Most couples get busy and overwhelm themselves with tasks such as parenting, chasing riches, and other responsibilities that may lead them to forget the importance that nurturing their relationship has. They grow so far apart from each other that minor things that could have been delights and pleasures actu-ally cause displeasure and disagreements. The two become so drifted apart when they make their kids’ needs and satisfaction their top priority. When this happens, helping with homework, meeting school games schedules, volunteering and community involvement, as well as differences in disciplinary measures, can wedge the marriage apart. Their priority drifts from each other to work, kids, and miscellaneous activities. It’s easy to forget that you take care of your kids for about eighteen to twenty years and thereafter, they are grown and leave home. However, you and your spouse are proposed to cleave to each other for a life time. The discussions and times you are sup-posed to have together become full of minor tensions with everyone attempting to input his/her own agenda and perspec-tive. In an article titled “God’s Authority in Oneness,” which was published by Today’s Christian Woman, Jerome Daley notes that “Too often, marriage operates like a tension-filled committee of two in which each committee member is bent on gaining the upper hand. Instead of living in oneness, the couple lives on a battleground of power struggles and authority are the casualty.”
Some marriages are likened to oranges without juice. Even though they are husband and wife, some couples live like cat and mouse. Making a choice of a spouse is one thing, but keep-ing the relationship afloat is where the challenge lies. Ac-ceptance is easy to achieve, but commitment to make it work is a daily devotion for life; without it, you could drift to a dead end, such that the juice evaporates from the fruit and you live together, but lonely; dried of the energy that connects the two of you to each other. Every marriage union has also been lik-ened to a farmland that needs clearing, cultivation, weeding and watering while you patiently wait reaping. Another illus-tration looks at marriage as an old car that needs constant maintenance and attention: oil’s topping/change, tuning, brakes check and washing and detailing, etc. For any union to stay alive and blissful, it takes hard work on the part of both couples to grow it. You grow your relationship, when you:
Create time for each other: In the midst of the busy activity schedules, make time to be together devoid of any distractions – kids, phone, television, computer gadgets, etc. It should be included in your weekly schedule. Make it a time worth hav-ing so that each of you looks forward to it every week. Discuss issues that affect the both of you, which can foster more under-standing and appreciation for each other. You can ask ques-tions like: “How do you feel about your job?” and “What can I do to help break a bad habit of lateness at work?” Talk about raising kids, appreciating each other, and how you have been blessed and favored by the companionship, etc. It may not be the right time and place to discuss bills, etc.
Tackle areas of dissension: As you set time apart to be togeth-er and chat, you should delve into affairs affecting the smooth running of the union; like disciplining children and granting them attention, for example. One parent may be more lenient while the other believes in firm discipline. Such difference could bring misunderstanding and children are quick to take advantage of it. They seem to like the more lenient who toler-ate their idiosyncrasies and may develop a dislike, and per-haps even hatred, towards the strict disciplinarian. This problem should be handled with care and tact. You could seek the help of a Christian counselor who specializes in parent-child issues. Please note that not all pastors or all who put out sign posts as counselors are experienced in handling family issues.
Practice daily forgiveness: Marriage is a relationship between two good daily forgivers. We offend each other almost every time. We think and behave differently; sometimes we make wrong choices, or act in error. We should be humble enough to accept our shortcomings and show outward feelings of regret and sorrow. Do not harbor grudges and un-forgiveness; it could develop into a hard core. Always be willing to ask for and give forgiveness; repent from wrong doing. Remember that if you harbor iniquities in your heart, the Lord will not hear your prayers (Psalm 66:18). Again, if you do not forgive one anoth-er God will not forgive you (Matt 6: 14; Mark 11:26). More so, our kids can see how sincere and apologetic we are and would tend to emulate us.
Be Proactive in doing good: Always think: “What can I do to make my spouse more joyful and delightful?” or “What can I do to make my spouse feel like I care and indeed love him/ her?” Find ways to initiate something pleasant and graceful. Do not postpone any opportunity to do good. Love is an action word, not just a spoken word. It is what we do with what we say that matters. Minimize, and if possible avoid, complaints, nagging and trying to control or take advantage of the other. Tell your spouse of something you admire in her/him. Be your spouse’s mirror.
Practice mutual respect: Most times, what you put in a rela-tionship equals what you get. Respect is reciprocal and mutual. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Men are respectable only as they respect.” U. Thant’s quote becomes relevant: “Every hu-man being, of whatever origin, of whatever station, deserves respect. We must each respect others as we respect ourselves.” I also share the valuable opinion of Herbert Henry Lehman who said: “I must respect the opinions of others even if I disa-gree with them.” Couples must practice mutual submission and respect in the fear of God (Eph. 5:21; Phil. 2:3-4).
Maintain open and honest communication: Some couples talk with each other once in every 12 hours, yet they talk with their friends all of the time, even while driving. Again, they are dishonest and deceitful to themselves. “Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationship she or he makes with others and what happens to each in the world,” said Vir-ginia Satir. Some have secrets that every other person knows except their spouse. This group of people talks nice to their friends and peers, but harsh and repulsive to their spouse; most times the only point of discussion is their children’s needs. As Cochise advised, “…Speak straight and do not wish to deceive or be deceived.” What happens when the kids are grown and leave home? You find two strange co-tenants living lonely together while nearing a stage of intolerance. Couples should maintain connection with each other. This involves open and honest communication with sincerity of purpose. In fact, couples must communicate purposefully, honestly and re-sponsibly. Talking with your spouse during the day keeps you connected and related till evening.
Sharing Financial Responsibility: Money is not evil, but the love of it (above your spouse and family) is. Money does what-ever it is asked to do – build or scatter. It could be a blessing or a curse. Money is likened to a handgun; in the hand of a po-lice, it’s an instrument of justice while in the hand of an arm robber, it becomes an instrument of destruction and death. Couples should share financial responsibilities. The income of both couples become the wealth of the family and should be applied in meeting family needs and solving related problems. A couple should not be selfish or build a monster just because he/she makes more income than his/her spouse. Oftentimes, money becomes a point of dispute for couples and a core rea-son for disagreements, incessant quarrels, separation, and ulti-mately divorce. Let money build your marriage rather than scatter/destroy it.