A Compassionate Spirit
As a follow up to my various presentations on different aspects of marriage life and reactions from warmth responsive readers to my columns in different newspapers, I have been severally asked: How do you know a good spouse as well as choose one? What behavior and attitude would you look out for? Are there signs to look for and background checks to carry out? These questions and others have continuously bothered young people who desire to have blissful marriage life but engulfed in a near fatherless society where divorce rate is souring high and the consequences begging for urgent attention. I do not claim to have all the answers, but by experience knowledge and studies, I could proffer some insights. In the first part of my response titled, “Helpmate Spirit” I tired to shade light on some of the qualities a man should look for in a woman that he intends to date and marry. In this presentation titled, “Compassionate Spirit” I shall in the same vein, attempt to consider: what a woman looks for in a man that could make a good date and husband? What character traits should she look for? The word, “Compassionate” could be an adjective or transitive verb. Literally, it could be described as: ‘having a temper, disposition to pity, to sympathize with, be merciful, to commiserate, etc; there never was any heart truly great and generous that was not also tender and compassionate.’
This brought to mind the story of the Israelites and Moses, their God chosen leader. Despite the fact that Moses was God’s choice and a compassionate leader, the Israelites criticized him and his God; they were stubborn, very unyielding and disobedient. At different phase in the wilderness experiences they behave uncompromisingly, unruly to Moses. After witnessing all the uncommon miracles that God performed in the hand of Moses: from the confrontations of Pharaoh to let the children of Israel go, to the miracles of dividing the Red sea yet they turned against Moses anyway and of course his God; chose, make and worship Baal [Exodus 32:9-14ff, 32]. God wrath burnt hot against them and He described them as “stiff-necked people” [vs 9]; He had intended to destroy all of them if only Moses would give way. After then God would make Moses a great nation [vs 10]. But Moses consumed with compassion humbly pleaded with God on their behalf and said if you will not forgive them, I pray you blot my name in your book which you have written [vs 31-32]. Moses did not mind that these people had verbally abused him, insulted him and became disobedient but he still cared for and loved them anyway. Their stubbornness and unruly behaviors provoked Moses to anger that caused God to make him only see but did not enter the PromiseLand. Yet Moses loved them and pleaded their cause. He was described as the most compassionate leader in the scripture. He stood in gab for the people he loved before God and pleaded that he was nothing without them. God had to restraint himself and His wrath because of Moses pleading. Even today, God has not changed. When God finds one who is obedient and reference Him with a compassionate spirit for His people, He listens and honors him/her. This story brings with it many attributes that could applied for good man and husband.
Some character traits a woman considers in a man she dates for a husband:
Protector: God designed and created marriage and in His blue print had a coupling of two distinct designs, one male and one female [Genesis 1:27]. James Walker in his book titled, Husband who won’t lead and wife who won’t follow said, “Deep within each man and woman is a common longing: the desire to find comfort, companionship and fulfillment. God installed this longing in us for a purpose: one of the purposes of marriage for a man is to become as truly masculine as he can be. Likewise, a woman’s fulfillment in marriage comes as she become as distinctively feminine as she can be. Each will have a unique role and definable function.” He added, “Throughout recorded history, society has depended on male protection and what men by their strength provide. In the short span of the last hundred years, we have taken away a man’s hunting rifle and put him at a computer – which may have obscured but not removed him from the role of a protector.”
Preserve in Faith: The person must be God fearing, holding faith and good conscience; preferable a born again. Do not even at all think of marrying an unbeliever, with the hope you will convert him. While it’s not impossible but an uphill task and may turn out a disappointment. Again the scripture warns we should not be equally yoke with unbeliever [2 Corinthians 6:14-16; 1 Corinthians 2:14]. You may say he was born into a Christian home and the father is a bishop or the foundation member of a Church denomination or the mother is women leader in a Church. He is simply a Church goer and religious but if he’s not born again, it’s not good enough; God does not approve it. More so marrying an unbeliever is disobeying God’s instruction. Try to resist whatever pressure that is attracting you or every inclination to work against God commandment; whether it is riches, firm, gain or ego, it will end up hindering you achieving your goal. He must be someone establish in faith and matured in the Lord. Two of you shall agree on a thing in prayers and obtains God’s favor as God’s children. Again if the head is deep in faith it shall overflow and affect the whole body.
Maturity: The American Heritage College Dictionary describes it as a state of having reached full natural growth or development; having reached a desired or final condition and completion. It relates to or characteristic of full development of physical, mental and spiritual growth suitable for adults; having reached a maximum development of form that no longer subject to great expansion or development. Marriage is not a boy and girl [amateur] relationship, who are still sucking milk [or mamma’s boy]; who has no will of his own. A man in marriage must not only be spiritually but physically matured. He must be able to know who he is, exercise his authority as God’s symbol, know his privileges and boundaries [Genesis1:28-30; 2:7-8]; understand the signs of the times and be able to discern the games of intruder [Genesis 3:1ff]. He must be able to give sense of directions, keep communication open and answer responsibly on behalf of the wife and children [Genesis 3:8-10]. A man must be able to give his spouse affection and love; understand the game of love, conduct and rule his household after God. Some men are overgrown baby boys who still have to confer with their parents before reaching a decision with their wives. The scripture says, For this reason a man [not a boy or baby] shall leave His father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife and shall become one [Genesis 2:24; Matthew 12:47-50].
Provider: A man should have a viable means of livelihood or job prospect. This will enable him fulfill his responsibility to the spouse and family. From the genesis of life, God gave man the responsibility of cultivating the earth [Genesis 2:15]; his nature of masculinity drives him to provide for his family’s needs. It gives him great satisfaction and respect to perform the function of a provider. The book, Building a fulfilling marital relationship says God has confidence in the Christian man, expecting him to provide leadership, care and love for his wife and the home entirely on behalf of the Lord. He must be so matured and understanding as to bear any shock arising from his intimate knowledge of his wife. He is to responsibly seek help and salvation and divine covering for her.” Even though whatever a wife is, has, does or achieves is to the glory of the husband; she is a helper to the husband. She should not be made to bear alone the whole family financial responsibility. A man should be able to work and contribute his own quarter of the family needs. Infact, women look forward to receiving something no matter how small to add to the family upkeep. When a woman has more economic power than the husband, often there are tempted and inclined to assuming leadership of the home: I mean to put their mouths where their moneys are especially in Advance world.
Compassionate: A preacher once said, “if your husband is not your Moses [the most compassionate man and leader in the scripture], then you will experience problems in your marriage. A compassionate man is one who exhibit love in action. He loves his wife as himself; bear, respect and treat her as his body. A man who must not count wrongs but dwell with his wife in wisdom, understanding, giving to her and treating her as a weaker vessel…….[1Peter 3:7-9]. He must be a man who will not bear bitterness in his heart towards his wife but treat her tenderly and always forgiving her [Colossians 3:19]. We should not loose sight that we are a forgiven people saved by grace of God. A compassionate man is one who does thing without grudges, grumbling, complaining and disputing [Philippians 2:14; Colossians 3:19].
Love and respect for family: A man who loves his family will protect his wife and children. He will ensure he works to provide for their needs. He will respect the opinions of the wife and crave time to listen to his wife and children. He will respect not only his immediate family but also the families of in-laws and his extended family. You could force someone to obey another but you cannot force him/her to respect another person. You cannot claim to love someone until you first respect the person. When you respect someone you can be submissive to him/her. Little surprised the scripture calls for mutual respect and submission. Like wise husbands ………..giving honor unto your wife as unto a weaker vessel….. [1 Peter 3:7]. Honor is considered as a higher regards and respect. People earn respect; you cannot force another to respect you. Such a man should have great love for the family: wife, children, and be willing to support them [Colossians 3:19; Ephesians 5:25].
Support the wife’s dream: Some men hold to the fact that God created a woman out of a man to be his helper and serve him. Yes, this is half the truth. She was created out of man to become part of him and be a companion and completion. A woman may have a dream and a vision for good of her man and family. Such vision if supported may turn out to be a blessing to the man and the family. The family could be uplifted by the trade of the woman. His man should support her to acquire necessary skills that will help achieve her dreams. Women who acquire the right skills are in high demand in work places. The insinuation that men are jittery if their spouses possess higher skills and earn more income is not universal. What is wrong is if she allows that higher skill or income to get into her head and beginning to be controlling and bossy. However, I have witnessed incidences where men have helped their wives to achieve their dreams and climb to an enviable height only for them to turn around and look down on the husband and most cases behave as if the husbands are no longer part of them and instrumental to their successes. They easily forget who placed the ladder that took them to the top. Again, supporting each other’s dreams whether of acquiring higher skills or making more money, should not override the importance of raising a strong family. Some people are high flayers at work but failures at home.
Honest and Trustworthy: A woman needs someone whom she can trust. The person must be honest, reliable and sincere. He shall neither lie nor possess doubtful character. He must speak the truth always and hold high sense of morality. In our world people lie in words, actions and silences. He must be responsible and accountable for his words and actions. He must be a transparent Christian without deceit and guile; someone whose love for God shall constraint to tell the truth at all times and strives to live in righteousness.
Have an achievable goal: Some men have goals that would be mysterious to attain while others have no goals at all. They are double minded or rolling stone that only gather dust. A man must cultivate a habit of setting goals and having plans to work on. There are short and long term plans. “People do not generally plan to fail but fail to plan.” A vision brings forth a mission and where there is a vision there is a provision. Do not forget that the glory goes not to the planter or one who waters but to one who gives the increase. With God all things are possible.
Self Control and discipline: Most people live by feelings and sight. But a man of faith learns how to be obedient and where to draw the line. He must be a man of faith; not given to drunkenness and restrict himself to moderation. He’s not a man who can’t pass anything in skeet. He must watch and be careful to exercise control over the three “Ws’: women, wine and weed. A man who can exercise authority over his household and have the practice of tarrying before God on his kneels. He must not be greedy for money, not violent, not quarrelsome…… [1 Timothy 3:2-7]. Robert S. McGee in his book, Discipline with love opines appropriate discipline establishes limits and boundaries that curtail unacceptable behavior [indiscipline]; these limits when internalized form a healthy self control. A husband should not take revenge and punishment as a way to get respect and submissiveness. Godly discipline is rooted in love in action and produces respect, understanding and submissiveness.
Compliments: He must be a man who can appreciate his spouse and her effects. He must not only have it in mind but say it out to her. He must learn to express three unique phrases: Thank you [or I appreciate], I’m sorry and Excuse me. He should render to his spouse affection due to her and uphold her in good and bad times [1 Corinthians 7:3]. He should be able to nourish and cherish his wife spiritually, physically and emotionally.
Friend and confidant: Most couples are just husband and wife but no friends. Their relationship has not graduated into intimacy. They cannot dance the dance of love: sharing, serving and honoring each other. They grow to become part and parcel of each other and know themselves. A man who should be driven by love and become confidant and trusted friend.
A Leader and Head: A husband is a head and leader to his wife and household. Leadership in God’s kingdom is not by ruling and lording it over others. In God’s kingdom and household a leader demonstrate exemplary skills. Remember you delegate what you can do and not what you cannot do. Your leadership must be driven by compassion. To love is to obey God’s commandments. God has commanded us to love our wives as Christ loves the Church. Just like in Trinity, God the Father is the head though they are equal; so do we have in marriage, the husband is the head of the wife. The head is the highest point in the body and co-ordinates all part of the body. He also gives the body right sense of belonging and identity [Ephesians 1:22, 5:23; 1 Corinthians 11:3]. “The head must also appreciate the indispensability of the body because no head can achieve anything without the body. Neither can the body do anything without the head.”
Reach: Evangelist Ogbonnaya, Godswill at: weefreeministries@yahoo.com or P.O. Box 720035, Houston, Texas, 77272.