Relationship, the core to marriage success or failure
Relationship in marriage rests on intimacy, mutual respect and willingness to accept spouse differences. In relationship, couples enjoy love, being with one another and accommodating their differences. They feel concern, combat and spew out whatever attempts to come in between them or spoil their joy. They seek after things that would create, infuse and provoke more acceptance, joyfulness and intimacy amongst them; try not to waste precious time on issues that would never go away. Instead they find ways to celebrate and appreciate their lives together; dwell on the things that unite them. Daily they yield to God in worship and to each other in commitment. They renew their vows and determination to sustain the relationship and accept the challenges to make this difficult task/journey workable. Some married couples show no respect and pay no attention to what happen to their spouse. They cleave together but are still two persons [flesh]. Even though they are married, their relationship has not grown positively or no longer exists. Surprisingly, relationship is the core to marriage success or failure.
It’s not strange that people take important things common only to cry had I known when they loose them. “We live life forward and learn from it backward.” We learnt from the story of biblical Adam and Eve the ills of relationship taken for granted. Adam and Eve had enjoyed wholesomely God’s presence, God’s love and relationship to the extent that they took it common. The woman consequently took her husband’s authority and love for granted and it no longer deserved the honor and respects it worth. Eve turned her focus and attention to the serpent and started listening to its lies. What you listen to influence and affect your life and behavior. The more she listened to the serpent the more she believed his deceit and the less of God’s truth she believed as well as her husband’s. The element of doubt set in, grew deep and held strong roots. It was not long, she decided to try out serpent’s lies. The result is common knowledge. Both took their focus off from God and placed it on the serpent; took God’s love for granted. God loved them unconditionally and provided all their needs. He was always there with his glorious presence and shared His love with them. In their eyes, He became common even though he is still God.
Today some Christians take God’s love and grace for granted. They may not have a healthy relationship with Christ and care little about it. They believe God is always present and loves unconditionally. He paid for their sins through the dead of His Son, Christ Jesus on the cross of shame. He’s therefore sufficient in mercies and grace. They became religious and lived in wrong doings. The scripture ask: shall we continue in wrong doings so grace may abound, the answer is not no or I think not but: God forbid. Today in this odd world, we have more religion but less Christianity, plan more but accomplish less, work two jobs but have less healthy family and have higher knowledge/learning but lower morals. We talk about Church functions and religious activities but none helps one another or wear the sign post of Christ. We pretend in Church and public outings but our inner character is in a mess. We may have conquered the world space but our inner space is in slavery. We celebrate and commemorate our wedding dates but have lost the relationship. We keep records of wrong doings and have no remembrance of God’s love and mercies. Some are born again but stagnant; such people take their Christianity common leaving non-Christians to believe that Christianity is a weak faith. That is far from right.
Most marriage relationships are on trial and taken for granted. Even when the relationship has deceased, they live like cotenants but neither separated nor divorced because of attempts to protect their lost prestige, fear of what people say, financial coexistence and perhaps the children. When you ask them about their relationship, they enumerate the bills they pay, how many jobs they do and the provision for children. As good as these gestures are it’s much but nothing when the relationship is fade. When the relationship has lost it taste or consciously not cared for and undernourished, whatever follows is artificial and meaningless; at best cheerful deceit. As many as take their relationship for granted have shifted focus to other things/ people. There’s no empty space in life; something, somewhere occupies their mind. It could happen unawares and continue to roam their thoughts and rules their lives. The truth remains that nothing replaces one’s spouse, not even the children or other friends and acquaintances.
What suddenly happened to this amazing couple who had great passion towards each other during their courtship and in early time of marriage? They never slept or parted without emotional kisses; waited for one another at the car parks and always walked into church auditorium and shopping malls holding hands together. They picked one another to films, beaches, eat outs and fellowships; were full of surprises at one another including exchange of gifts. Why the sudden complains that the other asks for more attention than one can afford. Why don’t they walk hand in hand, cuddling and smiling as they did in the past? These days they work lonely together; no more smiles and chatting in the car and strolling down the street. They hardly spend quality time together. I can’t believe they sleep in different rooms and have lost interest in romance. It appears the intimacy is gone and couples withdrawn to their little corners.
John Gottman, Julie Gottman and Joan Declaire writing from ‘10 lessons to transform your marriage’ in Readers Digest of June, 2006, stated two truths about happy marriages:[i]Happy married couples behave like good friends. Their relationships are characterized by respect, affection and empathy; they pay close attention to what happens in each others lives.[ii]Happily married couple handle conflicts in gentle positive ways. They recognize some conflicts are inevitable but they don’t get gridlocked in separate positions. Instead they keep talking, listen respectfully to each other and finding compromises that work for both of them. For this reason they opined that “every marriage has perpetual issues – conflicts based on personality that never go away.” How we accommodate these differences [if not over bearing], and tolerate flaws in behaviors determines success or failure in our marriage relationship.
When relationship is taken for granted, it start loosing its vitality and begin to rot. If left unredeemed and salvaged, it gets beyond repairable condition and become stinky; the outsiders whom they tried to hide the rot from initially would smell it and get attracted to it. The children would observe their parents show no respect for themselves in speeches and actions, so they play games. When this happens the tendency especially among weak parents is try to buy the children’s love with gifts which is also artificial. If they cared much for the children they would’ve kept the relationship by exercising mutual respect. Don’t forget that before the children were couples and after the children they shall be if the relationship survives. Again, a strong relationship breeds healthy family and children. Couples in dwindling relationship leave home in the morning and return next day [working two jobs] without talking /calling one another. They may call their friends, acquaintances and perhaps children; chat with other people and enjoy their jokes and advices but not their spouses. However sharing feelings and needs together is crucial means of communication that strengthens the relationship. Again marriages need affective communication in order to thrive. “Talking to each other during the day keeps you connected and allows you to share your ups and downs.” Marriage therapists have found that couples can live in harmony and peaceful with perpetual issues as long as they talk about them in an open productive ways.
Most couples claim they love themselves but exhibit behaviors that portray the opposite. You can not love or submit to one another without first respecting each other. This lapse is the reason most discussions end in conflict and big time quarrels even to the surprise of the couples. They might’ve noticed the misfortune but instead of trying to discuss them, they begin to distance each other. Alienation has never solved problems for couples but worsen them. That cannot keep the conflict away. You will observe the couples behave carelessly or nonchalantly to the other. It simply signifies what can you do? Whatever you want to do, do it quick; I do not care. My focus is some where-else. That’s the sum of lack of mutual respect and love. Such relationship is sick and need help. Unknown to them they could be under Satanic attack of Spiritual household wickedness, seeds of marital failures from ancestral trees of evil inheritance, inherited curses of law upon the families of origins affecting their marriage or forms of bondage peculiar to people from their family lineage. It could be powers or Spirits assigned to destroy their marriage, finance and prosperity, out of hatred, jealousy and mere wickedness. On the other hand one of them could be engaged in evil Spiritual marriage. Something is not going right. These Spirits provoke them to just hate themselves not knowing the reasons. Everything about the couples bugs the other. They squabble, bicker and fight all the time and are not in the life of the other. They hardly touch one another. That’s weird, isn’t it? They may accuse other people /vices of causing their problem but not knowing the cause is in them. Some of them do not believe in demons and reluctance to seek deliverance. We do not war with the flesh; our weapons of warfare are not carnal but Spiritual that destroys enemy’s strongholds. [2 Cor.10:3-4].This is beyond mere saying. Spiritual victories result from Spiritual warfare.
No matter what has put you down, hold your confession strong and dare not fear the devil because Jesus is present to raise you up; had through his death on the cross defeated the common foe called Satan. By the testimony of our mouth and pleading the blood of Jesus we overcome and conquer Satan [Rev.12:11]. We need not be afraid of Satan and legions of demons because He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world. Again God has made a way of escape in the powerful name of Jesus. The scriptures alert us that Satan and his demons are now awaiting final crush by Jesus the king of glory. No matter what the bondages you are being held Jesus looses every chain of the enemies and set you free. He can also redeem your marriage and set you on better footing.
The Gracia-Prats and Claire Cassidy writing on Good families don’t just happen said, “Good communication requires practice, constant efforts, determined Spirit, understanding and trust. Sharing your time and your heart with your spouse is what matters in the long run, not dozen of roses or meaningless gifts/dinner” Many couples are just husbands and wives but not friends or best friends. Is your spouse your best friend? Little wonder one crazy young man said, ‘marriage kills love.’ That is why minor issues are easily blown up. Being friends and laughing together are integral part of marriage relationship. Some couples are so tensed up against each other that there’s no room for minor jokes. Many spend better time at work and just come home when they shall not meet the other. Asked when last you eat together, showered or even watched television together and prayed together? Their answers may surprise you. They are quick to take out work and financial stress on their spouses. Some in the midst of all this ‘silence war’ behave as if they don’t care – it does not matter and living as if that alternative is sure and better. The truth is when a person shifts his/her focus from his/her spouse onto other things or person he/she feel some sense of infatuation and near security; but it’s all fake and unsure. Again you may have been praying for God to heal your marriage and none of the couples work towards making it happens; then there’s no vessel for God to use. You can deceive yourself and the world around you for a time but not always; God knows the truth.
Sometime it’s better for the couples to exercise time-out awhile to see whether they still need each other. This is also an interval to seek help if they need one. You may spend time in prayers and fasting but there is mountains of unforgivenesses and strong won’t standing tall against your answers. You could spend time and resources trying to fix an irreparable dead junk in vain. It may do you well allowing sleeping dog lie. If you take your relationship for granted don’t be surprised when it collapse; nobody shall help you fix it. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. In most divorce/ separation incidences, the remote cause is always taking your relationship for granted. The second is behaving as if one doesn’t care anymore or it does not matter when in actual sense it still means a great lot to you. Pastor Jakes in one of his classic sermon said, if he/she wants to walk away, let him/her do it for nothing just happen. Charles Kingsley said “There are two freedoms – the false, where one is free to do what he/she likes; the true where he/she is free to do what he/she ought.”
Keith A blow, MD, writing on Good marriage, bad patch in Good Housekeeping, July 2006, said, ’Turmoil in a marriage can be the start of new phase….rather than the beginning of the end. Nearly every married couple runs into a bad patch sooner or later. The life of a relationship unfolds as they live lives as individuals….’ Every good marriage is built on true love. Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians describes the great qualities of this true love. “………love is patient, love is kind…..is not self-seeking…keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth…..” [1 Cor.13:4-7]. For this reason Rabbi Julius Gordon admonished, ‘Love is not blind, it see more not less but because it sees more , it’s willing to see less.’
We should quit enduring our marriages and start enjoying them. If an automobile develops a fault, it’s commendable to take it to the manufacturers/dealers. They usual trace and fix the faults. God is the sole designer/creator of marriage and can fix all the problems. Take your marriage to God and leave it there. It may surprise you that what the road-side mechanic have been trying to fix by trial and error, the manufacturers would trace and fix without much to do.
In our era, some manufacturers have recalled equipments – cars, computers etc they dictated some faults in them. In marriage God does not make mistakes; He’s perfect in all his ways and his creation. Even in the first marriage between Adam and Eve, the fault was not God’s. The couple chose the devil’s deceit to God’s instruction. Couples might’ve chosen body appearances, financial gains, education and wealthy family background than fear of God and character. Even then God still visited them, covered their nakedness and redeemed them, giving them new lease of life. He sent his only begotten son as their Savor and Redeemer in whom we have eternal life and enjoys our lives. God has not changed. He’s able to redeem our marriages and give us new phase, more enjoyable and meaningful than all our years of trying to fix it ourselves. The God, who turned water into wine in Cana, can turn your relationship for better. Psalm of David says, ‘He allowed us to pass through water and fire and now he brings us to a better place.’[Psalm 66:12]. This could be your testimony.
Evangelist Ogbonnaya could be reached by Email:gkapin53@yahoo.com