MARRIAGE SERIES 1: Prepare for marriage
[Table of Contents]
Chapter 1: Prepare to make a decision
1.1 Marriage is a choice
1.2 Is marriage still commendable?
1.3 Choosing a spouse
1.4 Is marriage for everybody?
1.5 Men and women are different!
1.6 God hates divorce.
Chapter 2: Prepare for Good marriage, Good family and Good society
2.1 Good marriage breeds good family
2.2 A healthy family stay married
2.3 Living in a safe place
2.4 The Psychology of a good married Relationship
2.5 Belonging [yoking] together
2.6 Responsible Parenting
Chapter 3: Prepare for Motherhood
3.1 The virtue of a Godly Mother
3.2 An excellent woman
3.3 Elizabeth – The Godly Mother
3.4 Deborah – A woman of Substance
3.5 The Pride of a Mother
3.6 The Living child is mine
3.7 Helpmate Spirit
Chapter 4: Prepare for Fatherhood
4.1 Responsible fatherhood
4.2 Celebrating Fatherhood
4.3 Appreciating Fathers
4.4 The Tax Collector [Publican]
4.5 Job, an Exceptional Father
4.6 Father command your children and Household
4.7 Compassionate Spirit
Chapter 5: Prepare for Relationship Management
5.1 Relationship, the core to marriage success or failure
5.2 Biblical view of Christian Marriage and money
5.3 Mutual Respect
5.4 Forgiveness – hallmark of wellness
5.5 Putting the pieces together
5.6 Find inside solutions to inside problems
5.7 Good players, bad team
Chapter 1: Prepare for a decision.
“Some pray to marry the man they love, my prayers will somewhat vary, I humbly pray to Heaven above that I love the man I marry.” Rose Strokes
Content:
1.1 Marriage is a choice
1.2 Is marriage still commendable?
1.3 Choosing a spouse
1.4 Is marriage for everybody?
1.5 Men and women are different!
1.6 God hates divorce.
1.1 Marriage is a choice
Our world and its surrounding events suggest that the most taskful problem facing mankind is that of choice. Mankind is faced with a variety of options that compete for our priority. Since God created mankind a freethinking agent, every human being has the freewill to choose between good and evil and the responsibility to do so. Peter Kreeft writing on Making choices opined “you will make three choices sometimes between your birth and your death that will change your whole life. There are: [i] the choice of a God to believe in [ii] The choice of a mate to marry and [iii] the choice of a career to work. Even if you choose not to work anything, not to marry anyone but you cannot choose not to believe in something. If it’s not the true God, it will be one of the society’s many false gods. Something or somebody has to be your number one.” Whatever choice one makes whether it’s inappropriate or wrong, it’s better than Agnosticism viewpoint of no choice.
Indeed in marriage as well as in life, choice is a crucial factor and an ongoing event. Jerold Aust writing on marital happiness for Good News Magazine opined “some of the choices we make actually create anxiety and disagreement while other choices make live noticeably happier.” Gone are the days God chose a wife for Adam. In this era, God has given us His wisdom [Jesus Christ] and the Holy Spirit as a guide, counselor and advocate. He helps us in our decisions and choices. Even though the wife, Eve was within Adam before and then married to her thereafter, their marriage still experienced problems. Adam blamed God for making that choice for him [Genesis 3:12]. It was not long the sons of God chose to marry the daughter of men. It repented [feel regret, grieved] the Lord that He made man on earth [Genesis 6:6] and thereafter allowed mankind choice of spouses. God possess an intense love for mankind and divine attentiveness to the plight of human race. Some in our society marry either through recommendation of friends or relations or chosen by parents. Some of such marriages work out on the long run while others collapse. They are held accountable for their choices.
In Christian marriage one is required to choose one spouse. Some make this choice without weighing the implications and consequences. It could turn out to be a wise choice or foolish one. It’s foolish when it’s based on infatuation, little or no knowledge or education pertaining to the institution, without thoughtfulness and most importantly taking such decision for granted. Some fail to realize that people are uniquely created and are different from one another, so do their choices differ. Others hold the misconception that since it was God’s designed and authored, it would be problem free. It becomes a wise decision when made diligently, with better understanding of the wisdom, purpose and rules of the institution; have faith that it’s a life long decision and workable. Even though you may not get all the indices right but trust God who instituted marriage to make it not only work but joyful.
We live in an age that the institution of marriage has been dangerously attacked especially in advanced world. Some laws seem to negate the interest of marriage. Folks want marriage but reject submission the same way they want the crown but not through the cross. Marriage without submission is chaos. There are struggles of leadership in such homes; most times innocent children are rubbed into the conflict, exposing them to unhealthiness. Some complain that their spouses are controlling. These rivalries most times cause misunderstandings and upset home peace. Reports on advanced world reveal about one in every two marriages end in divorce. Most of them had long time emotional hangover, just like gunpowder awaits fire. As often as these happen, the couples point accusing fingers at each other.
Some who migrate into the western culture and society are encountering problems with the marriage culture in advanced world, such as United States; it’s a cold war of two cultures. While the men insist on the headship vested on them by biblical culture, the woman protected by the laws of the land maintains they too have equal right to headship. Little surprised in this society most women head households; it’s a societal norm and tussles that cut across religious belief. Many of them have sour relationship held together by what people would say, children, financial coexistence and security, lack of sufficient muscle to call it quit as well as religious bondage. Since Christian culture frowns at divorce, some followers live lonely together; publicly they are respected husbands and wives but within themselves they are just cotenants living in pretends. Some relationships are so strained such that they talk to each other only in the public in cheerful deceit. Frankly, most these marriages crack beyond meaningful repairs yet they still share the same roof, perhaps waiting who has the muscles to fire the first shot. In advanced world divorce is a constitutional right but couples are encouraged to stay married.
Most people believe God created the union of man and woman out of his wisdom and plan but they enter into the institution without giving the Creator his rightful place. They only run to Him when they are caught up in troubles emanating from lack of adequate knowledge of the rules of the love-dance, not making Jesus the chairperson of their relationship or not abiding in Him. Good enough these troubles could bring them back to their senses and make them seek their Maker, the designer and originator of marriage institution and the silent listener of every home outcry.
God, the creator of the universe, the designer and institutor of marriage holds the union very highly. He established plans and rules to run the institution without which it would fail. These are contained in the manufacturer manual [the Word] placed at our disposal. The manual reveals how marriage should be entered into, run and managed as well as exit plans, if it becomes necessary. In it, God advised uncompromising adherence and abiding to the rules. Entering into marriage without first weighing its implications would chase one into conflicts. Those who dash into it unprepared get burnt and turn around to possibly blame God.
Funny enough, marriage is neither compulsory nor a temporary affair. For this reason Apostle Paul opined that it is good for one to remain unmarried, but to avoid immoralities associated with single’s lifestyle every one should marry [1Corinthians 7:1-2]. It means you can choose to remain single. But if you make that choice, ensure you live in decent and moral purity, void of fornication and resist sexual vices. That will keep you from contacting sexual transmitted diseases and also living a sanctified life.
The most important choice that any couple would make in marriage relationship is to put God first. Lack of God is lack of love, because God is love and he who abides in love abides in God and God in him [1 John 4:16]. After God follows spouse; there’s no competition and controversy between God and spouse. When God is given his right place, He provides wine to the feast, calms the storms and restores peace. Through reading the scripture and praying together couples discuss ways to nourish their relationship and serve each other better based on biblical principles. By so doing couples achieve joy in marriage and attains collective progress while unnecessary disagreements are eased off; closeness brings unity and oneness resulting to healthy relationship and home.
1.2 MARRIAGE IS STILL COMMENDABLE
In our world today, marriage is disintegrating and its values depleting, divorce rate is skyrocketing; gay marriages are instituted and getting unholy welcome while single parenthood had long gained general acceptance and becomes another way of life. The common law provision in some states supporting cohabitation for some months as constituting legal marriage does not help matters. The questions that often come to mind are: Is marriage still commendable? Is marriage preservation still relevant? In our world today, young people are happy single; they may cohabitate, make love, born and raise children but still single. Some enjoy rides together, countersign credit cards and lend money to each other, share in each other’s burdens but are not good enough to commit to one another; they seem to enjoy their freedom. Most folks perceive marriage as bondage and somehow old fashioned or something that has lost its values and dignity in this age. The young men are more skeptical of marriage than ladies. One young man decried: ‘at slightest turn you loose your freedom, treasure, property and children to a woman and get kick out. Boo, the laws of the land are in favor of women and more so marriage kills love.’ Could it be a wrong perception of reality or a deliberate avoidance of commitment? Are there indeed genuine and disturbing fears? These happenings are commonplace; very scary and disturbing.
Notwithstanding, biblical marriage is a union between two persons-man and woman, whereby they vow to be committed to sharing life together. This corporate existence is God’s designed and instituted for companionship, multiplication and fruitfulness, and nurturing life together. Because this union is God’s oriented, ordained and intended to transcend all human relationship it’s often perceived to be problem free. When couples are pronounced husband and wife, they have become one flesh, even though physically they are two persons; spiritually they are cleaved and glued into one. After God created mankind, He commanded them to have dominion, subdue, multiply and fill the earth. Human multiplication involved copulation of two opposite sex [not same sex relationship]. The scripture says, and then God caused a man into deep sleep and out of him made a woman whom He brought to man. Adam excitingly acknowledged, ‘This is now the bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.’ Adam named her woman because she was taken out of man and not ‘woo to man.’ It signifies that the first marriage was a union of a man and a woman who had existed within one body before and became one again after marriage [Genesis.2: 22-24].
Pastor T.D. Jakes wrote, “After marriage the two became one – a couple or a unit, working together, surviving together and striving together.” God intends that each couple remains dedicated to each other, through Him. Therefore marriage covenant is made with one’s spouse and with God at the center. God is the originator and designer of marriage relationship and in Him all the imperfections work perfectly for His pleasure and glory.
Marriage is honorable among all. Couples should respect and honor each other least their fires extinct. If marriage is to be honored it means it’s worthwhile, dignified and has a sure foundation. It’s not to be taken for granted or treated with lesser concern. It derives its definition and authority from God rather than contemporary cultural ideas. No matter what cultural practice is obtained, marriage is God’s idea, led and determined by Him. Also God who instituted it will judge immorality and unfaithfulness [Hebrews 13:4].
Jesus expressed the original intent of marriage when He said, “Don’t you know that in the beginning, the creator made them male and female? And for this reason a man shall leave his mother and father and joined to his wife and they become one person with his wife and no longer two. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate” [Matthew 19: 4-6]. Isn’t it therefore honorable to be married? Little wonder Proverbs 18:22 says: He who finds a wife finds a good thing and favor from the Lord. Whatever is honorable is commendable. God became a husband to Israel while Jesus has the Church as His bride and also He’s her Head. God spoke to the Children of Israel through Prophet Jeremiah: “marry and have children. Then let your children get married so that they also may have children. You must increase in numbers and not decrease [Jeremiah 29: 6]. For men to subdue and dominate the earth, they got to multiply and increase in number. We have to get married and raise children, teach them fear of the Lord and to obey His commandment, so as to possess the land, win and conquer the battles of life.
Marriage is not only honorable but marriage bed should be undefiled. Both couples should enter into marriage relationship pure and undefiled. Marriage should begin in marital bed; where the two come together naked in body and soul. The Institutor of marriage intended a pursuit of purity and newness. Couples were never to have had sex before marriage. That being the case, there was no basis to compare one person’s act of love with another; they would have no bad experience of past relationships. Whatever they do would be fresh and new [Leviticus 21:13-15]. Any act of impurity was punishable by stoning to death. Apostle Paul advised that it was good for one not to marry but to avoid the sin of immorality, let everyone marry and be subject to the laws of marriage and maintain sexual purity [1Corinthians 7: 2-3; Romans 7: 2-3].
It’s no surprise that Apostle Paul advised Church Officers to be faithful in marriage and be able to manage their household well. He also urged young widows to get married, have children and take care of their household so as to give our enemies no chance of speaking evil of them [1Timothy 3: 12; 5:14]. These injunctions are more relevant today than there were in the days of early Church. Our society enjoys sexual promiscuity and this act is invaded by AIDS, HIV and other incurable infectious diseases. In the Old Testament, sexual sins attracted punishment by stoning to death but in our days incurable sexually transmitted diseases stone the body and there are heaps of stones beside many hotels, motels and brothels. Despite the imperfections often experienced in marriage due to not heeding to the formula of mutual submission, mutual respect and sacrificial love, the word of God commend marriage as honorable.
Marriage has been so persecuted in our age than any other by same sex mates, broken vows, comparing and conflict relationships; experiences infected by sore past, infidelity and disease spreading yet those who put their faith in God and hold to the tenet of the institution, are like clay in porters hand. We may have been marred and damaged yet when we become renewed in Christ He cleans us again and by the power of the Holy Spirit put together the pieces and remolds us into perfect whole. Whatever one may be going through in marriage, it’s nothing for the designer to touch and heal. Only be willing to let go and sacrificially begin again. For marriage to be commendable it must be entered with commitment and determination to make it work, uphold and nourish it daily. From the start it must acknowledge God at the center, be treated as a priority and impute daily nourishment. Marriage is both honorable and commendable but the crown is obtained through the cross. That’s why people still believe in the institution and daily couples take the vows of togetherness, sharing lives and pursuing excellence.
1.3 Choosing a spouse
People are going through a lot in our world; some are hard to mention, others unbelievably doubtful and makes no sense yet its true and every day occurrence. For example: Marriages are collapsing; homosexual lifestyle getting popular salutation and married couples openly identifying with Swinging clubs. Divorce rate is steeply on increase; one of every two marriages ends in divorce in America and its associated problems begging for attention. A great number in marriage relationship are so frustrated that some want to jump out while those outside are zealously knocking for entrance, not knowing what to expect. Others are quick to say yes I do before thinking about what they said. Yet most young people look forward to getting married while single parents still hope in God for a second chance of catching, ‘Mr. or Ms. right’ loving spouse and getting married. As married couples go through the difficulties of understanding each other, some still wonder whether they made right choices. On the other hand the institution of marriage is daily rudely attacked by those who hate ‘real’ relationship. They live on feelings and sentiments; have regards for nothing meaningful.
Despite the attacks on this God-oriented institution, many people still believe in its place in human history and society. They believe that marriage is a relationship between man and woman. The underlying footstool is based on unconditional love and not infatuation. This belief opposes the opposite virtue of same sex marriage subtly created by Satan to further attack God, his institution and creation. Again most youths desire spouses in their lives. They look forward to dating and marring someone someday, as well as raising families. Parents are quick to ask when they shall expect their grand and great grand children. By getting married and raising a family, we bring forth children that increase the family and our communities as well as nations.
Some people get thrilled traveling to country of origin to get married while others prefer to choose spouse in their abode of residence. The latter should be encouraged because such choices give our children born and raised abroad the rare opportunity to be married to someone from their ancestral town and country. More so those born and raised abroad appear to understand the system better than those imported from home countries. For those who married outside their cities of residence, some spouses were hand picked by parents or some family relatives. These people did not have adequate courtship to know or understand who they were marrying. Some married out of infatuation or just to end the life of single. As couples come together and experienced the un-envisaged challenges of married life, some pause to wonder if they were to do it all over again, would they choose the same spouse? Some are quick to say yes in their mouths but probably no in their hearts. As a matter of fact those living as co-tenants already regretted ever getting married to one another.
Are you then surprised at the statement, “Single people are sad while married people are mad?” On the contrary, in today’s world a great number of singles claim to live happy while married people are mad and sad; quarrelling their way through anniversaries yet live in conflict. Because of all these problems some singles are scared going into married relationship. Many among them who are survivors of conflict homes where marriages were disasters carry those fears too far. Others in relationships that were shortened by divorce or separation still wear the pains and that affect their moving on. However some are quick to breathe sigh of relief saying, ‘thanks God it’s all over’; we have put that behind us and can now move on.’
When one reflect deeply on some of the issues confronting married relationship these days, a great deal is depended on choice. This is a serious cause for concern and very frightening too. Are you surprised many singles are consciously asking how do we know and choose the right spouse? It may not be easy to provide all the answers in this discuss, since experiences differ. However there are some crucial factors to consider. I stumbled on Focus on the Family publication of November 2005, Home Reference Guide where an expert, Dr James Dobson answered “what are factors I should consider before saying I do” and shall attempt to incorporate some of his opinions here:
1) Choose someone that you cannot live without; one you have great passion for, you can forgive before he/she says sorry without his/her saying sorry; who you like and love. Don’t choose one you think you can live with; you love but do not like. It should be one you like his/her fancies and frowning and of course always fun to be with. Not someone you barely try or struggle to be with, hoping it will get better. Perhaps you were just crazy about appearance and threw character to the air. You can’t stand his/her utterances, body disposition and negative behavior. You should better be mentally prepared to accept both good and bad, once you say I do.
2) Choose someone you can tolerate not someone you plan to change in future. You’ll soon find out that you can’t change anybody. You may end up biting more than you can chew. Human beings are complicated in nature. Do not play silly and get into unending troubles. Choose meticulously and sensibly.
3) Some people make impulsive choices; marry as if something was chasing them. They marry with little or no thoughts to what they do. Others choose because their age mates were getting married or just to get over it. An African adage says, the market that hurriedly assemble also disperse in the same manner. As they hurriedly say I do, the same way they say I don’t. Marriage is a critical life determined decision. It calls for careful thoughts and prayers. Before you say I do, seriously and meticulously walk through the early stages of bonding process. Do not allow infatuation to push you to what you don’t need; that may hurt you a lifetime. It is very easy to enter but difficult to quit especially where kids are involved.
4) Many youths move in with their prospects before marriage. As simple as shakings may appear they have complex consequences. You appear to run where you should walk, rush in what you should have for a lifetime. If you get free what you should’ve paid for there’s no hurry to commitment. It’s gotten by compromise; the same manner shall it hold. It’s an immoral behavior and a violation of Gods’ law. The couples are insensitive to God’s instructions. There are some Spiritual repercussions for such actions and should be avoided completely.
5) Some people enter into marriage institution ignorantly. They have no education or knowledge of what they have entered into. That is also reflected in their behavior and utterances. Some marry too young, thereby floating in instability and immaturity. When the wind blows they are uprooted without resistance. Many spouses lack exposure and have been living individual life. They find it hard to change to the real life of sharing when they get married. They need some coaching before attempting cooperate lifestyle. This situation could breed incompatibility and selfish lifestyle that could break the union.
6) Choose someone who shares the same faith with you; not just church goers. If you are a strong Christian don’t choose a moribund or weak person for he/she may help to draw you down. Be prayerful and carefully; open your spiritually eyes because some run into the church when they are looking for a spouse. That is very good but the bad news is that the moment they get hook up some backslide; they turn against and become worst than unbeliever. The Church used to be and still is a good place to choose from but do not be deceived for not all believers in the Church are true Christians. Some are agents of Satan and soon become internal enemies and accusers of brethren. Don’t marry unbelieving believer whose beliefs are only superficial and nominal.
7) Choose a spouse and not a partner who believes in life long relationship. One who shares most values you share: such as mutual respect and submission as well as willingness to honor spouse than oneself. One who will respect God’s provision of authority in marriage. Do not be deceived by physical attraction or character pretense. If you think that you may not get along, it’s dangerous to manage. Some couples are just husband/wives but their relationship never developed into friendship. Others live in competition instead of complementary. These dilemmas help to ruin intimate family life.
1.4 Is marriage for everybody?
Marriage is a perfect union designed and instituted by God before sin ever entered in our world. It was made to take place between a man and a woman [Genesis 2:18, 24]. Jesus re-emphasized this model in Matthew 19:5-6. Apostle Paul also directed that younger women should marry, bear children, guide their homes and give no one reason to be reproachful to them [1 Timothy 5:4]. The book of Hebrews describes marriage as honorable [Hebrews 13:4]. It’s the divine purpose that most people should get married. Little wonder the Lord said, “It is not good that a man should be alone; I will make a helpmate suitable for him” [Genesis 2:18]. Marriage laws are binding to couples as long as they live [Romans 7:1-3]. The vows should not be broken because God hate separation and divorce [Malachi 2:2]. Divorce is the evidence that Satan had subtly hindered God created institution. “There is nothing more special or sacred than to give of yourself completely to another person” Jennifer and Jason Barton – REDBOOK, June 2008.
However marriage is not for everybody. The designer and maker of marriage handed down guidelines and rules that will make it work. Negligence of the rules will frustrate it and make it either work under strain condition or crumble. You cannot drive on our roads without observing road signs. If you do, it will result to chains of disasters. It will be wrong to attempt to use a product without first going through the manufacturer’s manual and observe the safety and operating instructions. Apostle Paul exhorted that it’s good for a man not to touch a woman [1Corinthians 7:1]. But to avoid the sin of immorality, let every man have his wife and let every wife have her husband. If one does not marry and can keep away from sexual sin, it’s better because the person shall devote self fully to the Lord. Nevertheless, if one marries such shall have much troubles in the flesh; shall be engaged with thought of how to satisfy each other and raise good family while striving to serve the Lord [1 Corinthians 7:28-36].
Factors that could hinder good marriage:
I]. Some are Eunuchs: Literally, Eunuch is a man or boy whose testes are non-functioning or has been removed. Such a person may not be able to make babies and have no sexual drive. Others are those who are castrated or made impotent through spiritual wickedness. Jesus said, “For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men …….. [Matthew 19:12a].
One of the characteristics of living thing is to produce after its kind. Again God commanded man to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over all creation [Genesis 1: 31]. Little surprise the Psalmist said, “Lo, Children are a heritage of the Lord; the fruit of the womb is his reward……..happy is a man that has his quiver full of them…….. [Psalms 127:3-5] and read also Psalms 128:3.
2]. Celibacy: The American Heritage college dictionary defines celibacy as sexual abstinence especially for religious vows; it is also a condition of being unmarried. This is a very popular doctrine with the Roman Catholic Church where their priest takes the oaths of celibacy before ordination. Jesus teaches that there are eunuchs who have themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He, who is able to accept it, let him accept it [Matthew 19:12b]. This is a voluntary acceptance to remain unmarried [or be married to Jesus], to be set aside to serve God in His fullness.
3]. Self-centeredness: Literally self willed is willingness to adhere to one’s opinion or in satisfying personal desires. It could mean being stubborn and obstinate and do not care about other people. They are selfish in nature; the “Me-first” people. These people should not enter into marriage because it would not fit. Marriage is about sharing and serving each other selflessly; considering one’s spouse before you. These people will become a round peg in a square hole. They cannot demonstrate love in action and only give you what they don’t need. They are greedy, bossy and controlling as well as wicked.
4].Chosen Alternative lifestyles: These include those who do not live their lives or use their bodies for the traditional uses as God designed it. These people hold the truth of God in unrighteousness, profess to be wise in their minds and posses vile affection as well as change their natural uses to unnatural [homosexuals: gays, lesbians, partners of swinging clubs [Romans 1:22-32]. Others call themselves bisexuals and transvestites.
5].Mentally and physically immature: Marriage is not for those who are not matured. It is not for boys and girls or teens that are being spoon-fed by their moms. The Bible said, “Therefore shall a man [not a boy] leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh” [Genesis 2:24; Mark 10:6-9]. The people must be in readiness and have deeper understanding of what they enter; they must understand God’s provision and expectation for marriage. They should be responsible financially, emotionally and mentally as well as physically. No doubt, there are some adults who still behave like overgrown babies. They say one thing and mean another; cannot respect or keep commitment with spouse. They should be able to understand their strengths and weakness and bring them to bear. These people must fear God and preserve in faith; must be God’s children such that they could agree on a thing and God honor it.
6].Incompatibility: Literally to be compatible could mean capable of existing or performing in harmony, in agreement, or congenial combination. It also includes bonding, integration or cleaving together. It is better that couple should be compatible; even when they are not, they should attempt to work it out. Incompatibility could bring a lot of tension and strain on the relationship. Many couples, who may not be patient until it gets to the shores, throw in the towel half way; some among them remarry and fight their way through life, living lonely together. This type of marriage experience leadership conflicts, suffer decision tussles and delay and dirty infighting. It also affects the children raised under this atmosphere. I will advise against it.
I respect the opinion of those who have deliberately stayed out of marriage because they understand who they are and accept their weaknesses and deficiencies; maintain space for those who are not tolerant of their ‘me-first’ attitude. I honor men and women who have set themselves aside so as to devote their lives to worship and serve the God of heaven; they should be faithful in their callings and not mingled with worldliness[1 Corinthians 4:1-2]. ‘If a man purge himself from these he shall become a vessel unto honor, sanctified and meet for the master’s use and prepared unto every good work’[2 Timothy 2:21]. Also let the elder [Bishop] that rules well be counted worthy of double honor especially they who labor in the word and doctrine. The Laborer is worthy of his reward [1 Timothy 5:17-18].
1.5 ARE MEN AND WOMEN DIFFERENT?
“MEN HAVE SIGHT; WOMEN INSIGHT” – VICTOR HUGO
In our world, men and women interact in the family, at work and in Church, in sports and indeed everywhere. The scriptures tell us that God made a man from the soil of the earth; a woman out of the completed work of a man but every man is born by a woman. It is said, a man is physical and the world is his heart while a woman is emotional and her heart is her world. “Women marry men hoping they can change while men marry women hoping they will not………The differences between men and women have delighted and puzzled us throughout human history.” A woman was created with a child bearing body but a man was not [until the recent new age news of a pregnant man gives birth!]. This half truth can cause havoc in the minds of the young and the uninformed. “To deny uniqueness of the sexes and supplant God’s sexual ground rules with misguided struggle to swap roles or deny their existence altogether has serious consequences.”
One interesting lesson is that the Creator designed and built them with different strengths and weaknesses, resources and needs so that they can cleave together and to fit into each other; work together as a team. As a companion, one would therefore become a completion to the other and the strengths of one complements the strengths of the other. In Husband who won’t lead and wife who won’t follow, James Walker says, “And though it is God who is the ultimate answer to the deepest needs of every human, nonetheless He created male and female: man was made to lead, provide and protect; woman was made to respond, nurture and provide the moral influence of the society.” Our modern view of the role of men and women may have changed but the basic characteristics and built in sexual differences never changed. The more man try to design and build in uni-sex orientation and attempt to ignore God inbuilt gender differences, the more the differences cry for attention. The new found attitudes of independence, emotional detachment and self-sufficiency have put so many marriages and relationships on jeopardy, living lonely together and crumble.
The simply frankness and reality of our being is that deep down in each male and female there is a common longing: the desire to find comfort, companionship and fulfillment. Whatever differences that exist between a man and woman God designed it to meet His purpose: to created harmony and satisfaction among them. However, these differences have been misguided and mishandled; they have created fictions, frustrations, disharmony, competition and rivalry as well as strife and division. Writing in the Philadelphia Trumpet, April, 2009 on Understanding the opposite sex, Joel Hilliker says, “….each person you encounter present fresh challenges in how to behave without being misinterpreted or hurt. At times the complications of opposite – sex relationships capsize what actually could have developed into a deeper friendship – even a happy marriage. However God, the Creator had given us ground rules to make our relationship with opposite sex workable.” In His word, He prescribes the recipes for harmonized union with opposite sex. They work if known and applied timely.
First, understand the differences between a man and woman and know how to deal with them. Understand the signs of friendship; initiate and reciprocate transparency, mutual respect and submission. Serve each other selflessly. Concentrate on the strengths, not weaknesses. Do not try to change anybody; only God can. Wear daily forgiveness like dress and avoid freeze up; find daily appreciation in every event and trash the blames. Stop using your mate as a sign or mirror of performance and self-worth. The only mirror that will accurately reflect you is the unchanging word of God.
It may be politically insensitive to accept that men and women are different and marriage is between man and woman; even in the cost of loosing world titles and suffering hostility, disappointment and persecutions, God’s standard continues to hold up against the world’s false standards today. Let God’s be true and the world’s false; every disappointment and hostility brings God’s appointment and uncommon favor. Indeed we are different but made for a good purpose. Enjoy our differences and be thankful to God.
1.6 God hates divorce!
A story goes like this: In African country, a couple had sore relationship after years of marriage and the woman moved out with her four children of the union. She was lucky to open a business in a far city and became comfortable and successful. After years of separation, the woman brought members of her family and asks for dissolution. The man informed his family who in turn invited the community as both participants and witnesses. The wife told the gathering that she asked for dissolution of the marriage because her husband no longer loves her and asked to have the two girls of the four children. The husband was then asked his opinion. He thanked the community for gathering and surprisingly chose the wife, adding that she is her first investment in life and he still love her and had no intention of re-marrying. Marriage is described as the only investment one is accompanied by his parents, relatives and friends as well as community to do for the growth of the family and well being of the society.
At this point the dissolution ran into stalemate. Those who had gathered for dissolution turn out to become the reconciliation team. This is in line with the ministry of reconciliation that God gave us all believers [2 Corinthians 5:18]. The case ended and the couple worked out a new beginning. I appreciate the first move of the wife, the choice of the husband and the wisdom of the community. True love has a price tag; we must not feel reluctant paying it. We come to marriage not to find a perfect person but to learn to see an imperfect person perfectly. Marriage may appear a daunting task even as we experience unbelievable pressure, but we were created for relationship and made for intimacy; so we have to make it work. However, sometimes the reverse happens.
We are living in an age and time that witness rampant divorces. The sky rocketing of divorce rate in our society today has become nightmare for concern. People are quick to marry and divorce for various reasons; some flimsy, others deep rooted issues, branded irreconcilable differences. The scriptures describe them as hardness of heart. Some court for several years and married for months, and then divorce within a twinkle of an eye. These havocs we witness daily in our society, watched on TV programs and experience in our relationship and those of our closed ones. Divorce has become a way out of marriage deadlocks while it’s associated problems begging for our attention.
Divorce could mean separation, deform or severe of a relationship. When people divorce they part ways and become alienated from one another. They no longer share common bonds or mutual affection. It is the dead of relationship. Divorce is neither God made nor did the laws of God create or establish it. God detest divorce and never takes it lightly. As a matter of fact, though prophet Malachi God spoke explicitly on the matter. The Lord God of Israel says, “I hate divorce” [Malachi 2:16]. Divorce had it first entrance into the affairs of men in the Garden of Eden. Here Satan in a serpent body deceived our first earthly parents into disobeying God’s commandment. By so doing he created a barrier between mankind and his Creator and that was sin. But God who had foreknown that mankind would fail had a redemption plan in place. God fulfilled this plan by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. On the cross of shame, he defeated Satan, crossed out death, sin and sadness, repossessed what the enemy had stolen; broke the barrier created and reconciled man to his Creator.
Divorce was a common practice of the Egyptians. The children of Israel imbibed that lifestyle from their host and put out their wives at will. When they returned to Israel, they came to Moses and persuaded him to grant them permission to divorce their wives. Moses seeing the hardness of their hearts conceded to them, a near impossible permission, whereby only the highest court presided by Moses could issue such permit. The implication was that it could take several years before the highest court could hear, deliberate and decide on such cases, by which time the couples might’ve settled their difference or passed on. Even though Moses injunction did not encourage divorce but the children of Israel understood it differently. However the books of Ezra 9-10 and Nehemiah 13:23-27 urged the “men of the land” to put away their foreign wives married from among the Canaanites and Egyptians as means of national cleansing and attempt to revert to the covenant with God. Some Jews had continued in this practice even in Jesus day.
However it was to further buttress their chances and tempt Jesus that they confronted him about his stances on divorce. But Jesus answered “Don’t you know in the beginning God made them man and woman? That is why a man leaves his father and mother and joined to his wife and becomes like one person. They are no longer two people but one. He added what God had joined together let no man separate.” Jesus response supported preservation of marriage. They were grossed and then asked him: why then did Moses grant us permission to divorce our wives? Jesus again replied: it was because of the hardness of your heart [Matthew19:8]. It implies that even though God hates divorce but may permit it by means of concession because of unforgiveness [or hardness of human heart]. The Law of Moses established guidelines to reduced rampant abuse of marriage through divorce. The Israelites divorced their Jewish wives to take pagan wives or/and remarried in order to collect dowries.
There are three ways divorce could occur: spiritual, emotional and physical. Spiritual divorce occurs when the man [Spirit/image of God] in us is not link to God [who’s Spirit]. When the Spirit in us is so grieved that He becomes silence or inactive and does not control the body, all we do is fleshy. Emotional proceeds physical. Couples may be together but emotionally separated; their feelings and passion have been so hurt that they are distance from one another even though still together. They no longer care for each other and live lonely together. Physical divorce occurs where couples are physically separated; granted either by court of law or by unanimous agreement. These are few biblical grounds where divorce is permissible: (a) adultery [Matthew 5: 32; 19:9] (b) desertion of a Christian by an unbelieving spouse [1Corinthians 7:12-16]. Another contemporary reason that could warrant divorce is persistent physical and emotional abuse. However no matter on what grounds: immorality, desertion or abuse, none is an unforgivable sin.
Rather divorce is an acknowledgement that sin wreaks havoc in God’s design. Believe it or not, most times divorce may not be an answer to troubled relationship. Couples should give their relationship a priority and do not allow anything, I mean anything to come in between it. “Marriage is like an old classic car from the first day that needs a lot of time and attention. It’s always getting older, needing constant tuning. If parked unattended to outside and exposed to weather, it becomes rusty and decay and devalued. However, if properly maintained: kept in good repair, regular tuning, polishing; regular attention: check oil, water and gas levels, tires and alignments its increase in value and serve longer. You can’t ignore it and expect it to run smoothly. It’s also likened to wine beverage, the older the better. If you try to separate what has been glued or cleaved, it tears. Therefore strive to preserve the institution for the consequence of divorce is more than we can imagine. However, sometimes divorce like sin, is inevitable. It could be conceded where there are continuous abuses, lack of respect for each other and being wrong role model for the children and society. God hates sin and the same as divorce but loves human beings [mankind] in spite of our short comings and failings.
Chapter 2: Prepare for Good Marriage, Good family and healthy society.
Content:
2.1 Good marriage breeds good family
2.2 A healthy family stay married
2.3 Living in a safe place
2.4 The Psychology of a good married Relationship
2.5 Belonging [yoking] together
2.6 Responsible Parenting
“A fine wedding and the marriage license do not make the marriage; it is the union of two hearts that welds husband and wife together. – Unknown Author
2.1 Good marriage breads good family.
Pope John Paul II once said, “As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live.” As many couples take vows of marriage, they desire to have good marriage, wonderful and responsible families where love, mutual respect, commitment and unspoken sense of security exist. Some enter into marriage relationship with great optimism and expectations, but sooner had the honeymoon period ended than the couples began to feel sense of disappointment, dischantment and incompatibility. What must have gone wrong? Why sudden feelings of indifferences? Is it natural or could it be a failure on their part or an experience in the journey of togetherness. Some of the couples had baggages from their family upbringing ragging from the relationship between their parents, how issues were resolved, decision-making, and response to incidences as well as the challenges of mutual respect and communication. These baggages could run couples into conflict and crisis that if not properly handled may end the union. So they should be prepared to make adjustments, choices and compromise on issues.
However, good marriages just don’t happen. There are deliberately cultivated and nurtured over times. These take hard work and commitment on the part of couples. A good family starts with good parent. Couples should first decide what they want, how to get it done, who does what, how issues are resolved and how to handle finances etc. One great decision is to leave behind what their various parents and families were doing and evolve a new culture and way of life. Most importantly they need to inculcate new sets of values, better communication skills and give God a place in their union. They must be committed and willingly serve each other, respecting their opinions as well as accepting their differences. These could be obtained through observing faithful mentors and other good parents. They should willingly visit experienced Christian counselors, if need be.
Before couples get married they should attend marriage counseling session, where experienced counselor would examine their backgrounds and goals to determine the probability of good marriage. This happens early in courtship. Recent statistics reveal that very few couples make this choice. Most people neither consider this option due to ignorance or negligence nor court sincerely.
Many married couples got into the union without thinking about the demands of marriage relationship. Some married because their age and school mates were also marrying or were persuaded by parents so as to have grandchildren timely. Again in some culture, marriage symbolizes coming of age and becoming responsible.
In some culture and circumstances, some people chose neither their spouse nor had the privilege of courtship. Their parents, relations, or mentors had already hand picked some ladies thereby limiting their choices. Worst still these folks have little or no time to examine and know who they get married to. The only option that prevailed would be to quickly get marriage and return to America or Europe within the limited time allowed by employers and of course to work and pay bills already due.
Whether they respect each other or are compatible are no initial factors. Sometimes most arranged marriages work where the couples were trained in marriage values and trust God to make it work. They may not know what was needed to nurture and nourish the union, but they believe in each other and determined to share life together. More so both couples are representing their families in the union, to maintain the covenant that existed from the days of their great grand parents, keep the family reputation and raise children that will together uphold their culture and tradition. They believed in the sanctity of marriage and were willing to pay the price of togetherness. They had to make it not only work but gradually galvanized into healthy marital relationship.
How would you expect a strong family that share great values when the marriage is torn apart or exist in conflict and crises? We are quick to blame it on the now generation and their behavior, when indeed they learnt from the parents. The children speak trash because their parents speak trash. The children are insulting and abusive because their parents raise voices at each other. They fight at school and public places because they watch their parents resolve issues by fighting. When a man get married, it’s to have a helpmate who would share life’s aspirations and family values with him; together they raise a family and inculcate great values in them. But regrettably what is obtained these days is to have a competitor who does not believe in collective growth and success but on individual achievement and pride. This negates the purpose of marriage. How can good children be raised under that atmosphere except by God’s intervention?
Most children have never seen their parents spend quality time together. They never experienced time together except one that ends in quarrel or fight or raining abuses on each other. Are you surprise that we are raising a generation that never experienced peace, love and patience? All they know is to war against each other. The saying for every successful man there is a woman and vice versa applies in turmoil. Where are the supports we owe one another? What we see are couples that brand their spouses failures while they boast their individual achievements. For you that call your spouse stupid, you are married to a stupid person. Also those that brand their spouses failures, no matter how loud they blow their trumpets of successes are also failures. Marriage is a relationship for collective success and achievements. No amount of individual success can compensate for the lost of collective achievement.
When couples say marriage vows, they are committed to each other. That commitment and covenant entails working willingly with each other, solving their problems together, making necessary changes if necessary to strengthen their marriage and making each other better individual and the couple a better whole. Catharine M. and Joseph A. Garcia- Prats writing on ‘Good families don’t just happen’ opined “you can’t build a marriage by fulfilling most of your needs outside the relationship. Time together allows the relationship to develop and mature.” The vow is for better and for worst. Sharing your feelings and frustrations with outsiders may not solve the problems, even though it could for a moment ease internal stress – the malady causing the death of most men living in other cultures.
Good communication with one’s spouse and sharing feelings help to strengthen relationship and build good marriage. Talking to each other keeps couples connected and enable them share their daily experiences. Unfortunately most couples build barriers against each other. They chat with other people on cell phones and by e-mail but have nothing to talk with their spouses. It could be because of already stained relationship or some entered into marriage relationship with poor skills learnt from their families and peer groups. Unfortunately the language that was accepted by your parents and peer groups may not work with your spouse. If our marriage must work we need to determine to change that pattern and develop new ideals. The way couples communicate with each other is the same way they communicate with their children. That is observed in children when they respond to their parents, teachers and relate with peers as well as other people. You cannot run down your spouse before your children or in the public and expect respect from them. When you oppose or openly criticize one another before your children that leaves the children with the impression that you have no respect or regards for each other; they no wise would have respect for both of you. Respect happens to be the core of good communication. Any good marriage must maintain high level of respect and close communication to thrive.
Erich Fromm writing on ‘The Art of Loving’ states, “To love somebody is not just a strong feeling, it’s a decision, it’s a judgment, it’s a promise.” In effect, to love someone is a continuous decision and ongoing choices. This love needs to be reaffirmed each time; it’s a learned behavior. Even though this attitude may not be popular in some cultures but it’s a value that we ought to learned and practice just like we’ve learnt to wed in Church after traditional marriages. It’s necessary to mention that reaffirmation of love is not meant to be initiated by one sex. Most couples that desire to hear I love you do not initiate it; they wait for the other partner to say it all the time. That makes no sense. Some only reaffirm their love during anniversary celebrations. That’s for showmanship. The ‘me-first’ philosophy does not give room for good relationship. The willingness to shift grounds, adapt and adopt changes enables couples to grow from one experience to another. They learned in each experience a little more about each other and realize how compromise and working together strengthens and enrich love and marriage relationship. It’s therefore important to strive to maintain good marriage since it breed good family and healthy nation.
Happy marriage is rooted in sacrificial love. The Garcia-Prats also said “Love therefore is the ingredient of good relationship and brings forth happy home where children are raised in love and they develop habits of walking in love of God.” This love fosters good life, harmonious home and enduring relationship. Happy families do not always connote marrying someone who is compatibles with you. You could be different people ideologically but are prepared to subject to one another, learned to work out things little by little, adapt to one another and also learned to value your differences. I’ve often over heard people arrogantly say, ‘you can’t change the way I behave because that’s the way I was created; you may not like it, that’s your fault.’ These folks believe everyone should accommodate their behaviors and see things from their own perspectives. Specifically I heard a wife say to the husband, ‘if you don’t like what I do, quit and stop complaining, after all I did not force you to marry me.” These outbursts do not give room for adjustment. It portrays a complete ignorance of the demands of marriage and good family life.
The scripture admonishes couples to submit [or subject meaning adoption] to each other. It further instructs wives to subject to their husband as unto the Lord; husband to love their wives as Christ love the Church [Ephesians 5: 21ff]. Subjection becomes a command and religious obligation. How can a wife ever claim to be subject to God she does not see when she has turned her husband to a doormat; disrespect him whom she had vowed herself to love and cherish for life. Again no husband can claim to love God whom he has not seen when he hates, hits and abuses his wife – the love of his life. The scripture does not teach that marriage is cheap and easy. Indeed love involves a lot of sacrifice to work. It’s beyond infatuation, courtship and honeymoon. It’s a life long commitment and involves ongoing choices, adjustment, concession and adoption.
In November 2005 edition of Men’s Health Magazine, the University of Michigan Researchers submitted, “Women tend to automatically associate sex with submission. Amy Kiefer, PhD opines the more that women reports adopting a submission sexual role, the less they could express their opinions and desires during sexual activities.” In biblical times it was the submission to her head [the husband] and the Lord Jesus whom she worshipped that lead Sarah to call Abraham, ‘my Lord.’ Our generation rejects submission but propagates Eros – sexy love. When submission exists in marriage, the children learn from what they see and put it into practice. This good relationship breeds good families. However when people go into marriage with selfish mindsets, they hold to their individual ways inside a corporate setting. Even though they are married and stay under the same roof, they’re simply living lonely together. The mindset of selfish people is stupid; they are never happy because they live in conflicts. A house divided against it shall collapse. Some were built on sand without a solid foundation and it’s a matter of time before they give way. Two cannot move together except they agree. That’s why many married people live like co-tenants. The scary thing is that their children may end up living like them and the hurricanes keep coming. Little surprised that Apostle Paul wrote, ‘love does not insist on its own right or its own way. It’s not self seeking’[1 Corinthians 13:5].
What’s baffling is that many Christians claim to love the Lord but neither attempt to keep his commandment nor love their neighbors. They may not complain about their marriages but are grieved with their spouses and grudge against the family. We sing God of love but learnt nothing of the unselfish nature of God’s love and grace. It’s this unselfish nature that took Jesus to the cross to die for those who hated and rejected him. Unselfish couples give in to one another and look for ways to live happily together. Even though our spouses are human and imperfect, God commands us to subject to one another. The submission Apostle Paul called for is in reference to Christ. When we come to Christ we learn to love and yield to each other in reference to Christ. The word submission has been expunged from the bibles of many hurting couples even though it still stirs at them and alive. Submission is not a sign of weakness, as many perceive but a sign of maturity and mutual respect. It gives opportunity for discussion, expression of opinion and learning from one another. Let us do away with self-pride that was once crucified on the cross and seek for things that holds the marriage together; these result in good marriage and family.
Good families don’t just happen; they are worked out. They evolve in subduing, overcoming many challenges and having better understanding of the dance of togetherness; make right choices towards it. You have to pay the price, let go the past and humbly lay down prides while pursuing the goal. An African adage says, “What you will sacrifice to stop an elephant from entering the farm is far less than the cost of what the elephant shall destroy when it enters the farm.”
2.2 A Healthy Family Stay Married
A Healthy society spring up from a healthy family. A healthy family is where mom and dad live and rear their children in love. A healthy family is where couples are happy and secured; they bring into the relationship their various strengths and weaknesses, determined to make them work for good. The foundation of a good family is a strong, secured marriage. The couple must have love and commitment for each other; treat each other with mutual respect, acceptance and willing to relish each other’s shortcomings [weaknesses]. They must have God in the centre of their relationship, strong belief in His saving grace and sufficiency in all they do; whether it’s in rough times or good times, they raise their children and deal with other members of the family as well as the society in love and sound mind.
However, two strong elephants have invaded the farm yard of good marriage and caused insurmountable damages that is costing the society a great deal to fix. They are divorce and fatherlessness. These have caused not only break down in original family structure as invented by God, the creator but also causing threats to the future family well being as well as the society and nation. The divorce rate has suddenly surged upward; juvenile delinquency and unwanted pregnancy become common features of our society. The crime rate is on the increase, abuse in marriage a common feature; our children suffer depression, earn poor grades at schools and drop outs. On the other hand, many families are struggling to live without father’s presence while the associated consequences cry for urgent attention. For these reason we urged couples to stay lovingly married, to avert the problems arising from separation, divorce and fatherlessness. Don’t forget that good families don’t just happen; it’s achieved through hard work.
The following features are elements of good marriage:
God’s design and Institution: The key to good and secured family rest on the foundation of God and His word. God designed and instituted marriage to reflect his relationship with the church and prepare mankind for immortal relationship in eternity. The purpose God created human beings [male and female] in his image and likeness was for blessing, multiplication, fruitfulness and to have dominion [Genesis1:27-28]. It was not God desire to keep man alone. That is why He made a helpmate, companion to complement and help man in his daily endeavors [Genesis 2:18]. For marriage to be successful, it needs undivided commitment to God. God becomes in-separatable part of any marriage and good family that then depend on Him for sustenance and guidance in living and in rearing their children [Deuteronomy 6:5-7]. Couples should study, meditate daily on the word of God, worship and praise and offer prayers to Him in the name of Jesus. They should teach their children their God and beliefs; attend a bible believing Church with them. “A family that prays together stays together.”
Become one: God instituted marriage on the bases of two becoming one [Genesis 2:24-25]. For this reason a man leaves his father and mother, cleaves to his wife and becomes a couple, a unit and one. Even though they are two physically but are united to share life as one. This is an area where many couples have failed to fully understand the working together in God’s wisdom and fulfilling His requirements. To stand before God and crowd of witnesses and promise to be cleave to each other; to love and abide in good and bad times; then turn around to play feeble is folly on anybody. Building a loving, lasting and fulfilling relationship calls for strong commitment and constant effort on the part of both spouses. It takes love, mutual respect, trust and compromise; open and good communication, sharing goals, values and acceptance of each other as well as willing to forgive always. Becoming one entails standing against influence of families, peer groups, old friends and past experiences. Both must be willing to be opened [naked] to each other. Most especially couples need quality time together to develop and nurture their relationship.
Unconditional Love: To love your spouse is a daily decision and promise. It’s not based on what the person does, weight, height or failings. However, good behavior lightens the burden. There’s no marriage without a conflict; no relationship without disagreement. Some conflict shall never go away because marriage is a union of two imperfect people. In his book, unconditional love, John Powell says, “weathering the storms of the love process is the only way to find the rainbow of life.” Couples should be quick to resolve conflict. “The process of forgiving is different but it’s essential in a loving relationship.” We should be able to ask and give forgiveness. Some spouses have no forgiveness in their dictionaries. They keep malice and grudges; live week after weeks holding resentments against each other. Life is a journey – that will cause you to grow and mature. Forgiveness will stretch and strengthen you. When bitterness and anger flare up, let go those feelings to the Lord and let God help out. A parent who harbors resentment towards the other spouse will transfer same to the children. The Bible commands men to love their wives as Christ love the Church; wives to honor and reverence their husbands. However it takes God’s grace to love unconditionally. Only God loves, when we are unlovable.
Mutual Submission: Submit to one another out of reference for Christ [Ephesians 5:21]. We are living in a society where submission is looked on with ‘gender prejudices’ and misrepresentation. Chauvinism is the antitheses of submission and God’s love. Apostle Peter urges wives to be submissive to their husbands, so that if any of them does not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of the wives……… [1 Peter 3:14]. In Romancing your husband, Debra White Smith says, “Submission is influence, submission is beauty, submission is of great worth to God. It’s also the key to your husband’s heart and the avenue through which romance will flourish.” It’s also the key [not nagging] of heightened romance and excellent sex.” She adds, ‘When it comes to sex, submission is electric; when it comes to romance, submission is magic. Submission is unconditional love in action. A wife who experiences this kind of love for her husband is eager to meet his needs. Their men in response to wives striving to meet their needs open their hearts and envelope their wives in love and submit to their needs. One of the most powerful acts one can accomplish in one’s marriage is submission. It’s not weakness; it’s an act of inward strength that will revolutionize a marriage. Submission offers husbands the security they need to completely release their hearts to their wives.
Multiply and Fruitfulness: ‘Didn’t God make you [husband and wife] one body and Spirit with her? It was that you should have children who are truly God’s people……….’I hate divorce’ [Malachi 2:15ff]. When God created man and woman and cleave them together in marriage, He charged them to multiply and fill the earth [Genesis 1:27-28]. God’s design and creation was that children would be reared and raised by two parents [male and female]. Mom and dad parent differently. While moms care and nurtures children, dads develop skills that help them face the world around them. Studies have shown that children raised by active involvement of two parents [male and female] are emotionally secured, balanced and matured with full personality. These children grow in love, secured, healthy and in fear of God. They become healthy family, good society and nation.
Selfless Service: The purpose of coming together in marriage is to love each other and offer oneself selflessly to the other. ‘True self love is different from selfishness. Selfishness ends in the self; true-self love is integrated with a desire to love and serve God and others.’ When you become conscious of self and practice me-first behavior, then you’re selfish. You think highly of yourself and care little or nothing about your spouse. A Christian behavior should flow in JOY =Jesus, others and you.
Controlling factor: “There are very few men who would want a drill sergeant for a wife.” Men as well as women dislike controlling partners. Men abhor living with domineering wives and women dread controlling mates. Unfortunately many marriages are nothing more than a battle ground for power. This is disillusioned. A woman who tries to control her husband can in no way respect and revere him. The same also is of a man who tries to control his spouse; he neither respects nor loves her. Laura Doyle opines, “If you trust him and respect his ideas rather than trying to control, that frees and empowers him to be all he can be in all his relationship including marriage. Doyle further says, “Until you stop trying to run his life, you’ll never know what it’s truly like to be married to your husband…..” If he feels dis-respected, his natural instinct to provide, protect and adore his wife is derailed….” Debra smith says, ‘one of the signs that respect is dying or has never existed is when attempting to control the other person creeps in.’
2.3 LIVING IN A SAFE PLACE [HOW SAFE IS YOUR HOME?]
Many people have different views about safe place. Some think of safe place as a location, while others relate it to being sensitive with private thoughts where one is comfortable to open up with his/her inner mind. It could be what the person is struggling with and shared experiences and learn new insights others bring to the table. A place or group could be where you are secured and free to converse; enjoy healthy behaviors and not afraid to accept different viewpoints or constructive observations. A safe place is where one is physically secured; protected from intimidations, provocations, backbiting, terrors and even death.
Factors that can help make a place secure are:
God’s presence: A safe place is where God is present; His presence reveals His love and mercy, satisfaction, fulfillment and security. In His presence, you are loved unconditionally. You can fall severally and still have the opportunity and privilege to rise up and continue your walk; yet you are not seen as a failure. You have the warmth embraced of acceptance and feel loved and desired, protected and secured. The Garden of Eden was a safe place for Adam and Eve. There, God planted a garden on earth, put Adam and Eve to live and tend; enjoy all its richness – uncontaminated air and atmosphere, vegetations and healthy fruits grown from the soil. The tree of eternal life was in the garden and also the tree that gave ability to differentiate good and bad things was equally there [Genesis 2:9]. They had supply of water from the rivers; where they obtained gold, onyx and sweet smelling resin. These rivers help to water the ground and make things fruitful.
One God: Adam and Eve did not only recognize the presence of God of heaven but worship and submitted to Him. They had such a closed relationship that God visited the garden often to see them. They sense His presence when He’s around and heard His voice when He spoke. There was something in them that brought them and God together: the image and the likeness of God in them. Couples should believe in one God and associate with one Church. They put their faith in God and build their union around Him. They should stop giving the enemy a place, listening to subtle opinions of enemies, less they take advantage of and devour them just as Satan did to Eve, who influenced Adam against God’s commandment [2 Corinthians 2:11].
Hard work and preservation: The Lord God put man in the Garden of Eden to work and till its soil; dress it and preserve it [Genesis 2:15]. God instructed him to work hard to beautify it and keep it; to cultivate and harvest its yields. In His infinite wisdom, God provided Adam a helpmate suitable to him; a companion and completion to warm him up and share his burden, to help fulfill His purpose. Then Garden of Eden became God’s made home for Adam and Eve; secured and saved. God Almighty visited them there often to have fellowship and interaction. Also, Satan, a malignant reality and formidable foe, visited them there. An enemy visits a safe place but should not be accommodated or tolerated. He’s an adversary, always hostile to God and God’s people; comes to steal, destroy and kill. Satan works on information you availed him or obtained somewhere.
Discipline and Limit: For a home to be safe and secured, especially where we have more than a person living therein, we must have some rules and regulations to guide human behaviors. These are also called boundaries and limits. In the garden, God was so generous and considerate that He issued only a command: “You can eat the fruits of all the trees in the garden but you shall not eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil; for if you eat it, you shall surely die” [Genesis 2:16-17]. God understood human nature, the curiosity in our inner beings towards unknown and restrictions. He kept in check, ‘a no-no rule’ to restrain our behaviors and actions. Where there shall be mutual respect for one another, there must be discipline and order; and willingness to observe and obey it. Nobody should be exempted, for it shall cut across all board; it was critical for preservation and good living. There was a grave consequence for disobedience; it was disharmony and spiritual death. For the same safety reason, one driving on our roads is required to have and carry a driving license or learner’s permit; follow the traffic directions and observe road signs. When ignored, we run into avoidable accidents, chaos and some resulting into death.
Togetherness and Belonging: To help a man tend and keep the garden and alleviate his loneliness, God said, it was not good for man to be alone. I will make him a helper who was just right and suitable for him [Genesis 2:18]. God then caused Adam into deep sleep and out of his rib made another human being; brought her to Adam who excitingly called her woman and later named her Eve. The name was for easy and better identification. Adam named everything including Eve and they all know who named them. Naming was also for reference and belonging. Whatever name Adam gave them, they bore [Genesis 2:19-20]. In our society, every person has a name and evidence of identity, either certificate of birth and Personal Identity or Driving License, or/ and Passport.
Oneness: Couples must become one and united because unity is strength; collective progress is a way forward in a team or group. It galvanizes the group and gives them sense of belonging and being owned as well as sharing value and common goal.. The scripture said for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they become one, a unit and a couple [Genesis 2:24]. Oneness takes away fears, doubts and misgivings. This is different from living lonely together. You must insist on doing things together – eat, bathe, sleep, pray and study the bible as well as outings, visits, evangelism and Church worship together. I would recommend joint account for couples for it helps to understanding family finances and discipline in spending; it also helps to cement, secure and build trust and commitment in the relationship.
Transparency: Both of them were naked and were not ashamed [Genesis 2:25]. Couples should be transparent and open to each other; have no secrets, no hidden agenda and no fears sharing anything with each other. They have open and uninterrupted channel of communications. One is the priority and mirror of the other. They share same values and maintain mutual submission; understand and keep their boundaries and limits. Maria Guthrie writing on Best friends Forever in www.Christianitytoday.com advised, “To increase familiarity and openness, couples should plan occasional unstructured outing such as dinners, games or movie nights.”
How saved and secured is your home or union? Is your home a safe place? Or is it a hostile environment, where God is denied prime place and the values we cherish undermined? Is it a place where one bosses the other and couples live in conflicts and competition? Most importantly, couples that pray together stay together; are both couples living joyfully or like co-tenants and people living in fears and bondage. Do you sleep in one house but in different bedrooms; keep hidden relationship and bank accounts for selfish transactions? Do people outside know you better than your spouse? Do you have mutual respect and submission for each other?
We must learn to adopt the power of living together as couples to share life selflessly, our struggles and faith. This is how to make our living saved and secured. “When you develop an atmosphere of acceptance, marriage becomes carefree joy and solemn contemplation. Be creative in thinking and create fun ways to communicate with your spouse.” Guthrie said, we often try to show that as husband and wife we respect each other yet we may have different views or communication approach. It is important to be a team and not let our marriages get caught up in any unhealthy behavior of specific couples or the group.
It will be good if you will stop comparing our spouses with other people or talking down one another. Every person is created in a unique way to meet God’s purpose on earth. Do not forget that marriage is a union of two imperfect people who look unto God for His perfect will and purpose. Try not to always hammer on your spouse weaknesses but appreciate strengths and find ways of helping him/her improve or be of utmost value. Do not forget to show appreciation for good things and kind gestures done to you. It’s better than focusing on past wrongdoings. By so doing you will help to secure and strengthen your union; make it a success. Make your home love safe.
2.4 THE PSYCHOLOGY OF GOOD MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP
In our age and time, most marriage relationship are legally together but emotionally and mentally divorced. The couples may be admired for staying together through years, when in reality their relationship is waned. They put on smiling faces in churches and at public outings but this is simply cheerful deceit. The romance flame is dim while sex is epileptic at will, if not completely shut down. Most women use sex as a tool to seek for affection or control while men counterparts lack romance in their dictionary. According to Gary Smalley in “Love is a decision,” women are relationship oriented. “Women have a built in relationship manual…. A wife is a gold mine of relational skills”. Debra White Smith in ‘Romancing your husband’ said women have a thermometer that constantly measures the statues of their marital relationship. If their relationship is going well, then romance and sex will be excellent. If the relationship is ill then the romance dwindles and sex is infrequent or totally withdrawn. A lady once said ‘I could give excuses of having headache, pains and weakness or not in the mood.’ Most men pay little or no attention to women’s feelings and understanding their ever unfolding nature and world. A young man opined, ‘I too give excuses of work, weakness and illness.’ Funny world we live in! God gives, devil steals, kills and human hoards.
Willard F. Harley Jr in ‘His needs, her needs,’ said that while a woman’s first need in marriage is affection, a man’s first need is for sexual fulfillment. Another school of thought, Gary and Barbara Rosbery opined that both husband and wife’s first need is for unconditional love and their second needs are sexual for men and emotional intimacy and communication for women. Most women would tell you that their husband is less romantic while the men would wish their wives were more sexual. Dr Ross Campbell teaches that a woman has a difficult time initiating love for her husband when she feels the husband is not supportive in areas of family life, emotional and otherwise. The same is true of the husband family responsibility. He wants to know that the wife is ready and willing to help. A woman feels cheated to assume responsibility because her husband simply ignored it. That could make her feel insecure and uncomfortable in responding to his love. A husband feels willing to go extra miles, work over time for a wife he feels love and respect him; present him well to the children as a spring rock of authority and head. A wife can be wonderful at accepting love initiated by her husband amplifying it manifold and reflecting it to her children. Most women expect the man to take responsibility of initiating love. In response they return to them a priceless love, rewards and appreciation. These priorities must be set right. Of interest wives are more competent in the area of their love, caring and identifying emotional needs in men and children. Men desperately depend on their wives’ help in leading them in this relative foreign world of feelings. The woman must be careful to exclude badmouth and nagging since these deflate man’s inspiration to take responsibility and be sensitive to the wife’s needs as well as the children. I’m yet to see a man who loves his wife and hate the children.
Debra Smith observed that it’s very easy for a woman who feels emotionally cheated by her husband to stop meeting his sexual needs. After the woman stops meeting her husbands’ needs, the man in turn would decline to meet his wives emotional needs for romance. The cycle continues in a downward trend until the marital relationship is non existent. This could result into living like cotenant and divorce brings the marriage to a halt. Debra condemned this odd behavior and encourages couples to follow the golden rule. “Do unto others what you wish them do unto you in everything. Give and it will be given unto you…forgive and you would be forgiven [Matthew 7:12; Luke 6:37-38].
Simply avoiding doing evil to others does not mean that a person is doing good. In the same view a woman or man may not do evil to each other but are passively ignoring or depriving his or her needs. When couples scorn their spouses in their needs for each other, they are living against the golden rule, ridiculing them for the need God placed within each other. Debra opines, ‘When your husband makes erotic suggesting by touches or words, towards sex, he’s treating you the way he wants to be treated. By this behavior he entreats his wife his needs…… If romance is what a woman needs, she should pour romantic synergies into her marriage. She should not wait to say it’s my husbands’ duty to romance me. By so doing she stops yearning to be romanced and step up to lay hold what belongs to her. She could set the motion by dropping him a text message or love note taped on his car steering or make candle lit dinner just for him; no complaining or murmuring. Even if at first your husband wasn’t romantic after a time the strong flame of your love shall sweep him in. On the same note, men can make their wives look forward to making love. Men could provoke that by making calls and thanking her for yesterday, stopping by shop to pick a little thing to show concern for her and children. The woman feels appreciated and loved.
Apostle Paul urges Corinthians saints, {1 Corinthians 7:3-5}”the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body doesn’t belong to her alone but also her husband. In the same way, the husbands’ body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent. Meeting the marital needs of our spouses is obedience to Gods commands and a choice we must make daily. It’s a priority and should not be neither compromised nor denied, by this way we build intimate relationship and good marriage that endures.
2.5 BELONGING [YOKING] TOGETHER
Recently, I attended a Church Anniversary Service of The Assembly of the Living Word. It was a spirit filled service and well attended by ministers and God’s people. An out of town preacher/ prayer warrior took the center stage and divided the word unadulterated. Of interest, the under-shepherd introduced a couple, one a Christian and the other a Muslim. They attended the service and from the look of things, they are happy belonging together. I do not know the couples but believe there must be something that has kept them together as a happy couple. I pondered in my heart: a Christian married to a Muslim and they live happily? You’re kidding me! Are they equally yoked? While Muslim doctrines regard non-Muslim as an infidel Apostle Paul warns Christians, “Do not be yoked with unbelievers” [2 Corinthians 6:14]. Is it something worth our concern, at a time many marriages are failing? Some who are existing live lonely together [as co-tenant], fighting their way to survival. Others have betrayed their mates and in disappointment and retaliation, resulted to murder cases that become headlines in the news media, we read and wonder.
That reminds me of the article I read in TODAY [The Family Altar] of Wednesday, May 21, 2008. The first paragraph read, “Years ago when talking to a Christian who had married to a non-Christian, I asked, “Is it difficult to be a Christian when you are married to a non-Christian?” Her answer has stayed with me throughout my ministry. She said, “It almost impossible. We are totally different tracks. When I want to go to Church, he has other plans for us. When I try to do my devotions, he walks away.” Should this be a cross board experience? Recently, about two months ago, in a company of a close couple, I walk into a Christian woman who was married to a Muslim. I asked her how about your husband? She replied we no longer lived together; I have filed my divorce papers. How long did you marry? She answered six months. Why did you marry a Muslim in the first place? She said I thought he loved me. I asked again, what was it like marrying a Muslim? I quickly observed that her mood changed and her face turned bloody; perhaps trying to recall the agonies of the failed union. She showed us part of her face and arm where she suffered bruises because of abuses resulting in incompatibility and attempting conversion into Muslim and forced to live a Muslim lifestyle. Could an infidel live happily with an unbeliever?
Experiences have shown that most of such union neither work nor end well. Care about scriptural injunction against unequally yoking? Here are some outlines that could make marriages workable. Both couples must hold some belief: in one God or in cultural gods of Satan. Their belief gives them the inner source of joy in the midst of life’s challenges; guide their attitudes and actions towards each other and other people. They must love for it covers everything and have the commitment to make their marriage work, their differences not withstanding. The couples should have mutual respect for each other and observe equal limits and boundaries. They allow each person become as much masculine or feminine as one is made to be. They should work as companion and not competitor; make each the priority of the other as well as the mirror. Couples must create quality time for themselves and maintain openness in communication and in finances; must resist the temptation of keeping secrets from each other but attempt doing things together. Finally they must compliment and show affection to each other as well as grow from just being a couple into best friends. These qualities could help couples overcome barriers created by other inhibitions such as: race, religion, class and past ugly experiences. Make it work for you and you will enjoy belonging together. Welcome to the season of favor and good tidings.
2.6 Responsible Parenting:
Wilfred A Peterson once said in practicing the art of parenthood, ‘an ounce of example is worth a ton of preachment.’ The old philosophy, “Do as I say, not as I do” does not hold water anymore. Our children do what they observe us do. In effect our children mirror what we do and practice them. Catherine Musco Garcia- parts and Joseph Garcia Prats in good families don’t just happen opined, “Children are always watching us-the adults and can easily spot hypocrites and discrepancies.” They further said, “If we want our children to be responsible, we must accept and fulfill our responsibilities to our spouse, children and communities.” Since our children constantly watch us and are interested in what we do, we must continuously strive to do good things so as to become better individuals. Our children emulate us, so we must set good examples for them.
Good parents do not mean we don’t have personal weakness, but it poses the challenge to work and improve on them. When we make mistakes we should own up to them. Through generic hormones, we observe similar attitude in our children, and should appreciate where that comes from and know that we’ve been struggling to improve them in our own lives. So good parenting does not only entail teaching and educating our children but also struggling with our lapses and improving them so that our children could see them in good light. For example: We cannot be taking a nap and tell our children we are not home. We cannot be latecomers at work and other activities and expect our children to be prompt at church and school. We cannot say mean words before our children and expect them to speak kindly and respectfully. We cannot smoke and ask our children not to smoke. If we do they will not take us seriously.
Good parent involves a lot of choices. Choice of a good spouse who is not only determined to sharing life vision with you but together you share life’s aspirations, enjoy your relationship and raise great family. If you choose a spouse whom you do not share mutual respect with, you will end up in constant conflict and unending emotional torture. You have to respect your spouse before you can submit or love him/her; accept who he/she is and the differences between you, if not overbearing. It’s not in all cases that you are compatible, but you should be prepared to make concession, compromise, shift grounds and let go. Many have been known to go into marriages with baggages from their backgrounds and believed they’re the best. These give no grounds for options and choices. Parents should love themselves and exhibit high sense of value- respect, honesty, love, kindness, and forgiveness.
Most couples are just incompatible and thorns on flesh of each other. They neither believe in nor practice collective achievement. They live in competition with one another and shares life’s goals differently. Children are quick to notice the infighting that most times burst into conflicting leadership tussles. When couples fail in their relationship, they attempt to woe their children to their side by telling them what they were not supposed to hear and buying them pettish gifts. Responsible parents should keep their children out of their chores. Pestering children with complains about each other’s misdeeds drive children crazy and make them feel like running away from the hell of a home. This situation avails their peer groups more room to feed them with wrong ideas.
Good parenting involves loving “Joy”- Jesus, others and you. You cannot love others unless you love yourself and accept who you are. Again you cannot love yourself unless you love your Creator. The love of God begins with loving your spouse, and if you love your spouse you will also love your children. If you respect your spouse, you will do the same for your kids. When you love your family, you will be motivated to work hard and provide for them- good house, best school and other life necessities. In turn the children shall be encouraged, motivated and do well at school and become good citizens.
Parents should be unanimous in their principles and consistent in response to their children’s actions and needs as well as being constructive in their approach. Even though each couple parents differently, they should avoid giving conflicting instructions. There should be an authority structure in every marriage relationship. God provided for this structure to enhance effective administration and controls in families. Except this order is adhered to respectfully there’s always a problem – conflicting leadership. When children observe these lapses they are quick to exploit them. The couples would end up blaming their children not understanding they created the loopholes. They should be good communication flow and mutual respect between parents. You would still be the authority you are if you tell your child, “let me confer with your mum / dad and get back with you.” It portrays mutual respect; collective leadership and ensuring you are on same page. The children will learn to respect and appreciate such feelings; that debars them from playing manipulating games.
Being a good parent entails enforcing discipline in a gentle, firm, and consistent manner. Standards and rules are set out and each time there is a violation, there’s an appropriate consequence for the action. It could be to loose privileges, time out or additional work. Parent should not be reluctant to enforce discipline. Most parents establish guidelines and rules and consequences but do not enforce them and the children know that they are weak in enforcement and cash on it. Even though fathers and mothers parent differently they should not be split in decision when it comes to discipline. Let it be known that behaviors that are belittling, mean, unkind and unloving is unacceptable. We must educate our children on how to respect themselves, others, authority and property. We equally speak to them politely, in appropriate tone and insist they do not raise their voices on each other and on other people. We must be conscious of the words we say and how we say them. We should also decease from making derogatory comments about people before our children. Our words and actions speak volumes and mean a lot to our children.
Good parent should train their children on simple hygiene and cleanliness- wash hands before meals, after using restrooms, sneezing and other times they get hands dirty. They should learn proper showering, teeth washing, barbing, nail cutting and general cleanliness. To protect them from childhood diseases, we immunized them timely. Responsible parents should insist their children wear protective headgear when riding a bike or skating. Parents must wear seat belt every time they drive, and ensure that their children do it. It protects children from hazards. We need not learn the hard way or cry when the head is off. Responsible parents lock up their guns and other equipment to protect children from harm and untimely death. Yet often we hear that children carry their parent’s pistols to school and shoot others. You will be wondering how can this happen? They usually name it a mistake or mishap; unfortunately someone is gone.
Responsible parents pursue intellectual development and education of their children. Educating children to their fullest potential is a primary parental responsibility. Does it surprise us that most parents blame teachers, and school authorities for children poor performance when indeed the bulk responsibilities rest on parents? Learning is a natural evolving process that starts from home ever before a child begins to attend school. Before we point accusing fingers on teachers and others, how often do we read with the children, providing intellectual stimulation: teach children simple things even before school age? Do we provide a good environment for their studies? Or support the efforts of the school and teachers by being involved and ensure they do their homework’s and observe where they are having problems and relate to the teachers. By being involved we observe their talents, gifts, and abilities, encourage and be proud of their peculiar talents and ingenuity. We note their weakness and jointly with the teachers offer helps. These responsibilities is not met because parents prioritize pursuit of money, doing two to three jobs and hardly make time to check what their children are doing. They are only interested in buying them new things to cover their lapses and have no time for their development.
Good parents are also responsible for the spiritual development of their children. The children should be brought up in the fear of the Lord. We should share our faith with our children. Apart from being involved in a bible based church, we should maintain family altars at home study the word and pray together, “for a family that prays together stays together”. We should lead our children in attending religious activities and practicing God’s presence. Parents should learn to incorporate God in all aspect of their lives and not just to be Sunday, Sunday medicines. At home children should be taught how to pray and avail them the opportunity to lead in prayers. By so doing they build confidence to pray often and for others. We should make choices in the interest of our children and family.
Many things contest for our time. One of the negative challenges is consumerism. This is living the media-generated artificial lifestyle. The American dream is defined in economics terms: money, career and power. Many parents pursue money and are hardly there for their children. They buy big mansions but live at work. They chase their careers and miss their homes, pursue power and cling onto it at all cost. What was the primarily concern for going to work got lost mid-stream; work has become an escape route for troubled homes. Children hardly see their parents; talk less of spending time with them. Good parents need to spend time with their children. They watch their parents do things- wash, clean, make bed, prepare meals and set the meals tables etc. Children start being responsible from home. They learn to do laundry and fold them and put in closets, make their beds, keep their rooms’ clean, empty trashcans. They also iron their clothes, set up their bags ready for school. Good parents ensure children learn four types of responsibilities: responsible for themselves, responsibility for others, and responsibility for God as well as responsibility for society.
Our children today appear different because their parents are different. We may criticize them for being irresponsible, rude, materialistic and unethical etc. The open secret is either they inherited the emotional and moral character of their parents, or watch us disrespect others or ourselves, so they have no respect for us. We are quick to curse others, abuse and yell at other road users while our children are in the car, make silly remarks about their teachers before the children and ridicule or make fun of others under the watchful eyes and attentive ears of the children. Most parents today were fortunate to have parents that taught them the values of responsibility. We cannot as parents let outside engagements, be it work or fun take precedence over our home responsibilities. For no amount of success or achievement at work or outside the home can compensate for the failure of the home. If we expect more from our children, we must be ready to put in more. Being a responsible parent takes time, patience, perseverance and accommodation. It also takes faith, determination and discipline – functions we cannot derelict.
Chapter 3: PREPARE FOR MOTHERHOOD
Content:
3.1 The virtue of a Godly Mother
3.2 An excellent woman
3.3 Elizabeth – The Godly Mother
3.4 Deborah – A woman of Substance
3.5 The Pride of a Mother
3.6 The living child is mine
3.7 Helpmate Spirit
3.1 THE VIRTUES OF A GODLY MOTHER
As the continent of North America celebrates motherhood I make bold with great sense of humility and honor to congratulate my mother and all mothers on the occasion of Mother’s Day celebration. I join with Abraham Lincoln and pray fervently, “God bless my mother…….all I am I owe to her.” Apostle Paul’s writing to the Saints of Ephesians said, “Honor [esteem and value as precious] your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise: That all may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth [Ephesians 6:2-3; Exodus 20:12]. We honor our parents while they are alive and after they’ve passed. On this Mother’s Day we reflect on the joy of having a mother [or mothers]. A mother could be a woman who gave birth to us – biological or a female in our life that has helped to raise us into outstanding citizens. They share their experiences and knowledge with us along side with mentoring us into holy living and the reality of life. Some are still living and others have passed into great beyond but still live in our hearts. We salute and appreciate them.
Moses admonished the Israelites, respect your father and mother [Leviticus 19:3]. Whoever hit or curses his mother [and father] shall be put to death [Exodus 21:15, 17; Leviticus 20:9; Proverbs 20:20]. Despise not your mother when she’s old [Proverbs 23:22]. Why were such hard laws concerning mothers [and fathers] made? I may not have all the answers. My mother often said, “If God did not want me to be your mother He won’t have put you in my womb or you would have died before I gave birth to you.” This explains the special place mothers occupy in children life. Again these laws were made for those who strike, beat, rob, grieve, abuse and even murder their mother [and father] for manslayers [1 Timothy 1:9-10]. The hand of the law usually catches up with them and put them behind bars where they remember the unheeded advices of their mothers, mentors and teachers. They failed to listen and act when the light shines. Today they are in a dark world leaving their moms in agony and tears. However a woman’s tender care never ceases towards the child she bears.
A godly mother advises her child in godly fears and righteous living. Her teachings improve the child’s character; keep away from bad people and from violence [Proverbs 1: 8, 15, 19]. Godly moms untiringly correct their children and do not hesitate to discipline them [Proverbs 13:1; 23:13]. She strives to provide the genuine needs of her child and does not give the child everything he/she cries for. Her children emulate her behavior than her instructions. She behaves politely and respectfully even before her child. She is not disrespectful towards others even when her patience is tested. She commends her child for good behavior and rebuke for acting rudely; keep her promises and maintain rich family values.
A godly mom is a virtuous woman. Prophetic Awareness and Healing Ministries teaches that a virtuous woman is one who is obedient, radiant in her works, majestic in her speeches; that uses the word of God to address her people and circumstances. She neither waste time declaring her grounds when it comes to area of her faith nor compromise anything at all whether her body, soul or time. A virtuous woman is woman of faith that triumphs after a very long walk with God through the shadow of death. She holds unto God when it seems the word of prophesy concerning her life shall not come to pass. She musters courage even when it seem meaningless to those around her. She thinks of people around her: her husband, children, family and friends. She shows mercy and compassion as well as loving kindness through her works and the world sees and come to know Christ very personally.
A godly mom is a praying woman who finds time in her busy schedules juggling to seek the face of God and learn at the master’s feet. A story goes like this: A Christian mother had a son who after High School traveled to a far city but was not communicating with his mother. He got married to a strange woman and blessed with nine children but did not visit home. His mom constantly prayed for her son to embrace the Lord Jesus Christ. This appeared illusion. The woman died and somehow the message reached her son. Two days to her burial, the son returned with wife and nine children. His returned ignited joy and celebration. During the funeral service, after a powerful sermon, a clergy stood up to pray but asked if anyone would want to be remembered that on the funeral day of this great woman of God he/she gave his/her life to Jesus. Following a quiet moment his only son step forward and received Christ. There was tearful joy. God answers mom’s prayers in his own time and way. Billy Graham’s wife, Ruth, says, “If God had said yes to all my prayer requests I’d have married the wrong man- several times.” Let’s devote ourselves to prayers and learn to be satisfied by his judgment; being watchful and thankful in his answers. We should teach our children the Holy Scriptures to make them wise and how to depend on God’s decision [Colossians 4:2; 2 Timothy .3:15].
A godly mom is a hard worker, strong and industrious. She is concern to meet her family needs; brings home food and get up early to prepare food for the family. She’s generous to the have nots; provide comfort for her husband and children. She speaks wisdom and her tongue is seasoned with kindness [Proverbs 31:14-27]. Susannah Wesley was a busy mom with 19 children yet she set aside time [an hour day] to meet with God and pray for her children. Our Daily Bread of May14, 2006 opined, “Being a mother is hard work Indeed it is. The labor to bring a child into the world is only the beginning.” A godly mom involves her children in Christian activities; teaching them godly love and values.
A godly mother is a respectful wife. She respects her husband and honors him. She does him good and not bad. Because of her industry her husband is well known and highly respected among leading citizen. She has high regards for her husband and holds him as an icon in the presence of her children. Little wonder her children appreciate her and her husband praises her. [Proverbs 31:11-12, 23, 28]. She does not only respect her husband but her good deeds are extended to her in-laws and people in the city know she’s a woman of strength. She is capable, loyal and trustworthy [Ruth 3:10-11]. Moms aren’t perfect. Sometimes they are fair; favoritism and deception can skew their judgment.[Genesis 27:13]. St Augustine wrote God can hit right even with a crooked stick. God can still bless moms and uses their flaws in decision for gainful good. Their passions are understood by God. Thank God for using them to fulfill perfect purposes in our lives.
People in different countries of the world celebrate Mother’s Day on various days of the year because of different origins and history. The British and some of her ancient colonies in Africa like Nigeria celebrated Mothering Sunday on the fourth Sunday of lent [March 18, 2007] while North America and most countries in South America celebrate Mother’s Day on the second Sunday in May [May 13, 2007]. There’s no better time to revive the Mother’s Day Proclamation of 1870 and call for peace and disarmament than now. Join me to appreciate our mothers. They are awesome and wonderful. God bless our mothers, give them good health and long life that they may live to see their children’s children and be cherished and appreciated for their untiring love to us. Amen.
3.2 AN EXCELLENT WOMAN.
The scripture says God made a woman out of a man. He brought her to the man. When the man saw her he excitingly acknowledged, “This is the flesh of my flesh and the bone of my bone.” By excellent, it means outstanding, valor and wonderful. An excellent woman could mean an outstanding creation of God out of man. She’s outstanding in behavior and attitude. Whosoever finds her finds a good thing and enjoy favor from her creator [Proverbs 18:22]. She is a great ambassador to her family and shall bring them neither shame nor disgrace but honor and joyfulness. She is a woman of substance who brings honor and praise to her creator and her husband. She’s a cherish jewelry that represents not only heaven but community of faith on earth. Since she met her soul mate, she has continuously remained a joyful ornament and marvelous companion to her husband. She has so much space in her dedicated to God that God’s spirit dwells in her and manifest immensely; brings uncommon favor to her head.
An excellent woman is a wise woman who builds her home; does not pull down [Proverbs 14:1]. She has her foundation built in her Lord and Savior. Her wonderful disposition, dedication and commitment to her faith in Jesus cause her Spirit-man reaches out to the Spirit of God and obtain result. She is a wonderful worshipper, who magnifies the Lord in praise; who’s combined melody reach high heaven to provoke open heavens. She is a helpmate, amazing companion and great resource to her husband and family. An excellent woman accepts marriage challenges and draws her faith and strength from the foundation built by Christ Jesus. She understands the mechanism of a master builder and with these skills she builds her home.
She accepts the scripture as true and submits to the authority of God in marriage: For marriage to be successful couples must cleave together and become a unit and one. A husband is the head of the home and a wife, the neck without which the head cannot turn. This is a command not concession; does not depend on who makes higher income or holds prestigious jobs. She understands that a Christian woman conquer her battles on her kneels by submission and humility to God the owner of the institution of marriage and the owner of her husband. God will fight her battles and turn her husband around but she can’t. She submits to her husband in all things; not in pretence, in competition or independence [Colossians 3:18; Ephesians 5:22].
An excellent woman understands that builders neither pull down nor destroy. She is committed to keep the relationship: harness, repair and renovates; daily lift up her man to God and find ways to respect as well as appreciate him and cherish his efforts. She understands that it takes patience and perseverance and faith in God to build a solid home. She wears forgiveness as inner dress; a tooth brush that daily purges the union clean. Since marriage is a relationship of two imperfect people, there is always the tendency of minor squabbles that can be resolved promptly without freeze up; yield each other into the river of forgiveness and bathe it with the blood of the Lamb. She makes her spouse a priority and takes not her love for granted. She ensures issues are resolved amicably daily before they go to bed. She has no room to harbor bitterness, grudges, and envy but hates evil, love good and upholds mercy and justice.
An excellent woman is a Spirit filled woman with high sense of morally and good judgment. She is cleaved together to the husband and makes no room for any other person. She is a clean woman with admirable and humble disposition. “For the lips of an immoral woman drip as honeycomb and her mouth is smoother than oil. But in the end she is bitter as wormwood…..her feet go down to death; her steps lay hold of hell….”[Proverbs 5:3-5; 6:26]. Instead in the case of an excellent woman, “The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil; all the days of her life. Strength and honor are her clothing. She shall rejoice in time to come [Proverbs 31:11-12, 25].Who can find her? An excellent woman is a woman of valor. She is diligent and hardworking. She willingly works with her hands to provide food and care for her household. From time immemorial, woman of valor had combined trade and house-care. It did not matter where they were, they managed both trade and home; while at work they monitor what obtains at home.
In this era, where the price of keeping a home is increasingly demanding, some women of valor bake more bacon than their spouses. They have been extremely supportive to the husband and family. While other women who dance to the galaxies allow this source of blessing to become a measure of competition and comparism between them and spouses. If the situation is not arrested timely, the ‘boom’ may soon result into ‘doom.’ The women of valor cleave to their husband and become a unit, a couple, and one; allow this source of additional income become a blessing to family. She cloth her household with scarlet; extend her benevolence to the needy and poor. Her husband is known far off in the gates, even when he sits among the elders of the land because she makes for him unique attires that bring honor to her head.
An excellent woman of valor has a merry heart that promotes cheerful countenance. She opens her mouth with wisdom and her tongue is the law of kindness [Proverbs 15:13]. She watches over the ways of her household to ensure healthy behavior and mutual respect for self, elders and seniors and authorities. She guards her tongue and do not allow her disposition to cloud her judgment; curse, abuse or disrespect her husband. She understands and respects the authority in marriage institution and honor God in thankfulness for her gifts. The totality of the love and respect that exist with the parents flows down to the children. Little wonder her children rise up and call her blessed and her husband sing her praises not only in the charm and beauty of the body but most especially the beauty of character and attitude. Even though her husband had heard and seen many beautiful daughters [women] who have exhibited great behaviors and character of honor but his wife is extraordinary and uncommon; has excel them all. The source of her strengths in character is found in her fear of the Lord. Her works and goodness shall praise her not only at the gates but begins at home. Indeed an excellent woman of substance deserves praise. A prudent woman is from the Lord and a crown of her husband [Proverbs 12:4; 19:14b]. Have a great mother’s day.
3.4 ELIZABETH – THE GODLY MOTHER
“The title of mother is the biggest honor I have ever received.” Mother Teresa
As we celebrate 2008 Mother’s Day, I shall attempt to look into the life of one great mother in the scripture: Elizabeth – the mother of John the baptize. She was a daughter of Aaron and married to a priest from the course of A-bia named Zachariah. The scripture [Luke 1:5ff] says, she and her husband were both righteous before God; walking in obedience to all the commandments and ordinances of God. They were also blameless; served God faithfully and vigorously through their youthful days and even in their well advanced ages. But Elizabeth was barren because she could not bear a child. Let me reiterate the key words in the passage that described the great and uncommon qualities this wonderful mother possessed. She was righteous, obedience and blameless. Does it surprise us that God could withhold the desires of one who possessed these qualities? Why should God wait until she was stricken in age to put her through the agony and pains of child bearing? These and other questions kept bothering my heart. Why should one who had served God in obedience and preserved in faith suffer such setback? No answer would make sense except saying: for God’s glory and honor.
Let us consider some of the qualities that made Mother Elizabeth:
- Righteousness: [Luke 1:6]. She was right with God both in heart and action. She was just and devout. Translated from Greek word dikaios [Hebrews –yasher] means straight. It does not mean just mere conformity to the commandment but person who is truly passionate towards God from her heart, based on sincere and honest faith. She believed God and His word even when it did not make natural sense. She was not a perfect person but knew how to acknowledge her short comings in repentant and apply rebound technique. She believed in God no matter what and lived in purity of heart.
- Walked in obedience to all the commandment and ordinance of God. [Luke 1: 6] She is described to have exhibited great love for God. Only those who believe obey and obedience to God portrays love of God. Little wonder Jesus says, If you love Me keep my commandment [1 John 2 : 3 ]
- Blameless: Blameless portrays purity of heart. She was pure inside out and preserved in faith. One who walks blameless with God, make God honor His covenant and satisfy the person [Genesis 17:12].
- Trusted God: Even though she had some unmet desire, she had an excellent heart towards God. She relied on the integrity and ability of God to do, fulfill His promise. She firmly believed in the honesty and reliability of God and was fully surrendered to Him.
- Honor God in her marriage: She came from a priesthood family and joyfully accepted the constraints to married one of the great God’s servant of her time. She was a helpmeet; became submissive to the authority in marriage. Had great respect and honor to her husband and supported his calling and ministry. Even her husband’s family loves her and rejoiced with her when she had her unique baby [Luke 1:56-61].
- Praying woman of faith: Even when she had no child of her womb, she had children by virtues of our ministry; submitted to God and her husband. She maintained a prayer ministry and upheld her husband in prayers. Elizabeth must have loved and prayed for numerous children. She never lost hope on God and kept prayed expectantly. Even now you don’t just pick any woman to become a wife to a priest of God. She was a woman that could be trusted and feared God.
- Pursue godliness: “Godliness is the sacred impression and workmanship of God in a man, whereby from being carnal he is made spiritual.” When godliness is wrought in a person, he does not receive a new soul, but he has ‘another spirit’ [Number 14:24]. Greek word eusebeia express the idea of inner piety and spiritual maturity. She maintained undivided fellowship with God through confession.
- Bore a unique child: [Luke 1:15-17, 44, 76-80] She bore a delayed son and named him, John meaning Jehovah shows favor. The messenger of God delivered his name and annunciated his ministry. Even in the womb, as a baby he leaped in salutation to Jesus, his Lord and master. He was a prophet of the highest God and was filled with the Holy Spirit; came to forerun Jesus by preparing people’s heart to remit their sins. In most delayed children God padded more wisdom and anointing in them and used them mightily. Yours could be the next; keep faith.
Not withstanding the advancement in medical care, in this age and time, they are women or families who are yet to be blessed with a child and some are still expectantly praying for one. Some are advanced in age and may have lost hope. Others have adopted children and some have secretly hired ‘Hagar’ to help them out! Do you think Elizabeth was not ridiculed and mocked for being barren or trusting God without evidence or a heir? Could others who witnessed her setback doubted God’s sufficiency to provide and fulfill dreams? They may have sought medical advices but trusted in the word of God. Being barren was a grave disappointment in ancient times as well as in this age. This state could harass couples who are not preserved in faith and trust God for who He’s. But one day, God remember her and the throne of grace sent an answer to her many years of prayers. In the midst of her frustration, an angel of God brought a message of hope, “Your prayers are answered; your wife Elizabeth shall bare a son and you shall name him, John.” She wondered could this be a joke or a surprise!
On this special occasion, I dedicate this piece for wives and mothers who await God’s manifestation in the area of child birth. Some are stricken in age and may have lost hope. Others are still in their youthful ages and almost loosing their breath. I pray that this season, God shall remember them. He shall take away their reproach and wipe away their tears. There shall be a reassurance that God is faithful and worthy to be trusted in their lives. God is about to compensate them for all their failures, looses, delays, defeat and tears. All their past disappointment, pains and even pleasures are only a tiny faction of God’s ordained great destiny on this planet.
You may have been down to nothing because of your setbacks, but be joyful for God is up to something: new, greater and more rewarding. He has a better alternative. Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow you down a little bit but the moment you drive past that spot or season, you drive smooth again. Also know that God’s delay is neither denial nor refusal. God is never late but always on time. When God remembers you, those who mock at you shall laugh and rejoice with you. God is turning around everything in your favor. For with God nothing is impossible. Begin to rejoice and praise God for the joy of being a mother and for great things He’s doing. Your dumb founding miracle will surprise you, friends and even enemies. They shall celebrate you at last. This is your season of refreshment and compensation. Have a fruitful mother’s day.
3.4 DEBORAH – A WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE
Mother’s day is everyday; it’s celebrated all over the world at different date and time. The continent of North America celebrates it in May every year. It’s the second most celebrated season next to Thanksgiving. In this year’s celebration, our country faces two wars and economic depression: loss of jobs and houses; displacements of families, natural calamities and various other challenges. I shall focus on a woman of substance: Deborah, – prophetess, wife, mother, and judge in Israel. In biblical times, in a male dominated world, a woman, a wife, a mother was hearing from God and speaking to the people. She was a judge and held her court in Ephraim in a place called “Deborah’s Palm Tree.” She presided over the affairs of the Israelites who came to her to intervene and decides their disputes. She was also a wife of Lapidoth. God brought her to limelight at a time in history as a fourth judge when the children of Israel fell into idolatry and iniquities. God allowed Jabin, King of Canaan who reigned in Hazor overcame and ruled them for 40 years. The children of Israel cried to God and God gave Deborah, a prophetic message towards their freedom.
Deborah invited a warrior, Barak and passed a prophetic message from God to him to mobilize 10,000 men from the tribes of Naphtah and Zebulum, fight the army of King Jabin’s who resided in Hazor in Cannan. Barak agreed to go to war only if Deborah will go with him. Deborah accompanied Barak and the army to war but warns that the glory and honor of conquering Sisera [king Jabin’s army general] will go to a woman instead of Him. Deborah triumphs alongside with Barak brought a unique episode that make up an extended opening account in the book of Judges. What are the qualities that distinguished this great woman of many parts?
A prophetess: She was a go-between God and the people of Israel: a vessel of honor God willing used and distinguished among men. She maintained her forthrightness and integrity such that she became God’s mouth speak. Her life was a sign post for God that she was able to endear and brought the derailed people of Israel back to their God. The children of Israel had turned to idolatry after the death of Ehud and these affected their relationship with God. However, God found favor in Deborah and used her mightily in reconciling Israelites back to Him. She prophesized to Barak that God wanted him to lead Israel to war against their enemies and He will give them victory. In this instance, God will take glory of His battle as God had preplanned to sell Sisera [the commander of Jubin’s army] into the hand of a woman [Judges 4:6-9, 21]. As Moses said to God, so did Barak to Deborah, “if you do not go with me, I will not go.” She willingly accepted and went with Barak and Israel army to war and was a great inspiration and encourager to Barak and the army of Israel. They defeated the army of Cannan and Sisera [Jabin’s army general] escaped the slaughter by the Israelites and was killed by a woman, Jael, who drove a peg into his head while he was asleep, in fulfillment of Debora’s prophesy. This great woman of valor, served the office of a judge and prophetess in fear of God and equity.
A Wife and Mother: Deborah was a wife of Lapidoth and mother in Israel [Judges 4:4, 7b]. She combined her demanding career and calling with her responsibility of caring for her household. She was a woman of substance who as a judge understood and committed to upholding the laws of God, the lands and marriage institution. She was a respected wife and a kind mother not only to her household but also Israel nation. She was a helper who stood sentinel behind Barak achieving success and victory. She hugged the weak and cheered the strong; directed and strengthened them in achieving God’s purposes in their lives.
A Judge: As a judge she understood the principles of the laws of God and of the lands and applied them equitably to enhance social justice and peace. In a male dominated society, she distinguished herself by being open minded and listening attentively to the cases brought before her court. She had the power of inner mind and précised over the issues of the people in righteousness, integrity and equity. Her excellent and respectful dispositions and fairness encouraged people to bring their concerns to her court. She had a love for God, and heart for the people; related with them in the finest way to accomplished God purpose for His children in the land.
Deborah answered God’s calling as prophetess and appointment as a judge at a very difficult time in the life of the Israel. She did not allow her gender differences to deter her from accomplished God purpose. She trusted God will always fulfills what ever He said through her to the people. In her private and public judgment, she dedicated herself to God and won great battles. She was a source of great re-engineering in the way she faced great obstacles and overcame them. God still accomplishes His purpose through people [male and female] whom He calls and is committed to depending on Him even when they feel inadequate for the task God call them to do. In order to encourage and strengthen Barak and the armies of Israel, she went to the war zone with them and boosted their victory.
Most times Christians face hindrances in our service to the Lord. We get criticized and feel inadequate; face the temptation of dancing with the crowd. Sometimes we forget that the battle we fight is the Lord’s. We are just vessels and did not call ourselves. We should avail and surrender ourselves to the Lord and He will empower us and use us beyond our abilities. In this age and time, beyond our expectations and dreams of imagination, a woman heads an African nation, a woman holds the position of Secretary of State in the United States and Departmental secretaries, leadership position in corporate world, etc. These women are called to accomplished great tasks, greater than their individual abilities. Some of these women are wonderful companions and great wives to their spouses as well as adorable mothers to their biological children and children of the world.
God may have called you equally differently at this difficult time not only to be helpmate to your husband, but a mother and encourager to other women who are passing through difficult moments and need directions; mother to your children and children of the world, some whose biological mother had little or no time with them and may have made wrong choices that keeps them away from their children. At the same time, He may call you to hold your profession and also serve the household of faith with your talents, time and treasure. The multiple tasks show God is at work in the world through His people. Therefore do not give in to negative sentiments, human inabilities and insufficiencies or feel too important to humbly perform the task you have been chosen to do. Awake Deborah and her alikes, avail yourself to He who has called you. He will accomplish His purpose through you beyond your imaginations.
3.5 THE PRIDE OF A MOTHER
The gospel of John contains in its second chapter an interesting event that occurred in Cana of Galilee. It was a marriage ceremony; some edition called it wedding to suit their culture. I do not want to think the celebrant was ill prepared for the ceremony. Whatever happened, we were told while the feast was in progress the celebrant ran out of wine. It could mean there was enough to eat and every body was supposingly well fed. It could also be that the ceremony was held during summer that the atmosphere was filled with dryness and people tend to drink more fluid, be it water or wine. It could also be opined that in that culture the invitees were expected to accept the invitations at least a week to the events to aid in planning and reservations. Like most of us do, we hardly respond to RSVP and more people may have turned out than originally planned for. However in African tradition we often make provision for “uninvited guests.”
That takes us to the issues of invitations. It’s always more honorable and expedient to be invited to an event. Those who attend uninvited stay in for those who were invited but unable to attend. Invitation shows respect and honor to the invitees and a feeling of being owned, loved and wanted; someone whose presence would be highly honored and appreciated. Also invitation gives the celebrant the honor and rare privileged to bring people together and call forth those he/she needed for the event/occasion. In the event recorded in the gospel of John, Mary – Jesus’ mother, the Lord Jesus Christ and His disciples were all honorably invited to the occasion and were in attendance. The passage was silence about Joseph [Mary’s husband]. It could be He was either unavoidably absent or busy helping out at the background. Sometimes coverage inadvertently omitted an important personality or particular event; such could unfortunately be the case here.
Mary, the mother of Jesus said to Him: Son, “They have no wine.” In other words, they ran out of wine. Jesus did not ask his mother: do I brew or sell wine? Rather He humbly answered the mom: what has your concern to do with me? He added, my hour has not yet come. The mother had no response but turns around to the servant of the celebrant and said, ‘Whatever He says to you, do it.’ Mary knew the child she bore. She knew Jesus was a unique child and possessed uncommon qualities. While fixing wood in Joseph’s carpentry workshop, He demonstrated that God’s giving power. Mary who hid in her heart everything the angel Gabriel told her about this unique son knew she had unusual conception and birth. Mary knew Jesus was a very uncommon child; and remembered the unusual greetings of the Angel in Luke 1:28-33 and her song of glory – the magnificent. As if that was not enough, at the age of twelve, He was found in the temple robbing minds with the elders and teachers of the law. Mary observed that unusual nature of her son, Jesus who was God presence with us and came to take away the sin of the world.
Mary was concerned that the bar had run out of wine and yet they were more invitees still at the event. Her concerns suggest that she was closed of the celebrant. However, Mary was hopeful that her son could do something to alleviate that shortage of wine by acceding to her request and honor God. Have you been in a position to be drawn into something that was outside your original plan and after initial hesitation, you acceded to it? Our parents are fun of this practice. They could bring in people who are less privileged for help or those who need something in the city you live. It may not necessary be money, it could be a demand on your time and tapping into your experience and exposure. It could happen when you travel home or when they are getting prepared to return home after a visit. I don’t know about you, I have suffered this fit severally just to honor my parents. It is part of who we are as a people, a community; trying to be there for one another.
Can your parents trust you to accede to their request even when it’s a sacrifice on your part? Before Mary said to the servant of the host, whatever He ask you to do, do it, she trusted her son had the authority and capacity to do whatever was necessary. This speaks in unspeakable terms the relationship that existed between Jesus and her mother. In the same vein, can our heavenly Father depend on you to be His disciple and witness, to be good servant / steward? Can Jesus depend on us to feed His flocks and to love and accept one another in spite of our differences and shortcomings? Can He rely on us as good ministers who would preserve in faith, shine as light in the unchristian world; walking in righteousness and blamelessly without a reproach or guile? Can the throne of grace trust that like Job you will not deny the faith in the face of tragedy? Can God depend on you as on Abraham that you will raise and direct your children and household after Him no matter the trials of life? Can your spouse depend on you to protect and provide for her and the family; daily upholding them in your prayers. Can the Church depend on your love giving and benevolence for the kingdom expansion?
When our parents need a little help from us, some of us think they are bothering us and over bearing. The scripture direct us to honor our parents so that we may have long life, success and peace. This includes high respect, oblige, concede, and submit to them. They may not have done everything right or be the best model but God says honor them because there is a reward. I bet you God will honor Himself and bring it to pass. They depend on us to cover their shame, to uphold them in difficult times. They depend on us to give birth and raise their grand children who will grow before them and take over their state when they are gone. They depend on us to take leadership and improve their lives. As they pass the baton, our communities depend on us to step up and make collective progress in reengineering and redirecting our resources to enhance common goal.
Mary told Jesus that the wine was exhorted. Even though Jesus said His time has not come yet, He obliged the mother that request and before the celebrant and invitees he turned water into wine. He made her proud and honor her; availed them with choice wine that was better than all the wine they ever served such that the governor of the feast charged the celebrant of bring the best wine last [John 2:10]. This was considered the first public miracle Jesus did as recorded in the scriptures. By this singular miracle, Jesus demonstrated the presence of God in their midst and how He can use the power of heaven to satisfy our longings and needs. Jesus is still alive and seated in His throne at the right hand of the Father interceding for us. He still hears us when we call upon Him.
However we should be careful not to obey our parents sheepishly, especially when we are asked to compromise our faith.. When parents raise their children right and in fear of God, the children will grow up in love, abiding in God’s Spirit; become known and make impact in their world as well as affecting their generation. The child shall grow to enjoy the favor of God and demonstrate uncommon skills and gifts that touch the lives of people and they begin to ask: who are his parents? Little wonder parents are challenge to raise their children right, in a unit of command; they shall become great assets to parents, community and nation. The righteous man walks in his integrity, his children are blessed after him. God has given each of us a unique talent to make us a success and affect our generation; only in him shall we discover it and reveal His glory here on earth.
3.6 THE LIVING CHILD IS MINE.
The month of May every year brings with it the second most celebrate event in the continent of North America. It is Mother’s Day celebration. It is the second most popular event next to Thanksgiving; being an important moment in the life of every human being. It’s assumed that everyone has a mother [living or dead]. The role nature assigned to mothers is that of care and tenderness. The nurture that mothers give is critical to a child’s wellbeing. I’m bold to salute all mothers for being carriers of the conceptions, groom and nurture pregnancies, struggles and pains of deliveries and every day care, comfort and being there for their children. Little wonder, the saying, “a woman’s tender care never ceases towards the child she bears.”
In this year of the decade – a year that ends with the number ten; two digit number, I shall be inclined to illuminate our minds on the lessons on the story of the two mothers in the book of First Kings, chapter three verses 16 through 27. These two women were prostitutes who lived in the same apartment and slept in the same room. They had new baby boys each about the same time, within the same week. Within that week, they had no visitors. They had an ugly incident, a peculiar problem, so disturbing that they came to King Solomon for justice. While they slept in the night one of them accidentally rolled over on her baby and he died. When she observed the baby had died, she woke up and swiftly exchanged her dead child for the other woman’s living child. Could you imagine how such mischievous thought came about? It’s nothing less than the manipulation and manifestation of demonic influences. This is how Satan enters into someone’s mind and the result is havoc. Have you wondered how she could do such hurt to her colleague and co-tenant [room-mate]. This is the attitude and behavior of unfriendly friends.
In the morning, the next day, the woman who had the living child got up to feed her baby only to find out he was lifeless. She put on the light and looked at him again; she knew he wasn’t her baby. She then raised an alarm. The woman whose son died and stole her colleagues’ baby insisted the dead son belonged to her room-mate while the living son belonged to her. She shouted, “The living baby is mine; my son is alive.” These two women yelled at each other again and again and argued front and back, even in front of King Solomon. The woman whose child was living suspected a foul play and tried to justify her suspicion. The stake was on the living child. In our world today, because of the advancement of science and technology in medical services, the King could have ordered a DNA examination be conducted to determine the right mother.
However, King Solomon asked for a sword to be brought and ordered that the living child be cut into two halves. The real mother of the baby screamed, please do not kill my son, I love my son and he’s my blood. Rather give him to her, when the child grows up he will know his mother. The other woman whose child died shouted, go ahead and cut him into two halves; then neither of us shall have the baby. The bad sleeping habit woman who rolled over and killed her son had no feelings and sympathy for the living son. This was a great test that exposed the wisdom of the king to the world; that enabled him make a difficult decision that amazed everyone in Israel and beyond. It was evidence that God was with him.
As we celebrate this year’s mother’s day, we examine the attitude and actions of these two prostitutes [women]. Even though they lived in the same room and practiced same trade, one was a mother and the other a murderer. The murderer portrayed a knife; killed her son, stole the other woman’s son and lied to cover her misdeed. She was inclined to cutting the living child with a sword. They are many knives in our marriages today and like their sender, Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. However, the mother of the living son expressed deep sense of love and care for the child she bore. Her DNA was in the living child. She is a good wife [not a knife] and wonderful mother [not murderer] for her offspring. She trusted God that when the child grows up he would know his mother. She was honest and truthful; full of tender care for his child. She said, “The living child is mine.”
Child theft is not new; it’s common and rampant even in hospital settings. Most rampant these days are the news of mothers killing the children they bore. In spite of the fact that God and society abhors these crimes, they happen daily and receive stiffer condemnation and sanctions. Funny enough, Satan will try but with God on our side he cannot quench our light. “The evil shall bow before the good and the wicked at the gate of the righteous” [Proverbs 14:19]. Be aware of unfriendly friends; they are like internal enemies and know your weaknesses and are ready to exploit them. They may smile but it’s just cheerful deceit. Keep your loins girded and your lambs burning [Luke 12:35]. Beware Satan is about to steal your child, your crown and your destiny. Decree today that nobody steals your crown, kill your child and destroy your future. Pray that your best friend is not eying your spouse or thinking of destroying your home.
In this year of your laughter and celebration, you will not work for another to eat. The season of fake union, miscarriages and suffer of reproaches has ceased. You will not suffer loses, weeping, mourning, mockery and castigations anymore because God has remembered you. The living child is yours. God has removed your shame and bad news. The devil is a liar and God has exposed his secret plans. His efforts to steal and destroy what belongs to you have been aborted. God shall scatter every jealous and covetous inclination of your unfriendly friends. Every Satanic arrow shut to destroy your marriage, your pregnancy and relationship is returned to the sender. The dead child does not belong to you. The dead marriage is not your portion. Every spirit of destruction: gang, witchcraft, marine and stubbornness as well as depression are rooted away in Jesus name. May God bulldoze every stronghold of internal enemies in my life in Jesus name? May your enemies announce your promotion? May God reveal the secret plan of your enemy? Enjoy your year of uncommon favor and unusual happenings. Congratulations; Happy Mother’s day celebrations.
3.7 THE HELPMATE SPIRIT
As I move around my evangelical duties, I’m often been confronted by young men and women who look forward to being initiated into marriage institution. Their concern is that most people desire marriage but some are scared of the galloping problems that the institution suffers in this age and time. Some observed marriage conflict and tussles amongst their relations and think it’s not worth the troubles. Others who have witnessed cordial relationship among their elderly relatives cannot wait to join the group. Those who are married become the mirrors that the young see and look upon to learn and emulate the joy and goodness of the institution. Just as it is with Christianity, believers are the gospel and letters that the world read and learn the tenet of our faith and calling. Marriage is designed and created by God and it’s perfect. Marriage is a wonderful institution and an association of two imperfect people, trusting God for its perfection.
The institution is God’s oriented and it’s based on His agape love. One very salient fact about marriage is that it may not be for every body. Those who desire and aspire to it must abide by the principles that the designer laid down for successful accomplishment. Some people are fascinated about the institution but do not want to go by the rules and boundaries set forth. They behave like those who want to drive on our roads but ignore road signs and traffic rules; those who buy products from the store but do not care to read and follow the user instructions, safety precautions and warnings. Yet marriage has universal obligations and commitments that those who enter into it must abide in and keep its way. These principles and rules are found in the manufacturer’s manual [The Bible]. Since marriage is not for everybody, it becomes necessary to know what to look forward to in this union.
I shall attempt in this piece to answer the question most young men ask: what does a man look for in a woman and how does he know whether she will be a good wife? What behavior and attitude should we look for? The scripture says He who finds a wife [not a woman] finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord [Proverbs 18:22]. But a prudent wife comes from the Lord [Proverbs 19:14b]. When God said, it’s not good for a man to stay alone; I will make him a helpmate suitable for him, He meant there was a vacuum and it needed a companion [not a partner] and helper [not a co-head or competitor] to fill it. He does not look for another man. This question is a difficult nut to crack. I romanced my thought and concluded that only God can answer this question rightly. I also know that God had already revealed His ways and thoughts in the scriptures: the written word of God. I therefore prayerfully search for direct and implied answers. As I peruse the book of the Beginning [Genesis], I found that God is the Creator of the universe and all that dwells in it [Genesis1:1; Psalms 24; 1ff]. He created man in His image and likeness; created them male and female [Genesis 1:27]. God observed that every other creation except man was created in twos. And God said it was not good for man to be alone. The Trine God decided to create a woman as a helpmate and a wife. So a wife is to be a man’s [husband] completion and not a competitor. The story went ahead to say that God caused Adam into a deep sleep; He made supernatural surgery on him and let out a bone from his side [not his head or feet] and made it into a woman whom Adam named Eve, the mother of all earth.
One significant fact drawn from God’s wisdom in creating a life companion [helpmate] for Adam is that both Adam and Eve were in one body before marriage and became a unit, a couple after marriage. The qualities God considered in creating a helpmate was not clearly listed in the book of creation; however it is best known to God and still a mystery. Not withstanding, we could deduce from the passages of the book that: She was to be:
a companion [ Genesis 1:27],
a helpmate [Genesis 2:18, 23] and
Eve, a mother of all living [Genesis 3:20]
In our society today, a lot of young females misconstrue the true meaning of helpmate as described in the scriptures. A Companion was to be a completion [not a competitor or smothered woman]. A Helpmeet/Helper [Heb’ezer]; another you specially designed and made to meet your needs. The scriptures call God, our Helper; God is the Helper of His people, Israel. [Psalms 118:7; Hebrews 13:6]; Jesus was indeed the helper of the disciples [Mark 1:31] and He prayed the Father to send another Divine Helper as He departed and returned to the Father [John14:16]. The Holy Spirit will be by the disciples to help, comfort and counsel as well as strengthened them [Matthews 14:18, 26, 30-31]. He also intercedes in prayers for them [Romans 8; 26]. It is in this sense that a wife is to be a helper of a husband. It never belittles, diminishes or makes the woman inferior to man. “……for the Lord hath created a new thing in the earth. A woman shall compass [surround and protect] a man” [Jeremiah 31:22]. Eve, [Heb chavah], the mother of all chai, living. She became the mother of all physically alive. By faith in God’s promise of [Genesis 3:15]; she became the mother of spiritually alive. A helpmate serves respectfully; without respect you can neither love nor serve.
When Abraham and Sarah gave birth to Isaac, they knew an heir to the throne was born; he became a child of promise. Abraham had the responsibility and duty to scout out for a bride for the heir apparent. It was a great task especially for Abraham’s head servant [Eliezer], whom he sent on that errand. What would be the qualities to look for when choosing such a woman who will have to wear into the shoes of Sarah? In our era and times, where some beautiful looking women turn out to become ‘knives’ instead of ‘wives’; they become Jezebel [Ahab’s wife] and Delilah [Samson’s wife]. Abraham’s servant was wise enough to ask for God’s wisdom and enquire for the sign to confirm His choice. Since God was invited into the scouting process, He led the way and made all things work out well. God responded: …the damsel who would voluntarily offer him and his camels a drink of water would be a good choice. It means Eliezer shall be looking for a young female [not another male] who was willing to be passionate and go extra mile; posses a servant’s attitude and helpmate spirit.
In our selfish world, where many people live “a me-first” lifestyle, that was a difficult assignment to carry out. The errand was not looking for a facial or body attraction or academic qualification or a rich parental background. He was not looking a nurse, medical doctor, a Pharmacy or laboratory technologist but for a wife. He was not looking for a macho or tough built robust female who would be strong enough to dig for the gold nonstop but someone with inward strength, humble spirit, serving and passionate heart who could win by stooping low. Many women who are stars at Fun world and other professions can be successful in careers but they can not be a wife; those who have tried to become one have failed several times. It will be political incorrect to mention submission because that word has been deleted or expunged from relationship manual for advanced world. It was incited when we lived in a world of male dominance. In today world, women have equal rights and opportunity with their male counterpart and in most cases they are preferred in work places and are better of at home without men. Indeed most women, some liberals and feminists have surpassed men in academics, in sports, in politics and in profession as well as in housing a boy friend or gay partners but not as a wife. When they happen to marry, they end up kicking men away and raising children as single mothers. This is a development that has become a commonplace in our age and time.
Rebecca must have been drawing some water from that well year after year and must have shown great kindness to some home people and passerby’s; perhaps with only thank you or God bless you, as consolations. Those who take ‘God bless you’ as a mere greeting and for granted should learn from this. The scriptures warn us not to be tired of doing good; at God’s own time and in His mercies, you will be rewarded. It may not be the person you showed kindness to, but some strange person shall reward you. You could liken it to the story of the Good Samaritan. It was this passerby stranger who saw a dying soul [not a wasted person] and had compassion on him. When your kindness reaches the throne of mercies, God shall send an uncommon favor your way. It may be different or delayed but trust God your kindness shall be rewarded. Rebecca kept doing good until, this bright day, she went out to do what she knew best to do. As she saw Eliezer with camels, she ran to the well and fetch water for him and the camels [Genesis 24:20]. This one act of generosity and great kindness coupled with her humility in serving earned her a ticket to inherit Abraham’s blessings and riches.
When young people scout out for brides some do not know exactly what they want; while others have no clue which direction they should go and what to look for. Some depend on the winds of fashion, physical attraction and of course, sexual satisfaction. This could answer to why one young female is preferred or chosen among her mates. You may have a lady with good credentials and wonderful disposition but she’s not marriageable. She can boast of dating great stars but none is ready to offer her a ticket to become a wife. It’s one thing to be lucky to hook a spouse but another to uphold and maintain the relationship. You may package yourself just like a resume to get a man / a woman or a job but to excel; you must know the import of that job and meet the goals and aspirations of the organization that engaged you. You may know the job but when you have an attitude or behavioral problems it could result to disharmony in the work place and you could be fired or force to quit. When you engage a wrong staff, no matter how much training you expose the person, there is always a problem. So also is with a spouse.
Leaders look for can do spirit, humble people who serve willingly and ready to go extra mile. They also have bigger picture of the goals yet do not miss details. A man want for wife, a woman with inward strength, who will willingly support her man and ready to go extra mile to see that they succeed. One who sees a bigger picture of what marriage is about and willing to persevere to make it work. Her attitude is not pretence but true and straight. Her love is transparent and noticeable everywhere she is; however it must start from inside out, exhibited in a most friendly manner. In that day, one act of kindness changed Rebecca’s whole life for good. The God of heaven decided to remember her. She was at the right place, at the right time and did the right thing. You may not realize it, but your attitude and behavior determines your future. In this congested market, people device ways to eliminate the fake or never do well and the pretenders; pick the gem and lads.
Prophet John Chinedu teaching during a 21 day fasting and prayer meeting at Hour of Liberation Ministries, in Houston once said, “If your wife is not your Mary Magdalene, you will surely have problems.” Jesus delivered Mary Magdalene of seven demons and since after then she glued to Him before, during and after His death. Prophet Chinedu also added, “If your husband is not your Moses – the most compassionate leader in Israel and in the scriptures, then you will have headaches. Wives need husbands who are ready and willing to die for them, just like Christ died for the Church but there is a price to pay……
Rebecca was God’s favorite; she was a wonderful woman and great wife; respectful to her husband and raised her children in the fear of God. However as a human being she was not perfect. She favored one child over the other and this caused untold disagreement and conflict between the two brothers. Those who work hard will prosper [Proverbs 13:4]. This brought to mind the washing of feet that Jesus bathed His disciples [John13:5ff]. Jesus humbled Himself, took the position of a servant and served His followers dutifully. Washing of feet was a mean job for people of low cedar. In some cultures, slaves performed this function. But Christ did it to demonstrate the quality of leadership His disciples must possess. Jesus was the only leader who served and died for His subjects. In our world, the slaves and commoners serve the king; go to war to defend and die for the king and His kingdom. But Jesus went to the cross to pay the price of our sin that mankind could not pay. He became the Lamb of God that took away the sins of the world. Brethren, a serving and helpful spirit is what we need in our lives, in marriages, in our professions and communities as well as our nations. Leaders look out for those who have a serving spirit and are willing to go extra mile. A helpmate spirit is the wife’s spirit and the selfish spirit is the knife’s spirit.
In ‘The world for you today’ Pastors Kerry and Faith Wood writing on ‘Make effort to show kindness’ narrated this story: “Before William McKinley became President of the United States, he was riding to his congressional office one morning on a tram. A sick woman got on and unable to find a seat, clutched all overhead strap next to one of McKinley’s political collogues. Pathetically this collogue hid behind his newspaper to avoid offering her his seat. Immediately McKinley rose, gave her his seat and took her place in the aisle. Years later when he was President, this collogue was recommended for the position of ambassador but McKinley turn it down. He said, ‘If his kindness is of the quality he showed that morning on the tram, I fear what he might do representing us in a foreign land’ The disappointed congressman never did learn why McKinley preferred someone else for the job.” Couples should serve each other selflessly and diligently. It will be out of place for ‘a me-first’ person to go into marriage; it is a sharing institution where two people are determined and committed to serving each other and sharing life together.
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Chapter 4: PREPARE FOR FATHERHOOD
Content:
4.1 Responsible fatherhood
4.2 Celebrating Fatherhood
4.3 Appreciating Fathers
4.4 The Tax Collector [Publican]
4.5 Job, an Exceptional Father
4.6 Father command your children and Household
4.7 Compassionate Spirit
4. 1 RESPONSIBLE FATHERHOOD
Our society is sadly becoming fatherless. By ‘fatherless’ I mean the disappearance of fathers at homes. Some traveled out in search for daily bread; others are emotionally absent, separated or divorce. In most western countries of the world moms and grandma’s raise their children alone because of the absence of fathers. Current statistics reveal that only a third of the children in US will reach the age of 18 with both biological parents living together. Dr Wade Horn, US Department of Health and Human Services in 2002 address said “The most consequential social trend of our time is the dramatic increase in the number of children growing up in father-absent families. In 1960 this number stood at less than 10 million. Today [2002] it’s 24 million. This means that one out of every three children in America goes to bed in a home absent their father; 40 percent of children who don’t live with their fathers haven’t seen their fathers during the past year. And one–half never set foot in their father’s home……”
Good News magazine writing on the Epidemic of missing fathers said, ‘Studies found that children who live apart from their biological fathers …….are twice as likely to suffer physical or emotional neglect; to manifest emotional or behavioral disorder, including suicidal behavior; to abuse alcohol or illegal drugs; to be suspended or expelled from school or to drop out; and at least are likely to end up in jail.’ According to a Princeton university study, “each year spent without a dad at home increased the odds in the future incarceration by 5 percent”. Again according to the Bureau of justices statistics, “70percent of juveniles in state reform institutions grew up in a single parent or no parent situation, and 53% of state prison inmates grew up apart from their fathers……..”
Before the World War 1, family law awarded custody of a child to the father, who was considered head of household, central to educating children, providing for them and preparing them for adult life. After World War 1, the American nation experienced a shift in culture. The family law adapted a view that the mother was the primary nurturer of children in their early ages and awarded custody of young children to them. Since the 1970s, courts have been making a slow swing back towards the reality and in most cases inclined to awarding custody to father as much as to mothers. Today the court would order the man to leave the home when there’re irreconcilable conflicts. When a man leaves the house it’s regarded not uncommon and treated with a wave of hand. As good as the decision stands, it does not truly meet the need of children that require both parents.
Years back, fathers were concerned in only providing for the family. When mothers joined the work force, the average time parents spent with children dropped. As both parents pursue their careers and head off to work, the children were commonly dropped off in school or daycare facilities. However daycare and schools are no substitute for parents in the children’s life. It’s impossible for parents to train and influence their children if they don’t spend enough time with them. As journalist Caitlin Flanagan put it, “The one thing you cant buy – the presence of someone who cares deeply and principally about that home and the people who live in it; who is willing to spend time, thinking about what these people will eat and what clothes they will need for each occasions….”
It was not long the feminist and women liberals came up with alternative family lifestyles. They opined that white-collar moms could rear their children just as well without dads. This led to the assumption that moms can raise children just as well without a father in the home; suggest that fathers were not really needed in parenting. Statistics and studies have shown that this assumption is illusive and undermined the crucial role fathers play in the life of their children. Studies suggest that children feel an emotional bond more than any other thing. By carrying the baby 9 to 10 months during pregnancy, breast feeding and staying, nurturing the children; the moms are emotionally available to the children. The society has thrown away dads; denied them opportunities to realize their contribution to the children and not recognized as crucial partner in parenting.
However it is important to know that mom and dad communicate in different ways; both are necessary for the child’s balance growth and personality. It also reveals that children do better in two parent families. Men are becoming concern in balancing work and family. They found out that the more they play, share recreational activities and humor with their children, they get closer, more open and satisfied as an adult human being. This emotional investment brings enormous benefits and rewards in the life of both parents and children. Fathers play unique and distinctive role not only in child nearing but in sharing the burden of daily care as well, said Dr Ross Parke. “New studies have shown that dads, who normally are not given as much credit as moms in child bearing actually plays a virtual role in the upbringing of children and their future successes”.
Dr Kyle Pruett observed that children social, physical and intellectual development benefits greatly from the involvement of fathers. Indeed his masculine child nearing tactics often include horseplay with kids cause worry and anxiety in mom. Surprisingly these activities fulfill vital roles in the children’s social, physical and intellectual skills in school and beyond. Little wonder Harmon Killebrew was quoted, “My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mom would come up and say “You’re tearing up the grass”, Dad would reply “we’re not raising grass; we’re raising boys”. A father’s playfulness helps his children develop motor skills, hand-eye coordination, balance and confidence. Such activities create lasting bond between father and children and help them lose their fears about taking on new challenges. Kids who learn early social skills from their dads do better with peers, have higher levels of verbal skills, and score higher as well as better prepared to face life challenges and problems-solving. These exploratory skills are crucial in school and work place. People, who are inquisitive, socially developed and not afraid to try different methods and roles are prone to being successful in meeting challenges. Dad already taught them how to explore the odd world, develop curiosity, self-esteem and confidence.
Most importantly as a spiritual head of the family, a father should not only teach his children spiritual and moral values but live them. For this reason Clarence Budington Keller said, “He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived and let me watch him do it”. Confucius opined, “The father who does not teach his sons, his duties is equally guilty with the son who rejects them.” Mothers normally give care and comfort while fathers focus on teaching children about the world around them.
4.2 CELEBRATING FATHERHOOD
As the world celebrates Father’s Day in 2007, America is on global war on terror. Many beloved young country men and women are standing sentinel at various war fronts defending American interest as well as the world. Families are separated for prolong period; most dads are at war while moms work in the offices or factories. Needs are not met; children left uncared for and become fatherless by emotionally absent, divorce or death. In this age and time we acknowledge that the family is under severe attack. The attack on the traditional family setting is a direct attack on fatherhood and on the God of all creation. About 1970’s and 1980’s, the liberal thinkers [feminist, social liberals] designed new family structures: the homosexuals, gay and lesbian unions, swinging clubs lifestyles, etc. They claimed they can raise children without men; even the child is better off without them. They propounded two myths: fathers are incompetent and don’t care. Jerold Aust of Good News Magazine opines that modern TV shows like: Desperate Housewives, Wife swap and Two and a Half Men represent the wrong side of the family values and help corrupt reality.
As crime rate soars high, many young dads are serving various jail terms in penitentiaries. Those who survive strive to work and provide child support diverted to other uses than care for the child. These new structures came with certain attractions: freedom of choice, self-fulfillment, right of abortion and freedom to divorce. The effect was sudden surge upward in divorce rate, juvenile delinquency, unwanted pregnancy, truancy among children while child molesters and rapist roar around looking for those to devour. The environment has become more unsafe with numerous home invasions The attack on fatherhood ushers in conflict leadership at home, mutual disrespect; distort families and disorientation; Children involvement in drugs, alcohol and gangs as well as obscure behaviors
It’s not uncommon in this abode to hear some people talk much about their moms and little or nothing about their dads. The society culture throw away dads: emotional absence, frustrated to leave home, discarded, incapacitated or incarcerated. The mom usually give care and comfort while fathers focus more on teaching children about the world around them. During this prenatal period, a child-mother bond is established; improved during breast feeding and at toddler year as the child looks into the mom’s face, knows her and she imparts his /her life. Children yean deeply for dads; are born with a drive to find and connect with their father and not only their mothers. In Christian and African relationship, a man proposes and marries to a woman; becomes her husband. From biblical records, God created the man first, through him he made the woman as a completion to the man. God made the man a head [an overseer] and the woman a neck [pivot] without which the head can not turn. God’s intent is to establish authority in his institution. Dr Ross Parke, author of Fatherhood, opined, “The most impressive thing is fathers are finally waking up to the fact they do matter and society is also recognizing it. Fathers as well as their wives are realizing fathers do play a unique and distinctive role not only in child rearing but in sharing the burden of daily child care as well….”
The change in nuclear family culture of today where both husband and wife work, have also affected the role of fathers in the family. They are no longer seen as only providers but also involve in child rearing, cooking, changing nappy and putting the baby to sleep. Some men may not perform these functions as well as the women do [no naggings] but cultural changes are helping to strengthen father-child relationship, emotional development of the child and building stronger family bonds. The role of the father is by no means secondary to that of the mother. In God’s design of family unit, children are to be reared and raised by father and mother to have balanced and full personality. Even though the mother conceives, carry pregnancy, give birth, breast feed, rear and nurtures the child, the father gives the child spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial as well as social well being. A father is the ideal man in the life of their daughters; the first man they adore and fall in love with. While their boys idolized and emulate him and aspire to be like him. Ideally parents are role model for their children. The children do what they see their parents do. Children with both parents feel safe as they watch position interaction between their parents. If children watch their parents raise voices in anger and being sarcastic to each other or rain insult and put down other people, their children learn fast and emulate these wrong values. Our children should inherit good values and blessings and pass them to their own children.
“Fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation. It‘s the leading cause of declining child wellbeing in the society,” warned social historian David Blankenhorn. ‘It’s also the engine driving our most urgent social problems, from crime to adolescent pregnancy to child sex abuse to domestic violence against women’ [Fatherless America: confronting……..urgent social problem]. ‘Infants who have been well fathered during the first eighteen to twenty-four months of life are more secure than those who were not exploring the world around them and they do so with vigor and interest. They tend to be more curious and less hesitant or fearful especially in the face of novel or unusual stimuli’ [Dr Kyle Pruett]. These exploratory skills are crucial in school and workplace. People, who are inquisitive, socially developed and not afraid to try different methods will easily excel in challenges. Researches reveal that women who are high achievers, such as Margaret Thatcher and Indira Ghandi [Former Prime Minister of Britain and India], respectively were highly influenced and encouraged by their fathers in their academic and political careers. ‘Sons of fathers who took more responsibility for limit setting, discipline and helping their child with personal problems and social work had significantly higher empathy scores…….Father deprivation is directly linked to difficulties in a child’s self control’ [ K. Pruett]. ‘Dads in the family are even more important than women in the workplace.’
“Honor your father and mother” this is the first of the Ten Commandments the ends with a promise……..You will live long life and it shall be well with you. Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord’ [Ephesians 6:2-4]. This underlined Anna Jarvis’s spearheading the struggle to promote mother’s day celebration as well as inspired Ms Dodd. The honor and celebration of fathers came after many years of celebrating motherhood. The idea of celebrating fathers originated and was vigorously pursued by Ms Sonora Dodd, a loving daughter from Spokane. Her father, Henry Jackson smart single-handedly raised Sonora and five of her siblings following her mom’s demise during child birth. Over the years many Church groups and communities celebrated Father’s day. The campaign and general acceptability got the attention and recognition of President Woodrow Wilson who approved the idea in 1916. As its popularity became eminent, President Calvin Coolidge in 1924 supported the idea of a National Father’s Day. This passion provoked in 1957, Senator Margaret Chase Smith’s letter to the Congress, “Either we honor parents, mother and father or let us desist from honoring either one. But to single out just one of the two parents and omit the other is the most grievous insult imaginable.” Following protracted struggles and campaign President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday in June as father’s day in 1966. President Richard Nixon in 1972 established a national Father’s Day to be held on 3rd Sunday of June every year. This concept has spread beyond geographical boundaries and the world celebrates Father’s day in June, yearly.
Father’s day celebration give us opportunity to express thanks and gratitude to our Dads for all their unconditional love and affection; working hard to provide our numerous needs and encourage us in our failures and being there all the time. It could occasion apologies for our insensitive behavior and silly rudeness; ask forgiveness and blessings on our lives. We pray for our fathers and family asking God for long life, good health and peace. We appreciate our dads for the discipline and for not giving us all we needed; for not granting all our permissions to go everywhere we wanted. Phillip Whitman snr said, “Any fool can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy.” .Pope John xxiii said it’s easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.
Buttressing TV Psychologist Dr Phil McGraw quote, “It’s time …hey don’t surrender, don’t give up. Don’t be intimidated by all the forces tugging on your children and family. Don’t accept the epidemics of oral sex, drugs and alcohol in middle and upper schools. Don’t give up on a child that ignores your instructions because God has not given up on us. As custodians, present them daily to their owner. You may not be their best friend but you are charged to be their leader. Don’t parent out of fear that your kids shall run away from the home; they won’t like you or let the internet or TV baby sit them. You may not borrow money to buy them designed made dresses or shoes but provide the ideal.” Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams said, “It kills you to see them grow up but I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.” Helen Rowland opined, ‘I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection’ “Small boys become big men through the influence of big men who care about small boys.” Thank you, daddy.
4.3 APPRECIATING FATHERS
As the world celebrates 2010 Father’s Day, I am humbled by the singled privilege and honor to appreciate all fathers of the world today and always. We often forget and take for granted the sacrifices of our fathers and the role they played in shaping our lives. I appreciate you all beyond words and imaginations because you deserve our honor. We honor not only our biological fathers but all who have played a fatherly role in our lives: Step fathers, uncles, grandfathers and big brothers as well as mentors. We should always remember and express gratitude to these people for the help to mould us into what we are today and even what we shall become in future including those our lives shall impart.
Father’s Day is a special day of great significance for everyone. Everyone has a father; whether living or dead, known or unknown, present or away and responsible or irresponsible. It’s a day of commemoration and celebration of Dads. We use this day to honor our fathers all over the world and celebrate fatherhood. It helps to acknowledge the enormous contributions of fathers in individual families and to society at large; provide children an opportunity to express thanks, love and respect for their fathers. This sentiment goes a long way to strengthen father-child relationship and in the emotional development of children. Children depend on fathers for spiritual, emotional, physical, financial and social wellbeing. Honoring a father means more than buying dad a new shirt or tie on Father’s Day morning. It includes the concepts of showing gratitude and practicing obedience. It also avails mothers an opportunity to re-appreciate their heads, the symbol of authority and the father of their children.
In our world today many people struggle to define what it means to be a father. Among them are those who did not know their fathers while growing up. Their fathers could have died in their infancy or at war or in incarceration; may have separated or divorced with their mothers because of irreconcilable differences. Whatever is the case, they were absent in their lives. Hear this from Richard Henry Dana: “One night a father overheard his little son pray: “Dear God, make me the kind of man my daddy is.” Late that night the father prayed, “Dear God, make me the kind of man my son want me to be.” Some Christians today struggle with this question all life; may have had not too great a time with their dads but are determined to tow new paths. Others have great memories of the bonding and rapport they had with their dads growing up and thrive to meet it or improve on it, with their kids in this age and time.
An earthly man should draw his fatherhood portrait from our Heavenly Father. Indeed, no human experience can meet the fatherhood God, our Heavenly Father offers and gives but can learn and emulate it. The word, father could mean different things to different people. It all depends on how the person was raised and the relationship one had with his earthly father. It could stand for one who procreates [offspring as a male parent] or one who adopts a child or help raise a child. A father could stand for a male parent of an animal. It could also represent male ancestors or used a title out of respect for an elderly or venerable man or one who leads men in a city called “City Father.” A father also stands for a man who creates, originates or found something or symbolizes a Priest or Clergyman in Roman Catholic or other Churches
We live in a society and culture where unfortunately, fatherhood is greatly devalued and demeaned as well as ridiculed. This society practices legality without morality and is quickly emerging into a deceased state. Many people just see fathers as a toy for sexual procreation and satisfaction. Others do not even need one because they have a new device or an alternative for sexual enjoyment and fulfillments. Some have been kicked out of the house as a scapegoat for obtaining child support, freedom to take on other men and enjoy marathon sexual funs and the euphoria of same sex experiences. Fathers who survived the above mentioned have been short down in their homes either because their spouses bake more bacon or for other subjective reasons. They live lonely together and become slave in their homes. The Church ought to stand up against these misconstrued images and behavior meted to fathers. The society should have to rethink about family values; restores and uphold the authorities of fathers in marriage institution.
The scripture urges children to honor their father and mother for this is the first commandment with a promise; that it may be well with you and you may live long on earth. Father’s do not provoke your children to wrath but bring them up in the nurture [training] and admonition of the Lord [Ephesians 6:2-4]. It is not only the duty of children to honor their parents but also the duty of parents to deserve that high regard by raising their children in the Christian upbringing and discipline [tough love]. The book of Proverbs gives the following injunctions: “Train up a child in the way which he should go and when he grows up he will not depart from it.”[Proverbs 22:6]. “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.” [Proverbs 22:15]. “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beat him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shall beat him with the rod and shall deliver his soul from hell” [Proverbs 23:13-14]. “Chasten thy son while there is hope and let not thy soul spare for his crying” [Proverbs 19:18]. “Whosoever curses his father or his mother, his lamp shall be put off in obscure darkness” [Proverbs 20:20]. Also read: Proverbs 17:6; 29:10,15, 17.
Fatherhood comes from God of all creation. He made man in His image and likeness and to produce after his own kind. Abraham was ninety nine years old and God called him and said to him, “I’m Almighty God, walk before me and be blameless……..I will make you a father of all nations [Genesis 1:27-28; 17:1ff]. It’s not man made. Not every man can be a father; not every father is a dad. God created a man with all best intent. He’s the only person that can make a man, a father. God did not create a woman to be a man or a dad. God made a man a head; didn’t create a woman as a helpmate to preside over a man in the house, Church and society. Every man who fathers a child has a moral and sacred responsibility to that child. By divine design, fathers are to lead; invariably preside over their families in love and righteousness. They are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for the families. The best father is one who knows God as his Heavenly Father; places his trust in Jesus Christ and pledge his loyalty to Him alone. Only Jesus Christ can provide that relationship [John14:6]. He should be a covenant person who has been circumcised in the heart and has passion for family and humanity. The purpose of God is to make fathers in His image and likeness to portray the same quality that our Heavenly Father has: lead, provide and protect.
Again, through fathers and mothers, children are born into the world. Like my mother often tells me, “If God did not want me to be your mother, I wouldn’t have conceived you.” The DNA of the father is always in the child. The reason the bible commands children to honor their father and mother. Confucius once said, “Fathers like mothers are not born. Men grow into fathers and fathering is a very important stage in man’s development.” Also, “Red Bottons opined, “I don’t care how poor a man is, if he has a family, he’s rich.” Some religious denominations think that because God is a Spirit, He can be addressed as He or She. This thought makes ordinary [religious] sense but biblically misleading. This new imagining thought process could be dangerously deceitful. But God is an Almighty Father and joins in the celebration of Fatherhood. He is also the Head of Jesus Christ [I Corinthians 11:3]. Every human experiences of fatherhood come from the Father of all creation and the Father of the Lord Jesus Christ…. [Ephesians 1:3].
Fatherhood begins when a man is born into a family. He conceives a vision and he marshals out goals to achieve the vision. Part of the reason of his vision is to accomplish why he was born and belong to greater family. He brings home a helper [a spouse] to assist him in his quest. It does not matter if the spouse may have come from a richer family background, have more education and /or bakes more bacon. What is important is that the man and the woman have cleaved together and become a unit and a couple [Genesis 2:24]. The mere fact that the man is married makes him a responsible person; for he fulfills God’s provision for a man – for it’s not good for man to be alone [ Proverbs 14:1; 18:22]. The man becomes a head of the family and be accorded such respect and honor. As God bless them with children, they become part of the success story of the marriage. The children live the life their father envisioned. The child may to his surprised see himself do what the father does [Proverbs 17:6]. When He looks at him, he sees his father in himself, because the DNA of the Father is in the child. This reflection is found in every child – male or female. Have you ever been puzzled by how your father’s life resembles his father’s, his grand father’s and yours? Little wonder Jesus said, “If you have known me you should have known my Father also………Believe me that I am in the father and the Father in me…..[John 14:7, 11].
We appreciate our fathers because they have given us opportunity to life and success. Your father is a gift from God. He’s a symbol of authority [not a carpet] and has spiritual oversight over the home, the Church and the society. So when Satan tries to attack a family he starts with the head. If the head becomes too strong for him to destroy, he attacks the body. Through a father and of course the mother, God hatched you into this world and in you is your father’s DNA that connect you with a wider family. In the same vein, when you have given your life to Christ and become saved, the life of the Father comes into you through Jesus Christ in the power of the Holy Spirit. The Father has given us an opportunity to live a sanctified life through faith in Jesus Christ. The life a child lives is given to him by the father and that cannot change. A child needs to celebrate his father as well as appreciates him. The man married his wife to help him pursue and accomplish his vision. She shares in the burden of her husband. She should not allow her vision to conflict with the vision of the husband rather it should complement it. Where her’s conflict with the husband’s the vision of the husband is under stress and subject to fail because it shall suffer divided attention. When two captains stir the ship, there is confusion and calamity.
That brings me to the story my father once told me: A certain man, a Palm wine taper married and was blessed with a son. When the child was still a baby, the woman took the son away after she had some irreconcilable issues with the father. The woman traveled to a city and commenced a local restaurant business and become well to do. The son was lucky to be considered for educational grant to study abroad. He traveled to Germany and studied medicine, became a Gynecologist Surgeon. He was brain washed by the mother to pay the father back whatever he spent on his behalf so as to change his name to his mother’s father name. The son returned to the father in his country and asked him for how much he spent on his behalf so that he can pay him. The father who was glad to see his son asked him to give him sometime to think about it. When the time came his son was still feeling strong about what he asked the father earlier. The father consulted and indeed invited members of his community. He invited his son and first blessed him; then he asked his son to give him the seed he put in his mother for him to be born. The son and those who escorted him became furious and left in anger. Four years later the young Doctor returned to his father and apologized for what he said. He told the father He has returned for good. He presented his father with gifts. Like the father of the biblical prodigal son, the father hugged him and rejoiced over his returned with members of his community.
A father may discipline his child: that usually appears painful at that point but later the child grows up to know it was for his own interest and benefits that he suffered those admonitions, pains and corrections. The writer of Hebrews says, “As you endure this discipline, remember that God is treating you as His own child…………No discipline is enjoyable while it’s happening – it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way” [Hebrews 12:7, 11]. A good father must exercise tough love and exemplary discipline for the writer of Proverbs gives the following advices: “Do not withhold correction from a child: for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. You shall beat him with a rod and deliver his soul from hell” [Proverbs 23:13-14]. “The rod and rebuke gives wisdom but a child left to him brings shame to his mother. Correct your son and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight to your soul” [Proverbs 29:15,17]. “Only a fool despises his father’s instructions. But he who receives correction is prudent” [Proverbs 15:5].
Some parents are divided when it comes to what constitutes the right discipline for a child. Some mothers are emotional in conflict and oppose the discipline father’s give their children; some of them were raised by fathers who abhorred discipline and others use it as a measure of buying a child’s favor but in most cases it turn back to bite and hurt them. When the child turns out to be bad and misbehaves, they blame the government, school districts and teachers, peer groups and every other institution as well as other persons except them for their failure to train the child. Some spouse would even blame the fathers openly for trying to discipline their children. They insult and threaten to sue teachers for trying to correct and discipline their children. I do not support raising a child under carrot and stick approach. It is not in the best interest of the child. Discipline to a child should be done in love and utmost care. Most people who lacked father’s love and care while growing up regret such vital omission; some of them are determined to improve their relations with their kids. I strongly believe that if one enjoyed a good rapport with his/her father while growing up, he/she would want his/her children to enjoy better bonding with their dad. Children often see their father as having answers to everything. “Fathers are the biggest source of strength for a child. The innocent eyes of a child perceive father as the all-powerful, most knowledge, truly affectionate and the most important person in the family. For daughters, fathers are the first men they adore and fall in love with. While for sons their fathers are the strongest person they know and someone they aspire to emulate.”
A father deserves honor but also has some responsibilities: 1. A father should be with the wife during birth to welcome the child. Lord Chesterfield says, “Don’t make a baby if you can’t be a father.” 2. He should love the mother of his children. Philip Whitmore sn, said, “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” 3. Train his children and give them exposure in life. Jim Tressel writing on The Game of Life opined thirty years ago, parents put as their top priority their children studying hard for academic excellence, becoming a man of good conscience, and growing as a human being. These days, with the possibility of lure of big money in sports, some parents push and support their children in areas of sport so as to make out of their children potential financial windfall. 4. Learn to listen more, trust and be a good role model. 5. Seek more opportunity to give your child a sense of belonging. Clarence Budington Kelland says, “My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass” Father would respond, “we are not raising grass, we’re raising boys.” 6. Express words of appreciation and praise more often. 7. Spend more time together with the family. Aldous Huxly says, “A man’s desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate him in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.” 8. Has spiritual oversight over the family. A father is a covenant person, highly respected and through him the children share the vision of humanity. He’s the source of life and authority. 9. Leave inheritance for his children [Proverbs 13:22; 20:20]. 10. Also He gives out their children [the brides] to marriage [Exodus 22:17]. Happy Father’s Day.
4.4 THE TAX COLLECTOR [PUBLICAN]
As we celebrate another Father’s Day, our nation and indeed the world is passing through economic recession and financial crises. Many businesses have been shut down while others down size their enterprises. The job market is deeply affected by these challenges, the greatest since Great Depression. On the other hand, there are wars and gongs of war every where around the globe. A great number of hard working and caring fathers are at war fronts away from families defending our nation and to liberate our world while others are out of job. Either way the families bear the rod and the consequences are begging for attention. A Tax Collector is a state employee who helps the government collect revenue for funding state projects: of keeping security, providing peace and orders and meeting other essential services [2 Kings 23:35]. Taxes are compulsory payments of percentage of income to government. During Jesus’ days, Caesar was the man in authority and it was an important issue that raised great controversies such that Jesus was confronted whether the people should pay taxes to Caesar; even though it was just to trap Him. In spite of His answer: to give to Caesar that which is Caesar and to God that which is God’s, it was later used as a charge against Jesus before Pilate [Luke 20:22-25; 23:2].
Generally people like to avert taxes even among well paid government representatives. In the early days tax collection could have been liken to going to war. The Tax Collector’s wages was depended on how much he collected. To enable the Tax Collector make adequate income for running the state budget; pay his bills and meet other needs, He became aggressive and persuasive, necessitating application of special skills including in-tricks. Even in our modern society, taxes are still collected by direct and indirect methods. People still apply different techniques to avert taxes. In some states and nations direct ways may include physical confrontation and invading personal space. People distaste this method and those who perform this ‘thankless job’ for the nation. Tax Collectors are no terrible people but the way some perform their assigned duties sometimes pervert justice and fairness. In the scriptures, they are accused of extortion, unjust, exploitation, adulterous and cheat [Luke 18:10ff].
One great quality of the biblical publican was that He had a job and was not ashamed of his means of livelihood. He learnt the skills of his job and did it well that he was prominent all over the place. He could be likened to the song, “of an old man who sells old cloths that lived at the corner; wherever you go you must hear of the old cloth; that old man who sells old cloths.” He enjoyed the benefits of his job; cared for his family and paid his bills. He believed in God as a Heavenly Father and his Creator who supplies, provides and protects beyond our imaginations. We who are earthly fathers should follow the example of our Heavenly Father and work hard, confronting challenges of race, ascent, culture and proper authorization to work and reside, etc.
He also believed in the efficacy of prayer and his need for mercy. The publican understood the place of mercy in the hand of God and that it was a thing only God can give. He knelt down humbly, raised his eyes to heaven and cried for mercy. Like the Psalmist, he knows where mercy comes from. My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth [Psalm 121:1-2]. Another character, Blind Bartimaeus also understood the source and power of mercy. Little wonder when He heard Jesus passing by he shouted the more: Jesus, Son of David have mercy on me. He did not consider or dwelled on his disability and predicament. He did not mind that His disciples scolded him to be quiet. Unbelievably, in the midst of that noisy crowd, Jesus heard that voice of the blind. When the Master stooped and turned around, the same people that scolded him said to him, “Get up, He’s calling you.” Right at that moment, in that atmosphere of surprise and favor, there was an open heaven.
The blind man called Him not only Jesus, but also Son of David [His ancestral name] that none of those who scorned the blind neither believed in nor ever addressed Him. The blind man action showed that he knew and believed in His ancestral origin and did not miss the unusual opportunity to put his faith to work. The Master stop to know who the man was that knew Him even from His ancestors. I believed that it was the blind man’s faith, his resilient and perseverance that forced Jesus to stop and turned to the blind. When Jesus stop, everything in God’s kingdom and on earth halted. .Jesus said to His disciples, call him. His disciples turned around and said to him, “Get up, He calls you” and suddenly a nobody became somebody, a recognized person. In that realm and moment, in His presence, nobody could sidetrack or ignore him anymore.
The Publican knew one thing the Pharisee did not know: that God chose him out of His rich mercies [Ephesians 2:4]. He knew that mercy does not judge you or count your wrongs; listen to what other people say about you. Mercy does not know your sins, whether you’re educated or not; whether you are rich or poor. Mercy does not know whether you live in the White House or in the suburban; white or black, a Republican or Democrat. Neither mercy checks our bank accounts nor our past records. Governments and organizations conduct backgrounds checks on people but mercy does not. Mercy covers all iniquities and that of your parents, even that of your ancestors. Mercy takes us to the place of grace and not of pride or in corrector’s role, where a kettle calls a pot black. This is where men and father’s need to be and hold our chest crying, God be merciful to us sinners [Luke 18:13]. The Tax Collector understood it was not his place or portion to answer a fool according to his folly less he also be like him; a man’s pride will bring him low but the humble in spirit will be honored [Proverbs 26:4; 29:23].
Like the Publican, fathers are urged to rise up and do not mind doing ‘dirty jobs’ to pay our bills and provide the needs of our families; for doing that bring great honor. We should acknowledge our shortcomings and trust God for His grace and mercies. We should rise up early and tarry late night to cry unto God for our lives and daily endeavor; that of our families. Its high time father’s learnt to accept their failures and repent on our kneels: for the sins of thoughts, words, actions and silences; the failures of our families, communities and nations as well as our age and world. We have failed in leadership, in fatherhood; perseverance and preserving our cultures as well as protecting our world. We have not raised our voices against the ills and vices of our families and society; have alienated from God and the Church and become unbelieving believers. We have allowed Satan into our household and the result is alternative lifestyle, and the ills of swing ling clubs, etc.
Our children have been raised to believe in the alternative gods and multiplicity of gods and religion. We have not provided to them secured and happy life at homes and they are looking for it in gangs, witchcrafts, and alternative lifestyles, etc. We have no other choice as father’s and men than to return to God and cry for mercy. God, who sits at the throne of mercy shall hear us, forgive us; heal and restore us, our families and nations. God has given father the authority and spiritual oversight over their households; we must not back down in the fierce of the battle. Let us return to Him for strength and power to do the assignment, even as we face the most difficult challenge of cleaving in family wellbeing. He alone works things out. Arise oh fathers, men of God, arise. Jim Valvano said, “I’ve had a hard life, but my hardships are nothing against the hardships that my father went through in order to get me to where I started.” Lastly, Lord Chesterfield opined, “Don’t make baby, if you can’t be a father.”
4.5 JOB – AN EXCEPTIONAL FATHER.
There is a name that many people do not fancy and some dare not give their siblings. The name is synonymous with suffering and no one likes or enjoys suffering. That name is Job; a man from the land of UZ. Somehow someone’s name contributes to the way the person behaves. That name is an example of why bad things happen to good people. It makes life difficult to understand. Each time one poses that question to another: why do bad things happen to good people, the answer is often elusive, hidden and incomprehensible. When the Old Testament sufferer Job attempted to obtain the answer from God, he ended up repenting for his action: “Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know” [Job 42:3]. For God sake how do we explain these vague tragedies? Yet this name is the finest of name and the book, the most thrilling to read.
It makes sense when an accident happens to a reckless driver. It appears fair or justifiable if a careless and reckless sex maniac contact HIV and AID. Most time a good woman marries an unfaithful and uncaring husband and vice versa. The character of the man we learn today is a case of an exceptional man, caring husband and loving father. He was a man of impeccable character a man of integrity who was blameless and upright; feared God and shunned evil. God boasted to Satan about Job, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who feared God and shun evil.” This was God’s affirmation and not human. “……Behold the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom; and to depart from evil is understanding” [Job 1:8; 28:28]. He pleased God in his moral and spiritual Character. Job was a good family man, happily married and a father of seven sons and three daughters. He was indeed a father who provided and protected; availed his children and friends the opportunity and privileged of gathering together for entertainment and recreation.
The biblical Job was not only considered wealthy but also successful and prosperous; was blessed with thousands of husbandries and large retinue of hard working and dutiful servants. He enjoyed affluence of power and prominence and wielded great economic influence in and around his community to the extent that the bible describes him as the greatest man among all the people of the East [Job 1:3]. His children were also blessed and prospered in the land. Job loved his household and daily early in the morning he rose up to worship God; offered sacrifices on their behalf and sanctified them, peradventure they sinned against God and cursed Him in their hearts. He was holiness conscious and always engaged in things that pleased God. In Navigating The Storms of Life, Gary Inrig opined, “Job is a pillar of moral integrity, a model of Spiritual authenticity, and a recognized and respected success.”
But one day Satan struck and Job went through catastrophes of bad and hurtful events. Suddenly everything changed and Job’s life tore apart. It was the beginning of the avalanche of troubles. Do please spare me the ugliness of not mentioning them here. However to say the least, the biblical Job went through the valley of worst happenings; loosing what He care and worked for most; a combination of terror with unimagined financial and personal losses. In a split of a second, Job was deformed from the greatest man of the East to the most desolate man on earth. He suffered diseases that afflicted painful sore all over his body. His health deteriorated and he became socially isolated.
Men and fathers, we are at a difficult time in history. In our age and time, our world and nations of the world are experiencing worst financial crises and economic depression next to Great Depression. We face the worst social injustice and economic imbalance resulting to wars and trivial disturbances everywhere. Our world has never had peace and the closer we attempt to get to it the elusive it becomes. On the other hand natural calamities have suddenly invaded our world and threatened our existence; these pose unexplainable danger to our life and earthly inhabitance. A great number of young men and fathers have lost their jobs and unable to provide for their families. Others are at war fronts fighting to keep our world at peace and from being over turned by enemies of our societies. We are at an age where our cultural and original family values are threatened and challenged; yet we suffer from the sins of not speaking up and doing nothing. We prefer to be politically sensitive and correct for the price of speaking the truth.
And yet the scripture says, Job would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of the household. The psalmist says my voice you shall hear in the morning. I will direct it to you and I will look up [Psalm 5:3]. Does that practice sound strange to our culture? It’s no doubt that some fathers know nothing about the significance of rising up early and worship God; taking charge of the morning and causing the dawn to know its place, that it might take hold of the ends of the earth and the wicked be shaken out of it [Job 38:12-13]. The call and practice to start every new day with its creator is not only spiritual but morally justifiable. In the morning, early in the new dawn, you lift up the name of Jesus high and every other name bow to Him.
In worship, you overturn every plan and decision of the late night meeting of the enemies against your destiny and that of your household. You kick away the influence of unfriendly friends out of your life; loose helpers, and every other tool you need for the day. You begin the day taking authority over your life, your children and household and ask for open doors and open heavens.
Highlights of Job’s character:
– Job was a father and head that had a family Alter and led his children in worship [Genesis 3:16; Ephesians 5:23].He provided and protected his family.
– He loved God first and placed a priority over his relationship with Him. He loved his wife but that had no comparison with his love for his creator. When his wife urged him to curse God and die, for his sufferings and calamities, Job rebuked her because he knew when and where to draw the line [Job 2:9-10].
– God knew Job has a heart for Him [Job 1:9] just like He trusted Abraham [Genesis 22:12]. He did not take his wealth for granted and alienated from God. Rather his wealth drove him to greater closeness and intimacy with God.
– Job loved his children: lead them in worship and train them to love God [Psalm 78:5-6; Job 1:18-22]. Jimmy Piersal opined, “He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” Red Buttons once said, “I don’t care how poor a man is; if he has family, he’s rich.” Family is a great wealth and blessings from God. The devil knows it and tries hard to destroy it. The more reason fathers are challenged to put a hedge over it.
God calls some fathers blameless and righteous –Abraham, Zacharias, etc. It did not means, they had no errors but they knew how to return to God and ask for mercy. What would God say about you? Can God depend on you to raise your children and household rightly towards Him? Can He use fathers as vessels of change to our society and sign post of Christ. When Job heard all that befell him, he neither complained nor angered; He did not ask like Gideon: why then has all this happened to me? [Judges 6:13]; but bent down and worship God. God’s purpose is to magnify His glory while Satan’s is to defame God and deface His glory. Fathers, it’s time to return to our first love and worship God in and for everything.
4.6 FATHERS COMMAND YOUR CHILDREN AND HOUSEHOLD.
“It’s easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.” Pope John xxiii
Hulaaah, it’s another Father’s Day; let’s celebrate it together. By celebrating fathers, we appreciate the important role they play in the family. It’s a way of restoring the image and authority that had long been wrist away in many homes; where moms and grandmas raised children, dad’s absence. We return the honor to the family as we reinstate the headship as designed and instituted by God. By so doing we honor God who had created marriage institution and set up the authority of a man over his household. The scripture says the head of Christ is God, the Father, while the head of man is Christ and man is the head of a woman [1 Corinthians 11:3]. That means even within the Trinity where they are fully God and perfectly equal in essence, there is a head [John 10:30; 14:9-10]. The scripture is quite clear in assigning headship in every family to a husband, not to the wife and the responsibility of teaching and leading the home and Church to a man not a woman; men should not abdicate that function. Man and women are spiritual equals [the redeemed of the Lord] in the sight of God. However the role they perform in the family and Church clearly differ [1 Timothy 2:12; 1 Peter 3:7]. Mothers normally give care and comfort while fathers focus on teaching children about the world around them
The husband is the head but the wife is the neck without which the head may not turn. This is a mystery of God both in the family and Church. This could make or mar your marriage, profession and relationship with God and man. The word of God is eternal even when you attempt to twist it to suit your behavior, it does not change. People of all ages have tried to dip and skip the word of God but thank God it has been secured in heaven. As for God His way is perfect [Psalms 18:30ff].The consequences of man’s erring behaviors are commonplace. Even in this troubling times and age in our history, men should carry out this responsibility like a life fish swimming against all the currents. It may not be easy especially in the society we live in. The institution of fatherhood has suffered great set back to the extent that some children do not believe in the place of father in the family because they never had one. There is also deliberate fight for headship that has resulted into conflict leadership in some homes. What happens is that the two captains in the family ship give conflicting directions and continuously live in disagreement. This plants seeds of discord in the family. “When two elephants fight the grass [children] suffers.” Again it appears the institution of fatherhood is offered for sale depending on who bakes more bacon and can pay the price. This state of affair causes disharmony and disunity in the family and body of Christ as well as before God, whom we claim to worship and serve.
Fathering in this age and society can be challenging and extreme difficult but men must take their calling seriously and be as wise as serpent, applying all wisdom. Successful fathering requires the father being personally and actively involved in the training the children. Fathers need to influence their children just like God commands [Deuteronomy 6:5-9]. God’s command is control by His unconditional love; being there for us even when we err and fallen short of his expectation. God in Christ demonstrated the agape love in the parable of the prodigal son [Luke 15:11ff]. In the scripture, God had singled out some great fathers who demonstrated good parenting skills and godly qualities; such a man in the like of father Abraham whom God recognized his upbringing and parenting skills. King David messed up after God had shown him favor and lifted him to a place of prominence. But he applied rebound technique and had the privilege to enjoy the power of God’s forgiveness and restoration. The scripture also recognized fathers who enjoyed the high office of leadership but could not raise their family after God [1 Samuel.2:22ff]. Little wonder some people are successful in the office but failure at home.
Concerning the father Abraham, the Lord God said, “Shall I hide from Abraham that thing I wish to do? Seeing that Abraham shall surely become a great and mighty nation and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him? For I know him that he will command his children and his household after him and they shall keep the way of the Lord, to do justice and judgment……” [Genesis 18:17-19].
The implications of God’s statement are:
*Shall I hide from him? God is comfortable with and trusted Abraham such as to make him a revelation to his generation. The secret things belong to God; He only reveals them. When you are obedience to God, He reveals to you the deep things that are mysterious. If God would not hide his secrets from you, you’ve become not only his child but a friend. Apart from Abraham, God revealed His secrets to Noah, Samuel, Daniel, Joseph etc; He still does even in our days and time. Can God trust and depend on your obedience and faith for a revelation to your household and generation?
*Become a mighty and great nation. God has made him an institution, authority with great dominion. He will be a nation with ambassadorial authority of heaven and through which God intend to establish His kingdom. Little wonder God would not hide his secret, whether it’s good or bad [Genesis 18:16ff]
*For I know [yada] Him. I have a personal experience and intimacy with him; I can feel his heart beat. I can depend on him and trust his decision, that he will be subject to me and obey me. He appreciates that which I have entrusted into his care and depend on me to fulfill and satisfy them; command them into fruitfulness and success.
*Command his children and household after God. He will lead, train, instruct and teach his child and household to fear and obey God. Read, meditate and reflect the word daily. He will pray his family and all that live in his household to fully surrender to God as their source of living and satisfier. He shall be exemplary to his children and household such that they will reveal the love inside to outsiders [Genesis 17:23ff].
* They shall keep the way of the Lord. As for God His way is perfect [Psalm 18:30]. They shall obey Him even when it makes no natural sense. They shall follow Him even when they do not know where they are going: shall yield their lives to Him and do whatever He says even when they do not know the outcome.
* To do justice and judgment: By justice, we mean righteousness, fairness and equity; the use of authority in the fear of God to obtain right judgment. Any thing short of justice is bias, partiality and lack of mercy.
God is looking for fathers who will train [not only teach] their children and household on how to fear and seek after God; to listen, obey, depend and wait on Him. Fathers who are willing to leave their familiar and comfort zone in obedience to God’s command and follow Him, even when they do not know where they are going or the outcome.[Genesis 12:1ff]. God seeks fathers who will believe the word more than news reports and physicians findings; those who call on God before 911. He is looking for men who will fall and rise again and again until they fall no more. David was a man after God’s own heart, yet he made mistakes and repented; God still used him to accomplish many tasks. He enjoyed God’s forgiveness, mercies and grace as well as unconditional love.
God is seeking fathers who would care enough to know what happens to their children and household; where they are and who are their friends. These fathers shall know what they are exposed to: communication, environmental, physiological and spiritual. In these days and time we need to know who they chat and hang out with. He needs a prodigal father who will keep open hearts for their children and forgive them unconditionally; must be as compassionate as Moses and teach his kids the skills to face their world. God is looking for a father who will be a good husband to his wife and mother of his kids. A father whose wife will respect and selflessly support his ministry and vision in life, not one who is cantankerous and always attempt to control as well as become wet blanket [Genesis 2:18ff]. Some wives respect their men and know how to allow them be the husband of the home. We wish our fathers fruitful celebration.
4.7 A Compassionate Spirit
As a follow up to my various presentations on different aspects of marriage life and reactions from responsive readers to my columns in different newspapers, I have been severally asked: How do you know a good spouse as well as choose one? What behavior and attitude would you look out for? Are there signs to look for and background checks to carry out? These questions and others have continuously bothered young people who desire to have blissful marriage life but engulfed in a near fatherless society where divorce rate is souring high and the consequences begging for urgent attention. I do not claim to have all the answers, but by studies and experience knowledge, I could proffer some insights. In the first part of my response titled, “Helpmate Spirit” I tired to shade light on some of the qualities a man should look for in a woman that he intends to date and marry. In this presentation titled, “Compassionate Spirit” I shall in the same vein, attempt to consider: what a woman looks for in a man that could make a good date and husband? What character traits should she look for? The word, “Compassionate” could be an adjective or transitive verb. Literally, it could be described as: ‘having a temper, disposition to pity, to sympathize with, be merciful, to commiserate, etc; there never was any heart truly great and generous that was not also tender and compassionate.’
This brought to mind the story of the Israelites and Moses, their God chosen leader. Despite the fact that Moses was God’s choice and a compassionate leader, the Israelites criticized him and his God; they were stubborn, very unyielding and disobedient. At different phase in the wilderness experiences they behave uncompromisingly, unruly to Moses. After witnessing all the uncommon miracles that God performed in the hand of Moses: from the confrontations of Pharaoh to let the children of Israel go, to the miracles of dividing the Red seas yet they turned against Moses anyway and of course his God; chose, make and worship Baal [Exodus 32:9-14ff, 32]. God wrath burnt hot against them and He described them as “stiff-necked people” [vs 9]; He had intended to destroy all of them. God then asked Moses to give way so that He would consume them and make him a great nation [vs 10]. But Moses consumed with compassion humbly pleaded with God on their behalf and said if you will not forgive them, I pray you blot my name in your book which you have written [vs 31-32]. Moses did not mind that these people had verbally abused him, insulted him and became disobedient but he still cared for and loved them anyway. Their stubbornness and unruly behaviors provoked Moses to anger that caused God to make him only see but did not enter the PromiseLand. Yet Moses loved them and pleaded their cause. He was described as the most compassionate leader in the scripture. He stood in gab for the people he loved before God and pleaded that he was nothing without them. God had to restraint himself and His wrath because of Moses pleading. Even today, God has not changed. When God finds one who is obedient and reference Him with a compassionate spirit for His people, He listens and honors him/her. This story brings with it many attributes that could applied for good man and husband.
Some character traits a woman considers in a man she dates for a husband:
Protector: God designed and created marriage and in His blue print had a coupling of two distinct designs, one male and one female [Genesis 1:27]. James Walker in his book titled, Husband who won’t lead and wife who won’t follow said, “Deep within each man and woman is a common longing: the desire to find comfort, companionship and fulfillment. God installed this longing in us for a purpose: one of the purposes of marriage for a man is to become as truly masculine as he can be. Likewise, a woman’s fulfillment in marriage comes as she become as distinctively feminine as she can be. Each will have a unique role and definable function.” He added, “Throughout recorded history, society has depended on male protection and what men by their strength provide. In the short span of the last hundred years, we have taken away a man’s hunting rifle and put him at a computer – which may have obscured but not removed him from the role of a protector.”
Preserve in Faith: The person must be God fearing, holding faith and good conscience; preferable a born again. Do not even at all think of marrying an unbeliever, with the hope you will convert him. While it’s not impossible but an uphill task and may turn out a disappointment. Again the scripture warns we should not be equally yoke with unbeliever [2 Corinthians 6:14-16; 1 Corinthians 2:14]. You may say he was born into a Christian home and the father is a bishop or the foundation member of a Church denomination or the mother is women leader in a Church. He is simply a Church goer and religious but if he’s not saved, it’s not good enough; God does not approve it. More so marrying an unbeliever is disobeying God’s instruction. Try to resist whatever pressure that is attracting you or every inclination to work against God commandment; whether it is riches, firm, gain or ego, it will end up hindering you achieving your goal. He must be someone establish in faith and matured in the Lord. Two of you shall agree on a thing in prayers and obtains God’s favor as God’s children. Again if the head is deep in faith it shall overflow and affect the whole body.
Maturity: The American Heritage College Dictionary describes it as a state of having reached full natural growth or development; having reached a desired or final condition and completion. It relates to or characteristic of full development of physical, mental and spiritual growth suitable for adults; having reached a maximum development of form that no longer subject to great expansion or development. Marriage is not a boy and girl [amateur] relationship, who are still sucking milk [or mamma’s boy]; who has no will of his own. A man in marriage must not only be spiritually but physically matured. He must be able to know who he is, exercise his authority as God’s symbol, know his privileges and boundaries [Genesis1:28-30; 2:7-8]; understand the signs of the times and be able to discern the games of intruder [Genesis 3:1ff]. He must be able to give sense of directions, keep communication open and answer responsibly on behalf of the wife and children [Genesis 3:8-10]. A husband must be able to give his spouse affection and love; understand the game of love, conduct and rule his household after God. Some men are overgrown baby boys who still have to confer with their parents before reaching a decision with their wives. The scripture says, For this reason a man [not a boy or baby] shall leave His father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife and shall become one [Genesis 2:24; Matthew 12:47-50].
Provider: A man should have a viable means of livelihood or job prospect. This will enable him fulfill his responsibility to the spouse and family. From the genesis of life, God gave man the responsibility of cultivating the earth [Genesis 2:15]; his nature of masculinity drives him to provide for his family’s needs. It gives him great satisfaction and respect to perform the function of a provider. The book, Building a fulfilling marital relationship says God has confidence in the Christian man, expecting him to provide leadership, care and love for his wife and the home entirely on behalf of the Lord. He must be so matured and understanding as to bear any shock arising from his intimate knowledge of his wife. He is to responsibly seek help and salvation and divine covering for her.” Even though whatever a wife is, has, does or achieves is to the glory of the husband; she is a helper to the husband. She should not be made to bear alone the whole family financial responsibility. A man should be able to work and contribute his own quarter of the family needs. Infact, women look forward to receiving something no matter how small to add to the family upkeep. When a woman has more economic power than the husband, often there are tempted and inclined to assuming leadership of the home: I mean to put their mouths where their moneys are especially in Advance world.
Compassionate: A preacher once said, “if your husband is not your Moses [the most compassionate man and leader in the scripture], then you will experience problems in your marriage. A compassionate man is one who exhibit love in action. He loves his wife as himself; bear, respect and treat her as his body. A man who must not count wrongs but dwell with his wife in wisdom, understanding, giving to her and treating her as a weaker vessel…….[1Peter 3:7-9]. He must be a man who will not bear bitterness in his heart towards his wife but treat her tenderly and always forgiving her [Colossians 3:19]. We should not loose sight that we are a forgiven people saved by grace of God. A compassionate man is one who does thing without grudges, grumbling, complaining and disputing [Philippians 2:14; Colossians 3:19].
Love and respect for family: A man who loves his family will protect his wife and children. He will ensure he works to provide for their needs. He will respect the opinions of the wife and crave time to listen to his wife and children. He will respect not only his immediate family but also the families of in-laws and his extended family. You could force someone to obey another but you cannot force him/her to respect another person. You cannot claim to love someone until you first respect the person. When you respect someone you can be submissive to him/her. Little surprised the scripture calls for mutual respect and submission. Like wise husbands ………..giving honor unto your wife as unto a weaker vessel….. [1 Peter 3:7]. Honor is considered as a higher regards and respect. People earn respect; you cannot force another to respect you. Such a man should have great love for the family: wife, children, and be willing to support them [Colossians 3:19; Ephesians 5:25].
Support the wife’s dream: Some men hold to the fact that God created a woman out of a man to be his helper and serve him. Yes, this is half the truth. She was created out of man to become part of him and be a companion and completion. A woman may have a dream and a vision for good of her man and family. Such vision if supported may turn out to be a blessing to the man and the family. The family could be uplifted by the trade of the woman. His man should support her to acquire necessary skills that will help achieve her dreams. Women who acquire the right skills are in high demand in work places. The insinuation that men are jittery if their spouses possess higher skills and earn more income is not universal. What is wrong is if she allows that higher skill or income to get into her head and beginning to be controlling and bossy. However, I have witnessed incidences where men have helped their wives to achieve their dreams and climb to an enviable height only for them to turn around and look down on the husband and most cases behave as if the husbands are no longer part of them and instrumental to their successes. They easily forget who placed the ladder that took them to the top. Again, supporting each other’s dreams whether of acquiring higher skills or making more money, should not override the importance of raising a strong family. Some people are high flayers at work but failures at home.
Honest and Trustworthy: A woman needs someone whom she can trust. The person must be honest, reliable and sincere. He shall neither lie nor possess doubtful character. He must speak the truth always and hold high sense of morality. In our world people lie in words, actions and silences. He must be responsible and accountable for his words and actions. He must be a transparent Christian without deceit and guile; someone whose love for God shall constraint to tell the truth at all times and strives to live in righteousness.
Have an achievable goal: Some men have goals that would be mysterious to attain while others have no goals at all. They are double minded or rolling stone that only gather dust. A man must cultivate a habit of setting goals and having plans to work on. There are short and long term plans. “People do not generally plan to fail but fail to plan.” A vision brings forth a mission and where there is a vision there is a provision. Do not forget that the glory goes not to the planter or one who waters but to one who gives the increase. With God all things are possible.
Self Control and discipline: Most people live by feelings and sight. But a man of faith learns how to be obedient and where to draw the line. He must be a man of faith; not given to drunkenness and restrict himself to moderation. He’s not a man who can’t pass anything in skeet. He must watch and be careful to exercise control over the three “Ws’: women, wine and weed. A man who can exercise authority over his household and have the practice of tarrying before God on his kneels. He must not be greedy for money, not violent, not quarrelsome…… [1 Timothy 3:2-7]. Robert S. McGee in his book, Discipline with love opines appropriate discipline establishes limits and boundaries that curtail unacceptable behavior [indiscipline]; these limits when internalized form a healthy self control. A husband should not take revenge and punishment as a way to get respect and submissiveness. Godly discipline is rooted in love in action and produces respect, understanding and submissiveness.
Compliments: He must be a man who can appreciate his spouse and her effects. He must not only have it in mind but say it out to her. He must learn to express three unique phrases: Thank you [or I appreciate], I’m sorry and Excuse me. He should render to his spouse affection due to her and uphold her in good and bad times [1 Corinthians 7:3]. He should be able to nourish and cherish his wife spiritually, physically and emotionally.
Friend and confidant: Most couples are just husband and wife but no friends. Their relationship has not graduated into intimacy. They cannot dance the dance of love: sharing, serving and honoring each other. They grow to become part and parcel of each other and know themselves. A man who should be driven by love and become confidant and trusted friend.
A Leader and Head: A husband is a head and leader to his wife and household. Leadership in God’s kingdom is not by ruling and lording it over others. In God’s kingdom and household a leader demonstrate exemplary skills. Remember you delegate what you can do and not what you cannot do. Your leadership must be driven by compassion. To love is to obey God’s commandments. God has commanded us to love our wives as Christ loves the Church. Just like in Trinity, God the Father is the head though they are equal; so do we have in marriage, the husband is the head of the wife. The head is the highest point in the body and co-ordinates all part of the body. He also gives the body right sense of belonging and identity [Ephesians 1:22, 5:23; 1 Corinthians 11:3]. “The head must also appreciate the indispensability of the body because no head can achieve anything without the body. Neither can the body do anything without the head.”
Chapter 5: PREPARE FOR RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT
CONTENT:
5.1 Relationship, the core to marriage success or failure
5.2 Biblical view of Christian Marriage and money
5.3 Mutual Respect
5.4 Forgiveness – hallmark of wellness
5.5 Putting the pieces together
5.6 Find inside solutions to inside problems
5.7 Good players, bad team
5.1 Relationship, the core to marriage success or failure
Relationship in marriage rests on intimacy, mutual respect and willingness to accept spouse differences. In relationship, couples enjoy love, being with one another and accommodating their differences. They feel concern, combat and spew out whatever attempts to come in between them or spoil their joy. They seek after things that would create, infuse and provoke more acceptance, joyfulness and intimacy amongst them; try not to waste precious time on issues that would never go away. Instead they find ways to celebrate and appreciate their lives together; dwell on the things that unite them. Daily they yield to God in worship and to each other in commitment. They renew their vows and determination to sustain the relationship and accept the challenges to make this difficult task/journey workable. Some married couples show no respect and pay no attention to what happen to their spouse. They cleave together but are still two persons [flesh]. Even though they are married, their relationship has not grown positively or no longer exists. Surprisingly, relationship is the core to marriage success or failure.
It’s not strange that people take important things common only to cry had I known when they loose them. “We live life forward and learn from it backward.” We learnt from the story of biblical Adam and Eve the ills of relationship taken for granted. Adam and Eve had enjoyed wholesomely God’s presence, God’s love and relationship to the extent that they took it common. The woman consequently took her husband’s authority and love for granted and it no longer deserved the honor and respects it worth. Eve turned her focus and attention to the serpent and started listening to its lies. What you listen to influence and affect your life and behavior. The more she listened to the serpent the more she believed his deceit and the less of God’s truth she believed as well as her husband’s. The element of doubt set in, grew deep and held strong roots. It was not long, she decided to try out serpent’s lies. The result is common knowledge. Both took their focus off from God and placed it on the serpent; took God’s love for granted. God loved them unconditionally and provided all their needs. He was always there with his glorious presence and shared His love with them. In their eyes, He became common even though he is still God.
Today some Christians take God’s love and grace for granted. They may not have a healthy relationship with Christ and care little about it. They believe God is always present and loves unconditionally. He paid for their sins through the dead of His Son, Christ Jesus on the cross of shame. He’s therefore sufficient in mercies and grace. They became religious and lived in wrong doings. The scripture ask: shall we continue in wrong doings so grace may abound, the answer is not no or I think not but: God forbid. Today in this odd world, we have more religion but less Christianity, plan more but accomplish less, work two jobs but have less healthy family and have higher knowledge/learning but lower morals. We talk about Church functions and religious activities but none helps one another or wear the sign post of Christ. We pretend in Church and public outings but our inner character is in a mess. We may have conquered the world space but our inner space is in slavery. We celebrate and commemorate our wedding dates but have lost the relationship. We keep records of wrong doings and have no remembrance of God’s love and mercies. Some are born again but stagnant; such people take their Christianity common leaving non-Christians to believe that Christianity is a weak faith. That is far from right.
Most marriage relationships are on trial and taken for granted. Even when the relationship has deceased, they live like cotenants but neither separated nor divorced because of attempts to protect their lost prestige, fear of what people say, financial coexistence and perhaps the children. When you ask them about their relationship, they enumerate the bills they pay, how many jobs they do and the provision for children. As good as these gestures are it’s much but nothing when the relationship is fade. When the relationship has lost it taste or consciously not cared for and undernourished, whatever follows is artificial and meaningless; at best cheerful deceit. As many as take their relationship for granted have shifted focus to other things/ people. There’s no empty space in life; something, somewhere occupies their mind. It could happen unawares and continue to roam their thoughts and rules their lives. The truth remains that nothing replaces one’s spouse, not even the children or other friends and acquaintances.
What suddenly happened to this amazing couple who had great passion towards each other during their courtship and in early time of marriage? They never slept or parted without emotional kisses; waited for one another at the car parks and always walked into church auditorium and shopping malls holding hands together. They picked one another to films, beaches, eat outs and fellowships; were full of surprises at one another including exchange of gifts. Why the sudden complains that the other asks for more attention than one can afford. Why don’t they walk hand in hand, cuddling and smiling as they did in the past? These days they work lonely together; no more smiles and chatting in the car and strolling down the street. They hardly spend quality time together. I can’t believe they sleep in different rooms and have lost interest in romance. It appears the intimacy is gone and couples withdrawn to their little corners.
John Gottman, Julie Gottman and Joan Declaire writing from ‘10 lessons to transform your marriage’ in Readers Digest of June, 2006, stated two truths about happy marriages:[i]Happy married couples behave like good friends. Their relationships are characterized by respect, affection and empathy; they pay close attention to what happens in each others lives.[ii]Happily married couple handle conflicts in gentle positive ways. They recognize some conflicts are inevitable but they don’t get gridlocked in separate positions. Instead they keep talking, listen respectfully to each other and finding compromises that work for both of them. For this reason they opined that “every marriage has perpetual issues – conflicts based on personality that never go away.” How we accommodate these differences [if not over bearing], and tolerate flaws in behaviors determines success or failure in our marriage relationship.
When relationship is taken for granted, it start loosing its vitality and begin to rot. If left unredeemed and salvaged, it gets beyond repairable condition and become stinky; the outsiders whom they tried to hide the rot from initially would smell it and get attracted to it. The children would observe their parents show no respect for themselves in speeches and actions, so they play games. When this happens the tendency especially among weak parents is try to buy the children’s love with gifts which is also artificial. If they cared much for the children they would’ve kept the relationship by exercising mutual respect. Don’t forget that before the children were couples and after the children they shall be if the relationship survives. Again, a strong relationship breeds healthy family and children. Couples in dwindling relationship leave home in the morning and return next day [working two jobs] without talking /calling one another. They may call their friends, acquaintances and perhaps children; chat with other people and enjoy their jokes and advices but not their spouses. However sharing feelings and needs together is crucial means of communication that strengthens the relationship. Again marriages need affective communication in order to thrive. “Talking to each other during the day keeps you connected and allows you to share your ups and downs.” Marriage therapists have found that couples can live in harmony and peaceful with perpetual issues as long as they talk about them in an open productive ways.
Most couples claim they love themselves but exhibit behaviors that portray the opposite. You can not love or submit to one another without first respecting each other. This lapse is the reason most discussions end in conflict and big time quarrels even to the surprise of the couples. They might’ve noticed the misfortune but instead of trying to discuss them, they begin to distance each other. Alienation has never solved problems for couples but worsen them. That cannot keep the conflict away. You will observe the couples behave carelessly or nonchalantly to the other. It simply signifies what can you do? Whatever you want to do, do it quick; I do not care. My focus is some where-else. That’s the sum of lack of mutual respect and love. Such relationship is sick and need help. Unknown to them they could be under Satanic attack of Spiritual household wickedness, seeds of marital failures from ancestral trees of evil inheritance, inherited curses of law upon the families of origins affecting their marriage or forms of bondage peculiar to people from their family lineage. It could be powers or Spirits assigned to destroy their marriage, finance and prosperity, out of hatred, jealousy and mere wickedness. On the other hand one of them could be engaged in evil Spiritual marriage. Something is not going right. These Spirits provoke them to just hate themselves not knowing the reasons. Everything about the couples bugs the other. They squabble, bicker and fight all the time and are not in the life of the other. They hardly touch one another. That’s weird, isn’t it? They may accuse other people /vices of causing their problem but not knowing the cause is in them. Some of them do not believe in demons and reluctance to seek deliverance. We do not war with the flesh; our weapons of warfare are not carnal but Spiritual that destroys enemy’s strongholds. [2 Cor.10:3-4].This is beyond mere saying. Spiritual victories result from Spiritual warfare.
No matter what has put you down, hold your confession strong and dare not fear the devil because Jesus is present to raise you up; had through his death on the cross defeated the common foe called Satan. By the testimony of our mouth and pleading the blood of Jesus we overcome and conquer Satan [Rev.12:11]. We need not be afraid of Satan and legions of demons because He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world. Again God has made a way of escape in the powerful name of Jesus. The scriptures alert us that Satan and his demons are now awaiting final crush by Jesus the king of glory. No matter what the bondages you are being held Jesus looses every chain of the enemies and set you free. He can also redeem your marriage and set you on better footing.
The Gracia-Prats and Claire Cassidy writing on Good families don’t just happen said, “Good communication requires practice, constant efforts, determined Spirit, understanding and trust. Sharing your time and your heart with your spouse is what matters in the long run, not dozen of roses or meaningless gifts/dinner” Many couples are just husbands and wives but not friends or best friends. Is your spouse your best friend? Little wonder one crazy young man said, ‘marriage kills love.’ That is why minor issues are easily blown up. Being friends and laughing together are integral part of marriage relationship. Some couples are so tensed up against each other that there’s no room for minor jokes. Many spend better time at work and just come home when they shall not meet the other. Asked when last you eat together, showered or even watched television together and prayed together? Their answers may surprise you. They are quick to take out work and financial stress on their spouses. Some in the midst of all this ‘silence war’ behave as if they don’t care – it does not matter and living as if that alternative is sure and better. The truth is when a person shifts his/her focus from his/her spouse onto other things or person he/she feel some sense of infatuation and near security; but it’s all fake and unsure. Again you may have been praying for God to heal your marriage and none of the couples work towards making it happens; then there’s no vessel for God to use. You can deceive yourself and the world around you for a time but not always; God knows the truth.
Sometime it’s better for the couples to exercise time-out awhile to see whether they still need each other. This is also an interval to seek help if they need one. You may spend time in prayers and fasting but there is mountains of unforgivenesses and strong won’t standing tall against your answers. You could spend time and resources trying to fix an irreparable dead junk in vain. It may do you well allowing sleeping dog lie. If you take your relationship for granted don’t be surprised when it collapse; nobody shall help you fix it. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. In most divorce/ separation incidences, the remote cause is always taking your relationship for granted. The second is behaving as if one doesn’t care anymore or it does not matter when in actual sense it still means a great lot to you. Pastor Jakes in one of his classic sermon said, if he/she wants to walk away, let him/her do it for nothing just happen. Charles Kingsley said “There are two freedoms – the false, where one is free to do what he/she likes; the true where he/she is free to do what he/she ought.”
Keith A blow, MD, writing on Good marriage, bad patch in Good Housekeeping, July 2006, said, ’Turmoil in a marriage can be the start of new phase….rather than the beginning of the end. Nearly every married couple runs into a bad patch sooner or later. The life of a relationship unfolds as they live lives as individuals….’ Every good marriage is built on true love. Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians describes the great qualities of this true love. “………love is patient, love is kind…..is not self-seeking…keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth…..” [1 Cor.13:4-7]. For this reason Rabbi Julius Gordon admonished, ‘Love is not blind, it see more not less but because it sees more , it’s willing to see less.’
We should quit enduring our marriages and start enjoying them. If an automobile develops a fault, it’s commendable to take it to the manufacturers/dealers. They usual trace and fix the faults. God is the sole designer/creator of marriage and can fix all the problems. Take your marriage to God and leave it there. It may surprise you that what the road-side mechanic have been trying to fix by trial and error, the manufacturers would trace and fix without much to do.
In our era, some manufacturers have recalled equipments – cars, computers etc they dictated some faults in them. In marriage God does not make mistakes; He’s perfect in all his ways and his creation. Even in the first marriage between Adam and Eve, the fault was not God’s. The couple chose the devil’s deceit to God’s instruction. Couples might’ve chosen body appearances, financial gains, education and wealthy family background than fear of God and character. Even then God still visited them, covered their nakedness and redeemed them, giving them new lease of life. He sent his only begotten son as their Savor and Redeemer in whom we have eternal life and enjoys our lives. God has not changed. He’s able to redeem our marriages and give us new phase, more enjoyable and meaningful than all our years of trying to fix it ourselves. The God, who turned water into wine in Cana, can turn your relationship for better. Psalm of David says, ‘He allowed us to pass through water and fire and now he brings us to a better place.’[Psalm 66:12]. This could be your testimony.
5.2 BIBLICAL VIEW OF CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE AND MONEY
Preface: This presentation shall attempt to briefly define Christian marriage from biblical viewpoint, examine the responsibility of couples in handling material things particular money and the havoc inappropriate handling of money could cause marital peace and harmony. It shall also look into money pitfalls in marriage and how to avoid them. Finally it shall consider the strategic roles money plays in marriage – how couples should use money as God designed it to work for them to bring about marital harmony, collective progress and achievements.
What’s Christian marriage?
A Christian marriage is a union between two persons [male and female] whereby they vow to be committed to sharing life together. God designed and instituted it for companionship, multiplication, fruitfulness and nurturing life together.
Let us briefly peruse this passage: Gen. 2:18-25 and highlight salient truths:
Vs 18- God said it‘s not good for man to be alone. He created a companion, helpmate suitable for his need. Then Proverbs 18:22 added, ‘He who finds a wife finds a good thing and favor from the Lord.’
Vs 21-22. God then chose [not picked] one rib out of man, made the rib into a woman and brought her to the man. The first marriage was a relationship of two people who had lived as one in one body and later married again into one – a unit or couple.
Vs 23. Man excitingly acknowledged his missing rib and named her woman, because she came from him [not woo to man].
Vs 25. They were both naked but never embarrassed and ashamed. They were transparent and had no hiding place or act.
A i. What Christian marriage is not? I. It‘s a mistake of God’s intent or biblical position to address marriage as partnership. In partnership, two people do business together with their identity and personality distinct; are individually legally responsible. Two people [male and female] cleaved together and became one in Christian marriage.
2. In partnership exit plan are in place right from the start. In marriage two cleave, glue together and only death do them part. Divorce is man’s made and not God’s plan. Moses concession to the pressure of the Israelites was because of human selfishness, hardness of heart and unforgiveness.
3. In partnership profit and loss are shared individually but marriage share their gain and loss collectively. Married couples should pool their money together and be jointly responsible for their bills and each other’s debts.
B. Highlights of basic principles of Christian marriage:
[i] When two people decide to marry, they must be prepared to assume responsibilities of each other; the opposite complement the other to perform tasks, harmonizing self to ensure collective growth, progress and achievement. [ii] Be ready and willing to share in each other joys, burdens and predicaments. [iii] The bible says you can have both God and money but you cannot serve both. When you serve God He shall cause money to serve you. [iv] Drop every aspect of me-first mentality and selfishness. Deliberately choose to be naked or open to your spouse in communication, values, goal setting, and accomplishments as well as in every thing. [v] Agree on mutual submission and choose to respect each other’s opinion and accept differences. For example: Men and women are different in how they view money and related matters. Generally, men are physical while women are emotional; men are functional while women are more relational.C. Money and relationship:
Literally, money is a legal tender for exchange of goods and services. It’s any stamped piece of metal or any paper notes, authorized by a government as a means of exchange and store of value. An author said, “if sex is the impulsive marriage assassin, money is the killer that slowly strangles.” No pressure on couples and family today exceeds money pressure.’ Money is intoxicating and capable of enslaving people. It will work you till you die. It possess the power to rule our lives, not for good and forever as Christ; but to lure us like a moth, too close to the flame until finally our wings are set ablaze. Money could promote pride, greed and selfishness.
Money is not just a temptation for a moment of carnal pleasure; it’s a temptation for us to be conquered by an inert, mindless master, one incapable of saving us from sin or satisfying the deep hunger of our soul for true peace, meaning and purpose. ‘Money is morally neutral just like a handgun. Put a pistol in the hand of a policeman and it’s a tool of justice but in the hand of a criminal, it’s an instrument of evil.’ Money is simply a commodity, an inert means to other ends but what we do with money brings problems. We need money to meet our family needs; money is a real need whether one is rich or poor. Everybody needs money and we never get enough. More money brings more responsibilities [Ecclesiastics .5:11]. Four [4] means through which we get money are:
* We exchange our labor for it. * We hire others and earn profit on their labor.
* We take risks calculated to earn money. * We lend it to others.
Money represents power in relationship because money is wealth and God gave us power to get wealth [Deuteronomy 8:18]. Money answers everything [Eccl. 10:19]. Money is a defense [Proverbs. 7:12]. The power money brings can be a wonderful asset in marriage if used wisely or causes abuse and conflicts if handled foolishly. So money does whatever we put it in use to do.
Marriage is a relationship between two persons [male and female-not same sex] from two different families’ linkages. Each family has its own history of money matters – how incomes come in, are spent and saved, if at all; who pay the bills and run bank account[s] and how decisions are reached. Mary Hunt writing on Debt-proof your marriage said, ‘the way your parents handled money during your childhood may have a lot to do with the way you think about money today.’ People’s beliefs about money are learnt in their families of origin as they grew up and affect their concepts and approach to money matters when they get married. Money management at home is not a core school subject so it’s learned by observation or emulation. If you came from a loving home where money was handled behind closed doors you may not know or seen who pay bills or bring more money home. Surprisingly, you never heard any complained yet your mum cooked great meals, kept clean and spotless house and had great respect for your father. As you grew up and get married, you never actually thought about how money matters would be sorted out in your marriage. It could even be that your mum did not work or worked for convenience or even own a home-based business but with your father meager income they were happy couples and raised wonderful family. Today, you and your wife work two jobs each and earn higher income yet you cannot make ends meet; quarrel over money and bills settlement than any other matters. Most times the way their current family [marriage] deals with money may differ from the family of birth. This could pose some teething problems if not handled discreetly and in wisdom create a huge matter.
It was neither our custom in Africa nor were we occasioned by our circumstances to discuss money matters with our spouse during courtship or early in our married life. To initiate such discussion could have been considered a taboo or bad omen for the marriage. If the woman should probe much into her husband’s finances, the man may think she was after his life and that could end the relationship. The husband and even the wife’s income handled money matters, if she earned any. So most people were reluctant to raise or discuss money issues and wealth during courtships [if they had one] and in early years of marriage. This failure has constituted unexplainable problems especially as they move to America that operates different culture and way of life. Some cease the opportunity of the new environment [new found freedom] to make mountain out of molehills especially where the wives bring home more bacon. Even when discussed some had developed unforeseeable uprisings that affected initial plans.
Such issues include: * Change of status in life * Extended family demands* Societal expectations * Individual crazy spending habits – shopping spree * Loss of job or in ability to get befitting job by one’s spouse. * Payment of bills* operating separate accounts * Inability to harmonize diverse interest of spouses* Trying to emulate the manner family of origin or friends handled money matters etc.
However, the truth about money and relationship reveals if couples could agree on four [4] things before marriage, they will have higher probability of success and harmony.
There are: [a] religion, [b] in – laws, [c] parenting and [d] money. These are very important because men and women are different in how they view money. Men tend to take more risk and may not save for emergencies – money is scorecard, while women see money as security matter to accommodate their fear for rainy day or otherwise. Again opposite attracts – One of the couples could be good in keeping figures while the other a free Spirit. This affects the way they see or spend money. Money is either the best or the worst area of communication in marriage. Financial counselors advise that money and money fights are number one cause of separation and divorce. Couples should discuss all finances, work the budget together, and settle expenses. When they agree, who pay the bills is irrelevant.
Money Influence on marital harmony:
D. Money and marital harmony:
The bible says, ‘the love of money is the root of all evil’ [1 Timothy.6: 10]. It does not say money is evil but the love of money above God, human beings including your spouse is evil. Money answers everything. It’s what you choose to do with money that makes it good or bad. We can tell what they are by what they do [Matt. 7:16]. We are called to look out for one another’s interest, not just our own [Phil 2:4]. Selfishness towards our spouse is a sin that blocks our fellowship with God and keeps our prayers from being answered [1 Peter 3:7; Proverbs 28:9]. Jesus sums up the problem of money, “no one can serve two masters. You cannot serve both God and money [Matt.6: 24], just as you can’t serve your spouse and money. Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income [Eccl.5: 10]. When Jesus is your master, money serves you but if money is your master you become its slave. Wealth is no sin but failing to use it for Gods glory is. God uses money to test our faithfulness as a servant. How we manage our money affects how much God can bless our lives. If we have not been trust worthy in handling worldly wealth who will trust us with true riches? [Luke 16: 11].
Pastor T D Jakes said in marriage two persons cleave together and become a unit, a couple in flesh, Spirit and soul; working together, surviving together and striving together. These two vowed in the name of God and before great crowd of witnesses [angels in heaven and men on earth] to be together [in joy and in sorrow] till death separate them.
God command wives to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord and husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. The opposite of submit is resist while the opposite of love is hate. Patrick Morley writing on Man on the mirror opined, ‘most women in our contemporary society take exception to the concept of submission. The goal of this instruction is not to reduce women to servants or doormats but to provide an authority structure in marriage.’ Many couples eat together, sleep together, have children together but are divided in money matters, because of the love of money above each other and above God. The result is that they live lonely together like roommates than couples. ‘Their social and sexual needs are met but intimacy as friends never developed.’ It’s impossible to yield [submit/love] to one another unless you respect him/her. You could be forced to obey someone but not to respect him/her. It’s a disobedience to God commandment to disrespect each other [Eph. 5:21; Col.3: 18,19]. If there’s mutual submission to God by couples how an intangible thing like money can or who earns more separate couples; cause quarrels, disagreements and fights. Does it matter who earns more? Why should that affect decision making or spending? If Adam was sufficient alone, God couldn’t have made Eve. If one spouse brings home more bacon than the other, should the financial imbalance present potential source of conflict between spouses? Their children can tell who makes more or bring more money home, pay their bills and provide for their needs. What a shame?
In my opinion, moneys made by either husband and/or wife are for the family. Every family should use it judiciously to meet their needs. It’s a blessing from God. Every family has a head. As the man is the head of the family, the woman is the neck without which the head would not turn. When money becomes a priority one person begins to neglect the other and that create conflicts and emotional separation. When your spouse is not your main focus you begin to neglect your duties to him/her. When Eve took her eyes off her head-Adam and started listening more to the serpent, she believed the deceiver than God. She took her marriage for granted. The outcome was lust and produced sin that led to Spiritual death.
Again the book of Proverbs 31 expounds the qualities of a virtuous woman. She is hard to find, worth more than jewels. Her husband put his confidence in her and she never disappointed him, she does good and never harm. She work hard to bring food home and get up early to prepare food for the family; she’s a brilliant, strong and industrious, always busy looking for the family needs. Her children appreciate her and husband praises her saying many women are good wives but you are the best. This woman is exceptional, respect and submits to her husband just unto the Lord. She put on the apron of humility to serve her husband and household [1 Peter 5: 5].
The scripture teaches us three [3] perspectives of money and prosperity as follows:
[i] Poverty Theology: Those who believe in this perspective are disgusted with worldliness. They are non materialistic and believes possessions are curse and reject materialism in any and every form [Luke 18:18-22].
[ii] Prosperity Theology: These disciples believe that prosperity is the reward of the righteous. They live consumption lifestyles; believe you have not because you have not asked. Explain the lack of others as lack of faith. They learned and teach tithing and experiencing material blessings. Wealth to them is a right from God. You have to give to receive [ 2 Corinthians 9: 6-8].
[iii] Stewardship Theology: Stewards believe God owns and control everything. Possessions are privileges and not rights. They concede that possession is a trust given in varying proportions. It comes from faithfully administrating of talents as given by God in His sole discretion.
While prosperity gospel holds no water because it claims you must give to receive in disregards of your motives whether you are living in sin or obtain the wealth in obscure manner. Poverty theology is equally full of holes. People in it think they must be poor to be humble. These appear mistaken. Being a steward is more of an attitude and a means of looking at life as a caretaker. It considers our own interest and that of others and upholds a better balance of God’s word. A gospel writer opined that when you host a dinner party, the preparations, clean ups and service are as important as enjoying your friends company and meal. It includes both work and reward. The blessings of the Lord bring wealth, and he adds no sorrow or trouble to it [Proverbs 10: 22].
As Christians – be husbands or wives, we are stewards of God’s gifts. Whatever you do in the family you are a servant, administering God’s gifts and God is the Master and Judge. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus [Philippians 2: 5]. A wife is a gift from God and in His eyes and design man and woman are as one [Genensis 2: 24]. Our children depend on us for their needs in the same way we look up to our Heavenly Father for ours. Every healthy family flows from a joyful couple and are blessings to the Church, for they shall together become good stewards in the house of God and become lights not only to their children, Church family but their world. They shall be faithful servants of the Lord in their homes and communities. If you weigh your services, how would God receive you – well done good and faithful servant or sorry, I don’t know you. Rick Warren in The purpose driven life said, most people fail to realize that money is both a test and a trust from God. You can’t hate your spouse and claim to love the Lord. It does not matter how often you lift up your hands in praise. God loved and gave His all [John 3:16]. God tests our marriage vows; how we treat our spouse, respect their feelings and opinions, accommodate their differences and treat their silences.
Conclusion. I recommend as follows:
1.Couples should understand their natural tendencies and appreciate their differences. Be open to each other in all things; discuss the issue of money and how it should be handled.
2.Be honest with each other about specific desires and priorities. Together you should define and develop your peculiar lifestyle that may be different from those of your parents, friends and relatives. The approach that worked for your parents may not work for your marriage.
3. If you could do it, joint account is the best. If not share responsibilities according to your income and leave some balance for personal expenses like gas, lunch at work, sanitary items etc Married couples should pool their moneys rather than have separate accounts. All incomes belong jointly to both couple and should be use for the family
4. Learn how to manage money wisely. It gives you both a sense of control and security that is imperative to building a solid future as couple.
5. Disagreement are inevitable when it comes to financial commitments to each other but be able to discuss your differences openly and settle them fairly. Money is intertwined with trust in a relationship, so the more you can talk about money the better the relationship.
It’s pertinent that most people go to work to enable them provide for the family but some loose balance along line between task and relationship. Unfortunately the society we live in acknowledges financial achievements as measure of success higher than people and relationship. Little wonder most people succeed at work and fail at home and in life. However no amount of success at work can compensate for failure at home. It does not really matter how much each couple makes or bring home, the whole money belongs to the family and should be spent jointly judiciously and diligently to meet that need. For this to be achieved, a healthy communication pattern around money matters should be an on going process. This builds security in your relationship and harness closeness and healthy relationship and home.
Patrick Morley writing on ‘man on the mirror’ opined that most men may not be unhappy with their marriage but don’t really enjoy their wives. They have wives but not best friends. In their relationship, there exist fears, anxieties and insecurities. Couples should submit to each other, delegate functions but share responsibilities; express opinion on all matters especially money matters. If you do not trust your spouse on money matters you can’t trust him/her for nothing. Let money build your home than wreck it.
5.3 Mutual Respect
“When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom” John Gray
In November, 2008, I participated in a Rapha Ministries violence month activities. The purpose was to rob minds over the high rate of emerging and rampant ugliness and abuses that our families experienced these days in advanced world; especially domestic violence’s that happen behind closed doors. These have resulted into living in fears, disharmony, separation and divorce and most unfortunately murder cases. Panelists were asked a question each but different, however time constrained. In attempting to proffer solution within the limited time allotted to us, a couple of the panelist opined that adequate communication among couples is very important and could ease the problems and even eradicate them. But for time constraints, I would have chipped in another ingredient I consider as equally or even more important than communication. I agree that communication is an essential ingredient in a healthy marriage relationship; however, I consider mutual respect as seemingly more important than communication. I believe that communication without respect is an insult, cheerful deceit and abuse. Without mutual respect what you will hear and see will storm you. When respect is not embodied in our communication, it becomes indecent, disrespect and unhealthy.
Two key words in this piece are: Mutual and Respect. Literally, mutual means given and received in equal amount or having the same feelings one for the other; something common to both or joint. Respect is defined as high regards; to feel or show honor or esteem for and to show consideration for a person, an event or an institution. Mutual respect is a fundamental right of all human beings and nation, irrespective of their power of strength. Writing in www.beyondIntractabiblity.org., Sara Farid describes respect as an unassuming resounding force, the stuff that equity and justice are made of: [i] it means being treated with consideration and esteem and to be willing to treat people similarity. It means to have a regard for other people’s feeling [ii] listening to people and hearing them, i.e. giving them one’s full attention. Even more importantly respect means treating one with dignity. Respect is the opposite of humiliation and concept. Farid referred to William Ury book titled, The Third Side: that says, “Human beings have a host of emotional needs-for love and recognition, for belonging and identity, for purpose and meaning to lives. If all these needs had to be subsumed in one word, it might be respect.” Respect comes with the belief that a person or culture can have belief contradictory to ours and we should still honor them. One does not have to like a person or agree with his viewpoint to accord him respect. Little surprised President Barrack Obama, said, we can disagree without being disagreeable.
Respect has a lot to do with how we choose to behave or act and the high regards we have for the other person[s]. We can be forced to obey someone but nobody can force us to respect anybody since it has to do with the values we cherish and uphold. Since respect must be mutual, it means it must be essentially both ways, a deliberate choice and given even in disagreement or when the other spouse has lost his/her cool. It must observed equal limits and boundaries; avoid its abuses. One interesting fact about respect is that you have to give it to yourself first before passing it to another person. It is in response to the respect you give to another that you earn the respect of another. No wonder it is often said respect is reciprocal.
When couples have no respect for themselves, they quarrel, grumble and curse each other even before their children and other people. They enjoy putting down each other and using indecent and unhealthy language towards each other. By so doing, they disrespect themselves. Lack of respect often leads to conflict at individual, family and social circles. Absent or breakdown of respect are the key reason for the breakdown of relationships and in the occurrence of conflict. Respect could be either vertical or horizontal. Children are urged to honor [hold high respect for] their parents for it’s a Christian duty and obligation. However, parents should respect their children and deal with them in tough love; raise them with Christian discipline and instruction [Ephesians 6:4]. Parents must teach and be exemplary of respect so that their children emulate. We must inculcate into them respect for self, one another and seniors and well as institutions of authority. Relationships built without respect are not sustainable and at best time bomb. Such relationships put up behaviors that do not earn the respect of other people who incidentally observe their disrespectful behavior.
Little wonder Apostle Peter urged husbands……..to treat [your wives] with respect [1Peter 3:7]. Also Apostle Paul commands, “wife must respect her husband [Ephesians 5:33]. Unless we respect each other, couples cannot fulfill the marriage God intended for mankind. Reverend Arthur J. Schoonveld of Today [The Family Altar] said, “Disrespect for spouse will hinder our prayers and drive a wedge between us.” Husband and wives are encouraged to accept and serve each other selflessly; build each other up and not tear down and make each other a priority and not a spare tire. Since respect is created when people treat each other as they want to be treated, we have to be courteous, avoid insulting one another and be sensitive enough to avoid conflict by separating people from problem. By so doing we shall build trust with one another, and repair our relationships. “Respect is what we owe; love, what we give” – Philip James Bailey.
5.4 PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER
Marriage is an honorable thing. The Creator designed and instituted it with a manual to work through its success. Any diversion from the laid down principles attract associated consequences. Most times we easily blame our failings on God and other people but not ourselves. It does not matter how we perceive it, the creator and designer said, ‘it is not good for man to stay alone. I shall make him a helpmate’ [Genesis 2:18]. Before then God created man in his image and likeness; male and female He created them [Genesis 1:27]. The word man symbolizes a spiritual being; could be male or female. These two creatures were one and naked before each other without shame. They had left mother and father and cleave together to establish a new unit, a couple bonded or glued such that only death was supposed to separate them. These days divorce and legal separation do put couple apart. Other than God, their relationship was the ultimate commitment.
In advance world due to the right of freedom to live life as you like it, some people just simply run into one another, hibernate or cohabitate and chose to forgo marriage. Initially it was between a man and a woman but it has unbelievably escalated to man and man, woman and woman and human beings and pet [dogs, monkey etc]. Years back it was an open secret but today it is an acceptable norm and common knowledge. They do not care what the repercussions of their behaviors are. The government in an attempt to arrest the problem compounded it by creating common law marriage and gave women support to have children without husbands. Today the problem has grown beyond mere imagination. In the name of liberty most adult have multiply sex partners that it now takes DNA to determine the biological fathers of their children. A great number of teens even below the age of eighteen get pregnant and make babies out of marriage. Just like their parents some are not sure who the fathers of their kids are. Others behaved out of control that they are spending time in the penitentiaries. Some of them still believe they are happy single; independent and in control of their lives.
Despite the high rate of divorce and negative images portrayed in movies and televisions, human beings are social beings and crave intimacy; have a culture that prefers marriage relationship. Marriage in cultural sense and in Christian prospective implies relationship between a man and a woman, committed to a life long marital union. Caught up in adolescent and youthful bliss many young people plug the fruit before cementing the stem. They appear to confuse sex with love. Some get pregnant and give birth to one or two kids with their first time lovers and are neither married nor have any intent. These young people failed to see things in ideal or realistic fashion. They failed to envisage the changes and challenges of new relationship and the consequences of sex outside marriage; the security of life as age ticks away. They failed to realize that sex is more spiritual than physical; when one person yields into another it’s a bond beyond words.
Others just jump into marriage but have no anticipation of the associated stress arising from conflicts, crises and daily hassles. They want the gains but reject the pains. They believe they can make mistakes and learn from them. As easy as that saying goes, it’s more difficult to learn from one’s mistakes than simply follow the manual instructions and adhere to the wisdom of parents as well as learn from their experiences. Some mistakes are costly; could ruin one’s life and lands one behind the bars. It could destroy one’s self image beyond repairs. However mistakes could serve as promotional tools. These do not make us less human but show we are growing. Funny enough many still learn nothing from their mistakes. The truth is revealed as many of those who made mistakes in their early ages feel need for life’s partners in their middle life [ages between 30 and 45]. They come to realized that to be married is still the best option and secured way in life; even when some hate the idea of having one man or woman as partner all their life. Others just need someone to satisfy their innate orgies and help raise their children as their biological partners are incapacitated, incarcerated or unknown.
Pastor T.D. Jakes opined that the ideal is that couples should enter into marriage pure and undefiled. Marriage should begin in marital beds where two persons come together naked in body and soul, in pursuit of purity and newness. But today we enter our marriage beds with burdens and weighted down with our sore past. These include broken vows, comparing past relationship and experiences; failures we find difficult to let go as well as diseases spreading and killing young people at their productive ages. Many couples today are not waving blood stained bed sheets after wedding nights since the honey had already been taken out of the moon. Why do we still put on veils’ when virginity is no longer a virtue and go on honeymoon when there’s no honey in the moon? Individual experiences may differ. “Life is very much like a puzzle. I mean a riddle wrapped inside a puzzle and we like pieces have fallen on the floor. Some stepped on, some lost or scattered, carelessly kicked under the couch but amid these oddly shaped fragment, there are two that fit each other. Not because they are perfect but they cleave together to complete and compliment each other. They are the fitting of two souls who have come together believing God to heal their past and enhance their future.” The good news is like clay in porter’s hand; we are marred and damaged but the Holy Spirit put together the pieces.
When we come to our senses, there’s an inward desire to return to the ideal or reality and make peace with our Father. One wonderful characteristic of our Creator is that He has always kept an open door for his runaway children. Even when we exclude him in our scheme of things, he included us on the cross of shame, resurrected for us and ever willing to accept us back any time. All we need is quest to return. The God who cares for the birds of the air, grass in the fields and different creatures in depth and surface of the earth has more provision and passion for mankind. When we turn to God, confess our failings and put our faith in his son, Jesus Christ, we are saved and become new creatures. Our past ceases to matter. God in his mercy restores us and gives us the Holy Spirit, the Enabler, the Advocate to bind the wounds and put the pieces together. God open new phase in our lives that shall be full of his mercies and favor. He takes our mistakes and replaces them with his grace and righteous. He has risen so that we also rise above our past and live new in the future.
5.5 FORGIVENESS- A HALLMARK OF WELLNESS
Forgiveness is a crucial topic in Christian life. we define ‘forgiveness’ as cease to feel resentment, pardon and excuse; refuse to hold onto the past; to cancel debts, to release grievances, prejudices, recrimination, and blame as well as to reconcile. Wellness’ enjoys reawakening in its importance in this age and time; every emerging day it becomes more diverse meaningfully, such that many care-givers and healthcare professionals have dabbled into offering services in this area. Most times wellness relates to eating well, looking well, living well and engaging in regular physical exercises or fitness. The media realizing that people increasingly desire to look good and feel well help to publicize its sentiments as well as promote the venture.
Our world appears to have resigned the provision of healthcare [or better put illness care] to medical professionals who by their training care for our illnesses and prevention of illnesses. Beyond these, we expect them to play God and fix every health problem. These aspirations are not met because they’re simply human and not God. When these realities occur we pursue lawsuits and other forms of remedies because of our dependence on their care and the huge sum of money expended on these services especially if clients have health insurance coverage. Regrettably we accept medical treatments as the only visible option or only way of dealing with illnesses. Many have bluntly refused to give other alternatives a chance even when our medical services evolve high tech, are expensive and sometimes fail us; we get stuck there not minding the risk and inadequacy. In effect, we have granted our healthcare practitioners the express permission to be responsible for our lives and the right to determine what our minds and bodies need. Before healthcare exists God’s healing power that leaves no side effect.
John W. Travis and Regina Sara Ryan, joint authors of Wellness workbook opined that, ‘As a society we have given up our personal power in many ways: to the teachers in our schools, we give the responsibility to telling us what we need to learn, when and how to learn it; to professional mechanics – the decisions about the up keep of our automobiles; to our professional politicians – the right to use our money and direct the military power of our country.’ Also in Spiritual things, we’ve trusted our pastors ‘the holy ones’ to tell us what God demands. It’s wise and expedient to depend on other people for our needs and to entrust with trained professionals handling of issues they have expertise in. The bad news for example is that our teachers at schools teach our children idolatry – the plurality and equality of all gods; that public expression of their faith is insensitive; sex education or lack of it, whereas teen pregnancies and incidence of venereal diseases increase and persist with general lack of reverence for their bodies.
We should examine the Pastors we trust our spiritual lives to; some are mere professionals, their qualifications are depended on College theological degrees; some homosexuals while others are traditionalist. Some have neither heart for God nor experiential knowledge with Christ and are afraid of the power of the Holy Spirit. Surprisingly Jesus was filled with the Holy Spirit and only with His indwelling, inspiring and infusing power can we do the work of Christ. This brings to mind a Sunday bible class joke. The class was reflecting on faith in God and the teacher asked, ‘should an incident occurs that is life threatening, God or 911 who should we call first? 95 % subscribed to 911. They argued God is believed to be present always and already aware of the problem. They needed medical services for immediate care. The truth is that the Spiritual determines the physical and God is not only omnipresent, but also omnipotent and omniscience.
Most medical professionals profess that “We care but God heals.” Even though some healthcare providers do not believe in biblical God, they offer services on God’s created beings. The earth and heavens and all that exist therein testify to the existence of God Almighty – the Creator of the universe, the Lord of all the earth. The scriptures reveal this great God to us through the power of the Holy Spirit in things we do and fail to do, see but do not understand. In our interaction with Him and one another [fellow human beings], we exhibit our flaws of imperfection – by mere omission or commission. Some are in areas of our weaknesses; we burden ourselves with guilt’s, blames, shame and feel unworthy. These flaws keep bothering us and leave feelings of inadequacies and regrets. Yet these feelings solve no problems but create worries, depression, anxieties and hopelessness.
The truth is that ‘we sin because we are sinners.’ The scriptures reveal that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. The good news is that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. Not by our works or services or feeling guilty or shame. We are saved by grace through faith. It implies that we are forgiven, redeemed by God and the blood of Jesus sanctifies us. God had fore-planned ways of escape through the life, death and resurrection of His beloved Son. But disheartening, most times we asked God for forgiveness and refused to accept His pardon or forgive others. We keep recalling, blaming, mourning over our sins again and again after God has forgiven and erase them. Funny enough while we recall them, God remembers them no more.
The bible teaches that all powers belong to God. When we accept Jesus as Lord and Savior, He grants us His power to live an enduring, fruitful life. Little wonder Jesus said, ‘I came that you may have life and have it abundantly.’ Apostle Paul testifies, “God has not given us the Spirit of fear and intimidation but of love, courage and sound mind.” The Spirit of sound mind give us the power to make right judgment, right decision , obey God’s commandment and hold unto what is right and proper even when others feel otherwise. His Spirit grant us the power of forgiveness and reconciliation; love, seek peace and mutual submission. It’s the power of His Spirit that does what human beings thinks it’s impossible as well as what medical sciences fail to achieve. God’s Spirit gives us power to abide continuously in Him and reveals the mind of God as well as the mystery of God. His power heals without side effects
Forgiveness includes the willingness to look below the surface of behaviors or feelings. Forgiveness may take some processes; some grief, some letting go; acceptance of the loving grace of God in us. We should be willing to accept things the way they are. God paid for our debts – the price of our sinfulness; no more collection agents calling, mailing and threatening to summon us to court.
Our past has become part of our history and will not change. No one is rich enough to pay for his/her past. Therefore let go; put them behind us and press forward towards the future. Forgiveness is neither a feeling nor suggests that our memories are erased; it’s a deliberate decision to obey God’s instructions. However to forgive ‘oneself’ or others often promotes relaxation in the body and peace of mind. This harmony is the essence of healing and the heart of wellness. We may not feel immediately any difference after forgiving ourselves or somebody-else but gradually we begin to regain our peace, the assurance of God’s grace and mercies in Christ and the fulfillment of His promise. Forgiveness brings along freedom; that’s why Jesus said on the cross, ‘It’s finished.’
If God could pay a bigger price with the life of His Son- Jesus the Christ, I wonder what difference our grief’s, sorrows and shame would make. In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus taught, ‘forgive us our debt as we forgive others’. He simply implies forgive so as to be forgiven. If we need peace of mind, forgiveness should weigh large spot in our hearts and occupies our mind. It evidences love of our body, our emotions, our intelligence and Spiritual being. As all things in the universe are connected so also is the body. As forgiveness releases pains in one area of the body, it brings relief and healing to the whole body. We must learn to accept the uniqueness [weakness and strength] of each other, understand our differences and forgive our failings or shortcomings.
The Psalmist wrote, ‘if God should mark iniquities Oh Lord who can stand? But there’s forgiveness with God that He may be feared’ [Ps 130:3-4]. In Isaiah 44:22, God revealed, ‘I have swept away your offences like cloud, your sins like morning mist. Return to me for I have redeemed you.’ Apostle Paul affirmed, in Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding[Eph 1:7-8]. More so if we harbor unforgiveness in our hearts the Lord neither will nor hears our prayers [Ps 66:12]. Unforgiveness may be a failure to acknowledge the beauty and strength of who we really are. It breeds anger and hatred; spore up agitation and ill feelings, recall past incidences and may seek revenge. It also raises blood pressure in our systems as well as obstruct prayers; causes disagreements, quarrels, fights and even murder. Unforgiveness is the greatest weapon the devil uses to destroy relationship: be it marriage, friendship, association or fellowship. Unforgiveness is the brain behind accumulation of unresolved issues. The result is not only devastating but leaves us in doubt and wonder. Yet good relationship [including marriage] is a union of two good forgivers. Whenever a believer refuses to forgive or is in strife with someone, it hinders answer to prayers, nurse’s aches and pains from the past which bogged down into grudges, despair, hurts and depression
Forgiveness is a Spiritual exercise. It brings blessings, purification and cleansing, release of burden and attracts God’s mercies and peace of mind; an assurance that a forgiver is forgiven. In turn God will forgive our sins, heals our diseases and redeems our lives from destruction; crown us with loving kindness and tender mercies as well as avail us His grace. Like Paul we should put past failures behind us and replace thoughts of yesterday’s failings with scriptural promises of the future. God’s mercies are renewed every morning. As we hold God at His word, we can wake up every morning to a brand new world and live life totally unblocked by the past. Kenneth and Gloria Copeland writing on From Faith to Faith [Daily devotion and guide] said, ‘God wants you well. He wants you healthy and strong in every single area of your life; want you spiritually strong in faith, strong in the word, strong in redemption and strong in the love of God…………..your body to be well and free from the bondage of pain, sickness and care; free from worries and woes of earthly life.’ Our Heavenly Father wants us well; to live in victory and healing so that we shall experience not only new life but also teach others God’s way – forgiveness, the hallmark of wellness.
5.6 FIND INSIDE SOLUTIONS TO INSIDE PROBLEMS.
“One of the nice things about problems is that a good many of them do not exist.” – Emeril Lagasse
A long time ago I went into a business office restroom and as I closed the door, I saw at the back of the door, a piece of cardboard securely pined on there and it reads, “Kindly leave whatever happens here inside here.” That I believe to mean, do not take whatever happens inside here outside. It appeals to users to drop all the dirt’s contacted in the toilet in there by cleaning their bodies and washing their hands thoroughly. I paused a bit and thought pensively about that instruction. That instruction seems to apply beyond the rest room. Since after then, I have met that instruction in many toilets and each time it gives me a food for thought. About couple of years later, I stumbled on and read another of Pastor Max Lucado’s book titled: When God Whisper Your Name and was so intrigued by the nineteen chapter headed: An Inside Job. He wrote, “Spray paint won’t fix rust. A Band-Aid won’t remove a tumor. Wax on the hood won’t cure the cough of a motor. If the problem is inside, you have to go inside.” Lucado added, “you cannot fix an inside problem by going outside.” The message become clearer and reminded me of the instruction I read in the restroom; led me into thinking about several untidy things that happened inside and we inadvertently take them outside for solution. Most times, they boomerang and bring hurts and pains yet not resolved.
The other day, I was driving to work, I heard mid-stream a Radio [92.1] Program discussion relating to why a great number of our children do badly at school and some drop-out. It was not unusual to hear some callers blamed the teachers and school system, the government and judiciary system for inadequate concern. However, I was glad when few parents’ callers hit the nail on the head by looking inward. They said some parents too had blames to take: most parents especially single mothers work two to three jobs and have little or no time to raise children with high moral standards, help them do their home works, and relate with the teachers and school system to ensure pupils well being and their educational progress. Some parents blamed the teachers and every other person and institution for what could have been fixed at home. Others blame the fathers of their children for being absent at home. It does not matter whether some fathers were kicked out of homes to obtain child support. Once again, some inside solutions will help solve inside problems.
I had to pause again and ask myself: Are there some inside problems that we carry outside? Do we often obtain lasting solution outside for inside problems? When two persons or parties have problems, should they not sit down and sort out issues than carry their dirty linens outside? Experiences reveal that most times outside solutions still depend on the two people or persons involved. That could explain why the US President Obama invited the Harvard Professor and Police Sergeant to the White House and gave them opportunity to talk things out. Two cannot walk together except they agree [Amos 3:3]. Could there be warning signs or call it alarms that go off and taken for granted? It could be that the other person or party pretended not to care but when fire alarms go off we tremble; when our car alarms go off we rush out or turn around to see what goes on. I had to ask myself again, what are the inside stuffs that we carry outside? I realized some possibly inside issues we often carry outside include: work place disagreements, marriage or home conflicts, Church misunderstanding and oversight, family union dissatisfaction and disagreement as well as friendship lapses and mistakes, etc. Most times these inside issues had warning signs but were ignored or taken for granted.
In our society today, alarms go off all the time. It may not be with horns and bells but with problems and pains. It may come from a familiar spot and way or unknown signals and we must pay attention and respond immediately. For example: when we act defensively out of guilty consciences or when we lie to cover another lie or keep silent when we should speak out the truth, then we know that something within is not right. Lucado opines that icy relationships are sign posted notices announcing anything from neglect to abuse. More often than we care to accept, our body or relationship alarms system sound audibly. Economic alarms go off to notify us that we are gradually going into crises; financial alarm warns us that our expenses exceed our income and we are living in debt. The weather experts give us warnings that radars indicate whether we shall expect rain or not; the coming of strong winds, storm or hurricanes etc. We all have alarms in our lives but how we respond to them when they go off are what matters. Some times when they go off we ignore them or look for answers somewhere else instead of inwards. We blame every other person and institutions but not ourselves. Some Christians are fond of rushing outside when the alarms go off inside. They are quick to blame God, their parents; husband blames wife and wife blames husband. They blame their plight on government and even those who tried to help them out or had no business of any type in the matter. They are quick to blame the Church and the pastors for their frail faith. Our problems may be challenging and undesirable but blaming other people is no solution or ignoring them.
Pastor Lucado opined, “A real change is an inside job. You might alter things a day or two with money and systems, but the heart of the matter is and always will be the matter of the heart.” Why do we neglect the alarm inside our bodies but respond quickly to the alarms outside? Is that being hypocritical or living in denial it does not exist or matter? I have come to believe that human beings are very pertinacious but pretend it does not exist. Come to think of it, our problem is not pretence, denial, carelessness or ignorance but sin. These character traits are all associated with satanic tendencies and appeals. When we become alienated from our Creator, we are in rebellion and that show in our behavior and actions. It also reveals who are referencing: God or Satan. When we are not in relationship with or disconnected to our Creator, we are cut off from the source of our life. There is a God created vacuum in every human being that only God can fill it. We were created neither by Satan, man nor legion of demons, so they can not fix our problems. Only God can solve our problems; He’s our fulfillment. He already did that in Christ Jesus on the cross of shame and it’s finished. All that is required of us is to accept His saving grace and be reunited to our source of life; live an abiding life with our Redeemer and Savior.
Alarms go off for reasons. There are signals that something is wrong and warning signs that need to be attended to very swiftly. It may not be something critical that deserves evacuation. It’s necessary and recommended that each time an alarm goes off, it should be checked to determine its cause and fix it, if need be. We should learn to attend promptly to small matters as if there are big because unresolved small matters accumulate and result into huge matters that could let hell loose. Most reoccurring issues that result into unresolved conflicts were swept into the cooler but unfortunately they never got cold. While in the cooler they were boiling like volcano awaiting eruption. It may not take much to resolve an internal matter than it takes when it is taken outside. An African adage says, “What it takes to prevent an elephant from entering a farm land is nothing compared with what it shall destroy when it gets into the farm.”The problems we encounter remind us that life is not meant to avoid pains and that to love is to accept the risk of hurting.” Christian life does not exonerate us from having problems [Matthew 10:38]. Apostle Paul even told us that we should expect and be prepared to face troubles in marriage and family life [1 Corinthians 7:28].
Real solution to inside problem may not exist outside, especially in a society that lacks ideal community; where legality rules without morality and truth is rationalized and suppressed. Even where a community or an institution exists, does the couple belong and have allegiance to it and would they accept and respect their decisions? Do we have elders in the said community who are elders indeed and worth their salts? Such elders who rule well deserve double honors. Do we have Spiritual leaders in our Churches that will stand for God and intervene truthfully, even when that will make them unpopular with their high money giver? Do we have God fearing men with the passion to seek the wellbeing and restore peace in families or those who just make money out of them at every cost not minding how they do it? Since they are rare in our world, we should avoid the temptation of turning small annoyance into a massive catastrophe. It takes honesty, acceptance of responsibility and the spirit of forgiveness as well as the love and desire to keep the relationship and make it work. Indeed in marriage relationship, it has been recommended that issues be resolved daily before couples go to bed or before the next day. There should be no store room for unresolved problems.
How can you carry unresolved inside problem and lift up “holy hands” in daily meditations and Church worship as well as participate in communion of saint? The Lord does not look at things the way man looks. Man looks outward appearance but the Lord looks inside [1 Samuel 26:7]. Do you then know you can not deceive God? Alarms serve good purposes and must not be taken for granted. They signal the presence of problems. If not resolved, they could trigger bigger problems that the insiders may not find it easy to contain or resolve. Outside solutions may not work in all inside problems. An outsider may not be able to do enough justice except the insiders agree to his process. So why not settle it at first hand inside. It may involve sacrificing short time pleasure and comfort in order to achieve long term gains and family peace or accepting your error/ mistake, even if doing so hurts and brings down your ego and self dignity. It makes no difference since your family is part of you and the greatest assets you have. Suffer it so for the overall interest of family well being.
As the year 2009 ends, remember you are not defeated until you lose your patience. Keep seeing the possibilities; it may take time but nothing is impossible. Mountains do not just move overnight. Problems are simply signals and alarms; bumps and possibly detours but not stop signs or dead ends. Do not loose sight of the truth that after the storm there is rainbow; the rain comes after dryness. It’s the little things that bring down giants. Inside problems are like diseases, they spread fast and before you know they have done great damage and paralyze the body resulting into death of relationship. On the contrary, little acts of kindness, good deeds done in love, in encouraging words spoken at the right time ease burdens, stop grudges and agonies as well as prevent storms. Do not quench the lamp, keep it burning. Peace is not often easy to catch; we sometimes must be ready to sacrifice pride, to pursue peace and grab it.
5.7 GOOD PLAYERS, BAD TEAM
“Good players are willing to give up their own personal achievement for the achievement of the group.” – Kareen Abdul – Jabbar
If you watch or participate in sports and games, you must have noticed that to win team game, players must not only have talents but also play as a team. This happens in games like: soccer, basket and volley ball, football and double tennis games as well as in sports like relay race, etc. The key work of most coaches is to develop and instill team spirit in the players. There are many individual stars that are gifted and talented but lack team spirit. They play selfish and individual game which does not work in a team game. A team may have a crop of individual fantastic players and still loose a tournament. Great teams play together; not just a bunch of individual talented players. Togetherness is the secret of success in team game and the secret in all aspects of life. Jim Tressel with Chris Fabry, in The Winners Manual for the game of life opined that “Success is a team sport. As Woody Hayes said many years ago, ‘You win with people.’ When we added ‘for the group’ to Coach Wooden’s definition, we helped to focus our players on the team aspect of success.” They added that their purpose of adding ‘for the group’ was to capture the truth that in being our best, we added to those around us. It forces us to define success in terms of what the group needs, what our team needs or what our society or country needs…..people tend to worry more about how something affect ‘me’ as opposed to how it affects ‘us’. We also need team spirit in the Church, ministry, business setting, in community and family and most importantly in marriage relationship.
In the Church, we have unnumbered talented and gifted, good people but most of them have not been discovered or may not have the opportunity to use their gifts in a team setting. God gives gifts to His saints; some are leaders and others followers. Among the leaders, we have different gifts and callings. This includes the Five-Fold Ministries: Apostles, Prophets, Evangelist, Pastors, and Teachers. Beyond these, depending on the denomination, we have Elders, Deacons, Directors of Music, Youth leaders; Bible studies co-coordinators, Leaders in men and women fellowships, Children ministries, and so on. If these leaders work in their different callings and their talents are respected and accepted, then they make a good team. They work for the edification and perfection of the Saints of God and for the work of Christian service in order to build the body of Christ. Apostle Paul writes to the Saints of Ephesus saying, “And so we shall all come together to that oneness in our faith and in our knowledge of the Son of God; we shall become mature people, reaching to the very height of Christ’s full status [Ephesians 4:13]. To the Corinthians, He writes, “Christ is like a single body, which has many parts, it’s still one body, even though it is made up of different parts. In the same way, all of us, whether Jews or Gentiles, whether slave or free, black or white have been baptized into the body by the same Spirit, and we have all been given the one Spirit to drink………..God Himself has put the body together in such a way as to give greater honor to those parts that need it. And so there is no division in the body, but all its different parts have the same concern for one another [1 Corinthians 12:12-13, 24-25]. No one or part is considered less important.
The Pastor cannot say to the Sexton we do not need your services. An Elder cannot demean a Music Director/Choir Master and say we do not need you and so on. It’s to the glory of God when they work together and make collective progress and achievement. The same happens in a business office. An office is made up off employees at different levels but all working together for the same goal. The manager respects the work of the security officer, just like the Director values the opinion of the Factory Supervisor, etc. Each person performs certain functions that help others to do their jobs and together achieve the goal of the organization. When structure is secured and fully accepted and respected, they have a goal to meet and a job to preserve; work together in harmony with less stress and make progress in unity.
In the family setting, the need for team spirit is even more important than elsewhere because the family is a smallest unit of the society and what happens there imparts the society at large. The family starts with good marriage, where couple [male and female] cleave together and become a unit and one; not only because they live in the same house but accept and serve each other and enjoy their companionship. A family must share mutual respect and submission, have good communication and accept each other. A man is the husband and head of the family; he leads, provides and protects as well as has spiritual oversight on the home. A woman is the wife and the neck [helpmate] that is a suitable companion for the man; supporting and upholding his vision as well as provides care and comfort. They are also committed to and shall raise their God given children and household in the fear of God and in Christian discipline. For the union to work it must rest on the foundation of God and there must exist respect for authority in marriage and continuous reflection and meditation on the word of God. The couple and family must know and understand the bye law of marriage as designed, put together and directed by our Creator. In God design and plan, this couple must work together in love and discipline, in honesty and transparency; being responsible and accountable to each other.
Most of our community associations experience problem because members do not imbibe team spirit or play to the rule. Some people have no respect for leadership or one another. They are individual rangers and make individual successes but cannot stand as a team. Some find it difficult to work with other people; think highly of themselves and do not care about others. They form cliques and tell themselves what they want to hear. They are successful as individuals and may fail to lead a team to collective achievement. If you mistaken their individual successes and appoint them into a public or a union’s leadership, they may have problem because of lack of team spirit. Each great team must have a leader with a vision and team spirit. They must put in place the purpose and goals to achieve and the realistic plans that drive the vision and attend the goals. They also must have guidelines, rules and regulations to moderate and control human lapses and behavior. Every team member must understand that what he/she does affect other members of the team and also help them play their part and meet the corporate goal.
Are you a lone or team player? We may find individual talented and gifted persons but they make a bad team; good people, fine, sweet and wonderful, enviable and respected achievers in their trades and rights but bad in marriage and excellent personality and prosperous individual with great learning and exposure, seasoned yet in turbulent and moribund union. These individuals even though with good dispositions and experiences can not get along as a people. The reason is not far-fetched; it bothers on selfishness, lack of respect for self and other people, lack of ‘give and take’ spirit and appreciating flea to deal with other people. Relationship coach Susan M. Campbell once said, “Teamwork is a constant balancing act between self interest and group interest.” Also Mike Krzyzewski said, “When your organization operates like a strong family, you can’t be knocked out by one punch.” Let’s achieve collective progress by working together in team spirit; standing in our duty post and doing our part while others do their part and together we make good successes. This is the challenge of every corporate entity and of course the secret on all aspect of our living.