IS BAD MARRIAGE BETTER THAN DIVORCE: How true and to what extent?
It has been stated that sticking with a bad marriage generally is better than divorcing. This “truth” is supported by scientific observations that married people are happier, healthier and lives longer while divorce couples are sad, easily prone to sicknesses that invariably shorten their lives. Supporters of this concept say that bad marriage tends to get better as years go by; favor the traditional arguments in support of marriage preservation. They further state that marriage is made for companionship, procreation and for raising a family. The conservative community and Church family welcome this view. However the feminist and liberal women groups do not favor it because they subscribe to alternative lifestyles. Also those who were subject to abuses in marriage coupled with unending tussles and conflicts; sitting daily on gun powder and had obtained freedom from the court of the law, think that statement is unrealistic and unthoughtful. These people have worn the shoes of bad marriage and know how terrible the shoes pinch. They had experienced the harshness and nastiness of unhealthy relationship and thank God they are off the hook.
Jim Killam writing on: The case for marriage in Christianity Today comments on the book: The case for Marriage: why married people are Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially by Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher [Double day]. Their research made some provocative findings in favor of marriage: That unmarried people are far more likely to die young especially men, who on average engage in riskier behavior when single than when married. They added that statistically divorce is as dangerous to a man’s health as starting to smoke a packet of cigarette a day. Married people have more money and they make long time plan and decisions. Most importantly, they are committed to each other and also to their plans and goals. They attest that married people have more sex than singles, and also enjoy it more, both physically and emotionally. The authors supported this opinion by stating that any single act of sex cost them less in time, money and psychic energy; a long time emotional commitment of marriage brings more sexual satisfaction than found with singles or cohabiting couples.
In further support for couples to stay married, the authors stated that in “high-conflict” marriages, divorce generally creates more problems than solves it, especially when children are involved. The children are known to become worse educationally, financially and psychologically. Indeed divorce hurts children. Researches found that eighty- six percent [86%] of unhappy married people who stuck it out for five years reported that their marriages experienced turn around and became much better and happier. Also about seventy-seven [77%] of people who rated their marriages “very unhappy” reported a change to “very happy” or “quite happy” five years later. They opined that just because you’re not getting along now doesn’t mean if you divorce, things will be better. Also it does not mean if you stay together things will stay that bad. At the same time, there is no fast rule that if you stay put things will not get worse or out of hand. These concepts may be very difficult to accept and seem illogical to someone stuck in a terrible marriage, going through crude and disrespectful relationship.
However these views are viable to some extent; they support couples to stay married. Again whatever God designed and created should be right and very good. When we cherish marriage relationship, we applause companionship. God says in the Genesis of the scriptures, it’s not good for man to be alone. He made him a companion, a wife not a knife. What God made for man was so adorable that when he saw her, he was excited and joyfully exclaimed “This is the bone of my bones and the flesh of my flesh.” It also depicted that God hates loneliness. Loneliness is a dreaded disease and it hurts to see your dreamed beloved leave, if any element of love was still in existent. God created mankind as social being who enjoys the company of each other. They blend into each other, the more they stick together in love and peace. They share good and bad times together and enjoy the gains and the pains of togetherness. They respect and appreciate each other as well as their children. When in love they think of what to do to nourish their relationship and always ask: what shall I do to add flavor, inject or provoke more love into the other half. Together they strive to preserve their love for each other and this strengthens their relationship; boycott every intruder and external influences and invaders. The love that flow from couples, descend on the offsprings and engulf them. The children become more secure and will be able to withstand threats from outsider. Healthy marriage just don’t happen, it requires hard work on the part of the couples. Good marriage has been likened to good hand washing. It washes better when the two hands are at work; the water and the sink [or basin] must be clean. As the hands meet with the water, the two hands rub and clean each other until both hands are thoroughly washed clean.
People admire good marriages; good married couples are applaud everywhere they are present but however not every good looking marriage on the outside is healthy. Some may look good on their way to Church service or wedding ceremony. It could be just a make shift or pretense to cover up. A friend of mine calls it cheerful deceit. Whatever it’s they are still living together, I mean lonely together. In the eyes of the public they have a good marriage but deep inside it’s liken to living in a red hot fire. Nobody in his right frame of mind loves bad marriage; it’s worst than death and could be likened to dying slowly. The couples live like co-tenants; living lonely together. Instead of love, hate takes center stage. They are incompatible and underlined is gross disrespect. Mutual respect is a great gain and juicy ingredient for living together. You can obey somebody but have no respect for him/her. But respect proceeds love; you cannot love somebody except you first of all respect him/her. Not because He/she does things right; but he/she is a human being and deserves respect. He/she is your spouse whom you have a vow to love and cherish. Not a carpet to match or piece of furniture to sit or stand on. Some people believe because they make more money than their other half, they must worship them. They love and value money than their spouses. Apart from disrespecting and abusing their spouses, they also deny them their love [sex] as punishment as well as ridicule them before their children. Others are bent on pursuing their careers; they put their personal goals over the family; spent less time with their spouses and children.
When the relationships with their spouses sour they turn on ‘do or die’ love on the children. Thank God for the gift of children; they were not given to us to use as tools. Are they trying to satisfy some mundane ulterior motives? Who are they in competition with and for what? If you do not love your spouse whom you had a marriage covenant [vows] with, how do you think you will love the offspring’s that came from the marriage? Even though women are blessed to be carriers of our offspring’s in their wombs and enjoy the associated bonding better than men, they have the ultimate responsibility to make their children see and feel sacrificial love as against selfish hate. It’s also the corporate responsibility of parents to ensure the home is hospitable for their children. They can only see and feel that love in their parents. More so, the love between husband and wife is different from the love between mother/father and child. Where parents are always in locker heads, the children see, learn and emulate strife, conflicts, hate and tussles. It’s better for a child if he/she was not born than being born into warring parenting hateful relationship. Children born into conflicts start experiencing conflict in the womb, witness and experience this inhabitable lifestyle as well as emulate it. They learn to quarrel over little matters, become aggressive and angry; fighting the ‘me-first’ war and learn to be manipulative in order to achieve their goals. Unfortunately they go to school with that bias, become stubborn and indiscipline. Many of them in want of the love and security denied them at home are lured into gangs, witchcrafts, and other sorts of cult. They live believing they should always have their ways by fair or foul means. They are prone to end up in Boot camps and later graduate into penitentiaries; may constitute societal menace or even meet untimely death.
Events have revealed that high tension or high conflict marriages breed incidents of domestic violence and homicides. When couples have had incidence of prolonged abuses and emotional torture, it’s dangerous to still have them together unless one is waiting for imminent clash or hostility to occur that will be detrimental not only to the couples but also the children. Most couples tolerate and endure marriage because of their claimed love for children. It could be underlined by financial security or what people shall say. They live like co-tenants for years and raise children who cannot wait to leave home; some may have nothing to do with the hostile home that raised them. Again most couples in bad marriage do not go for counseling. They fear being turned into laughing stock. Even when the tussle is very glaring, they often deny them, just to keep the battered prestige, if one ever existed. Again not all who possess sign post and Call cards as counselors have the very practical experiences to handle and bring about reconciliation between couples in crises. They have theoretical knowledge [the letters of the law] and not the spirit of the law. They may not be experienced in what they have not experienced. This group of ‘arm-chaired councilors’ end up causing more troubles than offer solutions.
Most people who have become elders by virtue of long stay in foreign land and long distance from our lands of origin are not worth their salt. Many of them have been drinking that bad water of high tension marriage for years that they cannot distinguish between what is bad and good. Even if they know the truth, they may not speak because they too stand on slippery grounds. Most clergies dare not talk about the mess in marriages for fear of loosing their enablers [high tithe payers]. They keep sealed lips and watch their backs.
Neither bad, high- conflict marriage nor divorce has a good outcome. For this reason we should make our marriages work by making it a priority. We should place our marriages above money, career, children and any other business. If you love your spouse, you will love her children; care and work to provide for them. We should take our marriages seriously for the effect of divorce is catastrophic. We should love God enough to honor and respect His designed and created union. He also designed and instituted authority and principles in which good marriages is workable, flourish and sustained. If our marriages must work, we ought to abide by God’s intentions and principles. When we practice God principles and respect His authority in marriage, we could then go to Him in repentance of our failures, mend our broken lives and rebuild our temples. Neither bad marriage nor divorce is commendable. There are evidences that Satan had wrecked God’s creation.
Reach: Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com OR Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272.