MOTHER-IN-LAW AND DAUGHTER-IN-LAW SAGA
Most African men living abroad would gladly invite their mother-in-laws into their abode but not without butterfly in their stomach. The reason is common knowledge. What was thought of being an enviable and glorious tradition had long turned sour and become a death trap? It used to be an acceptable healthy norm for one to invite his mother-in-law for a visit or have a long stay with them. After all, the purpose of one giving her daughter in marriage to another family is to make her an ambassador and create a three tier mutual relationship with the new in-law family and community. Today, that acceptable tradition is hurting many homes and becoming grave contribution to unhealthy marriage union and divorce. Some of these women come to the free world with a hidden agenda; one of which is joining hands with their daughters to kick their son-in-law out of their homes. Others come in and dictate to their daughters on how best to enslave their husbands, so they will subdue them to their pressures and sordid manipulations. They mastermind to divide what God had joined together (Matt 19:6).
On the other hand, there are a great number of good intended mother-in-laws that came to stay with their sons whose daughter-in-laws had sworn not to allow them enjoy the fruits of their labor. Some of their daughters-in-laws are quick to brand them witch, just to give a dog a bad name. If their mothers-in-laws are witch and they are born again (not born against) Christians, then the prayers of the righteous should set fire on the lives of the demon possessed that they shall be frustrated and disorganized to either repent or become uncomfortable and leave for good. Our weapons of warfare are not carnal but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds (2 Cor. 10:40). The God we worship, Jehovah is Man of war: disappoints the devices of the crafty that their hands cannot perform their enterprise (Job 5:12). God has made out of Himself weapons – us, for His kingdom and sent us on earth. More so these daughters-in-laws have forgotten that if they are blessed with male children, they too shall one day become mothers-in-laws. He girl! This man cannot have two mothers! Are we at that time where daughter-in-laws despise their mothers-in-laws? (Micah 7:6)
The concern here is how to make these two women who view a man (son and husband) in different perspective come to term with whom they are and accept one another as friends. They do not have “to be alike to like each other” and co-exist for the sake of the one man in the center of their lives. When they accept each other and get to know themselves, they could discover some similarities they share that are more than the differences that divide them. By accepting each other as one is and giving chance to the one that is all knowledgeable to usher in understanding and peace, the cultural in-built fears and negative bias disappear. The daughters-in-laws should not ignore or take for granted the years their mothers-in-laws had invested in the lives of the men they now marry and called sweet hearts. These mothers-in-laws are not ready to let go such investment vanish overnight into tin air.
A number of daughters-in-laws allow the in-built misconception they had long before they met their prospective mothers-in-laws to run and ruin their possibility of discovering the goodness in each other and vice versa. These two women should envisage their relationship as friendship waiting to be built rather than wall needing to be torn down. “These two women have radically different views of the same man. One, the wife sees him as her man (no struggles, baby) while the other, the mom sees him as her child (that will not change). Ability to understand these views and attempt to marry them together is perhaps the first step towards a healthy relationship. The built-in conflicts buy into the subjective peer opinions that mothers-in-laws are bad and you can do nothing to please them. The daughter-in-law spends a life time trying to keep her mother-in-laws out of her life, and away from her kids as well as her husband. Instead she should look for ways to show gratitude to one who birth and raise such a man she admired to be her head; open communication and hold mutual respect with your in-laws. You can start by looking for areas of common interest: Christian faith, food, recreation, etc; know your parent’s tradition may not fit with your husband’s family.
On the other hand, the mothers-in-laws have an obligation to accept their daughters-in-laws; they’re the choices their sons made and should be respected. They should not interfere with the process of God’s commandment: A man shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife and become one flesh (Gen 2:24). They should realize that their sons did not and will never marry them; cannot become one with their sons in God’s eye. Again, their daughters-in-laws were raised differently and perhaps in dissimilar cultures and environments. Their responsibilities are to love and pray for their daughters-in-laws and leave God to guide and paddle their boat; leave them alone to learn and understand their men (your unsolicited advice that may turn negative), except they ask for your help or opinion. Instead of picking quarrel and grudges with them for marrying your sons, open avenue for better communication and relationship.
In today’s Christian Women, writing on the theme: Can we be friends? Shawnee McCarty Fleenor said, “Communication: it’s key to any friendship with the one woman in the world who loves your husband as much as you do ….. So the simple act of keeping your mother-in-law informed on the happening of your daily life with her son will draw her to you like nothing else.” In another reflection, on The Other Woman, Elizabeth Graham resolved, “I, on the other hand, had chosen her as surely as I’d chosen my husband. I saw her with all her shortcomings and still chose her to be my mother-in-law and the grandmother of my children.” Therefore trying to keep your mother-in-law out of your life and away from your kids is an exercise in futility; such attitude builds walls of demarcation and unhealthy relationship. You should wisely emulate the biblical Ruth; a persevering woman who had the character of inner mind. She came into Naomi’s life as a daughter-in-law and after her husband died, she suffered loneliness and hardship with Naomi; decided to migrate with her, to her country and even vowed to die with her [Ruth 1:16-18]. We wish all mothers and mothers-to-be a glorious Mother’s Day celebration. Our great God shall compensate and reward you all for building happy homes.
Reach: Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill at weefreeministries@yahoo.com or P.O. Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272. Web: www.weefreeministries.org; Phone: 832-881-3929 (c).