The world is full of interesting news these days; news in the market place, in the government, in the Air- space and in the changing world economy. There are news of wars on terrorist, of unending peace talks and peaceful negotiations. Daily we hear news of natural disasters claiming numerous lives mostly among the innocent, news of murder incidents, of drugs infected society and its effects, news of unmonitored kids carrying guns to schools to shoot their mates, rapists, child molesters etc. Unknown to many, there are numerous news in the family that receive less coverage and gradually becoming a way of life. Sad news of rampant and escalating home break–ups fill the air, resulting from divorces; news of spouses murder spouses when love get soured ad children left to suffer the aftermaths. It will make huge news if a man should dare bite a dog, but no news when dogs bite men [its owner or anybody]. Now, how do you react to the news about the head becoming the bottom and the bottom becoming the head? Professor Chinua Achebe envisaged a situation where the unusual happens in his books titled, “things fall apart”, and “no longer at ease”. This appears to justify the saying, “wonders shall never end” and “no condition is permanent”. Today, evidence abound that the unimagined, unexpected, never dreamt of has been happening. This is what creates the breaking news we read, and watch that make us wonder.
Before dabbling into the main issue, it is necessary first and fore-most, to give credence to our women who in spite of their ‘advantage position’ humbly respect and honor their husbands, presenting them as icons to their children and the world. Their sacrifices, love and care are highly commendable and appreciated. Indeed, such are great monuments of our culture and tradition, and our hope in raising our future generation. A Christian woman has a duty to respect and honor her husband as her head and that of the household regardless of his status [1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:23]. Other religion also keeps to this tenet with stiffer retribution. A prudent wife comes from the Lord [Proverbs 19:14]. It does not matter who makes higher or all the money, what matters is that it’s used collectively to meet the family needs.
A woman Evangelist once opined, “A woman is either a wife or a knife. While a wife supports her husband, holding him with respect and honor, a knife slices the husband to death and becomes a young widow”. She stressed that whatever a woman does, she was only fulfilling her role, helping the husband out. She cited two great women of the scriptures: Deborah- a one time prophetess, a wife, a mother and a Judge in Israel. She was a woman of many talents and substance, yet contended her ego, humbled herself and honored the husband. Another was Lydia who worked hard, making and dying purple clothing’s to bring home bacon for the family. She still found time to worship God, kept His precepts, including submission to her husband and being benevolent to others. The list of faithful, modest and hard working women in the scriptures will be incomplete if Ruth’s deeds and lifestyle is not mentioned. “I shall not leave you, for your people shall be my people and your God, my God. All my fellow townsmen know you as a woman of noble character” [Ruth1:16-17, 3:10-11]. She was deeply loyal to those she loved.
A mother who has a true motherhood instinct will be fighting to respect her husband and present him well to the children as spring rock of authority and head of the home. Little wonder the Proverbs of Solomon commend that a wife of noble character is scarce and worth more than money. Her husband trusts her and he’s blessed by her tireless industry all the day of his life [Proverbs 31:10-12]. For he who finds a ‘good’ wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. A virtuous woman is an emblem of honor [crown] to her husband while a smart woman with no character is a disaster; she’s like a constant dropping on a rainy day and cannot be restrained [Proverbs 18:22, 12:4, 27:15-16.
Naturally, a man is regarded as the head of family [Genesis 1:26-31; Numbers 1:4]. It’s a God given role with its associated responsibilities. Evidence from the scriptures and cultural practices support this claim. There’s yet no proof that man ever asked or lobbied for this position but God designed it. Perhaps that justifies why Adam was created first and he named every living thing, including the woman whom he called Eve. In line with the divine plan, a woman was made out of a man and assigned her a helper [or help mate] to man. In trying to expound her roles, some teachers have described the woman as “the neck” on which the head rotates or “the tail” that drives away his enemies; she cares, nourishes and protects the man. Whichever way one puts it supports her role as a helper [not the head]. However, as the two cleave together in marriage, they use their different roles and gifts to serve, support and complement each other.
In the olden days, families engaged mostly in farming. The man wakes up early and sets out to the farmland to cuts and clears the bush or digs the ground, while the woman also wakes early to keep the house [including children], prepare meal for the family and join the man, taking food to him. She planted the crops or engaged in weeding. Depending on the family arrangement, both may leave together after a hard day’s job. Whatever yield harvested from the farm was a product of the couple. As civilization sets in, the man worked and brought home money to meet the family needs, while the woman had a home-based business and cared for the home. In today’s society, with the associated high taste and standard of living, both couples work not only to make ends meet but also to meet extended family responsibilities. Ideally, the two should cleave together in all things, including their finances. In the days when we had no female wrestlers, a man assumed physically stronger than a woman and was looked upon to make more money but in our modern society and world, making money depends on one’s smartness, profession or trade; most women make more fat checks than their men. Ordinarily, this should not create any puzzle or problem, but unfortunately ‘this blessing’ has resulted to an insurmountable relationship chaos in most families.
About two months ago I watched a channel 26 television Divorce Court proceeding, where a woman brought home the bacon. She became over controlling, over assertive, issuing instructions to the man and treating him as a nobody. Repeatedly she asserted, since she was making the money, the man must clean the house, toilets and kitchen, care for their children and changed the baby diapers even when she was present in the house. Every item in the house she described as “my this or my that”. She showed a lot of disrespect to her spouse that the Honorable Judge expressed disappointment over her behavior; and wondered aloud why they were still in the relationship.
PART 2: REVELATIONS AND REALITIES
After watching that television divorce court program, coupled with talks of similar incidents becoming common place, I went to town, visited three African stores and sought opinions of men and women of African descent on the matter. The opinion survey was carried out between the months of March and May 2003 and about the same time, I also chatted with some people at various wakes. In the middle of the chats, I chipped in questions such as: “Is it true that when women make more money than their husbands, they feel bossy? How do you feel if your spouse makes more money than you? “Some African men find it difficult to adjust to the change in culture and life in America, hence it’s affecting their behavior and marriage relationship” what’s your opinion? An average of 50 African men died last year in Houston and most of them were attributed to heart failure. Could it be linked to internal frustrations, what do you think? And so on.
Some people simply smiled and made no comments while others responded but begged to remain anonymous. One woman jokingly revealed, “Boo it’s a rat race. Our men went
Home in search of women whom they intend to turn into money making machine, while women looked for men whom they shall climb their backs into American soil, so it’s a done deal”. Surprisingly a great number of men and women upheld this opinion. Another group expressed a general view: It is an open secret that most couples live in pretends, our marriages are sick, divorce is rampant while many just live lonely together. Few men and women reacted this way, “some of our men are lazy, they think when they marry industrious wives, and they should just hang on to one poorly paid job and do nothing else”. However a Christian woman had this to say,“ it’s true that most of our women frustrate their husbands because they make more money; they have forgotten that these men married them, some paid their fares to America and supported them through their careers or trades. It’s sad and against God’s commandment”. One woman made fun of it and spoke in pigeon, “say una no go leave our women alone, una no see men where de abuse, abi maltreat their wives; we de for woman world oo”. On the whole the women despite the finger pointing were more responsive than men.
Some families don’t have this problem. A colleague’s wife went on hunger strike because her husband refused to touch her pay check. She said her mother instructed her that submission includes pay checks, her life and all. They must do everything together. She even warned her not to send her any money without the knowledge and consent of the husband. Her mother revealed that ‘oneness and truthfulness’ were the keys to her successful relationship with her father. Another modest woman reacted, ‘you already know I am an RN, and my husband works with the state. I had a degree in Agric-economics before I met my husband. He married me and brought me here; saw me through nursing career in early ‘90s. We have a joint account and he runs it and pays all our bills. I’ve always trusted his judgment. A Muslim wife had this to say, ‘the Koran commands wives to be totally submissive and loyal to their husband, holding them in honor. Another woman noted, ‘I am a Nurse. When I started work after passing my Board Examinations, I foresaw that a time will come when my salary alone shall not meet the family needs and could bring misunderstanding, so I encouraged my husband who was already an Accountant to read a course in medical field. Both of us are RNs and we work four days a week. We are comfortable with what we make; at least it sustains us’.
Surprisingly, the chats also brought out a silent fact that some men are blessed with industrious and submissive wives who worked hard to support their husbands and households but out of greed, self-centeredness and lack of fairness in decision making, the men ruined it for their families and in turn brought self imposed anarchy to their homes. These women were initially submissive to their husbands, worked extra hours and handed them their hard earned pay checks, allowed them make major decisions concerning their household but their husbands misconstrued their humility and submissiveness for weakness, thus abused the golden opportunities through misappropriation of funds, unfairness and lack of appreciation. This partly explains why some women get rebellious and uncompromising with their men. That doesn’t make it right, for such behavior shall affect the atmosphere in the home as well as the children. It would be a shame to see the marriage failed and the family ruined. A greedy man stirs up dissension and a man who remains stiff-necked after many rebukes shall failed and be destroyed. Also a man’s greed is his shame and he who brings trouble on his family will inherit only wind. For this reason, a good man obtains favor from the Lord while the Lord condemns the crafty and wicked [Proverbs 19:22, 16:28, 11:29 & 12:2]
PART 3: OPTIONS – COMPROMISE OR JOINT HEAD
However it was also revealed that some couples right from the onset of the relationship had inordinate ambition and ulterior motives, which they brought into the union. When these motives hatch, they took turn for the worst. Some of these people were hurt in their past relationships and had transferred ill feelings to whoever would be ‘lucky’ to meet them, while others had hidden unresolved spiritual issues. The Watch Tower of September, 2003 expressed the views of a medical journalist who nips the matter at bud, “we enter the institution without any training whatsoever; the lack of proper education on what marriage entails is the major root of failures”. Indeed many went into marriage without the faintest knowledge of what it takes to enter and sustain the relationship and the devil loves that, because he takes this situation to build strongholds and cause terrible chaos in the mind of many folks. One cannot live a positive life with a negative mind.
On the contrary, in some families the unexpected happens. Where the woman earns more money than her male spouse, she assumes the role of the head and manhood pushed to the bottom. She attaches her ego to the money she makes and bears some false sense of security. She’s bossy and possessive, wants to make all the decisions, control the finance [because she brings home more bacon], and to discipline the children. In a family affected by the money ego problem, the woman operates different bank accounts, hides her pay checks and stubs from her man; buy things at will and uses the money she makes to influence the children, showing them she cares for them more than their father. She nags, orders the man around, talks mean to the man and disrespects him even in the presence of their children. She becomes a mini-god, blowing her trumpet and dictating tunes. She’s assertive, controlling, and treating the man as a no body, just like the telecast on divorce court. One boasted to the husband, “in America, home women are heads of families and it’s no big deal”. She often threatens that, ‘the laws in America favor the women than the men as well as job opportunities’. Another Egoist woman was quoted to have said to the husband, “If you desire to head a home, be a man and make more money”. Poor him, for he did not know it’s a curse to be poor because a poor man is hated by his own relatives and even household [Proverbs 14:20, 19:7].
Unfortunately, we live in a wealth-minded society where money speaks and its power radiates; it means everything to some people. Funny enough, human beings associates’ money with power; the more you acquire the more power and authority you wield. The society now cares a little on how you make it, as long as you have made it successfully, you are flattered with recognition, respect and honor; you can even dine with royalty, be awarded as many titles as you desire and willing to subscribe to, be it in Church or society.
The Ebony magazine, May 2003 issue contains this statement: “It is amazing that women want to be treated as equals but don’t want equal responsibilities. This type of behavior has men around the world scratching their heads”. If a man makes more money than his female spouse, it’s an acceptable norm, but if the reverse, it’s a curse; may raise dust, puzzle, nagging, resentfulness and in some cases may crack the relationship; why is it so? The only crime these men commit is that they are not making enough money and the problem these women do not know is how to allow their men be the heads of household as God ordained and is culturally instituted. “A good partner can make or break your life”.
Some of these men are well read, enlightened, and wish to be engaged in a well paying job but somehow are disadvantaged in terms of job opportunities. Some have tried severally, and appeared to have resigned to faith, just to allow sleeping dog lie. Attempts to fashion out solution to these ugly situations, have some advisers, including our columnist, Dr. E. Emeaba suggest that men should toe the path of compromise. They argued since in Rome we must act like the Romans. Come to think of it, should we emulate every tradition of men? What’s not yet clear is what to compromise- headship or husband? Whatever be the case, men headship was not conditioned on ability to solely provide for the family. If men could do it alone God would not have made women to help them. When the Scripture says, a man who cannot provide for the family is worse than infidel, it was on the premise that a man as the head represents the couple; also he’s blessed with wealth but spent it elsewhere or on other things. Even in the days of our fore fathers some women were more industrious and wealthy than men folks yet that only humbled them and made them more supportive to their husbands. There’s a new school of thought: the partnership concept [or Joint head], where both partners are considered head of the household and both are equally accountable and responsible to each other. This concept appears fairly new and could be tried but requires change of perception. However when two captains man a ship, it could sail into disaster. In my opinion, marriage is too fragile to be planted in waterloo; the Inventor had laid the design on which it’s built and work. Marriage is a critical choice that requires great care. “A wise woman builds her home while the foolish tears her down [Proverbs14:1].
As these internal war rages on, some men in this sordid condition who do not wear the heart of stone break down in frustration and emotional torture. It’s better to live in the desert than with a brawling and contentious woman [Proverbs 20:9, 19; 25:24]. This emotional tumult comes from lack of peace of mind, denial of love and unending emotional conflicts and could cause heart failure, high blood pressure, strokes and ultimately untimely death. Last year alone about 50 Africans men bowed to great beyond and most of them suffered from one or all of these silent killers. A marriage counselor had once advised, 4 things that can make a man commit suicide are: i] feeling unloved ii] feeling unneeded iii] feeling no hope of that changing and iv] feeling lack of comfort expressing these feelings. Inevitably, feeling loved and feeling needed is vital to human psyche; also while women’s strength is their façade of weakness, men’s weakness is their façade of strength. Another great thinker had opined expressing feelings of vulnerability brings women affection and men rejection; men support system supports men on being invulnerable.
PART 4: THE PALAVA & HINTS ON REMEDIES.
This sad situation may sound ridiculously exaggerated but truly it’s now very common, as matter of fact an open secret, even though many live in denial. A lot of factors could be responsible for this strife, ranging from: wrong mentality complex, peer group influence syndrome, incompatibilities in marriage, lack of intimacy, lack of proper education and wrong concept of marriage relationship; bad societal and environmental influences and of course wrong parental upbringing and expectations. Against these background psychologists, Dr Paris Finnier Williams and Robert Williams, authors of “marital secrets: dating, lies, communication and sex” advise as follows:
i] Couples should learn to manage their money rather than allowing their money to manage them; they should not define their relationship in terms of money alone.
ii] Couples must establish an open line of communication, whereby each party has equal access and equal opportunity to express and share their concerns and their interest; solid line of open communication around money matters help to alleviate misconception, misjudgment, suspicion and wrong assumptions that could damage the relationship. The relationship can be successful if there’s an agreement between the two on how the money is handled and if the couples are sensitive towards each other, rather than dominating.
iii] Avoid feelings of emasculation, resentment and animosity, begin with a thorough assessment of your partner’s money history and respect the significant it brings with.
iv] Accepting your partner’s situation and respecting your individual’s needs are keys to the success. A man must feel secured in his manhood and the woman must respect the man for what he has to offer.
A man’s ego is attached to money and a woman’s sense of security is attached to it as well. It’s therefore crucial that couples should be open to each other and discuss money matters along other issues before entering into marriage, to enable them deal with the differences when they occur. Unfortunately marriage is like ordering a parcel, until it is received and opened, no one can say for certain what is inside. As they start their journey, no body ever dreamt that the unexpected would happen, where the man would not be able to fly and these relevant issues were not dealt with early enough. It posses a huge problem when it eventually happens. The bottom line is when couples stop looking at money as “my money” or “your money”, then it really doesn’t matter who is contributing to the pot as long as you look at the whole pot as a resource to enhance the family.
Are you in deep trouble now in your relationship and you appear to feel aggressive, tensed up and hopeless? Could it be your partner has abandoned you and you are experiencing rejection from your children with whom you desire to be friends? It is a problem sometimes faced in our journey in life. That may not be the only drama in your life, suddenly you’ve noticed that friends and people who were initially around you have started keeping a distant and no longer believe you. It could be that God is trying to set you aside for something different. You are a Christian and have been struggling to be right with your God but passing through a lot of internal strife. Often times strife is a
cold war in the house that everybody knows exist but no body deals with it. Have you taken a second look at your situation? It may not be as huge as you think and you may have your own faults that need to be addressed. Sadly people always justify their behavior. When we are able to face our shortcomings, learn to put them behind us, by forgiving self and others, we would be surprised the dramatic changes that shall occur in us and in our relationship.
We should not allow our past and how we were raised to run our lives. Our pasts give excuses and reasons for what we are facing but our destiny is in the future and God knows it all. The truth is that Jesus came, died and rose again to set the captive free and give them eternal life. We must not live according to our past but according to our destiny. No temptation or strife has come to us that are not common to man. God is faithful and can’t allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear, but will provide a way of escape [1 Corth.10:13] Again, if our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts and He knows all things [1John 3:20]. It’s important we recognize God’s direction in our lives. When things are badly wrong, God’s even closer. He does not abandon us or leave us helpless. He patiently corrects us, put us on the right path and continually change us from inside out. It may not be a one time thing affair.
If you believe Jesus died on the cross for you, and have put your trust in Him, then changing your situation for better is a little matter. I have not heard nor seen anything God does not resolve. He will deal with them perhaps not quite in the way you expect. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life; the unchangeable changer. The scriptures teaches that, we glory in tribulation [problems, trails, persecutions] knowing that tribulation produces perseverance [patience], and perseverance, character[experience]; character, hope. And hope does not fail us because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom He has given us. [Romans 5:3-5]. You need to have an experiential knowledge of God and His ways [not just talk or read about Him alone]. As you taste Him, you will end up like Job testifying, ‘I know my Redeemer lives’.
Always expect the unexpected and remember everything is for a season; nothing is permanent. Finally, God is bigger than your problem and powerful than all your enemies put together. As you approach His throne of grace daily, join a great hymn writer- Henry Hart Milman -1701-1808 [personalized] O help me Lord each hour of my need,
Thy heavenly succor gives;
Help me in thought, and word and deed
Each hour on earth I live.
Feel free to contact any experienced pastor or marriage counselor in a living Church if you need further help; Or else, we will be glad to help out. The choice is yours.