MARRIAGE TUSSLES – WHO LOOSES and WHO GAINS?
People have different understandings about marriage tussles. It can be described as the constant squabbles, conflicts and disagreements between married couples. The less spiritually and emotionally mature the husband and wife, the greater the potential for conflict. Some blame it on men while others believe women cause it. Those who blame it on men opine they are the supposing family heads and the onus to make marriages work rest on their shoulders. They are charged to love their wives unconditionally and as their own body. They are to initiate spiritual leadership in their homes and maintain harmonious oversight over the family. They are to treat their spouses tenderly as weaker vessels; protect and provide their needs as well as ensure peaceful homes. Those who blame it on the women say while men are described as heads, the women are the necks without which the heads cannot turn and function properly. Women are charged to be submissive to their men; be wise enough to build their homes. They are home makers and great is their reward. The scripture teaches when a man finds a wife he finds a good thing and favor from the Lord. They can make or mar marriage relationship. They are urged to show respect and honor to their husbands always. Little wonder the scripture says that Sarah called Abraham [her husband] my Lord. The issues of equality, partnership in marriage and alternative marriage lifestyles create huge problems for western world and those who came from other cultures.
Marriage tussles arise from constant and continuous conflicts between husband and wife. Conflicts could come from money management, parenting styles, leadership struggles, lack of respect and care for spouses and their families; a lot of marital inconsistencies and inadequacies. Behind these flaws are: in-submissiveness, dimness of love and unforgiveness as well as disrespect. No human union is perfect but the ability to be sensitive and quick to resolve issues as they come matters as they came is the solution. Couples should realize that where two human beings co-exist there is bound to be errors, mistakes, stepping on others toes and perhaps genuine misgivings. After the honeymoon, the infatuations clear and ‘love fools’ disappear; couples begin to think clearly and see things differently. They attempt to right some wrongs. Things overlooked during courtship begin to draw attention. Some begin to ponder whether they made the right [wise] choice of their partners. In the process they compare their spouses with their ex-sweetheart friend. Areas of comparison bother on: character, disposition and sex life as well as compromise and free hand on money. They feel dis-satisfied in a lot of areas; blame the devil and even God for the inappropriate choices they made. “The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.”
In the midst of all these doubts, ill thoughts and life realities, they forget they are sworn for better and for worst and to uphold each other in good and bad times. They are stocked with each other. Some who failed to look beyond body or facial fancies now see the character they have to deal with for the rest of their lives. Some who made choices based on momentary values, ego and gains begin to rethink and ponder on alternatives. Those who did not consent God when they made their choices now learn to call Him for help. They pray to God for a change but remain with the choices they made because some could be outside God’s destinies for their lives. Not all marriages are God’s designed. As they think in their minds so is their confession. As they confessed wrong choices, that affect their attitude and behaviors towards their spouses. The outcome is dissatisfaction with spouse that leads to living lonely together. “Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.”
Who looses? Marriage is bigger than just the couples. As many people as are affected by the union loose. Marriage tussles may cause disharmony, separation and divorce. A colleague and friend, Mr. James Okafor says Divorce is the highest level of rejection. When it happens the couples reject each other and severe the relationship that binds not only the two people but also relatives of the couples, the communities and the body of Christ. The foundation of God’s designed institution is hampered; vehicles to create and maintain good families and peaceful society suffer damage. Satan rejoices because he has succeeded in causing havoc in God’s family and institution. The stigma associated with divorce may follow a life time.
The children of divorced parents are often disorganized; these usher in a new world of dis-orientation and dis-illusion. Depending on the ages of the children many suffer nightmares and depression; unbelievably doubts on the reality of love and God. These children feel sad especially when they see their dad and /or mom begin another relationship. The children who shared in the dance of love parents poured on each other feel chilled out and emotionally deprived. These affect their lives and comfort at home; dis-stabilized their efficiencies at school and their relationship with other children. They may make poor grades at school; feel uncomfortable staying at home and difficult in trusting any person. They increasingly gain the support of peer groups; be lured and initiated into gangs and witchcraft not knowing what they are in for. Trace the history of most gang members they are people from dis-stabilized and dis-illusion families. They constitute problems to themselves and society; suffer juvenile delinquencies and graduate into jail.
A society that most of her young ones, the future expectation and hopefuls are deep necked in crime is doomed. These groups of people fall out of faith and doubt their beliefs in God and in the salvation that comes in believing in his son, Jesus Christ. They do lip service prayers, absent from Christian gatherings and loose interest in Gods’ word and God’s people. The communities of faith loose her future cross bearers to the world; just because couples fail to live in harmony. How I wish couples reading this write up who lives in conflict and considering separation understand that their marriages were witnessed by great crowd of beings: some angelic creatures in heaven and saints of God and traditional communities on earth. As long as they continue to live in conflict and tussles, self won’t and selfish nonchalant, they are in themselves not happy and their families are in dis-harmony; the society and church family are loosing. The society suffers great groan; resulting to no-win situation.
Brethren, every marriage has peculiar problem that is unique to it. In romancing your husband, Debra White Smith advises, “When a couple is not getting along and experiences conflicts that need to be resolved, both [partners] must recognize that the value of the relationship is greater than the conflict at hand. A primary tool in conflict resolution is to identify the problem and together attack the problem instead of each other.” You must discuss it; let go and let God…. Don’t allow self won’t and unforgiveness to strip your joy and marital happiness. In Good family don’t just happen, The Garcia-Prats writes that “Family strength is built on the three principles of: love, commitment and respect. All three are intertwined. One does not exit without the others. It takes more than love to be a good parent. People are successful at the things to which they devote most of their time and effort.” People must work hard to make marriages work. The respect couples share with each other is the respect they share with their children. Children need to feel they are important in their parent’s lives. They need to live in the home flowing in God’s love. Couples must know that behaving as if they live only for the children [not for each other] is deceitful; They must first honor and respect themselves before they do so to others. People do not begin to love other people until they have loved themselves. “Your success as a family, our success as a society depend not in what happens at the White House but inside your house.” The feet find the road easy when the heart walks with them-Anonymous. Family tussles and conflict does nobody any good. Therefore let put personal idiosyncrasies out of our family life. It costs time, efforts and believe in each other; most importantly faith in God to build a loving home. “ Judge your success by what you have to give up in order getting it.” Hatred stirs up dissension but love covers over all wrongs [Proverbs 10:12].
Reach: Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com OR Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272