COUPLES FELLOWSHIP: Topic: Ingredient of love in marriage [Memory verse: the greatest of these is love .1 Corinthians 13:13]
This discussion comes at a time when true love is scarce, divorce rate alarming and single parenthood is a commonplace. It is a time when the institution of marriage is under enormous attack. The strains and pressure is too great for marital bliss to survive; resulting in many marriages living in fake relationships.
Just as many truly born again Christians live in utter misery because they have only mechanical communion with God, so are many marriages. Marriage implies togetherness. Many couples live together quarreling their way between anniversaries held together by children and mutual insecurities or what people will say.
Such marriages exist in defeat, living lonely together and presenting false unity to the world. As they attend wedding ceremonies, they quarrel in the car, to and from the ceremony and pretend when they step into the church. Most Christian marriages are sometimes life long prisons of unhappiness that keep marital love locked behind Christian hypocrisy.
This picture is not the will of God concerning marriages. Something great is missing…….true love!
WHAT IS LOVE?
LOVE literally signifies great fondness, feeling aroused by person or thing that gives one delight, strong attachment with sexual feeling; the object of affection, delight, amusing and admiration.
Archibald MacLeish says, “Love is …… a free gift…. And it is in itself most free, when it is offered in spite of suffering, of injustice and of death.
The scripture says in 1 John 4:8 that “God is love” but love is not God (just like the tree is wood but wood is not tree). Love is not an attribute of God but His substance and being. Love is the fruit of our Spirit man. We are nourished in it. God created us the way an Engineer design an engine, to run on a certain type of fuel/gas. The only gas designed to drive our spirit is God’s infallible affection – love. Gods constant redeeming love is our source of security and therefore of our happiness and joy.
DIFFERENT TYPES OF LOVE
Interestingly, different types of love are identified in the bible.
· Warm, personal affection for someone, the kind of love that exists between close friends (John 11:3)
· Love that grows between family members (Romans 12:10)
· Romantic love one can have for a member of the opposite sex (Proverbs 5:15-20). Eros which is human/ egocentric love; in Greek means “passion or Romance.” Socrates defines Eros as desire which is searching for wholeness and happiness – it seeks to possess the object of its desire, to be united with it and hold unto it forever. It seeks to fulfill its own hunger. Eros is not a horrible evil and should not be neglected in a love relationship. It does have a rightful place in Christian life and relationship. Passionate love between a man and his wife is certainly wonderful, holy and enriching. Songs of Solomon extols the wonders and joy of passionate sexual love.
· AGAPE – compassionate love based on intimate friendship, expresses a love that seeks to give. Agape is a classical Greek word which proclaims two fold nature of love: receiving and giving.
1. In respecting people and accepting them as they are with affection.
2. Of showing this affection by outward and practical signs of love
The above St Paul’s description of Agape love is drawn from Gods love to us (John3:16). Real love, in contrast to popular notions is an expression of the deepest appreciation and affection (acceptance) for another human being; it is an intense awareness of his or her needs and longings: past present and future. It is unselfish, giving, caring sacrificial and unconditional (Ephesians 5:2; I John 4:19; John 13:35 and I John 4:8) Gods love does not require anything on our part to exist for God loved us while we were yet sinners (Romans 5:8).
Lovers can be friends but friends may not have to be lovers. Companionate: Compassionate love includes passion. It is emotional. It could be expressed in words whereas romantic or passionate love may use communication to compete or hotly disagree, say what it does not mean. But compassionate love never competes and means what it says. It allows for disagreements or difference in opinions and enjoys it. It is playful, trusting and not threatened with difference.
INGREDIENT OF LOVE: (1 Corinthians 13:4-7; 1 John 4: 7-11)
· Love is patient – Long suffering have the power to fix every situation that is broken and to straighten out every person that needs to be put right; willingness to put on with broken relationship until it is right.
· Love is kind considerate and thoughtful, gentle to fragile people; generous to needy people, tender to hurting people, encouragement to insecure; repay evil with good, cruelty with kindness.
· Does not envy resenting someone who is ahead of me; when one love self more than others. Love appreciates success, good gestures and future of others.
· Does not boast no bragging, no competition, becoming more concerned with impressing others and ensuring they have high opinion of you than loving them.
· Is not proud live not in pride, see no flaws of his/hers, have already made excuse for most situation or act, no apologies, put what others do in possible bad light.
· Is not rude nagging, saying what you like without concern for other persons feeling, does not matter who is hurt. Love is courteous, respectful and sensitive, not rude and crude, no bitterness nor anger (Ephesians 4:31-32)
· Not self seeking: self centeredness, self fulfillment meets own needs, develop self, not minding others help/assist only your family members and nothing more.
· Keep no record of wrongs: once wrong is addressed it is forgotten; has short memory of wrongs, slow to take offence and quick to forgive; does not file lawsuits nor hold grudges.
· Does not delight in evil; rejoices with the truth and not with lies, errors and iniquities. Cant be indifferent to evil or falsehood; does not delight in evil or encourage people to do it.
· Love protects (Proverbs 22:1) it guards good name of others, keep secrets, keep mouth shut, no gossip nor slander. Build others up Genesis 3:4 protect man from sinning and self deception. Protect partners from outsider/home breakers.
· Love always trustsGood relationship depends on trust, believe the best; even after being hurt and betrayed does not surrender to cynicism.
· Love is hopeful; light in the midst of darkness, always expecting to see golden rays of sun rise. Has confidence in God, so sure of His power of love that never fails. Depends on Gods promises and expects the best outcome.
· Love perseveres; endures all things; accepts joy and pains, through ups and downs, through every changing situation, love remain constant, avoids outbursts of anger and harsh criticism.
THINGS THAT NOURISH AND GROW LOVE
· tender words (not harsh)
· tender and understanding actions (not cruel actions)
· a selfless attitude (not selfish attitude)
· generosity (not cheat or hard hearted)
· honesty (not dishonesty / deceitfulness)
· truthfulness (not lying or deceit)
· Honor and respect for one another (not disrespect/ disregard)
· Faithfulness (not marital unfaithfulness/cheating)
· Cleanliness and attractive body (not dirty and odorous)
· Integrity uprightness (not disgrace/doubtful character)
· Open and good communication (not poor/in malice/ prejudice)
· Humility (not pride or pomposity)
· Clear directive and responsible leadership (not dip and skip)
· Submission (not stubbornness and unruly)
· Spiritual progress and development of good qualities
· Hard work and financial security (not laziness)
· Studying Gods Word together, regularly and praying together (not death relationship/moving ghost)
Finally, Agape creates Eros (God is love and created man in His own image, within its potential contain Eros). Eros seeks to possess and hold while Agape seeks to give out. For example, on the wedding day, couples promise to love and to cherish till death do them part. But from the first day they discover they may/ cannot possess each other. Over the years, they learn as they clash and quarrel and forgive to respect each other as unique persons and to set each other free. May learn as babies are born to put their psyches out/ burry for the sake of the kids and let go others.; as they grow older, they grow in compassion, gratitude in understanding and in intimacy and into the ultimate mystery of death. The journey that started in Eros turns out to be the school of agape in which couples learn to lay down their psyches and lose their egocentricity in each other. Then their separate ego selves are lost in the to and fro of agape between them.
In Christ Eros is lifted up to heaven and agape comes down to earth reaching out beyond ourselves. The top rung of the ladder is Christ death and resurrection. He lays down His life for friends and enemies into the hands of God and pours out the spirit of the father for us in compassion and love. Let this love be shared amongst couples and marriage will flourish in blissful relationship.
Reach: Evangelist Ogbonnaya,Godswill@weefreeministries.org or P. O. Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272