Choosing a spouse
People are going through a lot in our world; some are hard to mention, others unbelievably doubtful and makes no sense yet its true and every day occurrence. For example: Marriages are collapsing; homosexual lifestyle getting popular salutation and married couples openly identifying with Swinging clubs. Divorce rate is steeply on increase and associate problems begging for attention. A great number in marriage relationship are so frustrated that some want to jump out while those outside are zealously knocking for entrance, not knowing what to expect. Others are quick to say yes I do before thinking about what they said. Yet most young people look forward to getting married while single parents still hope in God for a second chance of catching, ‘Mr. or Ms. right’ loving spouse and getting married. As married couples go through the difficulties of understanding each other, some still wonder whether they made right choices. On the other hand the institution of marriage is daily rudely attacked by those who hate ‘real’ relationship. They live on feelings and sentiments; have regards for nothing meaningful.
Despite the attacks on this God-oriented institution, many people still believe in its place in human history and society. They believe that marriage is a relationship between man and woman. The underlying footstool is based on unconditional love and not infatuation. This belief opposes the opposite virtue of same sex marriage subtly created by Satan to further attack God, his institution and creation. Again most youths desire spouses in their lives. They look forward to dating and marring someone someday, as well as raising a family. Parents are quick to ask when they shall have their grand and great grand children. By getting married and raising a family, we raise children that increase the family and our communities as well as nations.
Many of us get thrilled traveling to Country of origin to get married while some prefer to choose spouse in our communities abroad. The latter should be encouraged because such choices give our children born and raised abroad the rare opportunity to be married to someone from their ancestral town and country. More so those born and raised abroad appear to understand the system better than those imported from home. For those who married at home, some spouses were hand picked by parents or some family relations. A good number of our people living abroad did not have adequate courtship to know or understand who they were marrying. Some married out of infatuation or just to end single lifestyle. As couples come together and experienced the un-envisaged challenges of married life, some pause to wonder if they were to do it all over again, would they choose the same spouse? Some are quick to say yes in their mouths but probably no in their hearts. As a matter of fact those living as co-tenants already regretted ever getting married to one another.
Are you then surprised at the statement, “Single people are sad while married people are mad?” On the contrary, in this abode a great number of singles claim to live happily while married people are mad and sad; quarrelsome and live in conflict. Because of all these problems some singles are scared going into married relationship. Many among them who are survivors of conflict homes where marriage was a disaster carry that fear too far. Others in relationships that were shortened by divorce or separation still wear the pains and that affect their moving on. However they breathed sigh of relief saying, ‘thanks God it’s all over’; we’ve put that behind us and can now move on.
When one reflect deeply on some of the issues confronting married relationship these days, a great deal is depended on choice. This is a serious cause for concern and very frightening too. Are you surprised many singles are consciously asking how do we know and choose the right spouse? It may not be easy to provide all the answers in this discuss, since experiences differ. However there are some crucial factors to consider. I stumbled on Focus on the Family publication of November 2005, Home Reference Guide where an expert, Dr James Dobson answered “what are factors I should consider before saying I do” and shall attempt to incorporate some of his opinions here:
- Choose someone that you cannot live without; one you have great passion for, you can forgive without his/her saying sorry; who you like and love. Don’t choose one you think you can live with; you love but do not like. It should be one you like his/her fancies and frowning and of course always fun to be with. Not someone you barely try or struggle to be with, hoping it will get better. Perhaps you were just crazy about appearance and threw character to the air. You can’t stand his/her utterances, body disposition and negative behavior. You should better be mentally prepared to accept both good and bad, once you say I do.
- Choose someone you can tolerate not someone you plan to change in future. You’ll soon find out that you can’t change anybody. You may end up biting more than you can chew. Human beings are complicated in nature. Do not play silly and get into unending troubles. Choose meticulously and sensibly.
- Some people make impulsive choices; marry as if something was chasing them. They marry with little or no thoughts to what they do. Others choose because their age mates were getting married or just to get over it. An African adage says, the market that hurriedly assemble also disperse in the same manner. As they hurriedly say I do, the same way they say I don’t. Marriage is a critical life determined decision. It calls for careful thoughts and prayers. Before you say I do, seriously and meticulously walk through the early stages of bonding process. Do not allow infatuation to push you to what you don’t need; that may hurt you a lifetime. It is very easy to enter but difficult to quit especially where kids are involved.
- Many youths move in with their prospects before marriage. As simple as that may appear they have complex consequences. You appear to run where you should walk, rush in what you should have for a lifetime. If you get free what you should’ve paid for there’s no hurry to commitment. It’s gotten by compromise; the same manner shall it hold. It’s an immoral behavior and a violation of Gods’ law. The couples are insensitive to God’s instructions. There are some Spiritual repercussions for such actions
- Some people enter into marriage institution ignorantly. They have neither education nor knowledge of what they have entered into. That is also reflected in their behavior and altrances. Some marry too young, thereby floating in instability and immaturity. When the wind blows they are uprooted without resistance. Many spouses lack exposure and have been living individual life. They find it hard to change to the real life of sharing when they get married. They need some coaching before attempting cooperate lifestyle. This situation could breed incompatibility and selfish lifestyle that could break the union.
- Choose someone who shares the same faith with you; not just church goers. If you are a strong Christian don’t choose a moribund or weak person for he/she may help to draw you down. Be prayerful and carefully open your spiritually eyes because some run into the church when they want to marry. That is very good but the bad news is that the moment they get hook up some backslide; they turn against and become worst than unbeliever. The Church used to be and still is a good place to choose from but do not be deceived for not all believers in the Church are true Christians. Some are agents of Satan and soon become internal enemies and accusers of brethren. Don’t marry unbelieving believer whose beliefs are only superficial and nominal.
- Choose a spouse and not a partner who believes in life long relationship. One who shares most values you share: such as mutual respect and submission as well as willingness to honor spouse than oneself. One who will respect God’s provision of authority in marriage. Do not be deceived by physical attraction or character pretense. If you think that you may not get along, it’s dangerous to manage. Some couples are just husband/wives but their relationship never developed into friendship. Others live in competition instead of complementary. These dilemmas help to ruin intimate family life.
Evangelist Ogbonnaya Godswill at: weefreeministires@yahoo.com or Box 720035, Houston, Texas 77272