EQUALITY IN AFRICAN MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP
Marriage relationship in western culture is purely partnership; man and woman are co-pilots. There are two captains in a ship and no gender supremacy. Each partner brings equal stake, strengths and weaknesses to the union. African cultural values do not regard women equals to men. A male child has a prime place than their female mates. He’s regarded as an heir apparent and possesses greater portion of inheritance in the family. Women are raised to be submissive to men. They take care of children and household chores. These have attracted stain criticism from African women in western world. Our female folks living abroad have enjoyed freedom from men dominated lifestyle and bought into the European approach, ignoring the consequences.
Surprisingly, most African men abroad have not fully imbibed western approach of co-piloting in marriage. They still hold tenaciously to the African culture and tradition. Should this be a plus? This issue has been identified as number one remote cause of men insecurity and conflicts in home. Unfortunately in this land of freedom men can not unleash their fury and have lost the support of the community as in Obodo-Africa. Both men and women choose selected scriptures to support their gender prejudices and domineering attitudes. For example: ‘every beast and man was form from the dust except a woman; God used a man’s rib to make a woman and man named her. God made a man the head and a woman his helper and completion. A woman committed the first sin; after then her desires are subjected to her husband and He rules over her.’ On the other hand, women claim God created man – male and female; man charged to love women unconditionally and both have mutual submission and respect. Man should honor wives as weaker vessels and be courteous to her. These issues appear bunch of ancient religious stuffs irrelevant to this age and time! African husbands are further accused of sitting on their wives’ progress especially in pursuit of careers; feel threatened by strong and sophisticated women who are determined to make differences in their fields of studies and achieve success, even when the ladders to their achievements were fetched by their husbands. These situations cause crises and conflicts at homes; a commonplace in most African marriages in western world. Some cases sadly have degenerated into abuses and murder.
We have female chauvinists who adopt ‘down with men’ behavior and attitudes. They crake jokes that put down men, dishonor husband and scorn their needs. They treat husbands like children and attempt to control and feel superior to men. Some are quick to discredit their husband’s decisions, dreams and masculinity; cheapened, ridiculed as well as criticized them openly even in front of their children. In attempt to overcompensate themselves over years of male chauvinism in motherland, most women abroad put on overbearing attitudes that degrades them not only before God’s eyes but the Church. This group of women pride in activities while the relationship is lost; sadly live as cotenants with their men and raise holy flags in worship service. Are these injustices against women? Are women not created by the same God as men? They’re born just like men and many among them are intelligent and even more creative than some men. Yet men contend that all animals are equal but some are more equal than others. Women are more sensitive and better home builders than men. Many are better managers of resources and show emotionally ruggedness. Tired of men’s’ superiority stuff and chauvinism, women dread and call it slavery to submit to any man, abuse to cook for so-called husband, a molestation to yield to men’s sexual advances especially when they feel indifferent. Having children is doing men unmerited favor, dis-service to women as well as indignity. Apart from the agony and pains of pregnancy and child birth, it interferes with women’s pursuit of careers and wearing their best slim outfits.
On the other hand some men have conflict between African cultures and western cultures. Surprisingly, equality issues do not surface during courtship or while in Africa but in foreign land. Men usually take their place as head and pull out their superiority strings after marriage. Debra Smith writing on ‘Romancing your husband’ opined that some women see their men as helpless and perform mother-wife roles in their husband. They do everything alone grumbling and complaining. Some even find it difficult to train their children to help them on domestic duties because they feel insatiable with helpers. They should learn to respect their husbands on their character not on their domestic abilities or shortcomings. Some women nag and criticize their husbands in every thing they do when they attempt to help. The food may not be as tasteful as if she made it, but appreciate that he did something to ensure there was meal on the table. Again as willingly and often as he does it, he gets better. A great number of African men know how to cook and help in other household chores. You may have to stop nagging him and demeaning him just because we’re in ‘Oyibo’ land; it usually backfires and the consequences is unbearable. Indeed, some people do not know where and when to stop.
Before we throw away all our rich African culture in preference to white men’s culture, we should reexamine what we have to loose to get our new found admiration, the challenges and the consequences of other choices. I read with great admiration a well tailored commentary titled: Equality in African Relationships: the problem with some men, some women and our society, authored by Folasoyo Dele-Ogunrinde, published sometime at Nigerian world. Com. It’s thought provoking and sensitive to the affairs of women. Most of these women bake more bacon and return home to attend to men’s needs as well as that of the children. Folasoyo raised the issue of insecurity among men whose wives love and pursue their careers. She applauded strong, persuasive and assertive women, who compete with men folks to leave a landmark on the sand of progress. But let’s ask: should pursuance of careers and riches be at the expense of the family; raising secured and loving children? Little wonder some people are successful at work but failures at home. A society that neglects the family is extinct.
Due to other pursuits we are already raising a generation that feeds on junk food and pizza ordered on cell phones. Our young people don’t eat healthy home-made meals. Cooking for the family is considered time consuming and en-slavery. Funny enough those who claim to admire western cultures fickle out and troubled when their children marry or get married to them. Unfortunately, even the Westerners are seeking solutions to the problems some female immigrant Africans admire. They have set up study groups, some headed by African organizations [NGOs] to find ways of solving the problems in the system. It’s an on going exercise. Dinner time used to be family time: to interact with kids, listen to their needs and problems as well as watch table manners. Most divorce couples regret their actions and suffer the effects of their strong won’t. The psychological effects on children include: poor grades at school, depressions, mingling with bad peer groups and seeking love in gangs, cults and indiscipline in society.
Again since men and women believe that God created everything and is perfect in all his ways we should have no problem adhering to the authority He placed in His institution of marriage. Even though men and women have equal standing in Christ and equal spiritual privileges, our roles are quite different. There are physical and functional differences between man and woman for God to fulfill His purpose. God had assigned spiritual headship to the husband, not the wife. Men should not abdicate that role and responsibility. Again the responsibility of spiritual oversight over the home and Church are given to men not women [1 Timothy 2:12]. The husband not the wife is to be the head of the family. The scripture unambiguously assigns that duty to men, not women. The men are the heads while women are the necks without which the heads cannot turn. They are to share life as a unit, couple. However, when there is mutual respect for each other, love flows and takes away insecurities, uncertainties, equality, who makes what and self pride as well as conflict in headship. It all bothers on the choices couples make. Listen carefully, this war nobody wins but all suffer the consequences, especially the off- springs. What we can’t express runs our life.
Reach: Evangelist Godswill Ogbonnaya at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com OR P. O. Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272.