African marriage is a communal event. During the glorious ceremony the community and members from both [bride and groom] sides gather to initiate their young ones into marriage institution. The event also signifies coming of age and recognition to plant a family in a community. As the couple enters into this respected group, they have family members from both sides to help out with kids and household chores. If they have problem, they invite elders of their community to intervene and mediate. The elders entreat the man to treat his wife with passion, love and respect while the woman would be admonished to honor and be submissive to her husband. Their aim is to maintain authority in marriage and keep peace at home; conflicts in homes breed untold consequences. Even though they go to Church, many rarely involve Church leaders in their marriage palaver, for fear of loosing their prestige and respect.
The wife runs the house and sees that the household is well fed, house is clean and children look neat while the man works and provides most of the family financial needs. The man may not be around all the time; the search to keep the family happy could take him far and near. The man is the family head and highly respected. One may grow up and never saw or heard money matters being discussed. The man is the bread winner; it does not matter if the wife earned more than he does, you never find out. Most women work for their convenience while others do home based businesses. Even though some are professionals and business women they still get to know what goes on at home. Should your mum report to your dad your bad behavior you’re in hot soap; your best bet would be to accept her lesser corrective measures before your dad hears it.
In advance countries, these norms have disappeared. Life appears different. One African woman said, “This is the woman’s world, take it or leave it. Here is freedom from men’s dominated lifestyle. Women are independent to pursue their careers without men’s hindrance. Boo, we have the right to do whatever we like.” The laws of the land seem to support them. Over here a great number of women circumstantially contribute significantly to the family upkeep and some bake more bacon than their spouses. They put their mouth where their sweat and money is. In some homes, the women assume leadership and take decisions without consulting their spouses. In others, two captains steer the ship resulting in conflict leadership. The rate of divorce is high and single parent is an acceptable norm. Domestic violence, homicides, broken hearts and broken homes result from abuses. When two elephants fight the grass suffers. Children raised from conflict homes are insecure, lack love and depressed; make poor grades at school and fraternize with wrong peer groups as well as have problems with the law enforcement.
In western cultures, marriage is partnership between two persons. A typical western family is a man, wife and child [children and may be dog or cat]. The household chores are divided between man and partner. There are no house-helps; both couples work and get tired as they return home while some even passed to the third job. There’s no extended family. Even when they are privileged to visit, they have no authority or say in the running of the home. The couples are stressed out running errands – picking the kids to and from school for classes, games and extra curriculum activities; helping them do their home works and picking stuffs from stores. In the process they invariably picked on themselves. In this abode marriage is no big deal. Many people cohabitate, have kids and raise them outside marriage. Some say they are happy single and are in control of their lives.
Femi Awodele says marital conflict is a disease that affects people from every part of the world, whether in Africa, Asia, Europe or America. Whenever two people come together, there is bound to be conflict. It cut across geographical, cultural, economics or Spiritual beliefs. As Africans migrate to Advance world, they face new set of values and conflicts. In European world the roles of men and women differ significantly. Men lead the homes in both cultures but wives in Africa are a bit passive. Western culture recognizes a woman as an equal partner in marriage. Most courts award fifty percent of family value to women in case of divorce, where the women are sit-at-home mums.
Marriage is a union of two individuals with different personalities and family of origin traits; visions as well as expectations. Each person attempts to entrench into the union great values and lifestyles as well as weaknesses imbibed from their origins. Some lifestyles are inculcated from peers, associations and what appears invoke or culture of new abode. These and more constitute the conflicts and perpetual issues that invade the peace of our homes. Conflicts, crises and daily hassles become part of every marriage relationship. Some conflicts are universal to every union: like money, parenting styles, communication, sex, in-laws, stress, anger and host of others. Others new to African culture include: romance, public expression of affection, communications, etc. Judith Wallerstein in the Good marriage: How and Why love last, opined marriage brings changes…..good marriage have common thread of flexibility – adapting to unexpected changes……and anticipating potholes and detours; these make marriage strong and last.
Even though marriage is defined as a union between two persons, African marriage is bigger than just two people: parents, grand-parents, children, in-laws, brothers and sisters, nephews and cousins, friends, acquaintances, communities and Church families, crowd of witnesses etc. Also as we go through conflicts, we should bear in mind that just like temptations are no sins, conflicts are no crises but how we handle them constitute problems or solutions. No matter the changes we face: abode, financial contributions and differences in opinions, equality partnership; these are not sufficient to cost us our marriages. The effects of these nemeses on children are enormous.
Most Africans migrated to western world thinking once they get here, their problems are over. But the truth is that as they arrive here, they meet new set of values with their associated problems and challenges. For example: The American English and jargons differ from the queens’ English, they learnt in Africa: Trousers are called pants, fuel named gas and the word ‘stuff’ could mean anything. Uninterrupted light and telephone means money to meet the bills and services. Of course it’s better than the epileptic or no power for month’s situation in Obodo. You need food, job, a car to move around and gas money. Crucially you need to regularize your immigration papers less you live in fears and could be bundled back. You need to learn the laws and city rules and limits. For example: In Africa your wife may not deny you sex but here she can and any attempt to have your way is considered an abuse. Here you can abuse your spouse sexually, verbally spiritually and even financially. Be therefore careful and learn to apply the limits and boundaries. Here you may not spank your child or your brother’s children or make noise to disturb their peace. They can call Peace officer on you or the near by neighbors could do same on their state. You can abuse someone by calling names or say something bad and by behavior. Try to keep the disagreement between Mom and Dad to the minimum; not to buck your kids or next door neighbors; they could call 911 on you. Buckle your belt and welcome to the land of the freed.
Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill can be reached by email:gkapin53@yahoo.com