INFLUENCE OF MONEY IN MARITAL HARMONY

Preface: This topic appears more manufactured than biblical aimed at examining the place or function of money in marriage relationship. It shall attempt to briefly define Christian marriage from biblical viewpoint, examine the responsibility of couples in handling material things particular money and the havoc inappropriate handling of money could cause marital peace and harmony. It shall also look into money pitfalls in marriage and how to avoid them. Finally it shall consider the strategic roles money plays in marriage – how couples should use money as God designed it to work for them to bring about marital harmony, collective progress and achievements.

A. What’s Christian marriage?

A Christian marriage is a union between two persons [male and female] whereby they vow to be committed to sharing life together. God designed and instituted it for companionship, multiplication, fruitfulness and nurturing life together.

Let us briefly peruse this passage: Gen. 2:18-25 and highlight salient truths:

Vs 18- God said it‘s not good for man to be alone. He created a companion, helpmate suitable for his need. Then Proverbs 18:22 added, ‘He who finds a wife finds a good thing and favor from the Lord.’

Vs 21-22.God then chose [not picked] one rib out of man, made the rib into a woman and brought her to the man. The first marriage was a relationship of two people who had lived as one and later married again into one – a unit or couple.

Vs 23. Man excitingly acknowledged his missing rib and named her woman, because she came from him[not woo to man].

Vs 25. They were both naked but never embarrassed and ashamed. They were transparent and had no hiding place or act.

A i. What Christian marriage is not? I. It‘s a mistake of God’s intent or biblical position to address marriage as partnership. In partnership, two people do business together with their identity and personality distinct; are individually legally responsible. Two people cleaved together and became one.

2. In partnership exit plan are in place right from the start. In marriage two cleave, glue together and only death do them part. Divorce is man’s made and not God’s plan. Moses concession to the pressure of the Israelites was because of human selfishness, hardness of heart and unforgiveness.

3. In partnership profit and loss are shared individually but marriage share their gain and loss collectively. Married couples should pool their money together and be jointly responsible for their bills and each other’s debts.

B. Highlights of basic principles of Christian marriage:

[i] When two people decide to marry, they must be prepared to assume responsibilities of each other; the opposite complement the other to perform tasks, harmonizing self to ensure collective growth, progress and achievement.

[ii] Be ready and willing to share in each other joys, burdens and predicaments.

[iii] The bible says you can have both God and money but you cannot serve both. When you serve God He shall cause money to serve you.

[iv] Drop every aspect of me-first mentality and selfishness. Deliberately choose to be naked or open to your spouse in communication, values, goal setting, and accomplishments as well as in every thing.

[v] Agree on mutual submission and choose to respect each other’s opinion and accept differences. For example: Men and women and different in how they view money and related matters. Men are physical while women are emotional; men are functional while women are more relational.

C. Money and relationship:

Literally, money is a legal tender for exchange of goods and services. It’s any stamped piece of metal or any paper notes, authorized by a government as a means of exchange and store of value. An author said, “if sex is the impulsive marriage assassin, money is the killer that slowly strangles.” No pressure on couples and family today exceeds money pressure.’ Money is intoxicating and capable of enslaving people. It will work you till you die. It possess the power to rule our lives, not for good and forever as Christ; but to lure us like a moth, too close to the flame until finally our wings are set ablaze. Money could promote pride, greed and selfishness.

Money is not just a temptation for a moment of carnal pleasure; it’s a temptation for us to be conquered by an inert, mindless master, one incapable of saving us from sin or satisfying the deep hunger of our soul for true peace, meaning and purpose. ‘Money is morally neutral just like a handgun. Put a pistol in the hand of a policeman and it’s a tool of justice but in the hand of a criminal, it’s an instrument of evil.’ Money is simply a commodity, an inert means to other ends but what we do with money brings problems. We need money to meet our family needs; money is a real need whether one is rich or poor. Everybody needs money and we never get enough. More money brings more responsibilities [Eccl.5:11].Four [4] means through which we get money are:

* We exchange our labor for it. * We hire others and earn profit on their labor.

* We take risks calculated to earn money. * We rent it to others.

Money represents power in relationship because money is wealth and God gave us power to get wealth [Due. 8:18]. Money answers everything [Eccl. 10:19]. Money is a defense [Prov. 7:12]. The power money brings can be a wonderful asset in marriage if used wisely or causes abuse and conflicts if handled foolishly. So money does whatever we put it in use to do.

Marriage is a relationship between two persons [male and female-not same sex] from two different families linkages. Each family has its own history of money matters – how incomes come in, are spent and saved, if at all; who pay the bills and run bank account[s] and how decisions are reached. Mary Hunt writing on Debt-proof your marriage said, ‘the way your parents handled money during your childhood may have a lot to do with the way you think about money today.’ People’s beliefs about money are learnt in their families of origin as they grew up and affect their concepts and approach to money matters when they get married. Money management at home is not a core school subject so it’s learned by observation or emulation. If you came from a loving home where money was handled behind closed doors you may not know or seen who pay bills or bring more money home. Surprisingly, you never heard any complained yet your mum cooked great meals, kept clean and spotless house and had great respect for your father. As you grew up and get married, you never actually think about how money matters could be sorted out in your marriage. It could even be that your mum did not work or worked for convenience or even own a home-based business but with your father meager income they were happy couples and raised wonderful family. Today, you and your wife work two jobs each and earn higher income yet you cannot make ends meet; quarrel over money and bills settlement than any other matters. Most times the way their current family [marriage] deals with money may differ from the family of birth. This could pose some teething problems.

It was neither our custom in Africa nor were we occasioned by our circumstances to discuss money matters with our spouse during courtship or early in our married life. To initiate such discussion could have been considered a taboo or bad omen for the marriage. If the woman should probe much into her husband’s finances, the man may think she was after his life and that could end the relationship. The husband and even the wife’s income handled money matters, if she earned any. So most people were reluctant to raise or discuss money issues and wealth during courtships [if they had one] and in early years of marriage. This failure has constituted unexplainable problems especially as they move to America that operates different culture and way of life. Some cease the opportunity of the new environment [new found freedom] to make mountain out of molehills especially where the wives bring home more bacon. Even when discussed some had developed unforeseeable uprisings that affected initial plans.

Such issues include: * Change of status in life * Extended family demands * Societal expectations * Individual crazy spending habits – shopping spree * Loss of job or in ability to get befitting job by one’s spouse. * Payment of bills * operating separate accounts * Inability to harmonize diverse interest of spouses * Trying to emulate the manner family of origin or friends handled money matters etc.

However, the truth about money and relationship reveals if couples could agree on four [4] things before marriage, they will have higher probability of success and harmony.

There are: [a] religion, [b] in – laws, [c] parenting and [d] money. These are very important because men and women are different in how they view money. Men tend to take more risk and may not save for emergencies – money is scorecard, while women see money as security matter to accommodate their fear for rainy day or otherwise. Again opposite attracts – One of the couples could be good in keeping figures while the other a free Spirit. This affects the way they see or spend money. Money is either the best or the worst area of communication in marriage. Financial counselors advise that money and money fights are number one cause of separation and divorce. Couples should discuss all finances, work the budget together and settle expenses. When they agree, who pay the bills is irrelevant.

D. Money and marital harmony:

The bible says, ‘the love of money is the root of all evil’ [1 Tim.6: 10]. It does not say money is evil but the love of money above God, human beings including your spouse is evil. Money answers everything. It’s what you choose to do with money that makes it good or bad. We can tell what they are by what they do [Matt. 7:16]. We are called to look out for one another’s interest, not just our own [Phil 2:4]. Selfishness towards our spouse is a sin that blocks our fellowship with God and keeps our prayers from being answered [1 Pt 3:7; Prov 28:9]. Jesus sums up the problem of money, “no one can serve two masters. You cannot serve both God and money [Matt.6: 24], just as you can’t serve your spouse and money. Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income [Eccl.5: 10]. When Jesus is your master, money serves you but if money is your master you become its slave. Wealth is no sin but failing to use it for Gods glory is. God uses money to test our faithfulness as a servant. How we manage our money affects how much God can bless our lives. If we have not been trust worthy in handling worldly wealth who will trust us with true riches? [Luke 16: 11].

Pastor T D Jakes said in marriage two persons cleave together and become a unit, a couple in flesh, Spirit and soul; working together, surviving together and striving together. These two vowed in the name of God and before great crowd witnesses [angels in heaven and men on earth] to be together [in joy and in sorrow] till death separate them.

God command wives to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord and husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. The opposite of submit is resist while the opposite of love is hate. Patrick Morley writing on Man on the mirror opined, ‘most women in our contemporary society take exception to the concept of submission. The goal of this instruction is not to reduce women to servants or doormats but to provide an authority structure in marriage.’ Many couples eat together, sleep together, have children together but are divided in money matters, because of the love of money above each other and above God. The result is that they live lonely together like roommates than couples. ‘Their social and sexual needs are met but intimacy as friends never developed.’ It’s impossible to yield [submit/love] to one another unless you respect him/her. You could be forced to obey someone but not to respect him/her. It’s a disobedience to God commandment to disrespect each other [Eph. 5:21; Col.3: 18,19]. If there’s mutual submission to God by couples how an intangible thing like money can or who earns more separate couples, cause quarrels, disagreements and fights. Does it matter who earns more? Why should that affect decision making or spending? If Adam was sufficient alone, God couldn’t have made Eve. If one spouse brings home more bacon than the other, should the financial imbalance present potential source of conflict between spouses? Their children can tell who makes more or bring more money home, pay their bills and provide for their needs. What a shame?

In my opinion, moneys made by either husband and/or wife are for the family. Every family should use it judiciously to meet their needs. It’s a blessing from God. Every family has a head. As the man is the head of the family, the woman is the neck without which the head would not turn. When money becomes a priority one person begins to neglect the other and that create conflicts and emotional separation. When your spouse is not your main focus you begin to neglect your duties to him/her. When Eve took her eyes off her head-Adam and started listening more to the serpent, she believed the deceiver than God. She took her marriage for granted The outcome was lust and produced sin that led into Spiritual death.

Again the book of Proverbs 31 expounds the qualities of a virtuous woman. She is hard to find, worth more than jewels. Her husband put his confidence in her and she never disappointed him, she does good and never harm. She work hard to bring food home and get up early to prepare food for the family; she’s a brilliant, strong and industrious, always busy looking for the family needs. Her children appreciate her and husband praises her saying many women are good wives but you are the best. This woman is exceptional, respect and submits to her husband just unto the Lord. She put on the apron of humility to serve her husband and household [1 Pt 5:5].

The scripture teaches us three [3] perspectives of money and prosperity as follows:

[i] Poverty Theology: Those who believe in this perspective are disgusted with worldliness. They are non materialistic and believes possessions are curse and reject materialism in any and every form [Luke 18:18-22].

[ii] Prosperity Theology: These disciples believe that prosperity is the reward of the righteous. They live consumption lifestyles; believe you have not because you have not asked. Explain the lack of others as lack of faith. They learned and teach tithing and experiencing material blessings. Wealth to them is a right from God. You have to give to receive[ 2Cor.9:6-8].

[iii] Stewardship Theology: Stewards believe God owns and control everything. Possessions are privileges and not rights. They concede that possession is a trust given in varying proportions. It comes from faithfully administrating of talents as given by God in His sole discretion.

While prosperity gospel holds no water because it claims you must give to receive in disregards of your motives whether you are living in sin or obtain the wealth in obscure manner. Poverty theology is equally full of holes. People in it think they must be poor to be humble. These appear mistaken. Being a steward is more of an attitude and a mean of looking at life as a caretaker. It considers our own interest and that of others and upholds a better balance of God’s word. A gospel writer opined that when you host a dinner party, the preparations, clean ups and service are as important as enjoying your friends company and meal. It includes both work and reward. The blessings of the Lord bring wealth, and he adds no sorrow or trouble to it [Prov.10: 22].

As Christians – be husbands or wives, we are stewards of God’s gifts. Whatever you do in the family you are a servant, administering God’s gifts and God is the Master and Judge. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus [Phil.2: 5]. A wife is a gift from God and in His eyes and design man and woman are as one [Gen. 2: 24]. Our children depend on us for their needs in the same way we look up to our Heavenly Father for ours. Every healthy family flows from a joyful couple and are blessings to the Church, for they shall together become good stewards in the house of God and become lights not only to their children, Church family and their world. They shall be faithful servants of the Lord in their homes and communities. If you weigh your services, how would God receive you – well done good and faithful servant or sorry, I don’t know you. Rick Warren in The purpose driven life said, most people fail to realize that money is both a test and a trust from God. You can’t hate your spouse and claim to love the Lord. It does not matter how often you lift up your hands in praise. God loved and gave His all [Jn 3:16]. God tests our marriage vows; how we treat our spouse, respect their feelings and opinions, accommodate their differences and treat their silences.

Conclusion. I recommend as follows:

1.Couples should understand their natural tendencies and appreciate their differences. Be open to each other in all things; discuss the issue of money and how it should be handled.

2.Be honest with each other about specific desires and priorities. Together you should define and develop your peculiar lifestyle that may be different from those of your parents, friends and relatives. The approach that worked for your parents may not work for your marriage.

3. If you could do it, joint account is the best. If not share responsibilities according to your income and leave some balance for personal expenses like gas, lunch at work, sanitary items etc Married couples should pool their moneys rather than have separate accounts. All incomes belong jointly to both couple and should be use for the family

4. Learn how to manage money wisely. It gives you both a sense of control and security that is imperative to building a solid future as couple.

5. Disagreement are inevitable when it comes to financial commitments to each other but be able to discuss your differences openly and settle them fairly. Money is intertwined with trust in a relationship, so the more you can talk about money the better the relationship.

It’s pertinent that most people go to work to enable them provide for the family but some loose balance along line between task and relationship. Unfortunately the society we live in acknowledges financial achievements as measure of success higher than people and relationship. Little wonder most people succeed at work and fail at home and in life. However no amount of success at work can compensate for failure at home. It does not really matter how much each couple makes or bring home, the whole money belongs to the family and should be spent jointly judiciously and diligently to meet that need. For this to be achieved, a healthy communication pattern around money matters should be an on going process. This builds security in your relationship and harness closeness and healthy relationship and home.

Patrick Morley writing on ‘man on the mirror’ opined that most men may not be unhappy with their marriage but don’t really enjoy their wives. They have wives but not best friends. In their relationship, there exist fears, anxieties and insecurities. Couples should submit to each other, delegate functions but share responsibilities; express opinion on all matters especially money matters. If you do not trust your spouse on money matters you can’t trust him/her for nothing. Let money build your home than wreck it.

Email:gkapin53@yahoo.com can reach elder Ogbonnaya G.

[Extracts of Talk presented by Elder Ogbonnaya, Godswill at Marriage Seminar 2005 on November,13 held at Temple Rebuilders Ministries,Inc Houston ,Texas, USA]