“Fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation. It’s also the leading cause of declining child well-being in our society. It’s also the engine driving our most urgent social problem, from crime to adolescent pregnancy to child sexual abuse to domestic violence against women,” says David Blankenhorn.
Fatherless America, confronting our most urgent social problem. Does this suggest our state is fast becoming an increasingly fatherless society? Fatherlessness describes a father absent from home where moms and grandma’s struggle to raise children on their own without a dad’s role. In Throw Away Dads, Dr Ross Parke says, “The effect of filling our children’s head with negative images of their father’s; of ignoring men who share equally in raising their children and of showing nothing but part-time or no-time father is quite simply devastating.” Our children are not only denied the love and presence of their dads but also fed with negative images of their father’s to suggest that women don’t need men to raise children; they are even better off without them.
What happened to dads? Where have they gone? Raymond R Rubino reviews opine “we have no shortage of fathers in the pro-creative, biological/ physiological sense of the world. What is missing in our society is the institution of fatherhood, the process whereby the patriarch of the family takes his rightful place in the family as leader, provider, protector and nurturer.” William Muchlenbery referring to Fatherless America said, “perhaps most disturbing of the information Blankerhorn uncovered is the fact that “tonight,” about 40 percent of American children will go to sleep in homes in which their fathers do not live.” “Whether unwittingly or by design, feminism and women liberals had played a big part in destroying the sacred institution; their call for the “right” of women did not stop there. There has been a full scale diminution of fatherhood, to the detriment of all involved, and ultimately, society.”
Little wonder the primary results of this trend are decline in children’s well being and rise in male domestic violence. The problem is not just the absence of fathers, but the absence of our belief in fathers. Even though the traditional society had some problems, the fatherless society is a greater dilemma. In it, fatherhood is completely devalued, decultured and deinstitutionalized. Blankerhorn isn’t saying that mothers aren’t good enough for the kids but that children need mothers and fathers equally and healthy families are prerequisite for healthy society.
FACTORS AFFECTING FATHER’S ABSENCE FROM HOME:
Conflict leadership: The purpose of marriage is for husband and wife to unite and become one; striving and sharing life together. When strife exists continuously in marriage, couples detest marriage. They become angry, bitter and resentful; trust and confidence vanish. When a woman doesn’t know how to allow her man becomes the husband of the home; she’s bossy, controlling and makes all decisions. She’s independent, nagging and very demanding and confronting. If she happens to bake more bacon than her man she then becomes the boss/head of the home. The man suddenly becomes incompetent, stupid and perhaps crazy. Some women even when they profess to be Christians buy into the feminist ideals and cultural norms. They believe that marriage in this society is partnership and any partner could head the home by coarse or clutter. These by all means affect the relationship and result in conflict leadership; affect the children both at homes and in schools. Couples in this situation live lonely together and no longer care for each other. Such situation could result into separation and divorce.
Disrespect: You can force someone to obey another but you cannot force a person to respect another. ‘Very few men would want a drill sergeant for a wife.’ Men as well as women dislike controlling freak as partners. You must first respect your spouse before you love and submit to him/her. Men hate living with domineering wives and women abhor being controlled. Unfortunately many marriages are nothing more than a battle ground for power. A woman who attempts to control her husband can in no way respect or revere him. Children watch their mom disrespect their dad and sooner or latter join the club; however this happens only on the short run. As children grow into adult, they become aware of their parent’s real character; their behavior may begin to change towards them. In most cases by then it has become too late to amend the wrongs of several years. When the situations get unbearable and uncontrollable, the couples becomes grieved and frustrated; if something is not done to keep them apart, it could result to violence.
A wise woman builds her home [Proverbs.14:1]; he who finds a wife finds a good thing and favor from the Lord [Proverbs18:22]. What’s good in a domineering and brawling spouse? She’s disrespectful, competitive and contentious that is not conducive for healthy living. A virtuous and worthy wife is a crowning joy to her husband but she that makes him ashamed, provoked and irritated with vexation is as rottenness in the bones [Proverbs12:4]. ‘A father at home is better than a mother in the work place.’
Ungodliness: God designed and instituted marriage as a secure union between man and woman. He made a woman out of man and later brought them together as a couple and completion to man. For marriage to succeed both couple must have strong belief in God, and obey the principles He laid and accept His authority in marriage. Many couples belong to a Church family, which is commendable but do not honor God enough for Him to reflect in their families. They lift ‘holy hands’ in worship but have no experiential knowledge of God’s grace and the effect of His death and resurrection. They have no idea of the demands of Christian marriage. Marriage was designed in such a way that God is at the center as a sustainer and enabler. The key to good marriage is based on the foundation of God and His word. We must build an intimate relationship through the study of the word, meditation and prayers; being led by his Spirit. If God leads your union, then you will be submissive to Him and the authority He placed in marriage.
Wrong Choices: Some men made wrong choices and married out of infatuation and lack of knowledge. When the love air settles down, they suddenly realize they are in a mess. This results in panics, conflicts and frustrations as well as domestic violence because of the crises at homes. Some get involved either in drugs or alcohol to release the tension and frustration at home and feel good temporary. Some were denied their pleasures and they got into trouble trying to demand their right; perhaps to get out of the controlling spouse in a wrong manner. Higher resentment kicks the joy out of marriage and it becomes a hell on earth. Just like living with an enemy, it breeds distrust; live independently together like cotenant. ‘A parent who harbors resentment towards the other shall no doubt pass it to the children.’
Absent of fathers: Some young people who were raised by single parents, were somehow fed with wrong ideas and information about men and fatherhood as well as the world around them. Even though we have single moms who through struggles and hard experiences raised their children well, they are many others who were not as successful. As these children grew up dads absent, they were influenced by adult who had no business being around them. Some of them make huge mistakes, ends up in juvenile and graduate into penitentiaries. Others live in fears and insecurities. As they grew up they feel agitated with self, the environment and culture they were raised. The father is indispensable for the full sociological status of the child as well as of its mother” Children are raised better where mom and dad are present, in loving relationship.
Cultural norms: Many who latter got married had no intension of doing so; they were caught up by the status of common law marriage. They were interested only in the physical funs than sharing life and rearing children together. Other groups made babies and preferred to get/pay child support than go through the burden of living with a spouse to raise kid[s] together. Among them some were products of single parents and divorcees; feel it’s too much a burden living with a spouse. These people are concerned with their selfish interest/happiness than the overall well-being of the child [To be continued sometime].
Sons of men, let accept this hard evidence while we seek counsel from God on how to deal with the emerging problems. Even if your earthly father is absent or passed, you have a heavenly Father who is omnipresent. Happy Father’s Day.
Reach Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com Or P.O. Box 720035, Houston, Texas, &77272.