GROWING YOUR MARRIAGE
Most couples get busy and overwhelm with parenting or chasing riches that they have little or no time to nurture their relationship. They grow so much far apart from each other that minor things that could have been delight and pleasure turn out to displeasure and disagreement. They become so drifted apart by kid’s needs and satisfaction such as: helping with home work, meeting school games schedules, volunteering and community involvement, as well as differences in disciplinary measures etc. Their priority drifts from each other to kids, work and activities. It’s easy to forget that you would have kids for about eighteen to twenty years and thereafter they are grown and leave home, while your spouse and you are proposed to cleave to each other for a life time. The discussions and times you are supposed to have together become full of minor tensions with everyone attempting to put out his/her own agenda and prospective. Writing in Today’s Christian woman on God’s Authority in oneness, Jereme Daley submitted, “Too often, marriage operates like a tension-filled committee of two in which each committee member is bent on gaining the upper hand. Instead of living in oneness, the couple lives on a battleground of power struggles and authority are the casualty.”
Some marriages are likened to orange without juice. Even though they are husband and wife but live like cat and mouse. Making a choice of a spouse is one thing but keeping (holding on to) the relationship is where the challenge lies. Acceptance is easy to make but commitment to make it work is a daily devotion; without which you could drift to a dead end such that the juice evaporates from the fruit and you live lonely together dried of the energy to connect to each other. Every marriage union has also been likened to a farmland that needs clearing, cultivation, weeding and watering while you patiently wait reaping. Another illustration looks at marriage as an old car that needs constant attention: oil’s topping and change, tuning, brakes check and washing and detailing, etc. For any union to stay alive and blissful, it takes hard work on the part of both couples to grow it. You grow your relationship, when you:
Create time together: In the midst of the busy activity schedules, create time to be together devoid of any distractions – kids, phone, television, etc. It should be included in your weekly schedule and make it a time worth having such that each of you look forward to weekly. Discuss issues that affect both of you that help to open more understanding and cherishing each other. You can ask questions like: how do you feel about your job? What can I do to help break a bad habit of lateness at work? Talk about raising kids, appreciating each other and how you have been blessed and favored by the companionship, etc. It may not be the right time and place to discuss bills, etc.
Tackle areas of dissension: As you crave time and chat together, you should deep into affairs affecting the smooth running of the union such as: disciplining children and granting them attention. One parent may be more lenient while the other believes in firm discipline. Such difference could bring misunderstanding and children are quick to take advantage of it. They seem to like the more lenient who tolerate their idiosyncrasies and may develop a dislike if not hatred towards the strict disciplinarian. This problem should be handled with care and tact. You could seek the help of a Christian counselor who specializes in parent-child issues. Please note that not all pastors or all who put out sign post as counselors are experienced in handling family issues.
Practice daily forgiveness: Marriage is a relationship between two good daily forgivers. We offend each other almost every time. We think and behave differently; sometimes we make wrong choices or act in error. We should be humble enough to accept our shortcomings and show outward feeling of regrets and sorrow. Do not harbor grudges and unforgiveness; it could develop into a hardcore. Be always willing to ask for and give forgiveness; repent from wrong doing. Remember if you harbor iniquities in your heart, the Lord will not hear your prayers (Psalm 66:18). Again, if you do not forgive one another God will not forgive you (Matt 6: 14; Mark 11:26). More so, our kids see how sincere and apologetic we are and would tend to emulate us.
Be Proactive in doing good: Always think, what can I do to make my spouse more joyful and delightful; feels I care and indeed love him/her. Find ways to initiate something pleasant and graceful. Do not postpone any opportunity to do good. Love is an action word and not just a spoken word. It is what we do with what we say that matters. Minimize or even avoid complains, nagging and trying to control or take advantage of the other. Tell your spouse of something you admire in her/him. Be your spouse mirror.
Practice mutual respect: Most times what you put in a relationship equals what you get. Respect is reciprocal and mutual. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Men are respectable only as they respect.” U. Thant quote becomes relevant, “Every human being, of whatever origin, of whatever station, deserves respect. We must each respect others as we respect ourselves.” Also I share the valuable opinion of Herbert Henry Lehman, “I must respect the opinions of others even if I disagree with them.” Couples must practice mutual submission and respect in the fear of God (Eph. 5:21; Phil. 2:3-4).
Maintain open and honest communication: Some couples talk with each other once in every 12 hours yet they talk with their friends every time even while driving. Again, they are dishonest and deceitful to themselves. “Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationship she or he makes with others and what happens to each in the world” Virginia Satir. Some have secrets that every other person knows except their spouse. This group of people talks nice to their friends and peers but harsh and repulsive to their spouses; most times the only point of discussion is their children needs. “…Speak straight and do not wish to deceive or be deceived” Cochise. What happens when the kids are grown and leave home? You find two strange co-tenants living lovely together and getting to the point of intolerable. Couples should maintain connection with each other. This involves open and honest communication with sincerity of purpose. Infact, couples must communicate purposefully, honestly and responsibly. Talking with your spouse during the day keeps you connected and related till evening, of course takes you into the night time.
Sharing Financial Responsibility: Money is not evil but the love of it (above your spouse and family) is evil. Money does whatever it is asked to do – build or scatter. It could be a blessing or a curse. Money is likened to a handgun; in the hand of a police, it’s an instrument of justice while in the hand of an arm robber, it becomes an instrument of destruction and death. Couples should share financial responsibilities. The income of both couples become the wealth of the family and should be applied in meeting family needs and solving related problems. A couple should not be selfish or build a monster just because he/she makes more income than his/her spouse. Often money becomes a point of dispute for couples and core reason for disagreement, incessant quarrels, separation and divorce. Let money build your marriage rather than scatter/destroy it.
Reach: Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill at weefreeministries@yahoo.com or P.O. Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272. Web: www.weefreeministries.org; Phone: 832-881-3929 (c).