Responsible parenting:
Wilfred A Peterson once said in practicing the art of parenthood, ‘an ounce of example is worth a ton of preachment.’ The old philosophy, “Do as I say, not as I do” does not hold water anymore. Our children do what they observe us do. In effect our children mirror what we do and practice them. Catherine Musco Garcia- parts and Joseph Garcia prats in good families don’t just happen opined, “Children are always watching us-the adults and can easily spot hypocrites and discrepancies.” They further said, “If we want our children to be responsible, we must accept and fulfill our responsibilities to our spouse, children and communities.” Since our children constantly watch us and are interested in what we do, we must continuously strive to do good things so as to become better individuals. Our children emulate us, so we must set good examples for them.
Good parents do not mean we don’t have personal weakness, but it poses the challenge to work and improve on them. When we make mistakes we should own up to them. Through generic hormones, we observe similar attitude in our children, and should appreciate where that comes from and know that we’ve been struggling to improve them in our own lives. So good parenting does not only entail teaching and educating our children but also struggling with our lapses and improving them so that our children could see them in good light. For example: We cannot be taking a nap and tell our children we are not home. We cannot be latecomers at work and other activities and expect our children to be prompt at church and school. We cannot say mean words before our children and expect them to speak kindly and respectfully. We cannot smoke and ask our children not to smoke. If we do they will not take us seriously.
Good parent involves a lot of choices. Choice of a good spouse who is not only determined to sharing life vision with you but together you share life’s aspirations, enjoy your relationship and raise great family. If you choose a spouse whom you do not share mutual respect with, you will end up in constant conflict and unending emotional torture. You have to respect your spouse before you can submit or love him/her; accept who he/she is and the differences between you, if not overbearing. It’s not in all cases that you are compatible, but you should be prepared to make concession, compromise, shift grounds and let go. Many have been known to go into marriages with baggages from their backgrounds and believed they’re the best. These give no grounds for options and choices. Parents should love themselves and exhibit high sense of value- respect, honesty, love, kindness, and forgiveness.
Most couples are just incompatible and thorns on flesh of each other. They neither believe in nor practice collective achievement. They live in competition with one another and shares life’s goals differently. Children are quick to notice the infighting that most times burst into conflicting leadership tussles. When couples fail in their relationship, they attempt to woe their children to their side by telling them what they were not supposed to hear and buying them pettish gifts. Responsible parents should keep their children out of their chores. Pestering children with complains about each other’s misdeeds drive children crazy and make them feel like running away from the hell of a home. This situation avails their peer groups more room to feed them with wrong ideas.
Good parenting involves loving “Joy”- Jesus, others and you. You cannot love others unless you love yourself and accept who you are. Again you cannot love yourself unless you love your Creator. The love of God begins with loving your spouse, and if you love your spouse you will also love your children. If you respect your spouse, you will do the same for your kids. When you love your family, you will be motivated to work hard and provide for them- good house, best school and other life necessities. In turn the children shall be encouraged, motivated and do well at school and become good citizens.
Parents should be unanimous in their principles and consistent in response to their children’s actions and needs as well as being constructive in their approach. Even though each couple parents differently, they should avoid giving conflicting instructions. There should be an authority structure in every marriage relationship. God provided for this structure to enhance effective administration and controls in families. Except this order is adhered to respectfully there’s always a problem – conflicting leadership. When children observe these lapses they are quick to exploit them. The couples would end up blaming their children not understanding they created the loopholes. They should be good communication flow and mutual respect between parents. You would still be the authority you are if you tell your child, “let me confer with your mum / dad and get back with you.” It portrays mutual respect; collective leadership and ensuring you are on same page. The children will learn to respect and appreciate such feelings; that debars them from playing manipulating games.
Being a good parent entails enforcing discipline in a gentle, firm, and consistent manner. Standards and rules are set out and each time there is a violation, there’s an appropriate consequence for the action. It could be to loose privileges, time out or additional work. Parent should not be reluctant to enforce discipline. Most parents establish guidelines and rules and consequences but do not enforce them and the children know that they are weak in enforcement and cash on it. Even though fathers and mothers parent differently they should not be split in decision when it comes to discipline. Let it be known that behaviors that are belittling, mean, unkind and unloving is unacceptable. We must educate our children on how to respect themselves, others, authority and property. We equally speak to them politely, in appropriate tone and insist they do not raise their voices on each other and on other people. We must be conscious of the words we say and how we say them. We should also decease from making derogatory comments about people before our children. Our words and actions speak volumes and means a lot to our children.
Good parent should train their children on simple hygiene and cleanliness- wash hands before meals, after using restrooms, sneezing and other times they get hands dirty. They should learn proper showering, teeth washing, barbing, nail cutting and general cleanliness. To protect them from childhood diseases, we immunized them timely. Responsible parents should insist their children wear protective headgear when riding a bike or skating. Parents must wear seat belt every time they drive, and ensure that their children do it. It protects children from hazards. We need not learn the hard way or cry when the head is off. Responsible parents lock up their guns and other equipment to protect children from harm and untimely death. Yet often we hear that children carry their parent’s pistols to school and shoot others. You will be wondering how can this happen? They usually name it a mistake or mishap; unfortunately someone is gone.
Responsible parents pursue intellectual development and education of their children. Educating children to their fullest potential is a primary parental responsibility. Does it surprise us that most parents blame teachers, and school authorities for children poor performance when indeed the bulk responsibilities rest on parents? Learning is a natural evolving process that starts from home ever before a child begins to attend school. Before we point accusing fingers on teachers and others, how often do we read with the children, providing intellectual stimulation: teach children simple things even before school age. Do we provide a good environment for their studies? Or support the efforts of the school and teachers by being involved and ensure they do their homework’s and observe where they are having problems and relate to the teachers. By being involved we observe their talents, gifts, and abilities, encourage and be proud of their peculiar talents and ingenuity. We note their weakness and jointly with the teachers offer helps. These responsibilities is not met because parents prioritize pursuit of money, doing two to three jobs and hardly make time to check what their children are doing. They are only interested in buying them new things to cover their lapses and have no time for their development.
Good parents are also responsible for the spiritual development of their children. The children should be brought up in the fear of the Lord. We should share our faith with our children. Apart from being involved in a bible based church, we should maintain family altars at home, study the word and pray together, “for a family that prays together stays together”. We should lead our children in attending religious activities and practicing God’s presence. Parents should learn to incorporate God in all aspect of their lives and not just to be Sunday Sunday medicines. At home children should be taught how to pray and avail them the opportunity to lead in prayers. By so doing they build confidence to pray often and for others. We should make choices in the interest of our children and family.
Many things contest for our time. One of the negative challenges is consumerism. This is living the media-generated artificial lifestyle. The American dream is defined in economics terms: money, career and power. Many parents pursue money and are hardly there for their children. They buy big mansions but live at work. They chase their careers and miss their homes, pursue power and cling onto it at all cost. What was the primarily concern for going to work got lost mid-stream; work has become an escape route for troubled homes. Children hardly see their parents; talk less of spending time with them. Good parents need to spend time with their children. They watch their parents do things- wash, clean, make bed, prepare meals and set the meals tables etc. Children start being responsible from home. They learn to do laundry and fold them and put in closets, make their beds, keep their rooms clean, empty trashcans. They also iron their clothes, set up their bags ready for school. Good parents ensure children learn four types of responsibilities: responsible for themselves, responsibility for others, and responsibility for God as well as responsibility for society.
Our children today appear different because their parents are different. We may criticize them for being irresponsible, rude, materialistic and unethical etc. The open secret is either they inherited the emotional and moral character of their parents, or watch us disrespect others or ourselves, so they have no respect for us. We are quick to curse others, abuse and yell at other road users while our children are in the car, make silly remarks about their teachers before the children and ridicule or make fun of others under the watchful eyes and attentive ears of the children. Most parents today were fortunate to have parents that taught them the values of responsibility. We cannot as parents let outside engagements, be it work or fun take precedence over our home responsibilities. For no amount of success or achievement at work or outside the home can compensate for the failure of the home. If we expect more from our children, we must be ready to put in more. Being a responsible parent takes time, patience, perseverance and accommodation. It also takes faith, determine and discipline – functions we cannot derelict.
Email: gkapin53@yahoo.com can reach Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill