AFRICAN MARRIAGES AND WESTERN CULTURE [Part 1]
African marriage is a communal event. During the glorious ceremony the community and members from both [bride and groom] sides gather to initiate their young ones into marriage institution. The event also signifies coming of age and recognition to plant a family in a community. As the couple enters into this respected group, they have family members from both sides to help out with kids and household chores. If they have problem, they invite elders of their community to intervene and mediate. The elders entreat the man to treat his wife with passion, love and respect while the woman would be admonished to honor and be submissive to her husband. Their aim is to maintain authority in marriage and keep peace at home; conflicts in homes breed untold consequences. Even though they go to Church, many rarely involve Church leaders in their marriage palaver, for fear of loosing their prestige and respect.
The wife runs the house and sees that the household is well fed, house is clean and children look neat while the man works and provides most of the family financial needs. The man may not be around all the time; the search to keep the family happy could take him far and near. The man is the family head and highly respected. One may grow up and never saw or heard money matters being discussed. The man is the bread winner; it does not matter if the wife earned more than he does, you never find out. Most women work for their convenience while others do home based businesses. Even though some are professionals and business women they still get to know what goes on at home. Should your mom report to your dad your bad behavior you’re in hot soap; your best bet would be to accept her lesser corrective measures before your dad hears it.
In advance countries, these norms have disappeared. Life appears different. One African woman said, “This is the woman’s world, take it or leave it. Here is freedom from men’s dominated lifestyle. Women are independent to pursue their careers without men’s hindrance. Boo, we have the right to do whatever we like.” The laws of the land seem to support them. Over here a great number of women circumstantially contribute significantly to the family upkeep and some bake more bacon than their spouses. They put their mouth where their sweat and money is. In some homes, the women assume leadership and take decisions without consulting their spouses. In others, two captains steer the ship resulting in conflict leadership. The rate of divorce is high and single parent is an acceptable norm. Domestic violence, homicides, broken hearts and broken homes result from abuses. When two elephants fight the grass suffers. Children raised from conflict homes are insecure, lack love and depressed; make poor grades at school and fraternize with wrong peer groups as well as have problems with the law enforcement.
In western cultures, marriage is partnership between two persons. A typical western family is a man, wife and child [children and may be dog or cat]. The household chores are divided between man and partner. There are no house-helps; both couples work and get tired as they return home while some even passed to the third job. There’s no extended family. Even when they are privileged to visit, they have no authority or say in the running of the home. The couples are stressed out running errands – picking the kids to and from school for classes, games and extra curriculum activities; helping them do their home works and picking stuffs from stores. In the process they invariably picked on themselves. In this abode marriage is no big deal. Many people cohabitate, have kids and raise them outside marriage. Some say they are happy single and are in control of their lives.
Femi Awodele says marital conflict is a disease that affects people from every part of the world, whether in Africa, Asia, Europe or America. Whenever two people come together, there is bound to be conflict. It cut across geographical, cultural, economics or Spiritual beliefs. As Africans migrate to Advance world, they face new set of values and conflicts. In European world the roles of men and women differ significantly. Men lead the homes in both cultures but wives in Africa are a bit passive. Western culture recognizes a woman as an equal partner in marriage. Most courts award fifty percent of family value to women in case of divorce, where the women are sit-at-home mums.
Marriage is a union of two individuals with different personalities and family of origin traits; visions as well as expectations. Each person attempts to entrench into the union great values and lifestyles as well as weaknesses imbibed from their origins. Some lifestyles are inculcated from peers, associations and what appears invoke or culture of new abode. These and more constitute the conflicts and perpetual issues that invade the peace of our homes. Conflicts, crises and daily hassles become part of every marriage relationship. Some conflicts are universal to every union: like money, parenting styles, communication, sex, in-laws, stress, anger and host of others. Others new to African culture include: romance, public expression of affection, communications, etc. Judith Wallerstein in the Good marriage: How and Why love last, opined marriage brings changes…..good marriage have common thread of flexibility – adapting to unexpected changes……and anticipating potholes and detours; these make marriage strong and last.
Even though marriage is defined as a union between two persons, African marriage is bigger than just two people: parents, grand-parents, children, in-laws, brothers and sisters, nephews and cousins, friends, acquaintances, communities and Church families, crowd of witnesses etc. Also as we go through conflicts, we should bear in mind that just like temptations are no sins, conflicts are no crises but how we handle them constitute problems or solutions. No matter the changes we face: abode, financial contributions and differences in opinions, equality partnership; these are not sufficient to cost us our marriages. The effects of these nemeses on children are enormous.
Most Africans migrated to western world thinking once they get here, their problems are over. But the truth is that as they arrive here, they meet new set of values with their associated problems and challenges. For example: The American English and jargons differ from the queens’ English, they learnt in Africa: Trousers are called pants, fuel named gas and the word ‘stuff’ could mean anything. Uninterrupted light and telephone means money to meet the bills and services. Of course it’s better than the epileptic or no power for month’s situation in Obodo. You need food, job, a car to move around and gas money. Crucially you need to regularize your immigration papers less you live in fears and could be bundled back. You need to learn the laws and city rules and limits. For example: In Africa your wife may not deny you sex but here she can and any attempt to have your way is considered an abuse. Here you can abuse your spouse sexually, verbally spiritually and even financially. Be therefore careful and learn to apply the limits and boundaries. Here you may not spank your child or your brother’s children or make noise to disturb their peace. They can call Peace officer on you or the near by neighbors could do same on their state. You can abuse someone by calling names or say something bad and by behavior. Try to keep the disagreement between Mom and Dad to the minimum; not to buck your kids or next door neighbors; they could call 911 on you. Buckle your belt and welcome to the land of the freed.
AFRICAN MARRIAGES AND WESTERN WORLD [Part 2]
Marriage relationship in western culture is purely partnership; man and woman are co-pilots. There are two captains in a ship and no gender supremacy. Each partner brings equal stake, strengths and weaknesses to the union. African culture deals with women differently because they regard them as weaker vessels and mothers of children. Cultural values do not regard women equal to men. A male child has a prime place than their female mates. He’s regarded as heir apparent and possesses greater portion of inheritance in the family. Women are raised to be submissive to men. They take care of children and household chores while the men pursue sources of family upkeep. That was then; in today’s age and in western world things have changed. Should we still keep this statuesque? These have attracted stain criticism from African women in western world. Our female folks living abroad have enjoyed freedom from men dominated lifestyle and bought into the European approach, ignoring the consequences.
Surprisingly, most African men abroad have not fully imbibed western approach of co-piloting in marriage. Some still hold tenaciously to the African culture and tradition. Should this be a plus? This issue has been identified as number one remote cause of men insecurity and conflicts in home. Unfortunately in this land of freedom men can not unleash their fury and have lost the support of the community as in Obodo-Africa. Both men and women choose selected scriptures to support their gender prejudices and domineering attitudes. For example: ‘every beast and man was formed from the dust except a woman; God used a man’s rib to make a woman and man named her. God made a man the head and a woman his completion. A woman committed the first sin; after then her desires are subjected to her husband and He rules over her.’ On the other hand, women claim God created man – male and female; man charged to love women unconditionally and both have mutual submission and respect. Man should honor wives as weaker vessels and be courteous to her. These issues appear as bunch of ancient religious stuffs irrelevant to this age and time! Surprisingly we still have these evidences in the bible, being our manufacturer’s manual. African husbands are further accused of sitting on their wives’ progress especially in pursuit of careers; feel threatened by strong and sophisticated women who are determined to make differences in their fields of studies and achieve success, even when the ladders to their achievements were fetched by their husbands. These situations cause crises and conflicts at homes; a commonplace in most African marriages in western world.
We have female chauvinists who adopt ‘down with men’ behavior and attitudes. They crack jokes that put down men, dishonor husband and scorn their needs. They treat husbands like children and attempt to control and feel superior to men. Some are quick to discredit their husband’s decisions, dreams and masculinity; cheapened, ridiculed as well as criticized them openly even in front of their children. In attempt to overcompensate themselves over years of male chauvinism in motherland, most women abroad put on overbearing attitudes that degrades them not only before God’s eyes but the Church. How much do Churches care? This group of women pride in activities while the relationship is lost; sadly live as co-tenants with their men and raise holy flags in worship service. Are these injustices against women? Are women not created by the same God as men? They’re born just like men and many among them are intelligent and even more creative than some men. Yet some men contend that all animals are equal but some are more equal than others. Women are more sensitive and better home builders than men. Many are better managers of resources and show emotionally ruggedness. Tired of men’s’ superiority stuff and chauvinism, women dread and call it slavery to submit to any man, abuse to cook for so-called husband, a molestation to yield to men’s sexual advances especially when they feel indifferent. Having children is doing men unmerited favor, dis-service to women as well as indignity. Apart from the agony and pains of pregnancy and child birth, it interferes with women’s pursuit of careers and wearing their best slim outfits.
On the other hand some men have conflict between African traditions and western cultures. Surprisingly, equality issues do not surface during courtship or while in Africa but in foreign land. Men usually take their place as head and pull out their superiority strings after marriage. Debra Smith writing on ‘Romancing your husband’ opined that some women see their men as helpless and perform mother-wife roles in their husband. They do everything alone grumbling and complaining. Some even find it difficult to train their children to help them on domestic duties because they feel insatiable with helpers. They should learn to respect their husbands on their character not on their domestic abilities or shortcomings. Some women nag and criticize their husbands in every thing they do when they attempt to help. The food may not be as tasteful as if she made it, but appreciate that he did something to ensure there was meal on the table. Again as willingly and often as he does it, he gets better. A great number of African men know how to cook and help in other household chores. You may have to stop nagging him and demeaning him just because we’re in ‘Oyibo’ land; it usually backfires and the consequences is unbearable.
Before we throw away our rich African culture in preference to white men’s culture, we should reexamine what we have at hand, the challenges and the consequences of other choices. I read with great admiration a well tailored commentary titled: Equality in African Relationships: the problem with some men, some women and our society, authored by Folasoyo Dele-Ogunrinde, published sometime at Nigerian world. Com. It’s thought provoking and sensitive to the affairs of women. Most of these women bake more bacon and return home to attend to men’s needs as well as that of the children. Folasoyo raised the issue of insecurity among men whose wives love and pursue their careers. She applauded strong, persuasive and assertive women, who compete with men folks to leave a landmark on the sand of progress. But let’s ask: should pursuance of careers and riches be at the expense of the family; raising secured and loving children? Little wonder some people are successful at work but failures at home. A society that neglects the family is extinct.
Due to other pursuits we are already raising a generation that feeds on junk food and pizza ordered on cell phones. Many among our young people don’t eat healthy home-made meals. Cooking for the family is considered time consuming and en-slavery. Funny enough those who claim to admire western cultures fickle out and troubled when their children marry or get married to them. Unfortunately, even the Westerners have problems in the system some Africans admire. They have set up study groups, some headed by African organizations [NGOs] to find ways of solving these problems. It’s an on going exercise. Dinner time used to be family time; we interact with kids, listen to their needs and problems as well as watch children’s table manners. These had died a natural death. Sadly enough, our marriages are in shambles and the consequences are: living lonely together, separation or divorce. Most divorce couples regret their action and suffer the consequences of their strong won’t. The psychological effects on children include: poor grades at school, depressions, mingle with bad peer groups and indiscipline in society.
Brethren, no matter what our goals are in the society we live in, we should remember “we live life once and if we plan it well once is enough.” We have a responsibility to live rightly and hand over the batons to future generations. We can not afford to neglect this high calling in preference to chasing wealth and worldliness. If we succeed in chasing wealth and fail in raising a secured family, we have failed. Whatever we give our children and household, they receive and live by it; it affects their being and the world around them. Dan Millman, in The life we were born to live said, “People from all walks of life share an innate drive for meaning, direction and purpose. This drive to understand our life purpose seems as important to our psychological growth as eating is to our biological survival.” We cannot change our world if we can’t change ourselves. The world is not to be put in order; the world is order, incarnate. It’s for us to harmonize with this order [Henry Miller]. He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe [Marcus Aurelius]. When righteous people live in integrity; their children are blessed after them [Proverbs 20:7]. If we have built castles in the air, brood no longer because our work is not yet lost; now let us put foundations under it. – Osa Johnson.
Again since men and women believe that God created everything and is perfect in all his ways we should have no problem adhering to the authority He placed in His institution of marriage. Even though men and women have equal standing in Christ and equal spiritual privileges, our roles are quite different. There are physical and functional differences between man and woman for God to fulfill His purpose. God had assigned spiritual headship to the husband, not the wife. Men should not abdicate that role and responsibility. Again the responsibility of spiritual oversight over the home and Church are given to men not women [1 Timothy 2:12]. The husband not the wife is to be the head of the family. The scripture unambiguously assigns that duty to men, not women. The men are the heads while women are the necks without which the heads cannot turn. They are to share life as a unit and a couple. However, when there is mutual respect for each other, love flows and takes away insecurities, uncertainties, equality stuff; who makes what and self pride as well as conflict in headship. It all bothers on choices the couples make. Welcome to the free world.