- Marriage is a covenant (Malachi 2:14), created and ordained by God; so marriage becomes a divine institution. God created man and woman and instituted or performed the first marriage in the Garden of Eden (Gen 2:18, 21-24). By this singled event, God ordained marriage as a covenant, involving man, woman and Himself at the center (as a pivot). Keeping God at the center of your marriage, His love continues to bind you together as one throughout your marriage. God’s design for marriage is that …each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband…….husband give your wife conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband…….(1 Corinthians 7:1-5). He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord (Proverbs 18:22); “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their work…..if one fall, his friend help; if two lie down together, they will keep warm…. Two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken (Eccl 4:9-12).
- Man: The scripture commands man to love His wife as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her ( 5: 22-23, 25). This mystery is so profound and refers to Christ and the Church. However let each one of you love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband (vs.33). Apostle Peter admonished husbands to live with their wives with understanding of their weak nature, yet showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel…..so that your prayers will not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). Husbands love your wives and don’t be bitter towards them (Col 3:19). Husbands, enjoy life with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life (Eccl 9:9).
- Woman: Eph 5:22-24 – Wives submit to your husband’s as to the Lord…..should submit to their husbands in everything. (Col 3:18) – Wives be submissive to your husband’s as fitting in the Lord. …… let the wife see that she respects her husband (Eph 5:33). No wife respects and submits to a husband except she loves him.
One thing is very crucial for a marriage that not only holds together but drives the couples in marriage to be joyful and keep going is love (not infatuation or first sight love or spare tire love). “Love at first sight usually ends with divorce at first sight.” “A love-less marriage is a life-less marriage.”True Love put the needs or interest of others ahead of his/her own needs and interest; indeed, true love is sacrificial-cross carrying kind of love. Christians show this love when we are on mission and suffering for the sake of Christ but often ignore our feelings and to do God’s commanded duty. May I ask: Is it possible for two people who fall in love before they marry to stay in love after they marry?
Love description: i) “An 8 year old describes love this way: When my grandmother had arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toe nails anymore, so my grandfather does it for her all the time even though his hands have arthritis too – That’s love.” ii) A story described a man in his late ‘60’s visited his wife in a Nursing Home daily and had breakfast with her at 7am everyday; spent the whole day with her and left at 7pm after dinner with her at about 6.30pm. The wife could no longer recognize him. This he did dutifully and religiously. During one of such occasion, a nurse jokingly asked the man why he was still bothering to come and be with the wife when she did not recognize him anymore. The husband looked at the nurse and paused a little bit. He replied, “I still know her and God knows us. I will keep our vows until death do us part.” What an amazing response and great lesson!!!
“Tying the knot” symbolizes two lives coming together and becoming wrapped up in a way that is not easily broken. This would’ve been an appropriate description but for the fact that, in our era, a great number of knots are becoming untied. Here comes the question: how do we tie a knot in our marriages that will remain tied. The answer is to allow God who designed, created and instituted marriage to knot and direct it. To be honest, the scripture did not teach us that marriage is easy; rather its tough love, even at its best, often a struggle.
Eph 5:33 says however, each one of you must also show love to his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband. The husband must be respectable. The respect a wife owes to her husband cannot work except by love. The man and woman are human beings and all God’s creation and are spiritually equal in the sight of God; while the man was created from raw earth, the woman was made from the finished work of man. The man is supposed to be a spiritual head and family priest. God has given every husband (not wife) a clear responsibility for Spiritual headship. (The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man and the head of Christ is God). In most homes, the men have abdicated that duty. He neither led in prayers and devotion at home nor in the Church. Note a happy marriage is almost totally depended on the Christ-likeness of both partners (not one partner).
Matt 19:4 – At the beginning, the creator made them male and female (Gen 1:27). He said, “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and is united to his wife so that the two will become one flesh (Gen 2:24). So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together let no man separate. They are one – in faithfulness.
Christian marriage is a commitment, not a contract. When you say I do, you have expressed a lifelong loyalty to each other. Christian marriage is not partnership (contract) but companionship (commitment). Biblical teaching describes marriage as a vocation (calling) not a vacation. The calling is enjoyable as long as you are completely devoted to it – put your all into it and enjoy it. In vocation, you’re passionate to it; you keep looking for ways to nourish and improve it. For it to survive in our world that hates real, ideal, God’s pivoted marriage, the two (not one) have to work it, non-stop hours, days, years and enjoy it.
Good marriage just doesn’t happen by accident. It takes many hours daily of steadfast (unrelenting) hard work, hard labor (involves: study/learning, patience, perseverance, faith, trust and hope) – daily the stone submits to the chisel (the stony places/parts in the heart must be chiseled away). The couple must be willing to yield and submit to the word of God and the Holy Spirit. Ask yourself: What is it like to be married to me? Am I marriable? If I were the opposite sex would people desire to marry me?
Does good marriage experience argument? Yes, all marriages have arguments and criticism. We must learn to handle it in a good way and handle the stress associated with it until normalcy returns. “The same wind that snuffs out a candle can blow a great fire into hotter flame.” Nobody in the wide world knows us the way our spouse does, both good and bad aspects. We can put up pretence for other people and fake who we are not but it wouldn’t be long for our life sharing spouse to find out who your real person is. Your spouse is the only person who knows your absolute worst.
Factors that could hinder good marriage
- Some are Eunuchs: Literally, Eunuch is a man or boy whose testes are non-functioning or have been removed. Such a person may not be able to make babies and have no sex drive. Others are those who are castrated or made impotent through spiritual wickedness. Jesus said, “For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men …….. [Matthew 19:12a]. One of the characteristics of living thing is to produce after its kind. Again God commanded man to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over all creation [Genesis 1: 31]. Little surprise the Psalmist said, “Lo, Children are a heritage of the Lord; the fruit of the womb is his reward……..happy is a man that has his quiver full of them…….. [Psalms 127:3-5] and read also Psalms 128:3.
- Celibacy: The American Heritage college dictionary defines celibacy as sexual abstinence especially for religious vows; it is also a condition of being unmarried. This is a very popular doctrine with the Roman Catholic Church where priests take the oaths of celibacy before ordination. Jesus teaches that there are eunuchs who have themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He, who is able to accept it, let him accept it [Matthew 19:12b]. This is a voluntary acceptance to remain unmarried [or be married to Jesus]; to be set aside to serve God in His fullness.
- Self-centeredness: Literally, self-centeredness is willingness to adhere to one’s opinion or in satisfying personal desires. It could mean being stubborn, obstinate, or not caring about other people’s welfare. They are selfish in nature; the “Me-first” people. These people should not enter into marriage because it would be most likely to fail that succeed. Marriage is about sharing and serving each other selflessly; considering one’s spouse before yours. These people will become round pegs in a square holes. They cannot demonstrate love in action and only give you what they do not need. They are greedy, bossy and controlling as well as wicked.
- Chosen alternative lifestyles: This situation applies to those who do not live their lives or use their bodies for the traditional uses as God designed it. These people hold the truth of God in unrighteousness, professing to be wise in their minds, possessing vile affection as well as changing their natural uses to unnatural ones [homosexuals: gays, lesbians, partners of swinging clubs [Romans 1:22-32]. Others call themselves bisexuals and transvestites.
- Mental and physical immaturity: Marriage is not for those who are not matured. It is not for boys and girls or teens that are being spoon-fed by their mothers. The Bible said, “Therefore shall a man [not a boy] leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh” [Genesis 2:24; Mark 10:6-9]. The people must be in readiness and have deeper understanding of what they intend to enter into; they must understand God’s provision and expectation for marriage. They should be responsible financially, emotionally and mentally as well as physically. No doubt, there are some adults who still behave like overgrown babies. They say one thing and mean another; cannot respect or keep commitment to their spouses. They should be able to understand their strengths and weakness and bring them to bear. These people must fear God and preserve in faith; must be God’s children such when they could agree on a thing, God honors it.
- Spousal incompatibility: Literally, to be compatible could mean capable of existing or performing in harmony, in agreement, or congenial combination. It also includes bonding, integration or cleaving together. It is better couples be compatible; even when they are not, they should attempt to work it out. Incompatibility could bring a lot of tension and strain on the relationship. Many couples who may not be patient until it gets to the shores throw in the towel half way; some among them remarry and fight their way through life, living lonely together. This type of marriage experiences leadership conflicts, suffers decision tussles, and usually consumed by dirty infighting. The resultant dysfunctional marital situation adversely affects the children.. I advise against entering into such marriage.
I respect the opinion of those who have deliberately stayed out of marriage because they understand who they are and accept their weaknesses and deficiencies; maintaining a space for those who are not tolerant of their ‘me-first’ attitude. I honor men and women who have set themselves aside so as to devote their lives to worship and serve the God of heaven; they should be faithful in their callings and not mingled with worldliness[1 Corinthians 4:1-2]. ‘If a man purge himself from these he shall become a vessel unto honor, sanctified and meet for the master’s use and prepared unto every good work’[2 Timothy 2:21]. Also let the elder [Bishop] that rules well be counted worthy of double honor, especially they who labor in the word and doctrine. The Laborer is worthy of his reward [1 Timothy 5:17-18].