MCA, CHRIST THE KING PCN OKO-OBA LAGOS
SEMINAR TOPIC:
MARRIAGE, DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE
-THE POSITION OF SCRIPTURE- ELDER GODSWILL N. OGBONNAYA
Greetings: I bring you all Calvary greetings from the synod committee of church life, your fellow saints of PCN (miracle centre), Okota and of course from my dear wife and beloved children; they all share this moment of deep reflection and discussion with you. They join me congratulating you and praying that this time will be rewarding to families and homes, Christendom and society. Permit me to thank you for giving me this rare opportunity; it expressed the love in your hearts and is well appreciated and encouraged to look inward and have the best of our rich heritage, culture and belief.
PREAMBLE: The discussion is coming at a time when young people fear to enter into serious relationship because the institution had witnessed altered disappointments among married couples. It comes at a time when divorce rate is increasingly common and alarming; single parenthood has become generally acceptable norm in our society while alternative marriage is gaining sympathy, unholy acceptance and new increased approval rating. Little surprised that relationships are entered on trial and error, sympathy and in cheerful deceit. Marriage institution was established by God before sin entrance into the world and thereafter has received the greatest attacks from Satan. In our world today, marriage has witnessed strains, conflicts, disappointments and failures among other ills, such that the topic has attracted seminar attention and discussion in different groups at different times. Despite the disappointments and failures experienced in marriages today, it has not changed the desire and design of God that marriage is an honorable institution and life long.
In this presentation, we shall ponder on what marriage is and why was it instituted by God? What are the consequences of not heeding to the laid down foundational rules in marriage relationship? We shall also examine what divorce is, the likely causes and remedies; lastly the issue of remarriage as x-rayed in the scripture. Marriage connotes togetherness but how happy or well most couples live is another concern. Most couples are married but exist in defeat, in failure, living lonely together and quarrelling their way in between anniversaries held together by children, mutual insecurities or what people would say. Some live in pretense and deceit, presenting false unity to the world. An author/counselor had once described most Christian marriages as life long prisons of unhappiness that keep marital love locked behind Christian hypocrisy. This is not the will of God concerning this institution. God desire and plan is that marriage should be blissful.
A. CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE: [Genesis. 2:18-24] [i] Definition and Concept: it is the union of a man and a woman to live together as husband and wife according to the standard set out in the Holy Scripture. Marriage is a divine institution designed and created by God; it is based on the holiest precepts of God. When God created Adam and Eve, He created them in His image; made them: male and female [Genesis. 1: 27]. The relationship between man and wife in this sinlessly perfect condition was sacred and holy as the relationship of the three persons of the Trinity Father, Son and Holy Spirit. They are one; so do in marriage. God says man (and woman) are to leave parents, cleave to each other and become a unit and one, not divided whole [Genesis 2:24]. Therefore, marriage is a life-long relationship which vows are witnessed on earth and recorded in heaven. It was design to be a life long contract intended never to be broken or terminated except by death of a partner.
Just as when God created man and placed him in Eden it was a perfect home for a perfect man. However when Satan corrupted the mind of man and deceived him to disobey God, sin entered into a perfect home. God did not give up on man; He provided a remedy for the salvation of mankind and through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, man was restored back to God. Since then the effect of sin has remained with us in the world. These are seen in unfaithfulness, lies, lust, sexual immorality, covetousness, waywardness and greed. These vices affect our marriages and relationship with God. Since thereafter marriage has become a troubling thing for mankind. Again when God made man he charged man to toil and keep the garden. He found that man was lonely and needed a helper to enable Him fulfill His purpose in creation and remain in comfort and joyful. God said it was not good for man to be alone; I will make him a help meet for him (Genesis 2:18). God made a help uniquely fitted for man and brought her to man and she is the wife. Little wonder the scriptures say that he who finds a wife finds a good thing and favor from the Lord (Proverbs 18:22). It also says, the wise woman builds her home ..(Proverbs 14:1). The need to understanding mans need for help and womans adherence to the purpose of her need in man (or authority in marriage) is the difficulty and troubling area in marriage and perhaps the reason for ills, weakness and division that has eroded the beauty and joy of blissful relationship. It has also left many wondering how can this be, if it was Gods designed and purposed.
Marriage is honorable among all [Hebrews. 13:4]. A man (or a woman) whom God has placed in honor but does not know it is like a beast that perishes [Psalm 49:20]. In order that marriage would function properly, it entails Gods participation and God fears. Those involved in it must base their relationship on God, where love of God flows through them in selfless service to each other. When a home is established on God fearing principles, where both couples are in right relationship with God, it has all potentials of a joyful and blissful relationship. In marriage the couples are to be complement and counterpart of one another; that one is incomplete without the other. Gods principles and foundation for a Christian home is that they are one.
(ii) THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE? I wish to reaffirm and reiterate that God instituted marriage for mans good. He said, It is not good that the man should be alone. God thereafter made him a help mate suitable for man [Genesis 2:18]. A woman was designed uniquely to help man and comfort him. Any married woman should stay on top of this function. Once woman derelicts that function, she has done a dumb thing; therefore becomes irrelevant and extinct. Apostle Paul wrote, nevertheless to avoid the sin of fornication, let every man have his own wife and fulfills his duty to her and likewise .stop depriving one another .less Satan tempts you because of lack of self control [1Corinthians 7:2-5]. God designed and created marriage to repress the temptation of improper affection and to build a social order through well ordered family, so that truth and holiness might be transmitted from one generation to another. The peace and well being of a nation depends on the purity and sanctity of her homes [Deuteronomy. 6:6-7]. In the same vain, to ensure the purpose of God in creation is met. Every living thing shall produce after its kind. It was also to accomplish this that God pronounced His first blessing to mankind, Be fruitful and multiply, replenish the earth and subdue it; have dominion over all .. (Genesis 1:28). In God design, man was not to produce by binary fission (asexual reproduction) but sexually mating between a man and woman.
[iii] RELATIONSHIP/ SIGNIFICANCE: Marriage is the tenderest and most sacred relationship in life. They shall be one flesh. It is a good thing and brings favor. [Preacher 18:30].– A man should leave, cleave, to his wife and they become one flesh [Genesis 2:24; Ephesians 5:31]
– Marriage union symbolizes Christ union with the Church
– Ephesians 5:21 says, submit to one another in fear of God
– Philippians 2:3: Let nothing be done through strife or vain glory; esteem each other
– Ephesians 5:25-27 Husbands love your wives, even as Christ love the church and died for it . Husbands do we love our wives to this extent? God loved us with this kind of love [Agape] that He sent His son to die in our place, on the Cross of shame.
– Ephesians 5:28-29: So ought men to love their wife as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself Genesis 2:21-22 Men do we hate our bodies? If not, why hate our wives? A man who hates [does not love] his wife, is really doing himself harmed and God dishonor.
– Ephesians 5:22 says, Wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the Church as also Christ is head of the Church .. (Also Colossians 3:18). Wives do you submit to your husbands as unto the Lord? The word, submit is a military term meaning to arrange oneself under another. Literally, it means to yield to the control or power of another. Women, do you love the Lord enough to obey Him and submit to your husband as fitting in the Lord? A wife who does not honor her husband does not honor God; can do anything, anyhow to disrespect him and hurt him.
Since two of them become one, they are inseparatable of each other and nothing, except death is expected to put them apart. However, there are ugly situations where separation and divorce are permissible and recommended. Proper marriage relationship can only be entered and maintained only by those who are in right relationship with Christ, believing the scripture as the highest authority and acceptable standard. It no longer strange to hear to see some born again Christians or those in Church families experience divorce through the court of justice. The reason is not far fetched; rest on inability to adhere to the rules of the designer- love and submit.
B. THE CONCEPT OF DIVORCE: [Deuteronomy 24:1-5; Mark 10:4-12; Luke 16:18; Malachi 2:16; 1Corinthians 7:10-11]
[i] Definition: is the separation of a couple who had hitherto been joined together in marriage or wedlock. It has been described as: to loose (Mt.18:27), release (Mt. 27:15), send or put away Mt.14:15, 23; Mt.1:19, 5:31-32), and let go (Lk. 14:4). The main reason for divorce was uncleanness, shame and nakedness (Due 24:1, Isa.20:4, Gen.9:22-23, 42:9, 12). It could be caused by a desire to remarry, inability to tolerate or accommodate, accept daily forgiveness, or dimness of love for each another and all sort of incompatibilities, like grouching, nagging, palliating and lukewarmness, etc; all these and other reasons could be grouped under and have been described as the hardness of the heart. It is an unfortunate and shameful development which brings stigma difficult to erase; unhealthy homes which children are brought up under hatred, strains and falsehood. Divorce violates the promise of faithfulness for better for worst and Gods injunction to be separated from the world and their practice. It also violates the prohibition against going to worldly court. God and the Church join couples but the court alone can grant divorce; the Church does not. [ii] Origin: Long after the institution of marriage, Moses reluctantly granted permission for divorce under one condition – because of the hardness of the peoples hearts. However this permission did not change Gods original intention and plan that a man and a woman should be united and they should be one flesh for as long as they both lived. The marriage union is to be closely knit as the various parts of the body are; hence divorce would be like severing an arm or leg from ones body. While the Israelites were living in Egypt among heathens who were morally loose, they emulated/copied the practice of divorce which was rampart and in most cases without causes. So as they embarked on their journey back to Israel, they carried alone this deadly habit and evil practice. They confronted Moses to legalize it as it was practiced among the heathens. Moses seeing the hardness of their hearts, he gave his crescent [but not really a support] introducing imposed restrictions on them without their understanding it:Moses consent demanded amongst others:
(a) There must be a legitimate reason [Leviticus 20:10). Also to get a Bill of Divorcement which only the highest court of the land [Moses court] can grant. The process took time involving adjournments to allow time /chance for possible out of court settlement or reconciliation.
(b) After divorce one cannot go back to the divorcee for any reason
(c) Moses suffered the Jews to have divorce as a best option to a worst situation due to the hardest of their
hearts [Deuteronomy 22:22 – stoned to death). But before Christ position in Matthew 19:7-8, He had in reply to Peter in Matthew 18:21-22 taught forgiveness as an option, recommending that people should forgive in a given day at least seventy time seven times. Invariably, it means no sin is unforgiveable, even the grief sin of adultery.
Despite Moses position, God original intent and plan concerning institution of marriage has not changed. The principle is that of oneness [John 10:28-29; Romans 8:35-39; John 14:1-3; Revelation 19:7-9]. People in their weakness, shortsightedness and rebellion grasp at what seems to be one loop hole in the principle of the inseparable marriage relationship, so as to justify their way. Jesus only restated the fact that Moses permitted it but never endorsed it. May I ask would Jesus who is God, the son change the principle He jointly laid down in the beginning even before human race? That is why Jesus said in the beginning it was not so. God in unchangeable changer, God does not change his standards with the changing times or lower his standard to suit or meet with that of sinful people, rather men should strive to meet Gods requirement standards. A Christian may seeks loophole to reinterpret the Gods word to soothe his conscience, so he can find avenue to justify his weakness, he simply admits the hardness of his heart. Note in trying to find consent or permission, in the bible for gratifying the lust of the flesh, one could be unwittingly making God a participant in sin [1Corinthians 6:13-20]. May God open our eyes and make us sensitive to spiritual truth [Psalm 33:11, John 1:17; Romans 6:14].
C. REMARRIAGE: [1Corinthians 7:10-16; Malachi 2:15-16; Romans 7:2-3; Matthew 5:31-32; 1Timothy 5:14. Re-marriage is only permissible when separation is by death.
(a)Reasons why no grounds for divorce and remarriage
(i) marriage was instituted at the very beginning of human history in Gods image and likeness when man was in his innocence- no reference or grounds for divorce.
(ii) Malachi 2:14-16 (prophet) Mark 10:3-9 (Jesus Christ) Eph 5:31 (Paul) all taught that marriage is oneness and permanent.
(iii) Moses allowed the men of Israel (Jews) to divorce but this permission (not approval) did not extend to the Church.
(iv) Jesus did not give his disciples permission to divorce or remarry (Mk. 10:1-10; Lk. 16:1, 18). He did authorize the Church to divorce; the Church can only join.
(v) Matthew 19:6; 1Corinthians 7:11 says what [not whom] God has joined together, let no man put asunder.
(vi) 1 Corinthians 7:4 Divorce prohibits the removal of authority. A wife does not have authority over her body.
(vii) Ephesians 5:25 Christian men were urged to love their wives as Christ loves the church and died for it.
(viii) Ephesians 5:28 Love your wife connotes loving yourself
(ix) Ephesians 4:32; 5:1 – Divorce is inconsistent with Gods grace. Adultery is a terrible sin but not unpardonable in Gods eyes. Christians are initiators of Christ in forgiveness; this excludes hardness of heart.
(x) 1Corinthians 6:1 only way to obtain divorce is by legal action. Christian are enjoined from taking one another to court [the Church can only join; courts of law join and dismiss].
(b)What can help remedy and repairs marriage relationships:
1) Fear of God
2) Acceptance (love)
3) Commitment to make it work
4) Mutual respect for each other
OTHERS include:
5) Studying Gods word together regularly and praying together to God to help resolve
conflicts [2 Tim. 3:16-17; Pro. 3:5-6; Philippians 4:6-7].
6) Appreciating the principle of authority in marriage – headship [1Corinthians 1:33; Ephesians 5:25-33; Colossians 3:18-14; 1Peter 3:1ff].
7) Communication: Speaking in a kindly, tender, considerate manner to each other, avoiding out burst of anger, nagging, and harsh criticism [Ephesians 4:32; Proverbs 15:1, 20:3, 21:69, 31:26-28].
8) Being industrious and dependable in caring for the family needs [Titus 2:4-5, Proverbs 31:10ff].
9) Confining sexual interest to ones mate (Proverbs 5:15-21; Hebrew 13:4-1; 1Corinthians 7:2-5
10) Humbly applying the Bible counsel no matter what you spouse is doing [Romans 14:12; 1Peter 5:15-21; Hebrew 13:4; 1 Corinthians 7:2-5].
11) Give attention to development of personal spirituals qualities 1Peter 3:3-6; Colossians 3:12-14; Galatians 5:22-23].
12) Provide needed love, training and discipline for the home [Titus 2:4; Ephesians 6:4; Proverbs 13:24; 29:15].
REFLECTION:
– What qualities make a good marriage companion?
– Is divorce an answer to numerous marriage conflicts and problems?
– Christ position on divorce was it a consent or not, if not, what was it suppose to mean?
– Mention ills that could cause divorce in a marriage.
– Why is divorce or remarry unpopular in Christian circles?
ADVICE TO A SON WHO IS GETTING MARRIED ON THE CHARACTER OF A WOMEN OR HOW TO COPE WITH IT.
Preparing for a successful marriage is synonymous with constructing a solid building and/or a decision to be a Christian. This involves amongst many thing (Luke 14:28ff). Land is acquired; plans drawn up; count the cost before foundation is laid: Luke 18:22ff.
Even though the Almighty God instituted marriage and made all the arrangements/preparations concerning it, and the Bible equally commends marriage, it is not without its challenges Pro. 18:22 1Cor 7:28. Therefore those desiring to go into the institution must be prepared for the gains and pains of it. Marriage is a life long relationship Gen. 2 18:23-24 and must not be entered without prayerfull consideration. It is God who had yoked two to become one Matt 19:8-9.
Our concern in this paper is to advise a young man in the character of a woman, or who a woman is? But before proceeding on that, it is necessary to find out what women look out for in a man:
-man whom she respects
-man who is stable and balanced
-man who naturally accepts helpful criticism
-a man who is a good provider
-a man with a high moral standard
-a man who accept his headship and its association responsibilities
-a man who is modest and considerate
-a man who fears and loves God
Having learn what women look for in a man, it is then possible to draw up who a woman is or her character.
HOW TO COPE WITH THE CHARACTER OF A WOMAN
One has described marriage as a parcel which you possess without indept knowledge of the content. Whatever you see when you open it, you take. This appears a defeatist approach but believe you me, it is the truth, for marriage is a life long relationship.
Another has described marriage as weighty and should not be entered in lightly and unprepared. Marriage is for life for better, for worst.
1. Coping with women
God instituted marriage, and made it perfect. If you want success in it you need daily to prevail in Gods presence. Pray for Gods guidance and grace to enable you to accept realities as they come forth. Marriages at every stage/level has its associated problems, but Gods grace is sufficient in every situation.
2. Identify who you are
As you list the qualities you expect from a woman you intend to marry spare time and have an inward look at yourself, identifying your strength and weakness and determine to adjust and let go (leaving and cleaving).
3. Maturity
In this era of youthful marriages, we have a lot of infant wives and over grown baby husbands. You must learn the lesson of mutual respect and love (not infatuation or like). Possess endurance and tolerance and understanding. Be firm when you should be and bend when you should. Learn to weigh other persons views and accept them if better than yours.
4. Same Faith
Is she one in the same faith, a true born again child of God who will help you uphold the faith and maintain it to next generation. You may not find the right person in the wrong crowd if you are firm in the Lord, the word of God shall be your guide. Look for one in a living church or community of love in action.
5. Compatibility
Incompatibility in marriage relationship brings a lot of suffering and strains to bear and often collapse of it. It is better to remain single than to marry some one who shares different feelings, see things always in opposite direction. It may lead to living lonely together or total collapse.
6. Communication
You must learn to be open to one another, however in love you accept constructive criticism and be open to correction. You may love but it is important to tell out your wife what you do. It is an assurance of you love to her and build her confidence.
7. Discussion
You must reach agreement in matters such as: money matters, parents relationship, extended family, sex life, children, friends, and habits etc. By so doing you will flow at the same level and live without misconstruction.
8. Pray together
You must lead the family in prayer daily because you are the head, priest, husband, father etc. Be exemplary in your behavior and attitude. Practice the presence of God in your life and family. Pray for one another that God may enrich and nourish your relationship.
9. True Love
The Bible urges a husband to love his wife True Love bears all things and endures all things. 1Cor. 13:4,7; Deut. 23:21; Eccl. 4:9-12; 5:4-5.
10. Depend on God
If you must succeed in life, depend on God not on any man/woman. The arm of flesh shall fail you, but God is faithful and steadfast. No matter how difficult or bad your spouse may be, take her or the situation to God in prayers and you will overcome by His grace.
11. Sensitivity
A woman is a human being. She has feelings and emotions. You should be sensitive in your behavior and actions. Men most times receive what they give. Be careful in your alterances, behavior and attitude.
12. Marriage Guide
The Bible is very firm when it comes to the guide to good marriage life. Man love your wife while wife submits to your husband.
ADVICE TO A SON WHO IS GETTING MARRIED ON THE CHARACTER OF A WOMAN OR HOW TO COPE WITH IT
Preparing for a successful marriage is synonymous with constructing a solid building and/or decision to be a Christian. This involves amongst many things (Luke 14:28ff). Land is acquired; plans drawn up; count the cost before foundation is laid; Luke 18:22ff.
Even though the Almighty God instituted marriage and made all the arrangements/preparations concerning it, and the Bible equally commends marriage it is not without its challenges Pro. 18:22; 1Cor 7:28. Therefore those desiring to go into the institution must be prepared for the gains and pains of it. Marriage is a life long relationship Gen. 2, 18:23-24 and must not be entered into without prayerful consideration. It is God who had yoked two to become one Matt 19:8-9.
Our concern is this paper is to advise a young man in the character of a woman, or who a woman is? But before proceeding on that, it is necessary to find out what women look out for in a man:
Ø Man whom she respects
Ø Man who is stable and balanced
Ø Man who has sound judgment
Ø Man who naturally accepts helpful criticism
Ø A man who is a good provider
Ø A man with a high moral standard
Ø A man who accepts his headship and its association responsibilities
Ø A man who is modest and considerate
Ø A man who fears and loves God
Having learned what women look for in a man, it is then possible to draw up who a woman is or her character.
1. Naturally Difficult:
You may not be able to ascertain her state of mind, or even please her most time she disbelieves you and may require proofs/evidence. By nature women are subtle, cunning, crafty, and selfish. Gen. 3:6; Gen. 38:14ff, Gen. 27:14-17; Gen. 16:6. They enjoy ferry tales instead of truth.
2. Unappreciative:
Most often women lack contentment. Some lack thank you in their vocabulary. You may do a thing to satisfy her or even buy her gifts only to hear that it was not that type or color she needed. They close their mind too easily and are quick to condemn/find fault in your action. A woman accepts credit and pushes the blame to you.
3. Very emotional/temperamental:
Women are very emotional/temperamental. Most of them talk before they reason they react before consideration. You may find it difficult to really understand them. They may be saying one thing and meaning another. They react to impulse of the moment. They are delicate to handle. When hurt, a woman can go on to damage some items in the house in anger only to regret it later. They could slap a man or rain insult in a market place in pride only to come back home to beg for pardon.
4. Unfaithfulness:
Faith has to do with trust and confidence and belief in one another. It portrays an act of honesty, sincerity and according to ones promise. It involves adhering to laid down or agreed way of doing things. Women are people of light mind. They think their own way is the best. They share views and compare notes with other women and are easily influenced by other fashion, views etc. They are quick to introduce new ideas or way of doing things without considering the implications. They consider their views/choice the best, allows little or no room for other views.
5. Possesivness:
Every women want to t have absolute control/monopoly of the husband. This they do initially in a very subtle manner and when they are now married, they let loose their hidden agenda. This contributes to their choice of any man. They give into a man they will be able to undermine and control. Whatever they have, especially money and other materialistic items, they hold tight to it. They admire foreign cultures and values but cannot hold tight to it. They deep when it is favorable and skip when otherwise.
6. Very Materialistic:
You should know that women preach sharing in total surrender but they find it difficult to surrender their wealth except in areas to lift up their ego and pride. They are fashion crazy and amaze material things. The quest to look good/beautiful, makes them buy new things. They buy forward and pay installmentally; thereby mortgaging their future income.
7. Very Impatient with situation:
Most women are irrational and quick tempered. They do not give room for others. They believe in quick dispensation of issue and without considering the feelings of others. They take interest in accusing the man instead of accepting their mistake/lapse.
8. Myopic in their decision:
Most of their decisions are shallow. They are selfish and parochial and short-sighted. They are difficult to convince and hardly believes a man. They hardly and reluctantly accept mens view and authority especially in this era of women liberation.