Good marriage breads good family.
Pope John Paul II once said, “As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live”. As many couples take vows of marriage, they desire to have good marriage, wonderful and responsible families, where love, mutual respect, commitment and unspoken sense of security exist. Some enter into marriage relationship with great optimism and expectations, but sooner had the honeymoon period ended the couples began to feel sense of disappointment, dischantment and incompatibility. What must have gone wrong? Why sudden feelings of indifferences? Is it natural or could it be a failure on their part or an experience in the journey of togetherness. Some of the couples had baggages from their family upbringing ragging from the relationship between their parents, how issues were resolved, decision-making, response to incidences and of course the challenges of mutual respect and communication. These baggage’s could run couples into conflict and crisis that if not properly handled may end the union. So they should be prepared to make adjustments, choices and compromise on issues.
However good marriages just don’t happen. There are deliberately cultivated and nurtured over times. These take hard work and commitment on the part of couples. A good family starts with good parent. Couples should first decide what they want, how to get it done, who does what, how issues are resolved and how to handle finances etc. One great decision is to leave behind what their various parents and families were doing and evolve a new culture and way of life. Most importantly they need to inculcate new sets of values, better communication skills and give God a place in their union. They must be committed and willingly serve each other, respecting their opinions as well as accepting their differences. These could be obtained through observing faithful mentors and other good parents. They should willingly visit experienced Christian counselors, if need be.
Before couples get married they should attend marriage counseling, where experienced counselor would examine their backgrounds and goals to determine the probability of good marriage. This happens early in courtship. Recent statistics reveal that very few couples make this choice. Most Africans neither consider this option due to ignorance or negligence nor court sincerely.
Many African married couples got into the union without thinking about the demands of marriage relationship. Some married because their age mates were also marrying or were persuaded by parents so as to have grandchildren timely. Again marriage was a symbol of coming of age and becoming responsible.
Some chose neither their spouse nor had the privilege of courtship. As they traveled home from America, their parents, relations, or mentors had already hand picked some ladies thereby limiting their choices. Worst still these folks have little or no time to play with. The only option that prevailed would be to quickly get marriage and return to America within the limited time allowed by employers and of course to work and pay bills already due.
Whether they respect each other or are compatible are no factors. Sometimes most arranged marriages work where the couples were trained in marriage values and trust God to make it work. They may not know what was needed to nurture and nourish the union, but they believe in each other and determined to share life together. More so both couples are representing their families in the union, to maintain the covenant that existed from the days of their great grand parents, keep the family reputation and raise children that will together uphold their culture and tradition. They believed in the sanctity of marriage and were willing to pay the price of togetherness. They had to make it not only work but gradually galvanized into healthy marital relationship.
How would you expect a strong family that share great values when the marriage is torn apart or exist in conflict and crises? We are quick to blame it on the now generation and their behavior, when indeed they learned from us the parents. The children speak trash because their parents speak trash. The children are insulting and abusive because their parents raise voices at each other. They fight at school and public places because they watch their parents resolve issues by fighting. When a man get married, it’s to have a helper who would share life’s aspirations and family values with him; together they raise a family and inculcate great values in them. But regrettably what is obtained these days is to have a competitor who does not believe in collective growth and success but on individual achievement and pride. This negates the purpose of marriage. How can good children be raised under that atmosphere except by God’s intervention?
Most children have never seen their parents spend quality time together. They never experienced time together except one that ends in quarrel or fight or raining abuses on each other. Are you surprise that we are raising a generation that never experienced peace, love and patience? All they know is to war against each other. The saying for every successful man there is a woman and vice versa rarely applies. Where are the supports we owe one another? What we see are couples that brand their spouses failures while they boast their individual achievements. For you that call your spouse stupid, you are married to a stupid person. Also those that brand their spouses failures, no matter how loud they blow their trumpets of successes are also failures. Marriage is a relationship for collective success and achievements. No amount of individual success can compensate for the lost of collective achievement.
When couples say marriage vows they are committed to each other. That commitment and covenant entails working willingly with each other, solving their problems together, making necessary changes if necessary to strengthen their marriage and making each other better individual and the couple a better whole.
Catharine M. and Joseph A. Garcia- Prats writing on ‘Good families don’t just happen’ opined “you can’t build a marriage by fulfilling most of your needs outside the relationship. Time together allows the relationship to develop and mature.” The vow is for better and for worst. Sharing your feelings and frustrations with outsiders may not solve the problems, even though it could for a moment ease internal stress -the malady causing the death of most African men.
Good communication with one’s spouse and sharing feelings help to strengthen relationship and build good marriage. Talking to each other keeps couples connected and enable them share their daily experiences. Unfortunately most couples build barriers against each other. They chat with other people on cell phones and by e-mail but have nothing to talk with their spouses. It could be because of already stained relationship or some entered into marriage relationship with poor skills learnt from their families and peer groups. Unfortunately the language that was accepted by your parents and peer groups may not work with your spouse. If our marriage must work we need to determine to change that pattern and develop new ideals. The way couples communicate with each other is the same way they communicate with their children. That is observed in children when they respond to their parents, teachers and relate with peers as well as other people. You cannot run down your spouse before your children or in the public and expect respect from them. When you oppose or openly criticize one another before your children that leaves the children with the impression that you have no respect or regards for each other; they no wise would have respect for both of you. Respect happens to be the core of good communication. Any good marriage must maintain high level of respect and close communication to thrive.
Erich Fromm writing on ‘The Art of Loving’ states, “to love somebody is not just a strong feeling, it’s a decision, it’s a judgment, it’s a promise.” In effect, to love someone is a continuous decision and ongoing choices. This love needs to be reaffirmed each time; it’s a learned behavior. Even though this attitude may not be popular in African culture but it’s a value that we ought to learned and practice just like we’ve learnt to wed after traditional marriages. It’s necessary to mention that reaffirmation of love is not meant to be initiated by one sex. Most couples that desire to hear I love you do not initiate it; they wait for the other partner to say it all the time. That makes no sense. Some only reaffirm their love during anniversary celebrations. That’s for showmanship. The me-first philosophy does not give room for good relationship. The willingness to shift grounds, adapt and adopt changes enable couples to grow from one experience to another. They learned in each experience a little more about each other and realize how compromise and working together strengthens and enriches love and marriage relationship. It’s therefore important to strive to maintain good marriage since it breed good family and healthy nation.
Happy marriage is rooted in sacrificial love. The Garcia-Prats also said “Love therefore is the ingredient of good relationship and brings forth happy home where children are raised in love and they develop habits of walking in love of God.” This love fosters good life, harmonious home and enduring relationship. Happy families do not always connotes marrying someone who is compatibles with you. You could be different people ideologically but are prepared to subject to one another, learned to work out things little by little, adapt to one another and also learned to value your differences. I’ve often over heard people arrogantly say, ‘you can’t change the way I behave because that’s the way I was created; you may not like it, that’s your fault.’ These folks believe everyone should accommodate their behaviors and see things from their own perspectives. Specifically I learnt a wife say to the husband, ‘ if you don’t like what I do, quit and stop complaining, after all I did not force you to marry me.” These outbursts do not give room for adjustment. It portrays a complete ignorance of the demands of marriage and good family life.
The scripture admonishes couples to submit [or subject meaning adoption] to each other. It further instructs wives to subject to their husband as unto the Lord; husband to love their wives as Christ love the Church [Ephesians 5: 21ff]. Subjection becomes a command and religious obligation. How can a wife ever claim to be subject to God she does not see when she has turned her husband to a doormat; disrespect him whom she had vowed herself to love and cherish for life. Again no husband can claim to love God whom he has not seen when he hates his wife – the love of his life. The scripture does not teach that marriage is cheap and easy. Indeed love involves a lot of sacrifice to work. It’s beyond infatuation, courtship and honeymoon. It’s a life long commitment and involves ongoing choices, adjustment, concession and adoption.
In November 2005 edition of Men’s Health Magazine, the University of Michigan Researchers submits, “Women tend to automatically associate sex with submission. Amy Kiefer, Ph.D opines the more that women reports adopting a submission sexual role, the less they could express their opinions and desires during sexual activities.” In biblical times it was the submission to her head [the husband] and the Lord Jesus whom she worshipped that lead Sarah to call Abraham, ‘my Lord.’ Our generation rejects submission but propagates Eros – sexy love. When submission exists in marriage, the children learn from what they see and put it into practice. This good relationship breeds good families. However when people go into marriage with selfish mindsets, they hold to their individual ways inside a corporate setting. Even though they are married and stay under the same roof, they’re simply living lonely together. The mindset of selfish people is stupid; they are never happy because they live in conflicts. A house divided against it shall collapse. Some were built on sand without a solid foundation and it’s a matter of time before they give way. Two cannot move together except they agree. That’s why many married people live like co-tenants. The scary thing is that their children may end up living like them and the hurricanes keep coming. Little surprised that Apostle Paul wrote, ‘love does not insist on its own right or its own way. It’s not self seeking.’
What’s baffling is that many Christians claim to love the lord but neither attempt to keep his commandment nor love their neighbors. They may not complain about their marriages but are grieved with their spouses and grudge against the family. We sing God of love but learnt nothing of the unselfish nature of God’s love and grace. It’s this unselfish nature that took Jesus to the cross to die for those who hated and rejected him. Unselfish couples give in to one another and look for ways to live happily together. Even though our spouses are human and imperfect, but God commands us to subject to one another. The submission Apostle Paul called for is in reference to Christ. When we come to Christ we learn to love and yield to each other in reference to Christ. The word submission has been expunged from the bibles of many hurting couples even though it still stirs at them and alive. Submission is not a sign of weakness, as many perceive but a sign of maturity and mutual respect. It gives opportunity for discussion, expression of opinion and learning from one another. Let us do away with self-pride that was once crucified on the cross and seek for things that holds the marriage together; these result in good marriage and family.
Good families don’t just happen; they are worked out. They evolve in subduing, overcoming many challenges and having better understanding of the dance of togetherness; make right choices towards it. You have to pay the price, let go the past and humbly lay down prides while pursuing the goal. An African adage says, “What you will pay to stop an elephant from entering the farm is far less than the cost of what the elephant shall destroy when it enters the farm.”
Elder Ogbonnaya can be reached by email:gkapin53@yahoo.com