ORDAINED TO PROSPER – FAMILY PERSPECTIVES
“You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you and I have appointed you [I have planted or made you], that you might go and bear fruit and keep on bearing, and that your fruit may be lasting [that it may remain, abide], so that whatever you ask the Father in my name [as representing all that I AM] He shall give it to you” [John15:16 -Amp. Bible]
1] Definitions: American Century dictionary defines the two key words in the topic:
[i] Ordain: to confer priestly status, set aside; could mean: chosen, appointment and commissioned. [ii] Prosper: being successful, thrive, accomplishment, fulfillment.The topic could read you’re set aside to succeed or chosen for accomplishment or commissioned for fulfillment or appointed to fulfill your destiny or destined to succeed.
2] The Purpose of this Presentation:
* Help in understanding yourself, your spouse, your marriage and your expectations for each other.
* help couples redefine their marriage relationship from a God-ward orientation
*Advice Churches the need to have a plan of intervention in place before marriages crumble.
3] From creation: [Genesis 1:26-38]
God created man [male and female in His image and likeness. He saw what He created and said it was very good. It met His design and specifications. There was no error or mistake. Say to yourself, “I am not misfit or accident of nature.” It was perfect and filled with God’s glory and also gave Him good pleasure. And God blessed and sanctified the works of His hands. God empowered man to have complete authority over all creation, multiply and be fruitful, subdue and have dominion. It therefore means from creation, God ordained man to be successful and prosper. Say to yourself, “I’m not a failure.”
4] Family and living arrangement:
-The common law tradition where our legal doctrine and concepts developed view marriage as a contract based on a voluntary private agreement by a man and woman to become husband and wife.
-The foundation of a good family is a good marriage. Regardless of her composition, family is generally regarded as a cornerstone of society. It was vital to the preservation of morals and civilization. It takes more than have children to have a good family; in order to have a good family one start with good spouse. Yet, we hurry over choosing a spouse and decide to spend a lifetime with unknown person.
-A couple of years back and still practiced in some part of the Black world of Africa and third world countries, we had an agricultural society, where extended families of multiple generations lived in the household. However as the culture became more urbanized and mobile, nuclear families of two parents and children emerged and became a norm.
-This ushered in shift in economics and employment; moral values and social conditions. People had to leave their original families in search of jobs and better conditions of life. The bad consequences are: cohabitations outside marriage, increase number of single men and women living alone. Single parents’ families with growing number of children raised by one parent or by neither parents; others raised by grandparents or foster parents. The role and make up of families has been undergoing changes.
-Traditionally, the role of each parent in a typical family setting was well defined. A husband had the responsibility to provide safe house, pay for necessities such as food, clothing, and protection as well as live in the house. He was the authority /head of the household. The wife’s obligations were maintaining a home, living in the home, and rearing children the couple’s children.
-Today the underlying concept that marriage is a legal contract still remains but due to changes in society that bothers on economics, new living arrangements, cultural demands and improvement in human wellbeing and desires as well as the legal obligations have also changed. A man and his wife both work hard to provide for the household and meet the obligations of the family.
-The structure as designed by God has not changed but the obligations have changed. The man is the head of family and the woman the neck without which the head cannot turn. She is a companion, completion and helper or helpmate. Being a husband and head has its responsibilities and men do not abdicate that aspect of their duty in the family and the church.
-Many societal women consider the term “helper” as demeaning and derogatory, especially if they bake more bacon than their men. They question: how can they be helpmate and be an equal in function and value? The word helpmate as used by God is an exalted quality. Far from being a term for second class citizen, the word is used by God even in reference to himself [Psalms 70:5]. The Lord Jesus Christ referred to the Holy Spirit of God as the Helper [John 14:16 Amp. Bible]. If the role of a helper is legitimate one for the creator of the universe, then it is hardly a lesser role or demeaning term to refer to a woman in marriage with a man as his helper. God also used the word “suitable” to qualify the position of a woman to man [Genesis 2:20]. Did God mean that the role of a husband and wife are interchangeable, depending on who makes more money or on the abilities of each partner? It’s better to trust God even when we think He is in error and His word too ancient for this generation. We should say what He says and believe His word unconditionally. The totality of what a woman does is simply to help her husband. Again, some women bake more bacon than their husbands and become bossy, controlling and disrespectful. Such actions discourage and put off men from their masculine duties. Others open their minds to the opinions of other women whose houses were already collapsing. Just because a man is the head, should he exert his authority without responsibilities? A man must provide for his family, encourages his wife and earn her respect. Some men become complacent the moment they fetch a minting or ‘ATM’ machine.
-Come to think of it, marriage is an intimate affair that should not be gambled with. Good marriages don’t just happen; it requires hard work and devotion on the part of the couples. I believe the urbanization of our society and the demands of the new culture as well as equal right overflows have ushered in challenges that shall be dealt with for over a long time while the emerging consequences are complicated, begging for urgent attention.
5] Understanding Male and Female sexuality:
The truth of the matter is today’s man has found his role radically redefined from that of his father or grandfather. The uniqueness of his God given position includes some cultural attributes and incorporates that father as chief role model, embodied integrity, loyalty and self-sacrifice.
Beside the obvious physical differences, there are basic mental and emotional contrasts – with man’s variation between that may or may not be visible. In Genesis account, Adam was created one way and Eve was created in another. With different strength and weakness, resources and needs, man and woman were built to fit together. Although God is the ultimate answer to the deepest needs of every human being, nonetheless, He created male and female: man was made to lead, provide and protect; woman was made to respond, nurture, nourish and care for the family.
Even though societal view and roles of men and women have changed, but the basic characteristics and built-in sexual differences between man and woman have never changed. Funny enough, both man and women try to prove that they are tough enough to make it along. Little surprise that in our world of unisex and instant age, many marriages surrounded by loneliness and despair head on a collision course with destruction. If God who in His infinite wisdom created us to fit together into each other, how can we afford to hold on to new found attitudes of independence and emotional detachment. What ended years back in minor squabbles and living lonely together has graduated into unending divorce trail and separations, fatherlessness and worst still cold murders as we see it today. A great number of people involved in the no-win marriage wars are Church members, who go to Church everyday and some hold enviable position of trust in the Church and in our community. Sometimes the Church leadership is unaware. Even when they are, some prefer to stay safe. Permit me to say, there is something fundamentally wrong with our people, Churches and community; even when we live in denial and put up show every Sunday.
For example: in the society we live, most women work hard to support their husband. This is highly commendable. However some men quit their jobs because their wives have secured societal lucrative work; they become heads without responsibilities [or manager of their wives’ income]. Since women who were suppose to be home keepers and helper to the man have resourced to work and provide for the family, it will be nice for the husband also to learn to help out with some of the domestic work. That does not mean that the wife should judge him in his domestic abilities. We came into relationship to help and serve each other selflessly. If you really love your spouse and appreciate her abilities to provide for the family, you will be willing to help out in any way. This country is so stressful that couples should learn to help each other. Let us consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds [Hebrews 10:24] and carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ [Galatians 6:2]. But build each other up everyday [Hebrews 3:13]. Couples should put higher priority in resolving differences than on having good night’s sleep. Together couples can overcome all emerging problems; they stay strong and prosper.
Unknown to some women, they behave disrespectful, bossy and controlling the moment they are making more money or suddenly become the bread winner of the household. Some buy into the idea that in this land of the freed, any couple can head a household. What did the scripture say? Others live a lifestyle that compete with other families thereby allowing other people dictate and run your lives. These behaviors have caused untold stress and strain on the family and could help to tear down the family. Smart couples live by their income and are happy and contended.
The common longing deep down a man and a woman is the desire to find comfort, companionship and fulfillment. God installed this longing in us for a purpose: a man to be truly masculine as he can be; a woman to become distinctively feminine as she can be. Each will have a unique role and definable function. God so designed marriage that a husband will meet his wife’s spiritual, emotional and physical needs and vice versa. God had in mind a marriage that is coupling of two distinct designs, one male, one female. To deny the uniqueness of sexes and attempt to fit in misguided struggles to swap roles or deny their existence together has serious consequences. Some people to justify their unisex and alternative lifestyle admiration opine that the issue of sexuality is obsolete and neither exists anymore or not relevant to this instant age but the truth is that it controls the life we live and our behaviors. Others believe and do what the society say than God’s word.
6] Myths of Marriage:
Dr Neil Chadwick prepared four myths of marriage:
i] People marriage because they love each other. There are other reasons: romantic, wishes of parents, bone of friendship, economic security and sympathy; loneliness or just to get out of hook and infatuations etc.
ii] Having Children increases marital satisfaction. No doubt the joy of children overwhelms, but there are exhaustions, pressures, financial strain, and time demanding on the couple. If you did not lay a good foundation and intimacy making quality time for better communication before the babies arrive, both would have distance to contain with after they had gone. A friend, Mr. James Okafor said children are passengers to the family; they come, grow and leave.
iii] A god sex life is the best predictor of marital satisfaction. There are many other extremely important factors: communication, quality time together, problem solving initiatives, mutual respect and commitment. These are more important than sex life; as matter of fact there grow or stimulate sex life.
iv] Half of all marriages end in divorce.
7] General concepts of marriage
a] Marriage was designed and instituted by God [Gen 2:18-24]
b] Marriage is a permanent and intimate bond between a man and his wife [Gen. 2:23-25, Matthew 19:5-6; Rom 7:2].
c] Marriage is figurative of Christ’s union with the Church [Eph 5:23-25].
d] Marriage is ordained by God to be honored and regarded by all [Heb 13:4]
e] Marriage id ordained to be long life and only to be separated by death. It’s only then that the other companion that is life is free to remarry [Rom 7:2-3, Mal 2:16; 1 Cor. 7:11].
f] As children of God marriage with unbeliever is forbidden [2 Cor. 6:14-16; Exodus 6:14-16].
8] God’s purpose for marriage
There’s a purpose in the mind of god for designing and instituting marriage:
i] Companionship Mal 2:14; 1 Peter3:7; Eccl 4:9-12
ii] Ordained to produce godly offspring’s Mal 2:15
iii] Complete sexual satisfaction between a man and his wife Prov. 5:15-20;
Exo. 20:14; Lev 20:10; 1 Cor 3:17; 6:18-20.
iv] Remedial way of preventing immorality 1 Cor 7: 2,9; Matt 1:21, Gal 5:16-19.
9] Who is marriable: Who should be considered ready for marriage? Marriage is too serious a business to check in with a stranger. Must you try to know one whom you desire to spend a life time with? Or think you will know him/her as you age in the union?
a] Must be born again: [1 Cor 6:14; John3:6-7; John1:12; 1 Cor 2:14].
b] Must be established /preserved in faith [Gen 2:7-8, 15, 18; Col 2:6-7].
c] Must be weaned from parents and other relations Gen 2:24; Luke 14:25-26; Matt. 12:47-50].
“Christian marriage has been described as a lifelong commitment and companionship between a man and a woman with exclusive love and fidelity with one another. It’s also known as “troth” which means loyal or pledged faithfulness, fidelity.”
This description is summed up in the Gospel of Mathew 19:4-6,[Read] where Jesus spoke about the importance of marriage in reference to Genesis 2:18, 24-25:
Gen. 2:18 – Man needs a companion, helper/helpmate suitable for him. Both signifies unity which is strength; to encourage and support each other, selflessly serve each other and satisfy sexual needs as well as keep company.
Gen. 2 :24 – they become one, a couple and a unit. They become strong, unshakable and have great bonding; committing, respecting and selflessly serving each other.
Gen 2:25 – naked which means transparent. Do you feel close and comfortable or distant to your spouse? Can you share anything without fears?
This is God’s plan for marriage; it’s forever. Marriage remains one of God’s greater gifts to His children. God’s plan for marriage holds the blueprints for rebuilding unity, mutual trust and to mirror His relationship with His bride, the church. This is a covenant made with God on a marriage /wedding day. It rests on God’s covenantal faithfulness. God’s word clearly states that marriage is ordained by God to be a lifelong commitment, but unfortunately our society expends so much energy and time looking for an acceptable ways to get out of a marriage covenant that is for life. However, when divorce occurs it should be an exception to the norm; it’s not God’s fault but human. Due to human error, Satan has hindered on God’s creation. We fail to accede to the principles the institutor laid down for marriage to be successful. Just the same way many want to drive on our roads but ignore road signs and driving safety rules. We also want to be Christians but neither study manual nor meditate on the word; pray epileptically only when we get stock or have problems.
We need to see marriage as the institution that God created and not something man invented for the sake of convenience. God has inscribed some of His own plan for strong marriage relationships in the very nature and character of man and woman. However a Godly marriage is not created to finding a perfect, flawless person but is created by allowing God’s perfect love and acceptance to flow through one imperfect person-you- toward another imperfect person-your mate.
“Marriage is no fairing-tale land of enchantment. But you create an oasis of love in the midst of a harsh world. So perfection does not exist in it. You have to approach the first few years of marriage with a learner’s permit to work out your incompatibilities.” It could be a continuous process and demand continuous efforts.” It then means that even before creation God had destined marriage to be successful. He also laid foundation to follow to make it a success. Unless we learn and follow persistently God’s laid out conditions for marriage, we shall fail. I say boldly that marriage does not fail but people who enter into marriage and not ready and willing to follow and abide with the Designer/Maker conditions for success, fail.
10] Today, -The Family Altar contains these two stories:
[a] The Blame Game: Just recently a Pastor was asked to meet with a couple whose marriage was in trouble. The wife spent half an hour explaining what was wrong with her husband, and when she was through, the husband listed all the ways his wife had failed him. They were playing the familiar blame game invented by Adam long ago when he blamed his wife and said to God, “The woman you put here with me- she gave me some fruit from the tree and I ate it.” Does that sound like you or me? [May 14, 2008].
[b] Behind closed doors: In his book, The man in the mirror, Patrick Morley quotes a successful businessman, who says, “I know that my marriage looks like the picture of success, but behind the closed doors of my private castle, life is very different.” Throughout the years I’ve found myself in homes that outwardly looked like a picture of harmony but in reality were more like a battlefield or walk-in freezer because of unresolved anger.” Is that the picture of your house? [May 15, 2008]
11] Conditions for ordain marriage to prosper:
“Marriage is likened to a good hand washing technique. The two fists wash, scrub and rub each other until there are thoroughly clean. The two fists need each other and do better when the two work together. Marriage is also liken to a walking process where one foot steps forward and the other behind upholds and gives support as well as get ready to step forward in an exchange position When the two hang up or step down there is a problem.”
It’s possible for an ordain marriage to remains stagnant or crumbles. This happens when it’s left unattended to and when it lacks daily nourishment; when it’s not given a priority and taken for granted. Marriage has been likened to buying an old dilapidated car from day one. It demands for greater attention and care; it’s given a priority.
Below are few but critical success factors in a marriage union:
a] Keep Godly foundation: Psalm 127:1; Proverbs 8: 33-34; 24:3.
No one else care about your marriage more than god does. That is why He instituted most infallible instructions on how married couples should treat and relate to each other.
Commitment; Commitment is a significant factor in managing success. Committed couples find way to improve and nourish the union. They work through differences and find compromising solutions; more tolerant of each others flaws and tend to accept each other for who they are than trying to change him/her. They will help out the other spouse who is working more hours for the family; help out in places of needs and share, bear each others burden. They also work hard to make the marriage work.
Mutual respect: Couples should strive to respect each others position at home and in the work place [Ephesians 5: 21]. Angie Lewis wrote, “I respect my husband and his spiritual leadership in the house. I respect his judgment and guidance. Even if he makes mistakes, we shall discuss it privately. He has a masculine influence and I have the feminine disposition – our children need both.” Angie asked what influence I would show to our boys if I constantly boss and belittle their father. Respect each other for who He/she is. If a man feels disrespected the natural instinct to provide, protect and adore the wife is derailed. If a woman feels disrespected, she wouldn’t have the urge to provide care and warmth for the husband and comfort for the family. Disrespect kills the wife willingness to submit and a husband urge to love. As a matter of fact, people earn respect; man and woman each deserves respect. It is a two-way street: what you give out comes back to you. You may not agree with the opinion of the other person but know that he/she is entitled to an opinion; listen to her/him and gently and courteously say your opinion and why. Be careful to choose the words you use and how you use them. The respect couples have for each other is the same they share with their children. When we treat each other and our children with respect at home, we carry the same outside the home whether at Church, work place, community gatherings and even with our neighbors as well as all the people that comes in contact with us. The book, Good family don’t just happen expresses, the way we speak to and treat our spouse is a sign of respect: it’s not only the words that matter.
Spend quality time together: Quality time together is not necessary to have sex but it could lead to it. It is not time to discuss bills, schools, kids, work house chores and any other everyday duties/activities. Rather it’s a time to appreciate each other, learn to listen to each other; to share about yourself and what we could do for each other. We could talk about how we feel about certain issues and things that could possibly suffocate the relationship [Ecclesiastics 9:9]. This intimate moment make marriage more alive, provoke more love and appreciation of the strength and weakness that both brought into the union. It stimulates romance, provide opportunity to share feeling with each other and communication meaningfully and productively – respect is the core to effective communication. Learn to honestly listen; share thoughts and feelings with your spouse and in return listen to his/hers. In this moment you learn to understand each other by accepting what your spouse shares even when you don’t agree with all his/her viewpoint. If the atmosphere is ripe for it, you talk about troubling issues and new ideas, suggest things you could do together in future, holidays and other projects as well as discuss changes you would like adopt into the family. It is a time primary to talk about how you love each other and appreciate what you are for each other and for the family.
b] Commitment:
c] Respect
d] Submission
e] Encourage each other
f] Spend quality time together
12] Some important attributes of a stable marriage relationship
1. Both couple must honor and put God first
2. Pray together; thank God everyday for your mate and the life you share together
3. Have faith in your marriage, that it’s workable; understand that love is a daily decision not a feeling.
4. Institute mutual respect and honor each other.
5. Study the Bible together as much as possible and use spiritual words to encourage each other.
6. Be committed; protect and honor marriage vows
7. Create “quality” time together and communicate with and speak kind words to each other.
8. Stop trying to change each other or being bossy, controlling or putting down each other’s ideas.
9. Give your marriage a priority.
10. Be quick to recognize and nip the problems on bud.