Healthy Christian marriages: The guiding spirits and philosophies

Healthy Christian marriages: The guiding spirits and philosophies

Evangelist Godswill N. Ogbonnaya

Healthy Christian Marriages:

The guiding spirits and philosophies

Evangelist Godswill N. Ogbonnaya

ABC Publishing Company

Houston, United States of America

ABC Publishing Company,

XXX Harwin Drive,

Houston, TX77036.

Copyright © 2014 by ABC Publishing Company.

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All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. The text of this publication, or any part thereof, may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, storage in a retrieval system or otherwise, without prior written permission of the publisher.

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PREFACE                                                                

The purpose of this book is to highlight

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Contents

Chapter 1: Making the decision

1.1       Marriage is a choice

1.2       Is marriage still commendable?

1.3       Choosing a spouse

1.4       Is marriage for everybody?

1.5       Are Men and women are different?

1.6       Belonging [yoking] together

Chapter 2: Good marriage and healthy family

2.1       Good marriage breeds good family

2.2       A healthy family stay married

2.3       How safe is your Home?

Chapter 3: Responsible Parenting

 3:1       Responsible Parenting

3: 2       Responsible Parenting ii

Chapter 4:  Exemplary Motherhood

4.1       The virtue of a Godly Mother

4.2       An excellent woman

Chapter 5: Celebrating Great Mothers

5.1       Elizabeth – The Godly Mother

5.2      Deborah – A woman of Substance

5.3      The Pride of a Mother

5.4      The Living child is mine

5.5      Ruth – Celebration of family, love and loyalty

Chapter 6:  Fatherhood

4.1      Responsible fatherhood

4.2      Celebrating Fatherhood

4.3      Appreciating Fathers

4.4      I have a Father

4.5    Father command your children and Household

Chapter 7: What is a Christian Marriage?

7.1      The Basic Principles of Christian Marriages

7.2       A Christian Marriage-not a Partnership

7.3        God in a Christian Marriage

7.4        Growing your Marriage

Chapter 8: Becoming a Good Christian Husband

8.1       A Christian Husband

8.2       Challenges facing today’s Christian Husband

8.3      Boaz-A man of distinguished Personality

8.4       Qualities of a Good Christian Husband

Chapter 9:  Relationship Management

Chapter 10:   God hates divorce.

Chapter 11: Money and Matrimonial Harmony

11.1      Money and Christian Relationship

11.2      Money and Matrimonial Harmony

Chapter 12: The Spirits and Philosophies for Healthy Marriages

7.1       The Spirits and Philosophies for Healthy Marriages

7.2      Help Mate Spirit

7.3      Compassionate Spirit

7.4      Putting the pieces together

7.5       Forgiveness- The Hallmark of Wellness

Chapter 1

 Making the decision

“Some pray to marry the man they love, my prayers will somewhat vary, I humbly pray to Heaven above that I love the man I marry.”- Rose Strokes

1.1    Marriage is a Choice

      One difficulty that often challenges the human spirit is that of making choices. There are a variety of options competing for man’s attention. God created man a freethinking agent, every human being has the freewill to choose between good and evil, and the responsibility for doing so. Peter Kreeft writing on making choices opined, “you will make three choices sometimes between your birth and your death that will change your whole life.

      These choices are: [i] the choice of a God to believe in [ii] The choice of a mate to marry and [iii] the choice of a career to engage. You can choose not to work, you can choose not to marry anyone; but you cannot choose not to believe in something. If your choice of belief is not the true God, it will be one of the society’s many false gods. Something or somebody has to be your number one.” Whatever choice one makes; be it inappropriate or wrong, it will be better than the agnostic perspective of “no choice”.

      Indeed in marriage, as well as in life, choice is a crucial factor and an ongoing event. Jerold Aust writing on marital happiness for Good News Magazine opined, “Some of the choices we make actually create anxiety and disagreement while other choices make life noticeably happier.” Gone are the days God chose a wife for Adam. Even though the wife was within Adam, who then married to her thereafter, their marriage still experienced problems. Adam blamed God for making that choice for him. It was not long before the sons of God chose to marry the daughter of men. He repented (feel regret, grieved), and the Lord, thereafter, allowed mankind choice of spouses. God possesses an intense love for mankind; and divine attentiveness to the plight of human race [Genesis 6:5-6].

      Some in our society, especially those living abroad, return home to marry either through recommendation or chosen by parents, relations or friends. Some on the long run work out while others collapse. The individuals who get into these marriages are accountable for their choices.

      In a Christian marriage, one is also required to choose one’s spouse. Some make this choice without weighing the implications and consequences. It could turn out to be a wise choice or a foolish one. It is foolish when it is based on infatuation because one may have little or no knowledge of the institution. Thinking it is a handbag affair: you can pick up and let down at will. Some fail to realize that people are uniquely created and are different from one another, and their choices would therefore, differ. Others hold the misconception that since it was God’s design, it would be problem free. It becomes a wise decision when made diligently, with better understanding of the wisdom, purpose and rules of the institution; having faith that it’s a lifelong decision and workable. Although you may not get all the indices right, trust God who instituted marriage to make it not only to work but also to be joyful.

      We live in an age that the institution of marriage has been dangerously attacked, especially in advanced countries. Some laws seem to negate the interest of marriage. Folks want marriage but reject submission the same way they want the crown without going through the cross. There are struggles of leadership in some homes; most times innocent children are dragged into the conflict, exposing them to unhealthiness. Some people complain that their spouses are controlling, disrespectful, unhelping, and unliving. These rivalries most times cause misunderstandings and upset home peace. Researches from most western countries reveal about half of all marriages end in divorce. Some of the marriages had long time emotional hangover, just like gunpowder awaiting fire. As often as these happen, the couples point accusing fingers at each other.

      Among many Africans, especially those who got married at home countries and moved to reside in such western countries as United States; it becomes a cold war of two cultures. While the man insists on the headship conferred on them by God and culture, the woman protected by the laws of the land maintains they too have equal right to headship. Little surprise that in the united states, most women are head of households; becoming a societal norm that cut across religious belief. Many couples, therefore, have sour relationship that are only held together by what people would say, children, financial coexistence and security, lack of sufficient muscle to call it quit or by the dictates of  religious beliefs. Since most African cultures frown at divorce, these people live “together” in loneliness; publicly they are husbands and wives but within the house, they are just cotenants living in pretentions. Some talk to each other and call sweet names only when they have visitors or are in public in cheerful deceit. Frankly, most African marriages crack beyond meaningful repairs yet they still share the same roof, perhaps waiting who has the muscles to fire the first shut. Other races are quick to call off the game.

      Most people believe God created the union of man and woman out of his wisdom and plan; but they enter into the institution without giving the Creator his rightful place. They only run to him when they are caught up in troubles emanating from their lack of adequate knowledge of the rules of the Christ-oriented love-dance, not making Jesus the chairperson of their relationship or not abiding in him. Good enough these troubles bring them back to their senses and make them seek their maker.

      God the creator of the universe, the designer and institutor of marriage holds the union very highly. He established guideline and rules to run the institution, without which, it would fail. These are contained in the manufacturer’s manual [the Word] which God has placed at our disposal. The manual reveals how marriage should be entered into, run and managed as well as exit plans, if it becomes necessary. In it, God advised uncompromising adherence and abidance to the rules. Entering into marriage without first weighing its implications would only lead to marital conflicts. Those who rush into it unprepared get burnt, and then turn around to blame God.

      Obviously, marriage is neither compulsory nor a temporary affair. For this reason Apostle Paul opined that it is good for one to remain unmarried, but to avoid immoralities associated with single’s lifestyle everyone should marry. It means you can choose to remain single. But if you make that choice, ensure you live in decent and moral purity, void of fornication and other sexual vices. That will not only keep you from sexual transmitted diseases, but will also enable you lead toward a sanctified life.

      The most important choice that any couple would make in marriage relationship is to put God first. After God, your spouse follows. There’s no competition between God and your spouse. When God is given his right place, He provides wine to the feast, calms the storms, and restores peace. By reading the scripture and praying together, couples discuss ways to nourish their relationship and serve each other better as dictated by biblical principles. So doing, couples achieve joy in marriage as well as attain collective progress; whereas unnecessary disagreements are eased off. The resulting closeness brings unity and oneness, leading to healthy relationship and happy home.

1.2 Marriage is still Commendable

      In our society, marriage is disintegrating, and its values depleting; divorce rate is skyrocketing; gay marriages are instituted and getting unholy welcome, while single parenthood had long gained general acceptance, becoming another way of life. The common law provision supporting cohabitation for six months as marriage does not help matters.  The questions that often come to mind are: Is marriage still commendable? Is marriage preservation still relevant? In our society today, and indeed as in most advanced countries of the world, young people are happy remaining single; they may cohabitate, make love, bear and raise children. Some enjoy rides together, countersign credit cards, lend money to each other, share in each other’s burdens, but are not good enough to commit to one another; they seem to enjoy their freedom. Most folks perceive marriage as bondage and somehow old fashioned or something that has lost its values and dignity. The young men are more skeptical of marriage than ladies. One young man decried: ‘at slightest turn you lose your freedom, treasure, property, and if kicked out, your children to a woman. The laws of the land are in their favor; more so marriage kills love’.  Could it be a wrong perception of reality or a deliberate avoidance of commitment? Are there indeed genuine and disturbing fears? These happenings are commonplace.

Notwithstanding, marriage is a union between two persons-man and woman; whereby they vow to be committed to sharing life together. This corporate existence is God’s design; instituted for companionship, multiplication and fruitfulness, and nurturing life together. Because this union is God-oriented; ordained and intended to transcend all human relationship, it is often perceived to be problem free. When couples are pronounced husband and wife, even though physically they are two persons, they become one flesh; spiritually cleaved and glued into one. After God created mankind, He commanded them to have dominion, subdue, multiply and fill the earth. Then God caused a man into deep sleep, and out of him made a woman whom He brought to man. Adam excitingly acknowledged, ‘This is now the bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.’ Adam named her woman because she was taken out of man and not ‘woo to man.’ It signifies that the first marriage was a union of a man and a woman who had existed within one body before and became one again after marriage [Genesis.2: 22-24]. Human multiplication involved copulation of two opposite sex [not same sex relationship].

      Pastor T.D. Jakes wrote, “After marriage, the two became one; couple or a unit, working together, surviving together and striving together”. God intends that each couple remain dedicated to each other, through Him. Therefore marriage covenant is made with one’s spouse, but with God at the center. God is the originator and designer of marriage relationship and in Him all the imperfections work perfectly for His pleasure and glory.

       Marriage is honorable among all. Couples should respect and honor each other, least their fires extinct. If marriage is to be honored it means it is worth every while, dignified, and has a sure foundation. It is neither to be taken for granted, nor treated with lesser concern. It derives its definition and authority from God rather than from contemporary cultural ideas. No matter what cultural practice is obtainable, marriage is God’s idea; led and determined by Him. Also, God who instituted it will judge immorality and unfaithfulness [Hebrews 13:4].

     Jesus expressed the original intent of marriage when He said, “Don’t you know that in the beginning, the creator made them male and female? And for this reason a man shall leave his mother and father and joined to his wife and they become one person with his wife and no longer two. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate” [Matthew 19: 4-6]. Isn’t it therefore honorable to be married? Little wonder Proverbs 18:22 says: He who finds a wife finds a good thing and favor from the Lord. Whatever is honorable is commendable. God became a husband to Israel while Jesus has the Church as His bride and also her Head. God spoke to the Children of Israel through Prophet Jeremiah: “marry and have children. Then let your children get married so that they also may have children. You must increase in numbers and not decrease [Jeremiah 29: 6]. For men to subdue and dominate the earth, they got to multiply and increase in number. We have to get married and raise children, teach them fear of the Lord, to obey His commandment, so as to possess the land, win and conquer in battles.

     Marriage is not only honorable but should be undefiled. Both couples should enter into marriage relationship pure and undefiled. Marriage should begin in marital bed; two come together naked in body and soul. The Institutor of marriage intended a pursuit of purity and newness. Couples should never have had sexual relationship before marriage.  That being the case, there would be no basis to compare one person’s act of love-making with another; they should have had no previous experiences of past relationships. Whatever they do would be fresh and new [Leviticus 21:13-15]. Remember, any act of impurity was punishable by stoning to death. Apostle Paul advised that it was good for one not to marry; but that to avoid the sin of immorality, let everyone marry and be subject to the laws of marriage and maintain sexual purity [1Corinthians 7: 2-3; Romans 7: 2-3].

     It is no surprise that Apostle Paul advised Church Officers to be faithful in marriage and be able to manage their household well. He, as well, urged young widows to get married, have children and take care of their household so as to give our enemies no chance of speaking evil of them [1Timothy 3: 12; 5:14]. These injunctions are more relevant today than there were in the days of early Church. Our society enjoys sexual promiscuity and this act has been invaded by AIDS, HIV and other incurable infectious diseases. In the Old Testament, sexual sins attracted punishment by stoning to death; but in our days incurable sexually transmitted diseases stone the body. Moreover, there are heaps of stones beside many hotels, motels and brothels. Despite the imperfections often experienced in marriage due to not heeding to the formula of mutual submission, mutual respect and sacrificial love, the word of God commend marriage as honorable.

       Marriage has been so persecuted in our age than any other by same sex mates, broken vows, comparing and conflicting relationships; experiences infected by sore past, infidelity and disease; spreading those who put their faith in God and hold to the tenet of the institution like clay in porters hand. We may be marred and damaged yet when we become renewed in Christ He cleans us again and by the power of the Holy Spirit put together the pieces and remolds us into perfect whole. Whatever one may be going through in marriage, it amount to nothing that the designer cannot touch and heal. Only be willing to let go and sacrificially begin again. For marriage to be commendable, it must be entered into with commitment and determination to make it work, upholding and nourishing it daily. From the start couples must acknowledge God at the center, treating God as a priority and imputing daily nourishment of God. Marriage is both honorable and commendable but the crown is obtained through the cross. That’s why people still believe in the institution and daily, couples take the vows of togetherness, sharing lives and pursuing excellence.

1.3    Choosing a Spouse

          People go through a lot in our world; some are hard to mention, others unbelievably doubtful, making no sense; but yet true and everyday occurrences. For example: marriages are collapsing, homosexual lifestyle getting popular salutation, and married couples openly identifying with ‘Swinging clubs’. Divorce rate is steeply on increase, with its associated problems begging for attention. A great number of couples in marriage relationship are so frustrated that they want to jump out, while those outside are zealously knocking for entrance, not knowing what to expect. Others are quick to say, “yes I do” before thinking about what they have said. Yet most young people look forward to getting married while single parents still hope in God for a second chance of catching a ‘Mr. or Ms. right’; a loving spouse, and getting married. As married couples go through the difficulties of understanding each other, some still wonder whether they made the right choices. On the other hand, the institution of marriage is, on a daily basis, rudely attacked by those who hate ‘real’ relationship. They live on feelings and sentiments; having regards for nothing meaningful.

        Despite the attacks on this God-oriented institution, many people still believe and appreciate its place in human history and society. They believe that marriage is a relationship between man and woman. The underlying footstool is based on unconditional love and not infatuation. This belief opposes the opposite perspective of same sex marriage, subtly created by Satan to further his attack on God, His institutions and creations.

       Again, most youths desire spouses in their lives. They look forward to dating and marrying someone someday, as well as raising a family. Parents are quick to ask when they shall have their grand and great grandchildren. By getting married and raise families, we raise children that increase the families, our communities, as well as nations.

         Many of us get thrilled traveling to countries of origin to get married, whereas some prefer to choose their spouses in our communities abroad. The latter should be encouraged because such choices give our children born and raised abroad the rare opportunity to be married to someone from their ancestral town and country. More so those born and raised abroad appear to understand the system better than those imported from home. For those who married at home, some spouses were hand-picked by parents or some family relations. A good number of our people living abroad did not have adequate courtship to know or understand who they were marrying. Some married out of infatuation or just to end single lifestyle. As couples come together and experience the un-envisaged challenges of married life, some pause to wonder if they were to do it all over again, would they choose the same spouse? Some are quick to say ‘yes’ in their mouths but probably ‘no’ in their hearts. As a matter of fact those living as co-tenants have already regretted ever getting married to one another.

      Are you then surprised at the statement, “Single people are sad while married people are mad?” In this statement abide the claims by a great number of singles to live happily while married people are mad and sad; quarrelsome and live in conflict. The marital problems some couples face make the singles get scared of going into marital relationship. Many among them are survivors of conflicted homes where marriage was a disaster; and tend to carry the fear of marriage a little bit too far. Some couples in relationships that had been shortened by divorce or separation still wear the pains; affecting their abilities to move on. Some have, however, breathed sigh of relief saying, ‘thanks God it’s all over’; we have put that behind us and can now move on.

       When one reflects deeply on some of the issues confronting marital relationship these days, one realizes that a great deal is depended on choice. This is a serious cause for concern and very frightening too. Are you surprised many singles are consciously asking how do we know and choose the right spouse? It may not be easy to provide all the answers in this book. There are, however, some crucial factors to consider. I stumbled on Focus on the Family publication of November 2005, Home Reference Guide in which an expert, Dr James Dobson answered, “What are factors I should consider before saying I do” and shall attempt to incorporate some of his opinions here:

1. Choose someone that you cannot live without; one you have great passion for, you can forgive without his/her saying sorry; who you like and love. Do not choose one you think you can live with; you love but do not like. It should be one you like his/her fancies and frowning and of course always fun to be with. Not someone you barely try or struggle to be with, hoping it will get better. Perhaps you were just crazy about appearance and threw character to the air. You can’t stand his/her utterances, body disposition and negative behavior. You should better be mentally prepared to accept both good and bad, once you say I do.
2. Choose someone you can tolerate not someone you plan to change in future. You’ll soon find out that you cannot change anybody. You may end up biting more than you can chew. Human beings are complicated in nature. Do not play silly and get into unending troubles. Choose meticulously and sensibly.
3. Some people make impulsive choices; they marry as if something was chasing them. They marry with little or no thoughts to what they are about doing. Others choose because their age mates were getting married or just to get over with it. An African adage says, the market that hurriedly assembles also disperses in the same manner. As they hurriedly say, “I do”, the same way they say “I don’t”. Marriage is a critical life-changing decision. It calls for careful thoughts and prayers. Before you say, ‘I do’, do seriously and meticulously walk through the early stages of the bonding process. Do not allow infatuation to push you to what you do not need; that may hurt you a lifetime. It is very easy to enter but difficult to quit especially where children are involved.
4. Many youths move in with their spouses before marriage. As simple as that may appear, they have complex consequences. You appear to run where you should walk; rushing into what you should have for a lifetime. If you get free what you should have paid for, there becomes no need to hurry into commitment of marriage.  Marriage is gotten through compromise; and in the same manner shall it hold.  Pre-marital co-habitation is an immoral behavior, as well as a violation of Gods’ law. The co-habitants are insensitive to God’s instructions. There are some Spiritual repercussions for such actions
5. Some people enter into marriage institution ignorantly. They have neither the education nor the knowledge of what they have entered into. That is also reflected in their behavior and utterances. Some marry too young, thereby floating in instability and immaturity. When the wind blows they are uprooted without resistance. Many spouses lack exposure and have been living individual life. They find it hard to change to the real life of sharing when they get married. They need some coaching before attempting co-existence lifestyle that marriage demands. Otherwise, the situation could breed incompatibility and selfish lifestyle that could break the union.
6. Choose someone who shares the same faith with you; not just church goers.  If you are a strong Christian; do not choose a moribund or weak Christian for he/she may draw you down. Be prayerful, carefully opening your spiritual eyes because some people run into the church when they become desperate to marry. That, in itself, may be very good; but the bad news is that the moment they get hooked up, some backslide; turning against the church, and becoming worse than unbeliever.  The Church used to be and still is a good place to choose a marital spouse; but do not be deceived; for not all church-goers are true Christians. Some are agents of Satan and soon become internal enemies and accusers of brethren. Do not marry unbelieving believer whose beliefs are only superficial and nominal.
7. Choose a spouse who believes in life long relationship. One who shares most values you share: such as mutual respect and submission as well as willingness to honor spouse than oneself. One who will respect God’s provision of authority in marriage. Do not be deceived by physical attraction or character pretense. If you think that you may not get along, it is dangerous to manage. Some couples are just husband/wives but their relationship never developed into friendship. Others live in competition instead of being complementary. These dilemmas help to ruin the intimacy of family life.

1.4   Is marriage for everybody?

      Marriage is a perfect union designed and instituted by God ever before sin entered into our world. It was made to take place between a man and a woman [Genesis 2:18, 24]. Jesus re-emphasized this model in Matthew 19:5-6. Apostle Paul also directed that younger women should marry, bear children, guide their homes and give no one reason to be reproachful to them [1 Timothy 5:4]. The book of Hebrews describes marriage as honorable [Hebrews 13:4]. It is the divine purpose that most people should get married. Little wonder the Lord said, “It is not good that a man should be alone; I will make a helpmate suitable for him” [Genesis 2:18]. Marriage laws are binding on couples as long as they live [Romans 7:1-3]. The vows should not be broken because God hate separation and divorce [Malachi 2:2]. Divorce is the evidence that Satan had subtly hindered the God-created institution. “There is nothing more special or sacred than to give of yourself completely to another person” Jennifer and Jason Barton – Redbook, June 2008.

      Marriage is, however, not for everybody. The designer and maker of marriage handed down guidelines and rules that will make it work. Negligence of the rules will frustrate it and make it either work under strain condition or crumble. After all, you cannot drive on our roads without observing road signs. Doing so will surely result to chains of automobile disasters. Likewise, consummating a marriage with the God-given rules will result into a chain of marital disasters.

      It will be wrong to attempt to use a product without first going through the manufacturer’s manual and observe the safety and operating instructions. Apostle Paul exhorted that it is good for a man not to touch a woman [1Corinthians 7:1]. To avoid the sin of immorality, however, let every man have his wife and let every wife have her husband. If one does not marry and can keep away from sexual sin, it is better; the person shall devote self to the Lord. Nevertheless, if one marries, such shall have much troubles in the flesh; shall be engaged with thought of how to satisfy each other and raise good family while striving to serve the Lord [1 Corinthians 7:28-36].

Factors that could hinder good marriage

i. Some are Eunuchs: Literally, Eunuch is a man or boy whose testes are non-functioning or have been removed. Such a person may not be able to make babies and have no sex drive. Others are those who are castrated or made impotent through spiritual wickedness. Jesus said, “For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men ……..   [Matthew 19:12a].

One of the characteristics of living thing is to produce after its kind. Again God commanded man to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over all creation [Genesis 1: 31]. Little surprise the Psalmist said, “Lo, Children are a heritage of the Lord; the fruit of the womb is his reward……..happy is a man that has his quiver full of them…….. [Psalms 127:3-5] and read also Psalms 128:3.

ii. Celibacy: The American Heritage college dictionary defines celibacy as sexual abstinence especially for religious vows; it is also a condition of being unmarried. This is a very popular doctrine with the Roman Catholic Church where priests take the oaths of celibacy before ordination. Jesus teaches that there are eunuchs who have themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He, who is able to accept it, let him accept it [Matthew 19:12b]. This is a voluntary acceptance to remain unmarried [or be married to Jesus]; to be set aside to serve God in His fullness.

iii. Self-centeredness: Literally, self-centeredness is willingness to adhere to one’s opinion or in satisfying personal desires. It could mean being stubborn, obstinate, or not caring about other people’s welfare. They are selfish in nature; the “Me-first” people. These people should not enter into marriage because it would be most likely to fail that succeed. Marriage is about sharing and serving each other selflessly; considering one’s spouse before yours. These people will become round pegs in a square holes. They cannot demonstrate love in action and only give you what they do not need. They are greedy, bossy and controlling as well as wicked.

iv. Chosen alternative lifestyles: This situation applies to those who do not live their lives or use their bodies for the traditional uses as God designed it. These people hold the truth of God in unrighteousness, professing to be wise in their minds, possessing vile affection as well as changing their natural uses to unnatural ones [homosexuals: gays, lesbians, partners of swinging clubs [Romans 1:22-32]. Others call themselves bisexuals and transvestites.

v. Mental and physical immaturity: Marriage is not for those who are not matured. It is not for boys and girls or teens that are being spoon-fed by their mothers. The Bible said, “Therefore shall a man [not a boy] leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh” [Genesis 2:24; Mark 10:6-9].  The people must be in readiness and have deeper understanding of what they intend to enter into; they must understand God’s provision and expectation for marriage. They should be responsible financially, emotionally and mentally as well as physically. No doubt, there are some adults who still behave like overgrown babies. They say one thing and mean another; cannot respect or keep commitment to their spouses. They should be able to understand their strengths and weakness and bring them to bear. These people must fear God and preserve in faith; must be God’s children such when they could agree on a thing, God honors it.

vi. Spousal incompatibility: Literally, to be compatible could mean capable of existing or performing in harmony, in agreement, or congenial combination. It also includes bonding, integration or cleaving together. It is better couples be compatible; even when they are not, they should attempt to work it out. Incompatibility could bring a lot of tension and strain on the relationship.  Many couples who may not be patient until it gets to the shores throw in the towel half way; some among them remarry and fight their way through life, living lonely together. This type of marriage experiences leadership conflicts, suffers decision tussles, and usually consumed by dirty infighting. The resultant dysfunctional marital situation adversely affects the children.. I advise against entering into such marriage.

I respect the opinion of those who have deliberately stayed out of marriage because they understand who they are and accept their weaknesses and deficiencies; maintaining a space for those who are not tolerant of their ‘me-first’ attitude. I honor men and women who have set themselves aside so as to devote their lives to worship and serve the God of heaven; they should be faithful in their callings and not mingled with worldliness[1 Corinthians 4:1-2]. ‘If a man purge himself from these he shall become a vessel unto honor, sanctified and meet for the master’s use and prepared unto every good work’[2 Timothy 2:21]. Also let the elder [Bishop] that rules well be counted worthy of double honor, especially they who labor in the word and doctrine. The Laborer is worthy of his reward [1 Timothy 5:17-18].                       

   1.5 Are Men and Women Different?

“Men have sight; Women insight” – Victor Hugo

      In our world, men and women interact in the family, at work and at the Church, in sports and indeed everywhere. The scriptures tell us that God made a man from the soil of the earth; a woman out of the completed work of a man but every man is born of a woman. A man is physical and the world is his heart while a woman is emotional and her heart is her world. “Women marry men hoping they can change while men marry women hoping they will not………The differences between men and women have delighted and puzzled us throughout human history.”  A woman was created with a child bearing body but a man was not [until the recent new age news of a pregnant man who gave birth!]. This half-truth can cause havoc in the minds of the young and the uninformed. “To deny uniqueness of the sexes and supplant God’s sexual ground rules with misguided struggle to swap roles or deny their existence altogether has serious consequences.”

      One interesting lesson is that the Creator designed and built them with different strengths and weaknesses, resources and needs so that they can cleave together and to fit into each other; work together as a team. As a companion, one would therefore become a completion to the other; and the strengths of one complement the strengths of the other.

    In Husband who won’t lead and wife who won’t follow, James Walker  says, “And though it is God who is the ultimate answer to the deepest needs of every human, nonetheless He created male and female: man was made to lead, provide and protect; woman was made to respond, nurture and provide the moral influence of the society.” Our modern view of the role of men and women may have changed but the basic characteristics and built-in sexual differences have never changed. The more mankind tries to design and build-in sex-neutral orientations; attempting to ignore God’s inbuilt gender differences, the more the differences cry for attention. The new found attitudes of independence, emotional detachment and self- sufficiency have put so many marriages and relationships on jeopardy, living lonely together and eventually crumbling.

      The simply frankness and reality of our being is that deep down in each male and female there is a common longing: the desire to find comfort, companionship and fulfillment. Whatever differences that exist between a man and woman God designed it to meet His purpose: to create harmony and satisfaction among them. These differences have, however, been misguided and mishandled, subsequently creating fictions, frustrations, disharmony, rivalry as well as strife and division. Writing in the Philadelphia Trumpet, April, 2009 on Understanding the opposite sex, Joel Hilliker said, “….each person you encounter presents fresh challenges in how to behave without being misinterpreted or hurt. At times the complications of opposite – sex relationships capsize what actually could have developed into a deeper friendship – even a happy marriage. God the Creator had, however, given us ground rules to make our relationship with opposite sex workable.”  In His Word, He prescribes the recipes for harmonized union with opposite sex. It works if known and applied timely.

      First understand the differences between a man and woman and know how to deal with them. Understand the signs of friendship; initiate and reciprocate transparency, mutual respect and submission. Serve each other selflessly. Concentrate on the strengths, not weaknesses. Do not try to change anybody; only God can. Wear daily forgiveness like dress and avoid ‘freezing-up’; find daily appreciation in every event and trash the blames. Stop using your mate as a sign or mirror of performance and self-worth. The only mirror that will accurately reflect you is the unchanging word of God. It may seem politically insensitive to accept that men and women are different and marriage is between man and woman. Even at the cost of losing world titles, suffering hostility, disappointment and persecutions, God’s standard continues to hold up against the world’s false standards of today. Let God’s standard be true and the world’s standard false. Every disappointment and hostility brings God’s appointment and uncommon favor. Indeed we are different but made for a good purpose. Enjoy our differences and be thankful to God.

1.6  Belonging (Yoking) Together

      I once attended a Church Anniversary Service of The Assembly of the Living Word. It was a spirit filled service and well-attended by ministers and God’s people. An out of town preacher/prayer warrior took the center stage and divided the Word unadulterated.  Of interest, the under-shepherd introduced a couple, one a Christian and the other a Muslim. They attended the service and from the look of things, they are happy belonging together. I did not know the couple but believed there must be something that has kept them together as happily married couples. I pondered in my heart: a Christian married to a Muslim and they live happily? You’re kidding me! Are they equally yoked? While Muslim doctrines regard non-Muslim as an infidel! Apostle Paul warns Christians, “Do not be yoked with unbelievers” [2 Corinthians 6:14]. Is it something worth our concern, at a time many marriages are failing? Some who exist live lonely together [as co-tenant], fighting their way to survival. Others have betrayed their mates and in disappointment and retaliation, resulted to committing murder as headlined in the news media. We read and wonder.

      That reminds me of the article I read in ‘TODAY’ magazine [The Family Altar] of Wednesday, May 21, 2008. The first paragraph read, “Years ago when talking to a Christian who had married to a non-Christian, I asked, “Is it difficult to be a Christian when you are married to a non-Christian?” Her answer has stayed with me throughout my ministry. She said, “It almost impossible. We are totally different tracks. When I want to go to Church, he has other plans for us. When I try to do my devotions, he walks away.” Should this be a cross board experience?

      Sometime ago, in a company of a close couple, I walked into a Christian woman who was married to a Muslim.  I asked her how about your husband? She replied, ‘we no longer lived together; I have filed my divorce papers’. How long did you marry? She answered six months. Why did you marry a Muslim in the first place? She said I thought he loved me. I asked again, what was it like marrying a Muslim? I quickly observed that her mood changed and her face turned bloody; perhaps trying to recall the agonies of the failed union. She showed us part of her face and arm where she suffered bruises because of abuses resulting in incompatibility and attempting conversion into Muslim and forced to live a Muslim lifestyle. Could an infidel have lived happily with an unbeliever?

       Experiences have shown that most of such union neither work nor end well. Care about scriptural injunction against unequally yoking? Here are some outlines that could make marriages workable. Both couples must hold some belief: in one God or in cultural gods of Satan. Their belief gives them the inner source of joy in the midst of life’s challenges; guide their attitudes and actions towards each other and other people. They must love for it covers everything and have the commitment to make their marriage work, their differences notwithstanding. The couples should have mutual respect for each other and observe equal limits and boundaries. They allow each person become as much masculine or feminine as one is made to be. They should work as companion and not competitor; making each the priority of the other, as well as the mirror. Couples must create quality time for each other and maintain openness in communication and in finances; must resist the temptation of keeping secrets from each other but attempt doing things together. Finally they must compliment and show affection to each other as well as grow from just being a couple into best friends. These qualities could help couples overcome barriers created by other inhibitions such as: race, religion, class and past ugly experiences. Make it work for you and you will enjoy belonging together. Welcome to the season of favor and good tidings.

Chapter 2

Good Marriage and Healthy family

“A fine wedding and the marriage license do not make the marriage; it is the union of two hearts that welds husband and wife together. – Unknown Author

 2.1   Good marriage breeds good family.

      Pope John Paul II once said, “As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live.” As many couples take vows of marriage, they desire to have good marriage, wonderful and responsible families where love, mutual respect, commitment and unspoken sense of security exist. Some enter into marriage relationship with great optimism and expectations, but sooner had the honeymoon period ended than the couples begin to feel sense of disappointment, disenchantment and incompatibility. What must have gone wrong?  Why sudden feelings of indifferences? Is it natural or could it be a failure on their part or an experience in the journey of togetherness. Some of the couples may have had issues from their family upbringing, ranging from the relationship between their parents, how issues were resolved, decision-making, and response to incidences as well as the challenges of mutual respect and communication. These issues could run couples into conflict and crisis, which, if not properly handled may end the union. So they should be prepared to make adjustments, choices and compromise on issues.

      Good marriages do not just happen. There are deliberately cultivated and nurtured over times. These take hard work and commitment on the part of couples. A good family starts with good parents. Couples should first decide what they want, how to get it done, who does what, how issues are resolved and how to handle finances etc. One great decision is to leave behind what their various parents and families were doing and evolve a new culture and way of life. Most importantly they need to inculcate new sets of values, better communication skills and give God a place in their union. They must be committed; willingly serve each other, respecting each other’s opinions, as well as accepting their differences. These could be achieved by observing faithful mentors and other good parents. They should willingly visit experienced Christian counselors, if need be.

       Before couples get married they should attend marriage counseling session, where experienced counselors would examine their backgrounds and goals to determine the probability of good marriage. This should happen early in the courtship. Recent statistics reveal that very few couples make this choice. Due to ignorance or negligence, some couples do not consider this option, nor do they court sincerely. Many married couples go into the union without thinking about the demands of marital relationship. Some go into marriage for the mere reason that their cultures consider they as having attained the age of marriage. Some others are persuaded by parents so as to have grandchildren timely. Again marriage is not only a symbol of coming of age, but also of becoming responsible.

       Some chose neither their spouse nor experience had the privilege of courtship. As they travel home from abroad, their parents, relations, or mentors had already hand-picked some ladies, thereby limiting their choices. Worst still these folks have little or no time to play with. The only option that prevails would be to quickly get married and return to America or Europe within the limited time allowed by employers.

      Whether they respect each other or are compatible are not initial factors. Sometimes most arranged marriages work, especially where the couples have been trained in marriage values, as well as trusting God to make it work. They may not know what is needed to nurture and nourish the union, but they believe in each other and are determined to share life together. For some societies, more so, both couples believe they are representing their families in the union; and therefore, determined to maintain the covenant that existed from the days of their great grandparents; keeping the family reputation and raising the children that will together uphold their culture and tradition. They believe in the sanctity of marriage and are willing to pay the price of togetherness. They not only have to make it only work; but are also gradually galvanized into building healthy marital relationships.

       How would you expect to build a strong family that possesses Christian-oriented values when the marriage is torn apart or exists in conflicts and crises? We are quick to blame it on today’s generation and their behaviors, when indeed they learnt from the parents. Children speak trash because their parents speak trash. The children are insulting and abusive because their parents raise voices at each other. They fight at school and public places because they watch their parents resolve issues by fighting. When a man gets married, it is to have a helper who would share life’s aspirations and family values with him; together they raise a family and inculcate good values into their children. Regrettably, what is obtainable these days is that some wives become competitors, not believing nor accepting collective growth and success, but rather striving for individual achievement and pride. This negates the purpose of marriage. How can good children be raised under that atmosphere except by God’s intervention?

       Most children have never seen their parents spend quality time together. They never see them experience time together except those that end in quarrel or fight or raining abuses on each other. Are you surprised that we are raising generations that have never experienced peace, love and patience? All they know is to war against each other. The saying for every successful man there is a woman and vice versa, therefore, applies in turmoil. Where are the supports we owe one another? What we see are couples that brand their spouses failures while they boast of their individual achievements. For you that calls your spouse stupid, you are married to a stupid person. Also those that brand their spouses failures, no matter how loud they blow their trumpets of successes are also failures. Marriage is a relationship for collective success and achievements. No amount of individual success can compensate for the loss of collective achievement.

      When couples say marriage vows, they are committed to each other. That commitment and covenant entails working willingly with each other, solving their problems together, making necessary changes, if necessary, to strengthen their marriage; making each other better individuals, and the couple a better whole. Catharine M. and Joseph A. Garcia- Prats writing on ‘Good families don’t just happen’ opined “you can’t build a marriage by fulfilling most of your needs outside the relationship. Time together allows the relationship to develop and mature.” The vow is for better and for worst. Sharing your feelings and frustrations with outsiders may not solve the problems, even though it could for a moment ease internal stress -the malady causing the death of most African men.

      Good communication with one’s spouse and the sharing of feelings help to strengthen relationship and build good marriage. Talking to each other keeps couples connected and enable them share their daily experiences. Unfortunately most couples build barriers against each other. They chat with other people on cell phones and by e-mail but have nothing to talk with their spouses. It could be because of already strained relationship or that some couples entered into marriage relationship with poor skills learnt from their families and peer groups. Unfortunately the language that was accepted by your parents and peer groups may not work with your spouse. If our marriage must work, we need to be determined to change that pattern of poor ideals and develop new ideals.

      Obviously, the way couples communicate with each other is the same way they communicate with their children. That could be observed in children when they respond to their parents, teachers and relate to their peers as well as other people. You cannot run down your spouse before your children or in the public and expect respect from them. When you oppose or openly criticize each other before your children, that leaves the children with the impression that you have no respect or regards for each other; there is no way they would have respect for both of you. Respect happens to be the core of good communication. Any good marriage must maintain high level of respect, as well as close communication to thrive.

       Writing on ‘The Art of Loving’, Erich Fromm states, “to love somebody is not just a strong feeling, it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise.” In effect, to love someone is a continuous decision and ongoing choices. This love needs to be reaffirmed each time; it is a learned behavior. Even though this attitude may not be popular in most cultures, it is a virtue that they ought to learned and practice just like they have learnt to accept legal marriages, even after traditional marriages. It is necessary to mention that reaffirmation of love is not meant to be initiated by one sex. Most couples that desire to hear ‘I love you’ do not initiate it; they wait for the other partner to say it all the time. That makes no sense. Some only reaffirm their love during anniversary celebrations. That is for showmanship. The ‘me-first’ philosophy does not give room for good relationship. The willingness to shift grounds, adapt and adopt changes enables couples to grow from one experience to another. They learn in each experience, a little more about each other and realize how accepting compromise and working together strengthens and enriches love and marriage relationship. It is therefore important to strive to maintain good marriage, especially as it breeds good family and healthy nation.

      Happy marriage is rooted in sacrificial love. Garcia-Prats also said “Love therefore is the ingredient of good relationship and brings forth happy home where children are raised in love and develop habits of walking in love of God.” This love fosters good life, harmonious home and enduring relationship. Happy families do not always connote marrying someone who is compatible with you. You could be different people ideologically but are prepared to subject to one another, learned to work out things, little by little, adapt to one another and also learn to value your differences.  I have often overheard people arrogantly say, ‘you can’t change the way I behave because that’s the way I was created; you may not like it, that’s your fault’. These folks believe everyone should accommodate their behaviors and see things from their own perspectives. Specifically I have heard a wife say to the husband, ‘if you don’t like what I do, quit and stop complaining, after all I did not force you to marry me”.  These outbursts do not give room for adjustment. It portrays a complete ignorance of the demands of marriage and good family life.

      The scripture admonishes couples to submit [or subject- meaning adoption] to each other. It further instructs wives to subject to their husband as unto the Lord; husband to love their wives as Christ loves the Church [Ephesians 5: 21]. Subjection becomes a command and religious obligation. How can a wife ever claim to be subject to God she does not see when she has turned her husband into a doormat; disrespecting him whom she had vowed herself to love and cherish for life. Again no husband can claim to love God whom he has not seen when he hates his wife – the love of his life. The scripture does not teach that marriage is cheap and easy. Indeed love demands a lot of sacrifice to work. It is beyond infatuation, courtship and honeymoon. It is a lifelong commitment and involves ongoing choices, adjustment, concession and adoption.

      In the November 2005 edition of Men’s Health Magazine, the University of Michigan Researchers submitted, “Women tend to automatically associate sex with submission”. Amy Kiefer, PhD opines, “The more women report adopting to submission in sexual roles, the less they could express their opinions and desires during sexual activities.” In biblical times, it was the submission to her head [the husband] and the Lord Jesus whom she worshipped that led Sarah to call Abraham, ‘my Lord.’ Our generation rejects submission but propagate sexy love. When submission exists in marriage, the children learn from what they see and put it into practice.  This good relationship breeds good families. However when people go into marriage with selfish mindsets, they hold to their individual ways. Although they are married and stay under the same roof, they are simply living lonely together. The mindset of selfish people is stupid; they are never happy because they live in conflicts. A house divided against it shall collapse. Some houses are built on sand without a solid foundation; and it becomes a matter of time before they collapse. Two people cannot move together except they agree. That is why many married people live like co-tenants. The scary thing is that their children may end up living like them. Little surprised that Apostle Paul wrote, ‘love does not insist on its own right or its own way. It is not self-seeking.’

      What is baffling is that many Christians claim to love the Lord; but they neither attempt to keep his commandment nor love their neighbors. They may not complain about their marriages, but are grieved with their spouses and grudge against the family. We sing God of love but learn nothing of the unselfish nature of God’s love and grace. It is this unselfish nature that took Jesus to the cross to die for those who hated and rejected him. Unselfish couples give in to one another and look for ways to live happily together. Even though our spouses are human and imperfect, God commands us to be subject to one another. The submission Apostle Paul called for is in reverence to Christ. When we come to Christ we learn to love and yield to each other in reverence to Christ. The word submission has been expunged from the bibles of many hurting couples even though it still alive and stirs in them.  Submission is not a sign of weakness as many perceive but a sign of maturity and mutual respect. It gives opportunity for discussion, expression of opinion, and learning from one another. Let us do away with self-pride that was once crucified on the cross and seek for things that hold marriages together; resulting in a good marriage and healthy family.

      Good families do not just grow out of vacuums; they are worked out. They evolve by subduing differences, overcoming challenges, having better understanding of the dance of togetherness, and make right choices towards it. You have to pay the price; let go the past; and humbly lay down self-pride while pursuing the goal. An African adage says, “What you will pay to stop an elephant from entering the farm is far less than the cost of what the elephant shall destroy when it enters the farm.”

2.2   A Healthy Family Stays Married

      A Healthy society springs up from a healthy family. A healthy family is where mother and father live and rear their children in love. A healthy family is where couples are happy and secured; they bring into the relationship their various strengths and weaknesses, determined to make them work for good. The foundation of a good family is a strong, secured marriage. The couple must have love and commitment for each other; treat each other with mutual respect, show acceptance and willingness to relish in each other’s shortcomings [weaknesses]. They must have God in the centre of their relationship, sharing strong belief in His saving grace and sufficiency in all they do; whether it is in rough times or good times, they raise their children and deal with other members of the family as well as the society in love and sound mind.

      However, two strong elephants have invaded the farm yard of good marriage; causing insurmountable damages that demand great societal costs to fix. These are divorce and fatherlessness. These have caused, not only the breakdown in original family structure as invented by God, the creator but also causing a threat to the future well-being of the family, as well as the well-being of the society and nation. The divorce rate has suddenly surged upward; juvenile delinquency and unwanted pregnancy have become common features of our society. The crime rate is on the increase, abuses in marriage have become common feature; our children suffer depression, earn poor grades at schools and drop out of schools. On the other hand, many families are struggling to live without father’s presence while the associated consequences beg for urgent attention. For these reason, we urge couples to stay lovingly married, to avert the problems arising from separation, divorce and fatherlessness. Do not forget that good families do not just happen; they grow out of hard work.

The Elements of healthy and love-laden Marriage:

God’s design and Institution

       The key to a good and secured family life rests on the foundation of God and His word. God designed and instituted marriage to reflect his relationship with the church and prepare mankind for immortal relationship in eternity. The reason God created human beings [male and female] in his image and likeness was for blessing, multiplication, fruitfulness and to have dominion [Genesis1:27-28]. It was not God’s desire to keep man alone. That is why He made a helpmate; a companion to complement and help man in his daily endeavors [Genesis 2:18]. For a marriage to be successful, it needs undivided commitment to God. God becomes an inseparable part of any marriage, with good families depending on Him for sustenance and guidance in living, as well as rearing their children [Deuteronomy 6:5-7]. Couples should study, meditate daily on the word of God, worship, praise, and offer prayers to Him in the name of Jesus. They should teach their children about their God and beliefs; and attend a bible believing Church with them. This is necessary because. “a family that prays together stays together.”

Two becoming One

       God instituted marriage on the bases of two becoming one [Genesis 2:24-25].  For this reason a man leaves his father and mother, cleaves to his wife and becomes a couple, a unit and one. Even though they are two physically; they are united to share life as one. This is an area where many couples have failed to fully understand working together in God’s wisdom and fulfilling His requirements.  To stand before God and crowd of witnesses and promise to cleave to each other; to love and abide in good and bad times;  and then turn around to play feeble is a folly on everybody. Building a loving, lasting and fulfilling relationship calls for strong commitment, as well as constant effort on the part of both spouses. It takes love, mutual respect, trust and compromise; open and good communication; sharing goals, values; and acceptance of each other as well as willing to forgive always. Becoming one unit entails standing against influence of families, peer groups, old friends, and past experiences. Both must be willing to be open [naked] to each other. Most especially, couples need time together to develop and nurture their relationship.

Unconditional Love

       To love your spouse is a daily decision and promise. It is not based on what the person does, weight, height or failings. Good behavior, however, lightens the burden. There is no marriage without a conflict; no relationship without disagreement. Some conflicts shall never go away because marriage is a union of two imperfect people. In his book, Unconditional Love, John Powell says, “weathering the storms of the love process is the only way to find the rainbow of life.”  Couples should be quick to resolve conflict. “The process of forgiving is different but it is essential in a loving relationship.” We should be able to ask and give forgiveness. Many spouses have no forgiveness in their hearts. They keep malice and live week after week, holding resentment against each other. Life is a journey that will cause you to grow and mature. Forgiveness will stretch and strengthen you. When bitterness and anger flare up, let go those feelings to the Lord and let God help you out. A parent who harbors resentment towards the other spouse will transfer same to the children. The Bible commands men to love their wives as Christ loves the Church; wives to honor and revere their husbands. However it takes God’s grace to love unconditionally. Only God loves; even when we are unlovable.

Mutual Submission

       Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ [Ephesians 5:21]. We are living in a society where submission is looked on with ‘gender prejudices’ and other misrepresentations.  Apostle Peter urges wives to be submissive to their husbands, so that if any of them does not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of the wives……… [1 Peter 3:14]. In Romancing your husband, Debra White Smith says, “Submission is influence, submission is beauty, submission is of great worth to God. It is also the key to your husband’s heart and the avenue through which romance will flourish.” It is also the key to heightened romance and excellent sex.” She adds, ‘When it comes to sex, submission is electric; when it comes to romance, submission is magic”. Submission is unconditional love in action.  A wife who experiences this kind of love for her husband is eager to meet his needs. The men, in response to wives striving to meet their needs, open their hearts and envelope their wives in love and submit to their needs. One of the most powerful acts one can accomplish in one’s marriage is submission. It is not weakness; it is an act of inward strength that will revolutionize a marriage. Submission offers husbands the security they need to completely release their hearts to their wives.

Multiply and Fruitfulness

       ‘Didn’t God make you [husband and wife] one body and Spirit with her? It was that you should have children who are truly God’s people……….’I hate divorce’ [Malachi 2:15ff]. When God created man and woman, and cleaved them together in marriage, He charged them to multiply and fill the earth [Genesis 1:27-28]. God’s design and creation was that children would be reared and raised by two parents [male and female]. Mother and father ere endowed with different responsibilities. While mothers care and nurture the children, fathers develop skills that help them face the world around them. Studies have shown that children raised by active involvement of two parents [male and female] are emotionally secured, balanced, and matured with full personality. These children grow in love, secured, healthy, and in fear of God. They become grow to become healthy families, good societies and great nations.

Selflessness

       The purpose of coming together in marriage is to love each other and offer oneself selflessly to the other. ‘True self love is different from selfishness. Selfishness ends in the self; true self-love is integrated with a desire to love and serve God, as well as others.’ When you become conscious of self and practice me-first behavior, then you are selfish. You think highly of yourself and care little or nothing about your spouse. A Christian behavior should flow in Jesus, others and you (JOY).

Collaboration and not control

       There are very few men who would want a drill sergeant for a wife.  Men as well as women dislike controlling partners. Men abhor living with domineering wives and women dread controlling mates. Unfortunately many marriages are nothing more than a battle ground for power. This is disillusioning. A woman who tries to control her husband can, in no way, respect and revere him. The same also is of a man who tries to control his spouse; he neither respects nor loves her.  Laura Doyle opines, “If you trust him and respect his ideas rather than trying to control, that frees and empowers him to be all he can be in all his relationship including marriage. Doyle further says, “Until you stop trying to run his life, you’ll never know what it’s truly like to be married to your husband…..” If he feels dis-respected, his natural instinct to provide, protect and adore his wife is derailed….” Debra smith says, ‘one of the signs that respect is dying or has never existed is when attempting to control the other person creeps in.’

2.3              How safe is Your Home

     How safe is your home? Many people have different views about what constitutes a safe place. Some think of safe place as a location, while others relate it to being sensitive with private thoughts where one is comfortable to open up with his/her inner mind. It could be what the person is struggling with, shared experiences, or the learned new insights others bring to the table. A place or group could be where you are secured and free to converse; enjoy healthy behaviors and not afraid to accept different viewpoints or constructive observations. A safe place is where one is physically secured; protected from intimidations, provocations, backbiting, terrors, and even death.

Factors that can help make a Place Secure

God’s presence

       A safe place is where God is present; His presence reveals His love and mercy, satisfaction, fulfillment and security. In His presence, you are loved unconditionally. You can fall severely and still have the opportunity and privilege to rise up and continue your walk; yet you are not seen as a failure. You have the warmth embrace of acceptance; feel loved and desired, protected and secured. The Garden of Eden was a safe place for Adam and Eve. There, God planted a garden on earth, put Adam and Eve to live and tend; to enjoy all its richness; the uncontaminated air and atmosphere, vegetation and healthy fruits growing from the soil. The tree of eternal life was in the garden and also was the tree that gave ability to differentiate good and bad things [Genesis 2:9]. They had supply of water from the rivers; where they obtained gold, onyx and sweet smelling resin. These rivers helped to water the ground and make things fruitful.

One God

       Adam and Eve did not only recognize the presence of God of heaven but worshipped and submitted to Him. They had such a close relationship that God visited the garden often to see them. They sensed His presence when He was around and heard His voice when He spoke. There was something in them that brought them and God together: the image and the likeness of God in them. Couples should believe in one God and associate with one Church. They should put their faith in God and build their union around Him. They should stop giving the enemy a place; stop listening to subtle opinions of enemies, less they take advantage of and devour them just as Satan did to Eve, who influenced Adam against God’s commandment [2 Corinthians 2:11].

Hard work and preservation

       The Lord God put man in the Garden of Eden to work and till its soil; dress it and preserve it [Genesis 2:15]. God instructed him to work hard to beautify it and keep it; to cultivate and harvest its yields. In His infinite wisdom, God provided Adam a helpmate suitable to him; a companion and completion to warm him up and share his burden, to help fulfill His purpose. Then Garden of Eden became God’s made home for Adam and Eve; secured and saved. God Almighty visited them there often to have fellowship and interaction.  Satan, a malignant reality and formidable foe, also visited them there. An enemy visits a safe place but should not be accommodated or tolerated. He is an adversary, always hostile to God and God’s people; comes to steal, destroy and kill. Satan works on information availed to him or obtained somewhere.

Discipline and Limit

       For a home to be safe and secured, especially where we have more than a person living therein, we must have some rules and regulations to guide human behaviors. These are also called boundaries and limits. In the garden, God was so generous and considerate that He issued only a command: “You can eat the fruits of all the trees in the garden but you shall not eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil; for if you eat it, you shall surely die” [Genesis 2:16-17]. God understood human nature, the curiosity in our inner beings towards unknown and restrictions. He kept in check, ‘a no-no rule’ to restrain our behaviors and actions. Where there shall be mutual respect for one another, there must be discipline and order; and willingness to observe and obey it. Nobody should be exempted, for it shall cut across all board; it was critical for preservation and good living. There was a grave consequence for disobedience; it was disharmony and spiritual death. For the same safety reason, one driving on our roads is required to have and carry a driving license or learner’s permit; follow the traffic directions and observe road signs. When ignored, we run into avoidable accidents, chaos, and some resulting into death.

Togetherness and Sense of Belonging

       To help a man tend and keep the garden and alleviate his loneliness, God said, it was not good for man to be alone. I will make him a helper who was just right and suitable for him [Genesis 2:18]. God then caused Adam into deep sleep and out of his rib made another human being; brought her to Adam who excitingly called her woman and later named her Eve. The name was for easy and better identification. Adam named everything including Eve and they all know who named them. Naming was also for reference and belonging. Whatever name Adam gave them, they bore [Genesis 2:19-20]. In our society, every person has a name and evidence of identity, either certificate of birth and Personal Identity or Driving License, or/ and Passport.

Oneness

       Couples must become one and united, because unity is strength. Collective progress is a way forward in a team or group. It galvanizes the group and gives them sense of belonging, as well as sharing value and common goal.. The scripture said for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they become one, a unit and a couple [Genesis 2:24].  Oneness takes away fears, doubts and misgivings. This is different from living lonely together. You must insist on doing things together; eating, bathing, sleeping, praying, studying the bible as well as outings, visiting, evangelism, and church-worshiping together.  I would recommend joint account for couples because it helps toward the understanding of family finances, discipline in spending, cementing, securing, and building trust and commitment in the relationship.

Transparency

       Both Adam and Eve were naked and were not ashamed [Genesis 2:25]. Couples should be transparent and open to each other; have no secrets, no hidden agenda and no fears sharing anything with each other. They should have open and uninterrupted channel of communications. One should be the priority and mirror of the other. They should share same values; maintain mutual submission; and understand and keep their boundaries and limits. Maria Guthrie writing on Best friends forever in www.Christianitytoday.com advised, “To increase familiarity and openness, couples should plan occasional unstructured outing such as dinners, games or movie nights.”

How safe and secured is your home or union?

      Is your home a safe place? Or is it a hostile environment, where God is denied primary place and the values we cherish undermined? Is it a place where one bosses the other and couples live in conflicts and competition? Are both couples living joyfully or like co-tenants and people living in fears and bondage? Do you sleep in one house but in different bedrooms; keep hidden relationship and bank accounts for selfish transactions? Do people outside know you better than your spouse? Do you have mutual respect and submission for each other?

      We must learn to adopt the power of living together as couples to share life, our struggles and faith selflessly. This is how to make our living saved and secured. “When you develop an atmosphere of acceptance, marriage becomes a carefree joy and solemn contemplation. Be creative in thinking and creating fun ways to communicate with your spouse.” Guthrie said, “We often try to show that as husband and wife we respect each other, yet we may have different views or communication approach”. It is important to be a team and not let our marriages get caught up in any unhealthy behavior of specific couples or the group.

      It will be good if we will stop comparing our spouses with other people or talking down on each other. Every person is created in a unique way to meet God’s purpose on earth. Do not forget that marriage is a union of two imperfect people who look unto God for His perfect will and purpose. Try not to hammer on your spouse weaknesses but rather appreciate each other’s strengths and find ways of helping your spouse improve or be of utmost value. Do not forget to show appreciation for good things and kind gestures done to you. It is better than focusing on past wrongdoings. By so doing you will help to secure and strengthen your union; make it a success. Make your home love-safe.

Chapter 3

Responsible Parenting

          Wilfred A Peterson once said of the practice of the art of parenthood, ‘an ounce of example is worth a ton of preachment.’ The old philosophy, “Do as I say, not as I do” does not hold water anymore. Our children do what they observe us do. In effect, our children mirror what we do by practicing them. Catherine Musco Garcia-Prats and Joseph Garcia-Prats in, ‘Good families don’t just happen’ opined, “Children are always watching us, the adults, and can easily spot hypocrites and discrepancies”. They further said, “If we want our children to be responsible, we must accept and fulfill our responsibilities to our spouse, children and communities”. Since our children constantly watch us and are interested in what we do, we must continuously strive to do good things so as to become better individuals. Our children emulate us; so we must set good examples for them.

      Good parents do not mean that we do not have personal weakness, but it poses the challenge to work and improve on them. When we make mistakes, we should own up to them. Through generic hormones, we observe similar attitude in our children, and should appreciate where that comes from; and knowing that we have been struggling to improve them could be refreshing to our own lives. So good parenting does not only entail teaching and educating our children, but also struggling with our lapses and improving on them so that our children could see them in good light. For example, we cannot be taking a nap and ask our children to tell visitors that we are not home. We cannot be latecomers at work and other activities and expect our children to be prompt at church and school. We cannot say mean words before our children and expect them to speak kindly and respectfully. We cannot smoke and ask our children not to smoke. If we do, they will not take us seriously.

      Good parent involves a lot of choices. Make a choice of a good spouse who is not only determined to share your life’s visions with you, but also shares your life’s aspirations; enjoying your relationship and raising a great family. If you choose a spouse whom you do not share mutual respect with, you will end up in constant conflict and unending emotional torture. You have to respect your spouse before you can submit or love him/her; accept who he/she is and appreciate the differences between you, if not overbearing. It is not in all cases that you are compatible; but you should be prepared to make concessions, compromises, shift grounds and let go. Many have been known to go into marriages with dawning issues from their backgrounds and yet have believed they are the best. Such attitudes yield no grounds for options and choices. Parents should love themselves; exhibit high sense of value and honesty; be respectful to others; show love, kindness, and forgiveness.

      Most couples are just incompatible and thorns jn flesh of each other.  They neither believe in nor practice collective achievement. They live in competition with one another and share life’s goals differently. Children are quick to notice the infighting that most times culminates to open and conflicting leadership tussles. When some couples fail in their relationship, they attempt to woe their children to their side by telling them negative things about their spouses or over pampering them with gifts. Responsible parents should keep their children out of their conflicts. Pestering children with complains about each other’s misdeeds only drive the children ‘crazy’ and make them feel like running away from the ‘hell’ called home.  This situation could create opportunities for their peers to feed them with wrong ideas.

      Good parenting involves loving “JOY” (Jesus, others and you). You cannot love others unless you love yourself and accept who you are. Again you cannot love yourself unless you love your Creator. The love of God begins with loving your spouse; and if you love your spouse, you will also love your children. If you respect your spouse, you will do the same for your children. When you love your family, you will be motivated to work hard and provide for them- good house, best school and other necessities of life. In turn the children shall be encouraged, motivated; doing well at school and becoming good citizens.

       Parents should not only be unanimous in their principles and consistent in response to their children’s actions and needs, they should also be constructive in their approach. Even though each couple parents differently, they should avoid giving conflicting instructions. There should be an authority structure in every marriage relationship. God provided for this structure in order to enhance effective administration and control in families. Except this order is respectfully adhered to, there will always be a problem of conflicting leadership. When children observe these lapses, they are always quick to exploit them. The couples would end up blaming their children and not understanding they created the loopholes. There should be good communication and mutual respect between parents. You would still be the authority figure you are if you tell your child, “let me confer with your mum or dad and get back with you”. It portrays mutual respect; collective leadership and ensuring you are on same page. The children will learn to respect and appreciate such feelings; thereby discouraging from playing their manipulative games.

      Being a good parent entails enforcing discipline in a gentle, firm, and consistent manner. Standards and rules are set out and each time there is a violation, there is an appropriate consequence for the action. It could mean losing privileges, going on ‘time- out’ or doing added house chores. Parent should not be reluctant to enforce discipline. Although most parents establish guidelines, rules and consequences, they usually do not enforce them. The children of such parents usually know that they are weak in enforcement and will always cash on it.

      Even though fathers and mothers parent differently, they should not be split in decision when it comes to discipline. Let it be known that behaviors that are belittling, mean, unkind and unloving is unacceptable. We must educate our children on how to respect themselves, others, authority and property. We should also speak to them politely, in appropriate tone; insisting that they do not raise their voices on each other or on other people. We must not only be conscious of the words we say, but also how we say them. We should also decease from making derogatory comments about people before our children. Our words and actions should speak volumes and mean a lot to our children.

      Good parent should train their children on simple hygiene and cleanliness; washing hands before meals, after using restrooms, after sneezing and other times they get their hands dirty. They should learn proper ways of showering, teeth washing, barbing, and nail cutting and general cleanliness. To protect them from childhood diseases, we must immunize them timely. Responsible parents should insist that their children wear protective headgear when riding a bike or skating. Parents must show example by wearing seat belts every time they drive; ensuring that their children do the same. It protects children from hazards. We need not learn the hard way or cry when the head is off. Responsible parents lock up their guns and other equipment to protect children from harm and untimely death. Yet often we hear that children carry their parents’ pistols to school and shoot others. You will be wondering how these can happen. They usually name it a mistake or mishap; but unfortunately, someone is gone.

        Responsible parents pursue the education and intellectual development of their children. Educating children to their fullest potential is a primary parental responsibility. Does it surprise us that most parents blame teachers and school authorities for the poor performance of their children, when indeed, the bulk of the responsibilities rest on parents? Learning is a natural evolving process that starts from home ever before a child begins to attend school. Before we point accusing fingers on teachers and others, how often do we read with the children, provide intellectual stimulation, or teach children simple things even before school age? Do we provide a good environment for their studies? Or support the efforts of the school and teachers by being involved and ensuring they do their homework, observing the problem areas and relating to the teachers.

      By being involved, we observe our children’s talents and abilities; encouraging them and being proud of their peculiar talents and ingenuity. We note their weaknesses, and jointly with the teachers offer help. These responsibilities are not met because parents prioritize the pursuit of money; doing two to three jobs and hardly making out time to check what their children are doing. They are only interested in buying them new things to cover their lapses and having not much time to devote to their development.

      Good parents are also responsible for the spiritual development of their children. The children should be brought up in the fear of the Lord. We should share our faith with our children. Apart from being involved in a bible-based church, we should maintain family altars at home, study the word, and pray together; “for a family that prays together stays together”. We should lead our children into attending religious activities and practicing God’s presence. Parents should learn to incorporate God in all aspects of their lives and not the usual ‘Sunday, Sunday medicines’ of church services. At home, children should be taught how to pray; giving them the opportunities to lead the family in prayers. By so doing, the children develop the confidence to pray more often, as well as pray for others. We should make choices in the interest of our children and family.

      Although many things contest for our time, a negative challenges we face today, is consumerism. This is living the media-generated artificial lifestyle. The American dream is defined in economics terms: money, career and power. Many parents, engaged in the pursuit of money, are hardly there for their children. They buy palatial mansions, but ‘live’ at the workplace. They chase their careers and miss their homes, pursue power, and cling onto it at all cost. What had been the primarily concern for going to work in the first instance gets lost mid-stream; work has, therefore, become an escape route for troubled homes. Children hardly see their parents; and obviously little or no time with them.

      Good parents need to spend time with their children. The children should watch their parents do things; wash, clean, make bed, prepare meals and set the meals tables etc.  Usually, children start being responsible from home. They learn to do laundry, fold them, and put in closets; make their beds, keep their rooms’ clean, and empty the trash bins. They should also iron their clothes, as well as set up their bags, ready for school. Good parents ensure their children learn four types of responsibilities: responsible for themselves, responsibility for others, responsibility to the society, and responsibility to God.

      Our children today appear different because their parents are different. We may criticize them for being irresponsible, rude, materialistic and unethical etc. The open secret is either they inherited the emotional and moral character of their parents, or watched us disrespect others or ourselves. We are quick to curse others; abuse and yell at other road users while our children are in the car; make silly remarks about their teachers before the children; and ridicule or make fun of others under the watchful eyes and attentive ears of the children.

      Most parents today were fortunate to have had parents that taught them the values of responsibility. We cannot as parents, let our outside engagements, be it work or fun take precedence over our home responsibilities. For no amount of success or achievement at work or outside the home can compensate for the failure of the home front. If we expect more from our children, we must be ready to put in more. Being a responsible parent takes time, patience, perseverance, and accommodation. It also takes faith, determination and discipline; the functions we cannot derelict.

 2) Responsible Parenting  11

In our world today, so many things or chaos are contesting for our time and energy. Some parents in trying to manage this scared commodity drift into workaholics – working two or three jobs to provide for their families and funny enough some live artificial television lifestyles. Others attempt to create more time in other to be with the families. The issue of reaching a balance is where the appropriate responsibilities lie. In an effort to solve this huge problem, many have adduced opinions and suggestions on how to parent in a proper manner. Advices are posted on various media from parents, friends, and experts and mediocre as well as clergy. Adult and parents read and listen to some of these publications and preaching’s from among them, some who have never been privileged to parent. Upon reading and listening to these opinions, some parents begin to feel inadequate or worried that they have failed in their responsibilities. These feelings of short comings arouse self condemnation, criticism, comparism and emotional sadness and stress. The truth remains that perfect parents don’t exist. Stop beating yourself up over things you failed to do, harboring sense of guilt but rather forgive yourself because of your past errors and shortcoming; trust that God will forgive you for humbly asking. Then move on with fresh insight and new start. Know guilt and fault finding will never solve problems of the past but taking responsibility will.

When a child behaves badly, the parents feel guilty of not raising the child well. Some could be as a result of dysfunctional family, associating with wrong peer group; access into unneeded information on internet as well as experiencing abuses, etc. At other times, it could emanate from differences in parental lifestyles and discipline approach and decisions, etc. These could be very over whelming, devastating and confusing. Disagreements between parents over parenting could cause minor flare ups or serious internal war which could include emotional disturbances or torture in the family, especially when these clashes are exposed or become noticeable to their children. When kids know that such rampant disagreements exist, they tent to exploit the situation and pinch camp with the lenient parent. The kids tend to hold the opinion that their parents do not respect themselves. Consequently, they do not deserve their respect.

Some parents deliberately woo or institute measures to buy or attempt to win over their child’s love with unsolicited or unneeded gifts, lowering standards by allowing the child do whatever she/he desires just to achieve their selfish goals. Laurence Steinberg, PhD writes, “What we often think of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving a child things in place of love…things like leniency, lowered expectations or material possessions.” The parent with sticker approach is disliked or worst still hated and distanced by the child; after all no child likes a drill sergeant for a dad. These behaviors are common with some female parents especially when they fall out with their spouses. It is a product of in-fighting mechanism and not in the interest of the child. It often leads to parental tensions, stresses and overwhelmed or worst still an emotional overload.

In another cold-war dimension, some lenient parents may agree with stricter parents on the best approach to discipline their child and the lenient parents turn around to back down in the middle of action.  By so doing they make the stricter parent look bad. Others tell (brainwash) the child stuffs she/he has no business knowing to attract or weep up sympathy. Have you heard before comments like, “do not mind your dad or mom, he/she is a hard head?” These emotional partners even manipulate their children by discussing with them how the other parent is high handed and does not allow concessions. Where these type of behaviors are witnessed, parenting is difficult and biased; children raised in this atmosphere grow up to disrespect parents, constituted authority and the church; seek love elsewhere, perhaps in wrong crowds and end up behind bars.

Even though husband and wife have become one by marriage, they have individual instinct and have distinctive lifestyle, beliefs, and communication as well as discipline styles; still different people. Each parent has a unique way of relating with their kids, some are hotter (stricter) while others are quieter (lenient). However parents should be on the same page when it comes to their love and care for their child; in consequences and disciplinary decisions. We should not forget that children don’t like to see their parents not getting along and these battles can have long term effect on them. Again, understand that each time you argue with your mate over parenting, the focus shifts away from the child. This act of disunity of purpose between parents could crate a feeling of instability and insecurity on the child.

Healthy parenting is one of the most challenging jobs facing parents; it’s also most benefiting. It involves a full time job schedule and responsibility. Unfortunately most parents do not approach parenting with the same vigor and concerns like regular contemporary job. Some of us living in this age and in abode different from that of our parents would need to apply new and modern parenting techniques different from that of our parent. For example: if you were raised in Africa in the fifties, words like: “You’re stupid,” “Get out here,” “Shut up,” “Don’t be silly or foolish” etc were no abuses and did not mean much as it is in today’s advanced society. It was a regular song of our parents and did not mean they didn’t love us. Most children especially the male, were raised to be strong and self dependent; most times on carrot and stick. No matter what parenting skills you acquire, the focus should always be on the betterment of our children. William C. shiel Jr writing on Introduction of Healthy Parenting quoted Steinberg saying, “Good parenting helps foster empathy, honesty, self-reliance, self control, kindness, cooperation and cheerful. It also promotes intellectual curiosity, motivation and encourages a desire to achieve. Good parenting also helps protect children from developing anxiety, depression, eating disorders, anti social behavior and alcohol and drug abuse.”

James Lehman says, “You have to run your family like a business. You’re the chief executive officer of your family business and CEO you have to learn how to set emotions aside and to parent as objectively as possible. Forget how guilty you feel, forget…….need to do what is best for your business.” Parents should learn how to back up each other in a moment, even if you don’t fully agree. When both are calmed down, you will be in a emotional state to discuss amicably how to handle such occurrence next time, if at all, it occurs. Natural differences between spouses can be treated as strengths instead of weakness. It could bring in opinions or views you never thought of or considered. In some families today where they are blessed with female parents that bake more bacon than their male counterparts, there is power tussle to show the bread power.

 Parents who have exhausted their options of peaceful agreement or settlement should seek the help of an experienced consultant or Therapist or clergy. If you consider your spouse behavior or action detrimental or abusive to your child in some physical or emotional way, then call for serious discussion with your spouse not in the presence of the child. You have to let your spouse know why you think differently, without flaring up or showing the money power; go ahead and ensure the safety of the child or children. It is not a battle on who wins or who is right but on how to resolve the issue at hand. If the differences could cause flaring up, parents should ‘take time out’ and reconvene to talk about the matter. We should learn to listen to one another patiently but focus on the matter and find common ground. Nothing stop or condemn your being empathetic with your child if need be but be careful that you do not ignore or undermine your spouse’s decision. Always maintain the unified stance and that tells the child that both of you are together.

A home can feel like a battle ground with constant tension and fighting. This occurs when couple or parents stop being focus and logical about resolving conflict but allow emotions to overshadow common sense and reasoning. Most time we abandon the issue and focus on persons as well as on spouse’s past lifestyles and faults resulting to conflicts. Conflict usually result into argument and stir up anger but it is a normal part of family life. It occurs when people hold different opinion on how to deal with an issue or solve a particular problem. It’s a component of family life, friendship, work place and even politics. Conflict has a good side; matters are handled and resolved amicably. Resolving conflicts don’t necessarily mean you will be right or wrong. It may mean agreeing to disagree. You may not get what you want but reach a common ground. The child will learn he/she may not always get his/her way.

THE TEN PRINCIPLES OF GOOD PARENTING: Parenting is a very demanding task. Many approaches to parenting are opened to parents but scientists after in-depth study agrees on a basic set of principles that should guide parent interactions with their children and teens. William C. Shiel Jr reviewed and published on Medicine Net.com, an expert, Lawrence Steinberg, PhD view on the above topic. I shall follow his leadings and add comments, where need be:

1. What you do matter: By examples your attitudes and behaviors teach (create) values and styles of living to your children. Think about how your treat and respond to your child and the effect it has on him/her. How you treat and react to others, your children listen and watch; of course learn and emulate from you. Effective discipline demands proper example and a good father leads by character and example.  Steinberg explains, “What you do makes a difference…Don’t just react on the spur of the moment. Ask yourself, what do I want to accomplish and is this likely to produce result?” For example: Ask yourself, do you yell at and curse other road users while your children are behind in the car? Do exchange harsh words with your spouse in front of your children? Another example: if a mother undermines the authority of her husband, she should not be surprised when her children show no respect for her authority. Also, if you’re a habitual complainant especially when you don’t have your way, you wouldn’t be surprised when your children whine and grumble when they don’t get theirs.
2. You cannot be too loving: Psychologists opine you cannot spoil your child with too much love. It is rather a consequence of giving a child things in place of love. For example: Some parents deny children their presence, and home-made food just to do two or three jobs and in its place buy them junk food and material things children might not need, just to woo their love and lower standard of expectation.
3. Be involved in your child’s life: “Being an involved parent takes time and hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities.” It means sacrificing your desires and needs; running your own affairs around your child’s program. For example: your child’s school games take preference over a make at saloon or watch your best TV programs even calling off a second job, etc.
4. Adapting your parenting to fit your child: This has to do with the child development, age and growth; how it affects his behavior. This appears a reversal to the rules that obtained by our parents when we were growing up. You dare not say no or ask why; even differ on your parent’s opinion. Steinberg explained, “The same drive for independence that is making your 3-year-old say ‘no’ all the time is what’s motivating him to be toilet trained.” Parents should be educated on child’s growth process and the consequential behaviors – inquisitiveness and rebellion.
5. Establish and set rules: Setting rules begins with parents. You cannot tell your child not to smoke when you are a chain smoker. You cannot ask your child not to stay out late when you are a night crawler. Children watch parents’ behavior more than they listen to their instructions. Establishing control starts when they are still young and not when they have grown or become teens. The rules your child has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to himself. Most times parents think it could be ridiculous but critical to answer three questions about your child: Where is your child at? Who is he with? And what is he doing? In this society and era, where both parents are working, what do the children do – watch TV program all day or visit computers “no go areas” or some children leave home without telling their parents. It sounds funny but absurd that a child could tell the lenient parent who is at work without informing the stricker parent at home. Does that picture say anything? Steinberg notes, “But you can’t micromanage your child. Once they’re in middle school, you need to let the child do their home work, make their own choices and not intervene.”  Have an eye on your children and make them responsible; a mistake can land them in a wrong crowd.
6. Foster your child’s independence: It is a normal growth process for young people to push for autonomy. Setting limits helps children learn and develop self-control; just as encouraging independence helps in developing self-direction. Parents should learn to handle this stage of children development carefully and should not mistaken or equate their child’s independence with rebelliousness or disobedience. Effective parenting helps them learn these important abilities.
7.  Be consistent: By being consistent, it means to hold to the same principles or practice or being in harmony; no lowering of standards or free flopping. Avoid one-shot discipline, where you think by thoroughly disciplining a child once; he/she will never misbehave again. In Discipline with Love, Robert S. McGee writes, many parents know very little about planned discipline. Consequently, they either fail to discipline at all or do so with great severity. Parents may have learned discipline this way from their parents. Such inconsistency in disciplinary pattern often leads to punishment. “Consistency is the key to your authority with your child and it gives him a sense of stability and safety.” It is also the most important disciplinary tool. “If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child’s misbehavior is your fault, not his.” Ensure you make known your non-negotiables and base your authority on wisdom and not on power, less your child will challenge it.
8. Avoid harsh discipline: Sequel to the above, harsh discipline is destructive. Discipline is a teaching vehicle. It prepares a child for adult life by showing him or her that undesirable behavior leads to pain and destruction, Robert McGee says. Scripture instruct parents to discipline their children with the ‘rod’ during their formative years. Parents are not called to punish their children but to discipline them as God does to us. Steinberg advised parents never to hit a child, under any circumstances. He alleged, “Children who are spanked, hit or slapped are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression or fight to resolve disputes with other children.” He explained, “There are many other ways to discipline a child…including ‘time out’… which work better and do not involve aggression.” However, depending on the circumstances, parents may device other methods that work for them if continuous or repeated ‘time out’ fails. Such could include, withdrawal of privileges, corporal discipline or Spanking, etc. Spanking could be applied for willful disobedience or defiance; for the purpose of eliminating folly, rebellion and disrespect for parents and constituted authorities. McGee writes Spanking should be used for obvious rebellion against authority. Proverbs 13:24 says to use a rod, a thin, flexible stick or switch which causes slight pain but doesn’t injure the child. Be careful not to use physical discipline for any and every given situation. As Children age, spanking should be used more sparingly, until it is no longer used at all. Godly discipline in a family will bring happiness and peace to the home (Proverbs 29:17); must be administered out of  love just as our heavenly Father does to His children when they err (Heb. 12:6-7; Rev. 3:19).
9. Explain your rules and decisions: When parents set rules, they also have expectations. These should be explained to children and ensure they understand why you have made such rules and decision. For example: If parents instruct their children not to go anywhere without informing them; they should explain to their children the importance of their parents knowing where they are at anytime. In case of any incident or if any mishap happens, parent should have an idea of where to find their children.
10. Treat your child with respect: We earn respect. If you give respect to your child and other people, your child is more likely to return respect to you and other people. Steinberg advised, “You should give your child the same courtesies you would give to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he speaks to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Children treat others the way their parents treat them. Your relationship with your child is the foundation for her relationship with others.” Avoid outbursts of anger, one-shot discipline, verbal and physical punishment. These create negative self image in the child.

Chapter 4

Exemplary Motherhood

4.1     The Virtues of Godly Motherhood

      As the continent of North America celebrates motherhood every year, I make bold with great sense of humility and honor to congratulate my mother and all mothers on the occasion of Mother’s Day celebration. I join with Abraham Lincoln and pray fervently, “God bless my mother…….all I am I owe to her”.  Apostle Paul’s writing to the Saints of Ephesians said, “Honor [esteem and value as precious] your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise: That all may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth [Ephesians 6:2-3; Exodus 20:12]. We honor our parents while they are alive and after they have passed.

      On the Mother’s Day, we reflect on the joy of having a mother [or mothers]. A mother could be our biological mother who gave birth to us, or a female in our life who has helped to raise us to outstanding citizenship. They share their experiences and knowledge with us; mentoring us to healthy living, as well as the realities of life. Some of our mothers are still living, whereas others who have passed to the great beyond still live in our hearts. We salute and appreciate them all.

      As Moses admonished the Israelites, respect your father and mother [Leviticus 19:3]. Whoever hit or curses his mother [and father] shall be put to death [Exodus 21:15, 17; Leviticus 20:9; Proverbs 20:20]. Despise not your mother when she’s old [Proverbs 23:22]. Why were such hard laws concerning mothers [and fathers] made? I may not have all the answers. My mother often said, “If God did not want me to be your mother He won’t have put you in my womb or you would have died before I gave birth to you.” This explains the special place mothers occupy in their children’s life. Again these laws were made for those who strike, beat, rob, grieve, abuse and even murder their mother [and father]; for the manslayers [1 Timothy 1:9-10].  The hand of the law usually catches up with them; putting them behind bars where they remember the unheeded advices of their mothers, mentors and teachers. They failed to listen and act when the light shined. Today they are in a dark world leaving their moms in agony and tears. However a woman’s tender care never ceases towards the child she bears.

      A godly mother advises her child in righteous living and the fear of God. Her teachings improve the child’s character; keep away from bad people and from violence [Proverbs 1: 8, 15, 19]. Godly mothers untiringly correct their children and do not hesitate to discipline them [Proverbs 13:1; 23:13]. She strives to provide the genuine needs of her child and does not give the child everything he/she cries for. Her child emulates her behavior more than her instructions. She behaves politely and respectfully even before her child. She is not disrespectful towards others; even when her patience is tested. She commends her child for good behavior and rebukes for acting rudely; keeps her promises and maintains rich family values.

      A godly mother is a virtuous woman. Prophetic Awareness and Healing Ministries teaches that a virtuous woman is one who is obedient, radiant in her works, majestic in her speeches; that uses the word of God to address her people and circumstances. She neither wastes time declaring her grounds when it comes to area of her faith nor compromises her body, soul or time. A virtuous woman is woman of faith that triumphs after a very long walk with God through the shadow of death. She holds unto God when it seems the word of prophesy concerning her life shall not come to pass. She musters courage, even when it seem meaningless to those around her. She thinks of people around her: her husband, children, family and friends. She shows mercy and compassion, as well as loving kindness. Through her works, the world sees and come to know Christ very personally.

      A godly mother is a praying woman who finds time in her busy schedules, seeking the face of God and learning at the master’s feet. A story goes like this: A Christian mother had a son, who after High School traveled to a far city and was not communicating with his mother. He got married to a strange woman; blessed with nine children, but did not visit home. His mother constantly prayed for her son to embrace the Lord Jesus Christ. This, however, appeared to be an illusion. The woman died and somehow the message reached her son. Two days to her burial, the son returned with his  wife and nine children. His returned ignited joy and celebration. During the funeral service and sermon, a clergyman, standing up to pray, asked if anyone  wanted to be remembered on the funeral day of this great woman of God as having given his/her life to Jesus. Following a quiet moment, late woman’s only son stepped forward to receive Christ. There was tearful joy as God had answered a mother’s prayers in his own time and way. As Billy Graham’s wife, Ruth, says, “If God had said yes to all my prayer requests I’d have married the wrong man- several times.” Let’s devote ourselves to prayers and learn to be satisfied by his judgment; being watchful and thankful in his answers. We should teach our children the Holy Scriptures to make them wise and how to depend on God’s decision [Colossians 4:2; 2 Timothy .3:15].

      A godly mother is a hard worker, strong and industrious. She is concerned with meeting her family needs; brings home food and gets up early to prepare food for the family. She is generous to the poor, and provides comfort for her husband and children. She speaks wisdom and her tongue is seasoned with kindness [Proverbs 31:14-27]. Susannah Wesley was a busy mother with 19 children, yet she set aside time (an hour day) to meet with God and pray for her children. Our Daily Bread of May14, 2006 opined, “Being a mother is hard work. Indeed it is. The labor to bring a child into the world is only the beginning”. A godly mom involves her children in Christian activities; teaching them godly love and values.

      A godly mother is a respectful wife. She respects her husband and honors him. She does him good and not bad. For her industry, her husband is well known and highly respected among leading citizen. She has high regards for her husband and holds him as an icon in the presence of her children. Little wonder her children appreciate her, and her husband praises her [Proverbs 31:11-12, 23, 28]. She does not only respect her husband but also extends her good deeds her in-laws and people in the city know she is a woman of strength. She is capable, loyal and trustworthy [Ruth 3:10-11].

      Mothers are not perfect. Sometimes, even when they are fair; favoritism and deception can skew their judgment [Genesis 27:13]. As St Augustine wrote, ‘God can hit right even with a crooked stick’. God can still bless such mothers and use their flaws in decision-making for gainful good. Their passions are understood by God. Thank God for using them to fulfill perfect purposes in our lives.

      People in different countries of the world celebrate Mother’s Day on various days of the year because of different origins and history. The British and some of her former colonies in Africa like Nigeria celebrate Mothering Sunday on the fourth Sunday of lent. There is no better time to revive the Mother’s Day Proclamation of 1870 and call for peace and disarmament than now. Join me to appreciate our mothers. They are awesome and wonderful. God bless our mothers, give them good health and long life that they may live to see their children’s children and be cherished and appreciated for their untiring love to us. Amen.

4.2    An Excellent Woman

      The scripture teaches us that God made a woman out of a man. He then brought her to the man. When the man saw her he excitingly acknowledged, “This is the flesh of my flesh and the bone of my bone.” By an excellent woman, I mean outstanding, valor and wonderful. An excellent woman could also mean an outstanding creation of God out of man. She is outstanding in behavior and attitude. Whosoever finds her, finds a good thing and will enjoy favor from her creator [Proverbs 18:22]. She is a great ambassador to her family and shall bring them neither shame nor disgrace; but will rather bring them honor and joyfulness. She is a woman of substance who brings honor and praise to her creator and her husband. She is a cherished jewelry that represents not only heaven but community of faith on earth. When she meets her soul mate, she continuously remains a joyful ornament and marvelous companion to her husband. She has so much space in her that is dedicated to God that God’s spirit dwells in her and manifests immensely, bringing uncommon favor unto her.

      An excellent woman is a wise woman who builds her home; and does not pull it down [Proverbs 14:1]. She has her foundation built in her Lord and Savior. Her wonderful disposition, dedication, and commitment to her faith in Jesus cause her Spirit-man to reach out to the Spirit of God and obtain result. She is a wonderful worshipper, who magnifies the Lord in praise; whose combined melody reaches high heaven to provoke open heavens. She is a helpmate, amazing companion, and great resource to her husband and family.  An excellent woman accepts marriage challenges and draws her faith and strength from the foundation built by Christ Jesus. She understands the mechanism of a master builder, and with these skills, builds her home.

      She accepts the scripture as true and submits to the authority of God in marriage: For marriage to be successful couples must cleave together and become a unit and one. A husband is the head of the home and a wife, the neck without which the head cannot turn. This is a command and not a concession; does not depend on who makes higher income or holds a prestigious job. She understands that a Christian woman conquers her battles on her kneels by submission and humility to God the owner of the institution of marriage and the owner of her husband. God will fight her battles and turn her husband around but she cannot. She submits to her husband in all things; not in pretense, in competition, or in independence [Colossians 3:18; Ephesians 5:22].

      An excellent woman understands that builders neither pull down nor destroy. She is committed to keep the relationship: harness, repair and renovates. On daily basis, lifts up her man to God and finds ways to respect him, appreciate him, and cherish his efforts. She understands that it takes patience, perseverance, and faith in God to build a solid home. She wears forgiveness as an inner dress; a tooth brush, which, on daily basis, purges the union clean. Since marriage is a relationship of two imperfect people, there is always the tendency of minor squabbles that can be resolved promptly without freezing up; yielding each other into the river of forgiveness and bathing it with the blood of the Lamb. She makes her spouse a priority and takes not his love for granted. She ensures that daily issues are resolved amicably before they go to bed. She has no room to harbor bitterness, grudges, and envy; but hates evil, loves goodness and upholds mercy and justice.

      An excellent woman is a spirit-filled woman with a high sense of morality and good judgment. She is cleaved together to the husband and makes no room for any other person. She is a clean woman with admirable and humble disposition. “For the lips of an immoral woman drips as honeycomb and her mouth is smoother than oil. But in the end she is as bitter as wormwood…..her feet go down to death; her steps lay hold of hell….” [Proverbs 5:3-5; 6:26]. Instead, in the case of an excellent woman, “The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil; all the days of her life. Strength and honor are her clothing. She shall rejoice in time to come [Proverbs 31:11-12, 25].

      Who can find her? An excellent woman is a woman of valor. She is diligent and hardworking. She willingly works with her hands to provide food and care for her household. From time immemorial, woman of valor had combined trade and house-care. It did not matter where they were; they managed both trade and home; and while at work they monitor what obtains at home.

      In this era, where the price of keeping a home is increasingly demanding, some women of valor ‘bake more bacon’ than their spouses. They are, however, extremely supportive to their husbands and families. In contrast, other women who dance to the galaxies allow this source of blessing to become a measure of competition and comparison between them and their spouses. If such situations are not arrested timely, the ‘boom’ may soon result into ‘doom’. The women of valor cleave to their husband and become a unit, a couple, and one; allowing this source of additional income becomes a blessing to family. She clothes her household with scarlet; extending her benevolence to the needy and poor. Her husband is known far off in the gates, even when he sits among the elders of the land because she makes for him, unique attires that bring honor to her head.

      An excellent woman of valor has a merry heart that promotes cheerful countenance. She opens her mouth with wisdom and her tongue is the law of kindness [Proverbs 15:13]. She watches over the ways of her household to ensure healthy behavior and mutual respect for self, elders and seniors, and authorities. She guards her tongue and do not allow her disposition to cloud her judgment; curse, abuse or disrespect her husband. She understands and respects the authority in marriage institution and honor God in thankfulness for her gifts. The totality of the love and respect that exist with the parents flows down to the children. Little wonder her children rise up and call her blessed and her husband sing her praises not only in the charm and beauty of the body but most especially, the beauty of character and attitude. Even though her husband had heard and seen many beautiful daughters [women] who have exhibited great behaviors and character of honor; his wife is extraordinary and uncommon; and has excelled them all. The source of her strength of character is found in her fear of the Lord.  Her works and goodness shall praise her not only at the gates, but begins at home. Indeed, an excellent woman of substance deserves praise. A prudent woman is from the Lord and a crown of her husband [Proverbs 12:4; 19:14b].

Chapter 5

Celebrating great mothers

 5.1     Elizabeth-The Godly Mother

“The title of mother is the biggest honor I have ever received.” Mother Teresa

      As we celebrate Mother’s Day every year, I shall attempt to look into the life of one great mother in the scripture: Elizabeth – the mother of John the Baptist. She was a daughter of Aaron and married to a priest from the course of Abia named Zachariah. The scripture [Luke 1:5ff] says, she and her husband were both righteous before God; walking in obedience to all the commandments and ordinances of God. They were also blameless; serving God faithfully and vigorously through their youthful days, and even in their well advanced ages. But Elizabeth was barren because she could not bear a child. Let me reiterate the key words in the passage that described the great and uncommon qualities this wonderful mother possessed. She was righteous, obedient and blameless. Does it surprise us that God could withhold the desires of one who possessed these qualities? Why should God wait until she was stricken in age to put her through the agony and pains of child bearing? These and other questions kept bothering my heart. Why should one who had served God in obedience, preserving in faith suffer such setback? No answer would make sense except saying: for God’s glory and honor.

Let us consider some of the qualities that made Mother Elizabeth:

Righteousness: [Luke 1:6].  She was right with God both in heart and action. She was just and devout. Translated from Greek word dikaios [Hebrews –yasher] means straight. It does not mean just mere conformity to the commandment but person who is truly passionate towards God from her heart, based on sincere and honest faith. She believed God and His word even when it did not make natural sense. She was not a perfect person but knew how to acknowledge her short comings in repentance. She believed in God and lived in purity of heart.

Obedience to the commandments and ordinances of God. [Luke 1: 6] She is described to have exhibited great love for God. Only those who believe and show obedience to God portray the love of God. Little wonder Jesus says, ‘If you love Me keep my commandment’ [1 John 2: 3].

Blameless: Blamelessness portrays purity of heart. She was pure inside out and preserved in faith. One who walks blameless with God, make God honor His covenant and satisfy the person [Genesis 17:12].

Trusted God: Even though she had some unmet desire, she had an excellent heart towards God. She relied on the integrity and ability of God to fulfill His promise. She firmly believed in the honesty and reliability of God and was fully surrendered to Him.

Honored God in her marriage: She came from a priestly family; and joyfully accepted to marry one of the greatest servants of God of her time. She was a helpmate; became submissive to the authority in marriage. She had great respect and honor to her husband, and supported his calling and ministry. Even her husband’s family loved her, and rejoiced with her when she had her unique baby [Luke 1:56-61].

Praying woman of faith: Even when she had no child of her womb, she had children by virtues of our ministry; submitting to God and her husband. She maintained a prayer ministry and upheld her husband in prayers. Elizabeth must have loved and prayed for numerous children. She never lost hope on God and kept prayed expectantly. Even now, you do not just pick any woman to become a wife to a priest of God. She was a woman that could be trusted because she feared God.

Pursued godliness: Godliness is the sacred impression and work of God in a human being; from being carnal he is made spiritual. When godliness is wrought in a person, he does not only receive a new soul, but he/she has ‘another spirit’ [Number 14:24]. Greek word eusebeia expresses the idea of inner piety and spiritual maturity. She maintained undivided fellowship with God through confession.

Bore a unique child: [Luke 1:15-17, 44, 76-80]. She bore a delayed son and named him, John meaning Jehovah shows favor. The messenger of God delivered his name and annunciated his ministry. Even in the womb and as a baby, he leaped in salutation to Jesus, his Lord and master. He was a prophet of God and was filled with the Holy Spirit; came to forerun Jesus by preparing people’s heart to remit their sins. In most delayed children; God padded more wisdom and anointed them and used them readily. Yours could be the next; keep faith.

      Notwithstanding the advancement in medical care, in this age and time, there are still childless couples. Some are still expectantly praying for one. Some are advanced in age and may have lost hope. Others have adopted children and some have secretly hired ‘Hagar’ to help them out! Do you think Elizabeth was not ridiculed and mocked for being barren or trusting God without evidence or an heir? Could others who witnessed her setback doubted God’s sufficiency to provide and fulfill dreams? They may have sought medical advices but trusted in the word of God. Being barren was a grave disappointment in ancient times as well as in this age. This state of barrenness could harass couples who have not preserved in faith nor trusted God for who He is. But one day, God remembered her; and the throne of grace sent an answer to her many years of prayers. In the midst of her frustration, an angel of God brought a message of hope, “Your prayers are answered; your wife Elizabeth shall bare a son and you shall name him, John.”  She wondered, ‘could this be a joke or a surprise’.

      On this special occasion, I dedicate this piece for wives and mothers who await God’s manifestation in the area of child birth. Some are stricken in age and may have lost hope. Others are still in their youthful ages and almost losing their breath. I pray that this season, God shall remember them. He shall take away their reproach and wipe away their tears. There shall be a reassurance that God is faithful and worthy to be trusted in their lives. God is about to compensate them for all their failures, losses, delays, defeats, and tears. All their past disappointment, pains and even pleasures are only a tiny fraction of God’s ordained great destiny on this planet.

      You may have been down to nothing because of your setbacks, but be joyful for God is up to something: new, greater and more rewarding. He has a better alternative. Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow you down a little bit but the moment you drive past that spot or season, you drive smooth again. Also know that God’s delay is neither denial nor refusal. God is never late but always on time. When God remembers you, those who mock at you shall laugh and rejoice with you. God will turn around everything in your favor. For with God nothing is impossible. Begin to rejoice and praise God for the joy of being a mother and for the great things He’s doing. Your dumb founding miracle will surprise you, friends, and even enemies. They shall celebrate you at last. This is your season of refreshment and compensation.

5.2   Deborah – A Woman of Substance

      Mother’s day is celebrated yearly all over the world. The continent of North America celebrates it in May every year. In the United States, it is the second most celebrated season next to Thanksgiving. In this year’s celebration, some people will be facing economic hardship: loss of jobs and houses; displacements of families, natural calamities and various other challenges. I shall, however, focus on a woman of substance: Deborah, – prophetess, wife, mother, and judge in Israel.

      In biblical times, in a male dominated world, a woman, a wife, a mother heard from God and spoke to the people. She was a judge, who held her court in Ephraim in a place called “Deborah’s Palm Tree.” She presided over the affairs of the Israelites who came to her for intervention and decision on their disputes. She was also the wife of Lapidoth. God brought her to limelight at a time in history when the children of Israel had fallen into idolatry and iniquities. God had allowed Jabin, King of Canaan, who reigned in Hazor, to overcome and rule the Israelites for 40 years. The children of Israel cried to God, and God gave Deborah a prophetic message of their freedom.

      Deborah invited a warrior, Barak and passed a prophetic message from God to him to mobilize 10,000 men from the tribes of Naphtah and Zebulum, fight the army of King Jabin who resided in Hazor in Cannan. Barak agreed to go to war only if Deborah will go with him. Deborah accompanied Barak and the army to war but warned that the glory and honor of conquering Sisera [king Jabin’s army general] will go to a woman instead of Him. Deborah’s triumph, alongside with Barak, brought about a unique episode that makes up an extended opening account in the book of Judges. What are the qualities that distinguished this great woman of many parts?

A prophetess: She was a go-between God and the people of Israel: a vessel of honor, which God willing used and distinguished among men. She maintained her forthrightness and integrity such that she became God’s mouthpiece. Her life was a sign post for God because she was able to endear and bring the derailed people of Israel back to their God. The children of Israel had turned to idolatry after the death of Ehud and these affected their relationship with God. However, God found favor in Deborah and used her mightily in reconciling Israelites back to Him. She had prophesized to Barak that God wanted him to lead Israel to war against their enemies and that He will give them victory. In this instance, God will take glory of His battle as God had preplanned to sell Sisera [the commander of Jubin’s army] into the hand of a woman [Judges 4:6-9, 21]. As Moses said to God, so did Barak to Deborah, “if you do not go with me, I will not go.” She willingly accepted and went with Barak and Israel army to war. She was a great inspiration and encouragement to Barak and the army of Israel. They defeated the army of Cannan. In fulfillment of Debora’s prophesy, Sisera escaped the slaughter by the Israelites and was killed by a woman, Jael, who drove a peg into his head while he was asleep.  This great woman of valor served the office of a judge and prophetess in equity and fear of God.

A Wife and Mother: Deborah was a wife of Lapidoth and mother in Israel [Judges 4:4, 7b]. She combined her demanding career and calling with her responsibility of caring for her household. She was a woman of substance who, as a judge, understood and committed to upholding the laws of God, the lands and the marriage institution. She was a respected wife and kind mother, not only to her household, but also to the Israel nation. She was a helper who stood as a sentinel behind Barak; achieving success and victory. She hugged the weak; cheered the strong; directed and strengthened them in achieving God’s purposes in their lives.

A Judge: As a judge she understood the principles of the laws of God and the laws of the land; applying them equitably to enhance social justice and peace. In a male dominated society, she distinguished herself by being open-minded and listening attentively to the cases brought before her court. She had the power of inner mind and presided over the issues of the people in righteousness, integrity and equity. Her excellent and respectful dispositions, as well as her fairness encouraged people to bring their concerns to her court. She had a love for God, and heart for the people; she related with them in the best way to accomplish God’s purpose for His children in the land.

      Deborah answered God’s calling as prophetess and appointment as a judge at a very difficult time in the life of the Israel. She did not allow her gender differences to deter her from accomplishing God’s purpose. She trusted that God would always fulfill whatever He said through her to the people. In her private and public judgment, she dedicated herself to God and won great battles.

      Most times Christians face hindrances in our service to the Lord. We get criticized and feel inadequate; we face the temptation of dancing with the crowd. Sometimes we forget that the battle we fight is the Lord’s. We are just the vessels and did not call ourselves. We should avail and surrender ourselves to the Lord and He will empower us and use us beyond our abilities. In this age and time, beyond our expectations and dreams of imagination, women are heads of nations; heads of international organizations and leadership position in the corporate world. These women have been called to accomplish great tasks. Some of these women are wonderful companions and great wives to their spouses as well as adorable mothers to their biological children, and children of the world.

      As a woman, God may have equally  called you for a different task at this difficult time, not only to be a helpmate to your husband, but also a mother and encourager to other women who are passing through difficult moments and are in need of directions. God may have called you to be a mother to your children and children of the world; some whose biological mother had little or no time with them because may have made wrong choices that keep them away from their children. At the same time, He may call you to hold your profession and also serve the household of faith with your talents, time and treasure. The multiple tasks show God is at work in the world through His people. Do not, therefore, give into negative sentiments, human inabilities, and insufficiencies or feel too important to humbly perform the task you have been chosen to do. Awake Deborah and her likes, avail yourself to Him who has called you. He will accomplish His purpose through and beyond your imaginations.

5.3   The Pride of a Mother

      The gospel of Saint John contains, in its second chapter, an interesting event that occurred in Cana of Galilee. It was a marriage ceremony; some edition called it wedding to suit their culture. I do not want to think that the celebrant was ill prepared for the ceremony. Whatever happened, we were told was, while the feast was in progress the celebrant ran out of wine. It could mean there was enough to eat and everybody was well fed.  It could also be that the ceremony was held during summer that the atmosphere was filled with dryness and the people drank more fluid; be it water or wine. It could also be opined that in that culture, the invitees were expected to accept the invitations at least a week to the events, so as to aid in the planning and reservations. Like most of us do, we hardly respond to RSVP and more people may have turned out than originally planned for. In African tradition, however, we often make provision for “uninvited guests.”

      That takes us to the issues of invitations. It is always more honorable and expedient to be invited to an event. Those who attend uninvited stay in for those who were invited but unable to attend. Invitation shows respect and honor to the invitees and a feeling of being owned, loved and wanted; someone whose presence would be highly honored and appreciated. Also invitation gives the celebrant the honor and rare privileged to bring people together and call forth those he/she needs for the event/occasion. In the event recorded in the gospel of Saint John, Mary, the mother of Jesus, the Lord Jesus Christ and His disciples, were all honorably invited to the occasion and were in attendance. The passage was silence about Joseph [Mary’s husband]. It could be He was either unavoidably absent or busy helping out at the background. Sometimes, coverage inadvertently omits an important personality or particular event; such could unfortunately be the case here.

      Mary, the mother of Jesus said to Him: Son, “They have no wine.” In other words, they ran out of wine. Jesus did not ask his mother: do I brew or sell wine? Rather, He humbly answered His mother: what has your concern to do with me?  Then, He added, ‘my hour has not yet come’. The mother had no response but turns around to the servant of the celebrant and said, ‘Whatever He says to you, do it’. Mary knew the child she bore. She knew Jesus was a unique child and possessed uncommon qualities. While fixing wood in Joseph’s carpentry workshop, He had demonstrated the God-given powers. Mary who hid in her heart everything the angel Gabriel told her about this unique son knew she had unusual conception and birth. Mary knew Jesus was a very uncommon child; and remembered the unusual greetings of the Angel in Luke 1:28-33 and her song of glory, the magnificent.  As if that was not enough, at the age of twelve, He was found in the temple rubbing minds with the elders and teachers of the law. Mary observed that unusual nature of her son, Jesus who was God presence with us and came to take away the sin of the world.

      Mary was concerned that the celebrants had run out of wine and yet they were more invitees still at the event. Her concerns suggested that she was close to celebrant. Mary was, however, hopeful that her son could do something to alleviate that shortage of wine by acceding to her request and honoring God. Have you been in a position to be drawn into something that was outside your original plan and after initial hesitation, you acceded to it? Our parents are fond of this practice. They could bring in people who are less privileged for help or those who need assistance with something. It may not necessarily be money; it could be a demand on your time, or tapping into your experience and exposure. It could happen when you travel home or when they are getting ready to return home after a visit. I do not know about you, but I have, many times, accepted to do things outside my original plan, just to honor my parents. It is part of who we are as a people, and a community; trying to be there for one another.

      Can your parents trust you to accede to their request even when it is a sacrifice on your part? Before Mary said to the servant of the host, whatever He ask you to do, do it, she trusted that her son had the authority and capacity to do whatever was necessary. This speaks in unspeakable terms, the relationship that existed between Jesus and her mother. In the same vein, can our heavenly Father depend on you to be His disciple and witness, to be good servant/steward? Can Jesus depend on us to feed His flocks and to love and accept one another in spite of our differences and shortcomings? Can He rely on us as good ministers who would preserve in faith, shine as light in the unchristian world; walking in righteousness and blamelessness without a reproach or guile? Can the throne of grace trust that, like Job, you will not deny the faith in the face of tragedy? Can God depend on you, as on Abraham, that you will raise and direct your children and household after Him no matter the trials of life? Can your spouse depend on you to protect and provide for her and the family; upholding them in your daily prayers. Can the Church depend on your love for giving and your benevolence for the kingdom expansion?

      When our parents need a little help from us, some of us think they are bothering us or are overbearing. The scripture directs us to honor our parents so that we may have long life, success and peace. This includes respecting, obliging, conceding, and submitting to them. They may not have done everything right or be the best model, but God says honor them because there is a reward. I bet you God will honor Himself and bring it to pass. They depend on us to cover their mistakes and to uphold them in difficult times. They depend on us to give birth and raise their grandchildren who will grow before them and propagate their lineage when they are gone. They depend on us to take leadership and improve their lives. As they pass the baton, our communities depend on us to step-up and make collective progress in re-engineering and re-directing our resources to enhance common goal.

      Mary told Jesus that the wine was exhausted.  Although Jesus had told her His time has not come, yet He obliged His mother the request; and to the awe of the celebrants and invitees, he turned water into wine. He made her proud and honored by availing the invitees with a choice wine that was better than all the wine they had ever served, such that the governor of the feast charged the celebrant of bringing the best wine  last [John 2:10]. As recorded in the scriptures, this was considered the first public miracle Jesus performed. By this singular miracle, Jesus demonstrated the presence of God in their midst; and how He can use the power of heaven to satisfy our longings and needs. Jesus is still alive and seated in His throne at the right hand of the Father, interceding for us. When we call upon Him, He still hears us.

      We should, however, be careful not to obey our parents sheepishly, especially when we are asked to compromise our faith. When parents raise their children rightly, and in fear of God, the children grow up in love, abiding in God’s Spirit. They become known for their good deeds, making positive impacts in their world, as well as affecting their generation. The children also grow up to enjoy the favor of God; demonstrating uncommon skills and gifts that touch the lives of people. The people then begin to ask: who are their parents? Little wonder parents are challenged to raise their children right; and they shall become great assets to parents, community and nation. The righteous man walks in his integrity, and his children are blessed after him. God has given each of us a unique talent to make us successful as to affect our generation; only in him shall we discover it and reveal His glory here on earth.

5.4   The Living Child is mine

      The role nature assigned to mothers is that of care and tenderness. The nurturing a mother gives is critical to a child’s wellbeing. I make bold to salute all mothers for being carriers of the conceptions, grooming and nurturing pregnancies, experiencing the struggles and pains of deliveries; every day care, comforting and supporting their children. Little wonder, the saying, “a woman’s tender care never ceases towards the child she bears”.

      I am inclined to illuminate our minds on the lessons derivable from the story of the two mothers in the book of First Kings, chapter three verses 16 through 27. These two women were prostitutes who lived in the same apartment and slept in the same room. They each had a new baby boy about the same time, within the same week. Within that week, they had no visitors. They had an ugly incident, a peculiar problem, so disturbing that they came to King Solomon for justice. While they slept in the night one of them accidentally rolled over on her baby and he died. When she observed the baby had died, she woke up and swiftly exchanged her dead child for the other woman’s living child. Could you imagine how such mischievous thought came about?  It is nothing less than the manipulation and manifestation of demonic influences. This is how Satan takes hold of someone’s mind to create havoc. Have you wondered how she could do such hurtful act to her colleague and room-mate?

      The next morning, the woman who had the living child got up to feed her baby only to find out he was lifeless. She put on the light and looked at him again; she knew he wasn’t her baby. She then raised an alarm. The woman whose son died and had stolen her colleagues’ baby insisted the dead son belonged to her room-mate while the living son belonged to her.  She shouted, “The living baby is mine; my son is alive.” These two women yelled at each other again and again and argued back and forth, even in front of King Solomon. The woman whose child was living suspected a foul play and tried to justify her suspicion. The stake was on the living child. In our world today, because of the advancement of science and technology in medical services, the King could have ordered DNA testing to determine the right mother.

      King Solomon asked for a sword to be brought and ordered that the living child be cut into two halves. The real mother of the baby screamed, ‘please do not kill my son, I love my son and he is my blood. Rather give him to her, when the child grows up he will know his mother’. The other woman whose child died shouted, ‘go ahead and cut him into two halves; then neither of us shall have the baby’. The bad sleeping habit woman who rolled over and killed her son had no feelings and sympathy for the living son. This was a great test that showed the wisdom of the king to the world; as he made a wise decision on a difficult problem, to the amazement of everyone in Israel and even beyond. It was evidence that God was with him.

      Let us examine the attitude and actions of these two prostitutes (women). Although they lived in the same room and practiced same trade, one was a mother and the other a murderer. The murderer portrayed a knife; killed her son, stole the other woman’s son and lied to cover her misdeed. She was inclined to cutting the living child with a sword. They are many knives in our marriages today and like their sender, Satan, come to steal, kill, and destroy.  However, the mother of the living son expressed deep sense of love and care for the child she bore. Her DNA was in the living child. She was a good nurturer [not a knife] and wonderful mother [not murderer] to her offspring. She trusted God that if the child grew up, he would know his mother. She was honest and truthful; full of tender care for his child. She said, “The living child is mine.”

      Child theft is not new; it is common and rampant even in hospital settings. Most rampant these days are the news of mothers killing the children they bear. In spite of the fact that God and society abhors these crimes as the perpetrators receive stiffer condemnation and sanctions, they still happen daily. Funny enough, Satan will continue to try; but with God on our side Satan cannot put out our light. “The evil shall bow before the good and the wicked at the gate of the righteous” [Proverbs 14:19]. Be aware of unfriendly friends; they are like internal enemies; they know your weaknesses and are ready to exploit them. They may smile but it is just cheerful deceit. Keep your loins girded and your lambs burning [Luke 12:35]. Beware Satan is about to steal your child, your crown and your destiny. Decree today that nobody steals your crown, kill your child, or destroy your future. Pray that your best friend is not lusting for your spouse or thinking of destroying your home.

      In this year of your laughter and celebration, the season of fake union, miscarriages, and suffer of reproaches has ceased. You will not suffer loses, weeping, mourning, mockery, and castigations anymore because God has remembered you.  The living child is yours. God has removed your shame and bad news.

      The devil is a liar and God has exposed his secret plans. His efforts to steal and destroy what belongs to you have been aborted. God shall scatter every jealous and covetous inclination of your unfriendly friends. Every Satanic arrow shut to destroy your marriage, your pregnancy, and relationship is returned to the sender. The dead child does not belong to you. The dead marriage is not your portion. Every spirit of destruction, gang, witchcraft, marine and stubbornness as well as depression has been routed away in Jesus name. May God bulldoze every stronghold of internal enemies in my life in Jesus name? May your enemies announce your promotion? May God reveal the secret plan of your enemy? Enjoy your year of uncommon favor and unusual happenings.

5.5      Ruth-Celebration of Family, Love, and Loyalty

The name “Ruth” could stand for pity and compassion or lovely friend.  I first read the story of Ruth in a Bible study book as an infant in Sunday school class. She was a young girl known for her kindness, love and loyalty. I also had watched the Girls Brigade in Nigeria act her in stage play. They dramatized her loyalty to Naomi, her mother-in-law. She was depicted as a resilient, loyal, and courageous young Moabite woman, who left her own people to remain with Naomi, her mother-in-law and her people; and became a wife to Boaz, an ancestor of King David.  The Moabite people and the Israelites were arch enemies, engaged in frequent and incisive wars. As a result of a famine, Elimelech and Naomi travelled to Moab as economic refugees, just like many people from the developing countries travel to more economically endowed countries. The difference is that the harsh situation in most of our home countries have not improved; not because God has not shown favor on our lands but due to gross mismanagement of God’s given resources, embezzlements, and grave indifference to the yelling’s of the masses; our booms turning into persisting dooms.

      Ruth was poor and came from very an ungodly background. She got married to Mahlon, one of the two sons of Elimelech and Naomi. Unfortunately, her husband died when the marriage was still young, just like her father-in-law, Elimelech, who hailed from Bethlehem in Judah. The causes of their deaths were not disclosed.  The biblical Ruth was a very determined and persevering woman, who had the strong character of inner mind.

      I happened to have known another Ruth, who was also rude. She was the opposite of the character represented in the Biblical Ruth. I was not too surprised because I happen to know people who share similar names but behave in opposite ways. For example: Some answer Innocent but exhibit behaviors that are demonic, crafty, vindictive, and perverse. Others answer Peter, but are very feeble and inconsistent. Some answer White, but are black; others are named Love but are hateful.

      The rude Ruth had a sharp tongue and very quarrelsome; had a loose character, spiteful, deceitful, and very unpleasant to stay around. She was a wet blanket, blatantly disrespectful, quarrelsome to the husband; she hated her mother-in-law and often prayed for her dead. She nicknamed her “a witch.”

      Much was not known of that great character, Ruth, until her mother-in-law, Naomi, had prepared to return home to Bethlehem because the news had come that God had shown favor on their land and the economic situation had turned around; poverty had turned into prosperity. Naomi and her family had suffered great misfortune in foreign land. She lost her husband and two male adult children, Mahlon and Chilion and was very devastated. In anguish of the loss, she had persuaded her two daughters-in-law, Ruth and Oprah to return to their parents and homes.

      Whereas Oprah had left reluctantly after some resistance, Ruth refused to be persuaded and insisted on following Naomi back to Bethlehem. Ruth came into Naomi’s life as a daughter-in-law, and after her husband died, she had suffered loneliness, grief and hardship with Naomi; decided to migrate with her to tribe in Bethlehem, and even vowed to die with her [Ruth 1:16-18].

     Some women bear the name Ruth, but have little or no knowledge of the character in the name. We live at a time some young women would not want to marry young men whose mothers are alive. Others claim to love their spouses; call them ‘sweetie’ but hate and maltreat their mothers in law. Some have branded their mother-in-laws “witches”, even when they are not. Could that be a case of giving a dog a bad name to hang it!? The funny thing about it is that these women are blessed with male children who shall in future get married; their wives shall also call their mothers-in-law the same nick name they called theirs. Don’t you know that you ripe what you sow?

      In the alternative, love covers all things; if you love your spouse, you have to love your mother-in-law. Do not ever lose sight of the fact that it is that “old fire wood” that gave birth to, nourished, and raised the man/woman you call ‘darling’.

      I believe there were some worthy virtues in Naomi that endeared Ruth and Oprah to her. These daughters-in-law were not Israelites but were Moabites women who accepted foreigners into their bosom. Neither Naomi nor Ruth was faultless but they accepted each other, shared lives, and clanged to each other through thick and thin. Ruth did not take advantage of either the husband or parents-in-law because they were economic refugees in their country. She heeded the wise counsel and advice of Naomi. Her humility, loyalty, and love towards Naomi, invoked God’s compassion and uncommon favor on her. She later got married to Boaz, a respected wealthy man from Elimelech’s family and was blessed with a male child, Obed.

      Even though Naomi and family lived in Moab, they maintained their Jewish identity. Naomi was such a sweet mother-in-law that she lived with foreign and ungodly daughter-in-law that her exemplary life converted them to live the Jewish culture and lifestyle. Nothing except love could have endeared these Moabite women to Naomi.  She did not bring disaster into her children’s home, but only peace and love. Most mothers-in-law are threats to their children’s homes. Their presence brood and deepen troubles and misunderstandings in the home they visit; some join hands with their daughters/sons to put out their spouses and easily graduate from visitors to co-home owners. May we also celebrate family, love and loyalty of a great mother, Naomi and her daughter-in-law, Ruth.

Chapter 6

Responsible Fatherhood

   6. 1  Responsible Fatherhood

      Our society is sadly becoming fatherless. By ‘fatherless’ I mean the disappearance of fathers at homes. Some traveled out in search for daily bread; others are emotionally absent, separated or divorce. In most western countries, mothers and grandmothers raise the children. Current statistics reveal that only a third of the children in the United States will reach the age of 18 with both biological parents living together. Dr Wade Horn, US Department of Health and Human Services in 2002 address said “The most consequential social trend of our time is the dramatic increase in the number of children growing up in father-absent families. In 1960 this number stood at less than 10 million. Today [2002] it is 24 million. This means that one out of every three children in America goes to bed in a home absent their father; 40 percent of children who do not live with their fathers have not seen their fathers during the past year. And one-half have never set foot in their father’s home……”

      Good News magazine writing on the Epidemic of missing fathers said, ‘Studies found that children who live apart from their biological fathers …….are twice as likely to suffer physical or emotional neglect; to manifest emotional or behavioral disorder, including suicidal behavior; to abuse alcohol or illegal drugs; to be suspended or expelled from school or to drop out; and at least are likely to end up in jail.’ According to a Princeton university study, “each year spent without a dad at home increased the odds in the future incarceration by 5 percent”. Again, according to the Bureau of justices statistics, “70 percent of juveniles in state reform institutions grew up in a single parent or no parent situation, and 53% of state prison inmates grew up apart from their fathers……..”

      Before the World War 1, family law awarded custody of a child to the father, who was considered head of household, central to educating children, providing for them and preparing them for adult life. After World War 1, the American nation experienced a shift in culture. The family law adapted a view that the mother was the primary nurturer of children in their early ages and awarded custody of young children to them. Since the 1970s, courts have been making a slow swing back towards the reality and are, in most cases, inclined to awarding custody to father as much as to mothers. Today the court would order the man to leave the home when there are irreconcilable conflicts. When a man leaves the house it is regarded not uncommon and treated with a wave of hand. As good as the decision stands, it does not truly meet the needs of children that require both parents.

      Years back, fathers were mostly concerned with providing for the family. When mothers joined the work force, the average time parents spent with children dropped. As both parents pursued their careers and headed off to work, the children were commonly dropped off at school or daycare facilities. Daycares and schools are, however, no substitute for parents’ in the children’s life. It is nearly impossible for parents to train and influence their children if they do not spend enough time with them. As journalist Caitlin Flanagan put it, “The one thing you cannot buy is the presence of someone who cares deeply and principally about the home and the people who live in it; who is willing to spend time, thinking about what these people will eat and what clothes they will need for each occasions….”

      It was not a long time ago that the feminist and women liberals came up with alternative family lifestyles. They opined that white-collar mothers could raise their children just as well as without fathers. This has led to the assumption that mothers can raise children without a father in the home; suggesting that fathers are not really needed in parenting. Statistics and studies have shown that this assumption is illusive and undermines the crucial role fathers play in the lives of their children. Studies also suggest that children feel emotional bonds more permanently than any other feeling. By carrying the baby 9 to 10 months during pregnancy; breast feeding and nurturing the children; the mothers are emotionally bonded to the children. The society has, however, thrown away fathers; has denied them opportunities to realize their contribution to the children, and has not recognized as crucial partner in parenting.

      It is important to know that mothers and fathers communicate in different styles with the children; and both are necessary for the children’s balanced growth and personality. Children, therefore, do better when they live in two-parent families. Men are becoming   more concerned with balancing work and family. The men have also found out that the more they play, share recreational activities, and humor with their children, the closer, the more open, and more satisfactory their relationships. This emotional investment brings enormous benefits and rewards in the life of both parents and children. Fathers play unique and distinctive role not only in child rearing but also in sharing the burden of daily care. As Dr Ross Parke indicated, “New studies have shown that fathers, who normally are not given as much credit as mother in child rearing actually play virtual roles in the upbringing of children and their future successes”.

      Dr Kyle Pruett observed that the children’s social, physical, and intellectual development benefits greatly from the involvement of fathers. Indeed, his masculine child rearing tactics often include horseplay with the children, which obviously cause worries and anxieties in mothers. Surprisingly these activities fulfill vital roles in the children’s social, physical and intellectual skills, both at school and beyond.

      Little wonder Harmon Killebrew was quoted as saying, “My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come up and say “You’re tearing up the grass”; father would reply “we’re not raising grass; we’re raising boys”. A father’s playfulness helps his children develop motor skills, hand-eye coordination, balance, and confidence. Such activities create lasting bonds between father and children; and also help them lose their fears about taking on new challenges.

      Children who learn early social skills from their fathers do better with peers, have higher levels of verbal skills, and score higher; as well as been better prepared to face life challenges and problems-solving skills. These exploratory skills are crucial, both at school and at the work place. People, who are inquisitive, socially developed, and unafraid of trying different methods and roles, are more prone to being successful in meeting challenges of life. Their fathers have already taught them how to explore the odd world, develop curiosity, self-esteem, and confidence.

      Most importantly, as a spiritual head of the family, a father should not only teach his children spiritual and moral values but also live them. For this reason, Clarence Budington Keller, talking about his father, said, “He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived and let me watch him do it”. Confucius opined, “The father who does not teach his sons his duties, is equally guilty with the son who rejects them.”  Mothers normally give care and comfort while fathers focus on teaching children about the world around them.

6.2      Celebrating Fatherhood

      As the United States continues its global war on terror, many beloved young country men and women are standing sentinel at various war fronts, defending American interest as well as the world’s. Families are separated for prolong period; most fathers are at war while mothers work in the offices or factories. Needs are not met; children left uncared for and become fatherless by emotional absence, divorce or death.

      In this age and time we acknowledge that the family is under severe attack. The attack on the traditional family setting is a direct attack on fatherhood and on the God of all creation. During the 1970s and 1980s, the liberal thinkers [feminist, social liberals], designed new family structures: the homosexuals, gay and lesbian unions, swinging clubs lifestyles, etc. They claimed that children could be healthily raised without the men; even claimed that the child is better off without them. They propounded two myths: fathers are incompetent and fathers do not care. As Jerold Aust of Good News Magazine also opines, modern TV shows like: Desperate Housewives, Wife swap, and Two and a Half Men represent the wrong side of the family values and help corrupt the reality of family life.

      As the societal culture throws away the fathers; emotionally absent, frustrated out of the home, discarded, incapacitated or incarcerated.  The attack on fatherhood ushers in conflict leadership at home, mutual disrespect; distort families and create family disorientation; children involvement in drugs, alcohol and gangs as well as other obscene behaviors

      As crime rate soars high, many young fathers are serving various jail terms in penitentiaries. Those who survive strive to work and provide the child support payments that are usually diverted to other uses than the care for the child. Obviously, these new structures come with certain attractions: freedom of choice, self-fulfillment, right of abortion and freedom to divorce. The effect has, however, been the sudden upward surges in divorce rate, juvenile delinquency, unwanted pregnancy, truancy among children;  whereas child molesters and rapist roam around looking for those to devour. The environment has become more unsafe with numerous home invasions.

        It is, therefore, not uncommon these days to hear some people talk much about their mothers and little or nothing about their fathers. The mothers usually give care and comfort; as child-mother bond is established during the prenatal period; improved during breast feeding; and at toddler years the child looks into the mom’s face, knows her and appreciates her.

      Children also yean deeply for father; they are born with a drive to find and connect, not only their mothers, but also with their fathers. In Christian and African relationship, a man proposes and marries a woman; becoming her husband. From biblical records, God created the man first, through him he made the woman as a completion to the man. God made the man a head [an overseer] and the woman a neck [pivot] without which the head cannot turn. God’s intent is to establish authority in his institution. Dr Ross Parke, author of Fatherhood, opined, “The most impressive thing is fathers are finally waking up to the fact they do matter and society is also recognizing it. Fathers, as well as their wives, are realizing fathers do play a unique and distinctive role not only in child rearing but in sharing the burden of daily child care as well….”

      The changes in nuclear family culture of today, where both husband and wife work, have also affected the role of fathers in the family. They are no longer seen as only providers; as also involved in child rearing, cooking, diaper-changing, and putting the baby to sleep. Some men may not perform these functions as well as the women do [no naggings] but cultural changes are helping to strengthen father-child relationship, the emotional development of the child, and the building of stronger family bonds. The role of the father is by no means secondary to that of the mother. In God’s design of family unit, children are to be reared and raised by father and mother to enable balanced and full personality development.

      Although the mother conceives, bears the pregnancy, gives birth, breast feeds, rears and nurtures the child; the father enhances the child’s spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial as well as social well-being. A father is the ideal man in the life of their daughters; the first man they adore and fall in love with; whereas the boys idolize and emulate him, as well as aspire to be like him. Ideally, parents are role model for their children. The children do what they see their parents do. Children with both parents feel safe as they observe the interactions between their parents. If children observe that their parents raise voices in anger, sarcastic to each other, rain insults, or put down other people; their children are more likely to learn and emulate these wrong values. Our children should inherit good values and blessings and pass them to their own children.

      “Fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation. It is the leading cause of declining child wellbeing in the society,” warned social historian David Blankenhorn. ‘It’s also the engine driving our most urgent social problems; from crime to adolescent pregnancy, to child sex abuse, to domestic violence against women’. ‘Infants who have been well-fathered during the first eighteen to twenty-four months of life are more likely to feel secured than those who were not exploring the world around them; and they do so with vigor and interest. They tend to be more curious and less hesitant or fearful, especially in the face of novel or unusual stimuli’ [Dr Kyle Pruett]. These exploratory skills are crucial both at school and at the workplace. People, who are inquisitive, socially developed and not afraid to try different methods are more likely to easily excel in challenges.

      Researches have suggested that women who are high achievers (such as Margaret Thatcher and Indira Ghandi) were highly influenced and encouraged by their fathers in their academic and political careers. ‘Sons of fathers who took more responsibility for limit setting, discipline and helping their child with personal problems and social work had significantly higher empathy scores…….Father deprivation is directly linked to difficulties in a child’s self-control’ [ K. Pruett]. ‘Fathers in the family are even more important than women in the workplace.’

      “Honor your father and mother” this is the first of the Ten Commandments that ends with a promise……..You will live long life and it shall be well with you. Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord’ [Ephesians 6:2-4].  This underlined Anna Jarvis’s spearheading of the struggle to promote mother’s day celebration as well as inspiring Sonora Dodd. The honor and celebration of fathers came after many years of celebrating motherhood.

      The idea of celebrating fathers originated and was vigorously pursued by Sonora Dodd, a loving daughter from Spokane. Her father, Henry Jackson smart single-handedly raised Sonora and five of her siblings following her mom’s demise during child birth. Over the years many church groups and communities celebrated Father’s day. The campaign and general acceptability got the attention and recognition of President Woodrow Wilson who approved the idea in 1916. As its popularity became eminent, President Calvin Coolidge in 1924 supported the idea of a National Father’s Day. This passion provoked, in 1957, Senator Margaret Chase Smith’s letter to the Congress, “Either we honor parents, mother and father or let us desist from honoring either one. But to single out just one of the two parents and omit the other is the most grievous insult imaginable.”  Following protracted struggles and campaign President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday in June as father’s day in 1966.  President Richard Nixon in 1972 established a national Father’s Day to be held on 3rd Sunday of June every year. This concept has spread beyond geographical boundaries and the world celebrates Father’s day in June of every year.

      Father’s day celebration give us opportunity to express thanks and gratitude to our fathers for all their unconditional love and affection; working hard to provide our numerous needs, encouraging us in our failures, and being there all the time. It could be an occasion to apologize for our insensitive behavior and silly rudeness; ask for forgiveness and blessings on our lives. We pray for our fathers and family, asking God for long life, good health and peace. We appreciate our fathers for the discipline and for not giving us all we asked for; for not granting all our permissions to go everywhere we wanted. Phillip Whitman (Snr) said, “Any fool can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy.” .Pope John xxiii said it is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.

      Buttressing this, TV Psychologist Dr Phil McGraw urges, “It’s time …hey don’t surrender, don’t give up. Don’t be intimidated by all the forces tugging on your children and family. Don’t accept the epidemics of oral sex, drugs and alcohol in middle and upper schools. Don’t give up on a child that ignores your instructions because God has not given up on us. As custodians, present them daily to their owner. You may not be their best friend but you are charged to be their leader. Do not parent out of the fear that your children could run away from the home or that they won’t like you. Do not let the internet or TV baby sit them. You may not borrow money to buy them designer dresses or shoes, but provide the ideal environment for their spiritual, social, and intellectual development.”

      Barbara Kingsolver, in, Animal Dreams, said, “It kills you to see them grow up but I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.” Helen Rowland opined, ‘I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection’ “Small boys become big men through the influence of big men who care about small boys.”

6.3 Appreciating Fathers

      . We often forget and take for granted the sacrifices of our fathers, and the role they played in shaping our lives. I make bold to appreciate all fathers beyond words and imaginations because they deserve our honor. We honor not only our biological fathers but all who have played fatherly roles in our lives: Step fathers, uncles, grandfathers and big brothers as well as other mentors. We should always remember and express gratitude to these people for helping to mold us into what we are today as well as what we shall become in future including those our lives shall impart.

      Father’s Day is a special day of great significance for everyone. Everyone has a father; whether living or dead, known or unknown, present or away and responsible or irresponsible. It is a day of commemoration and celebration of fathers. We use this day to honor fathers all over the world as we celebrate fatherhood. It helps to acknowledge the enormous contributions of fathers in individual families and to society at large; by providing children an opportunity to express thanks, love and respect for their fathers. This sentiment goes a long way to strengthen father-child relationship and in the emotional development of children. Children depend on fathers for spiritual, emotional, physical, financial, and social wellbeing. Honoring a father means more than buying dad a new shirt or tie on Father’s Day. It includes the concepts of showing gratitude and practicing obedience. It also avails mothers an opportunity to re-appreciate their heads, the symbol of authority, and the father of their children.

      In our world today, many people struggle to define what it means to be a father. Among them are those who did not know their fathers while growing up. Their fathers could have died while they were infants or at war; are in incarceration; may have separated or been divorced from their mothers due to irreconcilable differences.  Whatever is the case, they were absent in their lives. Hear this from Richard Henry Dana: “One night a father overheard his little son pray: “Dear God, make me the kind of man my daddy is.” Late that night the father prayed, “Dear God, make me the kind of man my son want me to be”.

      Some Christians today who may not have had too great a time with their dads; but are determined to tow new paths. Others have great memories of the bonding and rapport they had with their dads growing up; and thrive to meet it or improve on it.  An earthly man should, however, draw his fatherhood portrait from our Heavenly Father. Indeed, no human experience can meet the fatherhood God, our Heavenly Father offers and gives; but we can learn and emulate it. The word, father could mean different things to different people. It all depends on how the person was raised and the relationship one had with his earthly father. It could stand for one who procreates] or one who adopts a child or help raise a child. A father could stand for a male parent of an animal.

      It could also represent male ancestors or used as a title bestowed out of respect for an elderly or venerable man; or for one who leads men in a city called “City Father.” A father also stands for a man who creates, originates or found something or symbolizes a Priest or Clergyman in Roman Catholic or other Churches

      We live in a society and culture where, unfortunately, fatherhood is greatly devalued and demeaned as well as ridiculed. This society practices legality without morality and is quickly becoming morally decadent. Many women just see fathers as toys for sexual procreation and satisfaction.  Others do not even need one because they have a new device or an alternative for sexual enjoyment and fulfillments. Some fathers have been kicked out of the house for the sole purposes of obtaining child support; for freedom to take on other men; to enjoy marathon sexual escapades; or indulge in the euphoria of same sex experiences. Some other fathers who have been spared the afore-mentioned degradations have been ‘shut-down’ in their homes; either because their spouses bake more bacon or for other objectionable reasons. They live in marital loneliness; becoming ‘slave’ in their homes. The Church ought to stand up against these misconstrued images and ill-behaviors meted to fathers. The society should have to rethink about family values by restoring and upholding the authorities of fathers in marriage institution.

      The scripture urges children to honor their father and mother with a promise; that it may be well with you and you may live long on earth. Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath; but bring them up in the nurture (training) and admonition of the Lord [Ephesians 6:2-4]. It is not only the duty of children to honor their parents; but also the duty of parents to deserve that high regard by raising their children in the Christian upbringing and discipline [tough love]. The book of Proverbs gives the following injunctions: “Train up a child in the way which he should go; and when he grows up, he will not depart from it.”[Proverbs 22:6]. “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.” [Proverbs 22:15]. “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beat him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shall beat him with the rod and shall deliver his soul from hell” [Proverbs 23:13-14]. “Chasten thy son while there is hope and let not thy soul spare for his crying” [Proverbs 19:18]. “Whosoever curses his father or his mother, his lamp shall be put off in obscure darkness” [Proverbs 20:20]. Also read: Proverbs 17:6; 29:10, 15, 17.

      Fatherhood comes from God of all creation. He made man in His image and likeness and to produce after his own kind. Abraham was ninety nine years old and God called him and said to him, “I’m Almighty God, walk before me and be blameless……..I will make you a father of all nations [Genesis 1:27-28; 17:1ff]. It is not man made. Not every man can be a father; not every father is a dad. God created a man with all best intent. He is the only person that can make a man, a father. God did not create a woman to be a man or a dad. God made a man a head; and did not create a woman as a helpmate to preside over a man in the house, Church and society. Every man who fathers a child has a moral and sacred responsibility to that child.

       By divine design, fathers are to lead; invariably presiding over their families in love and righteousness. They are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. The best father is one who knows God as his Heavenly Father; places his trust in Jesus Christ and pledges his loyalty to Him alone. Only Jesus Christ can provide that relationship [John14:6]. He should be a covenant person who has been circumcised in the heart and has passion for family and humanity. The purpose of God is to make fathers in His image and likeness; to portray the same quality that our Heavenly Father has: To lead, to provide and to protect.  Confucius once said, “Fathers like mothers are not born. Men grow into fathers and fathering is a very important stage in man’s development.” Also, Red Bottons opined, “I don’t care how poor a man is, if he has a family, he’s rich”.

      Some religious denominations think that because God is a Spirit, He can be addressed as He or She. Although, this thought makes good ordinary (religious) sense, it is biblically misleading. This emerging thought process could, therefore, be dangerously deceitful. Even Jesus Christ called Him Father. Indeed God is an Almighty Father and joins in the celebration of Fatherhood. He is also the Head of Jesus Christ [I Corinthians 11:3]. Every human experiences of fatherhood come from the Father of all creation and the Father of the Lord Jesus Christ…. [Ephesians 1:3].

      Fatherhood begins when a man is born into a family. He conceives a vision and he marshals out goals to achieve the vision. Part of the reason of his vision is to accomplish the purpose of his birth as a member of a greater family.  He brings home a helpmate (a spouse) to assist him in his love journey. It does not matter if the spouse may have come from a richer family background, have more education and /or ‘bakes more bacon’. What is important is that the man and the woman have cleaved together and become a unit and a couple [Genesis 2:24]. The mere fact that the man is married makes him a responsible person; for he fulfills God’s provision for a man; for it’s not good for man to be alone [Proverbs 14:1; 18:22].

      The man becomes a head of the family; and should be accorded such respect and honor. As God blesses the couple with children, they become part of the success story of the marriage. The children live the life their father envisions. The child may, to his surprise; see himself doing what the father does [Proverbs 17:6]. When God looks at him, he sees his father in himself, because the DNA of the Father is in the child. This reflection is found in every child; male or female. Have you ever been puzzled by how your father’s life resembles his father’s, his grandfather’s and yours? Little wonder Jesus said, “If you have known me you should have known my Father also………Believe me that I am in the father and the Father in me…..[John 14: 7, 11].

      We appreciate our fathers because they have given us opportunities to life and success. Your father is a gift from God. He is a symbol of authority, not a doormat; and has spiritual oversight over the home, the Church and the society. So when Satan tries to attack a family, he starts with the head. If the head becomes too strong for him to destroy, he attacks the body. Through a father, and of course the mother, God hatched you into this world; and in you is your father’s DNA that connects you with a wider family. In the same vein, when you have given your life to Christ and become saved, the life of the Father comes into you through Jesus Christ in the power of the Holy Spirit.

      The heavenly Father has given us an opportunity to live a sanctified life through faith in Jesus Christ. The life a child lives is given to him by the father; and that cannot change. A child needs to celebrate his father as well as appreciate him. The man marries his wife to help him pursue and accomplish his vision. She shares in the burden of her husband. She should not allow her vision to conflict with the vision of the husband; rather it should complement it. Where her vision conflicts with her husband’s, the vision of the husband comes under stress; and becomes subject to failure as suffers divided attention. When two captains stir the ship, there is confusion and calamity.

      A father may discipline his child: that could come with some pains; but later, the child grows up to know it was for his/her own interest that he/she faced those admonitions, pains, and corrections.  “As you endure this discipline, remember that God is treating you as His own child…………No discipline is enjoyable while it’s happening, it’s painful! But afterwards, there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way” [Hebrews 12:7, 11]. A good father must exercise tough love and exemplary discipline: “Do not withhold correction from a child: for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod and deliver his soul from hell” [Proverbs 23:13-14]. “The rod and rebuke gives wisdom but a child left to him brings shame to his mother. Correct your son and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight to your soul” [Proverbs 29:15, 17]. “Only a fool despises his father’s instructions. But he who receives correction is prudent” [Proverbs 15:5].

      When it comes to what constitutes the right discipline for a child, some parents are divided. Some mothers usually become emotional; opposing the discipline the fathers impose on their children. This could be because some of them were raised by fathers who abhorred discipline; or as a ploy to endear them to the children. When, unfortunately, the child grows up with bad behaviour, they turn around to blame the government, school districts, teachers, peer groups, every other institution as well as other persons except themselves.

      Some spouses would even blame the fathers openly for trying to discipline their children. They insult and threaten to sue teachers for trying to correct and discipline their children. I do not support raising a child under carrot and stick approach. It is not in the best interest of the child. Discipline to a child should be done in love and utmost care. Most people who lacked father’s love and care while growing up regret such vital omission; some of them become more determined to improve their relations with their children. I strongly believe that anyone who enjoyed a good rapport with his/her father while growing up would want his/her children to enjoy better bonding with their father.

         Children often see their father as having the answers to everything. Fathers are the biggest source of strength for a child. The innocent eyes of a child perceive his/her father as the all-powerful, most knowledge, truly affectionate, and the most important person in the family. For daughters, fathers are the first men they adore and fall in love with. While for sons their fathers are the strongest person they know and someone they aspire to emulate.

      A father deserves honor; but also has some responsibilities:

i. A father should be with the wife during birth to welcome the child. Lord Chesterfield says, “Don’t make a baby if you can’t be a father.”

ii. He should love the mother of his children. Philip Whitman Snr, said, “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”

iii. Train his children and give them exposure in life. Jim Tressel writing on The Game of Life opined thirty years ago, parents put, as their top priority their children studying hard for academic excellence, becoming a man of good conscience, and growing as a human being. These days, with the possibility of lure of big money in sports, some parents push and support their children in areas of sport so as to make out of their children potential financial windfall.

iv. Learn to listen more, trust and be a good role model.

v. Seek more opportunity to give your child a sense of belonging. Clarence Budington Kelland says, “My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass” Father would respond, “we are not raising grass, we’re raising boys.”

vi. Express words of appreciation and praise more often.

vii. Spend more time together with the family. Aldous Huxly says, “A man’s desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate self in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.”

viii. Has spiritual oversight over the family. A father is a covenant person, highly respected; and through him the children share the vision of humanity. He is the source of life and authority.

ix. Leave inheritance for his children [Proverbs 13:22; 20:20]. 10. Also He gives out their children [the brides] to marriage [Exodus 22:17].

6.4 I Have a Father

      A story goes like this: A woman had an irreconcilable difference with her husband; she moved out of the house; taking their little son. They returned to the woman’s family. The boy joined the mother to call his grandfather, Papa. One day, at about ten years of age, he had a misunderstanding with another boy and they fought. The other child called him a fatherless child (bastard) who takes his grandfather as his father. The boy cried and was compelled to ask the mother to show him who his father was. Initially, the mother resisted and maintained that his grandfather was his father.

      After unyielding pressure from the boy, and persuasion from school teachers, as well as pressure from well-meaning elders of the community, the mother had no choice than to show the boy to his father.

      The boy was excited to meet his father. The moment he saw his father, he ran to him; hugged, and they both wept for joy. When he returned home with his mother, the boy quickly ran to his play mates with a new message, “I have a dad and I know who my dad is.” “….A child’s glory is his father” (Pro. 17:6b). In John 14:8, Philip said to Jesus, “Lord show us the Father and that is all we ask (sufficient to us).” We have seen you; we want to see the Father. You talk about Him but we want to see and feel Him. We human beings believe what we see (sight) but faith believes what is not seen.

      We are in a time in history where the institution of fatherhood has been severely challenged, persecuted and belittled as well as damaged. The role of a father is often relegated to a secondary status as compared to a mother. The reason is not farfetched. The societies we live in have little regards for manhood, and have trashed fatherhood and fatherly headship to the pit. Instead, we exalt equality and abhor submission; and rebel against God’s assigned authority in marriage. We must understand that God had given every husband a clear responsibility for Spiritual leadership (both at home and in Church) and men do not abdicate that duty. The husband, not the wife, is to be the head of the family. It does not depend on who makes higher income or on who has a better paid job. Even within Trinity, they profess to be equal but God the Father is the head over Jesus. They are fully God and perfectly equal in essence.  Jesus always identified God, the Father as His Dad.

      While mothers are the heroes of child rearing, fathers are great in the development of the emotional well-being of the child. Another gem put it this way, “Mothers normally give care and comfort while fathers focus on teaching children about the world around them”.  This division has been broken as fathers are now involved in child rearing. Most fathers now change dippers, bath, and feed the baby as well as help to put them to sleep. Above all, it is significant to know that every child has a man who planted the seed that geminated into a plant; whether it is legitimate or illegitimate; present or absent. Thanks to DNA. There is something in every child that only the Father gives. That is why a child can say my father lives in me (John 14:11); If you know me, you have known my father (John 14: 7). Mother is a seed carrier, whereas father is a seed planter. This God given ability is often played down, or considered animalistic, or put on a cheap light. Lord Chesterfield charged, “Don’t make a baby if you can’t be a father.”

      Whether your father is alive or dead, known or unknown, present or away from home (through separation, divorce, at war defending our freedom or incarcerated), responsible or irresponsible; everyone has a father….earthly and heavenly father. You cannot be a father without having a father. You can be a father to your children but you are a child to your father, and we are all children to our heavenly father. Without my father I wouldn’t have the life I live today.  My father’s DNA is in me. It is because of his DNA that I look like him and in some aspect, I somehow behave like him. The lapses that I abhor in him, I sometimes find myself doing or longing for them. Little wonder, Jesus said, “I am in the Father and the father is in me” (John 14:.10). My father lives in me. My father is a life giver (seed planter) while my mother is a life bearer (seed carrier). My mother used to tell me, “If God did not want me to be your mom; I wouldn’t have conceived and given birth to you.” In the same vein, if God did not want him to be your father, he would not have begotten you. In all, it means you are not an accident to your parents or nature but a divine blessing, and child of destiny. You better stop imagining; I would have been better off, if I was born to another parents. Red Buttons said, “I don’t care how poor a man is, if he has family, he’s rich”.

      Every father is a child of man and of God. You are always their child, no matter how old. You are a product of the human reproductive process. The life you live is given to you by your earthly father while your heavenly father designed and created the process and the miracle of conception. We are products of earthly parents, mothers and father, and we also have a heavenly Father to whom we are responsible to.  Every good and perfect gift comes from God …… (James1:17). Fathers are stewards, middle managers; we must honor our fathers and receive instructions from above and pass them unadulterated to those God has put in our care (1 Corinthians 4:2).

      An earthly father obtains his fatherhood portrait from our Heavenly Father. The authority of fatherhood or headship also comes from God and His word. The bible is quite clear in assigning headship in every family to the father, and not to the Mother.  There should be no struggles or competition; men should not abdicate or derelict this duty; for they are accountable to God, and not man. It is your responsibility to submit to the authority of your father, human and heavenly; because you are a child. That is what your children watch, learn, and adopt, as well as emulate. Do not ask your children to do what you do not do for your Father (earthly and heavenly). B. Hubbard says, “My father didn’t tell me how to live, he lived and let me watch him do it”. Also, the children want to see their father as the overseer/Spiritual head of the family, role model, and their great friend. Anyone who, before them, t puts their father down causes great conflict.

      Fathers are under authority to their fathers (earthly and heavenly). It is on this line of delegated authority and responsibility that you train (instruct) and admonish your children (Ephesians 6:2-4; Proverbs 22:6; 22:15; 23:13-14; 19:18; 20:20); do not provoke your children to wrath or ridicule them. Fathers need God’s wisdom to enable them perform the function of fathering.  Fathers have a responsibility: to hug them, thank, tell their children they love them. We must cherish them, buy them their needs not wants, care and love their mom; take interest in what they do and pray with them as well as raise them with tough love.

          This opposing perception of fatherhood as represented in Father’s Day messages of two kids, Joseph and Phillip, could illustrate the things we often take for granted or ignore.

 Joseph: My father taught me to pray Our Father, who art in heaven. He told me that God is our heavenly Father. In my mind, he amuses me. God is like my father? I’m not sure my father really cares about me. He is always out to play golf; when he at home, he watches sports on television and read newspapers. He does not talk or play with me. The only time he tries to talk is when he sends me on errand or finds fault with what I do. It is like he derives joy in spanking me; doesn’t know it hurts and is painful? Sometime I greet him after meal and he does not respond. I take his shoes off his legs and put them in the closet, he does not say thank you. Beside he is not nice to mom. He talks always in harsh tone and smiles when his friends come by. I do not think he is fair to us. I like Uncle Moses. He buys us things, takes us to the park and plays with us. I like his God. Happy Father’s Day, Uncle Moses.

Phillip: My Dad is a High Court judge. One evening he was returning from work with his Police Escort; his truck drove into the driveway. I’m his little lad and was eating dinner when I heard the sound of my father’s truck, I ran out with dirty bib to welcome him. The Law Escort saw me running out and tried to stop me because I wore a dirty bib strained with food particles. “My Dad called the law escort to order saying to him, “In the court, I’m a judge but at home, I’m a husband and a father.” He bent down and carried me, hugged me and kissed me. He said to me you are a wonderful son, I love you. My father is a good father and loves me. I wish you Happy Father’s Day.

6.5    Fathers, Command Your Children and Household

“It’s easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.” Pope John xxiii

      My celebration of fatherhood is a way of restoring the image and authority that had long been wrestled away in many homes; where moms and grandmas raised children, dad’s absence. As we reinstate the headship as designed and instituted by God, we return the honor to the family. By so doing, we honor God who had, not only created marriage institution; but had also set up the authority of a man over his household.

      The scripture says the head of Christ is God, the Father; the head of man is Christ; and man is the head of a woman [1 Corinthians 11:3]. That means that, even within the Trinity where they are fully God and perfectly equal in essence, there is a head [John 10:30; 14:9-10]. The scripture is quite clear in assigning headship in every family to a husband, not to the wife; and the responsibility of teaching and leading the home and Church to a man not a woman; men should not abdicate these functions. Man and women are spiritual equals [the redeemed of the Lord] in the sight of God. However, the role they perform in the family and Church clearly differ [1 Timothy 2:12; 1 Peter 3:7]. Mothers normally give care and comfort while fathers focus on teaching children about the world around them

      The husband is the head but the wife is the neck without which the head may not turn. This is a mystery of God; both in the family and Church. This could make or mar your marriage, profession, and your relationship with God. The word of God is eternal; even when you attempt to twist it to suit your behavior, it does not change. People of all ages have tried to ‘dip and skip’ the word of God; but thank God, it has been secured in heaven. As for God, His way is perfect [Psalms 18:30ff].

      The consequences of man’s erring behaviors are commonplace. Even in this troubling times and age in our history, men should carry out this responsibility like a life fish swimming against all the currents. It may not be easy, especially, in the society we live in. The institution of fatherhood has suffered great setbacks to the extent that some children do not believe in the place of father in the family; probably because they never had one. There is also deliberate fight for headship that has resulted into leadership conflicts in some homes. What happens is that the two captains in the family ship give conflicting directions and continuously live in disagreement. This plants seeds of discord in the family. “When two elephants fight the grass [children] suffers.” Again, it appears that the institution of fatherhood has been offered for sale; depending on who bakes more bacon and can pay the price. This state of affair causes disharmony and disunity in the family and body of Christ as well as before God, whom we claim to worship and serve.

      Fathering in this age and society can be challenging as well as extremely difficult; but men must take their calling seriously, be as wise as the serpent; applying all wisdom. Successful fathering requires the father being personally and actively involved in the training of the children. Fathers need to influence their children just like God commands [Deuteronomy 6:5-9]. God commands and controls through His unconditional love; being there for us even when we err and fallen short of his expectation. God, in Christ demonstrated the agape love in the parable of the prodigal son [Luke 15:11ff]. In the scripture, God had singled out some great fathers who demonstrated good parenting skills and godly qualities; such men include father Abraham whom God recognized his upbringing and parenting skills. King David messed up after God had shown him favor and lifted him to a place of prominence. But he applied rebound technique and had the privilege to enjoy the power of God’s forgiveness and restoration. The scripture also recognized fathers who enjoyed the high office of leadership but could not raise their family after God [1 Samuel.2:22ff]. Little wonder some people are successful in the office but fail at home.

      Concerning the father Abraham, the Lord God said, “Shall I hide from Abraham that thing I wish to do? Seeing that Abraham shall surely become a great and mighty nation and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him? For I know him that he will command his children and his household after him and they shall keep the way of the Lord, to do justice and judgment……” [Genesis 18:17-19].

      From the above, God’s expected that Abraham will lead, train, instruct and teach his child and household to fear and obey God. Read, meditate and reflect the word daily. He will pray his family and all that live in his household to fully surrender to God as their source of living and satisfier.  He shall be exemplary to his children and household such that they will reveal the love inside to outsiders [Genesis 17:23ff].

      As for God, His way is perfect [Psalm 18:30]. God also expected that Abraham would command his children to obey Him even when it makes no natural sense. They shall follow Him even when they do not know where they are going: shall yield their lives to Him and do whatever He says even when they do not know the outcome. By justice, God meant righteousness, fairness, and equity; the use of authority in the fear of God to obtain right judgment. Anything short of justice is bias, partiality and lack of mercy.

      God is looking for fathers who will not only teach their children and household on how to fear and seek after God; but also to listen, obey, depend, and wait on Him. Fathers who are willing to leave their familiar and comfort zone in obedience to God’s command and follow Him, even when they do not know where they are going or the outcome.[Genesis 12:1ff]. God seeks fathers who will believe the word more than news reports and physicians findings; those who call on God before 911. He is looking for men who will fall and rise again and again until they fall no more. David was a man after God’s own heart, yet he made mistakes and repented; God still used him to accomplish many tasks. He enjoyed God’s forgiveness, mercies, grace, and unconditional love.

      God is seeking fathers who would care enough to know what happens to their children and household; where they are, and who their friends are. These fathers shall know what they are exposed to: communication, environmental, physiological, and spiritual. In these days and time, we need to know who our children chat and hang out with. Children need fathers who will keep open hearts for their children and forgive them unconditionally; must be as compassionate as Moses; and teach them the skills to face their world. God is looking for a father who will be a good husband to his wife and mother of his children. A father whose wife will respect and selflessly support his ministry and vision in life; not one who is cantankerous and always attempts to control as well as become wet blanket [Genesis 2:18ff].

Chapter 7

What is a Christian marriage?

A Christian marriage is a union between two persons [male and female] whereby they vow to be committed to sharing life together. God designed it for companionship, multiplication, and character building. Every good Christian marriage is built on true love. Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians describes the great qualities of this true love. “………love is patient, love is kind…..is not self-seeking…keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth…..” [1 Cor.13:4-7].

9.1      The Basic Principles of Christian Marriages

[i] When two people decide to marry, they must be prepared to assume responsibilities of each other; the opposite complement the other to perform tasks, harmonizing self to ensure collective growth, progress, and achievement.

[ii] Be ready and willing to share in each other joys, burdens, and predicaments.

[iii] The bible says you can have both God and money but you cannot serve both. When you serve God He shall cause money to serve you.

[iv] Drop the “me-first” mentality and selfishness. Deliberately choose to be open to your spouse in communication, values, goal setting, and accomplishments as well as in everything else.

[v] Agree on mutual submission, choose to respect each other’s opinion and accept differences. For example: Men and women are different in how they view money and related matters. Generally, men are physical while women are emotional; men are functional while women are more relational.

9.2  Christian marriage- not a partnership

(a) It would be a mistake of God’s intention or biblical position to address marriage as partnership. In partnership, two people interact, with their identity and personality distinct; and they are individually legally responsible. In a Christian marriage, two people [male and female] cleave together and became one.

(b) In partnerships, exit plan are in place right from the start. In marriage two cleave, glue together, and only death do them part. Divorce is man-made and not God’s plan. Moses’s concession to the pressure of the Israelites was because of human selfishness, hardness of heart, and unforgiving nature of man.

(c) In partnerships, profit and loss are shared individually; but marriages share their gain and loss collectively. Married couples should pool their money together and be jointly responsible for their bills and each other’s debts.

7.3 God in a Christian Marriage

      During most panel discussions on Christian marriages, the questions that always pop up are: “Where is God in your marriage?” Is God outside or inside your marriage? If He is outside guess who is inside? If the devourer is inside, are you surprised at the pandemonium brooding inside? If God is inside, is He at a corner or at the center of your relationship? Furthermore, if God is at the center, is He dormant (passive/ grieved) or actively involved in your daily life? Does He run your life and has a final say or do you pretend He runs your life and you hold the steering tight? If Jesus is steering your boat, are you behind in total surrender like a sheep following a shepherd or in total disarray.  If God is in the boat, why are you sore afraid of the storms of life? Are you aware He speaks and the storm becomes still? No storm remains permanent; it shall always be overcome. Is Jesus your compass? Is He the first and last in your daily activities? Do you trust Him for your total protection, safety and provision? Just be patient and remain focused on Christ, the Author and Finisher of our faith.

      God created the universe; He is the Maker of heaven and earth and all that is in it (Psalm 24:1f). He also created mankind in His image and likeness (Gen. 1:26). God designed and instituted marriage for mankind to enjoy (not endure). God said, “It was not good for man to be alone” (Gen.2:18). He went ahead and made another creature out of man and brought her to him, in which He simply termed her as a comforter. God also laid down the simple principle in which marriage is to exist and operate. “For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they shall become one” (Gen. 2:24; Ephesians 5:31). Therefore becoming one is a choice that the couple must make and live by.

      This principle will take obedience and hard work on the part of the couples to keep and follow. Where this principle is adhered to, the foundation of the union is solidly secured on Christ. It also means that couples have better insight into the concept and demands of marriage and are ready to pay the price. It results into good (not perfect) marriage. In such union, Jesus is the Chairman and the Captain and He steers the boat. His word is obeyed whether it makes sense or not; whether it is convenient or not or whether the societal trends oppose it or not. Christ has the final say and His words need no rationalization to be politically or societal correct. Some Christians marry under the oath of the bible but live according to worldly constitution. On the other hand, where this principle or concept is neglected, it results into bad or turbulent marriage.

      It is not God’s intention for any of His children to experience bad marriage. God designed for marriage to be a lifelong, fulfilling companionship. For a couples’ marriage to thrive within His make and purpose, couples must obey God and His word. They must put aside the world distorted and perverse concept of marriage and strictly honor God and respect His boundaries in marriage. God further buttress marriage for couples to enjoy intimacy and fulfilling love life within the parameters of marriage. They should observe daily forgiveness and lay aside weights and behaviors that hinder marital harmony. It would be an illusion to think of any marriage as perfect only when the foundation is secured in Christ; through the ups and downs, you will come to experience and understand the joy of marriage that the Lord had ordained.

      Where God is in your marriage determines your story – success or failure. Being a Church member is good but to achieve success in marriage depends on where you place God in your marriage. God gave couples each spouse as a gift to cherish and love as well as enjoy. God is honored or dishonored on how you appreciate and treat your spouse. To be what God says we are, we must do what He says we must do. Marriage works when couples follow God’s specifics’ and designs for the husband and the wife. Husbands and wives have distinct roles in marriage (Ephesians 5: 21-33) but just before the description of their roles, Apostle Paul issued a code of conduct for couples to submit to one another out of reference for Christ (vs. 21). The word, submit could mean “to rank under” or to put the needs of your spouse before your own.

      Husbands are commanded to be heads to their wives and love their wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave up His life for her. Husbands must love their wives as they love themselves and encourage their wives’ spiritual growth. Writing on Honoring God in your Christian Marriage, Bryan Ayers opined, “We may not ever be called upon to die for our spouse but in living we can put them first. As we learn the needs of our wives we need to be sure that their needs are met and that they are fulfilled in their lives all in the context of what they should be in Christ.” Wives must submit to their husband’s leadership, just as she submits to God. She must seek his will above hers and allow her husband to take responsibility for his family. He should be allowed the discretion to make decisions without dissension (Romans 12:10; 14:13). Couples should help each other become what God has called them to be without undue nagging and criticism, misaligning and destabilizing; should be a complement and not a competitor.

      God has given the husbands (not wives) the oversights of the family. Some heads may not have gotten to where God wants them to be, the turmoil’s and instabilities of the neck will make matter worst. Couples should focus on growing and overcoming and not dwell on minor errors and weaknesses. They should build each other daily and they shall become strong and flourishing as well as enjoying marital harmony. Bear in mind that marriage is not so much of finding the right person as it is in being the right person. Create an intense love for God and His words; see your spouse in the eye of Christ and maintain a genuine interest in your spouse and you will by His grace weather together the storms of life.

GROWING YOUR MARRIAGE

Most couples get busy and overwhelm themselves with tasks such as parenting, chasing riches, and other responsibilities that may lead them to forget the importance that nurturing their relationship has. They grow so far apart from each other that minor things that could have been delights and pleasures actually cause displeasure and disagreements. The two become so drifted apart when they make their kids’ needs and satisfaction their top priority. When this happens, helping with homework, meeting school games schedules, volunteering and community involvement, as well as differences in disciplinary measures, can wedge the marriage apart. Their priority drifts from each other to work, kids, and miscellaneous activities. It’s easy to forget that you take care of your kids for about eighteen to twenty years and thereafter, they are grown and leave home. However, you and your spouse are proposed to cleave to each other for a life time. The discussions and times you are supposed to have together become full of minor tensions with everyone attempting to input his/her own agenda and perspective.  In an article titled “God’s Authority in Oneness,” which was published by Today’s Christian Woman, Jerome Daley notes that “Too often, marriage operates like a tension-filled committee of two in which each committee member is bent on gaining the upper hand. Instead of living in oneness, the couple lives on a battleground of power struggles and authority are the casualty.”

Some marriages are likened to oranges without juice. Even though they are husband and wife, some couples live like cat and mouse. Making a choice of a spouse is one thing, but keeping the relationship afloat is where the challenge lies. Acceptance is easy to achieve, but commitment to make it work is a daily devotion for life; without it, you could drift to a dead end, such that the juice evaporates from the fruit and you live together, but lonely; dried of the energy that connects the two to each other. Every marriage union has also been likened to a farmland that needs clearing, cultivation, weeding and watering while you patiently wait reaping. Another illustration looks at marriage as an old car that needs constant maintenance and attention: oil’s topping/change, tuning, brakes check and washing and detailing, etc. For any union to stay alive and blissful, it takes hard work on the part of both couples to grow it. You grow your relationship, when you:

Create time for each other: In the midst of the busy activity schedules, make time to be together devoid of any distractions – kids, phone, television, computer gadgets, etc. It should be included in your weekly schedule and make it a time worth having so that each of you look forward to it every week. Discuss issues that affect the both of you, which can foster more understanding and appreciation for each other. You can ask questions like: “How do you feel about your job?” and “What can I do to help break a bad habit of lateness at work?” Talk about raising kids, appreciating each other, and how you have been blessed and favored by the companionship, etc. It may not be the right time and place to discuss bills, etc.

Tackle areas of dissension: As you set time apart to be together and chat, you should delve into affairs affecting the smooth running of the union; like disciplining children and granting them attention, for example. One parent may be more lenient while the other believes in firm discipline. Such difference could bring misunderstanding and children are quick to take advantage of it. They seem to like the more lenient who tolerate their idiosyncrasies and may develop a dislike, and perhaps even hatred, towards the strict disciplinarian.  This problem should be handled with care and tact. You could seek the help of a Christian counselor who specializes in parent-child issues. Please note that not all pastors or all who put out sign posts as counselors are experienced in handling family issues.

Practice daily forgiveness: Marriage is a relationship between two good daily forgivers. We offend each other almost every time. We think and behave differently; sometimes we make wrong choices, or act in error. We should be humble enough to accept our shortcomings and show outward feeling of regrets and sorrow. Do not harbor grudges and un-forgiveness; it could develop into a hardcore. Always be willing to ask for and give forgiveness; repent from wrong doing. Remember that if you harbor iniquities in your heart, the Lord will not hear your prayers (Psalm 66:18). Again, if you do not forgive one another God will not forgive you (Matt 6: 14; Mark 11:26). More so, our kids can see how sincere and apologetic we are and would tend to emulate us.

Be Proactive in doing good: Always think: “What can I do to make my spouse more joyful and delightful?” or “What can I do to make my spouse feel like I care and indeed love him/her. Find ways to initiate something pleasant and graceful. Do not postpone any opportunity to do good. Love is an action word, not just a spoken word. It is what we do with what we say that matters. Minimize, and if possible avoid, complaints, nagging and trying to control or take advantage of the other. Tell your spouse of something you admire in her/him. Be your spouse mirror.

Practice mutual respect: Most times, what you put in a relationship equals what you get. Respect is reciprocal and mutual. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Men are respectable only as they respect.” U. Thant’s quote becomes relevant: “Every human being, of whatever origin, of whatever station, deserves respect. We must each respect others as we respect ourselves.” I also share the valuable opinion of Herbert Henry Lehman who said: “I must respect the opinions of others even if I disagree with them.” Couples must practice mutual submission and respect in the fear of God (Eph. 5:21; Phil. 2:3-4).

 Maintain open and honest communication: Some couples talk with each other once in every 12 hours, yet they talk with their friends every time, even while driving. Again, they are dishonest and deceitful to themselves. “Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationship she or he makes with others and what happens to each in the world,” said Virginia Satir. Some have secrets that every other person knows except their spouse. This group of people talks nice to their friends and peers, but harsh and repulsive to their spouse; most times the only point of discussion is their children’s needs. As Cochise advised, “…Speak straight and do not wish to deceive or be deceived.” What happens when the kids are grown and leave home? You find two strange co-tenants living lonely together while nearing a stage of intolerance. Couples should maintain connection with each other. This involves open and honest communication with sincerity of purpose. Infact, couples must communicate purposefully, honestly and responsibly. Talking with your spouse during the day keeps you connected and related till evening.

Sharing Financial Responsibility:  Money is not evil, but the love of it (above your spouse and family) is. Money does whatever it is asked to do – build or scatter. It could be a blessing or a curse. Money is likened to a handgun; in the hand of a police, it’s an instrument of justice while in the hand of an arm robber, it becomes an instrument of destruction and death. Couples should share financial responsibilities. The income of both couples become the wealth of the family and should be applied in meeting family needs and solving related problems. A couple should not be selfish or build a monster just because he/she makes more income than his/her spouse. Oftentimes, money becomes a point of dispute for couples and a core reason for disagreements, incessant quarrels, separation, and ultimately divorce. Let money build your marriage rather than scatter/destroy it.

Chapter 8

Becoming a good Christian Husband

8.1 A Christian Husband

      Let me share with friends and readers, an insight to a pertinent question: who is a Christian husband?  The word husband could mean so many things to so many people.  I shall, however, describe a good husband as a good man who is married to a good woman or simply a married man. A Christian husband is a Christian man joined to a Christian woman in marriage; a male spouse. She becomes his companion and complement; and the two become one. From the genesis of life, it was God’s plan and intent that a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh [Genesis 2:24; Ephesians 5:31]. This is to satisfy the need that it is not good for man to be alone. God dislikes loneliness but cherishes togetherness.

      The word husband has been widely misconstrued, misunderstood, and misapplied, especially, in the new-era society known as the ‘now generation’; where alternative and unholy lifestyles are getting some welcome;  and the institution of fatherhood in under serious attack; and depleting in significance. Notwithstanding, the roles and duties of fathers are critical and essential to the family and society; and wherever they are ignored and neglected, huge negative consequences await. Throughout the scriptures, however, the best description of a husband is found in the book of Isaiah 54. In verse 5, Prophet Isaiah described God as the husband of Israel. He’s God Almighty, the Redeemer, the Holy one of Israel and the God of all earth.

7.2 Challenges facing today’s Christian husbands

      God ordained the sacred institution of marriage, made the rules and the authority for the growth of mankind; and well-being of the society we live in.  The greatest issue in today’s Christian marriage is the challenge to the authority and headship of a man in marriage; funny enough, man did not make himself the head, only God did. So, we now know where to channel our protests and petitions to. No man can head the family successfully without the flexibility of the neck (submission and support of a woman)..       Unfortunately, this issue has crumbled many homes.

        To be an ideal husband does not suggest superhero or tantalizing persona; or one who showers his wife with diamonds, flowers and cozy dinners to cover his deficiencies, irresponsibility, or unexplained home absence. Rather, it takes the total commitment of both Christian husband and Christian wife to each other, as well as to Jesus; selfless and sacrificial love, to build and sustain a home. Both couples must believe that marriage is for life and must have strong desire and patience to make it work. The environment we operate in has changed a great deal; most women are more career-oriented and independent such that the role of supporting and caring for the home is mutually shared. Gone are the days when making money was by physical strength; it’s now by intelligence, knowledge and certification. Some wives bring home more money than their husbands. Some of such women have the tendencies to believe or equate ‘baking more bacon’ to headship.  This misconstrued idea has brought much of the conflicts and ‘cold wars’ that have crippled many marriages.

      In today’s world, being a good husband does not just end in the ability to bring home a monthly [or biweekly] pay checks or providing financial support for the family. As women become more educated and exposed; have the ability and means to support themselves financially. Monetary provisions are no longer the only determinants of a good husband. After all, some women are single parents and heads of households; working hard to provide financial care for their homes.

      Although, being a good husband involves financial support, it also includes the ability to communicate and listen pensively to your wife; performing and sharing in household chores; being affectionate with spouse; and bonding with your children. Obviously, this could be tougher for husbands whose wives make higher income and have embraced some measure of independent lifestyles. This is because, a great number of them are expected to clean, cook, babysit, and tolerate their wife’s complaints and feminism, as well as live in subjection to her whims. Luckily though, we find some exceptions in the women whose priority is to build their homes, be good helpmates to their spouses, and respect the authority or man’s role in marriage.

      A good husband must recognize and support his wife’s creativity, talents, and goals; but not at the expense of his own vision and goals. He must share his strengths and weakness with his wife; that makes him more responsible, affectionate, and sensitive toward his spouse. He must create and spend quality time with his wife; and not allow the stress of the work place to affect his role and responsibility as a good father and husband. He should not be threatened by his wife’s career and achievements; nor allow any competition between them. As a matter of fact, these are all blessings and benefits for marrying her. A wise woman builds her home…the foolish tears hers down [Proverbs 14:1]; A virtuous woman gains her husband’s trust and full confidence….she brings him good not harm, all the days of her life…….[Proverbs 31:11-16].

      He must be cautious enough to ensure that his communications bring security, seasoned comfort, and peace to his spouse. Finally, two cannot succeed until they agree and play together. The biggest task an ideal husband has is to carry his wife along in thought, purpose, and activity. Some women are conscious of this concern; often use it to demean men, especially, those in leadership position in Churches, community, and corporate world.

       Most times, husbands are held accountable for the collapse of marriage relationship; even when it was glaringly masterminded by their spouses. Remember that in biblical days, Adam was held accountable for Eve’s misdeeds while High Priest, Eli and Job were accountable for the behaviors of their children. Today, the sentiments remain the same; the husband is the head and is charged with oversight of the family. It does not matter whether a wife makes more money, has better credentials or higher chains of achievements; she is a wife and a helpmate. When the head fails, the body fails. The task of building and sustaining a home must be done firstly, spiritually; secondly, emotionally; and thirdly, physically. These are the daily challenges husbands face in our emerging world and society.

   

 8.3 Boaz – A man of distinguished personality

      This name sounds like the Hebrew word for “by God’s strength”. That was a name given to the North side bronze column [pillar] in front entrance of the Israel’s temple. It was 27 feet tall and 18 feet in circumference [1 kings 7:15, 21]. Boaz was a pillar of virtue, a mighty man of wealth, and prominent man of distinguished personality; a relative of Naomi’s husband’s [Elimelech] family, who belonged to the clan of Ephrath and lived in Bethlehem of Judah.  Boaz lived at a time Israel had no king; although everyone did whatever that pleased them, Boaz loved and feared the Lord [Judges 21:25]. Little surprised, he was blessed beyond doubts and measures.

      Boaz was involved in agricultural business; he engaged workers who worked for him at various locations.  At the grain harvest seasons, he visited the farms to assess the progress of the work. Boaz personality could be drawn from his behavior as he visited his workers in the field. He greeted his workers first with the greeting of the Lord saying, “The Lord be with you”; and the workers responded, “The Lord be with you” [Ruth 2:4]. The greetings expressed courtesy, mutual understanding, respect and appreciation. It was also a sign of true leadership and good managerial skill; for he who must be a leader must show good examples and wash his servant’s feet. Secondly, he would ask the man in charge [his supervisor] to brief him on the state of the farm. He did not ask the supervisor’s subordinate or a relative working undercover; but rather asked the man in charged. Speaking first to his supervisor to have first-hand information is a sign of good organizational set up; respect and trust on his hired manager. This is the quality of a leader; and not a boss.

      Boaz was an excellent manager of people; led by example; and was not afraid to get his hands dirty. He sighted Ruth, the Moabite among the reapers and asked his supervisor, “Who is that young woman among the reapers? Boaz was single and could have been enticed by Ruth’s beauty and cuteness. The supervisor humbly and courteously answered, “She is a Moabite woman who returned to Bethlehem with Naomi from Moab. She came and begged to glean after the reapers and she was allowed [Ruth 2:5-7].  Gleaning was an act of gathering grains left behind by reapers. It was a Welfare system; a manner of providing means of livelihood to the poor, strangers, and widows. It was a priority in ancient Israel. Preservation of the gleanings of harvest was in obedience to God’s directives [Deuteronomy 24:19-21; Leviticus 19: 9-10].

      Boaz and indeed every relative of Naomi had heard about Ruth, the Moabite woman who had shown amazing love and loyalty to Naomi, and had followed her back to Bethlehem. He was quick to recall and match the image of Ruth with unequal goodness. Boaz then gladly showed her uncommon kindness; and also heaped up for her, some parched grains. She was also invited to join them at meal; ate to her satisfaction and had some left overs. Boaz also protected her from young men who might harass her, and asked that she be properly treated and fed. Ruth enjoyed great favors in the hands of Boaz and his workers. He even gave her some grains to take home, not only for herself, but also for Naomi.

      Boaz was a relative of Naomi’s, through her husband’s family, and was the second in line as the goel of the family. A goel was a close male relative with the duty of looking after a family when the male head of family was absent. In earlier times, the goel of the family was expected to marry the widow of an Israelite man if she wished it [Deuteronomy 25, Ruth 2:20; Leviticus 20:20]. Although Boaz was the second in line to the position of goel in Naomi’s and Ruth family, he had the legal obligations to help Naomi and Ruth.

      Boaz was a jolly good man; after each day’s work, he ate sumptuous meal; and  topped it with some good wine to make glad his heart, and give himself good rest [Psalm 104:15].  As he lay down to sleep, Ruth approached him where he laid on the threshing floor, as Naomi had advised. She uncovered his feet and lay down by him. By lying beside Boaz, Ruth suggested that as the goel of Naomi’s family, he should cover her with his blanket; another way of saying, marry me [Ruth 3:13].

      Ruth was an intelligent, strong, loyal, and level headed woman; and was of course, cute and sexy. Boaz was a bachelor, available, and interested in her; so he ceased the opportunity and agreed to marry her, but was quick to point out his position as a number two person. There was another closer relative who had a first right of claim before him.  He had to discuss it with him. Boaz was a man who had respect for humanity and traditions; was determined to ensure that things were done properly to avoid conflicts of interest. To sort out things amicably, he initiated a closed door discussion and negotiation with the other closer relative; with the elders of the community as witnesses.

      As part of the negotiations, they resolved to recover and restore the land of her late husband, Elimelech (their late brother), which Naomi had sold. Naomi had been compelled to sell the land because she was destitute. It was the duty of the kinsman-redeemer to come to the rescue; and whosoever redeemed it shall acquire the dead man’s widow, Ruth. The number one kinsman’s refused to assume the kinsman-redeemer’s role in the presence of the elders of the community. Boaz, who was the next in line, then assumed the kinsman-redeemer’s role, married Ruth, and also cared for Naomi. That enabled Boaz to officially extend his kindness and generosity to Naomi and Ruth. God blessed the marriage with a son, Obed. Eventually, the Moabite would be the great mother of King David. Then Boaz became a husband, a father, and a caring relative, as well a community leader.

8.4 Qualities of a Good Christian Husband

      Prophet Isaiah’s chapter 54 descriptions portray what a godly husband should look like, aspire to be, or become. The good Christian husband must, among other qualities, be   honest, faithful and loyal to his spouse and family; build trust and confidence around his spouse; display godly character, and train his children in the fear of God. The key qualities of a good Christian husband could be summarized as follow:

A Protector: God designed and created marriage and in His blue print had a coupling of two distinct designs, one male and one female [Genesis 1:27]. A good Christian husband protects and guards his home, spouse, and family from all odds; shields her spouse and family from outside infiltrators and unfriendly friends like a bird protects her young with her wings;, shielding them from chilly and inclement weather. He should not be an uncaring tyrant, wild beast, or an over controlling macho man.

      James Walker in his book titled, Husband who won’t Lead and Wife who won’t Follow, said, “Deep within each man and woman is a common longing: the desire to find comfort, companionship and fulfillment. God installed this longing in us for a purpose: one of the purposes of marriage for a man is to become as truly masculine as he can be. Likewise, a woman’s fulfillment in marriage comes as she become as distinctively feminine as she can be. Each will have a unique role and definable function.” He added, “Throughout recorded history, society has depended on male protection and what men by their strength provide. In the short span of the last hundred years, we have taken away a man’s hunting rifle and put him at a computer, which may have obscured, but not removed him from the role of a protector.”

A Preserver in Faith: A good Christian husband must be God-fearing; holding faith and good conscience; and preferable a born again. He be the head and have spiritual oversight over the family [Ephesians 5:23; 1 Corinthians 11:3]. It is impossible for the husband to head without the neck [wife’s] submission to his authority; less they experience conflicts. He should, however, be a leader not a boss or dictator.

      To the Christian woman, I say to you, ‘do not even at all think of marrying an unbeliever with the hope you will convert him’. While it is not impossible, it may be an uphill task that could turn out a disappointment. Again the scripture warns that we should not be equally yoke with unbeliever [2 Corinthians 6:14-16; 1 Corinthians 2:14]. You may say he was born into a Christian home, that his father is a bishop or the foundation member of a Church denomination, or that his mother is women leader in a Church. He may be a Church-goer and religious; but if he is not saved, it is not good enough; God does not approve it. More so marrying an unbeliever is a disobedience to God’s instruction. Try to resist whatever pressure or every inclination to work against God commandment; whether it is riches, firm, gain or ego; it will end up hindering the achievement of your goals. He must be someone who is established in faith and matured in the Lord. Remember, if the head is deep in faith it shall overflow and affect the whole body.

Must be spiritually and physically matured: The American Heritage College Dictionary describes maturity as a state of having attained full natural growth or development; or of having reached a desired or final condition and completion. It relates to, or is characteristic of full development of physical, mental, and spiritual growth suitable for adults; having reached a maximum development of form that no longer subject to great expansion or development. Marriage is not a boy and girl [amateur] relationship; or for those still sucking mama’s milk [or mamma’s boy]; or those who have no will of their own. A man in marriage must not only be spiritually but must also be physically matured. He must be able to know who he is; exercise his authority as God’s symbol; know his privileges and boundaries [Genesis1:28-30; 2:7-8]; understand the signs of the times; and be able to discern the games of intruder [Genesis 3:1ff]. He must be able to give sense of directions, keep communication open, and answer responsibly on behalf of the wife and children [Genesis 3:8-10].

      A good Christian husband must be able to give his spouse affection and love; understand the game of love; and conduct and rule his household after God. . He must be so matured and understanding as to bear any shock arising from his intimate knowledge of his wife. Some men are overgrown baby boys who still have to confer with their parents before reaching decisions with their wives. The scripture says, For this reason a man [not a boy or baby] shall leave His father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall become one [Genesis 2:24; Matthew 12:47-50].

A Provider: A man should have a viable means of livelihood or job prospects. Tom the best of his ability, a good Christian husband provides for the needs and support systems needed in the home to the best of his ability. This will enable him fulfill his responsibility to the spouse and family. From the genesis of life, God gave man the responsibility of cultivating the earth [Genesis 2:15]; his nature of masculinity drives him to provide for his family’s needs. It gives him great satisfaction and respect to perform the function of a provider. The book, Building a fulfilling marital relationship says, ‘God has confidence in the Christian man, expecting him to provide leadership, care, and love for his wife and the home entirely on behalf of the Lord’. He is to responsibly seek help and salvation and divine covering for her.”

       Although whatever a wife is, has, does, or achieves is to the glory of the husband; she is only a helper to the husband. She should not be made to bear alone the whole family financial responsibility. A man should be able to work and contribute his own quota to the family needs. In fact, women look forward to receiving something, no matter how small, to add to the family upkeep. When a woman has more economic power than the husband, they are often tempted or inclined to assuming leadership of the home.

Compassionate: A preacher once said, “if your husband is not your Moses [the most compassionate man and leader in the scripture], then you will experience problems in your marriage. A compassionate man is one who exhibit love in action. He loves his wife as himself; bear, respect and treat her as his body. A man who must not count wrongs; but dwell with his wife in wisdom, understanding, giving to her and treating her as a weaker vessel…….[1Peter 3:7-9]. Takes away all her fears by showing her compassionate love; even if you get angry, let it be for a short while. God is love [1 John 4:8, 16] and love has no fears [1 John 4:18].  He must be a man who will not bear bitterness in his heart toward his wife; but must treat her tenderly; always forgiving her [Colossians 3:19]. We should not lose sight that we are a forgiven people; saved by grace of God. A compassionate man is one who does thing without grudges, grumbling, complaining, or disputing [Philippians 2:14; Colossians 3:19].

Show Love and respect for family: A man who loves his family will protect his wife and children. He will ensure he works to provide for their needs. Such a man would have great love for the family: wife, children, and be willing to support them [Colossians 3:19; Ephesians 5:25]. He will respect the opinions of the wife and create time to listen to his wife and children. He will respect not only his immediate family, but also the families of in-laws and his extended family. You could force someone to obey another but you cannot force him/her to respect another person. You cannot claim to love someone until you first respect the person. A good Christian husband shows his wife committed-love and mutual respect [Ephesians 5:25, 28; 1 John 3:18]; treats his wife as his body [Genesis 2:23]; and cherishes his wife, keeps her warm and comfortable with tender, loving care.

 Supporter of wife’s dream: Some men hold to the fact that God created a woman out of a man to be his helper and to serve him. Yes, this is half the truth. She was created out of man to become part of him and be a companion and completion. A woman may have a dream and a vision for good of her man and family. Such vision, if supported may turn out to be a blessing to the man and the family. The family could be uplifted by the trade of the woman. A good Christian husband should support his wife to acquire necessary skills that will help achieve her dreams. Women who acquire the right skills are in high demand in work places.

     A good Christian husband, therefore, helps his spouse find fulfillment and satisfaction in life; removes her reproach and shame because he leaves and cleaves to her: establishes her as number one priority. [Ephesians 5:31; Romans 7:2]. The insinuation that men are jittery if their spouses possess higher skills and earn more income is not universal. This becomes problematic if she allows the higher skill or income to get into her head; making her controlling or bossy to her husband.  I have witnessed incidences where men have helped their wives to achieve their dreams; climbed to enviable heights; only to turn around and look down on their husbands. In most cases, these wives behave as if their husbands were no longer part of them or their successes. They easily forget who placed the ladder that took them to the top. Again, supporting each other’s dreams, whether of acquiring higher skills or making more money, should not override the importance of raising a strong family.

Honest and Trustworthy: A woman needs someone whom she can trust. The person must be honest, reliable and sincere. He shall neither lie nor possess doubtful character. He must speak the truth always and hold high sense of morality. In our world, people lie in words, actions, and silences. A good Christian husband must be responsible and accountable for his words and actions. He must be a transparent Christian without deceit and guile; someone whose love for God shall make him to tell the truth at all times and who strives to live in righteousness.

Have an achievable goal: Some men have goals that would be mysterious to attain; whereas others have no goals at all. They are either double-minded or are rolling stones that only gather dust. A man must cultivate a habit of setting goals and having plans to work on. There are short and long term plans.  “People do not generally plan to fail but fail to plan”. A vision brings forth a mission and where there is a vision there is a provision. Do not forget that the glory goes not to the planter or one who waters but to one who gives the increase. With God all things are possible.

Self-Control and discipline: Most people live by feelings and sight. But a man of faith learns how to be obedient and where to draw the line. He must be a man of faith; not given to drunkenness and must restrict himself to moderation.  He must watch and be careful to exercise control over the three “Ws’: women, wine and weed.

      A good Christian husband should be man who can exercise authority over his household and have the practice of tarrying before God on his knees. He must not be greedy for money, not violent, not quarrelsome…… [1 Timothy 3:2-7]. Robert S. McGee in his book, Discipline with love opines that appropriate discipline establishes limits and boundaries that curtail unacceptable behavior [indiscipline]; these limits when internalized form a healthy self-control. A husband should not take revenge and punishment as a way to get respect and submissiveness. Godly discipline is rooted in love-in-action; and produces respect, understanding, and submissiveness.

Compliments: He must be a man who can appreciate his spouse and her effects. He must not only have it in mind but say it out to her. A good Christian man honors and values his spouse [1Peter 3:7]; and treats her as a precious jewel [Proverbs 18:22].

He must learn to express three unique phrases: Thank you [or I appreciate], I am sorry and Excuse me. He should render to his spouse, the affection due to her; and uphold her in good and bad times [1 Corinthians 7:3]. He should be able to nourish and cherish his wife spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

Friend and confidant: Most couples are just husband and wife, but not friends. Their relationship has not graduated into intimacy. They cannot dance the dance of love: sharing, serving, and honoring each other. They should grow to become part and parcel of each other; as well as know themselves. A man who should be driven by love, become a confidant and trusted friend to his spouse.  A good Christian husband should be his spouse’s best friend; does not store or prolong conflicts or hankering anger [Colossians 3:19; Philippians 2:14]; and showing her richness in mercies by daily forgiveness [Ephesians 4:32; Proverbs 10:12].

A Leader and Head: A husband is a head and leader to his wife and the entire household. Leadership in God’s kingdom is not by ruling and ‘lording’ it over others. In God’s kingdom and household, a leader demonstrates exemplary skills. Remember you delegate what you can do and not what you cannot do. Your leadership must be driven by compassion. To love is to obey God’s commandments. God has commanded us to love our wives as Christ loves the Church. Just like in Trinity, God the Father is the head; though they are equal; so do we have in marriage, the husband is the head of the family. The head is the highest point in the body and co-ordinates all part of the body.  He also gives the body right sense of belonging and identity [Ephesians 1:22, 5:23; 1 Corinthians 11:3]. “The head must also appreciate the indispensability of the body because no head can achieve anything without the body. Neither can the body do anything without the head”.

Chapter 9

Marital Relationship Management

      Relationship in marriage rests on intimacy, mutual respect, and willingness to accept spousal differences. In relationship, couples enjoy love, being with each another, and accommodating each other’s differences. They feel show concern, combat, and spew out whatever attempts to come in-between them or spoil their joy. They seek after things that would create, infuse, and provoke more acceptance, joyfulness, and intimacy amongst them; and try not to waste precious time on issues that would never go away. Instead they find ways to celebrate and appreciate their lives together; dwell on the things that unite them. On daily basis, they yield to God in worship; and to each other in commitment. They renew their vows with the determination to sustain the relationship; and surmount challenges to make this difficult journey workable.

      Some married couples do not, however, show respect nor pay attention to whatever happens to their spouse. They cleave together; but are still two persons [flesh]. Although, they are married, their relationship has not grown positively or no longer exists. Relationship is the core to marriage success or failure.

       It is not strange that people take important things common only to cry, ‘had I known’, when they lose them. “We live life forward and learn from it backward”.  We learnt from the story of biblical Adam and Eve of the ills of relationship when taken for granted. Adam and Eve had enjoyed wholesomely; God’s presence, God’s love, and God’s relationship to the extent that they took it for granted.

      Eve consequently took her husband’s authority and love for granted that it no longer deserved its worthy the honor and respect. Eve turned her focus and attention to the serpent and started listening to its lies. What you listen to influences and affects your life and behavior. The more she listened to the serpent the more she believed his deceit and the less of God’s truth she believed in.

      The element of doubt set in, grew deep and held strong roots. It was not long before she decided to try out the serpent’s lies. The result is common knowledge. They both took their focus off from God and placed it on the serpent; took God’s love for granted. God loved them unconditionally and provided all their needs. He was always there with his glorious presence and shared His love with them. In their eyes, He became common, even though he is still God.

      Today some Christians take God’s love and grace for granted. They may not have a healthy relationship with Christ and care little about it. They believe God is always present and loves unconditionally. He paid for their sins through the death of His Son, Christ Jesus on the cross of shame. He is therefore sufficient in mercy and grace. They become religious and still live in sin. The scripture ask: shall we continue in wrong doings so that grace may abound, the answer is not ‘no’ or ‘I think not’ but: God forbid.

      In this odd world of today, we have more religions but less Christianity; plan more but accomplish less; work two jobs but have less healthy family; and have higher knowledge/learning but lower morals. We talk about Church functions and religious activities but do not help one another nor wear the sign post of Christ. We pretend in Church and public outings but our inner character is in a mess. We may have conquered the world space but our inner space is in slavery. We celebrate and commemorate our wedding dates but have lost the relationship. We keep records of wrong doings and have no remembrance of God’s love and mercies. Some are born again but stagnant; such people take their Christianity commonly; leaving non-Christians to believe that Christianity is a weak faith. That is far from being right.

       Most marriage relationships are on trial and taken for granted. Even when the relationship has deceased, they still live under the same roof like cotenants; neither separated nor divorced; attempting to protect their lost prestige; fear of what people would say; for financial coexistence; or perhaps, for the sake of  the children. When you ask them about their relationship, they enumerate the bills they pay, how many jobs they do, and the provision for children. As good as these gestures are,  they amount to nothing when the relationship is dying/ When the relationship has lost it taste, or consciously not cared for and undernourished, whatever follows is artificial and meaningless; at best cheerful deceit.

      Many, who have taken their relationship for granted, have shifted their focus to other things/people. There is no empty space in life; something, somewhere occupies their mind. It could happen unawares and continue to roam their thoughts and rule their lives. The truth remains that nothing replaces one’s spouse, not even the children or other friends and acquaintances.

       What suddenly happened to this amazing couple who had great passion toward each other during their courtship and in early time of marriage? They never slept or parted without emotional kisses; waited for each other at the car parks; and always walked into church auditorium and shopping malls holding hands together. They picked each other to the cinema and beaches; and ate out and fellowshipped together. Why the sudden complaints that the other asks for more attention than the other can give? Why don’t they walk hand in hand, cuddling and smiling as they did in the past? These days they work lonely together; no more smiles and chatting in the car, or strolling down the street. They hardly spend quality time together. I cannot believe they sleep in different rooms and have lost interest in romance. It appears the intimacy is gone and the couples have withdrawn to their little corners.

      John Gottman, Julie Gottman and Joan Declaire writing from ‘10 lessons to transform your marriage’ in Readers Digest of June, 2006, stated two truths about happy marriages: [i] happily married couples behave like good friends. Their relationships are characterized by respect, affection, and empathy; they pay close attention to what happens in each other’s lives.

[ii]Happily married couples handle conflicts in gentle positive ways. They recognize some conflicts are inevitable but they don’t get gridlocked in separate positions. Instead they keep talking, listen respectfully to each other, and finding compromises that work for both of them. For this reason they opined, “Every marriage has perpetual issues; conflicts based on personality that never go away”. How we accommodate these differences [if not over bearing], and tolerate flaws in behaviors determines success or failure in our marriage relationship.

      When relationship is taken for granted, it start to lose its vitality and begins to rot. If left unredeemed and salvaged, it gets beyond repairable condition and becomes stinky; the outsiders, from whom they initially tried to hide the rot would smell it and get attracted to it. The children would observe their parents show no respect to each other in speeches and actions, so they play games with their parents. When this happens, the tendency especially among weak parents is try to buy the children’s love with un-needed gifts. If they cared much for the children, they would have kept the relationship by exercising mutual respect. They forget that they were couples before they had the children; and if the relationship survives, would remain couples after the children are grown and living on their own. Again, a strong relationship breeds healthy family and children.

      Couples in dwindling relationship leave home in the morning and return next day [working two jobs] without talking /calling one another. They may call their friends, acquaintances, and perhaps children; chat with other people and enjoy their jokes and advice; but not their spouses. Sharing feelings and needs together is crucial means of communication that strengthens the relationship. Marriages, therefore, need affective communication to thrive. “Talking to each other during the day keeps you connected and allows you to share your ups and downs.” Marriage therapists have found that couples can live in harmony and peace with perpetual issues as long as they talk about them in open and productive manners.

      Most couples claim they love each other but exhibit behaviors that portray the opposite. You cannot love or submit to one another without first respecting each other. This lapse is the reason most discussions end in conflict and prolonged quarrels, even to the surprise of the couples. They may notice the disconnection; but instead of trying to discuss them, they begin to maintain some distance from each other.

      Alienation has never solved problems for couples; but only worsens them. That cannot keep the conflict away. You would observe the couples behave carelessly or nonchalantly to the other. It simply signifies what can you do? Whatever you want to do, do it quick; I do not care. My focus is somewhere else. That is the summative outcome of lack of mutual respect and love. Such relationships are sick and need some help. Unknown to them, they could be under Satanic attack of Spiritual household wickedness; experiencing seeds of marital failures from ancestral trees of evil inheritance; inherited curses of law upon the families of origins; or suffering from forms of bondage peculiar to people from their family lineage. It could be powers or Spirits, which, out of hatred, jealousy and mere wickedness, have been assigned to destroy their marriage, finance, and prosperity. Couples may also have chosen physical appearances, financial gains, education, and wealthy family background; rather than fear of God and good character.

      On the other hand one of them could be engaged in evil Spiritual marriage. Something is not going right. These Spirits provoke them to hate themselves without knowing the reasons. Everything about one couple, bugs the other. They squabble, bicker, and fight all the time; and are not in the life of the other. They hardly touch each other. That is weird, isn’t it? They may accuse other people/vices of causing their problem, but not knowing the cause is with them. Some of them do not believe in demons and re, therefore, reluctant to seek deliverance. We do not war with the flesh; our weapons of warfare are not carnal, but Spiritual, and destroy enemy’s strongholds. [2 Cor.10:3-4]. This is beyond mere saying. Spiritual victories result from Spiritual warfare.

      No matter what has put you down, hold your confession strong and dare not fear the devil because Jesus is present to raise you up; had through his death on the cross defeated the common foe called Satan. By the testimony of our mouth and by pleading the blood of Jesus, we overcome and conquer Satan [Rev.12:11]. We need not be afraid of Satan and legions of demons because He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world. Again God has made a way of escape in the powerful name of Jesus. The scriptures alert us that Satan and his demons are now awaiting final crush by Jesus the king of glory. No matter what the bondages you are being held, Jesus loosens every chain of the enemies and set you free. He can also redeem your marriage and set you on better footing.

       The Gracia-Prats and Claire Cassidy writing on Good Families don’t just Happen, said, “Good communication requires practice, constant efforts, determined Spirit, understanding, and trust. Sharing your time and your heart with your spouse is what matters in the long run; not dozen of roses or meaningless gifts/dinner” .Many couples are just husbands and wives; but not friends or best friends. Is your spouse your best friend? Little wonder one crazy young man said, ‘marriage kills love.’ That is why minor issues are easily blown up. Being friends and laughing together are integral parts of the marriage relationship. Some couples are so tensed up against each other that there’s no room for minor jokes. Many spend better time at work and just come home when they shall not meet the other. Asked when last they ate together, showered, prayed, or even watched television together; their answers may surprise you. They will be quick to take out work and financial stress on their spouses.

      Some in the midst of all this ‘silence war’ behave as if they do not care, it does not matter; and living as if that alternative is sure and better. The truth is when a person shifts his/her focus from his/her spouse onto other things or person he/she feels some sense of infatuation and near security; but it is all fake and unsure. Again, you may have been praying for God to heal your marriage and none of you works toward making it happen; then there is no vessel for God to use. You can deceive yourself and the world around you for a time but not always; God knows the truth.

      Sometime it is better for the couples to exercise time-out awhile; to see whether they still need each other. This would also be the appropriate interval to seek help; if they need one. You may spend time in prayers and fasting; but your mountain of unforgiving disposition will be standing tall against your answers. You could spend time and resources trying to fix an irreparable dead junk in vain. It is better to allow the sleeping dog lie. If you take your relationship for granted do not be surprised when it collapses. Nobody will help you fix it. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. In most divorce/ separation incidences, the remote cause is always taking your relationship for granted. The second is behaving as if one does not care anymore or it does not matter; when, in actual sense, it still means a lot to you. Pastor T.J. Jakes, in one of his classic sermons said, if he/she wants to walk away, let him/her do it for nothing just happens. Charles Kingsley said, “There are two freedoms, the false, where one is free to do what he/she likes; and the true where he/she is free to do what he/she ought.”

      Keith A blow, writing on Good marriage, Bad patch, in, Good Housekeeping, July 2006, said, ’Turmoil in a marriage can be the start of new phase….rather than the beginning of the end. Nearly every married couple runs into a bad patch sooner or later. The life of a relationship unfolds as they live lives as individuals….’ Every good marriage is built on true love. Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians describes the great qualities of this true love. “………love is patient, love is kind…..is not self-seeking…keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth…..” [1 Cor.13:4-7]. For this reason Rabbi Julius Gordon admonished, ‘Love is not blind, it sees more, not less; but because it sees more, it is willing to see less.’

      We should quit enduring our marriages and start enjoying them. If an automobile develops a fault, it is commendable to take it to the manufacturers/dealers. They would usually trace and fix the faults. God is the sole designer/creator of marriage and can fix all the problems. Take your marriage to God and leave it there. It may surprise you that what the road-side mechanic has been trying to fix by trial and error, the manufacturers would trace and fix without much ado.

       In our era, some manufacturers have recalled equipment; cars, computers, and toys because they dictated some faults in them. In marriage God does not make mistakes; He’s perfect in all his ways and his creation. Even in the first marriage between Adam and Eve, the fault was not God’s. The couple chose the devil’s deceit to God’s instruction.  Even then, God still visited them, covered their nakedness, and redeemed them, giving them new lease of life. He sent his only begotten son as their Savor and Redeemer in whom we have eternal life.

      God has not changed. He is able to redeem our marriages and give us new phase, more enjoyable, and more meaningful than all our years of trying to fix it ourselves. The God, who turned water into wine in Cana, can turn your relationship for better. Psalm of David says, ‘He allowed us to pass through water and fire and now he brings us to a better place.’[Psalm 66:12]. This could be your testimony.

Chapter 10

God Hates Divorce!

      True love has a price tag; we must not feel any reluctance paying it. We come to marriage not to find a perfect person, but to learn to see an imperfect person perfectly. Marriage may appear a daunting task even as we experience unbelievable pressure, but we were created for relationship and made for intimacy; so we have to make it work. Sometimes, however, the reverse happens.

       We are living in an age and time that witnesses rampant divorces. The sky rocketing rate of divorce in our society today has become a nightmarish concern. People are quick to marry and divorce for various reasons, some flimsy; others deep rooted issues. Some court for several years; stay married for few months; and then divorce within a twinkle of an eye. These are havocs we witness daily in our society, watch on TV programs, and experiences in our relationship and those of our close ones. Divorce has become a way out of marriage deadlocks; while its associated problems are begging for our attention.

      Divorce could mean separation, deformation or severance of a relationship. When people divorce, they part ways, and become alienated from one another. They no longer share common bonds or mutual affection. Divorce is neither God-made, nor did the laws of God create or establish it. God detests divorce and never takes it lightly. As a matter of fact, and as prophet Malachi, God spoke explicitly on the matter. The Lord God of Israel says, “I hate divorce” [Malachi 2:16].

      Divorce had it first entrance into the affairs of men in the Garden of Eden. Here Satan in a serpent body deceived our first earthly parents into disobeying God’s commandment. By so doing, he created a barrier between mankind and his Creator; and that was sin. But God, who had foreknown that mankind would fail, had a redemption plan in place. God fulfilled this plan by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. On the cross of shame, he defeated Satan; crossed out death, sin and sadness; repossessed what the enemy had stolen; broke the barrier created; and reconciled man to his Creator.

      Divorce was a common practice of the Egyptians. The children of Israel imbibed that lifestyle from their host and put out their wives at will. They persuaded Moses to grant them permission to divorce their wives. Moses seeing the hardness of their hearts conceded to them; a near impossible permission, whereby only the highest court presided by Moses could issue such permit. The implication was that it could take several years before the highest court could hear, deliberate, and decide on such cases; by which time the couples may have settled their difference or passed on.

      Although the injunction of Moses did not encourage divorce; the children of Israel understood it differently. However the books of Ezra 9-10 and Nehemiah 13:23-27 urged the “men of the land” to put away their foreign wives and marry from among the Canaanites and Egyptians as means of national cleansing and reverting to their covenant with God. Some Jews have continued in this practice even in these days of Jesus. It was to further buttress their stance and also tempt Jesus that they confronted him about his stance on divorce. But Jesus answered, “Don’t you know in the beginning, God made man and woman? That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife and they become like one person. They are no longer two people but one. He added that what God had joined together, let no man separate”.

      This response of Jesus supported the preservation of marriage. They were annoyed, and then asked him: why then did Moses grant us permission to divorce our wives? Jesus again replied: it was because of the hardness of your heart (Matt. 19:8). It implies that although God hates divorce, He may permit it by means of concession only because of unforgiving nature of man (or hardness of human heart). The Law of Moses established guidelines to reduce the rampant abuse of marriage through divorce. The Israelites divorced their Jewish wives to take pagan wives or/and remarried in order to collect dowries.

      There are three types of divorce: Spiritual, Emotional, and physical. Spiritual divorce occurs when the man (Spirit/image of God) in us is not linked to God [who is Spirit]. When the Spirit in us is so grieved that He becomes silent or inactive, and does not control the body, all we do is fleshy. Emotional divorce precedes the physical divorce. Couples may be together, but emotionally separated; their feelings and passion may have been so hurt that they are distanced from one another. They do no longer care for each other; and live lonely together. Physical divorce occurs where couples are physically separated; granted either by court of law or unanimously agreed upon. These are few biblical grounds where divorce is permissible: (a) adultery [Matthew 5: 32; 19:9] or (b) desertion of a Christian by an unbelieving spouse [1Corinthians 7:12-16]. Another contemporary reason that could warrant divorce is persistent physical and emotional abuse. However, no matter the grounds of divorce: immorality, desertion, or abuse; none is an unforgivable sin.

      Rather, divorce is an acknowledgement that sin wreaks havoc in God’s design. Believe it or not, most times, divorce may not be the answer to troubled relationship. Couples should give their relationship a priority and do not allow anything, I mean anything, to come in between it. Marriage is like an old classic car, which, from the first day, that needs a lot of time and attention. It is always getting older and in need of constant tune-ups. If parked unattended and outdoor; and exposed to weather; it becomes rusty, decadent, and devalued. However, if properly maintained: kept in good repair, regular tune-ups, polishing; regular attention: checking oil, water, and gas levels; and tire pressure levels and alignments; it increases in value and longevity. You cannot ignore it and expect it to run smoothly.

      Like a wine beverage, however, the older it gets, the better it becomes. Moreover, If you try to separate what has been glued or cleaved, it tears apart. Therefore, strive to preserve the institution because the consequences of divorce could be more than we can imagine. However, sometimes divorce like sin, is inevitable. It could therefore be conceded in cases where there are continuous abuses and lack of respect for each other. God hates sin as He does hate divorce; but in spite of our short comings and failings, He loves mankind.

Chapter 11

Money and Matrimonial Harmony

11.1 Money and Christian Relationship:

      Literally, money is a legal tender for exchange of goods and services. It is any stamped piece of metal or any paper notes, authorized by a government as a means of exchange and store of value. These days, no pressure on couples and family exceeds the ‘money pressure’. Money is intoxicating and capable of enslaving people. It will work you till you die. As Christians, it possesses the power to rule our lives, not for good;  but rather to lure us like a moth, too close to the flame until finally our wings are set ablaze. Money could promote pride, greed and selfishness.

      Money is not just a temptation for a moment of pleasure; but is also a temptation for us to be conquered by an inert, mindless master; one incapable of saving us from sin or satisfying the deep hunger of our soul for true peace, meaning, and purpose. Money is, however, morally neutral; just like a handgun. Put a pistol in the hand of a policeman and it is a tool of justice but in the hand of a criminal, it is an instrument of evil’.

       Money is simply a commodity, an inert means to other ends; but what we do with money brings problems. We need money to meet our family needs; money is a real need whether one is rich or poor. Everybody needs money and we never get enough. More money brings more responsibilities [Ecclesiastics .5:11].

      Money represents power in a relationship because money is wealth and God gave us power to get wealth [Deuteronomy 8:18]. Money answers everything [Eccl. 10:19]. Money is a defense [Proverbs. 7:12]. The power money brings can be a wonderful asset in marriage if used wisely; or causes abuse and conflicts if handled foolishly. So money does whatever we put it in use to do.

      Marriage is a relationship between two persons [male and female-not same sex] from two different families with different financial experiences. Each family has its own history of money matters; how incomes come in, are spent, and saved, if at all; who pays the bills, runs bank account[s], and how monetary decisions are reached. Mary Hunt writing on Debt-proof your marriage said, ‘the way your parents handled money during your childhood may have a lot to do with the way you think about money today’.’

       People’s beliefs about money are learnt in their families of origin; as they grow up, this affects their concepts and approach to money matters. Money management at home is not a core school subject; so it is learned by observation or emulation. If you came from a loving home where money was handled behind closed doors, you may not have known or seen who paid the bills or brought more money home. Surprisingly, you may never have heard any complaint; yet your mother cooked great meals, kept clean and spotless house; and had great respect for your father.

        It could even be that our mothers did not work, or only worked for convenience, or even own a home-based business; but with our father’s meager income, they were happy couples and raised wonderful family. Today, you and your wife work two jobs each; earn higher income, yet you cannot make ends meet; quarrelling over money and bills settlement than any other matters. Most times the way couples deal with money may differ from the way their families of birth did. This could be because as we grew up and got married, we never really thought about how money matters would be sorted out in our marriages. Issues of money, if not handled wisely and discretely could create some teething problems for the family.

11.2 Money and matrimonial harmony:

      The bible says, ‘the love of money is the root of all evil’ [1 Timothy.6: 10]. It does not say money is evil but the love of money above God; and in fact above human beings, including your spouse is evil.   Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income [Eccl.5: 10]. When Jesus is your master, money serves you but if money is your master, you become its slave.

      Money answers everything. It is what you choose to do with money that makes it good or bad. Wealth is no sin but failing to use it for Gods glory is. We can tell what they are by what they do [Matt. 7:16]. We are called to look out for one another’s interest, not just our own [Phil 2:4]. Selfishness toward our spouse is a sin that blocks our fellowship with God, and keeps our prayers from being answered [1 Peter 3:7; Proverbs 28:9]. Jesus sums up the problem of money, ‘no one can serve two masters’. You cannot serve both God and money [Matt.6: 24], just as you cannot serve your spouse and money. God uses money to test our faithfulness as a servant. How we manage our money affects how much God can bless our lives. If we have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth who will trust us with true riches? [Luke 16: 11].

       As Pastor T D Jakes said, ‘in marriage two persons cleave together and become a unit, a couple in flesh, Spirit and soul; working together, surviving together and striving together’. These two persons took their vows in the name of God, and before great crowd of witnesses (angels in heaven and men on earth) to be together (in joy and in sorrow) till death separates them. God command wives to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord and husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. The opposite of submit is resist while the opposite of love is hate.

      Patrick Morley writing on, Man on the mirror, opined, ‘most women in our contemporary society take exceptions to the concept of submission. The goal of this instruction is not to reduce women to servants or doormats but to provide an authority structure in marriage’. Many couples eat together, sleep together, have children together but are divided in money matters because of the love of money above each other and above God. The result is that they live lonely together like roommates than couples. Their social and sexual needs are met, but intimacy as friends are never developed. It is impossible to yield (submit/love) to one another unless you respect him/her. You could be forced to obey someone, but not to respect him/her. It is a disobedience to God commandment to disrespect each other [Eph. 5:21; Col.3: 18, 19]. If there is mutual submission to God, how can an intangible thing like money or who earns lead to quarrels, disagreements, fights or even separate couples? Does it matter who earns more? Why should that affect decision-making or spending? If Adam was sufficient been alone, God could not have made Eve. If one spouse brings home more bacon than the other, should the financial imbalance present potential source of conflict between spouses? They create situations where their children can even tell who makes more, pays the bills and provides for their needs. What a shame?

      In my opinion, the money earned by either the husband and/or wife is for the family. Every family should use it judiciously to meet its needs because it is a blessing from God. Every family has a head. As the man is the head of the family, the woman is the neck without which the head would not turn. When money becomes a priority, one person begins to neglect the other; creating conflicts and emotional separation.

      When your spouse is not your main focus, you begin to neglect your duties to him/her. When Eve took her eyes off her head, Adam; and began to listen more to the serpent, she believed the deceiver than God. She had, therefore, taken her marriage for granted. The outcome was the lust, which produced the sin that led to Spiritual death.

      Again, the book of Proverbs 31 expounds upon the qualities of a virtuous woman. She is hard to find, worth more than jewels. Her husband puts his confidence in her and she never disappoints him; she does good and never harm. She works hard to bring food home; and get up early to prepare food for the family. She is a brilliant, strong, and industrious; always busy looking for the family needs. Her children appreciate her; husband praises her, saying, ‘many women are good wives but you are the best’. This woman is exceptional, respectful; and submits to her husband just as she submits unto the Lord. She put on the apron of humility to serve her husband and household [1 Peter 5: 5].

The scripture teaches us three [3] perspectives of money and prosperity that can be categorized as follows:

[i] Poverty Theology: Those who believe in this perspective are disgusted with worldliness. They are non-materialistic and believe material possessions are a curse; rejecting materialism in any and every form [Luke 18:18-22].

[ii] Prosperity Theology: These disciples believe that prosperity is the reward for the righteous. They live outward lifestyles; believing that you do not have because you have not asked. They attribute the lack of material possessions to lack of faith. They teach that tithing brings reciprocal material blessings. Wealth to them is a right from God. You have to give to receive [2 Corinthians 9: 6-8].

[iii] Stewardship Theology: Stewards believe God owns and control everything. Possessions are privileges and not rights. They concede that possession is a trust given in varying proportions. It comes from the faithful administration of talents given by God in His sole discretion.

      While prosperity gospel holds no water because it claims you must give to receive in disregards of your motives; whether you are living in sin or have obtained the wealth in obscure manner. Poverty theology is equally full of holes. People in it think they must be poor to be humble. This appears to be a mistaken perspective. Being a steward is more of an attitude, as well as the means of looking at life as a caretaker. It considers our own interest and that of others; and upholds a better balance of God’s word. A preacher once opined that when you host a dinner party; the preparations, cleaning, and service are as important as enjoying your friends’ company and meal. It includes both work and reward. The blessings of the Lord bring wealth, and he adds no sorrow or trouble to it [Proverbs 10: 22].

      As Christians, whether husbands or wives, we are stewards of God’s gifts. Whatever you do in the family, you are a servant, administering God’s gifts; and God is the Master and Judge. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus [Philippians 2: 5]. A wife is a gift from God and in His eyes and design, the man and woman are one [Genesis 2: 24]. Our children depend on us for their needs, in the same way we look up to our Heavenly Father for ours. Every healthy family flows from a joyful couple; and are blessings to the Church, for they shall together become good stewards in the house of God. They shall become lights, not only to their children and the Church family but also to the world. They shall be faithful servants of the Lord both in their homes and communities. If you weigh your services, how would God receive you? Well done my faithful servant; or sorry, I do not know you?

     It does seem to me that marriages will have a higher probability of success and harmony; if prior to the marriage, money, as religion, extended family, and parenting thoroughly discussed. This is very important because men and women view and handle money differently. Men tend to take more risk and may not save for emergencies; whereas women consider money from security perspective, especially, to accommodate their fear for rainy day. Again, opposite poles tend to attract; one of the couples could be good in keeping figures whereas the other would be free-spirited over money. This could affect the way they view or spend money.

      Money is either the best or the worst area of communication in marriage. Marriage counselors advise that couples should work out their money issues early in marriage because monetary disagreement is the number one cause of separation and divorce. Couples should discuss all finances, work the budget together, and settle expenses. When they agree, whoever pays the bills is irrelevant.

      Rick Warren, in, The purpose driven life, said, ‘most people fail to realize that money is both a test and a trust from God. You cannot hate your spouse and claim to love the Lord. It does not matter how often you lift up your hands in praise’. God loved and gave His all [John 3:16]. God tests our marriage vows; how we treat our spouses, respect their feelings and opinions, accommodate their differences, and treat their silences.

 I, therefore, recommend as follows:

i. Couples should understand their natural tendencies and appreciate their differences. They should be open to each other in all things; discussing the issue of money and how best to handle it.

ii. Couples should be honest with each other about specific desires and priorities. Together you should define and develop your peculiar lifestyle, which, may be different from those of your parents, friends and relatives. The approach that worked for your parents may not work for your marriage.

iii. If you could do it, joint account is the best. If not, share responsibilities according to your income and leave some balance for personal expenses like gas, lunch at work, and other personal items. Married couples should pool their moneys together, rather than have separate accounts. All incomes belong jointly to both couples and should be used for the family.

iv. Learn how to manage money wisely. It gives you both a sense of control and security that is imperative to building a solid future as couple.

v. Disagreements are inevitable when it comes to financial commitments to each other, but the ability to discuss your differences openly and settle them fairly. Money is intertwined with trust in a relationship; so the more you can talk about money the better the relationship.

      It is pertinent that most people go to work to enable them provide for the family; but some loose the balance between tasks and relationships. Unfortunately the society we live in places financial achievements, as measure of success, higher than people and relationship. Little wonder most people succeed at work and fail at home; and no amount of success at work can compensate for failure at home. It does not really matter how much each couple makes or bring home, the whole money belongs to the family; and should be spent jointly judiciously and diligently to meet that need. For this to be achieved, a healthy communication pattern around monetary issues should be an ongoing process. This builds security in your relationship; and harness closeness and healthy relationship at home.

      Patrick Morley writing on ‘man on the mirror’ suggested that, ‘most men may not be unhappy with their marriage, but they don’t really enjoy their wives’. They have wives, but not best friends. In their relationship, there exist fears, anxieties, and insecurities. Couples should submit to each other, delegate functions as they share responsibilities; and express opinion on all matters, especially, monetary matters.  If you do not trust your spouse on money matters, you cannot trust him/her on anything. Let money build your home; and not wreck it.

Chapter 12

The Spirits and Philosophies of Healthy Marriages

12.1   The Psychology of Good Marital Relationship

            In our age and time, most marriage relationship are legally together; but  are emotionally and mentally divorced. The couples may be admired for staying together through the years; when in reality their relationship has waned. They put on smiling faces in churches and at public outings; all in cheerful deceit. The romance flame has dimmed, while sex is epileptic at best; if not completely abandoned.

      Most women use sex as a tool to seek affection or control, while the male counterparts lack romantic disposition..  According to Gary Smalley in Love is a decision, ‘women are relationship oriented. Women have a built-in relationship manual…. A wife is a gold mine of relational skills’. Debra White Smith in ‘Romancing your husband’ said, ‘women have a thermometer that constantly measures the status of their marital relationship. If their relationship is going well, then romance and sex will be excellent. If the relationship is ill then the romance dwindles and sex is infrequent or totally withdrawn’. A lady once said ‘I could give excuses of having headache, pains, and weakness or not in the mood’. Most men pay little or no attention to the feelings of their women; nor an understanding of their ever unfolding nature and world.  A young man opined, ‘I too give excuses of work, weakness, and illness’. Funny world we live in! God gives; devil steals and kills; and human hoards.

            Willard F. Harley Jr in ‘His needs, her needs,’ argued that while a woman’s first need in marriage is affection, a man’s first need is sexual fulfillment. Another school of thought, Gary and Barbara Rosbery opined that both husband and wife’s first need is for unconditional love; and their second needs are sexual for men, and emotional intimacy and communication for women. Most women would tell you that their husbands are less romantic, whereas the men would wish their wives were more sexual. Dr Ross Campbell teaches that a woman has a difficult time initiating love for her husband when she feels the husband is not supportive in areas of family life, emotional, and otherwise.

      The same is true of the husband’s family responsibility. He wants to know that the wife is ready and willing to help. A woman feels cheated to assume the responsibilities her husband has simply ignored it. That could make her feel insecure and uncomfortable in responding to his love. A husband feels willing to go extra miles, work over time for a wife he feels, loves and respects him; and presents him well to the children as a spring rock of authority and head. A wife can be wonderful at accepting love initiated by her husband, amplifying it manifold, and reflecting it to her children.

      Most women expect their men to take the responsibility of initiating love. In response, they return to them, priceless love, rewards, and appreciation. These priorities must be set right. Of interest is the fact that wives are more competent in the area of love and care; and identifying emotional needs in men and children. Men desperately depend on their wives’ help in leading them to this relative foreign world of feelings. The woman must, however, be careful to exclude bad language and nagging because these often deflate man’s inspiration to take responsibility. The men should, however, be sensitive to the wife’s needs as well as those of the children. I am yet to see a man who loves his wife and hates the children.

      Debra Smith observed that it is very easy for a woman, who feels emotionally cheated by her husband to stop meeting his sexual needs. After the woman stops meeting her husband’s needs, the man in turn, declines to meet his wives emotional needs for romance. The cycle continues in a downward trend until the marital relationship is nonexistent. This could result into living like co-tenants; leading to eventual divorce. Debra condemns this odd behavior and encourages couples to follow the golden rule; ‘Do unto others what you wish them do unto you in everything’. Give and it will be given unto you…forgive and you would be forgiven [Matthew 7:12; Luke 6:37-38].

      Simply avoiding doing evil to others does not mean that a person is doing well. In the same view, a woman or man may not do evil to each other; but are passively ignoring or depriving his or her needs. When couples scorn their spouses in their needs for each other, they are living against the golden rule; ridiculing each other in the need God placed within each other. As Debra opines, ‘When your husband makes erotic suggestions toward sex, by touches or words,  he is treating you the way he wants to be treated. By this behavior he entreats his wife his needs…… If romance is what a woman needs, she should pour romantic synergies into her marriage’. She should not wait to say it is my husband’s duty to romance me. By so doing, she stops yearning to be romanced and step up to lay hold on what belongs to her. She could set the motion by sending him a text message, or taping a love note on his car’s steering, or making a candle-lit dinner just for him; and no complaining or murmuring. Even if your husband is not initially romantic; after a little while, the strong wave of your love shall sweep him in. On the same note, men can make their wives look forward to making love. Men could provoke that by calling to appreciate past deeds, and stopping by the malls to buy little items that indicate concern for her and the children. The woman would feel appreciated and loved.

      Apostle Paul, urging the Corinthians, {1 Corinthians 7:3-5} indicated that ’the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband’. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone; but also her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone; but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other, except by mutual consent. Meeting the marital needs of our spouses is obedience to Gods commands; and is a choice we must make daily. It is a priority and should not be neither compromised nor denied; by this way we build intimate relationships and good marriages that endure.

    12.2   The Helpmate Spirit

      As I move around my evangelical duties, I am often been confronted by young men and women who look forward to being initiated into the marriage institution.  Their concern is that most people desire marriage, but some are scared of the galloping problems that the institution suffers in this age and time. Some have observed marriage conflicts and tussles amongst their relations and think that marriage is not worth the troubles.

      However, others who have witnessed cordial relationship among their elderly relatives cannot wait to join the group. Those who are married have become the mirrors with which the young ones see and look upon to learn and emulate the joys and goodness of the institution. This is just as it is with Christianity, where the believers are the gospel and letters through which the world reads and learns the tenets of our faith and calling. Marriage is designed and created by God; and it is perfect. Marriage is a wonderful institution and an association of two imperfect people, trusting God for its perfection.

      The institution is God-oriented and it is based on His agape love. One very salient fact about marriage is that it may not be for everybody.  Those who desire and aspire to it must abide by the principles that the designer laid down for its successful accomplishment. Some people are fascinated about the institution; but do not want to go by the rules and boundaries set forth.  They behave like those who want to drive on our roads; but ignore the road signs and traffic rules; those who buy products from the store but do not care to read and follow the user instructions, safety precautions, and warnings. Yet marriage has universal obligations and commitments that those who enter into it must abide in.. These principles and rules are found in the manufacturer’s manual [The Bible]. Since marriage is not for everybody, it becomes necessary to know what to look forward to in this union.

      I shall attempt in this piece to answer the question most young men ask: what does a man look for in a woman and how does he know whether or not, she will be a good wife? What behavior and attitude should we look for? The scripture says, ‘He who finds a wife [not a woman] finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord’ [Proverbs 18:22]. But a prudent wife comes from the Lord [Proverbs 19:14b].  When God said, itis not good for a man to stay alone; I will make him a helpmate suitable for him, He meant there was a vacuum and it needed a companion [not a partner] and helper [not a co-head or competitor] to fill it. He did not look for another man; He made a woman.

      This question is a difficult nut to crack. I romanced my thought and concluded that only God can answer this question rightly. I also know that God had already revealed His ways and thoughts in the scriptures: the written word of God. I, therefore, prayerfully search for direct and implied answers. As I perused the book of the Beginning [Genesis], I found that God is the Creator of the universe and all that dwells in it [Genesis1:1; Psalms 24; 1ff].  He created man in His image and likeness; created them male and female [Genesis 1:27]. God observed that every other creation except man was created in twos. And God said it was not good for man to be alone. The Trine God decided to create a woman, as a helpmate and a wife. So a wife is to be a man’s [husband] completion and not a competitor. The story went ahead to say that God caused Adam into a deep sleep;  He made supernatural surgery on him and let out a bone from his side [not his head or feet] and made it into a woman whom Adam named Eve, the mother of all earth.

      One significant fact drawn from God’s wisdom in creating a life companion (helpmate) for Adam is that both Adam and Eve were in one body before marriage and became a unit, a couple after marriages. The qualities God considered in creating a helpmate were not clearly listed in the book of creation; it is, however, best known to God and still remains a mystery to mankind. Notwithstanding, we could deduce from the passages of the book that: She was to be:

                               (i) A companion [Genesis 1:27],

                              (ii) A helpmate [Genesis 2:18, 23] and

                             (iii) Eve, a mother of all living [Genesis 3:20]

      In our society today, a lot of young females misconstrue the true meaning of helpmate as described in the scriptures. A Companion was to be a completion [not a competitor or smothered woman]. A Helpmate/Helper [Heb’ezer] is another you specially designed and made to meet your needs. The scriptures call God, our Helper; God is the Helper of His people, Israel. [Psalms 118:7; Hebrews 13:6]; Jesus was indeed the helper of the disciples [Mark 1:31] and He prayed to the Father to send another Divine Helper as He departed and returned to the Father [John14:16]. The Holy Spirit was by the disciples to help, comfort, and counsel as well as strengthen them [Matthews 14:18, 26, 30-31]. He also interceded in prayers for them [Romans 8; 26]. It is in this sense that a wife is to be a helper of a husband. It never belittles, diminishes, or makes the woman inferior to man. “……for the Lord hath created a new thing in the earth. A woman shall compass [surround and protect] a man” [Jeremiah 31:22]. Eve, [Heb chavah], the mother of all chai, living. She became the mother of all physically alive. By faith in God’s promise of [Genesis 3:15]; she became the mother of all that are spiritually alive. A helpmate serves respectfully; without respect you can neither love nor serve.

      When Abraham and Sarah gave birth to Isaac, they knew an heir to the throne was born; he became a child of promise. Abraham had the responsibility and duty to scout out for a bride for the heir apparent. It was a great task especially for Abraham’s head servant [Eliezer], whom he sent on that errand. What would be the qualities to look for when choosing such a woman who will have to wear into the shoes of Sarah? In our era and times, where some beautiful looking women turn out to become ‘knives’ instead of ‘wives’; they become Jezebel [Ahab’s wife] and Delilah [Samson’s wife].

      Abraham’s servant was wise enough to ask for God’s wisdom and enquire for the sign to confirm His choice. Since God was invited into the scouting process, He led the way and made all things work out well. God responded: …the damsel who would voluntarily offer him and his camels a drink of water would be a good choice. It means Eliezer shall be looking for a young female [not another male] who was willing to be passionate and go the extra mile; possessing a servant’s attitude and helpmate spirit.

      In our selfish world where many people live “a me-first” lifestyle, assignment given to Eliezer was a difficult one to carry out. The errand was not looking for a facial or body attraction, or academic qualification, or a rich parental background. He was not looking for a nurse, medical doctor, a Pharmacist, or laboratory technologist; he looking for a wife. He was not looking for a macho or toughly built and robust female, who would be strong enough to dig for the gold nonstop; but rather, was looking someone with inward strength, humble spirit, serving and passionate heart; who could win by stooping low. Many women, who are stars at Fun world and other professions, can be successful in careers, but not turn out good as wives; even those who have tried several times have failed. It will be politically incorrect to mention submission, because that word has been deleted or expunged from the relationship manual for the advanced world.

     The word, submission, was tolerated when we lived in a world of male dominance. In today’s world, women have equal rights and equal opportunities with their male counterpart; and are, in most cases, preferred in work places; and some believe they are better off at home without men. Indeed most women, some liberals and feminists, have surpassed men in academics, in sports, in politics, and in professional practices, as well as in co-habitation rather than marriage. Even when they get married,, they end up kicking-out the men; raising the children as single mothers. This is a development that has become a commonplace in our age and time.

      Rebecca must have been drawing some water from that well year after year, and must have shown great kindness to some home people and passers-by; perhaps with only ‘thank you’ or ‘God bless you’, as consolations. Those who take ‘God bless you’ as a mere greeting and for granted should learn from this. The scriptures warn us not to be tired of doing good; for at God’s own time and in His mercies, you will be rewarded.  It may not be the person you showed kindness to, but rather, some strange person would reward you.

      You could liken it to the story of the Good Samaritan. It was this passerby and stranger who saw a dying soul [not a wasted person] and had compassion on him. When your kindness reaches the throne of mercies, God shall send an uncommon favor your way. It may be different or delayed, but trust God; your kindness shall be rewarded. Rebecca kept doing good until, this bright day, she went out to do what she knew best to do. As she saw Eliezer with camels, she ran to the well and fetched water for him and the camels [Genesis 24:20]. This one act of generosity, and great kindness, coupled with her humility in service, earned her ticket to the inheritance of Abraham’s blessings and riches.

      When young people scout out for brides, some do not know exactly what they want; while others have no clues as to which direction they should go, or what to look for. Some depend on the winds of fashion, physical attraction, and of course, sexual satisfaction. This could provide an answer to why a younger female would be preferred or chosen among her mates. You may have a lady with good credentials and wonderful disposition, but she would not be marriageable. She can boast of dating great stars, but none is ready to offer her a hand in marriage. It is one thing to be lucky to get into a relationship, but another to uphold and maintain the relationship. You may package yourself just like a resume to get a man/ woman, just as a job; but to excel, you must know the import of that job, as well as meet the goals and aspirations of the organization that has engaged you.  You may know the job; but when you have bad attitudes or behavioral problems, it could result to disharmony in the work place; and of course, you could be fired or forced to quit. When you engage a wrong staff, no matter how much training you expose the person to, there is always a problem. So also, is with a spouse.

      Leaders always look for people with ‘can-do’ spirits; humble people who serve willingly; and people who are ready to go extra mile. They also look for people who have the bigger picture of the goals, and yet do not miss the details. In the same way, a man wants for wife, a woman with inward strength, and who will, not only willingly support her man, but is also ready to go the extra mile to see that they both succeed. A wife who, not only appreciates the bigger picture of what marriage is about, but is also willing to persevere and make it work. Her attitude has no pretensions, but is rather true and straight. Her love is transparent and noticeable everywhere she is; but must, however, start from inside out; exhibited in a most friendly manner.

      On that fateful day, one act of kindness changed Rebecca’s whole life for good. The God of heaven decided to remember her. She was at the right place, at the right time, and did the right thing. You may not have realized it, your attitude and behavior determines your future. In this congested market, people devise ways to eliminate the fake, the pretenders, or the never-do- well; picking the gems and lads.

      Prophet John Chinedu, teaching during a 21 day fasting and prayer meeting at Hour of Liberation Ministries in Houston, Texas once said, “If your wife is not your Mary Magdalene, you will surely have problems”. Jesus delivered Mary Magdalene of seven demons and after that, she glued herself to Him; before, during, and after His death. Prophet Chinedu also added, “If your husband is not your Moses, the most compassionate leader in Israel and in the scriptures; then you will have headaches. Wives need husbands who are ready and willing to die for them, just like Christ died for the Church; but there is a price to pay……

      Rebecca was God’s favorite; she was a wonderful woman and great wife; respectful to her husband, and raised her children in the fear of God.  As a human being, however, she was not perfect. She favored one child over the other; and this caused untold disagreements and conflicts between the two brothers. Those who work hard will prosper [Proverbs 13:4]. This brings to mind, the washing of feet that Jesus performed on His disciples [John13:5ff]. Jesus humbled Himself, took the position of a servant, and served His followers dutifully.

      Washing of feet was a mean job for people of low cadre people. In some cultures, slaves performed this function. But Christ did it to demonstrate the quality of leadership His disciples must possess. Jesus was the only leader who served and died for His subjects. In our world, the slaves and commoners serve the king; go to war to defend and die for the king and His kingdom. But Jesus went to the cross to pay the price of our sin that mankind could not pay. He became the Lamb of God that took away the sins of the world. Brethren, a serving and helpful spirit is what we need in our lives, in marriages, in our professions, and communities as well as our nations. As I indicated earlier, leaders look out for those who have a serving spirit and are willing to go the extra mile. A helpmate spirit is the wife’s spirit; and the selfish spirit is the knife’s spirit.

      Writing on ‘make effort to show kindness’, in The world for you today, Pastors Kerry and Faith Wood narrated this story: “Before William McKinley became President of the United States, he was riding to his congressional office one morning on a tram. A sick woman got on board but was unable to find a seat; she clutched to an overhead strap next to one of McKinley’s political colleagues. Pathetically, this colleague hid behind his newspaper to avoid offering her his seat. Immediately, McKinley rose, gave his seat to her, and took her place in the aisle. Years later when he was President, this colleague was recommended for the position of ambassador but McKinley turned it down. He said, ‘If his kindness is of the quality he showed that morning on the tram, I fear what he might do representing us in a foreign land’.  The disappointed congressman never did learn why McKinley preferred someone else for the job”. Couples should serve each other selflessly and diligently. It will be out of place for ‘a me-first’ person to go into marriage; it is a sharing institution where two people are determined and committed to serving each other, as well as sharing life together.

12.3    A Compassionate Spirit

      As a follow up to my various presentations on different aspects of marriage life and reactions from responsive readers to my columns in different newspapers, I have been severally asked: How do you know a good spouse, as well as choose one? What behavior and attitude would you look out for?  Are there signs to look for? And what background checks should we carry out? These questions and others have continuously bothered young people who desire to have blissful marriage life, but are engulfed in a near fatherless society, where divorce rates are souring high and the consequences begging for urgent attention. I do not claim to have all the answers, but by studies, experience, and knowledge, I could proffer some insights.

      In the first part of my response titled, “Helpmate Spirit”, I tried to shed some light on some of the qualities a man should look for in any woman he intends to date and marry. In this presentation, I shall in the same vein, attempt to consider what a woman looks for in a man that could make a good date and husband? What character traits should she look for? The word, “Compassionate” could be an adjective or transitive verb. Literally, it could be described as: ‘having a temper, disposition to pity, to sympathize with, be merciful, and to commiserate. There never was any heart, truly great and generous, that was not also tender and compassionate.

      This brings to mind, the story of the Israelites and Moses, their God-chosen leader.  Despite the fact that Moses was God’s choice and a compassionate leader, the Israelites criticized him and his God; they were stubborn, very unyielding, and disobedient. At different phases in the wilderness experiences, they behave uncompromisingly and were unruly to Moses. After witnessing all the uncommon miracles that God performed in the hand of Moses: from the confrontations with  Pharaoh to let the children of Israel go; to the miracles of dividing the Red seas; yet they turned against Moses, and of course, his God; rather chose, made, and worshipped Baal [Exodus 32:9-14ff, 32].  God’s wrath was upon them and He described them as “stiff-necked people” [versus 9]. He had intended to destroy all of them. God then asked Moses to give way, so that He would consume them and make him a great nation [versus 10]. But Moses, consumed with compassion humbly pleaded with God on their behalf and said, ‘if you will not forgive them, I pray you blot my name in your book which you have written; [versus 31-32]. Moses did not mind that these people had verbally abused him, insulted him, and became disobedient; but he still cared for and loved them anyway. Their stubbornness and unruly behaviors provoked Moses to anger that caused God to make him only see but did not enter the Promise Land. Yet Moses loved them and pleaded their cause. He was described as the most compassionate leader in the scripture. Before God, he stood in for the people he loved; and pleaded that he was nothing without them. God had to restrain Himself and His wrath because of the pleas of Moses. Even today, God has not changed. When God finds one who is obedient and reverences Him with a compassionate spirit for His people, He listens and honors the person. This story brings with it, many attributes that could be applied when looking for good man and husband.

12.4 Putting the Pieces Together

      Marriage is an honorable thing. The Creator designed and instituted it with a manual to work through its success. Any diversions from the laid down principles attract associated consequences. Most times we easily blame our failings on God and other people; but not ourselves. It does not matter how we perceive it, the creator and designer said, ‘it is not good for man to stay alone. I shall make him a helpmate suitable for him’ [Genesis 2:18]. Before then, God had created man in his image and likeness; male and female He created them [Genesis 1:27]. The word man symbolizes a spiritual being; could be male or female. These two creatures were one and naked before each other without shame. They had left mother and father and cleaved together to establish a new unit, a couple bonded or glued together, such that only death was supposed to separate them. These days divorce and legal separation do put couples apart. Other than God, their relationship was the ultimate commitment. What changed the value of ‘till death do part’?

      In the western world, and especially due to the rights and freedoms that exist, some people just simply run into one another, choose to hibernate or cohabitate, and forgo marriage. Initially, it was between a man and a woman; but it has unbelievably escalated to man and man; woman and woman; and probably, in future, between human beings and their pets.

      Years back, co-habitation was an open secret; but today, it is an acceptable norm and common knowledge.  They do not care what the repercussions of their behaviors are. The government, in an attempt to arrest the problem, compounded it by creating common law marriage and gave women support to have children without husbands. Today, the problem has grown beyond mere imagination. In the name of liberty, most adults have multiply sex partners that it now takes a DNA testing to determine the biological fathers of their children. Moreover, a great number of teenagers below the age of eighteen get pregnant and make babies out of marriage. Just like their parents, some are not sure who the fathers of their kids are. Others so act out of control that they end up spending time in the penitentiaries. Some of them still believe they are happy single; independent, and in control of their lives.

      Despite the high rates of divorce, and the negative images portrayed in the movies and televisions, human beings are social beings that crave intimacy; and have a culture that prefers marriage relationship. Marriage, both in cultural sense and in Christian prospective, implies relationship between a man and a woman; committed to a lifelong marital union. Caught up in adolescent and youthful bliss, many young people plug the fruit before cementing the stem. They appear to confuse sex with love. Some get pregnant and give birth to one or two kids with their first-time lovers; and are neither married nor have any intentions to do so.  These young people fail to see things in ideal or realistic fashion. They fail to envisage the changes and challenges of their new relationships, as well as the consequences of having sex outside marriage; and the security of life as age ticks it away. They fail to realize that sex is more spiritual than physical; when one person yields into another it is a bond beyond words.

      Others simply jump into marriage without having any anticipation of the associated stress arising from conflicts, crises and daily hassles it could create. They want the gains; but reject the pains and struggles. They believe they can make mistakes and learn from them. As easy as that saying goes, it is more difficult to learn from one’s mistakes than simply following the manual instructions and adhering to the wisdom of parents as well as learning from their past experiences. Some mistakes are costly; could ruin one’s life or land one behind the bars. It could destroy one’s self-image beyond repairs. Mistakes could, however, serve as promotional tools. These do not make us less human; but only show we are growing.  

       Funny enough, many have still learnt nothing from their mistakes. The truth is revealed that many  of those who made mistakes in their early ages still feel the need for life’s partners in their middle life [ages between 30 and 45]. They have come to realize that been married is still the best option and the secured way in life; even when some hate the idea of having one man or woman as a partner all through their lives. Others simply need someone to satisfy their innate orgies and help raise their children, especially, if their biological partners are incapacitated, incarcerated or unknown.

      Pastor T.D. Jakes opined that the ideal way is that couples should enter into marriage pure and undefiled. Marriage should begin in marital beds where two persons come together naked in body and soul, in pursuit of purity and newness. But today, we enter our marriage beds with burdens; and are weighed down with our sore past. These sour past and burdens include broken vows, comparing past relationship and experiences; failures we find difficult to let go; and as well as the endemic sexually-transmitted diseases, spreading and killing young people at their productive ages.

      Many couples today; are not waving blood stained bed sheets after wedding nights; the honey had already been taken out of the moon. Why do we still put on veils’ when virginity is no longer a virtue; and go on honeymoon when there is no more honey in the moon? Individual experiences may differ; but life is very much like a puzzle. I mean a riddle wrapped inside a puzzle and we, like pieces have fallen on the floor. Some are stepped upon; some lost or scattered; some carelessly kicked under the couch; but amid these oddly shaped fragments, there are two that fit into each other. They fit, not because they are perfect, but they cleave together to complete and complement each other. They become the fitting of two souls, who have come together, believing God to heal their past and enhance their future. The good news is, like clay in porter’s hand, we are marred and damaged; but the Holy Spirit put together the pieces.

      When we come to our senses, there is an inward desire to return to the ideal or reality and make peace with our Father. One wonderful characteristic of our Creator is that He has always kept an open door for his runaway children. Even when we exclude him in our scheme of things, He had included us on the cross of shame, resurrected for us and is ever willing to accept us back any time. All we need is the quest to return. The God who cares for the birds of the air, grasses in the fields, and different creatures in the depth and surface of the earth; has more provision and passion for mankind. When we turn to God, confess our failings, and put our faith in his son, Jesus Christ; we are saved and become new creatures. Our past ceases to matter. God in his mercy restores us and gives us the Holy Spirit, the Enabler, the Advocate; to bind the wounds and put the pieces together. God opens new a phase in our lives; and that shall be full of his mercies and favor. He takes our mistakes and replaces them with his grace and righteous. He has risen; so that we may also rise above our past and live new in the future.

12.5   Forgiveness-A Hallmark of Wellness

      Forgiveness is a crucial topic in Christian life. We define ‘forgiveness’ as ceasing to feel resentment; as pardon and excuse; refusal to hold onto the past; to cancel debts, to release grievances, prejudices, recrimination, and blame as well as to reconcile. Wellness enjoys reawakening in its importance in this age and time; every emerging day, it becomes more meaningfully diverse; such that many care-givers and healthcare professionals have dabbled into offering services in this area. Most times wellness relates to eating well, looking well, living well, and engaging in regular physical exercises or fitness. The media, realizing that people increasingly desire to look good and feel well; help to publicize its sentiments, as well as promote the venture.

      Our world appears to have consigned the provision of healthcare [or better put illness care] to medical professionals, who, by their training, care for our illnesses and prevention of illnesses. Beyond these, we expect them to play God and fix every health problem. These aspirations are not usually completely met because they are simply human and not God. When these realities occur, we pursue lawsuits and other forms of remedies because of our dependence on their care, as well as the huge sum of money expended on these services, especially if these clients have health insurance coverage.

      Regrettably, we accept medical treatments as the only visible option or only way of dealing with illnesses. Many have bluntly refused to give other alternatives a chance, even when our medical services involve high technological process, are expensive, and sometimes fail us; we are with it, not minding the risks and inadequacy. In effect, we have granted our healthcare practitioners the express permission to be responsible for our lives, as well as the right to determine what our minds and bodies need. Before the existence of the healthcare industry as we know it today, God’s healing power leaves no side effects.

      John W. Travis and Regina Sara Ryan, joint authors of Wellness workbook opined that, ‘As a society, we have given up our personal power in many ways: to the teachers in our schools, we give the responsibility to telling us what we need to learn, when and how to learn it; to professional mechanics, the decisions about the upkeep of our automobiles; to our professional politicians, the right to use our money and direct the military power of our country. Also in Spiritual things, we have trusted our pastors, ‘the holy ones’, to tell us what God demands. It is wise and expedient to depend on other people for our needs, and to entrust trained professionals with the handling of the issues they have expertise in. The bad news, for example, is that our teachers at schools teach our children idolatry, the plurality and equality of all gods; that public expression of their faith is insensitive; and sex education or lack of it, whereas teen pregnancies and incidence of venereal diseases increase and persist with general lack of reverence for their bodies.

      We should examine the Pastors we trust our spiritual lives to; some are mere professionals, their qualifications are dependent on College theological degrees; some are homosexuals while others are traditionalist. Some have neither heart for God nor for the experiential knowledge with Christ; and are, therefore, afraid of the power of the Holy Spirit. Surprisingly Jesus was filled with the Holy Spirit and only with His indwelling, inspiring, and infusing power can we do the work of Christ. This brings to mind a Sunday bible class joke. The class was reflecting on faith in God and the teacher asked, ‘should an incident occurs that is life threatening, God or 911 who should we call first? 95 % subscribed to 911. They argued God is believed to be present always and already aware of the problem. They needed medical services for immediate care. The truth is that the Spiritual determines the physical; and God is not only omnipresent, but also omnipotent and omniscience.

       Most medical professionals profess that, “We care but God heals”. Even though some healthcare providers do not believe in biblical God, they offer services on God’s created beings. The earth and heavens and all that exist therein testify to the existence of God Almighty, the Creator of the universe, and the Lord of all the earth. The scriptures reveal this great God to us through the power of the Holy Spirit in things we do and fail to do; things we see but do not understand. In our interaction with Him and with one another [fellow human beings], we exhibit our flaws of imperfection; either by mere omission or by commission. Some are in the areas of our weaknesses; we burden ourselves with guilt, blames, shame, and feeling of unworthiness. These flaws keep bothering us, leaving feelings of inadequacies and regrets. Yet these feelings solve no problems, but rather, they create worries, depression, anxieties, and hopelessness.

      The truth is that, ‘we sin because we are sinners’. The scriptures reveal that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. The good news is that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. We are not saved by our works or services or feeling guilty or shame. We are saved by His grace through faith. It implies that we are forgiven, redeemed by God, and the blood of Jesus sanctifies us. God had fore-planned ways of escape through the life, death, and the resurrection of His beloved Son.  It is, however, disheartening that, most times, we ask God for forgiveness; but refuse to accept His pardon or forgive others. We keep recalling, blaming, and mourning over our sins again, and again, after God has forgiven and erased them. Funny enough, whereas we recall them, God remembers them no more.

      The bible teaches that all powers belong to God. When we accept Jesus as Lord and Savior, He grants us His power to live an enduring and fruitful life. Little wonder Jesus said, ‘I came that you may have life and have it abundantly’. Apostle Paul testifies, “God has not given us the Spirit of fear and intimidation but of love, courage, and sound mind.” The Spirit of sound mind gives us the power to make right judgment, right decision, obey God’s commandment, and hold unto what is right and proper, even when others feel otherwise. His Spirit grants us the power of forgiveness and reconciliation; love, peace, and mutual submission. It is the power of His Spirit that does what human beings thinks is impossible; as well as what medical sciences have failed to achieve. God’s Spirit gives us power to abide continuously in Him and reveals the mind of God, as well as the mystery of God. His power heals without side effects.

      Forgiveness includes the willingness to look below the surface of behaviors or feelings. Forgiveness may take some processes; some grief, some letting go; and the acceptance of the loving grace of God in us. We should be willing to accept things the way they are. God paid for our debts, the price of our sinfulness; no more collection agents calling, mailing, and threatening to summon us to court.

      Our past has become part of our history and will not change. No one is rich enough to pay for his/her past. Therefore, let go; put them behind you and press forward toward the future. Forgiveness is neither a feeling nor suggestions that our memories are erased; it is a deliberate decision to obey God’s instructions. To forgive ‘oneself’ or others often promotes relaxation in the body, as well as a peace of mind. This harmony is the essence of healing and the heart of wellness. We may not immediately feel any difference after forgiving ourselves or somebody else; but gradually, we begin to regain our peace, the assurance of God’s grace and mercies in Christ and the fulfillment of His promise. Forgiveness brings along freedom; that is why Jesus said on the cross, ‘It’s finished’.

      If God could pay a bigger price with the life of His Son, Jesus the Christ, I wonder what difference our grieves, sorrows, and shame would make. In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus taught, ‘forgive us our debt as we forgive others’. He simply implies forgive, so as to be forgiven. If we need peace of mind, forgiveness should weigh largely in our hearts. It evidences the love of our body, our emotions, our intelligence, and Spiritual being. As all things in the universe are connected, so also is the body. As forgiveness releases pains in one area of the body, it brings relief and healing to the whole body. We must learn to accept the uniqueness [weakness and strength] of each other, understand our differences and forgive our failings or shortcomings.

      The Psalmist wrote, ‘if God should mark iniquities, Oh Lord, who can stand? But there is forgiveness with God that He may be feared’ [Psalm 130:3-4]. In Isaiah 44:22, God revealed, ‘I have swept away your offences like cloud, your sins like morning mist. Return to me for I have redeemed you’. Apostle Paul affirmed, in Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding[Ephesians 1:7-8]. More so if we harbor unforgiving spirits in our hearts the Lord neither will nor hears our prayers [Psalm 66:12]. Unforgiving tendencies may be a failure to acknowledge the beauty and strength of who we really are. It breeds anger and hatred; spore up agitation and ill feelings, recall past incidences and may seek revenge. It also raises blood pressure in our systems as well as obstruct prayers; causes disagreements, quarrels, fights, and even murder.

      The spirit of not forgiving is the greatest weapon the devil uses to destroy relationship: be it marriage, friendship, association, or fellowship. Unforgiving disposition is the brain behind accumulation of unresolved issues. The result is not only devastating, but leaves us in doubt and wonder. Yet good relationship [including marriage] is a union of two good forgivers. Whenever a believer refuses to forgive or is in strife with someone, it hinders answer to prayers, nurse’s aches and pains from the past; which bogs down into grudges, despair, hurts, and depression

      Forgiveness is a Spiritual exercise. It brings blessings, purification, and cleansing; releases burden and attracts God’s mercies and peace of mind; an assurance that a forgiver is forgiven. In turn, God forgives our sins, heals our diseases, and redeems our lives from destruction; crown us with loving kindness and tender mercies as well as avail us His grace.  Like Paul, we should put our past failures behind us and replace thoughts of yesterday’s failings with scriptural promises of the future. God’s mercies are renewed every morning. As we hold God at His word, we can wake up every morning to a brand new world and live life totally unblocked by the past.

      Pastors Kenneth and Gloria Copeland writing on From Faith to Faith [Daily devotion and guide] said, ‘God wants you well. He wants you healthy and strong in every single area of your life; want you spiritually strong in faith, strong in the word, strong in redemption and strong in the love of God…………..your body to be well and free from the bondage of pain, sickness and care; free from worries and woes of earthly life’. Our Heavenly Father wants us well; to live in victory and healing so that we shall experience not only new life but also teach others God’s way, which is forgiveness, the hallmark of wellness.