Tips to help parents through their teen’s rebellion
by Tim Kimmel
Isn’t it puzzling that kids brought up in loving, Christian homes choose to rebel against their parents, or worse, against God? After all, they’ve had Jesus’ love served up in huge helpings. Many have enjoyed the luxuries of a deep Christian heritage — some since the day they were born. Yet they still turn their backs on truth.
If you are a parent with a rebellious son or daughter, please take heart: God knows what you are going through. In fact, He told us how to handle this dilemma in the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15, which shows us that even God — the perfect Father — has children who rebel.
If you are in the midst of your child’s rebellion, here are some things to help you through this season.
- Ask for his forgiveness for ways you may have failed him. Remove any obstacle that would block him from moving toward forgiveness himself.
- Seek wisdom. Sometimes it’s difficult to know when to show your child tenderness and when to give him tough love. You need to lean on God for divine wisdom. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”
- Don’t add bitterness to his rebellion. Keep all lines of communication open. Enjoy interaction with him outside the times you are forced to deal with his rebellious attitude. Give him plenty of reasons to believe you not only still love him but also enjoy his company and have confidence in his future.
- Make sure the rebel knows he always has room to repent. He needs to believe that your door is always open. Like the prodigal, your rebellious child needs to have confidence that if or when he comes to his senses, you have a place for him.
- Be willing for God to use you to help others. Be available to help other people going through similar problems. As 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 reminds us, “Praise be to the God and Father . . . who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”
- Make your life more attractive. Give the prodigal a reason to want to turn around. You don’t want to exemplify the things that may have turned him off to faith. Show him what a vibrant grace-based faith looks like. Let him see that within your goodness is an overwhelming capacity to forgive him when he finally gets tired of running from God.
- Don’t give up. You never know when someone’s heart will turn around.
This article was adapted from an article that first appeared in the October/November 2004 Focus on the Family magazine. Copyright © 2004 Tim Kimmel. All rights reserved.
Loving Your Prodigal
What to do when your teen rebels
by Jeanette Gardner Littleton
Next Article in Series:
- Overview
- Relentless Parenting
- Holding Tight When Your Teen Rebels
- Loving Your Prodigal
- Loving — Even When it Hurts
- Rebellion and Intervention
- Beyond the Heartache
- Next Steps / Related Information
“I don’t have to put up with this. I’m outa here!” Amber stomped to her room.
I don’t remember what the issue was, but a couple of hours later Amber was gone. Several frantic days later, we discovered that our high school senior was living with two older guys.
Amber isn’t the first child, and certainly won’t be the last, to abandon the values he or she was raised with. Sometimes children question their faith in a way that can be nerve-wracking for parents but is a natural part of growing up and making faith their own. At other times, kids make a series of bad choices but don’t walk away from God. Some kids, however, rebel against parents, God and anyone else who gets in their way.
No matter the scenario, it can be a time of stress, anxiety and heartbreak.
What should a parent do when a child goes astray?
- Don’t be too embarrassed to ask for support and prayer. When Amber left, I felt like such a failure. But when my husband and I admitted to others what was going on, we found comfort from Christian parents who also had prodigals.
- Don’t blame yourself. When children enter the prodigal world, we tend to think it’s because we did something wrong. After all, Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” But this Scripture was never meant as a guilt trip, nor as a guarantee. Sure, we make mistakes, but ultimately kids make their own choices. Young people leave family and faith because they decide to.
- Know the difference between helping and enabling. After Susan’s runaway son, Jon, was kicked out of his apartment for not paying the bills, Susan welcomed him back home. But Jon often partied all night, and Susan fielded the calls from his employer, making excuses for Jon when he didn’t arrive at work the next morning. Finally, Susan realized she was enabling her son’s irresponsible behavior. She stopped covering for him and let Jon face the consequences of his actions. Parenting a prodigal often means practicing tough love.
- Don’t forget the rest of your family. One day I was complaining to my friend Rhonda yet again about our prodigal. “What’s going on with your other kids?” she asked. “Yes, you love Amber. But you have two other kids and a husband who need you. Stop focusing on Amber so much that you ignore them.” Sometimes we have to entrust our prodigals to the Lord — and let Him work while we continue with the rest of life.
- Realize your parenting has changed. “Even if your daughter comes home tomorrow, it will be different,” a co-worker told me. “She has emotionally removed herself from your authority. Now you learn how to parent an adult child.” When a child leaves a parent’s care and protection, the relationship changes forever. We can let our prodigals know we love them, but we have to let go of our responsibility for them.
- Build a unified front with your spouse. After Tami left home and got into financial difficulties, her parents decided together how they would field the requests for money they knew would come. They agreed to tell Tami, “I’ll talk to your mom/dad about it, and we’ll let you know.” Also, don’t forget to work on your marriage relationship. Make sure you don’t spend all your time together talking about the prodigal.
- Set boundaries. During a prodigal season, otherwise lovable kids are often at their worst. They may become rude, demanding, manipulative and abusive. Some parents think they have to put up with bad behavior in order to display God’s love. That’s not so. The prodigal benefits more from the parent who says, “I love you, but I won’t tolerate disrespect.” Set boundaries in any area that concerns you, especially if your child wants to move back. Make sure your child understands your boundaries and the consequences for overstepping them.
- Deal with your feelings. Parents of rebellious kids face many emotions: anger (at the child, at themselves, at a mate, at a child’s bad companions), grief, sorrow, depression and guilt. Whatever the feelings, we have to acknowledge them before we can deal with them.
- Remember God loves your child more than you do. Parents of prodigals feel helpless. That’s why we must lean on God and His grace. He constantly draws them to himself and will be with them even when we can’t.
- Look to a brighter future. In talking with dozens of parents, I learned that the prodigal season is just that, a season. Amber outgrew her prodigal stage within a couple of years as she realized she didn’t like being a “wild child.” Sooner or later, most children return to good relationships with their parents and their heavenly Father.
Meanwhile, keep the big picture in mind.
As you continue to love and pray for your child, have faith that your child is God’s work in progress.
This article was adapted from an article that first appeared in the Parents Edition of the May 2008 issue of Focus on the Family magazine. Copyright © 2008 Jeanette Gardner Littleton. All rights reserved.