Responsible Parenting 11
In our world today, so many things or chaos are contesting for our time and energy. Some parents in trying to manage this scared commodity drift into workaholics – working two or three jobs to provide for their families and funny enough some live artificial television lifestyles. Others attempt to create more time in other to be with the families. The issue of reaching a balance is where the appropriate responsibilities lie. In an effort to solve this huge problem, many have adduced opinions and suggestions on how to parent in a proper manner. Advices are posted on various media from parents, friends, and experts and mediocre as well as clergy. Adult and parents read and listen to some of these publications and preaching’s from among them, some who have never been privileged to parent. Upon reading and listening to these opinions, some parents begin to feel inadequate or worried that they have failed in their responsibilities. These feelings of short comings arouse self condemnation, criticism, comparism and emotional sadness and stress. The truth remains that perfect parents don’t exist. Stop beating yourself up over things you failed to do, harboring sense of guilt but rather forgive yourself because of your past errors and shortcoming; trust that God will forgive you for humbly asking. Then move on with fresh insight and new start. Know guilt and fault finding will never solve problems of the past but taking responsibility will.
When a child behaves badly, the parents feel guilty of not raising the child well. Some could be as a result of dysfunctional family, associating with wrong peer group; access into unneeded information on internet as well as experiencing abuses, etc. At other times, it could emanate from differences in parental lifestyles and discipline approach and decisions, etc. These could be very over whelming, devastating and confusing. Disagreements between parents over parenting could cause minor flare ups or serious internal war which could include emotional disturbances or torture in the family, especially when these clashes are exposed or become noticeable to their children. When kids know that such rampant disagreements exist, they tent to exploit the situation and pinch camp with the lenient parent. The kids tend to hold the opinion that their parents do not respect themselves. Consequently, they do not deserve their respect.
Some parents deliberately woo or institute measures to buy or attempt to win over their child’s love with unsolicited or unneeded gifts, lowering standards by allowing the child do whatever she/he desires just to achieve their selfish goals. Laurence Steinberg, PhD writes, “What we often think of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving child things in place of love…things like leniency, lowered expectations or material possessions.” The parent with sticker approach is disliked or worst still hated and distanced by the child; after all no child likes a drill sergeant for a dad. These behaviors are common with some female parents especially when they fall out with their spouses. It is a product of in-fighting mechanism and not in the interest of the child. It often leads to parental tensions, stresses and overwhelmed or worst still an emotional overload.
In another cold-war dimension, some lenient parents may agree with stricter parents on the best approach to discipline their child and the lenient parents turn around to back down in the middle of action. By so doing they make the stricter parent look bad. Others tell (brainwash) the child stuffs she/he has no business knowing to attract or weep up sympathy. Have you heard before comments like, “do not mind your dad or mom, he/she is a hard head?” These emotional partners even manipulate their children by discussing with them how the other parent is high handed and does not allow concessions. Where these type of behaviors are witnessed, parenting is difficult and biased; children raised in this atmosphere grow up to disrespect parents, constituted authority and the church; seek love elsewhere, perhaps in wrong crowds and end up behind bars.
Even though husband and wife have become one by marriage, they have individual instinct and have distinctive lifestyle, beliefs, and communication as well as discipline styles; still different people. Each parent has a unique way of relating with their kids, some are hotter (stricter) while others are quieter (lenient). However parents should be on the same page when it comes to their love and care for their child; in consequences and disciplinary decisions. We should not forget that children don’t like to see their parents not getting along and these battles can have long term effect on them. Again, understand that each time you argue with your mate over parenting, the focus shifts away from the child. This act of disunity of purpose between parents could crate a feeling of instability and insecurity on the child.
Healthy parenting is one of the most challenging jobs facing parents; it’s also most benefiting. It involves a full time job schedule and responsibility. Unfortunately most parents do not approach parenting with the same vigor and concerns like regular contemporary job. Some of us living in this age and in abode different from that of our parents would need to apply new and modern parenting techniques different from that of our parent. For example: if you were raised in Africa in the fifties, words like: “You’re stupid,” “Get out here,” “Shut up,” “Don’t be silly or foolish” etc were no abuses and did not mean much as it is in today’s advanced society. It was a regular song of our parents and did not mean they didn’t love us. Most children especially the male, were raised to be strong and self dependent; most times on carrot and stick. No matter what parenting skills you acquire, the focus should always be on the betterment of our children. William C. shiel Jr writing on Introduction of Healthy Parenting quoted Steinberg saying, “Good parenting helps foster empathy, honesty, self-reliance, self control, kindness, cooperation and cheerful. It also promotes intellectual curiosity, motivation and encourages a desire to achieve. Good parenting also helps protect children from developing anxiety, depression, eating disorders, anti social behavior and alcohol and drug abuse.”
James Lehman says, “You have to run your family like a business. You’re the chief executive officer of your family business and CEO you have to learn how to set emotions aside and to parent as objectively as possible. Forget how guilty you feel, forget…….need to do what is best for your business.” Parents should learn how to back up each other in a moment, even if you don’t fully agree. When both are calmed down, you will be in a emotional state to discuss amicably how to handle such occurrence next time, if at all, it occurs. Natural differences between spouses can be treated as strengths instead of weakness. It could bring in opinions or views you never thought of or considered. In some families today where they are blessed with female parents that bake more bacon than their male counterparts, there is power tussle to show the bread power.
Parents who have exhausted their options of peaceful agreement or settlement should seek the help of an experienced consultant or Therapist or clergy. If you consider your spouse behavior or action detrimental or abusive to your child in some physical or emotional way, then call for serious discussion with your spouse not in the presence of the child. You have to let your spouse know why you think differently, without flaring up or showing the money power; go ahead and ensure the safety of the child or children. It is not a battle on who wins or who is right but on how to resolve the issue at hand. If the differences could cause flaring up, parents should ‘take time out’ and reconvene to talk about the matter. We should learn to listen to one another patiently but focus on the matter and find common ground. Nothing stop or condemn your being empathetic with your child if need be but be careful that you do not ignore or undermine your spouse’s decision. Always maintain the unified stance and that tells the child that both of you are together.
A home can feel like a battle ground with constant tension and fighting. This occurs when couple or parents stop being focus and logical about resolving conflict but allow emotions to overshadow common sense and reasoning. Most time we abandon the issue and focus on persons as well as on spouse’s past lifestyles and faults resulting to conflicts. Conflict usually result into argument and stir up anger but it is a normal part of family life. It occurs when people hold different opinion on how to deal with an issue or solve a particular problem. It’s a component of family life, friendship, work place and even politics. Conflict has a good side; matters are handled and resolved amicably. Resolving conflicts don’t necessarily mean you will be right or wrong. It may mean agreeing to disagree. You may not get what you want but reach a common ground. The child will learn he/she may not always get his/her way.
THE TEN PRINCIPLES OF GOOD PARENTING: Parenting is a very demanding task. Many approaches to parenting are opened to parents but scientists after in-depth study agrees on a basic set of principles that should guide parent interactions with their children and teens. William C. Shiel Jr reviewed and published on Medicine Net.com, an expert, Lawrence Steinberg, PhD view on the above topic. I shall follow his leadings and add comments, where need be:
- What you do matter: By examples your attitudes and behaviors teach (create) values and styles of living to your children. Think about how your treat and respond to your child and the effect it has on him/her. How you treat and react to others, your children listen and watch; of course learn and emulate from you. Effective discipline demands proper example and a good father leads by character and example. Steinberg explains, “What you do makes a difference…Don’t just react on the spur of the moment. Ask yourself, what do I want to accomplish and is this likely to produce result?” For example: Ask yourself, do you yell at and curse other road users while your children are behind in the car? Do exchange harsh words with your spouse in front of your children? Another example: if a mother undermines the authority of her husband, she should not be surprised when her children show no respect for her authority. Also, if you’re a habitual complainant especially when you don’t have your way, you wouldn’t be surprised when your children whine and grumble when they don’t get theirs.
- You cannot be too loving: Psychologists opine you cannot spoil your child with too much love. It is rather a consequence of giving a child things in place of love. For example: Some parents deny children their presence, and home-made food just to do two or three jobs and in its place buy them junk food and material things children might not need, just to woo their love and lower standard of expectation.
- Be involved in your child’s life: “Being an involved parent takes time and hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities.” It means sacrificing your desires and needs; running your own affairs around your child’s program. For example: your child’s school games take preference over a make at saloon or watch your best TV programs even calling off a second job, etc.
- Adapting your parenting to fit your child: This has to do with the child development, age and growth; how it affects his behavior. This appears a reversal to the rules that obtained by our parents when we were growing up. You dare not say no or ask why; even differ on your parent’s opinion. Steinberg explained, “The same drive for independence that is making your 3-year-old say ‘no’ all the time is what’s motivating him to be toilet trained.” Parents should be educated on child’s growth process and the consequential behaviors – inquisitiveness and rebellion.
- Establish and set rules: Setting rules begins with parents. You cannot tell your child not to smoke when you are a chain smoker. You cannot ask your child not to stay out late when you are a night crawler. Children watch parents’ behavior more than they listen to their instructions. Establishing control starts when they are still young and not when they have grown or become teens. The rules your child has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to himself. Most times parents think it could be ridiculous but critical to answer three questions about your child: Where is your child at? Who is he with? And what is he doing? In this society and era, where both parents are working, what do the children do – watch TV program all day or visit computers “no go areas” or some children leave home without telling their parents. It sounds funny but absurd that a child could tell the lenient parent who is at work without informing the stricker parent at home. Does that picture say anything? Steinberg notes, “But you can’t micromanage your child. Once they’re in middle school, you need to let the child do their home work, make their own choices and not intervene.” Have an eye on your children and make them responsible; a mistake can land them in a wrong crowd.
- Foster your child’s independence: It is a normal growth process for young people to push for autonomy. Setting limits helps children learn and develop self-control; just as encouraging independence helps in developing self-direction. Parents should learn to handle this stage of children development carefully and should not mistaken or equate their child’s independence with rebelliousness or disobedience. Effective parenting helps them learn these important abilities.
- Be consistent: By being consistent, it means to hold to the same principles or practice or being in harmony; no lowering of standards or free flopping. Avoid one-shot discipline, where you think by thoroughly disciplining a child once; he/she will never misbehave again. In Discipline with Love, Robert S. McGee writes, many parents know very little about planned discipline. Consequently, they either fail to discipline at all or do so with great severity. Parents may have learned discipline this way from their parents. Such inconsistency in disciplinary pattern often leads to punishment. “Consistency is the key to your authority with your child and it gives him a sense of stability and safety.” It is also the most important disciplinary tool. “If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child’s misbehavior is your fault, not his.” Ensure you make known your non-negotiables and base your authority on wisdom and not on power, less your child will challenge it.
- Avoid harsh discipline: Sequel to the above, harsh discipline is destructive. Discipline is a teaching vehicle. It prepares a child for adult life by showing him or her that undesirable behavior leads to pain and destruction, Robert McGee says. Scripture instruct parents to discipline their children with the ‘rod’ during their formative years. Parents are not called to punish their children but to discipline them as God does to us. Steinberg advised parents never to hit a child, under any circumstances. He alleged, “Children who are spanked, hit or slapped are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression or fight to resolve disputes with other children.” He explained, “There are many other ways to discipline a child…including ‘time out’… which work better and do not involve aggression.” However, depending on the circumstances, parents may device other methods that work for them if continuous or repeated ‘time out’ fails. Such could include, withdrawal of privileges, corporal discipline or Spanking, etc. Spanking could be applied for willful disobedience or defiance; for the purpose of eliminating folly, rebellion and disrespect for parents and constituted authorities. McGee writes Spanking should be used for obvious rebellion against authority. Proverbs 13:24 says to use a rod, a thin, flexible stick or switch which causes slight pain but doesn’t injure the child. Be careful not to use physical discipline for any and every given situation. As Children age, spanking should be used more sparingly, until it is no longer used at all. Godly discipline in a family will bring happiness and peace to the home (Proverbs 29:17); must be administered out of love just as our heavenly Father does to His children when they err (Heb. 12:6-7; Rev. 3:19).
- Explain your rules and decisions: When parents set rules, they also have expectations. These should be explained to children and ensure they understand why you have made such rules and decision. For example: If parents instruct their children not to go anywhere without informing them; they should explain to their children the importance of their parents knowing where they are at anytime. In case of any incident or if any mishap happens, parent should have an idea of where to find their children.
- Treat your child with respect: We earn respect. If you give respect to your child and other people, your child is more likely to return respect to you and other people. Steinberg advised, “You should give your child the same courtesies you would give to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he speaks to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Children treat others the way their parents treat them. Your relationship with your child is the foundation for her relationship with others.” Avoid outbursts of anger, one-shot discipline, verbal and physical punishment. These create negative self image in the child.