps her warm and comfortable with tender, loving care. It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father. – Pope John XXIII
Supporter of wife’s dream: Some men hold to the fact that God created a woman out of a man to be his helper and to serve him. Yes, this is half the truth. She was created out of man to become part of him and be a companion and completion. A woman may have a dream and a vision for the good of her man and family. Such vision, if supported may turn out to be a blessing to the man and the family. The family could be enhanced by the trade of the woman. A good Christian husband should support his wife to acquire necessary skills that will help achieve her dreams. Women who acquire the right skills are in high demand in work places. They can also start their own business and become employers of labor.
A good Christian husband therefore helps his spouse find fulfillment and satisfaction in life. He removes her reproach and shame because he leaves and cleaves to her. He establishes her as number one priority. [Ephesians 5:31; Romans 7:2]. The insinuation that men are jittery if their spouses possess higher skills and earn more income is not universal. This becomes problematic if she allows the higher skill or income get into her head that making her controlling or bossy to her husband. I have witnessed incidences where men have helped their wives to achieve their dreams; climbed to enviable heights only to turn around and look down on their husbands. In most cases, these wives behave as if their husbands were no longer part of them or their successes. They easily forget who placed the ladder that took them to the top. Again, supporting each other’s dreams, whether of acquiring higher skills or making more money should not override the importance of raising a strong family.
Honest and Trustworthy: A woman needs someone whom she can trust. The person must be honest, reliable and sincere. He shall neither lie nor possess a doubtful character. He must speak the truth always and hold a high sense of morality. In our world, people lie in words, actions, and silences. A good Christian husband must be responsible and accountable for his words and actions. He must be a transparent Christian without deceit and guile; someone whose love for God shall make him to tell the truth at all times and who strives to live in righteousness.
Have an achievable goal: Some men have goals that would be mysterious to achieve; whereas others have no goals at all. They are either double-minded or are rolling stones that only gather dust. A man must cultivate the habit of setting goals and having plans to work on. There are short and long term plans. “People do not generally plan to fail but fail to plan”. A vision brings forth a mission and where there is a vision there is a provision. Do not forget that the glory goes not to the planter or the one who waters but to the one who gives the increase. With God all things are possible.
Self-Control and discipline: Most people live by feelings and sight. But a man of faith learns how to be obedient and where to draw the line. He must be a man of faith, not given to drunkenness and must restrict himself to moderation. He must watch and be careful to exercise control over the three “Ws’: women, wine and weed.
A good Christian husband should be a man who can exercise authority over his household and have the practice of tarrying before God on his knees. He must not be greedy for money, not violent, not quarrelsome…… [1 Timothy 3:2-7]. Robert S. McGee in his book, Discipline with love opines that appropriate discipline establishes limits and boundaries that curtail unacceptable behavior [indiscipline]. These limits when internalized form a healthy self-control. A husband should not take revenge and punishment as a way to get respect and submissiveness. Godly discipline is rooted in love-in-action and produces respect, understanding, and submissiveness.
Compliments: He must be a man who can appreciate his spouse and her efforts. He must not only have it in mind but say it out to her. A good Christian man honors and values his spouse [1Peter 3:7]; and treats her as a precious jewel [Proverbs 18:22].
He must learn to express three unique phrases: Thank you [or I appreciate], I am sorry and Excuse me. He should render to his spouse, the affection due to her; and uphold her in good and bad times [1 Corinthians 7:3]. He should be able to nourish and cherish his wife spiritually, physically, and emotionally.
Friend and confidant: Most couples are just husband and wife, but not friends. Their relationship has not graduated into intimacy. They cannot dance the dance of love: sharing, serving, and honoring each other. They should grow to become part and parcel of each other; as well as know themselves. A man, who should be driven by love, becomes a confidant and trusted friend to his spouse. A good Christian husband should be his spouse’s best friend; does not store, prolong conflicts or hanker anger [Colossians 3:19; Philippians 2:14]; and showing her richness in mercies by daily forgiveness [Ephesians 4:32; Proverbs 10:12].
A Leader and Head: A husband is a head and leader to his wife and the entire household. Leadership in God’s kingdom is not by ruling and ‘lording over’ others. In God’s kingdom and household, a leader demonstrates exemplary skills. Remember you delegate what you can do and not what you cannot do. Your leadership must be driven by compassion. To love is to obey God’s commandments. God has commanded us to love our wives as Christ loves the Church. Just like in the Trinity, God the Father is the head, though they are equal. The same way we have in marriage, the husband is the head of the family. The head is the highest point in the body and co-ordinates all the body parts. He also gives the body a right sense of belonging and identity [Ephesians 1:22, 5:23; 1 Corinthians 11:3]. “The head must also appreciate the indispensability of the body because no head can achieve anything without the body. Neither can the body do anything without the head.” “I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments when they aren’t trying to teach us. We are formed by the little scraps of wisdom.” ~ Umberto Eco
Challenges facing today’s Christian husbands
“We need fathers to realize that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child, it’s the courage to raise one.” – President Barak Obama
God ordained the sacred institution of marriage, made the rules and the authority for the growth of mankind and well-being of the society we live in. The greatest issue in today’s Christian marriage is the challenge to the authority and headship of a man in marriage. Funny enough, man did not make himself the head, God did that. So, we now know where to channel our protests and petitions. No man can head the family successfully without the flexibility of the neck (submission and support of a woman). Unfortunately, this issue has crumbled many homes.
To be an ideal husband does not suggest being a superhero or a tantalizing persona or one who showers his wife with diamonds, flowers and cozy dinners to cover his deficiencies, irresponsibility, or unexplained home absence. Rather, it takes the total commitment of both Christian husband and Christian wife to each other, as well as to Jesus; selfless and sacrificial love, to build and sustain a home. Both couples must believe that marriage is for life and must have a strong desire and patience to make it work. The environment we live and operate in has changed a great deal. Most women are more career-oriented and independent such that the role of supporting and caring for the home is mutually shared. Gone are the days when making money was by physical strength; it’s now by intelligence, knowledge and certification. Some wives bring home more income than their husbands. Some of such women have the tendencies to believe or equate ‘baking more bacon’ to headship. This misconstrued idea has brought much of the conflicts and ‘cold wars’ that have crippled many marriages.
In today’s world, being a good husband does not just end in the ability to bring home a monthly [or biweekly] pay check or providing financial support for the family. As women become more educated and exposed, they have the ability and means to support them financially. Monetary provisions are no longer the only determinants of a good husband. After all, some women are single parents and heads of households; working hard to provide financial care for their homes.
Although, being a good husband involves financial support, it also includes the ability to communicate and listen pensively to your wife; performing and sharing in household chores; being affectionate with spouse; and bonding with your children. Obviously, this could be tougher for husbands whose wives make higher incomes and have embraced some measure of independent lifestyles. This is because, a great number of them are expected to clean, cook, babysit, and tolerate their wives’ complaints and feminism, as well as live in subjection to her whims. Luckily though, we find some exceptions in the women whose priority is to build their homes, be good helpmates to their spouses, and respect the authority or man’s role in marriage.
A good husband must recognize and support his wife’s creativity, talents, and goals; but not at the expense of his own vision and goals. He must share his strengths and weaknesses with his wife. That makes him more responsible, affectionate, and sensitive towards his spouse. He must create and spend quality time with his wife and shall not allow the stress of the work place to affect his role and responsibility as a good father and husband. He should not be threatened by his wife’s career and achievements or allow any competition between them. As a matter of fact, these are all blessings and benefits for marrying her. A wise woman builds her home…the foolish tears hers down [Proverbs 14:1]. A virtuous woman gains her husband’s trust and full confidence….she brings him good not harm, all the days of her life…….[Proverbs 31:11-16].
He must be cautious enough to ensure that his communications bring security, seasoned comfort, and peace to his spouse. Finally, two cannot succeed until they agree and play together. The biggest task an ideal husband has is to carry his wife along in thought, purpose, and activity. Some women are conscious of this concern and often use it to demean men, especially, those in leadership positions in Churches, the community, and corporate world.
Most times, husbands are held accountable for the collapse of the marriage relationship even when it was glaringly masterminded by their spouses. Remember that in biblical days, Adam was held accountable for Eve’s misdeeds while High Priest, Eli and Job were accountable for the behaviors of their children. Today, unfortunately, the sentiments remain the same. The husband is the head and is charged with the oversight of the family. It does not matter whether a wife makes more money, has better credentials or higher chains of achievements, she is a wife and a helpmate. When the head fails, the body fails. The task of building and sustaining a home must be done firstly, spiritually; secondly, emotionally; and thirdly, physically.
In conclusion, it must be realized that even if divorce occurs, remember that the end of the marriage is not the end of the family. Children are most time involved. Consequently, it is advisable that divorce parents should remain cordial and peaceful with one another to enable them raise their children responsibly. When divorce parents are hostile to one another, children at the center of the commotion are in danger and confusion of not knowing which parent to adhere to. These are some of the daily challenges husbands face in our emerging world and society. “My dad, like any coach, has always stressed the fundamentals. He taught me responsibility, accountability, and the importance of hard work.” ~ Steve Young
“As our society departs increasingly from the ways of God, more misery will deeply injure and depress human experience. May the Christian church be ready always to care for sinners and sufferers without a self-righteous ‘I told you so.’ May we who follow Christ receive all penitents with tenderness and practical help. But we need more than an emergency room for people wounded by the sexual revolution. We also need a widespread return to the ancient wisdom we all have foolishly disobeyed.” – Ivan Mesa on Ray Ortlund: Marriage & the mystery of the gospel.