PROBLEMS AFRICAN MARRIAGES FACE IN WESTERN WORLD [Part 2]
Marriage relationship in western culture is purely partnership; man and woman are co-pilots. There are two captains in a ship and no gender supremacy. Each partner brings equal stake, strengths and weaknesses to the union. African culture deals with women differently because they regard them as weaker vessels and mothers of children. Cultural values do not regard women equal to men. A male child has a prime place than their female mates. He’s regarded as heir apparent and possesses greater portion of inheritance in the family. Women are raised to be submissive to men. They take care of children and household chores while the men pursue sources of family upkeep. That was then: in today’s age and in western world most women bake more bacon than their spouses. African women in western world have criticized this statuesque. Our female folks living abroad have enjoyed freedom from men dominated lifestyle and bought into the European approach, ignoring the consequences.
Surprisingly, most African men abroad have not fully imbibed western approach of co-piloting in marriage. Some still hold tenaciously to the African culture and tradition. Should this be a plus? This issue has been identified as number one remote cause of men insecurity and conflicts in home. Unfortunately in this land of freedom men can not unleash their fury and have lost the support of the community as in Obodo-Africa. Both men and women choose selected scriptures to support their gender prejudices and domineering attitudes. For example: ‘every beast and man was formed from the dust except a woman; God used a man’s rib to make a woman and man named her. God made a man the head and a woman his helper and completion. A woman committed the first sin; after then her desires are subjected to her husband and He rules over her.’ On the other hand, women claim God created man – male and female; man charged to love women unconditionally and both have mutual submission and respect. Man should honor wives and be courteous to them. These are bunch of ancient religious stuffs irrelevant to this age and time! Surprisingly we still have these evidences in the scriptures, our manufacturer’s manual. African husbands are further accused of sitting on their wives’ progress especially in pursuit of careers; feel threatened by strong and sophisticated women who are determined to make differences in their fields of studies and achieve success, even when the ladders to their achievements were fetched and placed by their husbands. These situations cause conflicts at homes; a commonplace in most African marriages in western world.
We have female chauvinists who adopt ‘down with men’ behavior and attitudes. They crack jokes that put down men, dishonor husband and scorn their needs. They treat husbands like children and attempt to control and feel superior to men. Some are quick to discredit their husband’s decisions, dreams and masculinity; cheapened, ridiculed as well as criticized them openly even in front of their children. In attempt to overcompensate themselves over years of male chauvinism in motherland, most women abroad put on overbearing attitudes that degrades them not only before God’s eyes but the Church. How much do Churches care? This group of women pride in activities while the relationship is lost; sadly live as co-tenants with their men and raise holy flags in Church worship. Have these women found new independence? Think of it, are women not born just like men; many among them are intelligent and even more creative than some men. Yet men contend that all animals are equal but some are more equal than others. Women are more sensitive and better home builders than men. Many are better managers of resources and show emotionally ruggedness. Tired of men’s’ superiority stuff and chauvinism, women dread and call it slavery to submit to any man, abuse to cook for so-called husband, a molestation to yield to men’s sexual advances especially when they feel indifferent. Having children is doing men unmerited favor, dis-service to women as well as indignity. Apart from the agony and pains of pregnancy and child birth, it interferes with women’s pursuit of careers and wearing their best outfits.
On the other hand some men have conflict between African traditions and western cultures. Surprisingly, equality issues do not surface during courtship or while in Africa but in foreign land. Men usually take their place as head and pull out their superiority strings after marriage. Debra Smith writing on ‘Romancing your husband’ opined that some women see their men as helpless and perform mother-wife roles in their husband. They do everything alone grumbling and complaining. Some even find it difficult to train their children to help them on domestic duties because they feel insatiable with helpers. They should learn to respect their husbands on their character not on their domestic abilities or shortcomings. Some women nag and criticize their husbands in every thing they do when they attempt to help. The food may not be as tasteful as if she made it, but appreciate that he did something to ensure there was meal on the table while she was away. Again as willingly and often as he does it, he gets better. You may have to stop nagging him and demeaning him just because we’re in ‘Oyibo’ land; it usually backfires and the consequences is unbearable. Some are now regenerated into murder.
Before we throw away our rich African culture in preference to white man’s culture, we should reexamine what we have to loose to get what we desire, the challenges and the consequences of other choices. I read with great admiration a well tailored commentary titled: Equality in African Relationships: the problem with some men, some women and our society, authored by Folasoyo Dele-Ogunrinde, published sometime at Nigerian world. Com. It’s thought provoking and sensitive to the affairs of women. Most of these women bake more bacon and return home to attend to men’s needs as well as that of the children. Folasoyo raised the issue of insecurity among men whose wives love and pursue their careers. She applauded strong, persuasive and assertive women, who compete with men folks to leave a landmark on the sand of progress. But she failed to address: should pursuance of careers and riches be at the expense of the family; raising secured and loving children? Little wonder some people are successful at work but failures at home. A society that neglects the family is extinct.
Due to other pursuits we are already raising a generation that feeds on junk food and pizza ordered on cell phones. Our young people don’t eat healthy home-made meals. Cooking for the family is considered time consuming and en-slavery. Funny enough those who claim to admire western cultures fickle out and troubled when their children marry or get married to them. Unfortunately, even the Westerners have problems in the system some Africans admire. They have set up study groups, some headed by African organizations [NGOs] to find ways of solving these problems. It’s an on going exercise. Again, dinner time used to be family time: to interact with kids, listen to their needs and problems as well as watch table manners. These had died a natural death. Sadly enough, our marriages are in shambles and the consequences are: living lonely together, separation or divorce. Most divorce couples regret their actions and suffer the consequences of their strong won’t. The psychological effects on children include: poor grades at school, depressions, mingle with bad peer groups, seeking love in cults and gang group and indiscipline in society.
Brethren, no matter what our goals are in the society we live in, we should remember “we live life once and if we plan it well once is enough.” We have a responsibility to live rightly and hand over the batons to future generations. We can not afford to neglect this high calling in preference to chasing wealth and worldliness. If we succeed in chasing wealth and fail in raising a secured family, we have failed. Whatever we give our children and household, they receive and live by it; it affects their being and the world around them. Dan Millman, in the life we were born to live said, “People from all walks of life share an innate drive for meaning, direction and purpose. This drive to understand our life purpose seems as important to our psychological growth as eating is to our biological survival.” We cannot change our world if we can’t change ourselves. The world is not to be put in order; the world is order, incarnate. It’s for us to harmonize with this order [Henry Miller]. He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe [Marcus Aurelius]. When righteous people live in integrity; their children are blessed after them [Proverbs 20:7]. If we have built castles in the air, brood no longer because our work is not yet lost; now let us put foundations under it. – Osa Johnson. Couples should practice life of mutual respect and commitment to each other.
Again since men and women believe that God created everything and is perfect in all his ways we should have no problem adhering to the authority He placed in His institution of marriage. Even though men and women have equal standing in Christ and equal spiritual privileges, our roles are quite different. There are physical and functional differences between man and woman for God to fulfill His purpose. God had assigned spiritual headship to the husband, not the wife. Men should not abdicate that role and responsibility. Again the responsibility of spiritual oversight over the home and Church are given to men not women [1 Timothy 2:12]. The husband not the wife is to be the head of the family. The scripture unambiguously assigns that duty to men, not women. The men are the heads while women are the necks without which the heads cannot turn. They are to share life as a unit and a couple. However, when there is mutual respect for each other, love overflows and takes away insecurities, uncertainties, equality stuff; who makes what and self pride as well as conflict in headship. It all bothers on the choices couples make.
Reach: Evangelist Godswill Ogbonnaya at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com OR P. O. Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272.